04x12 - Señor Clean

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

- I'm a cannibal.
- I'm going to get Jasper.

You knew where Jasper
was this whole time?

- You know what you need to do.
- We have to k*ll him.

TANDY: I took the liberty
of cutting up some straws.

(GASPS) Got it!

I can't do... (GASPS)

So?

I did it.

You k*lled him?

Oh, yeah.

I don't even remember
pulling the trigger.

I mean, my back was
still to him, you know?

And then I heard a popping sound.

Uh, the g*n must have
just discharged early.

Your g*n discharged early?

Gail, this is not the time
for a hurtful sexual joke.

We're talking about a man's life here.

And Carol and I have been
working through that problem.

- Yeah.
- Anyway...

- So you weren't even aiming at him?
- Yeah.

But, I mean, it must have
ricocheted off something

and hit him, 'cause
when I turned around,

he was majorly dead.

You know, lower body
still relatively intact.

Upper body just went full
Houdini on me, though.

You know, just disappeared.
Not there anymore.

- (GROANING)
- Oh, you're...

(CHUCKLES) You're telling me.
I mean, the whole room looks

like a Thanksgiving toilet
after a turkey recall.

- Just spattered. Warped.
- (GROANING)

- Gross. Well, it just doesn't add up.
- Look, maybe it'll help

if I take you through
an improvised recreation

of the events.

So, obviously, I opened

with your standard vase-based
practice sh*t. (MIMICS g*nsh*t)

(GASPING)

Then, from the other
room, I heard Carol say...

(NASALLY): "Is it over?"

- Is it over?
- To which I replied...

(DEEP VOICE): "Practice
sh*t. Doing it now."

And then a poignant final good-bye.

And then I counted off ten paces.

One,

two,

three,

four, blah, blah, blah...

Yeah.

Six,

seven,

eight, nine,

ten.

g*n went off. (MIMICS g*nsh*t)

Thanksgiving toilet.

Maybe it'll make more sense
if we go to the actual room.

- Come on.
- (GASPING)

- (GROANING)
- TODD: Oh, my God.

No, we'll take your
word for it. Thank you.

I k*lled him.

♪ Hungry eyes ♪

♪ I see the magic
between you and I ♪

♪ Hungry eyes. ♪

A fitting tribute.

We're gathered here today
to lay rest to most of Karl.

As we all know, he was
a very complex person.

So we bury him in two separate caskets

as a symbol of the two
starkly contrasting sides

of his personality.

One of those sides

was solid, kinda together.

The other side was just a friggin' mess,

yeah, as represented by this
loose bag of human bric-a-brac

that we cobbled
together off the curtains

and rugs and floors and such.

Karl, we send you our thoughts

and prayers as you hurtle, screaming,

on your terrifying journey to Hell.

Heck, you're probably chewing
on Bill Cosby's gallbladder

right now,

washing it down with
a warm cup of diarrhea.

I don't know much about cannibalism.

I assume that's how it works.

Back to the matter at hand.

Lucifer, it's me again.

Please take care of our Karl.

He was a gentle k*ller

who, uh, tried very hard
not to eat his friends.

Upside-down amen.

Now, is there

anything that anybody'd
like to say about Karl?

Um...

Karl,

in case you need a snack

on your unholy journey,

I collected some of Tandy's
dandruff and foot skin flakes.

I sprinkle them over you now.

Um...

I'm sorry you had to die.

Um, but you are a people eater,

and I couldn't risk you eating my baby.

Well said, Erica.

That job belongs to dingoes.

National tragedy, but... it's fine.

Anybody else?

I'd like to say a few words.

I've been thinking.

For the first time since the
virus took our world away,

I've been really happy.

Like happy to the point

that I almost forgot what life was like

when there were people around.

But then Karl came,

and he threatened to take
all of that away from me.

So I just want to say,

thank you, Tandy.

You were right about Karl,

and I was too stubborn to see it.

