- Wake up. Wake up.
- Wake up. Wake up.
- Wake up. MICHELLE: You guys.
Give me a break. Why can't
you wake up Stephanie today?
Stephie wakes up grumpy.
Ah, so that's the trick.
You guys stay right here.
Steph, Steph.
You gotta teach me
how to wake up grumpy.
Back off or you're toast.
Thanks for the lesson.
Hey, Steph. What
are you working on?
My geography project:
"America the Beautiful."
You know, Steph, I'm from right
here, which would be Nebraska.
It's never been known
as "the Mountain State."
No problem.
Okay. Nebraska: the
Giant-Handprint State.
- Hey.
- How are you doing?
- Hey, Dad.
- Pretty good.
Can you believe an
autumn day hit 90 degrees?
Doesn't bother me any.
I'm calm, cool and collected.
Actually, I'm a lot better off than those
sweltering construction workers outside.
They're all hot and
sweaty, their shirts off.
Looks like an episode
of Baywatch out there.
- Poor guys.
- We should really keep an eye on them.
Boy, is it hot today.
Nothing's gonna taste
better than a nice pitcher of...
Lettuce.
Where the lemonade used to be.
Hey.
I've gotta make more lemonade.
Those construction
workers are good customers.
Not bad bods either.
- Michelle.
- That's what Aunt Becky said.
She didn't say anything
about their hair, did she?
They were all wearing helmets.
Thank God.
Michelle, when I was your age, I
had my own little sidewalk stand.
I sold Wet-Naps outside
of Ribs, Ribs, Ribs.
[LAUGHS]
I did. Took all the
money I made...
and I opened up my own
little shaver savings account.
- Haven't touched it since.
- Yeah, I figured you'd squirrel it away.
When I was a kid, I made
10 bucks fixing a bike.
Went out and bought an Elvis lunchbox.
Even had a blue suede Thermos.
That's the difference
between you and me.
You went out and bought yourself
a cheap little souvenir, right?
I, on the other hand,
quadrupled my money.
I am now up to $76.14.
Well, little shaver, according
to the latest collector's catalog...
my lunchbox is worth
about... What did it say?
Oh, yeah, 2 grand.
Is that more than $76.14?
Yeah, about 2 grand more.
Yeah, but did I mention that they
gave me a free retractable ballpoint pen?
Really? Why are
you still working?
Come up with anything?
Jess, I got a great idea
for our new radio giveaway.
Oh, you're not gonna do "Try to
Guess What Pastry I'm Eating" again.
No, no. This is a hundred
times better. And less fattening.
TV theme songs.
Some lucky listener
could be a winner if you
know the words to,
say, "Three's Company."
Come on, that's easy.
Everybody knows the words.
- People heard it a million times.
- Okay, give it a try, big sh*t.
- Fine.
- Okay.
[SINGING]
[GIGGLING]
[SINGING] There's the
thing and a deal and a thing
And the guy falls off the bike
[SINGING]
- Well, you nailed that.
- Piece of cake.
All right, "Charles
in Charge". Go for it.
No. Sing "Three's Company."
I don't wanna sing
"Three's Company" again.
We like that song.
But don't you know if you hear
something too much, it becomes annoying?
- Please, please, please.
- Please, please, please.
Yeah, like that. That's
what I'm talking about.
Okay, one more time. You
guys gotta sing it with me, okay?
[SINGING]
[SINGING] With the thing
And the thing and the thing
Hey, Steph, you have my blouse.
I need it for my picture tomorrow.
Deej, I would never take
anything without asking.
What's this?
Uh, can I borrow
your white blouse?
Boy, you've really
screwed up this map.
Look, you got Florida way down
south, sticking out in the ocean.
Why do I get the feeling there's a
nametag and a paper hat in your future?
Man, I'm b*at.
So how did your
lemonade business go?
Not bad. I made $221.
Two hundred and twenty-one
dollars? That's unbelievable.
Give your favorite sister a hug.
Give your favorite
neighbor a hundred.
