Okay, gentlemen, now you
cut along the dotted line there.
JESSE: Good boy, very good.
And when you guys are
finished, we're gonna open it up...
and you're gonna see a very groovy
Valentine's Day present for your mother.
This I gotta see.
Wasn't I right about cauliflower
tasting good if you plug your nose?
Remember when we went like that?
Now, open it up.
You're smart, Daddy.
- Hi, guys.
- Hey, honey.
Look what we made you, Mama.
[GASPS]
Oh, let me see.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, how beautiful.
That's because we love you.
I love you.
- Ha, ha, ha.
- And thank you so much, I love you too.
Well, if you like that, wait
until you see what I made you.
[IMITATES DRUM ROLL]
[LAUGHS]
- Oh, honey, thank you, it's so beautiful.
- I made it myself.
[IMITATES WRESTLING
ANNOUNCER] Let's get ready to rumble.
BOTH: One, two, three, four...
I declare a thumb w*r.
[CLAMORING]
Cheese it!
Cheese it, authority figure.
Okay, class.
Let's settle down.
You all know Mr. Gladstone
and Mrs. Carruthers from the PTA.
And they have a very special
announcement to make.
We're getting married.
[LAUGHS]
Just kidding.
The real announcement is that
during this year's PTA fundraiser-drive...
your class sold more candy bars
than any other class in the entire school.
[ALL CHEER]
And a special thanks to Michelle
for selling the most candy bars.
And a special thanks to Joey
for eating the most candy bars.
Well, it was an honor to get so
bloated for such a worthy cause.
[CHUCKLES]
And because of
all your hard work...
the PTA is throwing you a
special Valentine's Day party.
[ALL CHEER]
Okay, let's break into
our reading groups.
[QUIET CHATTER]
I hope you can
make it to the party.
- Oh, I'll be there with pants on.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I hope so.
And please, call me Joey.
Okay, Joey.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Excuse me.
Joey, we best be on our way.
Well, after you.
Oh, no, after you.
Buns before beauty. Ha.
- Ha.
- Ha.
A party in our classroom?
It's gonna be like
MTV with a milk break.
Yeah, and since it's
a Valentine's party...
we should all have dates.
Right, girls?
- Right.
- Right.
Right, guys?
[BOYS TALKING OVER EACH OTHER]
Do we have to?
I said, "Right?"
- Yeah, yeah, great idea.
- Yeah, okay.
Okay, Derek's mine.
I love these aggressive
women of the '90s.
Michelle, you'll be with Teddy.
MICHELLE AND TEDDY: Cool.
And Aaron, you'll
be with Sophia.
Don't wear anything trampy.
And now that we each have
a boyfriend or girlfriend...
now we gotta sit by them.
Do I have to sit next to him?
Yes, you're in a relationship.
[CHATTERING]
I never had a boyfriend before.
What should we do now?
Well, my sister has a
boyfriend and all she ever does...
is write his name
over and over again.
- We can do that. What's his name?
- Lenny.
BOTH: L-E-N...
N-Y.
L-E...
Mm.
Beck, this a good pastrami sandwich,
but I think it needs more mustard.
It's salmon.
Oh, then it's just
right. It's good.
- Hey, guys. JESSE: Hey.
I just spoke to Claire, I got
my big Valentine's Day all set.
Oh, yeah? What's the plan, Stan?
Well, here's what
I'm thinking, Lincoln.
Roses, candy and maybe
dinner in a nice restaurant.
Your first Valentine's with Claire,
you gotta do something special.
You have a better idea?
[SCOFFS]
Yes. As a matter of fact, I do.
I happen to be the king of coming
up with great romantic Valentine dates.
For instance, remember that...
Remember that time we had that
moonlit picnic overlooking the ocean?
- Oh. That was beautiful.
- Yeah.
And how about the time when
I got that bed and breakfast...
and I decked out the
whole room with red roses.
- That was unforgettable.
- Yeah.
How about walking hand in
hand on the Golden Gate Bridge...
glass of champagne.
That wasn't me.
It was Joey, that's what it was.
