05x08 - Episode 8

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Rosehaven". Aired: October 2016 to present.
"Rosehaven" follows two friends, who return to their Tasmanian hometown to help run a family real estate business.
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05x08 - Episode 8

Post by bunniefuu »

BARBARA: Death is a powerful reminder

to be present in the moment,

to put aside our differences

as we are united in grief,

to feel gratitude for the
time we get to share...

I love this so much!

- Oh, God.

- Why aren't you crying?
- Hmm?

Oh, I'm so overwhelmed with grief,
the tears aren't coming.

Please stop texting at my funeral.

Emma, what did I say to you
before we started doing this?

If I'm not quiet,
I won't have to pretend to be d*ad?

- BARBARA: That's right.
- OK.

Emma Dawes was someone who truly lived.

She approached her work
with passion and enthusiasm.

- What?

You arrived minutes late this morning.

She said passionate, not punctual.

- I'm done.
- No! Sorry.

I'll be quiet. You have to do
this for your celebrant's license.

Yeah, the funeral course is optional.

I'll be a good corpse.

- Where are you going?
- Hmm? Back to work.

- Someone has to finish my eulogy.
- I'm good, thanks, mate.



- Lie down.


... Emma Dawes was one of a kind,

a fashion icon...

- Sorry, mate.

Hello. Daniel McCallum,
of McCallum Real Estate.

- Turn your phone off!
- Sorry, I'm at a funeral.

Oh, no, no, a fake funeral for my friend.
She's fine.

Yeah, pm is perfect. OK. See you then.

- Mate, I've gotta get back to work.
- Fine. I'm having a nap.

Turn the lights off!

SONG: ♪ Yeah, we know ♪

♪ Even if we had so far to go ♪

♪ Even if the pace is slow ♪

♪ Well,
I'll be coming home to you again ♪

♪ If we find ♪

♪ Something to feel that we belong ♪

♪ If we can right all the wrongs ♪

♪ Well, I'll be coming home to you again.

It's just so weird seeing Mum
in normal clothes at work.

EMMA: I know.

Ooh! We're bosses now.
Why don't we have casual Fridays?

Or casual any day?

You wear jeans and
cardigans to work every day.

How much more casual can you get?

Oh, I can get more casual.

I don't know what I thought she'd be like,

but retirement Barbara is pretty
much the same as regular Barbara

but with different activities.

Greg asked her how she was
finding retirement the other day

and she said, "Crushing it."

Did she?

You two doing anything tomorrow afternoon?

We're free.

Don't answer until you know what she wants.

I need you to help me
record a wedding video.

You're really serious about
becoming a marriage celebrant?

Why not? Make good money.

Well, it's just,
you're not the most romantic person I know.

Exactly. Most weddings go for too
long and are way over-the-top.

Lot of people, like me, just want to
get married and be home for lunch.

EMMA: Fair enough.

I mean, I love love,
but sometimes it's, like,

"Let's move this thing along," you know.

Even at my own wedding, I was a bit,
"Come on. Let's get to the buffet."

Yeah, but isn't the point of
retirement to stop working?


I always appreciate your insights.

When do you get your license?

After I submit a video of
me conducting a wedding

to prove I know what I'm doing.

It's stupid if you ask me,
but it's part of the course.

So, are you both free or what?

Uh, to play pretends with you?


- Can we make up our own characters?

- Sure.
- Awesome.

I'm Ruth Chilaylee,
and Daniel is Rodney Spatchcock,

and he's marrying me for my money.

What happened to MY money?

You spent it all on a failed rodeo
business called Spatchcock'n'Bulls.

I'm gonna come up with my own character.

You'd better make it good,
'cause Ruth has a lot of other offers.

No way you could accidentally
marry us for real, is there?

- Of course not.
- It's like a play.

Still feels weird, though,
marrying your friend.

Even weirder than having a fake funeral.

You'd rather I was d*ad than to marry me?

How dare you, Rodney? I want a divorce!

- (SOBS)
- We're not married yet.