I didn't get rich
by being stupid.
Michelle, how did you
make that much money?
Hot men, cold
lemonade, no change.
I got another one for the radio
contest, but I can't remember the words.
- Hmm?
- How does the theme for Batman go?
You mean, Batman,
duh, duh, duh, Batman?
Yeah, that's it.
So which words
couldn't you remember?
"Batman" or "duh."
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'll get it.
I got it.
I got a delivery for
a Danny Tanner.
Oh, cool. I'm Danny Tanner
and I'm expecting a delivery.
Funny how things work out.
Oh, here you go. Thanks.
Guys, you are gonna love this. This
is a piece of history, real Americana.
I was going through some
old family photos, right?
And I found the picture of
my great-great-grandfather...
General Cornwall Tanner, okay?
I had it blown up and
completely restored.
Look at this.
You should have
just had it blown up.
BOTH [MOUTHING]: Blown up.
Just so happens he was
a great Civil w*r hero...
and this should be
in a place of honor.
How about under the mantle?
The fireplace is
under the mantle.
- I'll get the matches.
- Get the matches. He'll get the matches.
Can somebody take me to the candy
store? I wanna spend my lemonade money.
Not now, Michelle,
we're working.
Sweetheart, maybe later. I
gotta find a place to hang this.
Whoa, who's the geek in the hat?
Sweetheart, this
gentleman happens to be...
your
great-great-great-grandfather.
Great.
So who wants to
go on a candy run?
Sweetheart, you worked
hard for that money.
You sure you wanna just waste it on
sugar-coated, teeth-rotting empty calories?
Totally.
I strongly suggest
that you save it.
Come on, Danny. The kid
earned it. Let her go have some fun.
Michelle, I have a third
suggestion. Invest it. Buy some art.
And stick it in that frame.
[LAUGHS]
I happen to think he's handsome.
- Hey, Mr. T.
- Hey.
Did you get a picture of the
front end of the horse too?
This happens to be
one of my relatives.
If you'd like to see
one of your relatives,
why don't you go rent
Gorillas in the Mist?
Kimmy, can you take
me to the candy store?
Sure, squirt. I'm
going there anyways.
My mom's making her
famous Milk Dud cacciatore.
Dad, can Kimmy take
me to the candy store?
Yeah, I suppose so.
Way to go,
munchkin. Live a little.
I'm gonna live a lot.
JESSE: All right.
Listen, Beck, I want the
boys to be happy too...
but I think too much of a
good thing could be unhealthy.
Not enough of a good thing...
could leave them with a lifetime
sense of deprivation and loss.
Well, if it's gonna
scar them for life.
[SINGING "THREE'S
COMPANY" THEME SONG]
Hey, Jess, is Michelle back
from the candy store yet?
- No, I haven't seen her.
- She went to the candy store?
She didn't have a
shoebox with her, did she?
Yeah. I told her to take her
lemonade money and live a little.
She must be living large.
She made over $200.
Selling lemonade? And
she took it all with her?
Danny, come on, relax. How
much candy could she possibly buy?
The most money I ever spent
at a candy store was, like, 185.
Hey, everybody. You'll
never guess what I bought.
[DONKEY BRAYING]
So, what do you think?
Please tell me that's a piñata.
Michelle, you bought a donkey?
He's cute. He's got big
hairy ears, just like Uncle Gus.
Nicky, look. Look
at his pretty eyes.
Yeah. Yeah, and his four
legs and his 300-pound body.
I want him out of my kitchen.
My floor is not donkey-guarded.
Can the donkey
sleep in our room?
Nicky, his name is Shorty.
That's short for Shorty.
And he's sleeping in my room.
He is not sleeping
in anybody's room.
This house is not
zoned for livestock.
Jess, this is all your fault.
[IMITATES JESSE] "Hey,
you gotta go out and live a little."
A, I don't talk like that. Two, I thought
she was going to the candy store.
Now, unless that donkey has
a creamy chocolate center...
you can't blame me for this.
