- What's that spell?
- Mom.
Mom. That's very good.
Hey, guys. Check it out.
I can make Comet do all these
tricks without talking to him.
She's gotta be kidding.
Give her a chance,
guys. I'd like to see this.
I only use hand signals.
Watch, and be amazed.
Ready, Comet?
MICHELLE: Watch me, now.
[GRUMBLING]
[MOUTHS WORDS]
[BARKS]
Good boy.
That's very good, Michelle.
Kind of like your own
doggy remote control.
- We can do that.
- It's not as easy as it looks.
Watch, and be amazed.
[COMET BARKING]
[PANTING]
[WHIMPERS]
Whoa, guys. Slow down.
Looks like you blew a fuse.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Oh, hi, Nelson.
- Hey, Steph. Heh.
- Come in.
- Thanks. Heh.
This is a surprise.
Yeah. I thought D.J. dumped you.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, she did. Heh.
Then I thought she
dumped you again.
Well, once again, she did. Heh.
You know, I've heard of
on-again, off-again relationships...
but you guys should be
attached to the Clapper.
[CHUCKLES]
No, don't worry. I've
learned my lesson.
From now on, we are
just friends, buddies, pals.
Nothing that's any
fun for me. Heh.
Nelson, I just got off the phone
with you. How'd you get here so fast?
I called you from my limo...
- in your driveway. Heh.
- Oh.
What's this big news
you wanted to talk about?
My cousin Regina is
flying in from England...
and she's here coordinating the reception
for the queen's visit to San Francisco...
and, well, I just thought I'd invite
you to go with me. As friends.
- Wow, the queen? That's incredible.
- Yeah.
Hey.
Joey, D.J.'s gonna meet
the Queen of England.
Maybe she'll let
you try on her crown.
Yeah, ask her if it's one of
those one-size-fits-all crowns...
with the plastic adjustable
strap in the back.
Actually, Joey, why
don't you ask her yourself?
My cousin Regina is
coming in from England...
and she doesn't know anyone here,
and she did ask me to find her a date, huh?
Yeah, well, what
does she look like?
- Does it matter?
- Not really.
[CHUCKLES]
Hey, guys. Oh, hey, Nelly boy.
Back for another dumping?
It's good to see you too, Kimmy.
Okay, I want you all to
meet my steady, Duane.
He pinned me. But I came back
and took him the next two falls.
So you're Duane. It's
nice to finally meet you.
Heh. Whatever. Heh.
Duane just finished
trade school...
and is going into the
plumbing business with his dad.
He's the toilet doctor.
So then that would
make you the toilet intern.
[CHUCKLING]
Whatever.
Hey, everybody.
Guess what I
found in the mailbox.
Half a cheese wheel and
an empty can of Fresca?
Well, under Kimmy's trash was a letter
from a little place that I like to call...
Stanford University.
Stanford? Oh, my gosh.
This is my first choice.
I've wanted to go there forever.
[INHALES DEEPLY]
- You open it. I'm too nervous.
- Okay.
Stanford. This would be so perfect.
It's a great school. It's close to home.
But it's not nearly as close as Berkeley,
who had the good sense to accept you.
I didn't get in?
Sorry, Deej.
[SIGHS]
Oh, Deej, I'm sorry. Is there
anyone I can call? Write?
Buy?
I can't believe it.
Stanford is the only school
I ever wanted to go to.
I'm sorry you
didn't make it, Deej.
You should've done
what I did when I applied.
Include a $20 bill
with the application.
Come on, Duane. I feel
lucky. Let's go check the mail.
Whatever.
Hey, Deej. You okay? Is
there anything I can do for you?
Yeah, you can scratch the
Stanford bumper sticker off the car.
Oh, I already did. And
the one on the lawn mower.
You guys aren't gonna believe
this. Stanford turned me down too.
I, for one, am shocked.
So did they send your $20 back?
Actually, they sent me 40.
With a note saying, "Let's
pretend this never happened."
I'm sorry, Kimmy. I
know how you feel.
No, you don't. At least
you got into Berkeley.
I'm going nowhere.
I'm a total reject.
[SIGHS] My life
is officially over.
I'm too tall to be a jockey
and too short for the NBA.
You were absent on
career day, weren't you?
Oh, hey, Deej. I heard
about Stanford. I'm sorry.
- Thanks.
