01x03 - Crybaby Duran

[bunniefuu]

Gabby: Cool. A dog.

Not just a dog, Gabby.
My dog.

From when I was eight.
His name was Brisket,

and he loved belly rubs
and broccoli.

He was an original.

I sense this story
isn't gonna end well.

My parents took me out to ice cream
one night and told me Brisket had d*ed.

- Oh, I'm sorry, bud...
- But I knew they were lying.

He couldn't be dead.
He was only years old.

So I told myself,
he must have been abducted by aliens.

And now that you've met
some aliens,

you realize they don't need your
dog and your parents were right.

No. I realize that it's totally
possible he was abducted.

And I'm gonna find him.

I'm coming for you, Brisket!

Listen, Wes, you gotta pump
the brakes a bit.

You're not supposed
to know about any of this stuff.

I mean, look at me.

I've known about the greatest
secret on Earth for weeks.

And am I going around talking
about alien dog abductions?

No! All these kids know
about me is that I'm a cool,

new, tough girl with the style
that makes the kiddies go wild.

Yeah. Um, about that.

(laughing)

Who are
they laughing at? You?

Um, hurtful assumption,
but fair.

Gabby, no. There's...

kind of a rumor
going around about you.

(theme song playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I do normal like a fish
rides a bicycle ♪

♪ Fit in like summer
and an icicle ♪

♪ Don't fight it,
just be an original ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I roller skate
outside the lines ♪

♪ When I try to stay in,
it's no surprise ♪

♪ It's a fail, it's okay,
I'm one of a kind ♪

♪ One of a, one of a kind ♪

♪ So anytime I feel
some type of way ♪

♪ Don't understand
the human race ♪

♪ So what, so what, so what ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ You do your thing,
You do your thing ♪

♪ When we don't fit in ♪

♪ We stand out in the crowd
and we shout it loud ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ I'm the one and only,
I'm the one and only ♪

♪ Don't try to fit in,
Don't try to fit in ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, I do my thing ♪

So what's this rumor?
Probably something awesome, right?

- That I can do a standing backflip?
- Kind of.

People are saying that you
miss your old school so much

that you spent your whole
first week here

crying your eyes out
in the girls' bathroom.

Snot dripping from your nose,
into your mouth crying.

What?
They said I was crying?

Yeah. Everybody's calling
you "Crybaby Duran."

- What?
- Even the janitors.

- No shame in being weak.
- (Gabby scoffs)

Well, joke's on the them,
'cause I don't cry, like ever.

I didn't even cry
when I was born.

- I came out like...
- Come on, Gabby.

Everybody cries.

What's the big deal?

I listened to an Adele album
yesterday and bawled.

She's been through so much.

Yeah, and that's fine.

But that's not me.

I'm the tough girl.
People say that, "Gabby the tough girl."

- Do they?
- They're just a bunch of kids spreading a stupid rumor.

That's not even true!

(locker door clatters)

- (kids laughing)
- Girl: Need a tissue, crybaby?

Okay.
Good tissue burn.

- Still don't care!
- Boy: Crybaby.

Principal Swift: So her parents
will be expecting you after school.

- Gabby, are you listening?
- Oh, yeah. Definitely.

I was saying your babysitting
assignment this afternoon

is a telepathic alien named Sky.

Hmm. An alien that can
read minds. That's dope.

Well, if "dope" means
her neural pathways

align with anyone she touches,

allowing her to download their
thoughts and feelings into her brain,

then yes, she's "dope."

(phone jingling)

Uh, why is Jeremy texting me that
you've locked him in the basement?

No, I haven't locked him
anywhere.

Jeremy is homeschooled
while I'm at work.

Can you imagine
what would happen

if Jeremy came to school?

Ah, ah...

- Achoo!
- (squishes)

(all screaming)

Boy:
I'm gonna throw up!

What's a blob gotta do to get
a "bless you" around here?

Got it. No aliens at school.

Principal Swift: Anyway,
don't worry about Jeremy.

I'm sure he's completely
engaged in his learning.

Floating Orb: The planet Gor-monia
is classified as a gassy giant.

Gor-Mons created
a pressure release matrix

to ensure planetary stability.

Pop quiz.

What did the Gor-Mons create
to ensure planetary stability?

Uh, my butt.

- Floating Orb: Heavy...
sigh. -(Jeremy blows)

♪ ♪

So, yeah. I'm really
into teen stuff.

Wow. I see that.

Meeting a real teen
is so exciting.

