03x05 - Val's Apartment

[bunniefuu]

Who the heck is that at
o'clock in the morning?!

They'll wake up the whole house.

Niles!

Oh, good. You heard me.

Van Gogh heard you.

He's dead and missing an ear.

Well, that's attractive.

Oh, it's a bite plate. I grind my teeth.

You know, my cousin Eileen
ground her teeth down to the gums.

She doesn't smile much anymore,

but my cousin Bob has never been happier.

You sleep in your makeup?

Honey, do you see a ring on this finger?

What if there was a fire?

Do I need some gorgeous fireman

climbing over me to save
a -year-old heiress?

Ma, what are you doing here so early?

This is how you sleep?

Where are your earrings?

Good girl.

- Oh, hello, Niles.
- Good morning.

Do I smell banana fritters
with fresh fruit compote?

No.

Could I?

So, as long as I'm here, how
did the date with the doctor go?

The date was canceled.

Oh, well you're gonna
have to get used to that

when you're the surgeon's wife.

He's a tree surgeon, ma.

You can still make reservations
under doctor and Mrs.

Ma, listen, I canceled the date.

Darling, you think I'm gonna hit you?

- Well...
- You decided not to see a doctor?

What are you, sick?

The kids needed me.

Fran, you're obsessed with these people.

When will you get a life of your own?

You know, ma, I wanted to surprise you.

But I did meet someone.

He's a very successful
investment banker worth zillions.

Aah!

The only thing is I had to sign a prenup.

Oh!

You see, ma?

I could k*ll you if I want.

Now lay off.

Fine, leave alone,

have no one to talk to across the dining table,

no one to make love with,

believe me darling,

I know what that's like.

Ma, you have daddy.

Where am I losing you?

♪ she was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens ♪

♪ til her boyfriend kicked her out ♪

♪ in one of those crushing scenes ♪

♪ what was she to do,
where was she to go? ♪

♪ she was out on her fanny ♪

♪ so over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door ♪

♪ she was there to sell make
up but the father saw more ♪

♪ she had style, she had
flair, she was there ♪

♪ that's how she became the nanny ♪

♪ who would have guessed
that the girl we described ♪

♪ was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? ♪

♪ now, the father finds her
beguiling, watch out C.C. ♪

♪ and the kids are actually
smiling, such joie de vivre ♪

♪ she's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan ♪

♪ the flashy girl from Flushing,
the nanny named Fran ♪

Glenn, we couldn't possibly
open our new show without you.

Look what you did for Sunset Boulevard.

Sure, I'll hold.

- You missed a spot.
- Where?

There.

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, nothing. Just playing
with the domestic's head.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Maxwell, your coffee's ready.

I'm never gonna pass this test.

I might as well go to a locksmith college.

You're gonna do great, honey.

Just go out there and,

bring me home an 'A'.

Fran, you're supposed to
tell him to do his best,

or you'll make him feel undue pressure
and he'll develop performance anxiety.

I have a history of that with men.

B.

B, you know what, pass or fail...

what difference does it make, really?

The important thing is, in four
years, you get your trust fund.

Have a good day at school.

Bye, Fran.

Oh, peace at last.

Finally I can do something for myself.

Niles, would you pour me a cup
of coffee and get me the paper?

Miss Fine, it's right there.

Thank you.

Oh, why do they show pictures
with wedding announcements?

Who cares what someone looks
like if they're not available?

Divorce announcements... that's
where I want to see a picture.

Thanks.

Oh, Fran, I'm desperate.

Well, join the club.

We meet once a year at the coliseum.

Here I am, I'm years old...

How old did you say?

I thought you two were in the same class.

Well, I skipped a few
grades. I was very brilliant.

She got left back.

I can't stand living at home anymore.

My parents treat me like a child.

Well, you can't afford
rent on your allowance.

Maybe if I got a roommate...

Well, that's a good idea.

Oh, no. No, no.

Come on, Fran.

I found this great place just
crawling with single guys.

You can still work here during the
day and you know, maybe have a life.

Have you been talking to my mother?

It's bad enough I have
to talk to my mother.

Now you think I spend my
spare time talking to yours?

Well, maybe you're right.

I'm never going to meet a rich,
eligible bachelor around this place.

Hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Oh, what am I talking about?

I have a life.

I got a date with a podiatrist.

- A foot doctor?
- Mm-hmm.

