04x08 - Not Appropriate for Miners

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The
Last Man On Earth...

And now with the twins and Dawn,

there's seven ladies
and only three men.

If you want a playdate so bad,

there's an obvious solution.

TODD: Jasper?

You want to hang out or something?

I now pronounce you regular married.

(CAR DOOR OPENS)

Jasper, were you just
driving that limousine?

No.

Uh, I think you were.

Jas-Jasper?

Please come back here when
I'm talking to you, please.

Jasper?

Another please.

(SCOFFS) Okay.

I'll come to you.

(BABY CRYING)

(CRYING CONTINUES)

(SIGHS, SCOFFS)

Finally.

Some peace and quiet.

This is my new favorite room.

Oh, hey. STD, sorry to disturb.

Just be a sec.

You see a box in here
labeled "adult magazines"?

W-Wait, oh, no.

(LAUGHS) It's not what you think.

You know, it was just a bunch
of, like, Economists

and New Yorkers, Audubons.

That kind of fare. Oh!

Here we go. Right here, okay.

Let's see...

Ah, there she is. Okay.

Sorry, excuse me.

Just be right beside you.

And with that, I will get
out of your hair, milady.

(LAUGHS SOFTLY) Have a good day.

Hi, Mom.

I finally finished your wedding present.

Well, let's see it.

Well, you know how people
always say, "It's such a shame

you only get to wear your
wedding jumpsuit dress once"?

Well, now you can wear it every day.

Ta-da!

Erica, don't be jealous.

I'm gonna do yours next.

Oh. I appreciate that, but, actually,

I think I'm gonna
save my dress for Dawn.

- Oh.
- Good Lord, are you already

planning her wedding?

Who the hell are you
gonna marry her off to?

I don't know, we're
kind of short on supply.

- I guess, uh...
- Uh...

- Jasper. (LAUGHS)
- Yep.

- (QUIETLY): Jasper.
- Watch out, Carol.

Erica's already measuring
Jasper for his tuxedo.

You better get in there quick or Mike

and Bezequille are gonna
be the youngest spinsters

in the history of the world.

- (GAIL AND ERICA LAUGH)
- (LAUGHS) Yeah.

Actually, I think Jasper's
gonna be quite the lady-k*ller.

- You know, he came up to Dawn,
- Yeah.

And he gave her a flower the other day.

Did he really?

GAIL: She's a little flirt.

- Just like her mom. (LAUGHS)
- Oh, stop.

(GAIL AND ERICA LAUGH)

(LAUGHS) So cute.

(FIRECRACKERS POPPING)

Jasper, what are you doing?

Nothing.

(SCREAMS) J-Jasper,

did you just put a
firework in that giraffe?

No.

Are you lying?

Yeah.

Well, thank you...

for being honest.

But e-expl*sives

are not appropriate for minors.

They're for adults and miners.

Coal miners.

It-It's a different "miners."

Understood?

Yeah.

Okay, well, th-thank you, Jasper.

- (FIRECRACKER EXPLODES)
- (SCREAMS) Jasper!

What did I just say to
you not five seconds ago?

Okay, you know what?
That's it, you're grounded.

What's "grounded"?

It means that you
have to go to your room

and no video games for a week.

So... come on.

Go to your room.

I'm not gonna ask you twice.

Except this once.

So...

at your leisure...

to your room.

TANDY: Oh, hey, Care Bear.

- I was just about to masturbate.
How goes it with you? - Oh.

I think we made a
mistake having the twins.

- What?
- (GROANS)

Of course I'm happy we had them.

There are just so many
things I never considered.

What do you mean?

Well, I was so focused

on step one of repopulation

that I completely
ignored the next steps.

I mean, think about it.

There are three little
girls in this world

and just one little boy.

Don't you think you're
jumping the g*n here?

I mean, the twins are, like, a week old.

It's just Jasper gave Dawn flowers,

and now Erica's talking about
them getting married, and...

I don't know, I just...

want our girls to be happy, you know?