What's up with the old guy?

It's Drake.

Sir Francis Drake,

famed English privateer.

Teens love Drake, right?

Um, not that Drake.
So, question.

If I'm , and you're ,
why am I babysitting you?

I haven't had a babysitter
since I was nine.

I don't think my parents get
what babysitters are.

Probably because the word babysitter
sounds a lot like our word babasata,

which means
"one who teaches math."

Hmm. That would explain
why your dad gave me this.

- (knocking)
- (door opens)

Salutations, Gabby.

Sky's mother and I leave now.

You have good babysitting.

(warbling)

So you guys don't speak?

Not really. When you're a telepath,
it's just quicker that way.

So, anyways.

I need you to tell me everything about
what it's like to be a teen girl.

Yeah, well, I hate
to break it to you,

but being a teenager here
isn't all that great.

It's not?

Doesn't matter. I want to see
this mind reading in action.

(warbling)

So, what was I thinking?

You were wondering
if eating toothpaste

and swishing it around
in your mouth

is the same thing
as brushing your teeth.

I think it might be. Eh?

But... you were also thinking
about something else,

something that's bothering you.

What are you talking about?
Nothing bothers me.

Hey, look over there!

- (warbling) - Hey,
that was a terrible invasion of privacy!

Kids at school call you
"Crybaby Duran,"

and you hate it.

Of course I hate it.

If kids see me as the kid
who cries in the bathroom,

they're not gonna realize
that I'm actually

the cool, hip girl
they can't help but love.

(phone jingles)

Bad news.

So that Crybaby Duran thing

that was definitely
gonna blow over?

It's kind of a dance now.

♪ All the girls gonna bounce,
bounce, bounce ♪

♪ Everybody that counts,
counts, counts ♪

- ♪ Gonna jump to the
roo-ooh-oof ♪ -(girls laughing)

♪ We're the young,
we're the living proof ♪

♪ And the girls
come alive... ♪

You see what I'm
dealing with here?

So what are you going to do?

I don't know what I can do.

It's not like
I can just go and find out

who started the rumor
and make them take it back.

I'm not a mind reader.
I just...

I don't even have to touch you
to know what you're thinking.

- And yes. I'm in!
- Great.

Then tomorrow, you and I
have some minds to read.

Okay. Who's ready for school?

(thuds)

Sorry, fake Drake.

Okay. First things first.

I love this look, but...

I don't think junior high
is ready for it yet.

Maybe add a hat, burn the robe?

I collect teen memorabilia.
Will that help?

♪ Flick, flick,
flick a switch ♪

Oh, yeah.

♪ I, I said I'm ready ♪

♪ Dial it in, turn it up ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Dial it in, turn it up ♪

♪ Glitter, glitter,
watch me flicker... ♪

- That'll work.
- I look like a cool teen.

I've actually never put mascara
on another person before.

Now let me ask.
How poke-resistant are your eyes?

♪ Let me see you move ♪

You look like my Aunt Harriet.

- I like it!
- Me, too.

But I don't do twins.

♪ Let me see you move ♪

Bingo.

The perfect middle school look:

A little big geek
and a little bit chic.

I feel dope to the max!

We'll work on the lingo.

(clattering)

Sorry, Sir Francis Drake.

I love that guy.

Sorry I'm late. My dad wasn't
buying my usual sick routine.

I had to actually throw up.

Wesley, this is Sky.
Sky, Wesley.

Super excited to meet you.
So...

What am I thinking?

(warbling)

You're super excited to meet me.

And you miss your dog Brisket.

That dog was a brother to me.

Okay, people.
Sky told her very gullible parents

she was gonna sleep all day.
Wes, that's where you come in.

You'll stay here
and pretend to be her.

We're counting on you.

If Sky's dad finds out
Sky's missing, we're toast.

But if my dad does catch you,

and the lights
on his head flash red,

you should run.

Like, run.

- Okay. No backing out now.
- Both: See ya!

♪ ♪

So this is junior high?

Look! Lockers!

Is that... a jock?

Gabby: I'll school
you on school later.

Now let's find out who started
this rumor before Swift spots us.

- (warbling)
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We don't touch other kids' faces
like that in middle school.

- Or anywhere else, really.
- Oh, sorry.

What you want to do is accidentally
bump into someone like this.

(warbling)

Get anything?

She picked her nose
minutes ago

and is trying to figure out
where to put it.

Good to know.
She sits behind me in math class.

"Crybaby Duran's House."

