01x04 - Crushin It

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

From that day on,

I haven't been able to look
at roast chicken without crying.

That's so funny.

Actually, it was
really traumatic.

What are you looking at?

(soulful music playing)

♪ Look at your future ♪

♪ Look at your future ♪

♪ Look at your future ♪

♪ Look at your future ♪

♪ Look at your future ♪

♪ Look at your future ♪

♪ And look at your future ♪

♪ Look at your future ♪

(rapid thumping heartbeats)

(music continues)

Hey, Wesley.

Hi, I don't think we've met.

I've been out of school
doing charity in Africa.

- I'm Jace.
- I'm Scabby.

Go nice to meet you.

No. I'm Gabby.
So nice to meet you.

Um, Gabby?

Let go of his elbow.

Anyway, I'm passing out flyers

for the volunteer program
"Big Buddies."

An organization where big kids
get to mentor little kids.

- Ooh, sounds pretty...
- He was talking to me.

We're having a field day
event this weekend.

Hey, you guys should come.

Maybe it'll inspire you
to be Big Buddies yourselves.

Well, I have a petite frame,

so I don't know
how big I could be.

(laughs awkwardly)

Yeah.

Okay then. I'm off to lunch to put
some yum-yums in my tum-tum. Ciao.

I get hungry too!
We're so alike.

What is happening to me?

Uhh...
I'm no expert but...

I think you might have a crush.

(theme song playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I do normal like a fish
rides a bicycle ♪

♪ Fit in like summer
and an icicle ♪

♪ Don't fight it,
just be an original ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I roller skate
outside the lines ♪

♪ When I try to stay in,
it's no surprise ♪

♪ It's a fail, it's okay,
I'm one of a kind ♪

♪ One of a, one of a kind ♪

♪ So anytime I feel
some type of way ♪

♪ Don't understand
the human race ♪

♪ So what, so what, so what ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ You do your thing,
You do your thing ♪

♪ When we don't fit in ♪

♪ We stand out in the crowd
and we shout it loud ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ I'm the one and only,
I'm the one and only ♪

♪ Don't try to fit in,
Don't try to fit in ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, I do my thing ♪

♪ ♪

So explain to me again
why we need to steal

a piece of Jace's hair.

Because I don't get
crushes, okay?

I'm not that girl.

And if I'm acting like
I have a crush,

that can only mean one thing.

Jace is an
emotion-manipulating alien.

Or you just have
a very normal human crush.

Like me and that
pretty cartoon horse

that sells insurance on TV.

Yeah, well, I don't.

And once I get Jace
to admit what he's been doing,

I am going to k*ll him,
because this feels awful.

Wesley:
Awful? Like awful how?

You saw me over there.

My stomach started
flopping around.

My tongue got all thick.

And it felt like someone
took my skin and replaced it

with some sort of really
uncomfortable skin-like suit.

That just sounds like
regular human emotions, Gabby.

No way. Not for me.

So I'm gonna get a piece of his
hair for Swift's orb to analyze

to prove he's an alien
and this isn't me.

You in or out?

Yeah, I'm in.

You're lucky I'm such
a sucker for hijinks.

Okay, you distract him.
I'll get the hair.

All right. On it.

Hi, Jace.
Do you like food?

If so, why?

Please, talk to me
for a long time.

What a great question.

Food and I go way back.

It all started
with my mother's milk.

Hi, Gabby.
What's up?

- Not my heart rate.
- (rapid thumping heartbeats)

Hey, can I comb you?

I really don't think that...

This isn't weird.

Wow, you're popping right into
my personal bubble here.

Principal Swift:
Gabby.

Might I speak with you?

Why were you assaulting
Jace's hair?

You do know there's
a thing called consent?

Also, his hair is already
utter perfection.

It is, isn't it?

Smells like coconut mixed with
that moment you realize you wake up

three hours before your alarm and
you still have so much time to sleep.

You know?

Gabby, are you ill?

You're flush, sweating,
and talking nonsense.

- I'm fine.
- Really?

Because I can literally hear
your heart pounding from here.

(rapid pounding heartbeats)

Look, you caught me
at a weird time, that's all.

I'm trying to figure out
if Jace is an alien.