Well, we were on our
way to the candy store...
when we passed this petting zoo.
Well, apparently you
didn't pass it completely.
Kimmy, how could
you let this happen?
Hey, I told her to go
for the two ostriches.
Well, I liked Shorty. And the man
asked me how much money I had.
I told him I had $221. And
guess how much he cost?
Let me give him the benefit of
the doubt. Two hundred and twenty?
Nope, 221.
Michelle, look, I'm sorry you got ripped
off, but he cannot stay here in this house.
He sheds, he stinks, he's dirty.
You let Kimmy in here.
I don't shed.
I'm not arguing about this. He's
gotta go back to the petting zoo.
Mr. T, you might
have a problem there.
You see, it was kind of
a traveling petting zoo.
They were packing
up to go to Seattle.
Yeah, and the man said,
"You pet it, you bought it."
Oh, this is great. All right. I
guess he has to stay here the night.
Michelle, put him in
the backyard, okay?
We'll figure out what
to do in the morning.
Shorty, be on your best behavior tonight,
and maybe Dad will let us keep you.
You're gonna have
to clean up after him.
No problem. I clean
up after my hamster.
I think Shorty's gonna
be a bigger responsibility.
[DONKEY BRAYING]
Wake up, Stephanie.
You're snoring.
It's not me. I thought
it was your stomach.
[DONKEY BRAYING]
Uh-oh. It's Shorty.
Do you think the
neighbors can hear him?
WOMAN: Whatever
that is, I'm gonna sh**t it.
I'm guessing they can.
DANNY: I'm sorry, okay? I'm
bringing him in. Go back to bed.
Put your g*ns on safety.
[BRAYING]
Yeah, wonderful. Just wipe your
hooves on the way in, will you?
Maybe tomorrow I'll take
you prospecting for gold.
- What's wrong with him?
- You think he's sick?
Well, I'm not taking
his temperature.
If that donkey
doesn't let me sleep...
I'm gonna look like a wreck
for my picture tomorrow.
That goes in my yearbook,
my graduation announcements...
my college applications.
It's also the one they use if
you wind up on Hard Copy.
[BRAYING]
Shorty, you're not making
a very good first impression.
See? I told you it wasn't Joey.
It's all right, I
was already up.
Thanks to some
annoying hair rollers.
Honey, if they bother you
that much, don't sleep in them.
How's anybody gonna sleep
with this thing in the house?
I'd take him back outside, but
apparently it's donkey season.
Dad, be nice to Shorty. It's
his first night. He's scared.
Remember Comet's first night?
He slept with a hot-water
bottle and an alarm clock.
Actually, that
was my first night.
[BRAYING]
Donkey ride.
Me first.
No, guys, the ride is
closed. Come on back to bed.
Sing "Three's Company," Daddy.
It's almost midnight. I don't
wanna sing "Three's Company."
I'll sing it tomorrow for you.
Oh, come on, sing it, Jess.
Maybe it'll drown out Engelbert
"Donkey-dink" over here.
All right, fine, I'll sing it. But after
that, we're all going to bed, all right?
[SINGING]
[SINGING] They got the
thing And the stuff and the thing
[SINGING]
Very good. Nice ending, boys.
Let's say good night. Good night.
- Say good night.
JOEY: Good night.
[BRAYING]
Uncle Jesse, wait.
When you sang, Shorty got real
quiet with this dreamy look on his face.
Maybe it's gas.
Oh, come on. I have
to get some sleep.
Won't you just try to
sing to him, please?
You guys, you're crazy.
I think you guys all have been
inhaling a little close to the donkey.
All right? There's no way that my
singing has anything to do with him not...
[BRAYING]
STEPH: Come on, please
sing. D.J.: Come on, Uncle Jesse.
DANNY: Just do it, Jess.
Okay, fine, fine.
I'm gonna do it.
Mainly because I
like the song so much.
[SINGING]
[DONKEY SIGHING]
[SINGING] You got the thing
And the stuff and the thing
[BRAYING]
Well, you heard it, Jess.