Could someone else do it?

Anyone could, but you're closest.

Four o'clock tomorrow.

Where are we going?
Don't you want to get lunch?

Yeah, we're just gonna
duck into the op shop first

to get our wedding outfits.

Why can't I just wear this?

Because getting dressed up is fun,
and I refuse to marry someone

who doesn't take our
fake wedding seriously.

Ruth deserves better than that.



Hi, guys.

I've just got in some great
old paintings of sad dogs

if you're interested.

One of them is wearing a hat.

Ooh. Not today, thanks.
Can you point us to your formal section?

- Mm, how formal?
- I need a wedding dress.

Oh, my God! Congratulations.

- Thank you.
- It's not real.

I know.
It must feel like a fantasy come true.

No, as in, it is pretends.

Barbara's becoming a celebrant
and she needs to practise,

and we need to look fabulous.

- Barbara? A wedding celebrant?
- Oh, yeah.

It takes a while to get
your head around it.

She's gonna be offering a no-nonsense
business wedding alternative.

Do you think she'd let me help?
I'd love to try wedding planning.

I've even offered friends,
but no-one wants to be your first.

This'd be a great practice.

Oh, it's just for a small
video she has to make.

- You can ask her.
- I will.

Now, m'lady, and m'gentleman,
may we advance to the formal sect-i-on?

Oh, it's just this way. (LAUGHS)

Entrez vous, my friends.

Now, what sort of dress were you thinking?

Hmm. The ones with stains are cheaper.

But the ones without
stains don't have stains.

Now, here's a nice one.

It's only bucks, and I'll even
throw in a portrait of a sad dog.

Um, do you have any wedding
dresses that are more...

... like jeans?

Uh, no.

Oh, if you go with jeans,
you should get a denim veil too.

I'm not gonna wear a veil.
I'm gonna do my make-up.

- Why would I cover that up?
- YOU should wear a veil.

- Why do I have to cover MY face?
- Because it's my big day.

About me and my face.

What about a clear plastic veil,

so you can see through it,
but it'll keep the flies off your make-up?

I don't want it to fog up when I breathe.

You found anything?


You should definitely wear that.

It doesn't smell great.

It keeps the flies off your face, though.

- EMMA: Is it stuck?
- No.

DANIEL: I'd like a curry mushroom pie

and to borrow a spatula and
some dishwashing liquid, please.



Veggie pastie, please.

- We need them back.
- Sure.

- Hey, Greg.

Emma! (LAUGHS) Gez tells me
congratulations are in order.

- Thank you!
- Mmm.

- What for?
- You and Daniel getting married.

- I had no idea you were engaged!

I knew it.
It's about time you two got together.

You owe me $ .

- MIKAYLA: We never shook.
- What?!

- (SIGHS) I got it.
- GREG: Daniel!

- Congratulations!
- Oh, thanks, Greg.

I didn't even need the spatula
once I poured in the detergent.

No! On your wedding, you rascal.

I think Gez has made some calls.

About time you two stopped pretending to be
'just friends'.

- We're not pretending.
- Is it 'cause she's pregnant?

I've noticed you've been eating more.

OK, we need to shut this down right now.

Yes, we are getting married,
but it's not real. We're not in love.

- Is it for a visa?
- DANIEL: No, it's fake.

Mum's becoming a marriage celebrant

and she needs to
practise on us, that's all.

- Oh, my goodness. Greg?
- Yes?

Not that I support these kind
of antiquated traditions,

but it's just pretend, and...
would you like to walk me down the aisle?

Feels a bit unnecessary.

- I'd be honoured.

- Yay!

- This is all happening so fast.

- EMMA: Oh!

- Ugh.

Ah. Here's the lovebirds.

Heard you got your head stuck in a helmet.

Temporarily. Gez, how many people
have you told about the ceremony?

A few. Barbara's letting me help.

Turns out I gotta have
guests and a bridal party

and all that stuff I
don't want to deal with.

