04x16 - The Blob

[bunniefuu]

Previously on The Last Man on Earth...

Since we started trying to have a baby,

I haven't been myself.

- I'm pregnant.
- MIKE: Uh, this is

thermal imaging.

It uses satellites to
find heat signatures.

What the hell?

(INTRO TO "CAN'T FIGHT
THIS FEELING" PLAYS)

(CAROL GASPS SOFTLY)

Uh, that's where you're
supposed to start.

Oh. Sorry. I was just distracted

by the beautiful word-highlighting.

No, no, no. I could...
I could tell that, sure.

- Yeah.
- Here. I'll rewind it for you.

- (BEEPS)
- CAROL: You just

- give me a signal when to begin.
- Okay.

And also, the highlighting
of the words is the signal

that the machine gives, so...

Hmm.

What? Oh, now? Now?

- Yeah. Yes. Yes.
- Oh, okay.

(OUT OF SYNC): ♪ I can't
fight this feeling any longer ♪

♪ And yet I'm still
afraid to let it flow ♪

♪ What started out as friendship
has grown stronger... ♪

Okay. Uh, uh, uh, uh...

- (BEEPS)
- Carol, what... what was that?

Oh, I was singing it to
the tune of "Jingle Bells."

Well, could you please sing to the tune

of "Can't Fight This Feeling"?

- Oh, that's not very fun.
- (SCOFFS)

And it's out of my register.

God, this just isn't
the same without Mike.

Now, okay, that came out wrong.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm
just worried about him.

He won't come out of his truck.

Well, he just needs some time
to learn to be with people again.

Don't worry. He'll come around.

I hope so. Thanks, Care Bear.

Hey, let's try it again, and this time,

- just sing whatever,
- (BEEPS, SONG INTRO PLAYS)

whenever, okay?

I might just read it.

Yeah. You know what?
I'm gonna make a snack.

- Yeah?
- You tell me how it turns out.

Okay.

("CAN'T FIGHT THIS FEELING"
INSTRUMENTAL CONTINUES PLAYING)

Oh, I think they might get together.

Hey, Erica.

Just getting a jump on the nursery.

What? You're going with yellow?

Yeah. Yellow triggers heightened levels

of motivation and self-confidence.

It's also great for memory retention.

Did you ever consider... blue?

Well, I... Don't you think
that's leaning pretty heavily

in one gender direction?

Don't you think yellow's

leaning pretty heavily
in the urine direction?

Geez, excuse me. I was just
trying to help, you know.

No, I mean, don't get defensive. I...

Well, you just att*cked
the color I chose.

You know, I went into survival mode.

Relax. I'm just saying if we're
going to co-parent together,

maybe don't leave me
out of these decisions.

Fine. Okay. What color would you like?

- I like blue.
- I like yellow.

(SIGHS)

Okay, well, obvious solution here.

- You like yellow, I like blue.
- Right.

So let's just go with green.

Green?

Green it is.

- Great.
- Green.

(QUIETLY): Ridiculous.

(LOUD CRUNCHING)

Carol, what the hell are we eating?

It's called "fake-a-mole."

We're out of avocados, so I
just whipped up some oatmeal,

added brown rice for mouth-feel,

then blended in some green
food coloring, you know,

for visual titillation.

And the uncooked pasta?

Hmm. "Fake-atilla chips."

We're out of tortilla
chips, so... dig in, huh?

- (LOUD CRUNCHING)
- MELISSA: Well,

no disrespect, but I think
I'm gonna fake-a eat this.

Okay, you know what?
I'm doing the best I can.

We are pretty much out of everything.

Who's supposed to go
on the next supply run?

Well, according to the chore
wheel, it's Gail and Melissa,

and they were supposed
to do it yesterday.

Well, don't look at me.

I didn't even know we
had a chore wheel.

- Catch us on the next spin, I guess.
- CAROL: No.

We all have to pitch in.

