08x11 - Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Full House". Aired: September 1987 to May 1995.*
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A widower enlists help to raise his three daughters..
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08x11 - Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen

Post by bunniefuu »

I bought Dad the
greatest gift for Christmas.

Wow, Michelle. A store-bought gift?
No more homemade presents, huh?

Not that I didn't love my
Tony the Tiger earrings.

Yeah, Frosted Flakes
make great jewelry.

Well, I still use my Rice
Krispies retainer container.

So, squirt, where's
the great gift?

Ta-da.

So, squirt, where's
the great gift?

Right here. See? It's
a party tie. Isn't it cool?

Here's a cup-holder so your hands
are free to eat Christmas cookies.

What do you think?

I've never see a tie so...

stiff.

I'm sure Dad'll love it.

Yeah, I gotta wrap it real good
so Dad won't know what it is.

Give it to him right now
and he won't know what it is.

[MOUTHS] Kimm y.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Oh, wow, something smells great.

Roast turkey, hot apple
cider and pumpkin pie.

Actually, Becky, it's easy to
mistake. It's my new air freshener.

Can of Christmas. Now
with more nog than ever.

So, what's in your bags?

Oh, I just got some Christmas stocking
stuffers. I just love Christmas Eve.

I love being out, there's
something so magical about it.

Everybody's so happy.
There's so much love in the air.

Joey you're an idiot.

Well, if I'm an idiot then
you're an idiot's friend.

You know, if I could take a candy
cane, shove it up your nose sideways...

I'd be a happy man.

The sounds of the season.

You had to drag me to the
dry cleaner's on Christmas Eve.

The one day when everyone's
picking up their Santa suits.

You ever been mauled
by 20 fat, jolly guys?

Well, it's been a while.

Hey, if I'm gonna play
Santa's helper tonight...

I wanna be fresh,
pressed and stain free.

That'd be a new look for you.

Madhouse out there.

What happened to peace
on Earth, goodwill to men?

I saw two women get into a slap
fight over a Lego nativity scene.

All right, fine. Well, I
think I'll just go slip into...

my freshly Martinized
Santa costume.

Ho, ho, ho, Ebenezer.

Jess, I have something
that'll cheer you up.

Michelle, you'll like this too.
Look at this gag gift I got for Joey.

Oh, man. Now I know
why they call it a gag gift.

BECKY: It's a party tie.

Look, you put your drink right
there and then your hands are free...

to point out exactly
how ugly this thing is.

- That is the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
- What do you think?

It's hilarious. I'm just gonna
put this present under the tree.

Out in the forest.

Jess, did you pick
up some mistletoe?

Oh, yeah. Two hours
and seven bucks later.

Honey, that's parsley.

Ripped off on Christmas Eve.

We'll just have to
kiss under the garnish.

Joy to the world.

Michelle, what're you
doing? That's dangerous.

What is this?

Something I wanna burn.

Something you wanna
burn? "To Daddy Love"...

This is a present for your dad.

I saved all my milk money
so I could buy it for him.

So why do you wanna torch it?

Because "It's the dumbest
thing you've ever seen."

Michelle, I wouldn't say that.

Actually, I did
say that. Didn't I?

Can you take me back to
the store? I gotta exchange it.

Out there on Christmas Eve
again? No, no, no, Michelle.

Listen, can't you just
make your dad something?

I know there's plenty
of cereal in the kitchen.

And I know he's been hinting
for a Fruit Loop sombrero.

I made him that two years ago.

Please take me to the
store. Please, please, please.

Michelle, Michelle, Michelle.

No pouting, no whining and
no quivering of the lip. Okay?

Nothing is gonna work.

Even if it's my first year I ever bought
a present and Dad's gonna hate it?

And this could scar me for life?

Guilt will work. Guilt is good.
I didn't say guilt earlier, did I?

Here we go. Put the jacket on.
Let's hurry, please, it's Christmas Eve.

JOEY: Keep going,
keep going, keep going.

[GRUNTING]

It won't close.

I can't believe how
much weight I've gained.

You know what it is?

Chocolate boing-boings
come three to a pack now.

Joey, I don't think excess...
make your arms longer.

