01x07 - What If… Thor Were an Only Child?

Episode transcripts for the TV show "What If...?". Aired: August 11, 2021 to present.*
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Reimagining famous events from the films in the MC Universe.
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01x07 - What If… Thor Were an Only Child?

Post by bunniefuu »

WATCHER: Time.

Space.

Reality.

It's more than a linear path.

It's a prism of endless possibility,

where a single choice can branch
out into infinite realities,


creating alternate worlds
from the ones you know.


I am the Watcher.

I am your guide through
these vast new realities.


Follow me and ponder the question...

"What if?"

DARCY: For the win. This is it.

(CLINKING)

And this is it, for the win.

(CLINKING)

For the win. This is it.

For the...

Yes! First try. Jane,
you owe me ... (GASPS)

- (COMPUTER BEEPING)
- Uh... Oh! Uh...

Uh, Jane, Jane, Jane!

It's beeping! It's doing the beeping!

(GASPS)

I need to talk to the
director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

Because, if my data is correct,

I believe an alien
invasion is imminent and...

- (DIAL TONE)
- Hello?

(RUMBLING)

Two years ago, the same
anomaly struck Star Alpha Icarus

and the entire star dimmed
and then, poof, disintegrated.

(MAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Yes, I know this is
the Parks Department,

but isn't there something you can do?

Talking about the end
of the world, my dude.

(BEEPING RAPIDLY)

They're here.

We're too late. The invasion has begun.

- Holy moly!
- WOMAN: Oh!

(ALL GASP)

(RUMBLING)

MAN: Citizens of Midgard...

(ALL GASP)

...your dull lives are
about to come to an end.

- (ALL GASPING)
- Prepare yourselves...

for the party prince!

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

- This is gonna be awesome. Whoo!
- (ALL CHEERING)

WATCHER: More than battles won or lost,

it's relationships that
truly define a hero.

The people who shape
them, their stories.

Thor and Loki, a brotherhood
so strong and pivotal,


it would change the fate of a universe.

Their childhood taught Thor many lessons.

But in another universe,

instead of raising the Jotunheim
prince, Loki, as his own son,


Odin returned him to his people.

Without his trickster brother to
keep things, let's say, lively,


Thor grew into a very different prince.

FRIGGA: Rest, my love.

Allow the Odinsleep to
restore your body and soul.

(VOCALIZING)

(SIGHS)

He's asleep. And, uh...

I'm off to my sister's
to celebrate the solstice.

Now, this is your first
taste of kinghood, my prince.

I expect you to study,

read up on the Nine Realms
that you will one day rule.

Of course, Mother.

- No parties.
- Of course, Mother.

FRIGGA: Remember,
Heimdall will be watching.

Wait, what? You can't be serious.

Behave.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, Heimdall, there you are.

Just off to study. Books won't
read themselves. (CHUCKLES)

HOGUN: But your mother said...

Don't be such a wet blanket, Hogun.

Oh, guys, stop. My father has
ruled Asgard for centuries.

And, look, the most interesting thing
that he's ever done is fall asleep.

He only cares about duty and
blah-blah-blah-blah responsibility.

Well, I'm not gonna be like him,
right? The boring king? Uh-uh.

But Heimdall sees all. If we
try anything, he'll call Frigga.

Oh, ye of little faith.

We are going to the most backward,

backwater planet that not even
Heimdall pays attention to.

Alert the realms.

- (GROANS) Party on Midgard!
- (MUG SHATTERS)

VOLSTAGG: Yes! (CHUCKLES)

ALL: Huzzah!

To Thor, the party prince!

- Welcome! Welcome, friends.
- (ALL CHANTING) Party prince!

Enjoy the night.

Thunder hug.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES) Here, have a
drink. It never runs out.

You try to drink it all, but you
can't because it's magic! Huzzah!

(CROWD CHANTING) Huzzah!
Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor! Thor!

Hollywood movies did
not prepare me for this.

Shouldn't there be more
lasers? Probing? A flying cow?