Well, you could have
just asked me.

After all, I know
all the aliens in Havensburg.

So, Jace is an alien?

Oh, no. Heavens, no.
He's as human as they come.

So, wait...

then I just feel the way I feel?

No, that can't be.

Oh, Gabby,
you're talking cray-cray.

I was going to give you
a babysitting assignment,

but with the way you're acting,
I'm not sure

you're up to the task.

No, Swifty, I'm good.
Just give me the gig.

Fine. You'll be watching Kali,

an -year-old girl
from the planet Gwargwar.

Now, I will warn you she comes

from a w*r-ridden, savage world.

So she may be a tad intense.

♪ ♪

Hello!

(whooshing)

Anyone home?

Hello, hello?

I'm here to...

(gasps)

watch Kali.

Kali: Wrong.

I'll be watching you.

(gulping)

Jeremy, I have awful news.

You realized that the guy
who was waving at you yesterday

was really waving
at the guy behind you.

He was?
(stammering) No.

There is something wrong
with Gabby.

Now when I saw her earlier,
she was acting very strangely.

So, I internet'd her symptoms

and according to my research,

Gabby might be in something
called "love."

I hate it.
What does it mean?

Well, apparently, love is
a human emotional state.

To help us understand it better,

I've rented the
educational documentary

Love Is In The Air.

Ow.

Comfort is for weaklings.

What are you doing in my bag?

Checking for weapons.

Don't touch that!

"I love Jace Duran."

Who's Jace Duran?

He's nobody. Nothing.

Clearly, you are frightened
of this boy.

- (rapid thumping heartbeats) -
Your elevated pulse says it all.

Fear not.
I will eliminate him.

Wait. The truth is,

Jace is a boy...

that I have a crush on.

And it's the worst.

I feel like I can't trust
my own mind or body anymore.

I'm usually so in control,
but now I'm just...

not.

On my planet, when we want
to get rid of something,

we crush it.

Usually with a rock.

You know what, Kali?
You're right.

I just need to crush my crush.

Excellent.
Then we will crush Mr. Jace Duran.

Perhaps with a rock.

No. I meant I'm just gonna figure
out a way to stop liking him.

Jeez. After this,
we're going to the spa,

'cause you need to relax.

♪ ♪

Let's push the limits
of our taste buds

as we embark on a salsa journey

ranging from mild
to "burn your tongue off."

- Shall we begin?
- Good luck to you, sir.

Mmm, tangy,

but got nothing on mi abuela's.

So about my...
situation with Jace,

Your crush?

Call it whatever you want,
I need to get rid of it.

Mm. I need your help
brainstorming.

Not a problem.
My brain is at your disposal.

Mm.

Notes of earth, fire, and...

hint of back sweat.

- Not bad.
- Okay, how about this?

We buy him a one-way ticket
to Italy.

The pasta's so good,
he'll never want to come back.

Arrivederci, crush.

Or you could just
tell him how you feel.

Don't be dumb.
What if he doesn't like me back?

Oh.

(Gabby panting)

Lots of 'peños in this one.

Honestly, Gabby...

(heaves)

sounds like
you're afraid of rejection.

I'm afraid of nothing.

And what makes you such
an expert on this stuff?

I'm just a boy
in touch with his feelings

sitting in front of a girl who's
not in touch with her feelings.

Look. The point is,
I need to figure out a way

to get rid of this crush so
I can go back to being myself.

Both: Ah!

Salsa number four burns so good.

Is it normal that I can feel
flames in the back of my eyes?

Uh-huh.

Okay, I got it.

I'll just spend
some time with Jace.

Eventually, I'll find something
so unattractive about him

the crush will be broken.

You're gonna get rid
of your crush

by hanging out with your crush?

Exactly.

Just need to find a way
to get close to Jace

without making it weird.

(exhales forcefully)

I'll do a little charity work.

(intense music playing)

(both screaming)

Is my tongue still there?
I don't think my tongue is still there.

(heaving)

It's not working.

Why did we do this?

Man on TV:
I've always told myself

I'd never fall in love
with my co-pilot.

Woman on TV:
Jim, stop.

Love is in the air.
Now let's land this bird.

Well, I have seen enough.

