03x02 - Franny and the Professor

[bunniefuu]

MAXWELL: So did you have a nice evening?

Oh, I'll tell you, it
was a beautiful wedding.

Val and I cried our eyes out.

She made some gorgeous
bride, that Dr. Quinn.

Fran, where's our TV Guide?

Right here. Give me your best sh*t.

All righty. Channel ,

what follows The Ghost and Mrs. Muir?

That would be Family Affair,

the episode where Mr. French accidentally
drops Mrs. Beasley off the terrace,

followed by The Munsters
with Marilyn Number Two

followed by Bewitched
with Darrin Number One

but Mrs. Kravitz Number Two.

Bravo, Miss Fine.

You seem to know more about ' s television

than most people at
your age have forgotten.

Well, are you calling
me old or just stupid?

Well, you have a childlike quality

that I find absolutely charming.

- Childlike?
- Just stupid.

Well, what does he expect? All
I do is talk to kids all day.

You know, if someone would keep their
head out of the paper in the morning,

maybe I can have an adult conversation.

Oh, look,

Dumb & Dumber is playing
at the dollar theaters.

All right, Miss Fine. You
want an adult conversation?

- Yes, I do.
- Let's talk.

- Um, affirmative action, for or against?
- Against.

Get rid of affirmative action.

Those creams don't work.

My mother has been schmearing
them on her thighs for years,

and she still looks like she
fell asleep in a wicker chair.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

(EXCLAIMING) Now they're unloading a couch.

Nope. It's a sectional.

Nope. It's a love seat and a chaise.

- Nope, nope...
- Oh, would you stop it? You're driving me crazy.

(SHUSHING)

What if the person
moving in is a single guy?

If he hears you yelling at me,

he's gonna think we're married.

I'm sorry, Miss Fine.

I'm just obsessing over
something in the newspaper.

Oh, you want to talk about it?

No. I don't think it's anything
that you'll be interested in.

Well, I could fake it.

It wouldn't be the first time.

All right. It's President
Clinton's Renaissance Weekend,

and I was hoping I'd be invited.

Oh, a Renaissance Weekend.

Boy, Clinton goes to those things?

'Cause I'm thinking tights and a
pointy hat is not his best look.

No, Miss Fine. Not the Renaissance Faire,

the Renaissance Weekend.

It's a yearly gathering of the
best minds from every walk of life,

and they only invite one member
of the Broadway community,

and you know the one
name that's ahead of mine.

Right. Who comes before Sheffield?

A, B, C, D, E, F, G... R!

Phylicia Rashad is before Mr. Sheffield.

No, Miss Fine. Not Phylicia Rashad.

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

Webber? W is before S?

Boy, and they call me stupid.

Well, it's : . Where's
this brother of yours, C.C.?

Brother? There's a brother coming?

Is he short, ugly, and married?

No. Why?

Well, then I gotta change.

Nanny Fine, please,

he is a full-time professor
at Northwestern University.

Well, I don't mind moving down south.

Oh, it will be so
wonderful to see Noel again.

We used to have so much fun.

Every summer he'd take
me to the horse show.

Did you ever win?

Maxwell, will you put that
out? It's stinking up the house.

Oh, C.C., I thought you liked cigars.

I meant him.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, he's here.

Oh, we were just like best friends.

C.C.

Noel.

- Yes!
- Well, you've been working out.

(SNIFFING)

I smell Lady Stetson. Mummy gave you this.

She gave you the Beamer.

She gave you the Benz.

C.C., Mummy d*ed yesterday.

(GASPS) What'd you get?

Got you.

I walked right into that.

He used to keep me in stitches

with all that "Mummy d*ed" stuff.

Oh, yes. Charming.

Oh, I didn't know we had company.

- Isn't anyone going to introduce us?
- All right.

This is my charming, wealthy,
educated brother, Noel.

Noel, this is the help.

I'm Dr. Noel Babcock.

Oh, a teacher and a doctor.

Your mother must be kvelling.