According to my data,

the first extraterrestrial
to arrive was...

- (THOR LAUGHING)
- JANE: Him?

(LAUGHING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Huh. I expected him to look more like...

Like what? E.T.? And less like a
hottie McScotty, beach body Ken,

old-school Abercrombie
catalog? I could go on. Let me.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

I'm gonna make first
contact with an alien.

First? I think half the
Strip b*at you to it.

You can make first contact with...

I don't know, that guy.
He looks like a loser.

Ha! Big talk coming from a brunette.

(SIGHS) I'm going. How do I look?

Completely unprepared
for whatever happens next.

Oh, do me, do me.

(CHUCKLES) Yes, you do
me. You do me, and you too.

Oh, you guys really get me. Yes?

Huh? Oh.

Oh, there you are,
all the way down there.

So tiny, I almost stood
on you. How are you?

I'm Dr. Jane Foster of Earth.

Yeah, Thor, Crown Prince of Asgard.

Uh, libations, crudité, baked goods?

Mmm. Topaz, what do I always say?

- I love cake.
- Mmm.

Wait, wait, wait. You're Thor? (CHUCKLES)

As in Thor, the Norse god of thunder?

I don't know anything about horse gods,

but I do know how to bring the thunder.

Uh... Okay, moving on.

Eighteen months ago,
Alpha Star Icarus d*ed.

The astronomaly that preceded it...

- ...happened again tonight.
- Don't drink too much.

- Or too little.
- Hey, thunder boy.

What I'm asking is, was that you?

Yes, Alpha Star. Now, that
was an excellent party.

You know, we lost
Fandral for three days.

Found him in a barn, curled
up next to a baby goat.

It was classic. Isn't
that right, Fandral?

I named him Gary.

- Yeah, you did.
- FANDRAL: Yeah, goats!

You k*lled a planet.

Oh, what is that light
box thing you've got there?

Oh, it's magic. I love magic. Did
you build this all by yourself?

Excuse me? I happen to be an
astrophysicist with multiple PhDs.

You know, it would take a whole team

of Asgardians to create such a thing.

You must be a genius. You
are a genius, aren't you?

(CHUCKLES) Well, I don't
know about genius, but...

- And your eyes...
- (GASPS)

Do all geniuses have
such deep, dark eyes?

It's like watching the birth of
two stars on the edge of the galaxy.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS THROAT)

Well, it's happy hour.
Want some half-price nachos?

Okay, fine, Duck. But
this is not a date.

HOWARD: Let's just
see where this evolves.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

- (MUSIC STOPS)
- CROWD: Huh?

Release the foam.

- (MUSIC CONTINUES)
- (CROWD CHEERING)

- Blow on these.
- (BLOWS)

Momma needs a brand-new eye.

(ALL CHEERING)

(LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY)

(SCREAMING)

(LAUGHS) Volstagg has crashed!

I now pronounce you Darcy and the Duck.

(VOCALIZES) Uh-huh

(BOTH CHUCKLING)

(PEACEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SNORING)

(CHUCKLES)

(COUGHS)

(VOLSTAGG SNORING)

(SNORING)

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- JANE: Ah.

Ah, phone.

- (PHONE RINGING)
- (JANE GROANS)

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- (PHONE RINGING)

(GROANS)

Ah, phone... Phone! Oh, shut up!

- (CELL PHONE VIBRATING)
- (PHONE RINGING)

- (KNOCKING AT DOOR)
- (YELPS)

MAN: Dr. Jane Foster?

JANE: (GROANS SOFTLY)
Coming. I'm coming.

Dr. Jane Foster!

(GROANS) Hold on.

RUMLOW: Dr. Jane Foster,
this is S.H.I.E.L.D.

(SNORING)

If you do not answer, we will...

Yes?

We have her, ma'am.

Maria Hill, Acting
Director of S.H.I.E.L.D.

- You need to come with us.
- Uh...

Can this wait until
after breakfast? 'Cause...

You were the first to warn us
about this extraterrestrial thr*at.