And I fully understand
what love is now.

It's a dangerous
airborne pathogen

that infects humans,
compromising their judgment

and impairing
their decision-making.

- Huh?
- Well, love is a virus

that makes you go cuckoo.

Now, apparently, Gabby
is still in the early stages

of the love disease.

A phase called "crushing."

Ooh, she just got even grosser.

I agree. Much grosser.

Anyway, according to
Love Is In The Air

the illness spreads quickly.

So we have very little time
till Gabby progresses

to full-blown love.

When it takes her,
she'll be unable to think clearly

for the rest of her life.

She may not even know
who we are.

Then we gotta go stop love.

Indeed.

You know...
it's rather late.

Tomorrow morning perhaps.

- Let's make it late morning.
- Hmm.

(kids chatting excitedly)

All right. Now don't forget,
today you're not an alien.

You're pretending to be
my little buddy

so we can get close to Jace.

Got it?

The only reason I'm doing this

is to honor my vow
of protecting you.

Yep. Whatever you want
to tell yourself.

Jace: Go! Come on,
you got it! Go, go!

Yes, we got it.
We're doing good.

We're doing good, yeah.
Oh, yeah!

Yes! Whoo!

We did it.

High five, Ralphie.

Both: Ugh!

- Gabby, you joined the program?
- Yep.

This is my little buddy Kali.

She is totally normal,
totally human.

Welcome. I'd shake your hand,
but mine's covered in egg goo.

Put your hand anywhere near me
and you'll lose it.

(Gabby laughs awkwardly)

Oh, kids do say
the darndest things.

Okay, bye now.
This was fun.

Ugh. He's a mega-Magoo.

I like him so much.

But not for long.

All we have to do
is bide our time

until Jace does something so bad

I'll never be attracted
to him again.

Your species' methods of
problem-solving are laughable.

You know that, right?

- Hi, Jace.
- Hiya, Gabby.

- (sniffs)
- What's up?

Later, Jace.

How was the boy's breath odor?

So... onion-y

but somehow
I still don't hate him.

So I said to the guy,

how often do calendars
get dates?

days a year.

(children groaning)

That joke was terrible.

Then your crush is broken.

Nope. Not even close.

♪ ♪

No rhythm. No style.

But I still wanna
introduce him to my mother.

Gah! I hate this.

Jeremy:
Gabby! Gabby!

Swift:
We're here to save you!

Uh...

She's not at home.
She's not here.

If we can't find Gabby, how are we
supposed to save her from the love virus.

I know you're worried about her,
Jeremy, but we have got to...

Oh! Oh, Jeremy.

What exactly is "flan"?

No one knows.

Plus there's no time for that.

According to the film,

the virus fully
incapacitates the host

once a verbal confession
of feelings has been expressed.

So we must find Gabby

before she makes
a big romantic speech

or you'll be looking
for a new babysitter.

Oh! Affectionate food sharing.

Another dangerous phase.

(both gasp)

You're welcome.

You were this close
to being in love.

It's spreading.
We need to move.

I can't catch love
from eating this, can I?

Oh, Jeremy, come on.

(engines revving)

This isn't working.
He's like a honey trap.

The more I fight,
the more I get stuck in...

beautiful, brown-eyed honey.

So what is our
new plan of att*ck?

I don't know.

Maybe I should just tell him
how I feel, you know?

Just be all...

"I like you." Boom.

"So, Jace,
how about me and you..."

How about me and you what?

Uh, um, how about me and you...

Uh, you and me...

Th-the two of us...

You see, when a girl and a boy...

- No, can't do it.
- (engine starts)

Gabby, where are you going?

So, long, Jace.
Bye forever.

(Gabby and Kali screaming)

Wait. The woods
aren't safe.

Gabby!

- Kali: Where are you going?
- I don't know.

Jace: Gabby, stop!

Gabby:
Why is he following us?

We're supposed to stay
on the marked track!

Kali: He's approaching.

What are you doing?

The track is back that way.

You have an appalling
sense of direction.

I just want
to get away from Jace.

- (metal scrapes)
- Then I shall help you.

No, what are you...

- (hornets buzzing)
- (both screaming)

I'll save you, little buddy.