And I just want you to know

that we all owe you a debt of gratitude,

and that will not soon be forgotten.

- Uh, uh...
- Oh,

and, you know, I just also want to say

that it's really refreshing

to see you listen to me

and not have to just jump
right in and toot your own horn

or do that dumb little
nose laugh thing you do.

(BREATHY CHUCKLE)

I don't do that.

Oh, you do. Y'all just do your Tandy.

(BREATHY CHUCKLING)

(CHUCKLES) What?

You've really changed.

So, keep it up.

(STAMMERS)

I don't know what to say. I, uh...

Let's see what else I have here. Uh...

Wouldn't you know it,

on every single card, it just says,

"Hey, you guys are the heroes.

"I'm just a mirror

reflecting your heroism."

That's what they all
say. You can read it.

♪ Amazing grace ♪

♪ How sweet the sound ♪

♪ That saved a wretch ♪

♪ Like him and him. ♪

(LAUGHING)

Oooh.

Oh my God!

Oh, Carol. I mean,

you saw it. She was,
like, gushing with praise.

- Oh, she absolutely was.
- And I was just frozen.

I couldn't believe it. I was like...

I mean, you saw it.

I did. I was taken aback.

I was taken several backs.

- I was like this...
- I saw you.

But I couldn't move. It was like...

And I was like...

(HIGH-PITCHED): I can't do it.

(HIGH-PITCHED): I can't move.

(BOTH LAUGH)

- (EXHALES)
- Tandy,

this is a huge breakthrough.

(SCOFFS) I don't know
about that, Care Bear.

I-I mean, obviously,

the rest of the group
really admires me, but...

Understatement of the century.

But for Gail...

you know, I think it's still
just, like, a very deep respect.

But, hey, I mean, that's not nothing.

Maybe it could be
not not nothing.

You mean... something?

You keep this up,

Gail's gonna go from
being your mother-in-law

to a mother-in-awe.

And that would be great,

but that's not what
this is about, Carol.

This is about me being
the best Tandy I can be

for no other reason than
it just feels really good.

Aw.

Carol, what's happening to me?

You k*lled a man.

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

I should m*rder people more often.

And there we go.

Come on, Todd.

Just 'cause we're in a little fight

doesn't mean you need to sleep out here.

Oh, this isn't for me. This is for you.

It's the liar's couch.

That's a chair.

Congratulations.

Now you know what it
feels like to be lied to.

Fine, Todd.

I am sorry I didn't
tell you about Jasper.

Oh, she's sorry.

I made a promise to him.

Y-You knew I was out there
looking for him, worried sick.

I mean, when were you
planning on letting me know?

Do you think I wanted
to be in this position?

Lying to everyone?

I don't know.

All I was trying to do was to make sure

that nine-to- -year-old
little boy had a lifeline

so that we didn't lose him altogether.

I made a promise.

I know, and I'm-I'm...

Geez, I'm sorry.

- (SIGHS)
- Really, I'm-I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, too.

Well, I'm glad we settled that. (LAUGHS)

So, where is he?

- Todd.
- What?

You know I can't tell you that.

Why?

We just went over this!

Well, then I bid you good night!

Okay? Sweet nightmares!

Enjoy your chair bed!

Ridiculous.

(SIGHS)

CAROL (CHUCKLING): Wow.

Oh.

What's going on in here?

Eh, just doing a little cleanup.

You cleaned up this whole room?

Well, I had a little
help from Señor Clean.

Tandy Miller, what's gotten into you?

It looks like the Tandy-man

has become the handyman.

Hey, gals.

Come on, cut it out.

We all would have done the same thing.

- It's no big deal.
- GAIL: Wait.

(SCOFFS) Did you just say "no big deal"

instead of saying "NBD"

or "nizzle bizzle dizzy"?

(LAUGHS) Fresh pot of
coffee on the table.

Help yourself.

Um, Tandy,

do we have any creamer?

Creamer? (CHUCKLES)

- No, I don't think that we do, no.
- Wait, Tandy.

