04x07 - Gender Friender

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

ERICA: Another painless birth, huh?

CAROL: Would you believe it was
even easier than the first one?

Melissa, I don't need kids to
be happy. All I need is you.

- You are the snake?
- PANCHO: I thought you knew.

You were going to let
me hit the piñata.

HECTOR: The b*mb is
not in the piñata.

PANCHO: Then where is it?

(WOMEN SPEAKING BABY TALK)

(INDISTINCT TALKING)

Guys. Guys.

I did it.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Boop.

(LAUGHS) I finished a whole side.

Guys, come on, look at how smart I am.

Guys?

Tandy, I have a question...
if you're so smart,

why are you calling us "guys"?

Yeah, it's just what
you say when you want

to get a bunch of people's attention.

Yeah, but we're all women...
and now with the twins and Dawn,

there's seven ladies and only three men.

I mean, we more than double you.

Don't you think calling us
"guys" is a little sexist?

(CHUCKLES): Uh, I can't be sexist.

Okay? I am a father of two baby women.

I mean, I think girls are
so nice I made 'em twice.

- Whatever, Tandy.
- What? Uh, no, seriously,

I am super pro-lady.

I wouldn't lie to you guys.

- Tandy!
- There it is.

Sexist pig.

No, no, no, no, no.
You're absolutely right.

We are living in a brave new world,

where there are more hot
dog buns than hot dogs.

So if I have offended you guys at all...

- WOMEN: Tandy!
- Oh, I did it again!

That... I... that was my bad.

Look, this is a problem, okay?

And it will not stand.

(HUFFING BREATHS)

How about this?

From now on,

anytime we would normally say "guys,"

we'll say "gals" instead.

This'll last a day.

Uh, no, uh, no, it won't.

Huh? This is gonna
last a lifetime. Yeah.

Hey, got an ultra-serious
question for you.

What's got two thumbs

and a deep respect for gender equality?

This gal.

This gal.

That's not gonna get annoying at all.

Hey, Gail?

Gail? Gail?

Yeah, on that,

we're in total agree-woment.

Agree-men-t?

Nah.

Agreewomen-t.

Yeah, that's my current jam.

And I look forward to
spreading it on all your bread.

Idiot.

(TODD SPEAKING BABY TALK)

(SPEAKS BABY TALK, GIGGLES)

How's our little cutie muffin?

Well, she's warm

and she's toasty,

but I'm afraid she might
have too many blueberries.

Hmm? Maybe I should eat a few.

Let me see that. Mm.

- (MOCK GOBBLING)
- Um, Todd?

- (GRUNTING)
- Todd.

Uh?

- It's time for me to feed her.
- Oh.

- Uh... yeah.
- Yeah.

- Okay, sure.
- Thanks.

Thank you.

You got her? Okay.

Geez, y-you see that?

I mean, she just
swooped in and took her.

It was a little rude.

Well, don't you go play with the twins?

Well, they're sleeping,
so I guess I'm on my own.

Look, you want a play date so bad,

there's an obvious solution
right under your nose.

TODD: Jasper?

Well, it's kind of a perfect match.

You want to hang out with
kids, he has no parents.

Yeah, I know. I'm just...

I'm not sure he'd want
to hang out with me.

Have you asked him?

Mm, no.

- I'll just go ask him for you.
- No.

Okay? I'll do it. Just
not here, all right?

Geez.

I'm gonna put on a different shirt.

Mom. Thank gollness.

Can you help me with the twins?

Mike needs to be fed,

and Bezequille doesn't like to watch.

Where's Tandy?

Well, he's busy.

He's changing all the manatee art

to woman-atee art.

This house has a surprising
amount of manatee art.

All right, yeah, give
me the little rug rat.

(CAROL GROANS)

Oh, Mom, I do not know
what I would do without you.

(GROANS)

Raising one baby is a challenge,

but two is a full-time sport.

I am coach,

quarterback... whew!...

And the water cooler.

Okay, but I can only do
it for a little while,

'cause I promised Erica I'd watch Dawn

while she takes a bath.

