04x17 - Barbara Ann

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Last Man on Earth". Aired: October 2011 to present.*
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Phil Miller was once just an average guy who loved his family and hated his job at the bank - now he's humanity's last hope. Will he ever find another person alive on the planet? Would hoping that she is a female be asking too much?
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04x17 - Barbara Ann

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on The Last Man On Earth.

- So you're still gonna go.
- I'm jealous of you, Phil!

You have a real family. I've
got a blob on a computer screen.

It's not people, but, damn, man.

I got to find that
out for myself.


I'm coming with you.

Oh, my God.

ERICA: Hey, Todd.

What's going on?

Uh, nothing in-in fact.

You know, j-just, uh,
taking a little break.

You know, doing a little wall lean.

- What's that smell?
- What smell?

The overwhelming one
currently in the room.

Oh-oh, that-that smell.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, oh, you know...

Look, Erica, I'm not gonna lie to you.

I farted.

Yeah, this is one of those
weird cases where, you know,

you smelt it but I'm
the one who dealt it.

You know, it was...
It's a real axiom buster.

- Yeah. (EXHALES)
- You might want to keep it moving.

You know, 'cause, uh, fart-wise,

I got a real packed house in here.

It's, uh, standing room only, you know?

Got a real, uh, Deuce Bigelow
in the ole staging area.

I-I have a feeling it's gonna
continue throughout the day,

you know, so you might
want to spread the word

to the others to just
stay away from this room.

You know, till I give the all clear.

- Well, good luck with that.
- (LAUGHS) Don't need luck.

Just time and gravity.

Catch ya later.

Okay.

(LATCH CLICKS)

Ugh, God.

Oh, my God.

TANDY AND MIKE: ♪ From ev-e-ry ♪

♪ Mountainside ♪

♪ Let freedom ring. ♪

- (WHOOPS)
- (LAUGHS)

Yes.

Hey, uh, got you another lemonade, bud.

You did that while you were singing?

(LAUGHS) Did what?

I'm offering you a refreshing lemonade.

In a root beer can.

With steam coming out of it.

(CHUCKLES) Probably
just a packaging mishap.

Mm-hmm. Well, I'm good for right now.

And, you know, I can
always just pull over,

let you pee, if you want.

That's not necessary.

Uh, FYI, don't spoil your appetite,

'cause in an hour or so,
might be able to rustle up

a couple Rolo's for you.

Did Mom and Dad do something
to you when you were little?

(LAUGHS) I guess, yeah. Ah.

(SIGHS)

You thinking about it?

Yeah.

What?

(SIGHS) I just want to remind you

what you yourself said to me. Okay?

That the chances of
that blob being people

are almost nonexistent.

I just don't want you
to get your hopes up.

Phil, I'm a scientist, okay?

I know that data doesn't always
provide the desired results.

Okay. Good.

(SIGHS)

(DEATH METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(THUD)

(DEATH METAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

Oh, my God.

Oh. Look at that.

Friggin' buttload of
avocado and orange trees.

- We should stop.
- No, no, no.

Come on. Let's go.

Okay. We'll pick 'em up on the way back.

People are going to
go ape dong over this.


- MIKE: Okay, well...
- TANDY: Yes.

Oh, my God.

No way.

No way! Look at that!

Mike. Your little machine
was on to something.

(TANDY SIGHS)

- Goats!
- (GOATS BLEATING)

- (LAUGHING): Goats.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Hey, little fellas.
Hey, what's your names?

Oh, my God. Is this crazy?

Yeah, it's amazing.

Look, we gotta keep going,
all right? We're only

five minutes away from the
heat signature. Come on.

Wait. Aren't these your heat signatures?

N-No. No way. Now come on, let's go.

Mike. This is a huge frigging deal.

Okay, in four years,

we've found one cow, one bull, one fish,

and a few friggin' crickets.

Look, I get it, okay?
All right, so we'll just,

we'll come back here
once we get done doing

what we came here to do, all right?

What if they're gone? Huh?
I just go tell the group,

"Oh, yeah, we had a chance to
get you a bunch of, you know,

fresh milk and-and
cheese and yogurt and meat,

but we decided to prioritize
a frigging heat blob."

Phil, these guys aren't going anywhere.

Not leaving these goats, Mike.

- (SIGHS)
- (GOAT BLEATING)

Okay, uh, guys.

Look, I-I... I didn't
want to tell you this,

but then I came to the
realization that, well,

you know, it'd be unsafe not to.

This morning,

as I was working, I
came across some, uh...

(SIGHS) How do I put this? Some, uh...

m*rder*d corpses hidden in our walls.

- What?
- GAIL: No.

- Are you messing with us?
- TODD: I-I wish I was.

But that's not it. There-there's
some other stuff back there,

you guys... should come take a look at.

I can't do it. Mm-mm.

Ever since I was a kid, I've
had a fear of being scared.

I don't want to see a
bunch of dead bodies.

- No.
- TODD: No. Don't worry.