Now I hope you will be
the key to eliminating it.

"thr*at"? Would you call
him a thr*at, really?

Do you wanna know why I am the
Acting Director, Dr. Foster?

GUARDS: Nope.

Hey, Spicoli. This might be your
party, but this isn't your planet.

Before someone gets hurt, I need...

Ball cannons!

(CROWD GASPS)

Oh!

- Is he okay?
- He's still unconscious.

(THOR GRUNTS, YAWNS)

We getting food?

Do you have company, Dr. Foster?

- Uh... A friend.
- (THOR CHUCKLES)

Guys, guys, look. There's a
cute little rabbit in the sink.

Oh, look at this little
rabbit. It's gorgeous.

He's... a zoologist. I'll call you, okay?

JANE: I told you everything.

I followed the anomaly's
origin to Vegas.

And then what did you do?

(CHUCKLES) Um... Uh...

Director, the party atmosphere
seems to be spreading.

(COMPUTER BEEPING)

COULSON: Canada, Mongolia,
even Pennsylvania Dutch country.

Led by the main
instigator, Thor of Asgard,

who's now taken to the skies.

What? (SCOFFS) He left?

Did he... Did he even leave a note at...

I mean, did... Did he
say where he was going?

- Smooth.
- Thanks.

- Sarcasm.
- HILL: Paris.

One of his compatriots was, and
I quote, "jonesing for crêpes."

RUMLOW: Ma'am...

the last resort has arrived.

Whoa, whoa. "Last
resort" sounds very final.

This is Earth's first
encounter with alien life.

How we respond today will set
the tone for diplomatic relations

between our worlds for generations.

(LAUGHS) "Diplomatic relations"? Is
that what the kids are calling it?

You're wrong, Doctor.

This isn't S.H.I.E.L.D.'s
first alien rodeo.

A beeper? My dad has
one! He's a podiatrist.

Wait, are you guys calling a podiatrist?

(BEEPS)

It's done.

Is it happening? Did it
happen? What'd I miss?

All right, here we go. Nestle on in.

- Everyone say "waffles." I love that word.
- Cheese. (GIGGLING)

Waffles with maple syrup
and whipped cream on top.

- (FANDRAL) Thor!
- (SIF) Thor!

(PANTING) He came! He's here!

Oi! Where's that son of
a witch, Thor Odinson?

What did you say?

Fandral, tell me, is that butt-ugly
popsicle stick talking to me?

(ALL GASP)

(GROWLS)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

- Bring it on in.
- I can't believe you came!

Loki, you are the absolute best!

You're my brother from another
mother, man. I mean that.

- I mean it.
- Brothers forever.

(SINGS) Brothers forever!

Forever! (CHUCKLES)

(FAINT BOOM)

Wait, what's that boom? Did you boom?

No, I didn't boom. Did
you boom? You always boom.

- I never boom. I only boom in private.
- (FAINT BOOM)

Oh, oh, oh. Loki, look, it's a
sh**ting star. Make a wish, quick!

Yes, yes, a sh**ting star.
Yes, okay. I wish... I wish...

I wish, I wish, I wish... I wish...

- Uh... I've got it!
- What is it? Tell me.

I couldn't possibly tell
you. It'll ruin the magic.

Oh.

Hey, Whitesnake. We need to chat.

The name is Thor, with a "T"
and an "R" and an "O" and a "H."

But not in that order.

- Quite some party you're throwing.
- THOR: Isn't it the best?

I mean, I'd hoped the
Ice Bros would show,

but Loki himself? Prince Loki?

Are you kidding? I wouldn't
miss this for the world.

Listen, bud, clean up this
mess and leave this planet.

What? No, I like it
here. Everyone likes me.

We're having a great
time... till you showed up.

Party's over, pal.

Mmm. Yeah, maybe here's a thought.
Uh, how about you just buzz off?

(GROANS)

Oh!

- (ALL EXCLAIMING)
- (LAUGHING)

I wasn't asking, hotshot.