I remember because we were walking,
he looked down, he got scared, he said:
"Jess, hold my
hand." I held his hand.
- He said, "I'm thirsty..."
- Jess, can it.
[LAUGHS]
He might have a lousy memory, but he
does come up with romantic evenings.
Go ahead, honey, tell him what
you have planned for us this year.
Well, Beck, I was thinking,
at this stage in our marriage...
that we don't need to do
some kind of special thing...
to prove our love to each other.
We don't?
No. Now, Danny
for instance, see...
He's just starting
to date Claire.
This is all new for him,
so he's gotta woo her.
We, on the other hand,
we're pretty much wooed out.
Well, no, there's
always room for woo.
I mean, room for roo-Woo.
I mean, you made
me a sandwich, okay?
Nothing says love like a piece of
cold fish between two slices of bread.
Guess what, we're having a
party at our class tomorrow.
I'm going with Teddy.
He's my boyfriend.
Michelle, I'm very happy for
you. How'd you guys get together?
I don't know. It
happened so fast.
One minute I'm
thumb wrestling...
the next thing I know,
I'm out of circulation.
- Thanks for walking me home, Kenneth.
- You're welcome.
Boy, I wish you
weren't so smart.
All these books are heavy.
Well, actually,
they're not books.
I had to bring in my rock collection
for my Earth Science class. Heh.
But you must be pretty strong to
carry them all the way from school.
[CHUCKLES] Thanks.
I've been working out a little.
I can tell.
You know, Steph,
you have beautiful hair.
Oh-ho, thanks.
I raised it from peach fuzz.
- I'll call you tonight.
- I'll be waiting.
[ROCKS THUMPING]
Do boyfriends and girlfriends
always act so stupid?
Oh, they're just warming up.
[COMET BARKS]
[GRUNTS]
Comfy?
Okay, Michelle, get ready.
There's no way you can
defeat the Thumb Master.
Teddy, I'm your girlfriend.
We can't thumb wrestle anymore.
We can hold hands, but we've
gotta keep our thumbs still.
[SIGHS]
Okay. What's next?
Well, you could
look into my eyes...
and say something
sweet about me.
Okay.
You have a nice head.
Thank you. Nice
heads run in my family.
Noses run in my family. Get it?
[SNIFFLING]
Teddy, you're ruining the mood.
Sorry.
Now what do we do?
I think we're supposed to kiss.
[IN UNISON] Nah.
I know what you can
do. You could call me.
Call you what?
No, go home and call me.
Oh, okay.
I'm glad you know what to do.
Hmm.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
- Teddy?
- Michelle, that was the door.
Sorry, I got my bells mixed up.
Oh, hi, can I help you?
Yeah, you Joey Gladstone?
That's what it says on
my underpants. Heh.
Right. Well, this is for you.
Whoa, look at this.
That's incredible. What
did I do to deserve all this?
- That's just what I was thinking.
- Oh.
[CHUCKLES] Have
a nice day. Goodbye.
Joey, who's it from?
Let's see, there's a
card right here. It says:
"To Joey. You've put
a smile in my heart...
and a butterfly in my stomach.
From Your Secret Admirer."
Wow, I bet it's Mrs. Carruthers.
She has her eye on you.
That's the only part of
her she hasn't had on me.
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello? Hi, Teddy.
Wanna come over?
So? Come over again.
Yes, you have to.
And can you bring
some candy and flowers?
Because it's romantic.
I've gotta tell him everything.
All right, picture this.
Yacht on the bay.
String quartet,
caviar, champagne...
a vase with a single rose.
- Oh, Jess.
- Thanks, buddy.
Claire's gonna remember
this for the rest of her life.
Claire?
I worked all day setting this
up, you're gonna be happy.
Is he the king of
romance, or what?
Oh, he's a royal something.
- Now, I think you should wear a tuxedo.
- Tuxedo?
[SPRAYING]
[SNIFFS]
What stinks?
It's my new perfume, I
borrowed it from Steph.
It's called A Night In Paris.
Whoa. I'm never
going there after dark.
