04x18 - Cancun, Baby!

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Last Man on Earth". Aired: October 2011 to present.
Phil Miller was once just an average guy who loved his family and hated his job at the bank - now he's humanity's last hope. Will he ever find another person alive on the planet? Would hoping that she is a female be asking too much?
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04x18 - Cancun, Baby!

Post by bunniefuu »

Previously on The Last Man On Earth...

I came across some m*rder corpses

hidden in our walls.

TANDY: The chances of
that blob being people

are almost nonexistent.

Let's go.

Home, sweet...

We're moving.

Wh-What do you mean we're moving?

The house is filled with d*ad bodies

sealed up in the walls.

It's like a gingerbread
house made of corpses, bud.

And g*n! All over the place.

You'd swear we were still in America.

Oh! Looks like you guys
missed a spot here. (CHUCKLES)


Well, how was your trip?
Did you find any people?

Hate to say it, Care Bear,

but we're all still fighting
a raging case of HPV...

- Human People Vanished.
- MIKE: And of course,

Phil is still battling the more
traditional strain as well...

- And-and winning! And-and winning.
- Sure. Oh, hey!

We did bring you guys back
some horny little souvenirs.

You're gonna love this.


- Ta-da!


- TANDY: Oh, no, no, no, no!
- MIKE: Whoa, hey! Hey!

- (SHOUTS) Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Stop! Get back here! Halt!



- We'll get them later.
- Kids, am I right?


Well, guess it's time we
say our final good-byes.


TODD: ♪ Our house ♪

♪ In the middle ♪

♪ Of our ♪

♪ Street... ♪

Today we say adios to
a very special casa.

It hasn't been this hard
to say good-bye to a house

since Hugh Laurie died, but we must.

So many memories.

Where our babies saw
their first piano explode.

Where Todd's yeoman-like

another baby in the Dundee pouch.

(NORMAL VOICE): Where Gail
propositioned me to have sex

and was furious when I called her on it.

And where I taught an old
dog the greatest trick of all,

how to roll over and play alive.

And so we lay to rest the brave souls

who insulated our walls
lo these many months.

Melissa will now honor
them with a -g*n salute.


- That was about .
- That was beautiful.

And as we move on to
our new home in Cancun...


A controversial suggestion
from an unnamed source...

- Proud of it.
- who pressured us relentlessly

until we bent to his or her whims

like the jellyfish we are...

- Yeah, you did.
- We bid our final "hasta la vista, baby"

to this place that meant so much

until it turned into a
raging carnival of horrors.

And now,

we send it back to Hell,
from whence it came.


take this house and
shove it in your butt.

Now stand back, everyone.

I packed a lot of charge in there.

It's a remote control
thing for expl*sives.

Okay, now.


Un-soft hats?

Here we go.


Three... two... one...

- Hold on, Tandy, wait!

Cancun, baby!

So we're really doing this?

I mean, we're just gonna
leave Jasper behind?

I left him a self-driving car
with coordinates to Cancun.

I mean, if he wants to come, he'll come.

(MUFFLED): Yeah, you're
doing the right thing.

What's going on there?

- What?
- With the...

- Oh, this?
- Yeah.

As you know, being pregnant
really takes its toll

on the female body.

(SIGHS) In my case, my sleep apnea

has now blossomed into
full-blown day apnea.

And-and the sunglasses?

Well, to be honest,

I'm a little self-conscious
about the mask,

so I thought the sunglasses
might up my cool factor.

Is it working?

- Totally.
- Very... yeah, very cool.

You sure you don't
want to take your truck?

No, I'm good.

She already did her job, you know?

She brought me back to my brother.

Plus, the cab is literally
soaked in goat piss.

Oh, uh, that reminds me, I
brought you a little lemonade.

Why did goat... make
you think of lemonade?


Why is it in a vase?


And why's there so little of it, too?

- It's just this small amount.
- It's really a simple question.

- Do you want some lemonade or not?
- Nah, I'm good.

So what's the plan?

Drive out to Tapachula,
grab as many goats as we can,

then bust ass for Cankizzy.

How are we gonna get everyone there?

Should we go pick up
an R.V. or something?

I was thinking more along
the lines of an S.E....

Something else.

TANDY: All aboard!

Next stop, Tapachula!



GAIL: Cancun, baby!

