01x02 - First Day of School

[bunniefuu]

SNORING

- Morning, Zoltan!
- Indeed it is, Master Vlad,

and in case you'd forgotten - you don't do mornings, you're a vampire!

Not before I'm , I'm not.

Until then I'm just a normal kid and I'll do what normal kids do.

Turn me upside down and look for batteries?

No, I'm going to school.

But, Master Vlad, it's not safe.

The only person who knows I'm a vampire is Robin and he's promised he won't tell a soul.

Well, don't come running in my direction

when you're named and shamed as the spawn of Dracula.

Zoltan, relax. It's gonna be chilly.

I mean...cool. That's what kids say round here, isn't it?

Yeah, as in, "Isn't it cool we slayed the vampire?"

BELL RINGS

- THUMP!
- Flaming torches!

Renfield!

I'll get it, Master!

Morning, Renfield.

Hiya, Robin!

You see, perfect fit.

Yeah, those trousers really show off your ankles.

- So, are we all set?
- Yeah, just one problem.

Hello! I'm Robin's mum, Elizabeth.

Ah, nice.

That's Mum's polite way of saying, "It needs a clean".

Vlad my man! Is Ingrid around?

Robin! Are we expecting anyone else?

It's not my fault, they just followed me up here!

- Get them out of here quick before Dad hears them.
- Renfield!

- Who's there?
- Erm, let's all move along, shall we, folks?

Going somewhere, Vlad?

- Yo, 'Grid.
- Ah, so you must be the famous Ingrid.

You've certainly made some fans in our house.

BOTH: Mam!

- You'd better get dressed for school.
- You can't seriously think that I'm going to school?

You don't have to go, but I want to.

Just don't tell Dad, OK?

Sure. Don't worry.

- Dad!
- Beelzebub's bog-brush!

I am trying to sleep!

What peasant dares knock at my palace of doom?!

Hello, you must be Mr...?

- Count.
- Mr Count.

I'm Elizabeth Branagh, your neighbour.

Welcome to our country. It's wonderful to meet you.

What is that smell?

I think it's coming from...

The slime pit!

Oh! I think you may have a problem with your drains.

My Graham's a plumber. I'll send him to have a look once I've dropped Vlad and Ingrid off at school.

- WHOOSH!
- "School"?

What school?

Stokely Grammar.

My children do not go to school.

Oh, please let me go, Dad. How else am I going to make friends?

Our kind don't need friends.

Well... Now, come on, you lot, or we'll be late.

- Nice to meet you, Mr Count.
- Bye.

See you.

Well, thanks. Thanks a lot(!)

Here we are, son - Stokely Grammar.

A fresh start for both of us.

Dad, you are going to behave yourself at this school.

It'd be nice to stay in one place for more than a few months.

Johnno, I promised, didn't I?

And a Van Helsing never breaks his promise.

Blood and garlic!

It's a vampire!

Dad, it's a boy in a cape.

Morning, Mr Van Helsing!

Morning, Headmistress.

Just doing my morning squats.

Congratulations! seconds into a new school and you've already spotted the vampire.

It's instinct, son.

I'm a vampire slayer.

No, Dad, you're a woodwork teacher.

Vlad, it's quarter past midnight!

Come on, get up.

What do you mean? I've been up all day.

Well, tough necks, sonny. That's your choice, not mine. Come, come.

Come look at this beautiful moonshine!

You can't just laze around in bed all night.

You do realise I'm not actually a vampire yet, don't you?

I sleep at night, I like garlic bread and I want to go to school.

Just deal with it.

Is this about the friends thing, mmm? Cos I've been thinking about what you said earlier.

You've changed your mind? I can go to school?

No, even better.

I'll be your friend.

Thanks, but I'd like some friends my own age.

I could teach you all my wicked ways.

I don't want to be an evil vampire. I wanna be an ordinary boy.

THUNDER AND LIGHTNING

You disappoint me.

I'm sorry.

BELL RINGS

THUMP!

Ow!