(GROANS)

You know, there's a Midgardian
word for women like you.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Party pooper.

(CHUCKLES) There. I said it.

(SIGHS) Okay, this one's for Fury.

(GROANS)

Now, for the rest of you...

(GROANS)

(LAUGHS) Have at you!

Smooth move, bro. You just... (GROANS)

Hammerang. Get it?

Look, pal, I'm gonna count to three

and you're gonna put the hammer down.

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, here we go. Here we go.

Hey, what did I tell you? Knock it off.

- (CAPTAIN MARVEL YELLS)
- (ALL GASP)

(YELLING)

(GRUNTS)

(GRUNTS)

- (SIGHS)
- Whoa.

Hey, quit it. These are...

I don't know what these are. No one
does. But... No! I said no! Stop.

Oh, but I just have to do a little boop.

Oh, no, your weird rocks
have all fallen over.

Boo-hoo-hoo-hoo.

(GROANS)

Ow!

(GROANING)

(GRUNTS, PANTS)

Party foul.

(MUTTERING)

Be right with you. Just one second.

Ah, there it is. Whoo! Let's do this.

(YELLING)

(GRUNTING)

(YELPS)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

(CHUCKLES, GROANS)

(GRUNTS)

(GASPS, GRUNTS)

(GASPS)

(GROANS)

(PANTING) You know, I'm starting to...

Ow! Not the hair! (SCREAMING)

(CHUCKLES, GRUNTS)

(LAUGHS) Have at you! (GROANS)

(SOFT TROPICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(FAINT RUMBLING)

- (GROANS)
- (THOR SIGHS)

You know what you need?

A stiff drink and two weeks in Hawaii?

THOR: A time-out.

My mother punished me with time-outs all

the time, but I never learned a thing.

But maybe they'll work on you
because you're a party pooper.

Hey, look, everyone! A party pooper.

(ALL CHANTING) Pooper! Pooper! Pooper!

(CHANTING CONTINUES)

Fury said you were the best.

That your punch was equal
to ten nuclear bombs.

That your cat could devour whole armies.

(GASPS) You've got a
cat? What's its name?

- Goose.
- Oh, Top g*n! You're Maverick!

Is your ego writing checks
that your skills can't cash?

- No.
- HILL: Yes.

- Who are you?
- Darcy. Big fan. (CHUCKLES)

By the way, totally thought you
were gonna be a dude captain.

But look at you, all not.

If I exert my full powers, I
blow a crater in this planet.

Taking down Kappa Kappa frat freak
won't be worth the fatalities.

Ooh. What about South Dakota?

- (CELL PHONE RINGING)
- Or North Dakota?

- Uh... I need to get this.
- (PHONE BEEPS)

So, uh, do you need an
intern? Cat wrangler?

Darcy, right now, you're
running at an eight,

and I need you to
take it down to a four.

- Okay?
- (CLICKS TONGUE)

- Hello?
- THOR: Jane!

- Hey!
- When can I see you again?

You're the nicest, prettiest
Midgardian woman I've ever met.

How many Earth women have you met?

Uh, two. But the other
one hit me with a bridge

and, well, that hurt more than my face.

(LAUGHS)

Thor, be honest with me.

At your last party on Alpha Star,
did you really destroy that planet?

No, no, it was more of a
meteor anyway, not a planet.

And it was burning apart, so we
just kinda helped it along and...

So no one got hurt?

- Of course not.
- HILL: Dr. Foster?

Even the baby goat,
Gary, got home safely.

- Eventually.
- HILL: Dr. Foster.

Uh, I gotta go. Love you. Oh.

I mean, bye.

- (PHONE BEEPS)
- (SIGHS)

What were we talking about?

Look, all I'm saying is,

no one would notice if
you blew up a Dakota.

Honestly, I can't tell them apart.


South Dakota is on the bottom.

HILL: It's not a bad idea.

The Mojave Desert
could withstand the hit.