Well, Andy,

it's still hard saying
good-bye to Zihuatanejo.


get busy living...

BOTH: Or get busy dying.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I guess
it's time for me to move on

to the next movie in my
filmography, Seven.

Will you join me, Brad Pitt?

(AS BRAD PITT): What's in
the box? What's in the box?!


Hey, couldn't help notice
you guys Frenching over here,

and I love it. You know,
glad you guys are enjoying

each other's mouths.

- What do you want, Tandy?
- Look.

I feel like Mike is
still a little bit lonely,

so I think it might be nice

if we, you know, keep
the PDA to a minimum.

I mean, for instance,
Carol and I have decided

that every time we want to kiss,

we're just gonna shake hands instead.

It's actually been pretty erotic.

After all, the, you know, the
palm is the vagina of the hand.

- No, it's not.
- So, uh, what do you say?

- Copy that, bud.
- Thanks, bud. Friendship kiss?

- Of course.
- Great. (STAMMERS)

That was a test. You failed it.

(CHUCKLES): Son of a g*n.

Well, the last time I was on a train,

I was smuggling a duffel bag
full of endangered turtles,

but this is pretty nice.

Is this all the food we brought?

Mango chutney and a pie shell?

That's the only stuff in the
house that wasn't expired.

- Oh, don't worry.

According to Tandy
and Mike, more hours

and we'll be swimming in goat meat.


Looks like we've been "goats-ted."

I don't get it. (STAMMERS)
They were right here.

Oh, my God. Are those avocado trees?

Look at all these orange trees.

Well, I'd say they're
mostly green and brown,

but they do have the
fruit oranges on them.


Hey, uh, why don't you
guys stick around here,

and, uh, Phil and I will go
look for the goats, all right?

Hey, Todd, do you know
how to build a f*re?

Yeah, no problem. We, uh,
we have any oven mitts?

I'll do it.


- Well, be back soon. (CHUCKLES)
- Oh.



- Bye.
- Bye.


♪ Let me do all the things ♪

BOTH: ♪ You want me to do ♪

♪ 'Cause tonight, baby ♪

♪ I want to get freaky ♪

♪ With you, oh. ♪

- Yeah.

Hey, you know, speaking
of getting freaky,

you and Carol can totally
kiss in front of me.

- It doesn't bother me.

You know, I just didn't want
to make you uncomfortable.

I know you've been
feeling a little lonely.


I'm fine.

- Yeah?
- Okay. Okay.

Mind if we pick up the pace
here a little bit, though?

Oh, sorry. Clancy kind of marches

to the b*at of his own drum.

MIKE: So what's the story
with this thing, anyway?

TANDY: I don't know.

I missed having a dog.

And this is working for you?

Oh, yeah, Clancy is
great, yeah. Watch this.

Clancy, fetch!

Okay, come on.

There you go. Good approach.

Head down. Come on. There you go.

Okay, now pick it up.

You should know from experience
this would work a lot better

if you rubbed a little
peanut butter on it.

Mike, that is so aggressively wack.

- What?
- Okay, that was one time.

Hey, hey. Check it out.

TANDY: What?

Oh, my God.

Kind of reminds me of Grandma's.

All right, come on. Let's go.


Incredible, Carol.

I mean, I'd order this
in a sit-down restaurant.

Ah, look at you gals
getting your feast on.

Carol has really outdone herself.

You see any goats out there?

Uh, unfortunately, no.

But we did see a pretty cool house.

You know, it could come in handy

if we need to stay here
longer than expected.

Okay, hold up. Just how
long are we gonna wait

for these goats, anyway?

Yeah, we need to make a plan.

The plan is we stay
for as long as it takes.

(STAMMERS) I mean, this
could be a food source

that could last us
the rest of our lives.

Goat milk, goat cheese,
goat yogurt, goat, uh, eggs.

What's the harm in waiting
around a few more days?

This is a pretty pleasant place.

Fine, but I'm not waiting around
forever for billy goat cheese.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah, what if they never come back?

You got this long.


Hey, can't sleep?

Yeah, me, neither.


Want to take a little walk?

Oh. Hey, Clancy, fetch.






(WHISPERS): What the hell?

Hey there, little turkey.

Hey. Hey, don't be afraid.

Hey. Hey, don't be afraid.

Come here. Come here.

