01x02 - Wesley and the Fischman

[bunniefuu]

Okay, so get this:

The last couple of weeks
have been crazy for me.

I found out aliens live here.

Like, legit,
from outer space aliens.

And since I'm the only
human who knows,

they want me
to babysit their kids.

How dope is that?

Of course, I can't tell
anyone about this,

which is why I'm talking
to an alien baby.

- But whatever.
- Zagellian: Feed me!

I'm trying!
Now which one's your mouth hole?

(alien slurps, belches)

Well, that wasn't it.

(theme song playing)

♪ Ohh, yeah ♪

♪ I do normal like a fish
rides a bicycle ♪

♪ Fit in like summer
and an icicle ♪

♪ Don't fight it,
just be an original ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I roller-skate
outside the lines ♪

♪ When I try to stay in,
it's no surprise ♪

♪ It's a fail, it's okay,
I'm one of a kind ♪

♪ O ne of a... one of a kind ♪

♪ So, anytime I feel
some type of way ♪

♪ Don't understand
the human race ♪

♪ So what, so what, so what ♪

♪ I do my thing
I do my thing ♪

♪ You do your thing,
you do your thing ♪

♪ When we don't fit in,
ooh ooh ♪

♪ We stand out in the crowd
and we shout it loud ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ I'm the one and only,
I'm the one and only ♪

♪ Don't try to fit in,
don't try to fit in ♪

♪ Mmmm mmmm
I do my thing ♪

The Mysteries of Havensburg Club
is about finding and exposing

all the paranormal, odd,
and downright weird things

that happen around this town.

So, then, Gabby,

have you observed anything
out of the ordinary this week?

(Gabby laughing)

This is so out of the ordinary!

Nope. Nada.

Me neither!

I just wish I could
find something!

It doesn't have to be big:

A Sasquatch footprint,

one scale from a sewer gator,

something that smells
kind of alien!

If I could just find anything,

people would finally
know I was right

and I would spread my
truth across the globe.

Well, I guess it's just a bummer we
live in a super normal town, then.

Anyway, on to our next
order of business.

Check this out!

Those are VIP tickets to
Blooderella : The Bloodening.

How did you get these?

I won them on
a radio call-in show!

I think because I'm the only
person who still listens to radio.

Blooderella is maybe my favorite

nine-part scary movie
franchise of all time!

I am in!

♪ ♪

(both imitate expl*si*n)

Both:
One, two, three, four.

You know, this kid online
was trying to tell me

that the Octo-Slay Trilogy
was better than Blooderella,

but I was, like, no way.

Aliens don't have tentacles.
That's a fact.

Uh, yeah. Totally.
(chuckles)

So, in conclusion,

while Chris is
certainly more dreamy,

more data is needed

to definitively answer
the question

which Hemsworth brother
is more talented.

End report.

Send to Gor-Monite
central archive,

priority alpha.

What are you doing?

I've been asked to submit
reports on Earth culture,

as our people's leading
expert on humanity.

Yeah, about that.

We're supposed to be
blending in as humans, right?

That is correct, yes.

Well, how am I supposed
to blend in as human

if you don't let me spend
any time around them?

I wanna go out in the world.

Oh, Jeremy, we have
talked about this.

Now, it is my job
to watch over you,

and I just don't think
you're ready yet.

Come on. Please.

Gabby gave me
a taste of human life,

and I want more.

You're an expert on them.

Take me out and teach me.
Share your wisdom.

Well, I suppose
if you were accompanied

by a suitable expert
such as myself...

Very well. Tomorrow I shall
take you out and teach you

literally everything there is
to know about humans.

- Baller!
- Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah!

Lesson one: Humans never
use the word "baller"

to express pleasure.

They prefer "boo yah."

Boo yah!

♪ ♪

Both:
One, two, three, four.

- Wesley: See ya.
- Gabby: See ya.

So, how did your
club meeting go?

Did you guys find
any Loch Ness monsters?

Look, I get it.
It's a silly club.

I just do it
to hang out with Wes.

He's not afraid
to be different, you know?

He's like, "I'm here.