Oh.

I see.

- What?
- Nothing.

I just think it's interesting

that you have all this time for Dawn,

but you don't have any time

for your actual, legal grandchildren.

Are we really gonna go there?

Bezequille and Mike are your
notarized flesh and blood.

And Dawn is just some itinerant baby

of a woman you're currently dating.

Erica is not just some woman I'm dating.

Okay, we're not married,

but we're in a committed relationship.

(SCOFFS): Okay, if you say so.

How dare you.

Erica and I were doing
the female hunka-chunka

- before we even knew y'all were alive.
- Fine.

Have it your way. I'll
just tell the twins

their grandma ditched them
for some stranger-baby.

Don't you listen to her.

Jasper?

Knock-knock. (CHUCKLES)

Who's there? I'm just kidding.

Jasper?

Hey, hey, bud.

Oh, look at you.

Set up a little bachelor pad.

That's cool.

(VIDEO GAME CHARACTERS
SHOUTING, WEAPONS f*ring)

Uh, k*lling Nazis, huh?

Yeah. Don't have any
problem with that, no, sir.

Even the ones just following orders.

You know, you got to be held
accountable for your actions.

(FAINTLY): Stupid.

I was wondering,

uh, if you're not doing anything,

uh, you-you-you, um...

you want to hang out or something?

I mean, 'cause you could totally say no.

I mean, why would you wanna...

(LIKE OLD MAN): hang out
with an old guy like me?

Come on, bud, five minutes.

Just, you know, four.

May-Maybe-maybe two.

Right on.

Whatever.

Hey. Thanks for watching Dawn.

Of course.

I should warn you that Carol

was not too thrilled
about me being pulled away.

Oh, God. What now?

She's just mad because she thinks

I spend more time with
Dawn than with the twins.

Well, you're Dawn's mom, too.

Oh, not according to Carol.

She's giving me grief on
account of us not being married.

- Oh!
- You know Carol. I mean,

she won't go to the bathroom

unless she's got a
certified dumping permit.

Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

(CHUCKLES): What?

I was just thinking about
us as a married couple.

(LAUGHS)

What's so funny about that?

I mean, can you imagine
us getting all gussied up

and declaring our love to the
world like a couple of chumps?

(LAUGHS)

Yeah, wouldn't that be horrible?

What? Did I say s...

(GROANS)

Women.

Okay, hun, look,

I'm sorry... I didn't mean it that way.

- Sure.
- I mean,

it's not that I wouldn't
want to be married to you,

I just don't want to
be married to anybody.

It's a flawed institution.

It's like bread bowls

or... the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

You already made your point,
so could we just drop it?

I mean, we live together,
we're raising a kid together.

It's like we're already married.

The only thing we don't have is
just some stupid piece of paper.

Yeah, stupid piece of paper...

that says you'll always be
there even if the other person

gets sick or they get fat or
they... drool in their sleep,

because you can't imagine
your life without them.

(GROANS): Oh, God. All right.

If getting married is really
something that you want to do,

then... I'll bite the b*llet.

Wow. With a proposal like
that, how could I say no?

Whoa! Oops.

Must be a hole in my glove.

Oh! Uh-oh, worm burner! (CHUCKLES)

Hey, you know, truth be told,

I never even played
catch... It's just something

I saw all my friends do
with their dads, and...

Well, my dad was a
little checked out, so...

I taught myself how to play catch,

how to ride a bike, you know?

Um... even taught myself how to shave.

What's to shave?

Oh, you don't know about shaving?

Ah, bud, learning to shave is...

like a rite of passage.

It'd be my honor to
guide you through it.

Here, give me that.

Go long. (CHUCKLES)

No. Not that long, bud.

Thanks again, Melissa.

Gail said she was gonna help,

but apparently, she has more
important babies to tend to.

It's no problem.

Hey, gals. Uh, just b*rned
some dirty diapers on the lawn.

Woman, oh, woman, is it hot out!

Yeah, plus all the pollen.

