08x10 - Under the Influence

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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08x10 - Under the Influence

Post by bunniefuu »

JESSE: Hey, g*ng. DANNY: Hey.

Oh, Joey's cooking.

Let me take a
million to one sh*t.

I don't know, just off the
top of my head. Meatloaf?

No. For a little change of pace I thought
I'd come up with something different.

So for your dining enjoyment...

I give you meat muffins.

And I give you the menu to
Wing Ho's. Let's call them now.

I'm starved. What's for dinner?

Guys, you've been
following me all day.

That's because we like you.





I like you too...

but why don't we take a
little break from all this liking...

and eat dinner?

Well, actually, dinner's gonna be
late thanks to the Pillsbury Meatboy.

Let's play more, Michelle.

Okay, how about hide-and-seek?

You guys hide and I'll count.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

To a million.

Little cranky there, sis.

Do you know what it's like having
little kids bugging you all day long?

I guess you don't remember where
you got that count-to-a-million trick.

Hey, it's the Saturday-night-
with-nothing-to-do g*ng.

- So where's D.J.?
- She's upstairs getting dressed.





She's not ready yet?

It's our first frat party
with college guys.

I've looked like
this since noon.

Well, it's nighttime now.
The darkness can only help.

Boy, Danny, in college
our frat parties were a blast.

Especially when all those high
school girls used to show up.

They believed
everything we said.

Yeah, we had some good times,
Mr. Fourth-Man-on-the-Moon.

You did pretty well yourself,
Mr. I-Created-Love-Boat-Girls.

You guys lied to those girls?

Well, yeah.

It's not something we're proud
of, but when a kid is young...

and he wants to impress a girl,
he'll say just about anything to...

I'd better go talk
to D.J. Excuse me.

Deej, I am so nervous
about this party.

Pit check. One, two.

- Dry as a bone.
- I better be.

That's the name of my deodorant.

Kimmy, let's just try and relax
and have fun tonight, okay?

So what if they're in college
and we're in high school?

I mean, there's no difference
between you and those guys.

Except about 600
points on your SATs.

Deej, honey. About that frat party
tonight, I want you to know that I think...

you're a totally responsible, intelligent
young woman, and I trust you completely.

So, please, just accept
this fatherly advice...

in the spirit in which
I'm giving it, okay?

No matter what anybody
may tell you tonight...

the guy who created
Love Boat will not be there.

I win again.

So you got lucky.

Even Comet b*at you.

Well, Comet's a
big hairy cheater.

[BARKS]

[GROWLS THEN BARKS]

Okay, there she is.
There's your favorite cousin.

Oh, no, I've been
playing with them all day.

JESSE: Here you
go. Go play. Go play.

You wrecked it.

You guys are driving me crazy.

Just leave me alone.

Michelle's mean.

I am not mean. You've
just been bugging me.

We don't like you anymore.

JESSE: Boys, boys,
you don't mean that.

Oh, great, now they hate me.

Oh, they don't
hate you, Michelle.

Michelle, don't worry. I
mean, they're just kids.

They say something and they
forget about it a minute later.

- We hate Michelle. We hate Michelle.
- We hate Michelle. We hate Michelle.

- We hate Michelle. We hate Michelle.
- We hate Michelle. We hate Michelle.

- We hate Michelle.
- We hate Michelle.

KIMMY: Woo-hoo!
- Shh! Shh!

KIMMY: I can fly.

- I can fly.
- Shh.

Kimmy, why couldn't
you have drunk light beer?

KIMMY: Whoo!
- Shh.

D.J. Deej, I just
want you to know...

that I plan on being
the same person I was...

before I developed superpowers.

- What's going on in here?
- Oh, great.

It's the Creature from
the Blond Lagoon.

Um, Kimmy's not
feeling very well.

I feel fine.

Wait a minute.

I learned about
this in health class.

She has all the symptoms.

Disorientation.

Dilated pupils.

Lack of balance.

Kimmy ate tainted pork.

Steph, she did not
eat tainted pork.

She's drunk.

No. We gotta tell Dad.

No, no, we can't. Kimmy's
not exactly his favorite person.

If he finds out, she'll
never be allowed back.

Again I say, we gotta tell Dad.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

DANNY: D.J.
- Yeah, one sec, Dad.

KIMMY: Woo-hoo D.J.: Shh!

Look, look, Kimmy, we're
gonna play a little game, okay?

Whoever can stay quietest gets to lip
wrestle the captain of the football team.

Play ball.

Come in.

You're home early.
How was the party?

Oh, it was great.
It was really good.

We just didn't wanna
burn out on fun.

I'm glad you had a good time.

That isn't the guy who created
Love Boat under there, is it?

No, actually it's Kimmy.

She had a really big
fight with her parents...

so I just told her she
could sleep at our house.

Why couldn't she just have a really big
fight with us and sleep at her own house?

That's something to think about.