"I believe in
ridiculous nonsense.

Deal with it."
I respect that.

Ah, mija, well, I'm so happy
that you're settling in

and that you've made
such a good friend.

Yeah, it's great.

But...?

I don't know.

Did you ever have something
you were keeping from a friend?

And you really wanted
to tell him,

but, like, you just couldn't?

And every time
you see him, it's fun,

but you've still got this
big thing between you?

- Yes!
- Been there.

I just want to tell him,
but I can't.

What should I do?

Okay, well, you know,
I had hoped you would be a little older

- before we were talking about this...
- Older?

Wait. What are
you talking about?

You know. You having
a crush on Wesley.

Ew! Gross!
Come on, Mom!

Boys and girls
can just be friends!

Why do you gotta make
everything so weird?

Ugh! Seriously! Bah!

- Boy trouble?
- (sighs) Yep.

They grow up so fast.

♪ ♪

(whistling)

(makes fart noise)

I know, I know.
"Go to the Principal's Office."

What can I say?
You're tough, but fair.

(school bell ringing)

Swift:
Gabby, it's been two weeks.

You do realize you don't
actually have to get in trouble

every time we need
to speak, correct?

Hey, I'm just trying to preserve
our cover here, Swifty.

Regardless, Jeremy aside,

your first few
babysitting assignments

appear to have gone quite well,

so it would seem
you're ready for another.

His name is Stuart Fischman.

He and his parents are
a water-dwelling species

from the planet Vitreous Prime.

But he's also very nervous
around humans,

so you'll need to take
extra care with him.

Look, I've scraped liquified
beetle out of my eye sockets.

This ain't my first alien rodeo.

Well, Mr. and Mrs. Fischman
will expect you this afternoon.

Oh, no can do.

Wesley and I have plans
to see Blooderella ...

The movie with so much gore,

it makes Blooderella
look like Blooderella .

Gabby, these alien children
are counting on you.

I hope you realize
this job is very important.

It's much more important
than some silly film.

The Blooderella franchise
is a national treasure!

Also, regarding Wesley,

I've noticed you two spending an
inordinate amount of time together.

That is... problematic.

Problematic how?

Wesley has a tendency
to believe in the fantastical

and is not shy about
sharing what he knows.

Aliens are real!

And the second I have proof,

I'm going straight to the news!

So... what are you saying?

You either end your
friendship with Wesley

or you resign your position
as an alien babysitter.

The choice is yours.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

Hey! There she is!

What's up?
You're not sick, are you?

Because you're not supposed
to see Blooderella

with a heart condition
or an upset stomach.

- No, I'm fine.
- Cool.

'Cause I've never been more
excited about anything in my life.

You didn't, like, make us matching
hats or anything, did you?

(scoffs)
Of course not.

I made us matching shirts.

(screams)

Ugh. That makes this
so much harder.

- Look, Wes...
- Also, I made snacks.

Homemade trail mix.

I didn't put pretzels
or raisins or peanuts in yours,

'cause I know you think they're
the posers of the snack world.

So, your bag is basically
just chocolate chips.

Sorry for interrupting.
What were you saying?

Uh, nothing.
No big deal. We good.

♪ ♪

(saxophone playing)

That's awful!
What is that?!

The first lesson
of human culture.

It's called "jazz music."

These street people force humans
to listen to their caterwauling,

but then reward them
with money for the ordeal.

Now, go and get your reward.

Ugh!

Or perhaps you're not ready
for human interaction.

No! I'm ready.
I can do it.

Good work!
This music is really terrible!

Is five dollars enough?

Let's make it ten.
You're really bad.

Hey!

♪ ♪

Do you even know
what you're doing?!

Well, you've enraged him!

You probably didn't
take enough money!

♪ ♪

(knocking)

Hey! Hi!

I'm Gabby!
Your new babysitter!

How was your nap?

♪ ♪

Come on, Gabby!
Where are you?

You can put the spatula down.
I'm not gonna hurt you.

I don't trust humans.

You pollute your oceans
and turn fish into sticks.

Fair point.
How about a trick?

Huh? Yeah?