- Hey, how about a little sympathy for me?
I got turned down by California.
The University of California?
No. Every college in California.
Gee, Kimmy, that's too bad. And
after all that hard work in high school.
Yeah, well, I had my
heart set on Stanford.
Now I don't know where to go to
school or what to do with my life.
That's okay, Deej. You know, take
a negative and turn it into a positive.
You know, you have a whole
plethora of things you could do.
A whole cornucopia
of opportunities.
You know, you have to carpe
diem, if you will. Seize the day.
You know, I say pick a
road and ease on down it.
If you wanna go to
Berkeley, go to Berkeley.
You wanna go to another
college, go to another college.
If you wanna jump a
steamer and travel around
the world, I say,
hey, babe, go for it.
Or you could marry Nelson
and have him pay for all that stuff.
Yeah, well, the way I feel right
now, that doesn't sound half bad.
I wish I had somebody
like Nelson to fall back on.
Ah. But you have
Mr. Personality.
Yeah, that's all I have: a man
with a plunger and wet socks.
Pretty soon, I won't
even have my best friend.
What are you talking about?
Come on, Deej. You know you're
gonna go to college somewhere.
You'll meet some new smart
friends and forget all about me.
Let's face it. Life together,
as we know it, is over.
That's gotta brighten
your day a little.
Comet, stop staring at me. I'm
not gonna drop the sandwich.
[WHIMPERS]
Comet, stop begging.
You're worse than Joey.
[WHIMPERS]
Tsk. All right. Oops.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Come in.
- Hey, Deej.
I just brought a book for Joey on
what to do when you meet the queen.
Oh, really? What's it called?
What to Do When You
Meet the Queen. Heh.
Is Joey here?
No, the whole family
went to the mall.
I just wanted to stay home
and think about school.
- Are you still feeling bad?
- Well, I'm feeling better.
My Uncle Jesse was
right. I do have options.
And Berkeley's a great school,
and there are a bunch of others...
that I haven't heard from yet.
So I'm moving out of depressed...
and I'm well on my
way to slightly bummed.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, I have something that'll
take you past slightly bummed...
through okey-dokey,
all the way to perky. Heh.
Remember you were worried about
what to wear when you meet the queen?
Nelson.
Diamond earrings for
me? You shouldn't have.
I didn't. Those are just a loan.
You dumped me, remember?
Well, at least for one night I'll have
earlobes of the rich and famous.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
[PHONE RINGS]
Just... Okay.
[SIGHS]
- Hello. KIMMY: Deej.
I'm about to become
a blushing bride.
Or as Duane says,
a flushing bride.
There must be bad connection.
I could've sworn you said "bride."
You heard right,
bachelorette number one.
I asked Duanie-poo to
marry me, and he said yes.
Well, actually, he
said, "Whatever."
But here we are at the
create-your-own-wedding chapel in Reno.
- Cool, huh?
- Kimmy, what are you doing?
You don't love Duane.
I know. Wish me luck.
D.J.: Kimmy, wait.
Um... We promised that
if we ever got married...
we'd be each other's
bridesmaid, remember?
Well, yeah, that's true, but
you're there and I'm here.
Well, I'll be there, okay? Just
don't do anything until I get there.
Hey, this works out great. If
I don't use their bridesmaid...
I'll save 12 bucks.
Kimmy's getting married.
To what?
She's making a mistake. I have to find
out when the first plane leaves to Reno.
- Fifteen minutes. Heh.
- You memorized the schedule?
No, we'll take my plane.
It leaves when I tell it to.
Great, but I just have
to write my family a note.
- Okay.
- Um...
[INHALES DEEPLY]
Let's see.
"Kimmy's getting married.
Went to Reno with Nelson.
- Love, D.J."
- Perfect.
Oh, gosh. I smudged it all up because
of that grease from the sandwich.
This is an emergency.
Neatness doesn't count.
- I got hot towels in the limo. Let's go.
- Great. We gotta stop that wedding.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WHIMPERS]
[GROWLING]
[CHUCKLING] Why,
honey, you're peeling that...
the wrong way.
Okay, guys. How do I look?
[IN BRITISH
ACCENT] And be brutal.
Now I know why they
call it a monkey suit.
Don't listen to him, Joey.
You look very dashing.
[NORMAL VOICE]
I wish I felt dashing.
I am so nervous about making a
mistake when I meet the queen.