You know, Steph, you're
absolutely right. I know what it is.

The dry cleaner gave
me the wrong Santa suit.

Well, you can't
disappoint Nicky and Alex.

You have to try and
squeeze into the thing.

- You're right.
- On three.

Steph, I'll push the
bottom, you pull the top.

- Joey, you close the belt.
- Okay.

Ready? One, two, three.

Okay, go. Keep going, keep
going. I got it. There we go.

[GRUNTING]

JOEY: Get off.

Oh, Joey, my hand is going numb.

JOEY: Pull, D.J. D.J.: Joey.

- What the heck is that?
JOEY: Wait a second.

Let's check it out.

JOEY: This way. D.J.: My hand.

JOEY: We're like a three-legged
horse. STEPH: It's stuck. Ow, Joey.

JOEY: Ow!
- Santa is hurting them.

He's a monster.

JOEY: You're stepping on my
feet. ALEX: Monster. Mommy!

Whoa, whoa. What's the
matter? What's wrong?

- It's Santa.
- He's scary.

JOEY: No! Ho, ho!

- Santa's not hurting anyone.
- Ow!

Except her.

ALEX: Monster.

BOTH: Aah!
- Guys, guys, guys.

Could you just open
for a second, please?

- We're closed.
- It's an emergency.

I don't care about an
emergency. We're closed.

- I can't hear what you're saying.
- Can't you see the sign?

- I can't hear.
- I said we're closed.

This'll just take a moment.

Hello, Mr. Dreghorn.
Remember me?

Yeah, I remember you. You're the
little girl with the big bag of nickels.

Right. I accidentally
bought this stupid gift.

Stupid gift? You know how many
of those stupid things I sell a year?

Well, I know two for sure.

- Well, I'd like to exchange it.
- Have you got your receipt with you?

- At home, maybe.
- No, no, no. Look, we have to close.

- Would you mind leaving?
Right now. JESSE: Wait, hold on.

Wait a minute. I don't understand.
You say you recognize her.

Why can't you just exchange it?

Come on, it's
Christmas Eve, man.

You know the date, too bad
you don't know what time it is.

- You know what
time it is? JESSE: No.

Quitting time, we're closed.

- Come on.
- I'm gonna make this very simple.

Excuse me, just one second.

- Now this tie thingy cost five bucks.
- Yeah.

Excuse me, sir.

And well, see, this thing
here, this costs five bucks.

[BOX LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

[DREGHORN LAUGHING]

- You think your dad will like this?
- Who wouldn't?

Okay, good. See, even
exchange. Everyone's happy.

Thank you and merry Christmas.

Now wait a minute, sideburns.

You're not going anywhere.
Put the laugh box back.

No, I am gonna go somewhere.
What I'm gonna do is...

I'm gonna do is put
this on the counter...

we're gonna take the laugh box,
even exchange, everyone's happy.

Hey, what're you doing?

I just touched the secret alarm,
the police will be here any minute.

You two are gonna
spend Christmas Eve in jail.

You can't make us stay...

[BOX LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY]

That's not funny.

It's k*lling me.

[LAUGHING]

Open this thing.

Hey.

I don't get it. We're
trying to exchange a gift.

- It's not like we were stealing.
- Save it for the police, Brylcreem.

A, it's mousse.

And two, bring those cops on, okay?
Because I'm gonna charge you with fraud.

- Fraud?
- Kidnapping?

- Kidnapping?
- Failure to exchange a cruddy gift.

- Cruddy gift?
- Mm-hm.

Mr. Dreghorn,
if you let us go...

you wouldn't be stuck
here on Christmas Eve.

Well, I don't mind, little girl,
sitting here until justice is served.

Yeah and after that he's probably
gonna go out and bag some reindeer.

Say, Grinch, you mind
if I have some water?

No, go on, help
yourself, dig a well.

[LAUGHING]

He fell for the old
dribble glass, Michelle.

That's great.

- I mean, here's a towel, Uncle Jesse.
- No, don't touch that.

- Well, we'll just put it on my
bill. DREGHORN: Suit yourself.

[LAUGHING]

So you kids pretty excited
about Santa coming here tonight?