Did you bring the
candy and flowers?
Can't we just thumb wrestle?
I told you, boyfriends and
girlfriends don't do that.
Well, can't we draw or watch
cartoons or do something fun?
Um... Here, you
can carry my books.
And the fun part would be?
Look, I don't make the rules.
That's just what boyfriends
are supposed to do.
Being a boyfriend is a bad job.
Well, that's because
you've got a bad attitude.
This is nuts. I'm breaking up.
You can't. We have to
stay together for the kids.
We don't even have kids.
The kids at the party.
We'll be the only ones
there without dates.
Who cares?
I gave you the
best day of my life.
[SIGHS]
Hey, Michelle, tell Steph
I returned her flannel.
Hey, twerparella,
you look awful.
- Teddy and I just broke up.
- Who cares?
- I was just making an observation.
- Kimmy.
I'm sorry, Michelle.
DJ, can you help me?
Guys are always
breaking up with you.
Excuse me, but guys
don't break up with me.
I break up with them.
Either way, you're alone on
Saturday night watching The Commish,
True.
Hey, girls. Dinner's ready.
- I'm not hungry.
- Why, honey, what's wrong?
Teddy gave her the old heave-ho.
Aw. Well, that's too bad,
Michelle. You must feel awful.
You know what? You're
only in the third grade.
Believe me, you will have
plenty of time for boyfriends.
But now I don't have a
date for the Valentine's party.
Just do what any woman
in your position would do...
key his bike.
It was so nice, the
first five minutes.
Yeah, the first five minutes
are always the easiest.
And then it's
their turn to talk.
Girls, all guys
are not the same.
I'm sure in the beginning
they're a little more romantic.
The flowers, the caviar.
The moonlight picnics.
And then one day,
you turn around and...
there he is, chomping
on a big old fish sandwich.
That's when realize he'd
rather chew than woo.
Men, they won't
bring you flowers.
They won't make a commitment.
They won't squat
in Jell-O for you.
Don't knock it
until you've tried it.
Boy, do we sound awful.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
- Guys aren't that bad.
- Yeah.
From now on, no
more men bashing.
I can't believe that
Kenneth hasn't called.
If a guy says he's
gonna call, he should call.
I should have
carried my own rocks.
I mean, they weren't
even that heavy.
Okay, maybe a
little more bashing.
[CHATTERING INDISTINCTLY]
More flowers and candy?
Boy, Mrs. Carruthers must
like her men fat and fragrant.
Well, she picked the right guy.
Oh, go on. I gotta
put a stop to this.
Jess, how do I turn a woman off?
Show her your bank account
and driver's license picture.
That might work.
Well? Huh?
So? How do I look?
Like you're going
hiking with James Bond.
Hey, you're going on a boat
ride, what's with the pack, Jack?
Hey, take it easy, greasy.
I'm just being prepared, Jess.
I got everything. I
got my shark repellent.
Huh.
- Yeah, I got, uh... Ooh,
signal flares. JESSE: Hmm.
These are good to have
around, seasick patches.
Nothing says romance like an
anti-vomit tag behind your ear.
I don't know, I feel bad. I
appreciate everything you've done.
You've spent so much time setting up this
for me, you didn't plan one for yourself.
Oh, don't worry about us.
We're just an old married couple.
Give us the remote, nice
old rerun of an Elvis movie...
clear path to the bathroom...
and we're as happy as two
raccoons in a Denny's dumpster.
Raccoons in a dumpster?
Denny's.
Is that how you see us?
I can't believe that you've
lost every bit of romance.
I mean, you've gone from
Mr. Excitement to Mister Rogers.
Is it me or does she
seem a tad cranky?
A tad and a half, I'd say.
You know what she needs?
- Some fresh air.
- No, I do not need any.
- I don't need any fresh air.
- It's good fresh air.
- I don't want any fresh air.
- It's special fresh air.
Jess, I don't understand
why I have to go outside...
What the heck?
I was thinking, wouldn't it be romantic
to take a nice hot-air balloon ride...
over the wine country
We could hang...
[AIR BLOWING]
Oh, look, here's one now.