That's bad, right?

Yeah, it's bad.

For whoever started this rumor!
Now, let's...

Come here.

- What?
- (door slams)

So, Gabby.

I trust everything went well
at Sky's house yesterday?

Yep, sure did.
She's definitely not here.

She's at her house,
not here at school,

because that would be
against the rules.

She's not here.

Carry on then. Hmm.

- I found a new wig!
- Cool.

Sky:
Aw!

Floating Orb:
To understand the intricacies

of the pressure release matrix,

- we must...
-(belches)

Enough is enough.

You will learn.

(whirring)

Sorry, Orb.

No one makes me learn.

(sloshing)

(roaring)

♪ ♪

(knocking on door)

Sky's dad:
Sky?

- (warbling)
- Wesley: Wait.

I mean, may we practice
speaking human?

Your talking voice is odd to me.

I hear it not much, I suppose.
Very well.

I brought the man's best friend
for keeping company.

(panting)

- (dog whimpers)
- No way.

Brisket?

Okay. There's Molly.
She's the biggest gossip in school.

I guarantee you
she knows something.

Go get her.

(warbling)

- So what'd you discover?
- Molly heard the rumor from Ted,

who likes her, but she totes
has a crush on Isaac,

but he likes Jenna,
so she can't even.

Crazy, right? Oh, snap.
We should go find Isaac.

I think you're getting a little
too into this teen drama.

I don't need to know everything that's
going on with everyone in school.

I just need to know who started
the Crybaby Duran rumor.

- Focus!
- Focus? Focus on what?

On this Jenna girl
everyone's thinking about?

What's so special about her?
I know, right?

Yeah, it wasn't a good idea
bringing you here.

- I should get you home.
- What? Home?

No way.
I want to find out more.

- Hey!
- I love teen stuff!

Woo!

(dog whining)

- (whines)
- Speak.

(barking)

Gimme five.

Fetch.

(whimpers)

- Brisket was always too proud to fetch.
- (dog whining)

- But there's only one sure way
to know if you're my dog. -(Barks)

Your favorite treat.

We need broccoli.

♪ ♪

Green beans. So close.

(warbling)

(sighs)

Sky! There you are.

Gabby, I just heard
the coolest thing.

Did you know there's also
a rapper named Drake?

- We gotta get you home.
- I told you.

I can't go home,

not when there's so much
teen knowledge to absorb.

(bell ringing)

(warbles)

- (warbling)
- (Sky grunts)

- (grunting continues)
- Failing.

Acne. School dance.

Keep reading. Math test.
Grounded.

Should I grow a mustache?

Jean shorts.
Hot dog day.

Gross.

Pop quiz.

Ladybug.

Gabby:
Swifty!

Oh, Gabby.
What on Earth?

Hairy legs. No one likes me.
I miss you, Nana.

- I broke Sky.
- (Sky muttering)

You can't make me learn.

- Floating Orb: Care to test that theory?
- Nice try!

Tests and theories
are both learning!

- (chomps)
- What is going on?

Oh, don't worry about them.

This happens literally
every day.

Jeremy! Orb! Cease at once!

Sorry.

- (warbling)
- Jeremy: Whoa.

Cool.

No, not cool, Jeremy.

This is why we don't
bring aliens to school.

I know. I get it.
But we have to help her.

What can we do?

Our orb is programmed

with medical procedures
for a variety of lifeforms.

Orb, initiate synaptic
clearance protocol.

- (whirring) - Floating
Orb: Mind scan initiated.

- Protocol failure.
-(groans)

Floating Orb: Too many
synaptic pathways to clear.

Friends. Rainbows.
Tests. Cammie.

- Allowance.
- This is all my fault.

- Sky: Essay.
- The bell rang, and all those kids bumped into her, and...

It was like there were
too many thoughts

and the pressure got too much.

The pressure is too much.

(Sky muttering)

You need somewhere for
all those thoughts to go.

Like some sort of
pressure release matrix.

- (Orb beeps)
- Jeremy, that's it!

Orb, download Sky's thoughts

and emotions into
your digital matrix.

Floating Orb: Not possible.
My neural core cannot absorb

human brain patterns.

We require a human host.

What?

Steamed broccoli for...

Brisket?

Yep. Thanks.

Uh, let me guess.

No tip.

How about a tip...

- of the cap.
- (knocking on door)

Oof!

(knocking continues)

- Sky's dad: Sky?
- (in high voice): One second.

- Don't come in.
- I heard strange sounds.