Santa's coming here?

Yes, he waits till we're all asleep
and then he sneaks into the house.

You locked the door, right?

Oh, it doesn't matter. Santa
just slides right down the chimney.

I'll hide under the covers.

No, hiding under the covers won't
help. He sees you when you're sleeping...

when you're awake. You better
be good, Santa is coming tonight.

Santa's coming?

- Santa's coming.
- Santa's coming.

Santa's coming.

Hey, Danny, did I mention
to you that the boys...

are terrified, beyond
words, of Santa?

No, but maybe that would explain
why they ran out in a total panic.

You wanna help me pry
them out from under the couch?

Yep.

I can't believe it. It's Christmas Eve
and I'm stuck in Scrooge's fun house.

Oh, Uncle Jesse,
you dropped a dollar.

Oh, well thanks, Michelle. Must
have fallen out of my pocket.

[LAUGHING]

That's three in a row we
got this yahoo, Michelle.

"Must have fallen
out of my pocket."

Whose side are you on, anyway?

Sorry, Uncle Jesse,
it was just a joke.

I got news for both of
you. The joke is over.

If the cops wanna arrest
me, they can at my house.

Because I'm getting out of here
if I have to blast my way through.

Now wait a minute,
hold it, Fonzie.

I called the police 20 minutes ago
and told them it was a false alarm.

You what? And you kept
us in here the whole time?

- Is this another one of your stupid jokes?
- Now don't blow your top.

We don't want to start
a grease fire in here.

You really wanna
get out of here?

Yes, I'd like to get out. It's Christmas
Eve and I'm not with my family.

All right, you wanna
go. Okay, I'll let you out.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Look at this guy.
Let's go, Michelle.

That's the most ridiculous
thing I've ever heard.

Michelle, put the glasses
away, put the cigar out...

and let's go get Christmas over
with. This is what I'm talking about.

These are the people
I've been dealing with.

Does he care about
his fellow man? No.

Does he care that we have
family waiting at home? No.

He's probably having
Santa's sleigh towed.

- Come on.
- Wait, Uncle Jesse.

Maybe he locked us in so he
wouldn't be all alone on Christmas Eve.

Michelle, listen to me.
He doesn't care about us...

so we don't have to
care about him. Let's go.

You wanted to go home.
Both of you, get out. Let's go.

Mr. Dreghorn, what're
you doing tonight?

Never mind, little girl. I
have big plans tonight.

Good, have your big plans. Go have dinner
with your family and drive them crazy.

My family, huh? Which
family are you talking about?

The one that doesn't write me?

Or the one that never phones me?


You're not gonna spend
Christmas Eve with family?

Forget about my
family. Forget them.

They forgot about
me a long time ago.

They went up to Oregon, took
my grandchildren with them.

I haven't talked
to them for years.

Why didn't you go with them?

Why didn't I go with them? I had to
stay here and take care of this fun box.

Besides...

they never asked me.

Swallow your pride, Dreghorn.

Get your butt up there and
see them. Family is everything.

You don't know
what you're missing.

I don't know what I'm missing?
I know what I'm missing, man.

I don't need to be told
by a walking oil slick.

Um, sorry, I was
just trying to help.

Well, then leave.

That'd help.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Uncle Jesse, it's Christmas Eve.

Can't Mr. Dreghorn
have dinner at our house?

Why would I wanna
do a thing like that?

So you wouldn't be lonely.

Lonely? I'm not
lonely, little girl.

You don't fool me
one bit, Dreghorn.

I can see it in your eyes, pal.

You're not this grumpy
guy you appear to be.

And I'll tell you something else. I know
in your heart, you don't wanna stay here...

Christmas Eve, locked in a place
with a bunch of whoopee cushions...

and rubber vomit.

Now wait a minute. Be
careful how you talk about that.

That's genuine, made in
the U.S.A., regurgitation.

The...

Oh...

What are we talking about?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make
fun of your merchandise here.

I know this is quality
puke you got going.

I gotta apologize to you. I'm
sorry about the cr*ck about oil slick.

Even though you are a quart low.

Hey, listen. That
offer is still good.

We'd love you to come over
and have Christmas Eve with us.

