Okay, boys. Now, tonight, Mr. Woodchuck's
gonna help me tell you a story.
Is it about wood?
No, it's called "The
Three Billy Goats Gruff."
That's our favorite story.
Now, once upon a
time, there were three...
Woodchucks.
No, billy goats.
That's right, three billy goats.
Now, I know you love
anything with wood in it...
but, please, let's
just stick to the story.
That's "pine" with me.
- Now, the three billy goats lived in a...
- Lumber yard.
No, a valley.
Don't you know this story?
No. "Wood" you tell it to me?
- We would.
- Well, if you would stop talking.
Hey, now you boys are
starting to speak my language.
Oh, that's a big hug.
[BEEPING ON TV]
Can we play?
Guys, "Montesano's Quest"
is a very complicated game.
It takes timing, skill
and plenty of brainpower.
VOICE [ON TV]: You have failed.
[VOICE LAUGHS]
- You have failed.
- You have failed.
[BOTH LAUGH]
At least I could
tie my own shoe.
So what?
We have Velcro.
Hey, shortcake.
Uncle Jesse, can you help
me with this video game?
Michelle, I'm sorry. Video
games never been my thing.
Now, pinball. There's a game.
What's pinball?
What's pinball? You
don't know what pinball is?
- Haven't you ever heard of Tommy?
- Who?
Right.
- Who's right?
- No, Who's on first.
Let me guess. Tommy?
No, I'm just kidding you. It's
an old Abbott & Costello routine.
- Who?
- Don't start with me with who again.
- Just show me the game.
- Okay.
The object of the game is you
have to find the three magic keys.
Three magical keys. Well,
that doesn't seem so hard.
Right. But so far, I
haven't found anything.
Heck, I can't even open the
door to the Magic Universe.
I knocked, I ringed the bell...
Well, You're too polite.
You gotta ram the sucker.
[BANG ON TV]
VOICE [ON TV]: Ow.
- Uncle Jesse, you dented his head.
- Yeah. Well, look at this.
Have you checked
under the welcome mat?
That's where they
hide keys. Let's try that.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
We found the first key.
- Okay, Uncle Jesse. I can take it...
- Well, let me just open the door.
Let me just try that.
[DOOR SQUEAKS OPEN ON TV]
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Frightening music. Should
we take the stairs or the hall?
VOICE: Beware the hall.
We'll take the stairs.
Check out those guys.
STEPH: Those guys?
They're in high school.
They'd never look at us.
Steph, they're men. We're
women. Let's just turn on the charm.
Okay, Plan B.
[WHISTLES]
Hey, you. Haul it over.
Hello, gentlemen.
Uh, do we know you?
Weren't you the girls who jumped
on-stage at that Nine Inch Nails concert?
- Yeah.
- No.
But we just got kicked out
of the piano-and-organ store.
Cool.
This is Steph and I'm
Gia. You guys got names?
I'm Jason. He's Barry.
You know, we've never
seen you at Bayview.
Oh, that's because
we're not in high school.
She means we're
not in that high school.
We go to a private school.
Oh, which one?
Uh, can't tell
you. It's private.
So, what grade are you in?
What grade are you?
- We're sophomores.
- What a small world. So are we.
Really? You don't look 16.
That's because I
take care of myself.
- Hey, sis.
- Hi, Deej.
That's your sister? You're a
senior at Bayview, aren't you?
Hey, you're the losers who drilled
a peephole in the girls' locker room.
You're the reason
we plugged it up.
Hey, that hole works
both ways, zit-butt.
So, Steph, if D.J.
goes to Bayview...
how come you go to
that private high school?
Yeah, Steph. How come?
Deej, don't you remember?
Dad, um, had a coupon.
Well, it's finally
happened. Blondie's lost it.
- Security.
- Kimmy... Deej, come here.
We told these guys that
we're 16 and they believed us.
Don't blow it. Please?
- Go ahead, have fun.
- Well, wait a minute.
Why should we help you lie?
Okay. I promise, no
cracks about you for a week.
And by the way, Big Bird called.
- He wants his legs back.
- Hey.
Sorry, just getting one
last one out of my system.
- See you guys later.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Hey, where did Jason and Barry go?
- They went to get their car.
- They have a car?
- Yeah. Isn't it cool?
They're giving us a lift home.
Gia, I don't think I'm supposed to
get in a car with people I don't know.
Steph, we know their
names, their school.
We're been talking to them
for at least three minutes.
What more do you need to know?
Two doors or four?
Okay, Uncle Jesse. I think
I can get us out of the cave.
What kind of uncle
would I be if I left you
in a cave full of
intergalactic wombats? Sit.
Zomp the wombat, Daddy.
All right, son. One
zomped wombat coming up.
Bye-bye, wombat.
[GROANING ON TV]
Oh, I knew I heard a
dying wombat in here.
Oh, Jess, don't go that
way. They're gonna get you.
Jess, floor it.
When I want your
advice, I'll b*at it out.