You better go do your toes.

Unless, of course, you
don't have personal time.

Oh Val, this is only my first date.

What am I, a tramp?

These little piggies don't have
to go to his market so fast.

Is that a bunion poking through your shoe,

or are you just happy to see me?

Maybe I shouldn't open with that.

Hey, Fran.

Brighton! Brighton! You're
not years old anymore.

Why don't you knock?

Because I'm not years old anymore.

At least Niles pretends to vacuum.

So, we've got a date tonight?

Where's he taking you?
What's he do for a living?

Ma... go out of here.

You have more privacy on a kibbutz.

Fran, when are you going to
help me with my dinosaur project?

Oh honey, I promise, I
promise I'll do it tomorrow.

Gracie, that whining is so annoying.

Where did you pick that up?

Fran, help! My hair's
caught in my blow dryer!

Oh, I should have stopped after one.

She's not here.

I've never played
footsie with a pro before.

Relax.

It's not like we're two kids on the
porch, and your dad's flicking lights.

Yeah.

Fran, you're years old.

Wow. Not till July.

- He shouldn't be doing this to you.
- I know.

Daddy!

Maybe I should go.

- I'll call you.
- Bye.

Thank you.

Oh, good. You're back.

Brighton insists you tuck him in.

We'll discuss that later.

Margaret is sobbing in front of a mirror...

"my bangs, my bangs",

and I have a dinosaur
perma-glued to my hand.

What?

What!

Didn't you see what just happened?

I was in the middle of a
date, and you interrupted me!

Calm down, Miss Fine.

It happens so infrequently.

No.

You are always cutting
into my personal time.

No, I meant you having a date.

Meanwhile, I'm not the one
sitting home on a Saturday night

with his hand glued to his brontosaurus.

Just tell me how to get it off.

Try blowing in his ear.

Oh, all right.

There's a special trick.

Put your other hand over your mouth.

Aah!

You know, I'm telling you Mr. Sheffield,

between you and the kids, I
don't have a life of my own.

Maybe I should've told Val I'd
move into that apartment with her.

Come on, Miss Fine, you live
upstairs, and you're late for work.

Well, excuse me, but I
like to look presentable.

I'm not the type to come down to breakfast

looking like a schlub in a big
bathrobe and fuzzy slippers.

Look, the point is...

we're getting off the subject here.

The thing is,

you don't have to get so defensive with me

just because I said I
might need some space.

I know you'd miss me.

Yes, well, let's see,
what would I miss most...

sitting on your Daisy razor every
time I step into the jacuzzi tub

or having to readjust my treadmill
every morning after you set it to schlep?

You know, you're no prize
to live with either, mister.

I got a news flash for you.

That accent of yours...

very annoying!

And why, every time you leave the
room, do you have to mention cereals?

What the bloody hell you talking about now?

Cheerios, cheerios.

Well, I'll have you know you have some
pretty annoying little habits of your own.

Well, I'm waiting, give me your best sh*t.

All right, fine.

Get your own place.

You'll come crawling back.

Only after you begged me

'cause you won't even
last a week without me.

What, you think I'm incapable of
putting three children to sleep.

Oh, not at all.

Just plump them in the front
row of one of your show.

All right. That's it. Out!

I want to be seeing you from the rear.

Oh, it's too late for flattery now, mister.

- Schlemiel!
- Schlemiel!

- Schlimazel!
- Schlimazel!

- Incorporated!
- Incorporated!

Oh, my God, Val.

This is it?

Well, I said it was a little small.

"A little small"?

Thing had more room than this.

At least it's a roof over our
heads to keep us dry from the rain.

It's not raining, Val.

Hey, lady! Curb your dog!

Oh, my God!

A roach! A roach!

Well, take your shoe off and k*ll it.

Oh, my God.

I moved in with Forrest Gump.

Val, I can't believe you leased this place.

Boy, I'd like to see the moron
that talked you into this dump.

Hello.

Welcome, ladies, to my humble commode.

You got that right.

So, let me guess... you're the landlord.

Oh, no. You flatter me.

I share the landlording responsibilities
with my significant other other Leonard.

Why, we've been together
now for, oh, years.

years, and still no children.

Tsk tsk tsk.

But we keep trying.

The place is just crawling
with single men, Val?

Perhaps somebody should have thought twice

before renting an apartment across
the street from the Judy Holliday Inn.