If that's that Branagh woman again...!

Master! Master! It's a breather!

With a metal horse!

So you must be Vladimir and Ingrid.

And you must be wearing that for charity.

Oh, a free-thinker. Splendid stuff.

I'm Ms Harker, your new headmistress.

Ah.

Morning, it's Mr...?

Count.

Mr Count, that's right.

Now, I've had reports that the children haven't been placed in a school.

Reports?

- From whom?
- I'm afraid I can't say.

Whoever it is, I shall crush them.

Dad!

Now, look, I don't know where you hail from, Mr Count,

but in our country, children are required to go to school.

And if you refuse to cooperate, they'll be taken away.

- Really? And how much would this service cost?
- Cost?

- It wouldn't cost anything.
- Splendid! You can have her for a start.

I still have hopes for the boy.

Yeah, me too. I hope he'll get lost!

Look, Mr Count, it's quite simple.

Either you send the children to school or you'll be taken to court.

Oh, taken to court. I'm aquiver with fear(!)

And what, pray tell, is this so-called court?

Oh, just the local equivalent of an angry peasant mob.

What?!

Right. Vlad, Ingrid, get ready for school.

Yes!

This is so embarrassing.

My first day at school and I look like a freak.

So much for keeping a low profile.

No, wait! I have a little good luck present.

Now these are a pair of ancient brooches

with the legendary Dracula coat of arms.

- Oh, wicked!
- So, Vladdy, my boy...

..this one's for you.

And Ingrid... It's such a shame you weren't a boy.

You're a heartless, spiteful, self-centred bully

- and so am I but you just can't see it!
- Shut the door!

That girl will be the death of me.

I'll see you later, Dad.

Don't forget your cape!

Dad, only a weirdo would wear a cape to school.

Hi, Vlad.

My boy's growing up, Renfield.

Yoo-hoo! Mr Count!

Oh, please.

I knew you'd change your mind! Can't wait to get rid of them, eh?

I know the feeling! Must dash, see you soon.

It's her, isn't it?

She must be the one who denounced me to the school.

She must be punished, Master.

Renfield.

Home.

We have work to do.

Oh, wow! So this is school!

Yeah, it's a bit like a prison.

Only sometimes people escape from prison.

Hey, cool, look at this!

My own private locker.

Yeah, it's really not that exciting.

It's somewhere you can stash your games kit

- and, in your case, the blood of innocent victims.
- Robin!

I'm only having a laugh.

Please just keep your mouth shut, all right?

You're the only one who knows we're vampires and I'd like it to stay that way.

Sure.

Oh, hello, it's Batman and Batman.

Hey, nice badge.

Erm...it's nothing special. It's...

Absolutely nothing to do with vampires!

- Robin.
- Ignore him. He thinks he's a vampire.

Robin actually believes that bloodsucking humans exist.

Sad, isn't it?

So, what part of "keep your mouth shut" don't you understand?

Vlad, your locker!

So remember, no more getting distracted, all right?

What do you mean, "distracted"? All right, I won't get distracted.

- Dad!
- I was just going to tail him, Jonno. See where his lair is.

He's in my class.

- His name's Robin Branagh and he's not a vampire!
- How do you know?

Because there's no such things as vamp...

Jonathan...

Jonathan!

Now who's getting distracted, eh?

All right, settle down, please, class.

Settle!

My name is Mr Van Helsing

and I'm here to help you turn wood into could.

Now, apologies if it feels a bit cold in here this morning.

Apparently there's a problem with the heaters.

Either that or there's an undead presence in the room.

All right, those who haven't, get their books out, please,

and get into pairs.

And, Branagh, put this rubbish away.

Just put that up there, please.

What are you doing with my brooch?

You left your locker open so I...

Stole it!

No. I was keeping it safe. I was protecting you.

Give it back!

- Vlad, you're making a scene.
- Oi, you boys! Stop that!

The rest of you, get on with your work, please.

And whose is this then?

Oh, well, there's a surprise.

See me at lunchtime, Branagh.