VOICE: Danger, danger.
Advice, advice.
- Eat the power biscuit.
- All right.
[CHOMPING AND BURPING ON TV]
That was tasty.
Okay, boys. Time to wash
your little hands for dinner.
- We're still playing.
- Yeah. Five minutes, please?
Not you. Nicky and
Alex. Come on, guys.
Let's go. Hurry up.
Boys, boys, boys.
Michelle, you've been playing
this game for hours, honey.
I'm not exactly
doing much playing.
- What's that? What is that?
- Mayday, mayday. Losing power.
Joey, give me
power. I need power.
Give me power.
All right, captain,
I'm giving her all I got.
She can't take much more.
We've got to find that second key.
Why don't you empty that
nuclear-waste can? It's starting to bubble.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Wow, Danny, that's it.
We got the second key.
- Key 2.
- Yes.
Shows what a little
cleaning can do.
- You know what? Let me try.
- Okay.
[MOOING ON TV]
- Where are we now?
- Oh, no. The Pasture of Lost Hope.
JESSE: Yeah.
Eat that power
biscuit behind the cow.
- Yeah.
- Wait, don't eat it, don't step in it.
It's not a power biscuit.
Oh, you city boys don't
know much about cows.
- This is so cool.
- Yeah, it's great...
but you don't go through
the park to get to my house.
Don't worry. It's a shortcut.
- Know what would make it even shorter?
- If we went faster?
- Faster?
- Yes.
[CAR HORN HONKING]
Okay, okay. The gas pedal
works fine. Now let's try the brakes.
You do have brakes?
I don't know. I've
never used them.
Jason, slow down.
How come everybody always
drives on the right side of the road?
- Yeah.
- Let's give the left a sh*t.
Yeah.
[SCREAMING]
STEPH: Oh, my God.
- Jason, there's a truck coming.
JASON: All right, no problem.
Oh, my God. The wheel's locked!
[STEPH AND GIA SCREAMING]
[TRUCK HORN HONKING]
- Yes.
- Awesome.
- This is crazy.
- Come on, Steph.
When's the last time
you did anything this cool?
Never.
Whoo-hoo! Tunnel.
All right.
[HORN HONKING]
All right.
- What are we stopping for? Burn rubber.
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- All right.
[HORN HONKING]
Deej, I just had the
greatest time of my whole life.
Hey, it's Sweet 16.
You kids grow up so fast.
For your information, those guys
gave us a ride home in the coolest car.
You got in a car with
Beavis and Butt-Head?
They happen to be great
guys. And they are so funny.
First, Jason drove on
the wrong side of the road.
He pretended like the
steering wheel was locked.
We came this close to a truck.
Wow, does he have a brother?
Maybe we could double date...
and drive off a cliff together.
Jason's a very good driver.
He's had his license
for almost three months.
And it never dawned on
you that you could get hurt?
What's with you?
Haven't you even been 16?
- I have. You haven't, remember?
- It's no big deal.
I went out and had some fun.
- Fine. You're home. Let's just drop it.
- Fine.
- Did anyone notice I'm late?
- See for yourself.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Guess not.
Good.
- Is it my turn yet?
- You're next, sweetheart.
Just as soon as we get the
enchanted kayak through the rapids.
- Watch out for those rocks.
- Go right.
- Right, right.
- Whoa.
Now go left. Go left.
- Waterfall.
- Go up. Go up.
- It's a kayak. It doesn't go up.
- It's enchanted, for crying out loud.
[MUSIC PLAYS ON TV]
Whoa!
[SPLASHING ON TV]
We're okay.
We landed on the Pond of Peace.
I hate to interrupt this
moment of tranquillity...
but I really don't feel like eating
alone at a table set for nine.
Yeah, D.J.'s right.
Might be a good time to
take a break from our quest...
- noble as it is. JESSE: Yeah.
Let's just put the game on pause and we
can... Honey, let... Put the game on pause.
Come back after we have
a nice, leisurely dinner.
- Done?
- Game time.
I'll do the dishes. Don't
worry about a thing.
Bye-bye. Bye-bye now.
Steph, get your coat.
Jason's outside with his car.
Cool. I got a need for speed. Just
let me tell my dad I'm going out.
Hey, Dad, can I go out with Gia?
- Did you do your homework?
- It's Saturday.
Oh, well, good. Just be
home by... Trolls at 12 o'clock.
Cool. Curfew's at 12?
No, no, no, trolls at
12. You'll be home by 9.
- Okay. See you,
Dad. DANNY: Bye.
Come on, come on.
That was almost too easy.
Steph, are you sure
you wanna do this?
Let me think about it.
Thinking. Thinking.
I'm out of here.
Steph, you're not going.
What are you talking about?
I'm sorry. I can't let you go.
[HORN HONKING]
Gia, tell the guys to
hang. I'll be right out.
- I thought you said your sister was cool.
- She used to be.
Deej, forget it. There's no
way you can make me stay.