- Is it danger?
- Wesley: Uh, that was me. I was...

practicing my male
humanoid voice.

That is quite silly.

But it does not sound real.

Continue practice.

(sighs)

(panting)

- (dog whimpering)
- Here we go.

- Come on boy. Eat.
- (whimpering)

Hey, but it's your favorite.

Like this.

(sniffing)

(dog whimpering)

Brisket would never
turn this down.

- (dog whines) - You're not
Brisket, are you, boy?

Plus... you're a girl.

(murmuring): Teachers at school.
Essay...

Principal Swift:
Gabby.

Are you sure you want to proceed

with the thought transfer
process into your brain?

It may relieve
the pressure on Sky,

but there's no telling
what might happen to you.

I got Sky into this mess.

I'm gonna get her out of it.

(Sky muttering)

(warbling)

Molly: I love Ted. I've got to steal
his sweater so I can smell him.

Girl: I haven't brushed my teeth in a day.
Does my breath smell?

Crybaby Duran has cool sneakers.

- (echoing): Cool sneakers...
cool sneakers... -Jock: I hate football.

I just wanna dance.
Did she really cry the whole week?

Boy:
How could I fail science?

Girl:
I have fat ankles.

Boy :
Do people like my backpack?

Girl :
Nana's never coming back.

(echoing): Never coming back.
Coming back. Coming back. Coming back.

(warbling)

Floating Orb:
Thought transfer complete.

Hi, everyone.
What's going on?

Oh, thank goodness.

Now I don't have to write a
lengthy apology to Sky's parents.

Ooh. Gabby.

How are you?

(sobbing)

Jessica thinks she has
fat ankles.

That's why she wears tube socks.

Isaac likes Samantha,
but she doesn't like him back.

And there are so many grandmas who d*ed.
(sobbing)

(sighs)

I guess I really am
Crybaby Duran, after all.

(blows loudly)

The sad thing is...

all anyone was thinking about

is what other people
were thinking about them.

But all those people were
thinking about

is what other people
were thinking about them.

So if you think about it,

it doesn't make sense
to worry about

what other people think
about you.

Because all those people
think about

is what other people
think about them.

I didn't understand any of that.

But I'm glad everyone's okay.

Gabby, you deal with
all those crazy thoughts

and gossip and rumors every day?

Pretty much.

Wow. Being a teen girl
is harder than I thought.

Tell me about it.

I still didn't find out
who started this whole

Crybaby Duran thing, though.

Oh. Yes.
Ha-ha. Hmm.

That was, was me.

- What?
- Why would you do that?

You've been such a big help
to me these last few weeks,

I wanted to return the favor
in kind.

By telling everyone
I cried like a baby?

Yes. Well, humans
seem to adore their babies,

so I assumed if I told people
you cried like one,

everyone would think
that you were...

dope to the max.

That's...

actually kind of sweet.

But please don't ever
try to help me like that again.

♪ ♪

Where have you guys been?

Sky's dad has checked
in on me ten times.

That guy gives you no space.

Long story.
Listen, Sky.

I'm really sorry for
short-circuiting your brain today.

Are you kidding?
I got to go to school,

dress like a teenager,
and do gossip.

Aside from almost dying,
that was the greatest day of my life.

That's actually pretty typical,

for when you hang out
with Gabby.

You think you want
to hang out again sometime?

But, you know,
not as a babysitter?

I mean, if you want to.
We're friends. Right?

Sky, come on.
After everything we've been through?

We better be.

Gabby:
Sorry Sky's dog wasn't your dog.

Yeah. Me, too.

I guess I just have to...

face the fact that
Brisket's gone

and he's never coming back.

Thank you.

What?

Your quesadilla.
It's... it's Brisket.

- (dog whining, panting)
- Wesley: It's a face.

Holy...

Gabby, this is a sign.

Brisket's still alive.

And I'm never gonna stop
looking for him.

And when I find him,
I'm gonna...

Sorry. I was hungry.

It's been a long day.

Mmm!

Wesley: Next time on Gabby
Duran and the Unsittables...

- I'm Jace.
- I'm Scabby. Go nice to meet you.

Principal Swift: Gabby might
be in something called love.

I hate it.
What does it mean?

Principal Swift: Love is a
virus that makes you go cuckoo.

- Hi, Jace!
- On my planet, when we want to get rid of something,

we crush it!

- Gabby!
- We're here to save you!

(both yelling)

♪ ♪

Man:
Gorgeous.