Miss Fine, don't you have something to do?

Oh, he thinks that I can't
handle an adult conversation.

Want a Juicy Juice?

Maybe I'd learn something if
I hung out with the professor.

Worked for Mary Ann and Ginger.

Is something going on
with Max and the nanny?

No.

I mean, Maxwell is an educated man.

She went to Nick at Nite school.

C.C., would you like to have some fun?

Noel, I thought that was against the law.

No.

No, no, no. No, I meant a little wager.

I say the nanny can be taught.

Oh, please, don't make me take your money.

This is a woman who thought Clarence Thomas

was on The Mod Squad.

Stop it. You're gonna
make me go right here.

(BOTH SIGHING)

My Lamborghini against
your prize thoroughbred.

You choose the test.

Well, the only thing
she knows is television.

I'll make it easy for you.

Get her on Jeopardy.

(LAUGHING)

All right. You're on.

Oh, I can't wait to get
behind the wheel of that car.

And I can't wait to get
behind that racehorse.

You know what I mean.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(BOTH SIGHING)

No, Ma, Noel is not that kind of doctor.

'Cause he's a Ph... you can't
write prescriptions, can you?

No.

That's what your insurance is for.

Will you just call your H-O-M-O.

Fran, you are enchanting.

I don't know why you're
insecure about your intelligence.

Oh, well.

I mean, if you're smart
enough to get on Jeopardy.

Who got on Jeopardy?

Well, C.C. told me you'd
been on a game show.

- I naturally assumed...
- Oh, please. Studs.

That's not really a mind game.

No. You gotta be a
genius to be on Jeopardy.

I mean, my own cousin can't get on,

and she finds Waldo every week.

- I'll bet you could do it.
- No.

I couldn't possibly find Waldo every week,

especially in those beach scenes

when he's not wearing his shirt.

No, no. I meant getting on Jeopardy.

Would you like to try a few questions?

Okay.

Alex, I love your tie.

- What?
- Alex Trebek, dumb-dumb.

I heard that if you flirt with him,

he locks out the other guys' buzzers.

Oh, I'm gonna be good at this.

All right.

Famous monarchs.

Oh, that's easy.

The most famous Monarch
was the ' Mercury,

more specifically, the one
my ex-boyfriend, Danny, drove.

And I'm the one that made it famous.

Moving on. Astronomy.

This is the oldest body orbiting the sun.

What is William Shatner?

Oh, my head.

Oh, you know, the same thing
happens to Mr. Sheffield.

Gee, it must be something in this room.

- Fran.
- Yes?

Would you mind if we
picked this up tomorrow?

Oh, sure, sure. No problem.

There's a set of steel-belted
radials I've gotta stop payment on.

Oh, boy.

Bye, Noel. Thank you.

Did Noel leave? Oh, I'm sorry I missed him.

Well, I miss him too.

It's nice to have a man around

who notices my inane intelligence.

Miss Fine, I noticed that the first time

you threw a penny in the
bidet and made a wish.

Oh, don't try and get
on my good side, mister.

For your information,
Noel finds me stimulating.

Believe me, it's not your mind
that's aroused his interest.

You know, there is only one
explanation for your negativity.

Oh, please, you think I'm jealous of Noel?

That makes two.

You just don't want me to
reach my full potential.

You want to keep me in that
kitchen, barefoot and pregnant.

You're the one who wanted to have children.

You wanted to make it your full-time job.

Oh, God, what am I saying?

Meanwhile, Professor Noel Babcock, PhD,

thinks that I'm smart
enough to get on Jeopardy.

- How do you like that?
- Jeopardy?

(LAUGHING) Uh-huh.

Remind me, what night does that
tape? I should leave it open.

No. As a matter of fact, I
should block out the entire week.

They ask the champion back, you know.

That's right.

And let's hope that it's
not on the same night

as Clinton's Renaissance Weekend.

Oh, look, it doesn't matter
because you're not invited.

- Let me see that.
- No.

It could be a category on Jeopardy.