Lure him to Siberia and
then go kaboom on his ass.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

You're not serious. We're
not gonna kaboom him.

We're talking about
the fate of the planet.

He's a lughead, sure, and far from
the brightest crayon in the box.

But this plan is way over the
top, and I refuse to let it happen.

Thank you for your
expertise, Dr. Foster,

but your assistance
is no longer required.

- (DOOR SLAMS)
- (TIRES SCREECH)

Damn! There goes my internship
with the Galactic Queen Bee.

Well, look who came
waddling back. Mrs. the Duck.

- Not now, Howard!
- Hello, Thor?

- LOKI: Who's this?
- It's Jane. Can you hear me?

Wait. Is this the girl?
Thor's new sweet lady? Hello.

Is Thor there?

(MOANS) Late-night Chinese
is the best. Oh, I love food.

Loki, get your blue butt over here.
You have to try these dumplings.

Hey, Earth girl. You haven't
got a friend, have you?

You know, we could
double date. (KISSING)

Ugh! Will you just put him on the phone?

Oh, don't get your knickers in
a twist. He's right here... Oh!

Oh. Right.

Hello? Loki?

- (GROANS)
- Hey, hey. Watch the feathers.

- Too bad we can't call his mom.
- What?

That's what always happens.

Teenagers throw a party,
it gets out of control...

- Oh, you really are a genius.
- Whoa.

It's really starting to look
that way, isn't it? What'd I say?

If there's a Thor and a Loki,

then there must be an Odin
and a Frigga and a Heimdall!

Uh, he-man-who-now?

(ALL LAUGHING)

(ALL GROANING)

You know, I've got a crown too,

and we both like fire, right? (CHUCKLES)

Come on. Let's see you turn
up the heat on this thing.

(GASPS) Uh... Ooh, look at the time.

(ALL CHEERING)

How low can I go? (CHUCKLES, GASPS)

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Everyone! Watch me slide
down that pointy thing.

(ALL CHEERING)

And away!

Whoo!

(GROANS)

(SCREAMING)

(ALL GASPING)

(GROANING)

This one goes here. Green in the
thing. Okay, sweet. Good to go.

Selvig, thank you.

Re-aligning the satellites,
magnifying the signal.

Heimdall!

- (SIGHS) It's not working.
- Okay, okay. My turn. I got this.

Would the owner of
the navy blue Prius...

(GROANING)

Hi. So, uh, about Thor...

(THOR GROANING)

Not cool. I actually felt that one.

- We're in position.
- Arm the nukes.

What? But I thought she was the nuke.

Just in case she gets
distracted by a cat.

Uh... Hello, Mrs. Odinwife?

Uh, is that Chardonnay?

A varietal, yes. Can I help you?

Why do you insist on crushing my mellow?

Huh? Loosen up. Have
fun. Smile a little.

Ready to fire on your command.

Fire in five...

I gave you a warning. Hell,
I gave you a warning punch.

- HILL: Four.
- It's Thor. He's in trouble.

- HILL: Three.
- He's on Earth.

HILL: Two.

- What about Captain Marvel?
- She'll be fine.

One.

(THOR GRUNTING)

Thor, Crown Prince of Asgard, only
son of Odin, what are you doing?

- Mother!
- Mother?

ALL: Mother?

What are you doing here?

You must be using a lot of dark
magic just to check in on me.

Ugh, I had a visitor.
She's worried about you.

Wha... Jane sold me out?

She said you were on Midgard.

Well, she is mistaken.

I'm obviously in my room, studying.

(ROARS)

- (LAUGHS)
- Do not tell falsehoods to your mother.

Oh, you mean Earth.
Sorry, I misunderstood.

The locals call it
that. Yes, right. Sorry.

Confused there for a moment.

Me and my study group came down
here for a cultural exchange.

"Cultural exchange."

You know us. We're
warriors for knowledge.

Hmm. Really? Then this
I have to see for myself.

I'm cutting my trip short.

(STUTTERS) You're coming here?

And, my sweet son, I expect to see
your full syllabus when I arrive.