Alone.

I, the Prince of Darkness and the scourge of all men,

hereby declare a feud against...

..the Branaghs.

I promise to destroy and utterly crush you

in the most gruesome and unspeakably evil ways possible.

Yours sincerely,

Count Dracula.

Hmm, you don't think it lacks the personal touch?

Good point.

PS, I shall drain all the fat

from your cows.

So eloquent, Master.

I shall deliver it myself.

Stop!

What are you doing, you cretin?

Now deliver it!

Master, 'tis done.

Do you want me to get that?

No, don't worry, I've got it.

"Destroy...crush...

"gruesome...drain..."

Oh, it's from Mr Count up the hill. You know I said I'd noticed a bit of a smell.

- Oh, please don't make me go up there again.
- I know his ways are a little eccentric...

"Eccentric"?! He's a total nutter!

Just because their ways are a little bit different

doesn't mean we shouldn't try and make them feel welcome.

OK, I'll get my things.

Unbelievable.

Here in Stokely.

The Dracula family coat of arms.

DOOR OPENS

You wanted to see me.

Ah, Branagh, come in.

I've just been admiring this brooch of yours.

I brought it in for a history project.

Dad made me promise to bring it straight back - family heirloom.

Your dad?

And where might your dad be now then, Branagh?

He's probably having a bite to eat back at the house but...

A bite to eat, is it?! I know what your father does.

Feeding on the innocent, bleeding them dry!

He's a plumber, yeah, if that's what you mean.

Oh, a plumber?

I see.

Well, perhaps he'd like to come and have a look at these heaters.

I'm sure he would, I'll give you his number.

Right.

Thank you.

So can I have my brooch back, please?

No.

I'll give it to your father later.

- Hi, I'm Jonath...
- Sorry, A-list only.

Yeah. Back off please, folks!

Nice. Thanks, Renfield.

Urgh, spinach.

Where's the brooch?

Sorry. Can't you just tell your dad you lost it?

Oh, yeah, if I want him to k*ll me.

Well, that's all right, you're dead already.

Who's dead already?

Oh, I get it, he's a vampire as well, right?

- Chloe! Sssh!
- Oops, sorry!

Mustn't say it too loudly. Don't want to scare the whole school. Vampire!

- Ingrid, it's all right.
- Ow!

You little runt!

You've got some nerve!

We bite you, not the other way round!

Oh, so you're a vampire as well?!

Well, that explains the hearse, the scary dad, the...

What peasant dares knock at my palace of doom?

Aaaaaaaah!

It's all right, don't panic.

She just found a cockroach.

THEY SCREAM

Chloe, please, I'm not going to hurt you!

Get back or I'll knock, you freak!

I'm not a freak! Look, you've got to trust me.

I'm just a normal kid like you or Robin.

I mean, I don't get my fangs until I'm . Look.

You've, erm, got a bit of spinach...

Oh. Thanks.

Yes? Can I help you?

Erm...

- Nothing, Miss.
- Well, move along then.

I've got a cockroach outbreak in the canteen to deal with.

Thanks, Chloe.

Look, I don't understand.

Shouldn't you be in Transylvania?

Close encounter with an angry peasant mob.

We've come here to keep a low profile.

Don't bring your cape into school next time.

There may not be a next time. Dad will never let me come back

now that Van Helsing's confiscated my brooch.

- Well, we'll just have to get it back.
- I've already asked - he said no.

Who said anything about asking?

He's here, Master, the Branagh male, armed with a bit of stick and rubber.

Out the way! Out the way!

Huh, well, that shall be no match for the might of Count Dracula.

You said that about the porcupine.

Just let him in, Renfield!

Ah, Branagh!

I take it you received my missive?

Yes, I did, and listen, next time just pick up the phone.

I'll give you my number.

A-ha! Disarmed.

Now I have the power.

Aaarghh!

Right, that'll teach these peasants to mess with Count Dracula.

- [
- Ah, there does seem to be a bit of a blockage.