So, if Gez is happy to organise it,
she can knock herself out.

Very happy to.

And I got a great deal on petals.

- Look at all this stuff!
- GEZ: Oh, it's just some ideas.

Yeah, you haven't been telling people

we're getting married for real, have you?

GEZ: No.

I said you were getting married.
I didn't say for real.

- But you didn't say not for real?

I've been busy planning YOUR wedding.
Give me a break.

He's turning into a real groomzilla.

Tell me about it.

Oh! You can't see me the
night before the wedding!

Are you gonna do that every
time I walk into the room?


You don't think it's all
getting a bit too complicated?

I'll admit, things have escalated a bit,
but it's fine.

I mean, on Monday, did I imagine today

I would be trying to
choose a maid of honour?

If I'm honest, no.

Can we use brooms as
stand-ins or something?

- We can draw faces on them.
- No.

And I was thinking maybe I
don't want a maid of honour.

Maybe I want a best man.

- Is that allowed?
- Why not?

I mean, we're already doing the
traditional gender roles thing

being bride and groom.

I guess if I was getting for-real married,
you'd be my best whatever.

Right? And you WERE
mine at my real wedding.

Anyway, I found a website
to help us choose. You first.

"The ultimate guide to choosing
your best man and maid of honour,"

when it can't be your best friend.

- Or your mum.
- Copy. OK.

"Imagine yourself having a
freak-out on the big day."

A real possibility.

"Who would you want there to support you?

"Who is someone most likely to say
the right words to calm your fears?"

"Ultimately, this person is a confidant"

"and someone you trust to have your back."


- Grace?
- She's all those things.

I don't know if anyone's
needed to say this,

but is it weird asking your ex-girlfriend

to be your maid of honour
at your fake wedding?

It probably is.

Maybe it's a compliment.

- Let's do you.
- No need.

I'm gonna ask Damien.

So, both of our exes are
gonna be at our fake wedding?

- Looks like it.
- Great.

Would you ever get back
together with Damien?

Oh, no. We're terrible in a relationship.

But you'd...

... hook up with him again?

Have you been hooking up with him?

- Not much.
- Oh, mate, why didn't you tell me?

Well, 'cause it's not often,
and I figured you'd over-analyse it

and ask me a bunch of questions.

Well, yeah. I mean,
isn't it... complicated?

Not really.

It doesn't make things weird between you?

- Doesn't seem to.
- So, you just...

Look, we don't have to ask Damien or Grace.

Whatever you're comfortable with.

No, it's already gonna be weird.
Might as well go all-in.

Yes! There is the man I'm gonna fake-marry.

I'm gonna get a biscuit. Do you want one?


Oh, mate, what sort of biscuit do you...

Oh! You can't see me the
night before the wedding!


- Hi.
- Hi!

- Thanks for doing this.
- Oh, no problem.

- It's not too weird, is it?
- No. No. It'll be fun.

The only thing I had
planned for this weekend

was watching a live stream of a
falcon and her babies in a nest

on top of a building.

- Sounds like time well spent to me.
- Grace!

Oh! Hi!
Congratulations on your big fake day.

Real thank you.

I mean, what a great excuse for you,
me, Damien

and that other guy to hang out.

- Mimosa?
- Uh, yes, please.

EMMA: I've also put together a playlist.

- It's mainly Salt-N-Pepa.
- Oh! Sounds good.

Yeah, I was just happy to be invited,
you know,

even though I didn't understand
what was happening at first.

You know,
I'm still not entirely sure, but...

... it's fun to do activities.

Alright, team. Uh, I've printed out
Barbara's instructions for today.

No-one needs to be nervous.
Barbara is the one being judged.

Oh. Do you want to write our own vows?

Is that on the instruction list?


- Fine.
- Great.

So, we have to text Barbara our
character names before the ceremony,

and she also wants all of us
to come up with backstories.

- Can I see the instructions?
- No. So, let's go round the group.

And we'll say our character
and our backstory.

I'll go first.

I am Sophia Strider.