- I-I took care of that.
- Well, did you get rid of them?

Well, uh... I did the next best thing.

Ta-da.

Oh, what the hell?

Well, you know, I thought
this would make it less scary.

You know? The-the trick is,

don't think of 'em as
dead bodies, you know?

Think of 'em as, uh, people.

The sequel.

L-Like Teddy here.

I found him with a
noose around his neck,

hanging from a rafter.

Now he's playing horseshoes,

and the son of a g*n just got a leaner.

These two I found crammed
into a floorboard together.

And look at 'em now.

They're having a spirited
arm wrestling session.

Still anybody's game,
but my money's on Matthew.

And, finally, we have Jamie.

Found him as a disembodied
head with his eyes gouged out.

Look at him now.

He's got his body back, and he's sliding

down a frickin' rainbow.

Todd, can you just cut the crap

and tell us why we're
standing in the middle

of this Romanian horror film?

Okay. Just, uh, follow me.

MIKE: Okay, let's just find a boy

and a girl and then we got
ourselves a goat starter kit

and we can go, all right?

Okay, I got a girl right here.

But I can't find one with a penis.

Have you seen a penis?

No, I'm not seeing
any penises over here.

Oh, is that... the one behind you...

Is that a penis strapped on that one?

Oh! Oh, yeah, yeah! Right there.

Oh, no, no, no, not a penis.

It's a little clump of goat poop.

You know, it's really weird to me.

I thought you'd be really
good at finding penises,

since you have to search
for yours every time

- you take a leak.
- Ha-ha!

Very funny. I'll have you know

it's only slightly below below-average.

- Hmm.
- My doctor even said

that, in some countries, my
size wouldn't even be considered

a medical issue, so...

I guess that's why you
sit down to pee, huh?

I do that out of comfort, Mike,
not out of biological necessity.

Calm down. I'm just pushing your button.

Yeah, well, I got a
button for you to push.

Yeah, I hear it's the size of a button.

- You want to see it?
- Yeah, I do.

- You want to see it?
- Let me see it.

- Do you want to see it?
- Let's go. Come on.

Yes on the seeing it?

Yes.

Okay, maybe, uh, a little later.

You know, wh-when the...
sun comes out a little more.

I don't know, it's pretty bright, man.

Okay. Yeah. No, no,
no, right now's great.

- Yeah.
- Right now works for me.

- Give me one second.
- All right.

There you go.

Oh, there's a penis.

- Oh, right here?
- Boom. Yeah, right?

Guy's... there it is.

- Just grab him. He heard us.
- Okay. Right here, right here.

Okay. This is the penis one right here.

- I know, I know, I know.
- Goat penis, goat penis.

- Grab it.
- Come on.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, my God.

- What?
- (SCOFFS)

Oh, my God.

There's got to be
millions of dollars here.

TODD: Yeah. Dollars, pesos, euros,

yen. And there's five
times more down the hallway.

Whatever small business

these homeowners were
running was pretty lucrative.

Is that what I think it is?

Yep. Pure yayo.

Good stuff. Bolivian.

bills, farm. K, street.

She will take you for a ride,
let you walk on the wind,

then drop you like a bad trust fall.

Why do you know so much about this?

Well, let's just say that
the ' s and Gail Klosterman

had a love-love relationship.

ERICA: Oh, my God.

Looks almost like the
fake grenade paperweight

in the lounge.

Okay, so you're gonna turn
right just up ahead. (STAMMERS)

About, um, yards.

Gotcha. Turning right.

Okay, now veer left and
then just head straight.

Veering to the left.

Veer completed.

Heading straight in progress.

MIKE: And, uh, you should be
coming up to a hill, yeah?


TANDY: Yeah. Got
eyes on the hill.


Great. Okay, so i-it's just
gonna be over this ridge.

Right-right in the valley there.

Oh, hey, a-and go slow, Phil.

All right? W-We don't
want to freak anybody out.

Going a friendly, nonaggressive,

"nice to meet you" miles an hour.

Good, good, good.

Just a little further.

Just about another yards.

Thirty.

Twenty.

Just a little further.

And... stop. Stop.

(BRAKES HISS)

(ENGINE SHUTS OFF)

Sorry, bud.

I know how important this was to you.

Maybe it was the goats.

No.

No, it was right here when we pulled up.


Maybe that machine's on
a time delay or something.

Doesn't work that way.

We should probably head back.

I'm sure they're waiting for us.

No one's waiting for me.

Can you give me a second?

Yeah. Yeah.

MELISSA: How can we tell if it's real?

Okay, everybody just
be very still, okay?

I mean, the-the key
to grenade safety is...

not to explode it, so...

- Todd, stop, stop, stop.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa! - Dude, dude!

You don't pick it up like that.

I thought the ring was the handle.

That's the jobbie that
explodes it, you dolt.

- You know what, I'll do it.
- (SIGHS)

Does that feel real?

Uh, there's only one way to find out.

- (GASPING, SCREAMING)
- Oh, my God!