Think I might have to go
take a anti-her-stimine.

Wow, you're really doubling
down on all this crap.

(CHUCKLES): Yeah. If by "crap," you mean

smashing the patriarchy and
being a full-on gender-friender,

then yes, I'm % full of crap.

CAROL: You know, Tandy,

there's more to being a
feminist than just talk.

Yeah, and you can't just
change a bunch of words around

and think you're the
next... Betty Friedan.

Uh, don't know who that is,
but I think I get the point.

Which is why I am entering
phase two of what I'm calling

my "Sex Change Operation."

'Cause well-behaved Tandies
seldom make herstory.

TODD: That's it.

Nice, even strokes.

Just go with the grain, bud.

Again, this is not
the normal shave area,

but for our purposes,
this makes the most sense.

You know, because you don't have
any hair on your face, and...

Melissa likes my mustache

for reasons I'll explain to you someday.

You're never gonna forget this, bud.

We share a sacred bond now.

Shave brothers.

Or, shave father and
son, if, you know...

- What?
- Nothing.

(CLEARS THROAT) Nothing.

Just, uh, shave brothers.

(LAUGHING): Yeah.

Yep.

Hey, you ever learn how to tie a tie?

(DAWN CRYING)

I'll get her.

You sleep.

Shh.

- (DAWN QUIETS)
- Yeah...

(SIGHS)

vag*na-doodle-doo!

Rise and shine, everyone!

What a beautiful daughter-rise.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

GAIL: Now, listen here.

In my experience, marriage
has never been about love.

It's about doing what
other people expect of you.

The first time I got married

is 'cause I thought I was pregnant.

The second time was because
I was pregnant.

And the third time

was because a wife can't testify
against a husband in court.

It's a long story. Now, I got Carol

giving me a hard time every time
I hang out with you and Dawn.

But for God's sakes, I
don't want to marry you

just because Carol told me to.

I can do whatever the hell I want to do.

And right now...

(SIGHS)

that is marrying you.

(EXHALES)

Gail, is this really what you want?

More than anything in
the whole, wide world.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

GAIL: Hmm.

Then yes.

(BOTH LAUGH SOFTLY)

Ladies and gentlewomen,

we are gathered here today

to bring two souls
together in holy matrimony.

I want to be clear: this
is not a gay wedding.

Because now, we're living in a world

in which men and women don't exist.

Which means gay doesn't, either.

So, this is just a regular wedding.

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

- But it's still special.
- Mm-hmm.

Because it's the hottest
type of regular wedding,

with two smoking hot people

about to make a very
public display of affection.

I feel like Bill Clinton right now.

A simple man between
two legendary Bushes.

- One of them a little older.
- (ERICA GROANS)

Now, at a certain point, I'm gonna ask

these two ladies to kiss.

A display that once
would have been considered

"Too Hot for TV."

Uh, and, heck, I'll admit:
I was part of the problem.

I used to titter when I would
watch Gail and Erica kiss.

But now, I just watch.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

How far we've come.

- (EXHALES)
- TANDY: What a glorious couple.

What they lack in interconnecting parts,

they make up for in love.

As they scissor through
the chains of ignorance...

Tandy.

Strap on, it's gonna be a wild ride.

- Tandy!
- Tandy!

Just skip over anything
about us being gay.

(CHUCKLES) I couldn't
have said it better.

Look, this is not just a marriage.

This is the union of three souls:

Erica, Gail and Dawn.

The three of you will
form an unbreakable bond

that nobody can penetrate.

Bears repeating:

this will be a union
without penetration.

Well, here goes nothing, huh?

Do you, Gail Klosterwoman,

take Erica to be your
lawfully wedded wife?

I do.

And do you, Erica...

wait a minute.

What's your last name?

(QUIETLY): Dundee.

(ERICA CLEARS THROAT)

What?

It's Dundee.

(LAUGHS) Wait a minute... (STAMMERS)

So, you are from Australia,
and your last name is Dundee?

- Tandy, please.
- (LAUGHS)

So, this-this whole time...