Now or never, Hill.

Stand down. We're done here.

(GROANS) We never get to fire the nukes.

I almost feel bad for you, Blondie.

Please, you must help
me. My mother is coming.

My suggestion? Start in the
corners, clean your way outward.

Corners, corners...

But it's a sphere.

Ugh. Excuse me, ladies. I'm sorry,
but I must leave early. Again.

Loki, my brother. I
require your assistance.

Ah, one step ahead of you, Tiny Thunder.

My bro's trying this thing in
St. Louis. Saint... Is it "Louie"?

Anyway, we're about to make

- this universe's greatest slingshot.
- (GASPS)

FRIGGA: Try to enjoy the
rest of your time here.

See you in another
thousand years. Heimdall.

No more slingshots. No more destruction.

We need to clean this
mess up and go home.

(DRAX RETCHING)

Ugh! Now!

Ha! (CHUCKLES) Nice
one. Almost fell for it.

I'm not joking. My mother is coming.

Hmm.

But she's not my mother.

You know, I'm your brother
from another mother, remember?

(WHISTLES) Come on, Ice Bros, let's go.

Wait. You can't leave.
Look at this place.

We have a duty to this planet.
You need to clean it up.

"Duty, clean"? Ugh, you sound like Odin.

What?

Ice Men, let's bounce.

All right, listen, party's over.

You don't have to go
home, but you can't stay.

Wait, where you going? Come back.

No, no, no, no, no.

You do have to stay here,
and we need to clean up.

Look who's pooping the party now.

It is you! You are pooping the party.

- (BOOING)
- Where you going? Come back!

Let's go, Topaz. We
shall ride like the wind.

- Please! Wait.
- Loser.

And we're keeping the scoot-scoots.

Guys, please. Help,
I... You. How about you?

Uh... I think I hear my
dad calling. Good luck.

(WAILS)

(STUTTERS) People. Beings. Please,
everyone, you must stay and help.

(SOBS)

(EXHALES)

Allfather, give me strength.

(ECHOING) You will listen to me.

(ALL GASP)

My mother is coming.

- ALL: Frigga?
- And she is not happy.

Like, at all.

She's really mad.

Yeah, baby.

(GRUNTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Thor.

Oh, hello, Mother. Good to see
you. Welcome to our study group.

(GASPS) Uh...

(CHUCKLES) Everyone say hello to Mother.

ALL: Hello, Mother Frigga.

And to end our studies,
what do we always say, class?

ALL: Learning is magic.

See? I told you I was on an
educational and cultural exchange.

Did you know that Midgard is
the birthplace of the Snuggie?

Mother, you doubt?

But look at all this learning, huh?

Thor, here's the information you
requested on human civilizations.

And I loaded a few documentaries,
PBS specials, NPR podcasts.

I'll call you next week to discuss it.

So tiny yet contains
so, so much. Thank you.

You must be Frigga. I'm Captain Marvel.

I know who you are. Thank you
for helping educate my son.

- Let's go, darling.
- Wait.

(CHUCKLES) Almost forgot.

(YELPS) Uh...

Mother, I can explain.

(SIGHS)

(THUDS)

- Hi.
- Thanks.

You called my mother on me.

That wasn't a cool thing to do,

but it was the right
thing. So, thank you.

You're welcome.

(CHUCKLES) I'll call you? Cools?

No, it is not "cools."

No?

But I thought we had something.
(STUTTERS) I really like you, Jane.

And not just because you're a genius.

You're also very attractive and...

Well, then, ask me out on a date.

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Jane Foster, it would be my
honor to take you on a date.

Before you answer, let me say that I

know a whole planet full of unicorns.

Even the waiters are unicorns...

- It's wonderful.
- Sounds delightful. Pick me up at : ?

WATCHER: A world
restored, love blossoming.

As children, both human
and Asgardian, say,

together, they lived happily ever after.

Wait, what?

Huh?

WATCHER: Oh, dear.
Perhaps I spoke too soon.
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