04x06 - Double Cheeseburger

[bunniefuu]

(APNEA MACHINE WHIRS)

(YAWNS)

(MOANS)

(GRUNTS)

T-Tan-Tandy.

Tandy.

What? What?

What? You okay?

We got company.

(BABY GURGLES)

- A sleep birth?
- CAROL: Yep.

Had her right in my sleep.

That is the weirdest
thing I've ever heard.

Well, I've had similar
nocturnal movements.

Eh, not a baby of course, but, uh,

I was, uh, surprised in the morning.

CAROL: I mean, I was
so worried about it.

'Cause, Erica, your
birth seemed very painful.

Am I wrong about that?

Yeah, the pain was significant.

Yeah, 'cause for me, it
was the exact opposite.

Like, nothing.

In fact, I have a sneaking suspicion,

I might have even orgasmed.

ERICA: Oh.

- Well, good for you.
- Yeah, right?

Anyway, looking back at it now,

I realize all that
worrying was for nothing.

Isn't that right, Bezequille?

So, we're sticking with Bezequille?

I l... I love it.

- Yeah.
- TODD: Hey there, Bezequille.

I'm your Uncle Todd,

and this is your Aunt Melissa.

You want to say hi, Melissa?

Hey.

What's up?

Look at you.

You're perfect.

You little bumblebee.

That's what you are, a little bumblebee.

(CRYING): 'Cause you stung
me... right in the heart.

It's swelling up bigger
than I ever thought possible.

- Sorry.
- CAROL: Well,

I'm gonna go eat the placenta.

Anybody want to join?

- Thanks for asking.
- Oh, no.

- I have some things I got to do.
- I'm practicing my accordion.

I would love some.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe I stayed sober

for two weeks waiting
to deliver that baby,

and Carol goes and pops
it out in her sleep.

Oh, was the birth easy for Carol?

I hadn't heard that.

Hey, look on the bright side,
I'm not on baby watch anymore.

So, what do you say, we can finally have

that little date night tonight?

Ugh, that's exactly what I need.

What are we gonna do with this one?

I think I know someone
who might be available.

A thousand times yes!

Oh, this is gonna be so great.

We're gonna read some
stories, sing some lullabies,

maybe count macaronis together.

Oh, gotta do some tickling. (LAUGHS)

Okay, I'm off to get supplies.
Whenever you guys need me,

I'll be waiting right outside your door.

(LAUGHS)

And then the noodle
realized that he needed

to take a high dive off
his own expectations.

(CHUCKLES) That sounds
like a great story.

- Yeah.
- You know, Care Bear,

I feel like I gave birth today, too.

To a new worldview.

A new responsibility.

And a new song.

I call this "A New World View,

A New Responsibility, A New Song."

Give her a front row seat.

There you go.

(TANDY STRUMS GUITAR)

♪ Have you ever had
a teeny, tiny baby ♪

♪ Sitting right on your face? ♪

♪ And you realize ♪

♪ You got responsibilities ♪

♪ Hitting you from every place ♪

♪ Well, it's an honor
and a very big deal ♪

♪ Much more than just
changing some di-i-iapers ♪

♪ Gotta set a good example ♪

♪ Gotta feed 'em lots of food ♪

♪ And even some knowledge ♪

♪ Closure, closure ♪

♪ Closure, closure, closure ♪

♪ Our baby's in this world now
and she's melting my heart ♪

♪ Closure, closure, closure, closure ♪

♪ Closure, our baby is born ♪

♪ Thank you, Yahweh ♪

♪ Fart, fart, fart. ♪

(LAUGHS)

Care Bear. You okay?

Yeah. I've...

I've just had this weird
cramp all day, and now

I just feel dizzy.

Why don't we go check in
with Gail, just to be safe?

- Okay? Here, I'll get the baby.
- Okay.

You almost done?

Just give me another sec.

Huh.

What?

Carol...

you ever go to a fast-food joint?

Oh, I'm gonna stop you right
there... I don't like fast food.

I prefer it slow or mid-tempo.

I do like fast food.

And I went to a place once,

- and I ordered a cheeseburger,
- Mm.