Look at my thumb! Whoa!

Wanna see a real trick?

♪ ♪

Wow. Fish Stu got skills!

(phone ringing)

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine, I just...

I need to tell
somebody something

that's gonna be really hard
for me to tell them, is all.

Well, then maybe you should
just get it over with.

(phone ringing)

Gabby! Where are you?
The movie's about to start,

and I don't wanna
pee my pants alone.

(deep breath)
Wes, you're a good friend,

and it was super nice of you
to get the tickets

and make us shirts
and special trail mix,

but we can't be friends anymore.

And I'm sorry. And bye forever.
And I'm sorry.

- This is Gabby, by the way.
- Wait, what do you...

I really wish I could tell
him the truth about aliens.

(phone vibrating)

No worries, he'll be fine.

He's a champ.

(knocking)

(out of breath):
Gabby...

I need to talk to Gabby.

Um... what's going on?

I'm pretty sure that your
sister's been taken over

by some sort of evil parasite
that controls her thoughts

and makes her say things
she doesn't really mean.

That or she just doesn't wanna
be friends with me anymore.

Either way,
I need to talk to her.

Gabby's not here.
She's at a babysitting job.

Wait, you mean she'd rather work

than see the greatest
slasher movie of all-time?

Now I know something's up.

Neighbor:
I have no idea.

If I give you the address,
will you get off our porch?

The neighbors are talking, and we have a
very particular Home Owners' Association.

Nothing to see here, Gladys!

Deal.

♪ ♪

Are you sure we need
to send this back?

I kinda just want to eat it.

Humans never settle for
the first dish served to them.

It's an insult to the chef.

That checks out.
Gabby does complain a lot.

Exactly. And if you want
to be like her,

you have to do the same.

Uh, garçon!

We would like to return
these trash plates.

It tastes like butt puke.

Extreme butt puke!

You haven't tasted it yet.

We still wanna send it back.
We know how this works.

I'm not sure you do.

Look, we would like
to return this food

and replace it with
the exact same thing.

Don't make us call
your supervisor.

- But I'm so hungry!
- I will write a scathing review!

Does anyone have a social media
account I could... use?

(sighing)

Help is on the way, Gabby.
Help is on the way.

Gabby's Voice: Hey!
Stay back! I'm warning you!

- I knew it!
- I'm serious! Stay back!

I'm not eating any
of that gross seaweed.

- Come on, just try a bite.
- No!

How much of this
weird chemical stuff

do you need in your water again?

- (Wesley shouting)
- (Stu screaming)

(screaming)

(shouting)
Ah! What is happening?

(screaming, shouting continues)

♪ ♪

- Gabby: Stuart!
- Wesley: Why'd you tie me up?

- Gabby: Stuart!
- Wesley: What's going on?

- Stuart!
- What was that thing? A swamp thing?

- Some kind of gamma-mutated carp boy?
- No. Stop asking questions.

- Stop the chair. Stop the chair!
- What?

Gabby, we're friends.

That thing back there?
It was not normal.

I live for not normal.

So, I'm begging you,
as my friend, just...

tell me what's going on.

Wes, that thing...
is an alien.

Yes! (Sniffles)

I babysit him.
I kinda babysit aliens.

(softly crying)

What do you...
Are you okay?

It's just... you dream about
this day your entire life,

and then it...
It finally happens, and...

(sniffles)
I'm not crying.

I just have a bunch of weird
alien chemicals in my eyes.

You know more about aliens
than anyone I know.

Even if most of it
is just made-up nonsense.

(sighs) So,
I need you to help me find Stuart.

Yes. Yes!

Jeremy: Are you sure
Blooderella isn't too scary?

Swift:
Oh, nonsense.

In order to
understand a culture,

you first have to understand
its entertainment.

Plus, I have it
on good authority

that this particular film
is a national treasure.

(both screaming)

So much blood!

Wesley: So,
is this why you bailed on me today?

Gabby: Yep.
Now focus up, we have to find him.

Stuart! Stuart! (Sighs)

I have some old beef jerky
in my pocket. Get it.