I want them to be able
to find in someone else

what I found in you.

Hey, I do, too.

But things like this
are out of our control.

You sure about that?

Carol...

I'm not gonna force anything.

That's Erica's deal.

I'm just gonna sit back and
help nature take its course.

Don't you mean let
nature take its course?

Yeah. That's what I said.

I'm gonna let nature take its course.

CAROL: Hey, Jasper.

Got a minute?

(BEZEQUILLE AND MIKE COOING)

You and I haven't spent a lot

of quality time together lately

so I thought we could
catch up over lunch.

- Oh, look.
- (BABIES CRYING)

There's an open seat across
from Mike and Bezequille.

Hmm.

(CAROL CHUCKLES)

You are gonna love this meal.

I took all your favorite things,

macaroni and spray cheese

and ketchup and Pop Tarts,

and I mashed them all together
into one special casserole.

So...

where to begin?

Oh, how about a general
discussion of the flora

and fauna of coastal Mexico? Hmm? Hmm?

(LAUGHING): Oh, no.

Would you look at that?

I completely forgot I
have a prior engagement

that directly conflicts with this lunch.

(SIGHS) You three will
have to continue without me.

No-no-no-no-no, no.

Don't get up. Stay.

Eat.

Get to know each other. (CHUCKLES)

(BABIES COO)

What's going on here?

Um, you know, I thought

it was only fair that the twins
get some face time, too, so...

You know, I'm actually
happy you're here,

because we should probably
figure out a schedule.

A schedule?

Yeah, you know, so Jasper's time

isn't monopolized by any one baby.

You're talking about three newborns

and a nine to -year-old boy.

We can't set them up on dates.

But it's perfectly reasonable
for you to plan Dawn's wedding?

You know what, you do
whatever you want to do,

just leave me and Dawn out of it.

If that's what you want.

Yeah.

And then there were two.

ERICA: Well, Carol is officially

off her trolley.

I just caught her Parent Trapping

Jasper and the twins.

She even tried to get me to agree

to some sort of dating schedule.

- What? No way.
- Yeah.

It's like that silly
little comment I made

about Dawn marrying
Jasper freaked her out.

And you know how she
gets all Carol'd away.

- Yeah, I got some idea.
- I was just so shocked.

I walked away, but I feel
like maybe I should go back

and say something, right?

Shoog,

I've been on this planet a long time,

and I figured out a
couple of universal truths.

One, you cannot domesticate a raccoon.

I don't care how smart
you think that raccoon is.

It's just not happening. And two,

you cannot use logic

to win an argument with Carol Pilbasian.

So just don't let her suck you in.

Yeah, I might be
overthinking this, but, like,

what if her crazy plan somehow
works and Dawn ends up alone

- for the rest of her life
because I didn't... - Erica.

Do not let her suck you in.

Yeah.

CAROL: Limbo.

♪ How low can you go? ♪

Oh, Bezequille, cleared it.

Way to go. Awesome.

Okay, your turn, Jasper.

♪ How low can you go? ♪ (WHOOPS)

♪ How low can you go?

(DEEP VOICE): ♪ How low can you go? ♪

(DEEPER VOICE): ♪ How low can you go? ♪

Peso for your thoughtitos, bud.

You think I'm a pushover, Tandy?

What? With your meaty thighs
and low center of gravity?

No way.

Nah, it's just... (SIGHS)

I've been trying to discipline Jasper,

but he won't listen to a thing I say.

I mean, yesterday, I
told him he was grounded

and he just kind of ignored me.

I buckled like a pilgrim's hat.

Look, bud, as someone
who's been in the Dad game

for over hours, I can tell you

that being a parent is rock hard, okay?

But if you'd like, I could
give you some pointeroos.

Would you, bud?

Try to friggin' stop me, huh?

Okay, so, uh, look, you
be Jasper, I'll be you.

So, uh, say something Jasper would say.

Hmm.

Yeah, I'm really drawing
a blank here, bud.