You know, I'm... I'm
really tired. All that frat fun.

I'll just see you
guys in the morning?

- All right. Sleep tight, sweetheart.
- Okay.

KIMMY: Hey, this
party's too dark.

Kimmy, the party's over.

You got us kicked out.

Just go to sleep, okay?

You can't tell me what to do.

Look, Kimmy, I'm trying
to be a good friend...

but you're making
this really hard.

Well, let me make
it easy for you.

I'm out of here.

D.J., what am I gonna do?

Nicky and Alex still hate me.

D.J.?

My, what a boney butt you have.

I don't wanna go to school.

Mom, you shrunk.

Whoa!

Well, you're finally up.

Next time, dragon breath sleeps
in your bed, I want to be notified.

Rise and shine.

It's a beautiful morning.

[MOANS]

Somebody turn down the sun.

Have a pleasant night?

It was awful.

I had this horrible dream I was
driving a white porcelain bus.

That's just because you spent the night
with your head in the toilet, throwing up.

Oh.

No wonder every time I hit
the turn signal, I heard a flush.

Do you have any memory
of what happened last night?

Yes, I do.

You ruined the
best night of my life.

I ruined your night?

Who do you think was holding your
hair while you were driving that bus?

Who...? Who let you sleep in
their bed while they slept on a chair?

Who called your parents
and covered for you?

You're just jealous because
I was the life of the party.

[SCOFFS]

You are so off.

Oh, please. I
remember everything.

The party was just getting hot.

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO]

KIMMY: You were
sitting on reject row.

[LAUGHING]

[LAUGHING]

Kimmy, where have you been?

You promised you
wouldn't leave me alone.

[IN ENGLISH ACCENT] I've been
on the veranda having cocktails...

with these incredibly
engaging young men.

I hate this party.

None of the cool
guys will talk to me.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

I find the guests
quite obliging.

Oh, Kimmy. Would you
honor us with a poem?

If you insist.

This is one of my favorites:

I think that I shall never
see A poem lovely as a tree

Hors d'oeuvres.

Kimmy, I've never seen
you so clever and witty.

Not to mention coordinated.

And I hate it. We're going
home and I'm driving.

I'm tired of taking
a back seat to you.

No. Don't take her from us.

She's a national treasure.

The party will die without
her grace and charm.

Then let it die.

[ALL GROANING]

KIMMY: And that's
how you ruined my night.

Hello, news flash.

I saved your scrawny
neck last night.

You embarrassed my
scrawny neck last night.

I think it's time we
went our separate ways.

That's the first coherent
thing you've said all day.

Good. We agree.
This friendship is over.

- Fine with me.
- Fine with me.

Kimmy, this is my room.

You are so possessive.

[IMITATING SWEDISH CHEF]

Joey...

it doesn't smell
like French toast.

Steph, I am determined to come
up with a tasty meal for this family.

Now, I only know two
things for certain in this world:

People love pastry.

People love fish.

Thus I submit for
your approval...

Flounder-Tarts.

Approval denied.

Uncle Jesse, when are you
gonna talk to Nicky and Alex?

They're still mad at me.

Don't worry about it, shorty. Your
Uncle Jesse has it all taken care of.

Joey, two questions:

Can you help me?

And what did I just
put in my mouth?

Yes and Flounder-Tart.

Oh, brother.

I should have got all
the bones out of this one.

Give me that. Give me that.

All right, there you
go. Jess, boys are here.

All right, boys,
sit down, sit down.

Honey, I still think we should let
the kids work this out for themselves.

Becky, sweetheart,
sweetheart, sweetheart...

if kids could work things out by
themselves, they wouldn't need parents.

I'm gonna teach them
something called forgiveness.

Sit back and watch the master.

Yes, master.

I'll be over there in my
bottle if you need me.

All right, Jeannie.
All right, Jeannie.

All right, gentlemen.

Now, when you're dealing with
your cousins or your friends...

there's a very important thing I
like to call forgiveness, all right.

Can you guys say
that? Say forgiveness.

- Forgiveness.
- Forgiveness.

Heck of a try. Good.

I see it's a little fuzzy, so I'll
show you what I'm talking about.

- Joseph, can you help me? I need a hand.
- Absolutely.

Okay. Now, say...

Say I was to put, I don't
know, one of Joey's...

very delicious Flounder-Tarts in
his pocket here, like so. Watch.

See, just put it in the pocket.

And I give it a nice...

What's the work I'm
looking for? Whack.

Like so.

I know that my dear pal, Joey,
would forgive me. Right, Joe?

- Yes, I forgive you.
- Thank you. You see how that works, boys?


I do a thing, he forgives.
It works very nice.

Now, boys, can you find it your
heart to forgive Michelle over there?

- No.
- No.

No. Okay, well, I see this concept
may need another example.

Oh, well, permit me, Daddy.

[JOEY CHUCKLING]

Now, boys, if I were to take
some of this leftover fish goo...