- Aliens love dried meat.
- No! No pocket jerky.

Come on, Stuart.
Where are you, buddy?

If I had to guess...

I don't suppose you know
where that sewer goes.

That's an offshoot
of the main pipeline.

It drains out into the
Havensburg Water Treatment Plant.

And you know this because...?

Well, I mapped out
the whole town's sewer system

because, you know, sewer gators.

Then let's go.

♪ ♪

- Gabby: Oh!
- Wesley: Whoa! (Grunts)

(groaning)

Look, this would be a lot
easier if you let me loose.

Promise you won't
run off and blog

about how aliens are real?

Gabby, do you really think I'd
do something like that to you?

I promise, your secret's
safe with me.

Some things are more important
than extra-terrestrials.

Okay.

Now let's get you untied.

Gabby:
We got to hurry!

That collar of his only has like
minutes of breathable water.

Well, he's in here somewhere,

probably peeing
in our water supply.

If he even pees.
Does he pee?

Stuart!

Stuart? Stuart!

Whoa.

He's gotta be behind that door.

(grunting)
Locked!

We need to cr*ck
the security code.

I think maybe
if I squint hard enough,

I can make out
the fingerprints on the...

- (shattering)
- (electricity fizzles)

Guess I cracked the code.

I know you said not to freak,
but I'm kind of freaking.

You babysit him?

Yeah. I'm a pretty big deal.

Hey, buddy. You okay?

We gotta go, okay?
We gotta get you home.

He scared me.

He burst in all human-like.

Yeah, I bet that was scary,
but Wesley's cool.

I don't know.

Look, I get it.

It's hard for you to find
someone you can trust.

It was the same for me
when I first moved to this town.

But I've spent a lot
of time with Wesley

and I can tell you:

He's one of the best,
most trustworthy humans there is.

He is?
You trust him?

I do.

♪ ♪

Come on.
Let's get you home.

Lemme ask you a question,
and no judgment, but...

you pee in there?

Oh, definitely.

♪ ♪

You know,
for an expert on humanity,

I'm beginning to think
you don't understand humans

any better than me.

But how can that be?
I've studied them for years!

I have written literally
dozens of reports

on the Hemsworth brothers alone.

Do I just not get humans at all?

- Are you all right, son?
- Hmmm?

No. No, I am not.

As it happens,
I don't know anything

and I have spent
the whole day screwing up.

Well... that's just
called being human.

♪ ♪

Did you hear what
that wise noble sage said?

So, not knowing anything
and screwing up

is the most human
thing you can do?

Exactly!

And that is what I've been trying
to teach you this entire time.

Well done, Jeremy.

One day, you'll be
as much of an expert as I.

Both:
Boo yah!

Forget Blooderella .
This was amazing!

Right? Honestly, the best part

has just been having someone
to talk to about all this.

I'm glad I got to share
this with you, Wes.

Me too.

So, what happens now
that I know about aliens?

♪ ♪

Swifty...

I've made a decision.

Some things are more important
than extra-terrestrials,

and friendship is
one of those things.

Wesley is a good person,

and I'm gonna stay friends
with him no matter what you say.

And if you don't like it?

I don't know, you can find
a new babysitter, I guess.

Hmmm.

- Yes. All right.
- Wait, really?

Well, there is a slight chance

that I may not know
the human race

as well as I thought I did.

But if you, as a human,

feel that this friendship
is that important to you,

then I shall defer
to your judgment.

Yes, that's very wise. Thanks.

But if you remain
friends with him,

he must never discover
the existence of aliens.

Is that clear?

Swifty, I promise.

No one will find out about
the existence of aliens

that doesn't already know.

♪ ♪

(indistinct conversing)

- Yes!
- Oh my god!

And I was like "Ahh!"

- Yes!
- Oh my Lord!

♪ ♪

Next time on Gabby Duran
and the Unsittables...

(kids screaming)

Your babysitting assignment

is a telepathic alien named Sky.

Kids at school call you Crybaby
Duran until you hate it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- This is why we don't bring aliens to school.
- Whoo!

♪ ♪

Gorgeous.