Yeah.

Hmm, oh, is he, uh, a cookie eater?

Yeah, as much as the next guy, I guess.

Good. So, say, "I want a cookie."

I want a cookie.

Well, you can't have a cookie, right?

End of discussion.

Now go to bed without
brushing your teeth. Come on.

- Hey, but I want a cookie.
- Well, uh,

I'm not gonna say it again, all right?

JK, here it comes. No cookies.

But I really want a...

No cookies!

I said no cookies, right?!

And when I tell you
what to do, you do it!

Because I am the adult,
and you are but a child!

Okay, calm down.

You don't tell me what to do, mister!

I'm older than you, I
know, I've learned things.

I went to college.

I know stuff. Okay?

And it makes me sad when
you treat me like this.

It's a bummer! All right?

I'm probably gonna cry
tonight, and that's on you!

That's on you!

Now I need you to go to your

featherdrubbin' room

and get in your least
favorite pair of jammies.

And I swear to God,

if I even catch you
thinking about cookies,

I am gonna smash your
little bones into dust,

and then I'm gonna make
that dust into a broth,

and then I'm gonna
slurp it down, laughing.

(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)

And you'll be inside of me.

And I will poo you out.

So what do you think?

It's maybe a little harsh.

Yeah, yeah, that's a good note.

It's probably a little
strong for cookies.

Eh, maybe more appropriate
for if-if he were

to ever k*ll someone or
something like that, you know.

But, uh, yeah, the main thing is,

bet you're not thinking
about cookies, are ya?

Not a bit, bud.

I rest my caseload.

Hey, bud, go get your Dad on.

(LAUGHS) Thanks, bud.

(SNIFFS)

Okay, I'm just gonna
go ahead and say it.

I think what you're doing with
Jasper and the twins is wrong.

The matchmaking, the scheduling,

- the makeup?
- Relax.

I'm not doing that anymore.

You're not?

There's no need to.

After you and Dawn officially bowed out,

Jasper and the twins'
relationship just blossomed.

Relationship?

Yeah. It's totally taken
on a life of its own.

It's like I'm barely a part of it now.

He even gave each of them
a stuffed animal. (LAUGHS)

Carol, are you just saying
this to get back at me?

Why would I want to get back at you?

None of this would've been possible

if you hadn't pulled
Dawn out of the running.

I'm just so thrilled that

you didn't think Dawn having
romantic love in her life

was that important, 'cause it
just made things so much easier.

- (BABY CRYING)
- Oh. Being a mom, huh?

(LAUGHS)

You get it.

Hey. Thank you, Erica.

(CRYING CONTINUES)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Let it go.

Do not let her suck you in.

Do not let her...

Hey, Jasper.

Got a minute?

Wow.

That looks like fun.

You know what else is fun?

Taking your time.

Not being in a rush.

You know, just being a kid.

Look, you have your whole life

ahead of you and so many options.

I mean, Mike and Bezequille are great.

And, obviously, Dawn's in the mix.

She thinks you're fantastic,
by the way. Actually,

it was her idea to
give you that go-kart.

("In Your Eyes" by
Peter Gabriel playing)

♪ Love ♪

♪ I get so lost sometimes ♪

Carol.

- Just ignore her, Jasper.
- (GO-KART ENGINE RUNNING)

Jasper?

Jasper!

Come back!

Jasper, over here!

TODD: Jasper, in the house now!

♪ When I want to run away ♪

♪ I drive off in my... ♪

Wow. Just wow.

You know, mind blown.

I mean, you care to tell
me what you did wrong here,

or would you like me
to let you know for me?

- Okay.
- (SCOFFS) That doesn't answer the...

Okay, you know what?

I have tried being Mr. Nice Guy,

but you have backed me into
a corner disciplinarially,

and I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to start putting my foot down.

That first foot's gonna start

with this video game. Give me that.

It's mine now.

That's right!

You march straight to your room, mister.

Uh, excuse me? Room's the other way.