Please say yes.

I don't think I can.

- It would mean so much to the kid.
- Yeah, it'd mean a lot to the kid.

Yeah. You know she is about
the age of my granddaughter.

All right, good. Let's
go have some fun.

No, wait. Listen, there's something
I've been wanting to do for a long time.

And I'm gonna do
it now. Wait for me.

Uncle Jesse, are you happy now?

Yeah.

I think inviting Dreghorn
over was a great idea.

I've been bellyaching all day about
no one having any Christmas spirit.

The problem wasn't with everyone
else, the problem was with me.

- You lost your Christmas spirit?
- Yeah, I'm afraid I did.

But you know something? I
think I'm starting to get it back.

Merry Christmas, munchkin.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Jesse.

You did a good thing,
I gotta hand it to you.

[BUZZING]

Ow! Ow!

- I got you again.
- You got me again.

"But I heard him say
as he drove out of sight...

happy Christmas to all
and to all a good night."

Santa gone yet?

Santa's gone.

Good.

So Becky, how's the
Santa conditioning going?

If we show them more positive
images we can move them...

from a hate to a strong dislike.

Well, what could be more
positive than Santa cookies?

See how cute he is?
Look at that. There you go.

Oh, look at that.

It tastes good.

Yeah and this
year he's fat free.

Take a look. See, his belly's
a little bit thinner this year.

[BELLS JINGLING]

Look who's here. It's
Comet, the wet-nose reindeer.

And he's pulling a big,
fluffy harmless-looking Santa.

Yeah, so you can have Santa
on your laps for a change.

Here try it.

He's soft.

See that? Santa loves you.

Well, mission accomplished.

I think we finally got them over
their "Santa Claus-trophobia."

[LAUGHING]

JOEY: Ho, ho, ho.

I guess Joey found another suit.

Guys, that sounds
like Santa's helper.

- Are you ready to meet him?
- Yeah.

Ho, ho, hippity-hop, ho.

- Monster.
- Monster.

No, boys, it's just
me, Joey. See?

What happened? You forget to
set your calendar again this year?

Well, Danny, I knew the boys
were afraid of Santa Claus.

So I dug up my old Easter bunny
costume. Everybody loves the Easter bunny.

So everybody's gonna
love the Christmas bunny.

There are still a
couple of holdouts.

At least you were able to
stuff a pillow into this suit.

I'm not using a pillow.

Oh, sorry.

- We want Santa.
- We want Santa.

- We want Santa.
- We want Santa.

- Hey, everybody. We're back.
- Hey.

And we brought a surprise.

Ho, ho, ho!

Go see Santa.

This is one of Santa's helpers. You guys
know Mr. Dreghorn from the novelty store.

- Yeah.
- Merry Christmas, everybody.

ALL: Merry Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Santa.
- Merry Christmas, Bugs.

All right, gather round, everybody.
I've got presents for everybody.

Santa has presents.
What's in the bag, guys?

Hey, where were you guys?

I bought you a dumb
present and I had to return it...

so you'd have something
nice for Christmas.

Michelle, you didn't have to do
that. I'd love anything you got me.

I wanted to get you the
best present I could...

because I wanted you
to know that I love you.

Sweetheart, I know that anyway.

Well, I got you
something great, anyways.

Sorry I didn't
wrap it. Open it up.

This is lovely wrapping.

Oh, would you look at that.
It's a candy cane toothbrush.

Oh, now my mouth is gonna
just feel Christmas-y all year long.

- Thank you, sweetheart. It's beautiful.
- Thanks.

- Hey, Mr. Dreghorn, come here.
- Yeah.

- Come here.
- Yes.

- I got a present for you.
- Present for me?

Mm-hm.

Portable phone. It's
what I've always wanted.

- No, you know what this is for.
- Huh?

- Call them.
- Call them?

Hey, look what Michelle
got me. Look at this.

Try it out.

[TOOTHBRUSH PLAYING
"DECK THE HALLS"]

Hello.

Hello, honey?

This is your grandpa.

And a merry Christmas to you.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Dreghorn.

Oh, it is a merry Christmas.

[ALL SINGING "DECK THE HALLS"]
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