- Come on, guys.
- Yeah. This is ridiculous.

- Okay, fine. Geez.
- We'll go.

(SPUTTERS) Hi, guys. Sorry I'm late.

You hanging in your truck,
checking out your blobs?

CAROL: Tandy, no coarse language

at the table.

And if you have to, use
the scientific term: gonads.

Oh, no, no, no, Carol.

He's talking about my
thermal imaging machine,

which I use to locate heat signatures.

TANDY: Uh, let me explain.
It's like the Predator.

You know, like how
the... He sees the world?

The Predator sees the world? You know?

Like if a-a tiger jumps
out of a jungle bush.

Uh, Predator doesn't see a tiger.

He sees more, like, a
bunch of colors, you know?

You know, but he-he
still knows it's a tiger.

You guys seen Predator?

ALL: No.

Okay, Mike, you better explain this.

Uh, yeah. It's like a
metal detector for heat.

- ALL: Oh!
- I was gonna do that one next.

- TODD: Oh, that's cool.
- Yeah.

Y-You find anything on there, or...?

Yeah. Just last night, I saw something

unlike anything I'd ever
seen on there before.

What is it?

Well, I-I'm not really sure.

You know, uh, your
typical volcano is what...

I don't know... ,
degrees Fahrenheit?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH) Yup.

Yeah, right?

Uh, and this thing's
clocking in at degrees,

which is noteworthy because the
human body temperature is . .

(CAROL GASPS)

- TODD: Oh.
- ERICA: Wait.

Are you saying it's people?

No. I mean, it could be a
million things, you know.

It could be a, what, a
geyser, or, uh, you know,

just some trapped methane, you know.

A bunch of geese, maybe.

Guess I'll, uh, find out tomorrow.

Tomorrow? What...?
What-what do you mean?

Oh. I'm leaving.

What's up?

You just got here, Mike,

and you're already leaving?

No, it's miles away. I'll
be back before you know it.

Uh, gas is unreliable,
we're in a foreign country.

No AAA.

You know as well as I do

that miles in this
world isn't really miles.

I got to go see this thing, man.

I got to check it out.

I mean, sure, it's probably nothing,

but, I mean, what if it isn't, okay?

Come on, man. It's too
dangerous, especially alone.

Come with me then.

I can't leave Carol right now.

I mean, she's super
pregnant, and the twins.

Look, I'm begging you.

Okay, fine.

I won't go.

(SIGHS)

CAROL: So this map shows all the markets

in a -mile radius.

What do the smiley faces mean?

Well, smiley faces look
sort of sinister to me,

so they represent all the stores
that don't have any more food.

So, the rainbows represent
the stores we should go to?

No, those are just rainbows. (LAUGHS)

Just tell us where we should go.

Well, your best bet is probably

this area... over here.

- Hmm.
- CAROL: Okay? You gals

think you can handle this?

Carol, you can count on us.

How long you think we need to be gone?

Five hours. Pull.

Think that we should
go to at least one store

so we can honestly say we
tried to look for supplies?

No. Pull.

Going somewhere?

What the hell are you doing?

Keeping you honest, you
friggin' donkey dong.

What if I didn't see you?

I would've k*lled
you, you friggin' turd.

You already did k*ll me, Mike.

In my heart.

You lied to me.

You said you were gonna
stay, and you lied!

Oh, come on. What is the big deal?

I'm gonna be gone for, like, three days.

I'm saving your life, Mike.

Traveling this distance alone,

one little mistake, and you're dead.

I orbited the friggin' Earth, Phil!

I'm pretty sure I can handle a truck

on a bunch of paved roads.

Fine! Go. But you're gonna have to drive

over my face and head in the process.

You know what? That'll
probably improve your looks.

Oh! Is that a joke about how ugly I am?

No, it's a very serious statement

- about how ugly you are.
- How dare you.

All right, see you later.
I'm gonna pop your head

- and hit the road.
- Oh, good!

Have fun k*lling me!