Y-Yeah, good, take the long way.

Give you plenty of time to
think about what you done.

God, I suck at this!

(DOOR OPENS)

Hey, bud.

Is something wrong?

What was that all about?

What was what all about?

I thought you were done matchmaking.

And I thought you
weren't getting involved.

I'm only getting involved to
cancel out your involvement.

So, the involvement canceler

becomes the involvement cancelee.

- What does that even mean?
- Where the heck is Tandy?

We're a little busy right now.

Someone call my name?

You. Thanks for the advice.

- You're welcome, bud. How'd it go?
- Great.

I tried to put my foot down.
It landed squarely in my mouth.

- Oh, bud.
- No,

don't "oh, bud" me. Jasper hates me now.

- Thanks a lot.
- Could you guys wrap it up?

Carol and I were fighting in here first.

You know what? On that subject,

I've got a bone to pick with you,

Ms. Go-Kart Enabler.

Ooh, yes, that is dirty poker.

I can't let a young man drive a car

specifically designed for young men?

No, not when that young man is grounded.

You didn't quite put your
foot down enough, huh, bud?

I put it down very hard!

Let's just keep it down.
The twins are sleeping.

ERICA: Oh, they're probably exhausted

from their speed dating session today.

Dawn speed dated, too, Erica.

I told you not to go and get sucked in.

I do not need to be
patronized right now, Gail.

Listen to Mom, Mom.

I think you're acting
like a nutjob, too.

- Mom?!
- TODD: Oh, if you're looking

for nutjobs, I know a place
where you can find one.

You did not just say that.

- Yes, I did.
- How dare you!

(CAROL, TANDY, ERICA
AND TODD CROSS ARGUING)

TANDY: That's where I draw the line!

Idiots.

Guys.

- (ARGUING CONTINUES)
- Guys!

- What the hell is wrong with you?
- Melissa, can this wait?

Every single one of us is
in the middle of something.

No, it cannot.

Do you guys realize what you're doing?

There is a little boy out there

who's confused and freaked
out because all the people

he thinks he can trust
in the world are acting

like raving lunatics.

Guys, he is a nine to -year-old boy.

Melissa, he's not just a
nine to -year-old boy,

He's the last
nine to -year-old boy.

And that changes everything.

Only if we let it.

Look, Jasper is never gonna
have a normal childhood.

Okay, he's never gonna go to school

or play Little League

or-or have a crush on a girl
he hasn't known since birth.

And yeah, he doesn't
know what he's missing.

But we do.

And that's why we have
to make sure we give him

just a piece of the childhood
that was taken from him.

Maybe we can start with an apology.

Jasper, we're so sorry...

Oh, farts.

Jasper!

Oh! There he is.

- JK. Bad time.
- Come on.

- Jasper!
- Jasper!

(SIGHS) This is all my fault.

- Don't say that, bud.
- No.

The way I was acting was so off-brand.

That wasn't me, and I
should have known better.

Bud, this isn't on you.

This is on me, right?

As the de facto and basically
facto leader of this group,

I should've given you better advice.

Right, you don't get mad at the sheep.

Get mad at the shepherd.

Thanks, bud.

Hey.

Little friendship kiss?

Of course.

That's the stuff.

Jasper!

- Jasper!
- Jasper!

CAROL: Jasper!

ERICA: Jasper!

I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault.

No, it's mine.

I totally lost my mind today.

Just kept imagining
Dawn all alone, and...

I snapped.

GAIL: Motherhood makes
you do some crazy stuff.

I once punched a mom

'cause she asked if my kid's pants

were from Mervyn's.

She meant it as a compliment, but...

it just set me off.

- Full disclosure, they were.
- Hmm.

Point is...

your kids are your life.

We'll find him.

(SIREN WAILING)

You hear that?

It must be Jasper.

TANDY: Yeah.

(SIREN CONTINUES WAILING)

(SIREN STOPS)

Well, it's definitely
coming from in there.

We found him.