Come on. Really listen to me.

Do we have any cream... her?

Sorry, no.

I can pop out to the store.

ERICA: Come on, Tandy.
You know what she's saying.

Gail, set me up.

Erica, do we have any creamer?

Creamer? I hardly knew her.

Boom! Doy, duh.

(LAUGHS) That's very funny.

But, look, I should
probably just keep focused

on the task at hand.

Oh, Gail, can you pass me that
cleaner-no-further-comment?

Thank you.

(SLURRING): You're going
to see him, aren't you?

- (EXHALES) You scared me.
- Oh.

You were scared?

In the... in the
comfort of your own home?

I wonder how a boy
alone in the woods feels.

Todd, it's : a.m.
What are you drinking?

Well, I wish it was poison.

But if you must know,
it's Bud Light Lime, rocks.

And I'm already two deep.

Ah.

I'm coming with you.

We talked about this.

Melissa, look, this craziness
has gone on long enough.

I'm coming with you. I'm
not taking no for an answer.

- No.
- Fine!

What are you doing?

Well, uh, people have been complaining

about the dirty diaper pile,

so I decided to do something about it.

And balloons is your answer?

That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.

I don't know. It smells better already.

Looks kind of fun.

I'm on board.

Thanks, G Spot.

(LAUGHS) G Spot?

Tandy Miller, do you know

they used to call me
that in high school?

TANDY: What?

Two years ago?

Now, you're gonna
make me blush. (LAUGHS)

Hey, where you going

with that cooler, hon?

Gail, you know exactly where I'm going.

So, if you want to give
me any crap, just save it.

Melissa?

What?

Go to him.

G Spot, you want to do one?

- Duh.
- Well, get in here, girl.

(LAUGHING)

No I'm being serious.

Blue raspberry's not a real flavor.

The Pop-Tart people just made it up.

(LAUGHS)

Scored you some new comic books.

Thanks.

MELISSA: So, I have
to tell you something.

The others found out I know.

What?

There was this really big emergency,

and this guy was trying to eat us,

and then Tandy exploded him.

There was blood and guts everywhere.

Really gross. You would have loved it.

Anyway, I had to tell them,

so they're all really mad at me.

Because they just really miss you.

Especially Todd.

But I won't tell them.

I won't tell them where you are
if you don't want me to. Okay?

Just keep bringing you Pop-Tarts.

(BOTH LAUGH)

MELISSA: Such a healthy diet.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Come in.

What are you all dressed up for?

- I have a date.
- Oh, yeah?

What are you getting your bad self into?

I'm having a drink...

with my mother-in-law.

What do you say, G Spot?

Well, hooty!

Yeah, let's do it!

- Really?
- Yeah.

- What the hell, Todd?
- Look, I can explain.

There he is. You want to talk
to him so bad, go talk to him.

- No, I... I shouldn't.
- Then why did you come here?

Look, I wanted to talk to him, okay?

- (SIGHS)
- But then I saw you with him,

and I realized he doesn't trust me

like he trusts you.

(LAUGHING): All I do is freak him out.

And you...

you're really good with him.

(SIGHS)

- What?
- It's just funny, you know.

I want to be a dad so bad,

but I just keep chunking it.

You... you hate the idea of
being a mom, but you're...

- Todd.
- I'm just saying.

- Well, don't.
- All right.

Look, don't worry. I've
given up on being a dad.

You have?

Yeah, it's just not
in the cards, you know.

I can still be an uncle.

You know, uncle's not bad.

There are some perks.

You know? All the good stuff,
none of the responsibilities.

And that's enough for you?

I guess it's gonna have to be.

Come on, let's go.

(GAIL LAUGHS LOUDLY)

(BOTH LAUGHING)

You want another sh*t?

Hit me.

(TANDY CHUCKLES)

(GAIL INHALES DEEPLY)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE): Oh, boy!

Yeah, that's fantastic!

G Spot represent!