Mr Van Helsing?

VOICE APPROACHES

Maybe this afternoon? Mm-hm, that's right.

Yeah.

So I'll see you in the woodwork room this afternoon then, bye.

Gotcha!

We've done it, Jonno.

The bloodsucker will be here at pm.

Dad, you promised you weren't going after him.

I never said nothing about his father. Now...

Stake,

mallet,

garlic,

rope.

All right, let's imagine his father really is a vampire.

Maybe we should, I dunno, call the police?

What, and let them take all the glory? No way! This is our time, son.

This is our destiny.

We are the Van Helsings - vampire slayers!

THUD!

Your husband?

No, we haven't seen him at all.

Well, I think I found the cause of the blockage!

Oh, Gertrude!

You! Get back in the slime pit!

- I've just done you a favour!
- We're supposed to be having a feud!

Sorry, have we done something to offend you, Mr Count?

What, apart from denouncing me to the school?

- Are you saying someone reported you to the school?
- Yes, you.

It was most certainly not me!

Oh. So I don't get to slaughter your livestock?

OK, well we'd love to stay and chat but I've got another appointment.

- So must dash.
- Yes, well, why don't we leave you the tray?

I reckon you'll like that, it's fruit-cake.

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Vlad! I've been looking for you everywhere.

- We've got to get to the woodwork room!
- Why?

- Because Mr Van Helsing's a vampire s...
- Hi, guys.
- Hi, Dad.

Just sorting out some heaters.

Mr Van Helsing's a vampire?

Slayer! He's meeting your dad in the woodwork room in exactly two minutes.

Nice one, Chloe, you almost had me there!

Vlad's dad can't come out in the daylight.

But Van Helsing is definitely meeting someone who he thinks is a vampire.

Dad!

Walk, don't run!

I said walk!

Right!

Stop!

OK, ETA the vampire,

minus one minute.

There's no such things as vampires!

Yes, there is and I can prove it.

Look.

The Dracula family coat of arms.

So that's your proof?

It's proof that the devious bloodsucker must have snuck into the school and swapped it!

He's coming.

Into position.

Stop! That's an order!

- Dad! Don't open the door!
- Chloe?

Freeze!

The lot of you!

I'm just here to look at some heaters.

Ah yes, Mr Branagh.

They're through here.

- No!
- Waaargh!

Ah, headmistress, just the person!

So what do you think of our new...burglar alarm then, eh?

Let me out of here!

Mr Van Helsing!

My office, now!

Both of you!

I'd better get on with the heating.

Why don't the two of you bring Vlad back to the castle?

Castle?

This boy lives in a castle?

He's just moved here from Transylvania.

Let's go!

Transylvania, eh?

I look forward to meeting your father, Vlad.

- What do you mean we're going home?!
- It's the neighbours, Ingrid,

they're driving us out with their good turns and nauseating favours.

But do you realise how popular I am at that school?!

For the first time in my life, I actually exist!

Don't you care about my feelings at all?

Oh, Ingrid, silly, of course I don't!

Now pack your bags, we're leaving at sunset!

- This is because Vlad told his little friends about us, isn't it?
- What?!

I really don't think you should have said that, Miss Ingrid.

So you promise that you won't tell anyone...

else that I'm a vampire.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Which is sooner than you think.

THEY SCREAM

- Now, which of you shall I start with first?
- Dad! Stop!

They know we're vampires!

They must be destroyed!

We've discussed this. Friends are not food!

These are no friends!

It was probably them who denounced me to the school!

- No, it wasn't, Dad!
- Well, who could have done it then?

Me.

You?

You double-crossed your own father?

You clever little fox!

What, is that it?

He betrayed you!

Mmm. Admirable cunning.

A true vampire, eh?

You know this town seems to bring out the best in you, son.

So we're staying? Oh, excellent!

- Yes!
- Well, there's no need to leave just yet, I suppose.

I mean, the locals may be annoyingly pleasant,

but at least they're not...

Well, I don't know...

vampire slayers.