Joey, don't worry about a thing.
When you meet the queen...
all you have to
do is stand there.
You're not from England,
so you don't have to bow.
And don't speak
unless spoken to.
You been meeting
queens and not telling me?
No, I read this book.
I found it on the table.
Nelson must've brought it over.
"To Nelson. Love, the queen.
P.S., thanks for the loan."
- It doesn't say that. Hmm.
- Right there.
Joey, could you get a picture of the
queen for me? It's for my collection.
When did you start collecting
pictures of the queen?
As soon as you push this button.
[JOEY CHUCKLES]
Well, I'll give it a sh*t. Wish me
luck. I'm off to meet the queen.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT]
Pip-pip. Cheerios. Cap'n Crunch.
Trix are for kids.
I'm cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.
Why do I feel like the
queen needs the luck?
Michelle. I think you
better feed Comet.
He was licking the TV
during an Alpo commercial.
Probably got that from Joey.
He does the same
thing during Baywatch.
Come on, Comet.
I'll get you dinner.
We can watch it
make its own gravy.
Oh, hey. A present for me.
Oh, it's empty. Here,
Aunt Becky, it's for you.
Dad. I found this
in Comet's dish.
I think someone
sent him a letter.
It's all smuzzed and
chewed-up. Um...
"Getting married...
Reno...
Nelson...
Love, D.J."
It can't be.
Yeah, I know. Why would
Janet Reno marry Willie Nelson?
Well, that's one explanation.
But it sounds to me like D.J.
went to Reno to marry Nelson.
That makes even less
sense than what I just said.
Yeah. Yeah, Danny, that
doesn't make any sense at all.
I wouldn't worry if I were you.
You don't think she
took us seriously, do you?
- What? What seriously? What?
- Oh, nothing.
- What?
- Nothing.
- What?
- Hey, I just told her...
she had a plethora of
opportunities out there.
She's the one who
told her to marry Nelson.
Well, who knew that after 13 years
of not listening to me, she'd start now?
I knew D.J. was upset about Stanford,
but running off and getting married?
Well, that explains this empty jewelry
box. It was for an engagement ring.
Oooh. I wonder how many karats.
I mean, this is terrible.
Guys, this is some
kind of joke, right?
Oh, come on. She's probably
right outside that door...
and she's gonna pop her
head in and yell, "Gotcha."
Honey, I know you're out there.
Okay. Come on in.
[CHUCKLES] Joke's
over, little Miss High-Jinks.
- Should we take your car or mine?
- Yours.
They say you shouldn't drive
during a nervous breakdown.
- Mm. Shepherd's pie, Yorkshire pudding.
- Mm-hm.
My guess is, you people
just don't like dogs. Ha-ha-ha.
[IN BRITISH ACCENT] Well, I
wonder where Cousin Nelson is.
I'd like to thank him
for bringing us together.
They probably got wind
of the bow-wow buffet...
and stopped off and
got a burrito. Ha-ha-ha.
Well, shall we?
Oh, look. There's one of those
Buckingham Palace guards.
I heard you can do anything,
and they never move.
Let's not do anything to
embarrass ourselves, or our dates.
Oh, this'll be fun. Here, watch.
[IMITATING DAFFY
DUCK] Suffering succotash.
You, sir, are inscrutable.
[NORMAL VOICE] Oh,
you guys are amazing.
Nothing gets to these guys.
MAN: Her Majesty, the queen.
- Joey. Her Majesty's coming.
- Oh.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[BLOWING]
Nice to meet you. Oops. I'm sorry.
I wasn't supposed to talk, was I?
[CHUCKLES] I'm just so nervous.
Did you kick me in the butt? No.
Couldn't have been you. You'd
have someone else do it. A nobleman...
like Lord
Kick-Me-in-the-Butt. Heh.
I'm sorry. Oh.
You know, if you put a little Velcro around
your wrist, that won't happen anymore.
Nice to meet you.
Oh, my gosh. I forgot
Michelle's picture.
Your Majesty, wait. All right,
nobody move, nobody move, okay.
Just freeze, everyone. I just
wanna get one sh*t, all right?
MAN: Get him!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
I can get double prints
of that if you guys like.
[ORGAN PLAYING]
And as you promise to "Klingon" to
each other for the rest of your life...
I now pronounce you
captain and Vulcan.