Tandy!

Out of respect for your love,
I will put a pin in this.

Okay.

So, do you, Erica Dundee...

Like Crocodile Dundee from the movie...

Take Gail Klosterwoman to be your...

(AUSTRALIAN ACCENT): "That's
not a wife, this is a wife?"

- I do.
- Then, by the power

invested in me,

I now pronounce you regular married.

You may kiss as deep
and hard as you want to.

(APPLAUSE)

(TODD LAUGHING)

(TODD WHOOPS)

(SOFT LAUGHTER)

TANDY: Now,

to end decades of male oppression,

and usher in a new
era of gender equality,

I will break through the
symbolic glass ceiling

by shattering this actual glass ceiling.

- (SHOUTS)
- What the hell?

- ERICA: No! No! - GAIL: Go! Go!
- TODD: Tandy, Tandy...

Huzzah.

Everyone, please gather 'round

as Gail and Erica
have their first dance.

Great.

Now, the bride and bride

have chosen the song
"At Last" by Etta James,

which would have been pretty good,

but I opted to pull an audible

in favor of a different song, uh,

an unambiguous celebration
of the female spirit.

The sort of thing you'd find

in the record collection
of Miss Gloria Steinem.

Steinem?

I hardly knew her.

- (GROANING)
- TANDY: Without further ado,

the first dance.

♪ Girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Long legs and burgundy lips ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Dancin' down on the Sunset Strip ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Life-lasting friendships ♪

♪ Wonderful people ♪

♪ Girls, girls, girls ♪

♪ Lots of names like Jennifer... ♪

Hey, bud, why aren't you
wearing the suit we picked out?

I thought we were gonna
dress up like twinsies.

I wore this instead.

Yeah, well, I would've
appreciated a little heads-up.

I mean, I look like
an idiot up there, bud.

Okay.

Hey! Don't you walk away from me.

I am talking to you, young man.

(TANDY SINGING IN DISTANCE)

♪ Yeah, ooh. ♪

Thank you so much.

Uh, for my next number, I'm gonna...

- GAIL: Uh... oh.
- (GLASS CLINKING)

CAROL: I'd like to say something.

Mom, you're married.

Who saw that coming? (LAUGHS)

You hated marriage,
and yet, here we are.

So, here's to Gail and Erica.

Now you can spend as
much time as you want

with your stepdaughter,

and none with Mike and Bezequille.

Well said, Carol.

Beautiful.

Hey, Carol.

That was some toast.

Look, I'm not gonna
steal your mom from you.

Well, you can't steal
what's already yours.

She clearly picked you.

This isn't an either/or situation.

Gail is your mom.

Nothing comes between a
mother and her daughter.

As new moms, we both know
that better than anyone.

I guess I never really
thought of it like that.

Besides, we got to stick together.

You're the only person who
knows Gail as well as I do,

with all her little quirks.

Glug, glug, glug.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY)

Yeah, like, her accent always comes out

when she gets really tired.

Or the weird way she writes her Gs.

They're like little sunglasses.

Or how, when she's flossing,

she always gets tired and
gives up after two teeth.

I hadn't noticed that.

You will.

(CAROL LAUGHS)

Well, thanks, Erica.

Hey.

Don't you mean "Mom"?

Thanks, Mom.

What do you say we go back in there?

Hey.

Where's your little friend?

Not sure. Probably off
having more fun by himself.

What happened?

I came on too strong.

Snapped at him.

I think I wanted it too bad.

Well, I think you might have connected

better than you thought.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Nice suit, bud.

Thanks.

Here, let me help you with that.

TANDY: All right,
everyone, please,

uh, gather 'round.

It's time for the
mother-daughter dance.

Well, shall we?

(BOTH LAUGH)

One second.

Well, for what are you waiting?

(CHUCKLES)

♪ Moms, moms, moms ♪

♪ Red lips, fingertips ♪

♪ Daughters, daughters, daughters ♪

♪ At the Mom House
in Fort Daughterdale ♪

♪ Moms, moms, moms ♪