- What happened to Ruth Chilaylee?
- Oh, you don't want to know.

Sophia is the best detective on the force

who fell in love with the mob
boss she was investigating

and ultimately put on
the straight and narrow.

Well, hang on.
You just wrote my character, too.

Oh, um... but...

... that mob boss still
ended up going to jail,

and now she's marrying
whoever this dude is, go.

OK - well, I was thinking a climate
scientist called Wayne Stormwind,

who learns so much about
how the weather works,

he's able to control it.

Well, that'll be handy,
given the wedding's outside.

- Yes.
- EMMA: What about you, Grace?

OK - um...

... I'm Tabitha Leonie Spoon,

but people call me Tab L. Spoon.

Oh! (LAUGHS) I love it.
But she's really sensitive about it.

Oh, sorry.

She's a deep-sea diver
who's determined to uncover

the mysteries of the ocean.

Um... but she met Wayne Stormwind,

um, when they were the only two people

watching all of the credits
at the end of a movie.

Well, you don't want to
miss the post-credits scene.

- Yep. Exactly.
- Damien?

I'm Damien.

You don't want to make up a character?

Nah. I think I'll be me,
but as if I grew up in France.

Can you do an accent?



... allons-y.

What does that mean?

I have no idea.

- Cheers?
- Cheers.

- ALL: Cheers.


Oh, the kids were, um,
dumping vegetables in there

that they didn't want to eat.

GRACE: I used to wrap mine in a paper towel

and throw it out the bathroom window.

DAMIEN: Wow. Smart.

Why are you standing there like a weirdo?

Oh, um...

... I was in the toilet,
and I was about to...

Are you staring wistfully at Grace?
No, no, not wistfully.

Yeah, I am.

I should have talked you out of
having her as your maid of honour.

No, no, I... I wanted her to be.

I just...

... would you mind if I
didn't go to our wedding?

You want to leave me at the altar?

No, no, I'm just...
I'm asking in advance if maybe

Mum can marry you and Damien
or you and Grace instead.

I really think it's gonna be fun.
We've all got our characters.

You can control the weather. I know.

I just... I don't want to spend
several hours being reminded

of what I could have had with Grace

while she's standing right next to me.

I... I thought I'd be OK with it,
but after the mimosa...

These are mainly orange juice.

I thought I'd be married
by now, maybe kids,

but, instead, I'm...
I'm single and I'm getting fake-married

whilst the person I want to for-real
marry is... my maid of honour.

- It's confusing.
- Well...

- Sorry, mate.

Hi, Mum.

No, no, don't kick it. Just...

Yes. I'll be... I'll be right there.

Mum's trying to print
off her stuff for today

and the printer is not cooperating.


How about you tell Barbara
you're switching out

and I'll talk with Damien and Grace?

I'll let
'em fight it out for who gets to marry me.

- Thank you, mate.
- It's OK.

- I'll see you soon.
- Yep.


Mum, it works. Oh.

BARBARA: Thank goodness.

Wow. You're really going through
with a full ceremony today.

Yes. It has to be as close to
the real thing as possible.

I only want to have
to fake this thing once.

You and Emma all set?

Um... yeah, about that.


Could I possibly not do it?

Could you marry Emma and Damien
or Emma and Grace instead?

- Hey, mate.

- What are you doing here?
- Uh, quick update.

Barbara, today,
you will be marrying Grace and Damien

whilst I'm drinking mimosas elsewhere.


I thought about what you said,
and I can't go through with it either.

- Why?
- I've actually been married before.

And, no, I didn't get left
on the day of the wedding,

but I did get left a few days afterwards.

I'm sorry, mate.
I didn't think of it like that.

- It's just... Grace and I...
- I know. It's... it's OK.

It just... you know, it started
bringing up those memories and...

... I don't want to do it.

Oh, for God's sake!
Both of you, in my office.

This is what's gonna happen.

Both of you are getting married today.

- But...
- Listen to me.

I'm .

- No!
- Quiet.