And after I ate it,

I reached into the bag for a napkin,

and I noticed...

a second cheeseburger down there.

You see what I mean?

An additional cheeseburger
that I had not ordered?

Um... I'm lost here.

What are you saying?

Carol...

you've got another baby stuck up in ya.

(GASPS)

There's another baby inside of me.

Is that even possible?

Well, I'm looking at
it with my own two eyes,

so... yeah, I'm gonna go with yes.

- (EXHALES)
- TANDY: Hello, ladies.

Me and my daughter, just born today...

You were there... Uh,
we're just checking in

to see how you guys were doing.

Tandy, I have something to tell you.

Uh, what's up, Care Bear?

We're gonna have another baby.

Well, sounds good. Let
me just go wash my balls.

Oh, no-no-no-no.

I mean, we're gonna have
another baby right now.

Carol, warning: they're pretty dirty.

Tandy, I'm not talking
about making another baby.

I'm saying there's another
baby already inside of me.

You... (EXHALES)

You have another
cheeseburger in the bag?

Yeah.

I'm gonna be another father.

(TANDY LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Oh, my God. So, what's the ETA?

Well, they usually come

one right after the
other, but says here,

it's not too uncommon for
there to be a little separation.

Say what you will about
the cleanliness of my balls,

but they sure know how
to make babies. (LAUGHS)

Yeah. I guess that's the takeaway.

(WHISPERS): Gross.

GAIL: Bad news, hon.

- Date night's off.
- Why?

Carol's got another baby stuck up her.

What? No way.

Yup, right up in her.

Am I horrible for being super
glad she's having another one?

- Of course not.
- Or for the main reason

being my sincere desire for
it to be incredibly painful?

Now, that does tip it back the
other way, just a little bit.

- Yeah, you can never tell her I said that.
- I won't.

'Cause then she might downplay
the pain just to spite me.

Can I be there? Can I watch?

I'm not sure your current energy

would be super helpful in that room.

I'm sorry. Obviously, I want
her to have a smooth birth.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, yeah.

But with just enough pain
to respect the process.

You are barely dilated.

(GAIL SIGHS)

So, nothing? You don't
feel any contractions?

Nope.

Here, Care Bear, try this.

Aah! Aah! What is that?!

It's a bowl of Tabasco sauce.

I-I found a list of the things

that are supposed to help induce labor,

and spicy foods is one of them.

I-I guess they steam the baby out?

Here, Gail, check her now.

No change.

Hey, relax.

I am not worried.

The baby will come when it's ready.

GAIL: Well, look at you,

- all mellowed out.
- Well, Bezequille taught me

a big lesson today.

All that time I spent
worried about her birth,

I'll never get it back.

So starting tonight,

I am not gonna get all jangled up

about things that are beyond my control.

Good for you, hon.

So, I'm gonna go to bed.

Um...

here's a misoprostol

to get the ball rolling down there.

And you just give me a
shout if anything happens.

Thanks, Mom.

This is great. Between
Gail's medicine and my list,

we'll get this baby out of you.

So you just sit back and... relax!

(SCREAMS)

(PANTS)

Scaring you is on the list.

Yeah. Anything?

- (CRYING): No.
- Okay. Well...

cross that one off.

Or will I?

What's with the sour mug, bub?

Nothing. I'm fine.

(GROANS)

I thought you were
supposed to be babysitting.

Erica called it off, 'cause Gail's busy

with Carol's birth stuff.

Well, it's probably for the best.

What's that supposed to mean?

I mean, I just know you have
a little case of baby fever,

and I see where this is going.

(EXHALES)

No, Melissa, look.

We made our decision, okay?

Having kids is not for us.

And I totally respect your
desire to remain barren.

Todd, be honest with me.

Melissa, I don't need kids to be happy.

All I need is you.

You feeling anything?

No.

Hmm. Nipple stimulation's supposed to be

one of the biggies. Here, let me

try the other way a little bit.

Still nothing?

Let me try this.

Anything?

Flick 'em, flick 'em.

Nothing?

No.

Oh, maybe they're talking
about intellectual stimulation.

What if Benjamin Buttons had a zipper?

Tandy, I appreciate your efforts,

but I think I'm just too tired

to be stimulated nipple-arily.