"Member of the Broadway community

who is invited to the
Renaissance Weekend."

Andrew Lloyd Webber.

(IMITATING BUZZER BUZZING)
Sorry. That is incorrect.

Really? The correct response would be

"Who is Andrew Lloyd Webber?"

Oh, it's no good, Niles.
I can't concentrate.

It's too bloody quiet.

What on earth's missing?

Well, perhaps this will help, sir.

(MIMICKING FRAN) "Oh, Mr. Sheffield!"

That's it, Niles. Miss Fine's not here.

Oh, just trying to fill your void, sir.

It's obvious you miss her.

I most certainly do not.

I'm just wondering where
she is, what she's doing,

which is entirely
different from missing her.

- What?
- Oh, nothing, sir.

I was just wondering how you
ended up there and I ended up here.

Seems wrong somehow.

She's probably with Noel.

You know, Niles, that relationship
doesn't make any sense.

I mean, what on earth
does he want with her?

Sir, is it beyond your comprehension

that an intelligent man of the world

could find Miss Fine
intellectually stimulating?

No, really, Niles.

Oh, all right. It's a bet.

Miss Babcock's brother bet her that
he could get Miss Fine on Jeopardy.

A bet. I knew he had an ulterior motive.

Oh, now, sir, you're not going to rub

Miss Fine's nose in this, are you?

No, of course not.

Is that her?

Oh, now, sir.

Oh, hello. Didn't hear you come in.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, guess what?

I passed the test. I'm
gonna be on Jeopardy.

Would you look at her?
She's so happy for me.

I paid $ , for that stallion.

I hope he paid for the room.

Fran, I am so proud of you.

Your thirsty mind soaked up all
that knowledge like a little sponge.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I
have to see a man about a horse.

(LAUGHING)

(SIGHING)

You passed the test?

Yes.

You see, that is the
difference between you and Noel.

He thinks I'm a sponge.

- Are you through, Miss Fine, because...
- No.

You know, you're so smart and powerful,

everybody always listens to
everything you have to say.

- Well, Miss Fine...
- Wait. I'm talking.

We both know that I'm not as
smart or cultured as you are.

I mean, remember when I first moved here

and you asked me where was the
cabernet, and what did I say?

Next to Cabin B.

Although I never did take Spanish.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, you have no idea

what gaining the respect from a man
like Noel means to a girl like me.

Now, what was it you wanted to say?

Good luck on Jeopardy, Miss Fine.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Sheffield.

Now I gotta go call my mother

'cause nobody in my
family's been on a game show

since my cousin, Ira, was Queen for a Day.

Okay. Questions, kids. Drill me.

Okay, Fran. The category is potpourri.

Things that smell good. Things
you put in a dish. Things that...

- No, Fran, Fran, that's the pyramid.
- What is Egypt?

Fran, you're running out of time.

I'll solve the puzzle.

Miss Fine...

What is a nanny? Things that are single.

Calm down. Calm down.

There are plenty of other contestants.

They're all backups, and
you don't have to go on.

Are you kidding me?

I already cut the tags out of this dress.

I'm definitely going on.

- Five minutes.
- Oh, oh, oh.

- Break a leg, Miss Fine.
- Fran, you'll do great.

Fran, you look so beautiful.

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

But, you know, beauty is
not what's important here.

It's brains that count.

Oh, hey, you. I want that same filter

that they used on Liz for
the White Diamonds commercial.

Before we continue, let's recap the scores.

We have Henrietta at $ , .

Stewart next at $ , ,

and Fran close behind at minus $ , .

But, Fran, please, don't get discouraged.

Oh, I'm fine, Alex.

I'm just getting my taste buds ready

for my year's supply
of Chico-San Rice Cakes.

Good for you. Stewart, you gave
me the last correct response,

so you have control of the board.

Thank you, Alex. By the way, nice tie.

Oh, please.

I'll take Inventors for $ , please.

ALEX: Answer:

(ALEX READING) "The name
Thomas was made famous

in for this household invention."