Excuse me, ladies.

I must bid you a doo-doo,

because tonight is our th anniversary

and Leonard is very busy
preparing a boeuf bourgignon.

is meat.

All right. Calm down.

There's got to be at least a couple of
guys here who'll be interested in us.

♪ clang clang clang went the trolley ♪

♪ ding ding ding went the bell ♪

Oh, my God.

Val! Val! I overslept.

I'm gonna be late for work.

What are we doing up at the cr*ck of dawn?

I don't think it's dawn's
cr*ck we're looking at.

Hey!

Well, there you go.

It's past : . She's late.

The tramp. She probably woke
up in some gigolo's apartment.

What luck... she can probably
return your toiletries.

Oh, I just love being an independent woman.

Niles, thanks for the casserole.

The whites are in the wash.

The darks are in the sink.

So who's the bigger nut...

the woman who takes
two buses and the subway

in her bathrobe and fuzzy slippers

or the man who pays her
to raise his children?

Nanny Fine, it must be
great to have your own place

and not be just a brunette Kato Kaelin.

Like he's a natural blonde.

Of all people not to know that.

Fran, I'm so jealous.

So are there any cute
guys in your new building?

Oh, are you kidding?

They're coming out of the closet.

So, uh, tell me, how was
your first night without me?

Well, actually, Miss Fine, the
evening went off without a hitch.

Yes, we did our homework,
we tidied our rooms,

we roughhoused.

And then Mr. Sheffield
came home from the club.

Niles,

maybe you should close the window
before your Christmas bonus flies out.

Ooh, I'm gonna be late.

Dad, I need that bucks for
those books in school today.

Oh, right. There you go, son.

Have a good day at school.

Uh, dad, I need some lunch money.

There you are, sweetheart.

Thanks.

So, you see, Miss Fine?

I can manage perfectly well without you.

Uh-huh.

You do know it's Saturday?

Oh, live and let live.

Ah, isn't this great?

It's Saturday night, and we're
living in a building filled with guys.

All gay.

I could change them.

Val, did I forget to thank you

for picking a building walking
distance from grandma yetta's home?

Uh, may we please be excused?

No.

This is family time.

We should talk about...

family things.

Ok.

When you go,

have you already decided who gets what,

or can we go around and put
little stickers on stuff?

- All right. You may be excused.
- Thank you.

Niles, old man, pull up a
chair and have a cup of coffee.

Oh, thank you, sir.

There you go.

May I have some cream, sir?

Yeah, of course, old man.

- Say when.
- When.

I'll take a little sugar.

Oh, two lumps.

I've got such a yen for those
pepperidge farm mint Milano...

- don't push it, Niles.
- Yes, sir.

You know, Niles, it really is rather

peaceful without having
Miss Fine flapping about.

You see, this is what a real
nanny is supposed to do...

take care of the children, then go home.

How do you propose we get her back?

I don't know. Any ideas?

Well,

I'm on my way home,

unless, of course, there's something
you need me for that you can't admit to.

No.

Unless there's some reason you want
to stay that you can't fess up to.

Hah. Fat chance.

Oh.

Ma, what are you doing here?

I came to talk to him.

I beg your pardon?

How can you sleep at night

knowing my daughter's living in that dump,

traveling back and forth
at all hours of the night?

Ma! You can't talk to my boss like that.

And you, pack your bags.
You're moving back in.

No, I'm a grown woman,
I'm not afraid of you.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

I'm sorry, mommy.

Sylvia, it appears your
daughter has made her decision.

And it's simply not your place...

I'll send a limo for her things.

Ma, this is the most embarrassing
thing you have ever...

Oh, good. He's gone. Ma, you were fabulous!

I owe you.

All I ask in return is a cup of coffee,

a few snackwells,

and maybe a grandchild.

Well, let's start with the cup of coffee.

That I can make by myself.

Sylvia, you were sublime.

Here, as promised... two tickets
to Showboat for you and Morty.

Oh,

I guess we'll eat at home first.

And dinner for two at Sardi's.

Oh, if you insist.

So I take it you're moving back in.

Well, you know, for ma's sake.

Well, she only has your interests at heart.

How much did it cost you?

Showboat tickets. You?

Grandchildren.

Uh look, I intended this as an apartment-

warming present, but uh... well,

- welcome home.
- Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

that is so sweet.

Judy Garland.