Sting me, hornets.

Spare the little one.

Ah! Ah, my arm.

- (screaming)
- (crashing)

Jace:
Run, little buddy!

It looks like they've survived.

I failed you.

♪ ♪

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow!

Ow, ow.

Ow!

This is all my fault.

Wait. Jace.

- Before you go, I just...
- Don't worry, Denise.

I'll be okay.

Especially knowing I have the Big
Buddies program to come back to.

Oh well, now this is awkward.

I was gonna say
you're kicked out.

But why?

You put your little buddy
in danger.

You are lucky little Ralphie
didn't get hurt.

- I was only doing it to help...
- Save it!

You are not a Big Buddy.

You're a bad buddy.

You can't do this.

I'm the reason
this all happened.

If anyone should get
in trouble, it's me.

And who are you?

Wait, don't answer that.
'Cause I don't care.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I have to make a very delicate
phone call to Ralphie's parents.

Who are lawyers.

Prone to lawsuits.

Yay, me.

And I thought dealing
with my crush was bad.

This is so much worse.

I think I ruined Jace's life.

And all because I was afraid
of getting rejected.

- On my planet...
- I know, I know.

You destroy the fear.

Destroying is kind of
your go-to.

No, Gabby, on Gwargwar,
we face our fears.

Because facing our fear
is the only way

to destroy it.

You're right.

The only way I'm gonna get
through this is by stepping up

and dealing with it like
the sh*t-caller that I am.

I need to talk to Jace.

We'll never catch up
with them on foot.

Not with your feet.

They're too narrow.

I have an idea.

Yo, stop!

Wait! Wait!

Stop now or we'll find
your family

and throw them off a cliff!

(tires screech)

Gabby:
Thanks for stopping.

I need to make a big
romantic gesture.

Third time this week.

Get this over with.

Jace: Ow.

Ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

I like you, Jace.

And I don't know
what you last name is.

I know.
Crazy, right?

How could a girl as fly as me
like a guy as uncool as you?

That felt unnecessary but go on.

Anyway, that's why
I've been acting weird.

I guess I was just a little
afraid that you would reject me.

So there it is.

I'm out there.

So, Jace, do you maybe
wanna hang out sometime?

Wesley told us
Gabby's location too late.

She's already made
her big romantic speech.

But perhaps if we get Jace
before he reciprocates,

we can still save her.

Let's go be heroes.

Yes.

Gabby, ever since
the day I met you,

my life has changed.

Swift: No!

Don't finish that speech.

(yells)

- Ow!
- What're you guys doing?

- Saving you.
- Jace: You're all crazy.

Can somebody please help me up?

The gurney strap is scraping
against the stings,

and the stings are
definitely infected.

Ow, ow.

Ow!

What I was going to say...

Gabby,

is that ever since
the day I met you,

my life has changed
for the worse.

You got me kicked out of
the only thing I care about.

You violently combed my hair,

and, honestly, I don't think
you even got my calendar joke.

So, you don't like her?

No!

Oh.

Job well done.

We successfully saved them
from love.

- Jeremy: You're welcome.
- Ow!

I have no clue
what just happened.

But... back to us.

That was a hard pass, right?

Please take me away.
And gently this time.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow, ow, ow.

Yep, Jace rejected me. Hard.

I know now that feelings can be
a little overwhelming sometimes,

but I can get through them
if I'm just honest with myself.

So if anything like this
ever happens again,

which I am pretty sure won't,

I'll be okay.

Good. And I
can relate, actually.

Something similar happened
to me with my second husband.

We marry young on my planet.

Hmm.

(school bell ringing)

So, how's that crush?

Gone, actually.

Turns out not being into me is

pretty much
the ultimate deal-breaker.

Devil woman.
Stay away from me.

Devil woman! Devil woman!

Although I do find something
oddly attractive about fear.

Love is a complex thing, bruh.

Olivia: Next time on Gabby
Durant and the Unsittables...

Please, let me fill in
for your baby-sitting aliens.

Let me formally
introduce myself.

Susie Glover,
your neighborhood super-sitter.

Olivia: I was kinda
having fun with Susie.

I want her to baby-sit me.

(theme music playing)

Gorgeous!