I'm , and do you ever hear me
complaining about relationships?

Well, to be fair,
you rarely share anything personal.

I don't complain because...

... there are already people
in my life that I care about

and whom I presume care about me.


... having Grace in your life is enough,
isn't it?

It is.

And, Emma...

... worrying about getting hurt
is a waste of time and effort.

If it happens, you'll handle it.
I've seen you do it.

You don't have to be in a relationship

to have love in your life.

Are you referring to...


Come on.

- Get it over with.
- Oh.

(GASPS) Oh! Oh!

Whoo! (LAUGHS) Whoo!

OK. That's enough.

Just a few more minutes.


- Hey.
- Sorry to keep you waiting.

- Oh, no worries.
- What do you think?

It was, um, this or a cream
dress from my sister's wedding

that made me look like a profiterole.

It's perfect. (LAUGHS)


- Hey, so I was thinking.
- Yeah?

Uh, what movie?


What movie did Tabitha and Wayne
meet watching the end credits of?



... Face/Off.

(LAUGHS) Or if we're making things up,
Face/Off .

- Oh, the dream.
- Mm.

It's, uh, nice hanging out again.

We should... do it more often, if you like.

We could grab dinner at the pub tonight,

Yeah, lock it in.

Unless Em wants to go on a
fake honeymoon after this.

I'm not sure when she's
gonna break character.

- Well, when you fake get back, then.
- Sounds good.

Hey, so, how are you feeling anyway?

I looked up some phrases to say to a groom

if they're having second thoughts.

Oh, no, I'm fine.
It's just gonna be a small thing.

Mum just wants to do the bare
minimum to get the video done.

Well... here if you need, Wayne.


I might need one of those phrases.

Welcome! What do you think?

This is amazing.

Um, Gez, did you invite a few extra people?

Well, no-one wants to miss
the wedding of the season.

How'd you get Dave on drinks?

Turns out we have a lot
of people in this town

who are trying to crack
into the wedding market.

- So, I've got Dave on catering...
- Catering?

It's just for a small video assignment.

Yeah, and everyone wants to be involved.

- PHIL: This is beautiful.

Give me confusion. Perfect.

- Phil, what are you doing?
- Loving it.

- I'm the wedding photographer.
- Act like I'm not here.

You are, though, and you're quite close.

- Oh!
- Oh! Found the flash.

Alright, come on.
We've gotta take our positions.

Camera loves you, Daniel.

- Here he comes.
- Congrats, Daniel.

- Oh, congrats, mate.
- Looking good, Daniel.

- Oh, well done.
- Cheers.

"Whatever you're feeling is OK."


- Well done.
- Congrats, Daniel.

- Oh, congrats, buddy.
- Well done, buddy.

Wayne Stormwind?

Do you want to hear his backstory?


Gez has really gone to town, hasn't she?

Yeah, she has.

- Here we go.
- Thank you.

- Oh, wow.


Lovely picture.

Hey, Wayne. Big turnout.

- Yeah. I like your outfit.
- Oh, thanks.

You know,
those big skirts just got in the way.

And I didn't want Damien to
have to hold it so I could pee.

Good thinking. You look good too, Damien.

Oh. 'Mercy'.

Are we recording?


Thanks for coming, everyone.
Let's get started.

I'm Barbara.

And I'm duly authorised to solemnise
marriages according to law...

Sorry, Mum, just confirming,
not really, though?


Before you are joined in marriage
in front of me and these witnesses,

I have to remind you of the
solemn and binding nature

of the relationship into
which you are now entering.


Marriage, according to law in Australia,

is the union of two people to
the exclusion of all others,

voluntarily entered into for life.




I, Wayne Stormwind,
take you, Sophia Strider,

to be my lawful wedded wife,

to laugh and to cry with you,

to encourage you in your detective work

and to cherish our everlasting
bond of friendship,

even though I was your second
choice of husband behind a Mob boss.