Feels like it was real.

Well, as long as we don't
ever go near that room,

we should be good.

And there's no way they can, like...

I don't know...
activate themselves or...

No. As long as we don't
pull those pins out,

we should be fine.

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.

(STAMMERS) Sh-Should be fine.

Okay.

You know what, maybe we
should just do a tiny sweep

of the rest of the house, just in case.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. Just in case.

Let's go.

Hey. Found this in the laundry closet.

Put it in the cocaine pile.

Okay, so that's bags of cocaine,

sticks of dynamite, grenades,

normal g*ns,

scary g*ns

and five severed heads.

That's got to be it, right?

Think we've checked just about
everything I can think of.

CAROL: Well, I could use

a little music to jazz
up my mood. (LAUGHS)

ERICA: We missed one.

They've put dynamite in the fireplace?

I've had dynamite in
my fireplace before,

and let's just say my chimney
will never be the same again.

(PLAYING "THE KNUCKLE
SONG" ON THE PIANO)

GAIL: Stop!

Did anyone check the piano?

CAROL: Oh.

Well, that don't look kosher.

(BLEATING)

TANDY: I know what you're going through.

Yeah. You wonder what the point is,

why are you still here
when everyone else is gone.

And I-I didn't know
the answer, you know.

Yeah, it got so bad, I-I
didn't want to live anymore.

So I got into my truck,

and I was about to drive it
into a rock and just end it all.

You know?

But then I saw Carol.

I was at my very lowest point.

So, you know, don't give up hope,

'cause one day,

maybe you'll get your answer, too.

Okay?

Hey, look, hey, your answer

might not even be human, you know?

And hear me out.

You know, goats are
living creatures too, okay?

And-and they got something
that, say, sex dolls don't have.

It's, like, a, you know, a
non-plasticity of-of their...

Phil... don't.

In New Zealand, it's
like dating a cousin

- as far as the taboo aspect.
- Phil, please.

Okay, and I'm pretty sure the
goats would be into it. Yeah.

Uh, hey, how bad do you guys
want to have sex with this dude?

(BLEATING)

You hear that? Oh, you're in, Mike.

Oh, there he is! There's my brother.

The promise of interspecies sex
has brought him back to life.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (BLEATING)

Ooh, ooh, looks like
they're both into it.

Look, okay, you don't
want to commit just yet.

You probably need to know what
your singing chemistry is like.

Ooh, and I think I
have the perfect song.

Okay, don't look.

I'm gonna surprise you with something.

Okay, all set.

Now we just wait for your
goat lovers to start us out.

Oh, come on. Don't get
stage fright on me now.

Come on.

(BLEATING)

(SINGING ALONG WITH BEACH BOYS):
♪ Ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann ♪

- ♪ Barbara Ann ♪
- ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann

- ♪ Take my hand ♪
- ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann

(BLEATING)

- ♪ Barbara Ann ♪
- ♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann

BOTH: ♪ You've got me
rockin' and a-rollin' ♪

♪ Rockin' and
a-reelin', Barbara Ann ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann ♪

♪ Went to a dance
looking for romance ♪

♪ Saw Barbara Ann and I thought
I'd take a chance, Barbara Ann ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann ♪

MIKE: ♪ Barbara Ann ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann ♪

♪ You've got me
rockin' and a-rollin' ♪

♪ Rockin' and
a-reelin', Barbara Ann ♪

♪ Ba, ba, ba, ba, Barbara Ann. ♪

(WHIRRING)

Oh, I hope Tandy doesn't mind
us using his little friend.

Oh, he'll just tear the
head off some other poor dog

and staple it to a toaster or something.

Looks like that thing is
wired to the highest key,

so hit that, and we'll get our answer.

Just made it to the piano.

Initiating protocol.

Always wanted to say that.

(WHIRRING)

Steady, Clancy.

Time to drop the hammer.

(WHIRRING)

- (PLAYS PIANO NOTE)
- Oh, no. That's a B flat.

He's gonna want to hit that high C.

(SINGING HIGH NOTE): ♪ Aah! ♪

That's what we're sh**ting for.

Got it.

(WHIRRING)

Here goes nothing.

(WHIRRING)

(PLAYS NOTE)

There she is.

Oh, maybe it's nothing.

- (expl*si*n)
- (SCREAMING)

(DEBRIS CLINKING)

TANDY: Look, it might take a
little while to get used to,


but I think this is gonna
be really good for you.

Yeah, I'm pretty sick of living

in that little tin
box back there anyway.

- (BLEATING)
- Do me good to get off the computer

and actually interact
with some human beings.

And you.

Oh, you. Pfft.

Well, I have a feeling you're gonna be

very happy in Zihuatanejo.

Oh, here we are... home sweet...

We're moving.

We're moving. (CHUCKLES)

(RHYTHMIC BEEPING)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(SOFT MECHANICAL RUMBLE)

(WHIRRING)

(WIND WHISTLING)

(SIGHS)
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