- He's only quiet when you sing.
- Oh!
Jess, it's true. You're our only
hope for getting through the night.
[BRAYING]
Please keep
singing, Uncle Jesse.
If Shorty stays quiet,
everyone won't be mad at us.
"Us"?
Well, you're the one who
said, "Go out and live a little."
I thought you were gonna
splurge on sourballs...
not a four-legged fleabag.
[WHIMPERS]
I hope you're happy.
You just hurt his feelings.
What am I supposed to
do, serenade him all night?
[SINGING "THREE'S
COMPANY" THEME SONG]
[SINGING] You got a thing
And some things and some things
And you need Some
donkey mouthwash too
Shorty, are you sleepy yet?
[BRAYING]
One more time.
[SINGING]
We got a thing and some things
And some words that I still don't know
[GROANS]
Beck.
You need a shave.
And a mint.
Michelle, wake up, it's morning.
You did it. You got Shorty
through his first night.
Thanks, Uncle Jesse.
No problem, hon. Give me a hug.
Although I probably smell like a barnyard.
- No, no. Not at all.
- Uh-huh.
[STEPH SCREAMS]
STEPH: I can't believe it,
it's ruined. JESSE: What?
- What's happening?
- Uncle Jesse, look at my map.
I'm sorry, Steph, I fell asleep.
Shorty must have gotten
up for a midnight snack.
He ate the entire Farm Belt.
Dad, would you look at
this? Shorty ruined my map.
I'm gonna fail geography.
Take it easy. I'll write a note.
What are you gonna say?
The donkey ate my homework?
I used that one last week.
Shorty didn't mean to wreck
your map. He just loves America.
[SNEEZES]
What am I gonna do?
I'm all sniffly, my
eyes are all puffy.
I can't take my senior picture
looking like a blotchy blowfish.
- Maybe it's an allergic reaction.
- To what?
[DONKEY BRAYING]
I'll give you one guess.
ALL: Shorty.
- He's in the living room?
Get him out, get him out,
I'm breathing donkey dander.
We gotta get that mule
out of the house now.
Okay, fine. Just don't
anybody panic, you know?
We don't wanna
overreact and scare him.
[DANNY SCREAMING]
DANNY:
Great-granddaddy Cornwall.
You know, I'm finally starting
to see the family resemblance.
MICHELLE: Shorty, how could you?
That's it, he's out of here.
Danny, where are you going?
Anybody wanna buy a donkey?
Danny, nobody
wants to buy a donkey.
I did.
All right, anybody
want a free donkey?
WOMAN: Shut up, Tanner,
I'd rather hear the donkey.
Danny, come in here.
The neighbors are
armed and cranky.
Now, I have an idea. Why don't
you take Shorty to the children's zoo?
Yeah, and after
that, maybe a movie.
Michelle, I'm sure you
agree with everybody.
This Shorty thing, it's
just not working out.
Yeah. You're right.
Shorty, you'll like the zoo.
You can eat all day and
bray all night. You'll fit right in.
Michelle, I think it's time
to say goodbye to Shorty.
Only question is,
who's car are we taking?
You know, with a shave and a
hat, we could get him on the bus.
I was thinking. After we
sell Shorty to the zoo...
I'm gonna buy
candy for everyone...
and put the rest of
the money in the bank.
Shorty.
[DONKEY BRAYS]
Not you, her.
Listen, we're not gonna
get any money for Shorty.
We're gonna donate
him to the zoo.
So that's it? I'm broke?
I'm afraid so, pal.
That's okay. At least
one good thing happened.
We all got to meet
Shorty. Right, everyone?
So when's that show opening?
Who cares? We'll
wait by the gate.
You know what I think he'd really
like before he goes, Uncle Jesse?
I'm not kissing him goodbye.
You know.
All right, but you
guys gotta help me out.
[SINGING "THREE'S
COMPANY" THEME SONG]
That's it.
Those are the words, I
had... I kind of knew them.