I, Sophia Strider,
take you, Wayne Stormwind,

to be my lawful wedded husband,

to share our secrets,
hopes, fears and dreams,

and I promise to never pressure you
to use your weather-control powers

to help me fly a kite

or ruin a criminal's picnic.

And according to the
bride and groom's wishes,

they may now high-five.


Oh, come on!

You have to kiss!

- What?! No, we don't.
- It's not real, Frank.

STACEY: Come on! Just kiss already!

We're sick of waiting for
you two to get together.

How many times do we have to say it?
We're just friends!

- No, you're not.
- Doesn't look like it.

It's pretend!

PHIL: Oh, listen to your hearts, will you?

- It's obvious you're in love.
- It's so obvious.

- We can all see it.
- Just give it a try!

Listen! It's very simple.
I love him more than anyone else.

He's the only person I
want to spend time with.

- Not helping.
- What? As a friend!

I don't know what's so
hard to get about this.

Daniel. Do you love Emma?

- Yes!

- Not "Aw!"
- Not like that!

What does that even mean? What a cop-out!

No, it's different.

I... I know what it feels like
to be in love with someone.

Yeah! With Emma!

- No, with Grace.

Sorry to drag you into this.

I'm not trying to embarrass you.

I'm not embarrassed.

Um, this might do it, then, sorry.

I... love you.

I never really stopped.

I was just...

... scared of feeling that
strongly for someone.

But... I... I just want you to know

that as long as you're in my life,
I'm happy.

I love you too.


As a friend?

- Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! You guys, you guys, you guys!

You guys! You guys!

MAN: Hey!

You guys, you guys! My God!
We've got everything ready!

Barbara, marry these lovebirds for real!

- Oh, it's... it's moving a bit fast.
- It's a bit soon.

I'm not a real celebrant yet.

And I may never be if I hand
in this mess of a video.

It'll cut together fine!

Well, Barbara's plan to run a
non-romantic wedding backfired.

- I'm sorry I kissed your husband.
- Oh, it happens.

They've only got BOTTLES of pale ale.

That's fine.


Are you together now for real?

No! Jeez. Calm both your farms, alright?

I mean, after today, there's no
way I'm not having a bit of a kiss.

And he looks extra-handsome.

Plus I've always liked French guys.

Well, I'm very happy for you.

But you shouldn't be
afraid of your feelings.

Euch! Really?

After everything, you're gonna try

and peer-pressure me
into being in a couple?

- We're good.
- You're right.

Thank God that's over.

You were so great today, Barbara.

I don't think weddings are supposed to end

with the groom and the maid
of honour getting hitched.

- Sorry, Mum.
- Sorry.

Sorry to interrupt.

Just a little something for the
happy couple, which I guess now is...

... you two.

- Oh.
- Oh. Um...

- Aww!
- Thanks, Gez.

I... love it.


Can I just say,
I'm really glad I moved here.

- Me too.

I was gonna say something sarcastic,
but it is our wedding night.

That is a lovely dress, Mrs Marsh.

Very flattered.

But not interested, thank you.

Righto. Bunch in, everyone.

Oh, Phil,
you don't have to take photos anymore.

- Oh, it's in me blood, Daniel.
- Come on!

Here we go.

Three, two, one!

- PEOPLE: Yay!

EMMA: Tag me!


Do you know why we never got together?


I'm out of your league, mate.


... I'm out of YOUR league.

Oof! Got me.

I'm glad we didn't, though.

This is better.

It is.

EMMA: Oh, hey. I've been meaning
to tell you. You've been sleepwalking.

- DANIEL: What?! When?
- EMMA: At night. When do you think?

- DANIEL: Well, what was I doing?
- EMMA: Oh.

You walk around and then you
put your head in the toilet.

(SCOFFS) And that doesn't wake me up?

EMMA: No, which is good,
'cause that'd be dangerous.

DANIEL: It's funny, actually,
because you also have been sleepwalking

and you... you drink from the toilet.

EMMA: Impossible. Your head's in there.

- EMMA: Checkmate!
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