(LAUGHING)

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE):
♪ Gary, Indiana ♪

♪ Gary, Indiana, Gary, Indiana! ♪

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(TANDY INHALES)

(IN NORMAL VOICE): Hey, you know what?

I'm having a really nice time with you.

(CRIES, SNIFFLES)

Tandy, what's wrong?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE):
That just means a lot

to hear you say that.

(IN NORMAL VOICE): It's
no secret. You and I have

gone through some rough
patches with our relationship.

But it feels like we're in a
really good place right now,

and that's important to me, you know?

Why do you care so much what I think?

Guess I'm just not
used to getting praise.

You know, growing up, my brother
always got all the attention.

He was a real overachiever.

My parents just ate it up.

It's like I wasn't even there.

So that's why, at the funeral,

when you told me I did good,

oh, man, it just made me feel like...

Like I finally made
the fridge, you know?

You've come a long way since Tucson.

And you know what?

I bet, if your parents were still alive,

they'd be just as proud of you as I am.

Your friendship means a lot to me.

Oh, come on.

Who are we kidding? Friends?

Oh, after all we've been through,

we're way more than just friends.

You get me?

Uh, yeah. Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Um, you know, I...

I, uh... I should, uh, probably
get back to my wife Carol.

You don't want a little more wine?

Mm, I don't think that'd
be a good idea. (LAUGHS)

CAROL: I'm thoroughly positive

that Bezequille's birthmark is growing,

but the Pilbasians always go

through a birthmark growth phase.

Waxing during the baby phase,

and then waning as toddlers,

and then really kicking into
high gear during puberty.

I see.

CAROL: Oh, Tandy.

I was having the most
interesting chat with Gail.

And, uh, let me guess.

Did it happen to include

how your mother wants
to have sex with me?

- Oh, Lord.
- What?

I should've seen it coming, Carol.

I mean, that whole put-on
at the funeral was all

just a long con to get at my dong.

A funeral, Gail?

That's where you like
to cruise for meat, huh?

Tandy, what the hell
are you talking about?

I could ask you the same
question, couldn't I?

To think I used to look
at you like a mother!

And then you started with the
innuendo and the hand play.

Tried to take us back to the
moment where we first met.

When the drinks were flowing

and skinny-dipping was
the topic of the day.

Well, I got the skinny for you, Gail.

The dip you once knew is married.

To your daughter!

And there's not gonna be
any funny business between us

'cause I haven't wanted to
see you naked for a long time,

and dreams don't count, okay?

You can't control those,
and I will not be held

(STAMMERING): responsible
for... them, okay?

And to think...

I called you G Spot

when all along, I was
staring right at a b-hole.

You're such an idiot.

(SIGHS) You two have fun.

Well, uh, i-if that's
a threesome proposition,

I will never accept
without Carol's blessing!

And I'm against you doing
a twosome with each other,

just to be clear!

(SIGHS)

Sounds to me like you
misunderstood something.

She'll get over it, Carol.

They always do.

Okay, so I've been
doing a lot of thinking,

and I've come to a decision.

(SIGHS)

I want you to have a baby.

What?

You are always gonna want to have kids,

and I never will, so,

if we're gonna get past this,
I'm going to have to compromise.

(LAUGHING): I-I don't know what to say!

Well, it's a big decision,

so there's a lot of
stuff for us to discuss.

(LAUGHING): What's to
discuss, hon? Let's do this!

Whoa, whoa, easy there.
I'm not having a baby.

- You... you just said that...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

This is your deal, okay?

I'm just gonna be the wife
of a guy who has a kid.

I mean, like you said earlier,
I don't want to be the mom.

I just want to be the aunt.

Okay, well, I... I'm-I'm confused.

(LAUGHING): I mean, there's a...

serious biological
impediment here, you know?

Not necessarily.

Thank you so much for
taking time out of your day.

- Yeah.
- Um, the reason we are here is that we...

Well, we have a question for you.

We have a question for you.