Have fun getting k*lled by me!

Hey, tell Carol I want an open casket

so everyone can see what
you did to your own brother!

An open casket will make it a lot easier

to take a dump on your dead chest!

Oh, you're a monster!

I can't wait to teach
your babies how to smoke!

Oh, you did not just say
that right before my death!

Relax, your head's

probably fat enough that you'll survive.

- So, you gonna do this or what?
- Yeah, I'm gonna do it!

- You don't have the guts!
- Oh, yeah?

Watch me!

Do it!

- I'm gonna do it!
- (ENGINE REVVING)

Stop talking about it and do it!

I'm in the friggin' process!

Crush my face!

- End me!
- I am gonna do it!

Take my head and feed
it to the driveway!

I'm gonna squash your head like a zit!

- Carol, good-bye! I love you!
- I'm gonna do it!

- I'm gonna do it! I'm gonna do it!
- Do it!

- Do it!
- Get ready! You're gonna die!

- I'm gonna do it!
- (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Ah. Oh, thank God.

You made the right call.

See you in the morning, bud.

MIKE: Go to hell.

MIKE: Morning, Phil.

Whatcha doing?

Cleaning out the fireplace.

By hand?

It's why it's so clean.

Hmm. May I see your index finger?

(SCOFFS)

Phil, I'm... curious.

Do you have any idea where my keys are?

Do I have any idea where your keys are?

Look, things got a little
heated last night, but, uh...

well, after thinking about
it, I realize you were right.

(LAUGHS FORCEDLY)

Nice try.

No, I'm not trying to do anything here.

Oh, so I guess you're just
kissing my buns all up and down

for gits and shiggles.

No, I just want to thank you
for talking some sense into me.

So you think if you're nice enough,

you might just get your keys back.

So you do know where my keys are.

Okay, whatever.

Not going anywhere anyway, so...

You want to go outside, d*ck around?

Do I want to go d*ck around?

No.

Suit yourself.

Friggin' idiot.

(CHUCKLES) Erica, do you like

- this onesie?
- No.

Okay, y'all. Very, very funny.

You got your ya-ya's out.

Now spill the beans.

- Who did it?
- Who did what?

Who went and took all the supplies

we worked so hard to get?

I mean, we literally worked all day

- to get those supplies.
- Yeah.

We put 'em in the pantry
while y'all were asleep,

and now they're gone.

Hell of a thank-you for
all of our tireless work.

So much toil.

You should see all the
calluses we have on our hands.

- Check this out, Gail.
- Oh, God. Oh, my God.

I've never seen so many calluses,

and I have just as many, if not more.

Ugh! Ah, it's like looking
at the surface of the moon.

So, how many stores did you go to?

- .
- .

So you're sticking with this story?

Because it's literally
what happened, Erica.

Lit-er-ally.

Well...

Todd, are you okay?

(CRYING): I just feel

like I'm being lied to. You know?

And it's really hurting my heart

because we're all in
this together, guys.

I mean, do you see this woman?

She's bringing a life into this world.

And she needed those supplies

for herself and her baby.

Now, you sure you're
telling me the truth?

We went to zero stores.

I just sh*t my g*ns.

And I drank a tankload of wine.

Now go on and get those supplies.

(CONTINUES CRYING)

(STAMMERS) On our way.

We're so sorry.

(STOPS CRYING)

Well, I think that worked pretty well.

Huh.

You left the seven.

And half the three.

MIKE: Want to help me pick up the spare?

You got this!

- You got this, bud!
- Here I come.

- What? No! Hey!
- Gutter ball.

No, not cool.

Here I come!

- Ah, you missed me. Missed me.
- No, no! Come on!

You moved!

You turd... ow!

Sir, I saw your last roll.

- I just want to commend you.
- Thank you very much.

- Absolutely. No...
- I appreciate it.

(SCREAMING)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

All right, buddy, let's
go. It's your turn.