Oh. Then, baby, why
don't you get some sleep?

What kind of mother
would I be if I missed

two of my babies being
born in the same day?

Hey, Care Bear, would you feel better

if I stayed up all night
and watched your vag*na?

You would do that for me?

I would do that for a lot of people.

But tonight, yes, it's for you.

- I love you.
- I love you.

Now, promise me you'll wake me
up the second anything happens.

Carol, columns could crumble.

The moon could explode.

A banshee could scream
in the very face of time.

And I will not... stop...

watching... this... vag*na.

(CHUCKLES)

Clocking in.

CAROL: Tandy.

- Oh, what...
- Tandy.

Wha-Wha... What? What, what?

You said you'd keep
watch for me all night.

Carol, relax.

I had it covered.

What do you mean, had it covered?

Still need me here, bud?

Thanks. I-I got it from here, bud.

Carol.

Todd.

- Gail.
- Todd.

So, where we at?

Still stuck at the equator, Mom.

That pill should've worked by now.

Okay, let me take another look.

(SIGHS)

All these people looking at my pieces.

Now I know what the Newport
Ceramics Festival feels like.

Okay, well, um...

Tandy, could I talk to you...

for a second, outside?

- Sure.
- No. I want to hear it.

Whatever you have to say to
him, you can say to me, too.

Fine. I...

I'm kind of freaking out here.

Why are you so worried?

Because I don't want anything
to happen to you or this baby.

Well, neither do I.

But it's all gonna be okay.

Yeah, it will.

'Cause we're gonna get
that baby out of you.

Right friggin' now.

We... We need to get the baby out now?

What's the rush?

Thought your book said
it wasn't a big deal.

Well, the longer you wait,
the more risk of complications.

I mean, the baby's head could
get too big for the birth canal.

Extra pressure on the umbilical cord.

Possibility of meconium infection.

Look, I appreciate your concern,

but I've read about all the risks,

and I'm not worried about it.

Hon, we should hear Gail out, okay?

So, uh, what are you proposing?

I want to go in

and break the amniotic
sac with a needle.

D... Uh... no, we are
not kebabing our baby.

Well, it's our best option.

Well, if it's such a great option,

why isn't it even on my list?

- Oh...
- Please, please.

It's hard for me to put
what I'm feeling into words.

Call it mother's intuition.

But I need you to trust me.

The baby will come when it's ready.

Okay.

If that's what you want.

It is.

(MOUTHS)

Who's a little angel?

Are you my little baby pet?

Did you keep Mommy up
all night last night?

Was that you?

Yes, it was.

That was you, wasn't it? Yes, you did.

Oh, hey.

Hey, Todd. Hey.

Hey, um, you feeling okay?

Why?

Just seem a little tired.

You know, just based on
what your face looks like.

- Wow.
- No, d-don't-don't get me wrong.

Y... You-you look
great, hon. Very wise.

You know, like an old,
gnarled oak tree, you know?

Tons of integrity.

- Thank you?
- You know,

th-this isn't coming out
right. I just... (SIGHS)

If you need to take a little
nap, I'd be happy to watch Dawn.

- Well, I'm not sure about
the tree stuff... - Fair.

But I could really use a nap.

A-And just so you know, I
don't need kids to be happy.

- Oh, good for you, Todd.
- All I need is Melissa.

- Todd...
- This is just so you can get some sleep

- for your face.
- All right, I got it.

- You've made that abundantly clear.
- Okay.

Bye-bye, Dawn.

Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- See you.

(WHISPERS): She's gone. Hey.

Oh. Hey.

Hey, Melissa.

Where have you been?

You know, just, um...

hanging out with the guys.

Is that baby powder on your shirt?

This is, um, um...

the, um...

It's... cocaine.

Cocaine?

Yes. Cocaine.

I was doing cocaine
because... I love it.

You were with Dawn, weren't you?

Look, how many times
do I have to tell you?

I was snorting and smoking
cocaine all day, okay?

And then, when I was putting
my mirror and coke toot away,

I must've gotten some on my shirt,

and then I showed up here,
you started reaming me out.

- Todd, come on.
- Look, can this wait till morning?