No, no, no! Where are you going?

Hey! Come back!


TODD: Tandy!

The goats! They came back!

GAIL: Cancun, baby.

Looks like that just about does it.

You ready to leave, Boogersleeve?



GAIL: Cancun, baby!

- Phil.



- TODD: Hey, why are we stopping?
- That was that little dog

- you were talking about.
- Yeah.

MIKE: Hey, little guy!


You want to go to Cancun with us?

Hey, come here!

Well, I guess he wants to stay here.

- MELISSA: What's going on?
- GAIL: Cancun, baby!

CAROL: Come on!

(CHANTING): Cancun! Cancun!

- Cancun! Cancun!
- All right, Phil. Come on.

- Let's do it.
- Cancun! Cancun!

Cancun! Cancun! Cancun!

Cancun! Cancun!

- Cancun! Cancun!
- What's up, bud?

Cancun! Cancun! Cancun!

- Cancun! Cancun!
- Phil?

Cancun! Cancun!

GAIL: What the hell?

MIKE: What the hell you doing, Phil?

Oh, my God, are you digging a grave

for your d*ad robot dog?

No. The grave I'm digging...

is for me.

No, Tandy. Think of the children!

No, look, it's not for right now.

It's for years from now.

I don't understand.

Last night, I dug a
grave for that thing.

That's not a dog.

But I convinced myself it was

'cause it was the closest I
could find to the real thing.

But then I saw a
dog... like, a real dog.

And it made me realize

I've been chasing after
something that doesn't exist.

We all have.

What are you saying?

He's saying he wants to live here.

Are you high?

Yeah, Gail, I am high.

Okay, high on fresh
food and clean water.

I mean, this place has

everything we need to make a life.

You know, fertile soil
and natural irrigation,

fields for the goats, you name it.

But it's in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, so you think that
Cancun is gonna be better?

'Cause I can tell you exactly
what we're gonna find there.

Beaches littered with d*ad bodies,

stores picked clean of all the supplies.

We'll show up, find
a fancy place to live;

then, after six months,
we'll just leave it

for another place
that's exactly like it.

Where does it end?

Look, there's literally
an expiration date

on the way we've been living,

and that date has passed.

So, look, if you guys
want to go to Cancun

and raise our kids on expired pie shells

and mango chutney, hey,
I'll go along with it.

But I happen to think there's
something better out there.

And it's right here.

Well, Tandy, you know my answer.

I'm with you.

Us, too, bud.

Maybe it's time we all grow up.


GAIL: Tapachula, baby!

Carol, this is actually delicious.

Thanks, Mom.

You know, you wouldn't
think goat hair would make

a good barbecue rub,

but it always surprises.

TANDY: Hey, uh, Mike.

can I talk to you for a sec?

What's up?


I already, uh, disconnected the train,

so, uh, you can leave whenever you want.


You're not gonna be happy here. Not yet.

You have to go and see what's out there.

Wh... are you sure?

MIKE: There you go, guys.


So, this is it.

For now.

I have something for you.

This is yours now.

- No.

Turn around.

Turn around. Yeah.

Whenever you feel lonely,
give that thing a tug,

and you'll know I'm with you.

Now I feel bad, you know.

I-I didn't get you anything.

Oh, no, that's fine.

Oh, you know what?


A few armpit hairs.

I know it's not much, but...

I love it. (CHUCKLES)

I hope you find what you're looking for.

Yeah, I do, too.

Is he gone?


Are you okay?


Come here.

(GASPS) Your rattail.

It's gone.

But the rat remains.

He'll cherish it.

So, gals, ready to do this thing?

- Yeah!
- Tandy!

Then let's make like a tree
and put some roots down.


Oh, I'm so jazzed.

It just feels so right.

- I mean, we did it. We really did it.
- Yeah.

Uh, guys...

I mean, sure, you know, we took

a few detours along the way,

but we learned from our
mistakes and, you know,

we figured it all out.

Uh, guys... you better come here.

TANDY: It's just so friggin' exciting.

For the first time ever...

and hell, even before the virus...

it just finally feels like
things are gonna be okay.

CAROL: Tandy?

I think you need to see this.

TANDY: Sure, Care Bear.

It's just so exciting.

I mean, there's just something peaceful

about being in the place
where you know you're gonna...


Oh, farts.
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