- Well...
- and put some of it in my hand...

and just kind of goop
it on Daddy's face...

like so...

I know that he would forgive me.

I'm gonna...

- Forgive you. I forgive you.
- Mm-hm.

I do forgive you.

Yeah, well, let's...

Let's keep going with
this thing, shall we?

Now, boys, pay attention. If I
were to, say, oh, I don't know...

take this whole
pitcher of flounder goo...

and then I was to pour
it down Joey's shirt...

Joseph, can you help me?
My hands are a little dirty.

Like this:

I know that my buddy, Joey,
would forgive me. Right, Joe?

Oh, I forgive you, Jess.

But, boys...

just so there's not a
shadow of a doubt...

on this whole
forgiveness concept...

suppose I were to take this
eggbeater and crank it up to frappé...

and just stand
behind your dad...

Okay, okay, professors!

Now, boys...

before this fish fry goes any further
can you please tell your cousin Michelle...

- that you forgive her?
- We can't.

Why not?

We don't know
what "forgive" means.

Guys, forgiveness means you
know I'm sorry for what I did...

and you'll give me
another chance...

because we love each other.

Oh.

We forgive you.

See, now, who knew the kids
could work this out all by themselves?

Oh, that's right, I did.

Hey, Deej, we're all
going out to breakfast.

The kitchen smells
like Sea World.

You can bring Kimmy
along, if you'd like.

I wouldn't invite Kimmy to any
place where humans gather.

Oh, so I take it you two
had a little argument.

Little in the sense that
we're never talking again.

The truth is Kimmy slept here
because she got drunk at that party...

and couldn't go home.

- I hope you weren't drinking too.
- No, Dad, don't worry. I wasn't drinking.

And I drove home...

after I fought her for the keys.

Oh, man. It's a good
thing you were there.

- Why didn't you tell me this last night?
- I should have...

but I was afraid you
wouldn't let me see her again.

But that's just fine with me.

Well, Deej, I know I say a lot
of things about Kimmy being...

an annoying, obnoxious nuisance,
and I mean every one of them...

but she's still
your best friend.

If somebody makes
a wrong choice...

I don't think you can just walk
away from them and ignore them.

Well, I really don't want to
spend the rest of my life...

with Kimmy draped
over my shoulder.

She's just not the kind of
person I wanna hang out with.

Yeah, but you're the
kind of person she needs.

Especially now, don't you think?

I thought you'd have
made it home by now.

I'm pacing myself.

My objective is the
fence by nightfall.

Kimmy, you're so hung-over.

Stop screaming.

I don't need to hear
anymore lectures from you.

Well, what you need to hear is exactly
what happened at that party last night.

D.J.: I was actually
having a good time.

I was talking to
these two nice guys.

You were off
somewhere getting drunk.

[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]

KIMMY: It's show time. ALL: Hey.

Kimmy... Kimmy, don't do this.

Out of my way,
Little Miss Perfect.

All right, attention
ladies and gentledudes.

I would like to recite a
little poem entitled "Gas".

[BURPS]

[ALL GROANING]

Thank you. I wrote
that one myself.

And now for my encore.

Hey, snacks.

[CLATTERING]

Who invited her?

[COUGHING]

Hey, hey. I want you to get
your friend out of here now.

Oh, sure she's boring.

That's no reason to
kick her out of the party.

We kicked out the guys
who brought the beer.

If we get caught we
could lose our charter.

I'm sorry. We're leaving.

- Kimmy, give me the keys.
- I think not.

If you're making me leave,
at least I can just drive home.

Kimmy, you're in no
condition to drive home.

But if I walk I might
fall and hurt myself.

Let's go.

[THUD]

I told you so.

D.J.: And that's
what really happened.

You just can't admit
you were jealous of me.

You had to embarrass me
and take my car keys like...

Like I'm some kind of child.

Kimmy, you could barely walk.

It's my life. What do you care?

I'm sorry. I do care.

My mom d*ed because
of a drunk driver.

I wasn't gonna lose my
best friend the same way.

Deej...

I'm sorry.

I know. I made an idiot
out of myself last night.

I didn't know how to
talk to those frat guys.

But after a couple of
drinks, I started to loosen up.

For the first time
in my life, I felt cool.

Well, Kimmy, they called you
a lot of things at that party...

but cool wasn't one of them.

Well, Deej, how come
you weren't nervous?

Are you kidding? I was a wreck.

I was talking to this really cute
guy and... And he kept smiling at me.

And then I looked down and I realized
that my elbow was in the clam dip.

Oh, man, I would have
been so humiliated.

Yeah, well, it wasn't
my finest moment.

But in some weird
way, it broke the ice.

And we were laughing about it.

So the trick to staying calm is
to keep your elbow in the dip?

The trick is to remember
that everybody is nervous.

And it's a lot easier to
handle if you stay in control.

I'm glad one of us did.

Thanks, D.J.
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