- I'll tell Dad.
- Okay, there's one way.
I can't believe
you'd squeal on me.
I can't believe you'd
put me in this position.
What about all those times you
snuck in and I never said a word?
That's different.
This is dangerous.
Steph, are you coming or what?
Yeah, I'm coming.
No, you're not.
You're bluffing.
- I'm telling.
- I'm going.
Steph, I'm serious.
- Dad?
- Yeah, Deej?
- Gia, better go without me.
- Never mind.
Sorry, Steph.
I hope you're happy. From
now on, just stay out of my life.
Come on, Joey.
- There's the castle.
- We gotta get over that little bridge.
- Guarded by the giant troll there.
- Where is he?
In the troll booth.
- All right. He's coming right
at us. BECKY: Hurry, hurry.
Hit Hyper-Punch.
- Stick, jab. Stick, jab. Stick, jab.
- He's down.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- Yes.
- Whoop-de-doo.
This is fun. How often do you
get to spend a pleasant evening...
surrounded by the
people that you love?
You idiot! He's not dead, he's
stunned. Give me that thing.
- You don't know what you're doing.
- I do.
You both don't know what you're
doing. It's time for someone else: me.
- You really don't know what you're doing.
- Guys, this is no way for men to behave.
It's good I'm a grown
woman. Give me.
- No, no.
- I know what to do.
- He's biting my arm.
- Guys.
BECKY: No, Jess, no.
- You're biting my arm.
Hey.
Game over.
- Michelle, why did you do that?
- I had to stop the madness. Look at you.
You were fighting over a silly
game. You ought to be ashamed.
Shame on you.
Double shame.
The boys are right. We were
completely obsessed over this thing.
Yeah, Michelle. Thank
you for snapping us out of it.
I don't know. I just
got in and I zoned out...
and I didn't know what was happening.
It's like when I empty Joey's hamper.
You know what? I think we just
need to get back to our normal lives.
I'm gonna go play
with Mr. Woodchuck.
- Tell him I said
hi. JOEY: Okay.
- Thanks, Michelle.
- Yeah, thanks, sweetie.
JESSE: Come on, boys.
BECKY: Come on, guys.
What are you doing over
there? Did you bring your book?
It's about time.
Okay, you wombats.
It's gonna be a long night.
Don't even think about it.
- Steph, we need to talk about this.
- There's nothing to talk about.
You just hate to
see me have fun.
Oh, yeah, Steph. That's real bright.
Yeah, the first thing on my mind is:
"How can I make
Steph miserable today?"
So you admit it.
Oh, you're losing it.
- No, Deej, you're just selfish...
- You don't understand...
Guys, guys, guys. Take it easy.
Whatever this is
about, it can wait. Okay?
Um...
Steph, I just got off the
phone with Gia's mom.
Gia was in a car
accident tonight.
- No.
- Yeah.
She okay?
She got some bumps and some bruises.
She's gonna be in the hospital overnight.
- Oh, my God.
- She was with two other guys...
and one of them broke his
leg and got cut up pretty badly.
They were really lucky they were
wearing their seatbelts. Car was totaled.
I can't believe it.
Didn't you say something
about going out with Gia?
Well, yeah, but...
But when Gia showed up with
those guys, Steph decided not to go.
Really?
Steph, that showed
incredibly good judgment.
You have any idea how
proud of you I am right now?
- Probably too proud.
DANNY: Oh, never.
Yeah, Gia's mom said she
wanted her to take it easy.
You can call her tomorrow, okay?
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Good night.
- Night, Daddy.
Good night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- I could have been in that car.
- Yeah, but you weren't.
Because of you.
I mean, I knew it was dangerous,
but I wanted to go anyway.
I am so stupid.
No. You just think that nothing
bad could ever happen to you.
Did you ever think like that?
Nobody knows this...
but one Halloween, when I was 13, I
told Dad I was sleeping at Kimmy's...
and she told her mom
that she was sleeping here.
We thought it would be
great to stay out all night.
- Was it?
- Well, I thought so at the time.
I mean, we were all over the city.
We even hitchhiked up to Berkeley.
You hitchhiked? What are
you, nuts? That's so dangerous.
Well, I know that now.
But back then I was
young and stupid like you.
So how do you get
to be old and smart?
Well, after a while you just
get this little voice inside...
that tells you when
something's dangerous.
And if you're lucky,
you learn to listen to it.
Think I heard that voice before
I got in the car with those guys.
- Sounded a lot like Dad.
- Yeah. Well...
as you get older, it starts
to sound a lot more like you.
Glad you were there
for me tonight, Deej.
And, listen, I'm sorry about
what I said. You're still pretty cool.
I felt so bad when Dad
said he was proud of me.
- I mean, maybe I should just tell him.
- He's gonna be pretty mad.
I know.
That's why I'll soften him
up with your hitchhiking story.
No, Steph. Steph, I...
Stephanie, I don't think so. Hey!
Wait a minute, Stephanie.