Stewart.

What is the light bulb?

No, I'm sorry, that's incorrect.

Henrietta.

What is the phonograph?

No. That too, is incorrect.

Fran, would you like to try?

"The name Thomas was made famous

"in for this household invention."

What is the fork-split English muffin?

That's absolutely right.

Come on, people.

In , Mr. Thomas left England

and closed his shop up for
good to come to our country.

Believe it or not, you're
now in control of the board.

(EXCLAIMING)

I'll pick food facts for $ , Alex.

The answer is a Daily Double.

(BEEPING)

I'll bet $ , , Alex.

Answer.

"Though usually associated with red
beets, this East European soup... "

Fran. What is borscht?

You're absolutely right. Congratulations.

(BEEPING)

And that sound means time
now for our Final Jeopardy.

Here is the Final Jeopardy answer.

(ALEX READING) "This city was
incorporated into the Roman Empire

in B.C. after the su1c1de of Cleopatra."

Good luck.

Dropped my earring. Dropped
my earring. Whoa, Nelly.

Oh, found it. Found it. Found
the earring. What's going on?

I found the earring. I found the earring.

All right, contestants, time's up.

Henrietta, what did you
write down as your question?

(ALEX READING) "What is Macedonia?"

I'm sorry. That's wrong.

What was your wager? $ , .

You risked it all, and that takes
you all the way down to zero.

Enjoy the home game, honey.

Well, now let's go to
Stewart. His response was...

(ALEX READING) "What is Cairo?"

And, unfortunately, he too is wrong.

(RAZZING)

Your wager, please, Stewart, was $ , .

That takes you down to $ .

Still like his tie, Stewie?

Fran?

Well, my mother and I were
on our way to Israel on El Al

and who was sitting next
to us but Diana Kind,

a.k.a. Barbra Streisand's mother, in coach,

they got a lot of
unresolved issues, those two,

on her way to see the pyramids in Giza.

So your response is Giza.

No, Mr. In-a-Hurry.

But talking about Streisand and Egypt

reminded me of Omar Sharif,

who according to my Funny Girl trivia book,

was not the first actor cast in
the role of Nicky Arnstein, but...

Miss Fine!

(READING)

That's right.

You've doubled your score to $ .

Fran Fine is the new Jeopardy champion!

(EXCLAIMING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Hello, Jeopardy.

Yeah. I want to talk to
you about my Rice-A-Ronis.

Well, according to my calculations,
I got six Herb & Butter,

six Broccoli Au Gratin,

but only five White Cheddar & Herb.

Now someone over there ain't so smart.

Isn't that ironic?

- Cheer up, Miss Fine. You won one game.
- Yeah.

And you don't have to be
the returning champion.

I like you just the way you are.

Oh, thanks, Mr. Sheffield.

But if you ever saw me just the
way I am, you wouldn't recognize me.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, look who's here.

- Hi, Roger. Hi.
- Hi.

Mr. Sheffield,

you remember Roger Clinton,
the President's brother.

- Of course. Nice to see you.
- Hi. Good to see you again.

Well, it's amazing you
found the time to drop by,

what with your brother's job and all.

Uh, Roger is the guy that's
renting the townhouse next door.

Just till November ' .

Then I'm buying it.

Listen, I just stopped by 'cause my brother

wanted me to give this to you in person.

It's an invitation to
the Renaissance Weekend.

Oh, now you see, you did get invited.

It must have just been a big oversight.

Oh, thanks so much, Roger. You are a doll.

Gee, I saw that gorgeous canopy bed

that they were delivering
to your townhouse.

It looks just like the
one in the Lincoln Bedroom.

Not after I paint it white.

(EXCLAIMS)

He's a riot.

Miss Fine, did, uh, did you
have something to do with this?

Oh, please, Mr. Sheffield,

I can't even get Brighton to put
his dirty underwear in the hamper,

you think I can influence the President
of the United States of America?

Meanwhile, I think you
should pick up a corsage.

You're taking out Janet Reno tonight.