Kimmy, all I'm saying is,
think about what you're doing.
I am thinking about it.
And I think the Star
Trek wedding looks nice.
Live long...
and pay the cashier
on your way out.
How about Friday the 13th?
I bet not many
people do that one.
Sounds like a safe bet.
- What do you think, Duane?
- Whatever.
Kimmy.
If you don't get on that plane
with me, you're gonna regret it.
Maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow...
but the day after that,
you're gonna be miserable.
I'm going through with this,
Deej. I'm tired of being a loser.
Maybe if I marry
Duane, I'll be a winner.
So either go home, or stay
here and be my victim of honor.
All right. Let's get ready for the
most romantic day of your life. Heh.
Friday the 13th.
Excellent choice.
Kimmy, you look so beautiful.
I'm gonna cry.
Shall we begin?
[PLAYING MACABRE TUNE]
[WHIRRING]
Dearly departed, we
are gathered here to...
Hey, hey, hey!
k*ll the chain saw. The
fumes are gonna make me hurl.
I paid 29.95 for this wedding,
and I want it to be special.
[WHIRRING STOPS]
MAN: Sorry.
Dearly departed, we are gathered
here to bring together these...
[DOOR OPENS]
Here they are. Okay,
stop this wedding.
Or call 911.
Uh... Thank God we found you.
I can't believe you're doing this.
- Why would you wanna get married?
- I'm not getting married, Kimmy is.
BOTH: Kimmy?
Oh, well then, by
all means, continue.
I think this is the
bride's side here.
Didn't you guys read my note?
Yeah, we did, but after
Comet slobbered all over it...
it kind of lost something
in the translation.
Hey. I'm trying to
get married here.
Guys, Kimmy is
throwing her life away.
Can't you talk to her?
She won't listen to me.
You want us to talk to Kimmy? I spent
the last eight years trying to avoid her.
- I don't know what I'd say to her.
- Well, what were you gonna say to me?
Well, I did write down some notes
on the airplane on this airsick bag.
Great.
Kimmy. Before you do this, just
listen to my dad and Uncle Jesse.
Okay. But make it quick. I'm
getting a splitting headache.
All right. I'll tell you what I was
gonna tell D.J. Just have a seat.
We'll put in a few little
modifications to... you know.
Okay.
This thing's not on, is it?
All right. Okay.
You're making a
terrible mistake, D.J.
He means Kimmy.
You know how much we love you.
We basically tolerate
you as best we can.
There's a whole world of
opportunity still open to you.
There's still a few chances
you haven't blown yet.
Guys, forget it. Let's face it.
I've got nothing going
for me but plunger boy.
Love you, sweetheart.
Heh. Whatever.
This isn't working.
Kimmy, what we're trying to
say here is that we... We... We...
We care about you.
Really? You do?
- I can't believe what I'm hearing.
- I can't believe what I'm saying.
[SIGHS]
Listen, the point is
that we don't want you
to do something you're
gonna regret, okay?
Now, look inside your heart.
Now, if you really, really...
deep down inside
love this Duane guy...
then I say, what the heck.
I say, start up the chain
saw and get married.
Don't do it because you're
trying to run from your problems...
or you're looking
for the safe way out.
Or you just wanna make sure you
have a plumber at 3 in the morning.
Wait a minute. I'm
starting to get the idea...
that you guys don't
think I should get married.
Kimmy, let's do this
without the hatchet.
You know this
wedding is a bad idea.
Yeah, I know.
You guys are right.
I guess I do have other options.
I just can't think
of any right now.
Kimmy, you can go to summer
school and get your grades up.
And go to a community college.
Yeah, but, Deej...
it still won't be the
same without you.
I'm really gonna miss you.
Who am I gonna hang out with?
Talk to about boys?
Copy my homework from?
Kimmy, no matter where we
are, we're always gonna be friends.
Nothing's ever
gonna change that.
You're right. Thanks, Deej.
And you guys will always
be a part of my life too.
Oh, goody.
Now I can die happy.
But how am I gonna break it
to Duane? He'll be heartbroken.
Oh, let me take
care of this one.
Oh, Duane. Duane.
Listen, Duane. I
don't know how to...
I don't know how to
break this to you, but...
the wedding's off, kid.
Whatever.
You're actually taking it
a lot harder than I thought.
You'll get over it, Duane.