Will you please give me a moment?

I am having a three-way, sir.

(YELLING)

(YELPS)

(LAUGHS)

- Uh-oh. No.
- (YELLS)

(LAUGHS)

MIKE/TANDY: ♪ Of the... ♪

(HARMONIZING): ♪ Brave... ♪

Yeah.

- (LAUGHING)
- Hey, uh,

- that was fun out there.
- Yeah.

Yeah. Um...

Whoa, you, uh... you got
something on your nose.

You got a little...

- Oh, really?
- Yeah. Right there on the end.

I get it?

- Yeah, now you got it.
- Okay. All right.

- Have a good night.
- Night. Hey, Mike.

Hmm?

Want to see something cool?

I still can't believe I did this.

Well, I should get to bed.

Okay. Night, bud.

So, you're still gonna go.

(SNIFFS)

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

What is it with you, Mike?

I mean, every time
you show up in my life,

- you can't wait to leave.
- Oh, that is not true.

Oh, come on, admit it.

- You don't like me, and you never have.
- Okay, fine!

Phil, you want the truth?

Oh, no, no! What gave you that idea?!

It is hard for me to be around you.

Was that so hard to say? Huh?
'Cause I knew it all along!

I have never been good enough.

For you.

For Mom and Dad.

You know, not smart enough,
not successful enough.

And even now that there are only
people left on this planet,

you would rather leave...
than to have to watch

the embarrassment that is your brother.

No. No, it's not any of that at all.

Oh, then what the hell is it?

I'm jealous of you, Phil!

I'm jealous.

I want what you have.

You've got a wife, you know?

And kids. You have a family.

You have a real family.

It's all I've ever wanted.

What have I got?

I-I've got a blob on a computer screen.

It's not people. I know
that, you know that.

Of course it's not people.

But, damn, man, I got to find
that out for myself, okay?

Do you understand that? I have
to go check it out, for me.

I'm leaving in the morning, all right?

And if you love me...

just let me go.

Now what?

Just wanted to wish you a safe trip.

Thank you.

I have something for you.

(SIGHS)

Me.

I'm coming with you.

But-but what...

what about Carol and the kids?

She said it's fine.

On one condition.

♪ Take this sinking boat ♪

♪ And point it home ♪

♪ We still got time ♪

♪ Raise your hopeful voice ♪

♪ You have a choice ♪

♪ You've made it now. ♪

I love it.

CAROL: Oh...

it's perfect.

The twins won't even know you're gone.

(GASPS) Ooh, a rattail.

(TRILLING)

Ah, yeah.

That's a sweet dream guarantee.

Okay, I'll leave this.

Yeah, just leave it on the ground.

Oh, Tandy.

Give Mama a little taste.

Thanks, Care Bear.

TODD: Hey.

What are you doing?

I suddenly realized

this room would look
really great in yellow.

Someone told me it helps with memory.

- I can't remember who.
- Well, don't get me wrong,

I really like yellow, but, uh...

I had...

a little epiphany.

Um, walls in yellow, trim in blue?

Works for me.

(LAUGHS)

You need a hand?

Sure.

Sorry, had to grab some
snacks for the road.

- That's all right.
- Uh, I've got a lemonade here

with your name on it if you get thirsty.

When did they start putting
lemonade in fruit punch bottles?

(CHUCKLES) Trust me,
it's, uh, lemonade. Yeah.

Nah, I'm good for now.

All right.

Well, then I'll just
enjoy it for right now.

Mmm. It's good.

- You sure? It's very good.
- Good. Yeah, no.

What do you say we get
this show on the road, huh?

Yeah.

Ooh.

Good choice.

(SINGING ALONG): ♪ I can't
fight this feeling any longer ♪

♪ Yet I'm still
afraid to let it flow ♪

♪ What started out as friendship ♪

(FADING): ♪ Has grown stronger... ♪

(QUIETLY): All right.

Oh, geez. Crappy wall.

He dead.