Isn't it amazingly convenient
that your luggage is packed...
and a beautiful picnic has
already been prepared?
There you are, sir.
By the way, is this neighborhood
zoned for hot-air balloon?
You guys set me up.
Big time.
Hop in.
Now, did you think that I would
really forget Valentine's Day, honey?
I mean, come... Oh,
hey, look, what's this?
Champagne and some
beautiful red roses.
[CHUCKLES]
I don't know, all that talk about
being an old married couple, I was...
I was afraid we were
really wooed out.
Honey, you're so wong... Wrong.
Now, that's never gonna happen.
Let me tell you something,
every day I wake up...
and I look at you next to me...
I fall in love with
you all over again.
Oh, Jess, you are still
the king of romance.
Yes, long live the king.
[CHUCKLES]
Up, James, and cover your eyes.
All right, bye-bye.
You guys have a
magical, wonderful time.
While you're up there, can you...
Can you check my rain gutters?
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING INSIDE]
I heard you and Teddy split up.
Did he break your heart?
Nah, I thought so...
but it turned out
to be just gas.
- Well, sorry, it's over.
- Me too.
I'm the only one
here without a date.
You're so lucky.
Yeah, it's nice to be
here with someone.
All right, everyone,
we have the music.
Now we need some dancers.
Oh, it's not gonna be much
of a party if nobody dances.
I've got an idea, why don't
we make this ladies' choice.
Girls, you can ask the
gentlemen to dance and...
why don't you work your feminine
charms on the man of your choice.
And any guy who
says no gets a wedgy.
Joey, would you like to dance
or would you like a wedgy?
Either way, I can't lose.
Luckily either way I
can, Mrs. Carruthers.
Listen, Mrs. Carruthers, there's something
I'd like to settle with you, okay?
Now, I know what you're gonna
say, but I've gotta give this stuff to you.
Oh.
I've got the rest of the stuff out in
the car including the chocolate cupid...
although I did nibble a
few arrows out of the quiver.
Oh, my little Duncan Heinie.
Would that I had something
to give you in return.
What am I saying? I do.
Say, "Ah."
Oh, Mrs. Carruthers,
wait... Wait a second.
- You didn't give me all this stuff?
- No, you silly willy billy.
- You mean, someone else did.
- Mm-hm.
Did I just see out in the
hallway Willard Scott in a thong?
Oh, I love him.
Willard. Willard?
I didn't know you and Mrs.
Carruthers were an item.
Oh, yeah. I'm
an item, all right.
I'm a Grand Slam breakfast
and she's a hungry trucker.
Joey, I was the one that sent
you the flowers and the candy.
- Really? It was you, Ms. Ullman?
- Oh, please, call me Cindy.
I was hoping it would
be sort of an icebreaker.
- I thought you'd figure out it was me.
- Well, I didn't.
I sure am glad it worked
out that way. Heh.
That wasn't Willard.
Cindy, if you're not
busy sometime...
- I thought that...
- Uh...
[LAMBADA MUSIC PLAYS]
Come here, my
little fiesta platter.
Lambada.
Look, I don't have much time,
would you like to go out with me?
Oh, I'd love to.
- Great, I'll... I'll call you on Friday...
- Joey.
From Guam.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
- You can have it.
- That's okay...
I've already had six.
You've got a lot of time to eat
when you have no one to dance with.
- Pretty crummy party, huh?
- Yeah.
When we were just friends,
these parties were totally fun.
Remember last Thanksgiving
when Derek dressed up like a turkey?
Yeah, and Aaron and I grabbed him
by the legs and tried to make a wish.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
I think being boyfriend and
girlfriend is too many rules.
Me too. I wish we could
just be friends again.
Who says we can't?
Let's shake on it.
Thumb wrestle. Ding! Gotcha.
Cheater, I wasn't ready.
- Ready to dance?
- Are friends allowed to dance?
Friends don't have
rules, they just have fun.
If we gotta dance...
we might as well blow
the roof off this dump.
[MODERN DANCE MUSIC PLAYS]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]