Okay, great. Good night. (GRUNTS)

Mm, okay.

Good night, Scarface.

And then the witch
ate her mother's heart

and understood the
language of all birds.

- She...
- Look at her,

putting on such a brave face.

She's obviously petrified.

Denial isn't just a river in Phoenix.

It's also a very real
psychological state, Gail.

(SIGHS)

I can't just stand here and watch this.

- Wait. No, no. Gail.
- All right, Carol,

enough is enough. We're
gonna break that water.

- I won't take no for an answer.
- Oh.

So I guess you're making all
the decisions now, huh, Gail?

Well, since I am the
only adult in the room,

- I do consider it my duty. Yes, yes.
- (GASPS): What?!

I am calendar years old!

That is two adults with
a seven year old on top!

- Hi. Uh, please leave me alone.
- No.

I can't do that, hon.

I'm not gonna let this get to the point

where I have to make a decision

about whether or not to cut you open.

Well, neither will I.

Okay, so you'll let me break your water?

I don't need you to break my water.

Carol, I'm trying to
include you in this,

but if you're not up to it, I
will make this decision for you.

This is not your call to make!

- I am her husband!
- And I am her mother!

- And I am her her.
- Not now, Carol!

Okay, look, yeah, I'm not
gonna let you turn our baby

into some kind of human pin cushion.

And what are you proposing, Dr. Pepper?

You still want to stick
hot sauce up her holler?

That was on a list, Gail! A list!

GAIL: Oh, my God, you're so clueless!

TANDY: Oh, how dare you! How dare you!

GAIL: How dare I. How dare I what?

How dare I try to save the life
of your wife and unborn child?

Oh, look at you, strutting
around with all the answers

like some kind of
all-the-answers peacock!

(ULULATING)

You know what? You should get
down on your bony, little knees

- and thank the Lord above that I am here!
- Oh, yeah?

- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.
- Oh, thank God for Gail!

- Right.
- Thank God! What would I do without her?

- That's right. You know why?
- Why?

'Cause I'm the only sh*t

- you got right now, dummy.
- (BABY CRYING QUIETLY)

- You think so?
- I know so.

You think so?

- Yeah.
- And, Carol, you ought to shut your mouth

and open your legs and
let me break that water.

You hear me?

- (BABY COOING)
- Carol?

- (BABY COOS)
- Carol?

(SIGHS) Did someone order
a double cheeseburger?

(SIGHS)

Carol...

I feel like I owe you an apology.

Mom, come meet your
second granddaughter.

- Hey, little one.
- TANDY: Wait.

In all the craziness,
we never picked a name.

Oh, I got you covered.

You both know I'm a very gifted namer.

And I thought of the perfect
name for our daughter.

Mike.

(TANDY SIGHS, LAUGHS)

Here we go. Oh.

Hey, Mike. I'm your dad.

You know, normally Mike is a guy's name.

And kids might give you
a little flack for it,

but, uh, Mike was my brother's name.

And if you knew him,

I'm sure you wouldn't mind.

ERICA: So,

another painless birth, huh?

Would you believe it was even
easier than the first one?

And this time, I definitely orgasmed.

Didn't I? Didn't I?

Date night time. Let's hit it.

Oh, are you guys taking
Dawn on your date night?

Well, Tandy and Carol have
their hands full, and you're...

you know.

How about Todd?

Really?

Yeah, unless you're planning
on hitting the slopes.

He's been doing a lot of cocaine.

Look, it was baby powder, guys.

That's what people say, yeah.

But yeah, I'd love to. I'm...

Are you-you sure?

- (QUIETLY): Thank you.
- ERICA: All right.

Well, that settles it.

I'll see you guys later.

- Thank you.
- Bye, Dawn.

Yes.

Peekaboo.

Peekaboo.

♪ Closure, closure,
closure, closure, closure ♪

♪ You three are the most
important things in my life ♪

Yeah.

- ♪ Closure, closure ♪
- Peekaboo!

- ♪ Closure, closure, closure ♪
- Peekaboo!

♪ I couldn't be ♪

♪ Any happier ♪

♪ Fart, fart, fart ♪

♪ Fart, fart, fart. ♪