01x07 - A Matter of Life and Chess

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Young Dracula". Aired September 2006 - March 2014.*
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Britsh children's horror drama that revolves around Vlad and Ingrid, along with their father Count Dracula.
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01x07 - A Matter of Life and Chess

Post by bunniefuu »

Vlad, the idea is I make a move,
you make a move.

Not I make a move, wait half an hour
and then drop dead of boredom.

If you do, do I win?

Just make a move!

OK.

- My horse takes your king.
- How do you figure that out?

My horse canters up to your pawn,
gallops round your bishop,

jumps over your queen and lands
on your king,

squishing him to a pulp.

Yes!

You know, one day they might invent
a computer that can b*at me.

Great, then we can hang out with it
instead of you.

Ha! Ha!

You don't have to be here.
You don't even like chess.

I like chess. And you know why?

It's got absolutely nothing to do
with vampires. No bats, no blood.

- All right, listen up!
- No slayers?

Miss Clelland's had an "unfortunate"
accident on the way here,

so you'll be delighted to hear

I'm taking the chess club
this evening.

(All sigh)
Very funny, now settle down.

And I suggest you concentrate.

But that's checkmate!

Only then will you become
a grand chess master

like... the Great Chandu.

- Chan-who?
- Chandu!

Chandu was a Hungarian Count
from the th century

and remains the greatest
chess player who ever lived.

I've never heard of him.

That's hardly surprising.

But I'm sure your father
will know who he is.

Which reminds me.
This is from the headmistress.

Oh, please. Not parents' evening!

It's a reminder
that all parents must attend.

If Dad sees this, it'll be a disaster.

I've got to get rid of it.

But Master Vlad,
won't you get in terrible trouble?

- It's from your headmistress!
- I know.

And it'd be great for Dad to take
an interest in my school work,

but no, there's just no way.

It's too dangerous.

There, now that will be the end of it.

Parents' evening?

What a marvellous idea!

- Where did you get that letter?
- Ingrid gave it to me.

I have to say
parents' evening sounds great fun.

You don't even know what it is.

Lots of parents feasting on the blood
of their least favourite offspring?

Not quite. You talk to our teachers
about how we're doing at school.

Uh. Sounds ghastly.
In that case, I'm not going.

Oh, really, Vladimir, tell them
you're not losing to a stuffed dog?

He's a wolf!

You're going to have to practise
if you want to be as good as me,

the greatest chess player
to stalk the earth.

I thought that was The Great Chandu.

What did you say?

The Great Chandu?

Mr Van Helsing said he was
the best chess player in the world.

What did I say?

I am the greatest chess player ever!

And I can prove it.

OK, as nice as it is to be involved
in "family business" for once,

I was painting my nails.

Be quiet, Ingrid, this is important.
What I am about to tell you

is the story of how you
and your brother came to be.

You're not going to tell us about
the birds and the bees, are you?

Now listen,

years ago,

Chandu and I were in love
with the same girl.

Your mother, Magda.

So to decide who should
win her affections, we played chess.

Romantic.

For centuries chess has settled
all manner of gentlemanly disputes.

And destiny decided that she and I
would be together forever.

Until she ran off with a werewolf.

While Chandu suffered the fate
of all losers.

Death by mummification!

So, you see?

Here lies proof that I am indeed
the best chess player ever.

Is that it?
You dragged us down here

just to tell us that you b*at
some stinking mummy at chess?

Next time Mr Van Helsing tells me
something, I'll keep it to myself.

Vladimir, no one slurs
the name of a Dracula!

Now go.

Leave me with my memories.

I want to be alone.

(Cheerful whistling)

Just dusting your blood collection,
Master.

Curse that teacher
saying Chandu was better than me!

Surely you won't let him
get away with it, Master?

Renfield, I think the time
has finally come

to venture
into the world of breathers.

Er, Vladimir,
about this... this parents' evening.

You'd rather cut off your arms
and feed them to a giant dung beast.

They were Ingrid's arms, actually.
But the point is

all this talk of your mother
has made me realise

you deserve one parent there,
at least.

- Don't worry about it.
- No, no. It's no problem.

I really don't mind.

I'm coming.

You can't! It's not safe
for you to go out in daylight.

- Well, it'll be a challenge.
- A challenge? You'll melt!

And what if you bite someone?
The place will be full of breathers!

- Yes, I know.
- Dad!

Oh, really, Vladimir,
you should have more faith in me!

I'm going to parents' evening
tomorrow and that is final!

Now what do we do?
If Dad bites someone at school,

we'll be on the first ship
back to Transylvania!

Bagsie a cabin by the window?

I can't believe
you gave Dad the letter.

Have you any idea
how dangerous that is?

What if he runs
into Mr Van Helsing?!

That loser? He's no match for Dad.

You're just worried he'll hear
what a goody two fangs you are,

whereas when he hears
how wicked and evil I am,

he'll have to be proud of me.

I can't wait to leave the castle.
It'll do me good to stretch my wings.

Dad, you can't turn
into a bat at school!

Too showy?

- Too "Vlad's dad's a vampire"!
- Breather-lover's got a point.

Maybe you shouldn't
wear the cape either.

Ah. Not even if I wear this with it?

Especially not if you wear that.

Right.
You know, really, you two. Relax!

What's the worst that can happen?

- Parents' evening?
- Don't!

Just the words "parents' evening" sounds
like someone yelling inside my head.

Your dad is coming
to parents' evening?

What if Van Helsing finds out? He'll
denounce him in front of everybody!

That's if he doesn't ram a stake
through your dad's...!

- Shush!
- Yes, I know!

I tried talking him out of it,
but you know what he's like!

What am I going to do?

Look, don't panic.
Robin and I will make sure

that Van Helsing keeps
well away from your dad.

Yes!

Arghhh!

Jonathan, you know I can't stand
skeletons! They give me the creeps.

Sorry, but he can't walk
to the biology display.

Well, get rid of it.
We've got work to do.

Count Dracula is coming to parents'
evening and do you know why?

- He's a parent?
- No.

Because of my careful research!

I knew I'd lure him out
of the castle sooner or later.

Jonno, prepare yourself
for a showdown.

They'll never guess you're
a vampire wearing this, Master.

And it's % sun-proof.

You've done well, Renfield.
Now for the final touch...

sunglasses.

The other ones!

Perfect! That Van Helsing
won't know what bit him.

Robin, it doesn't matter
what your teachers say tonight,

so long as you've gotten over
this obsession with vampires.

Yes, Mam.

If not, we've decided to send you
to Happy Camp.

Where troubled children go
to learn how to be happy.

Through happy music and happy dance.

Just k*ll me now.

Right, it won't take me long
to deal with that woodwork teacher.

In fact, go fetch a bottle
of my finest blood.

- I can drink it on his demise.
- Yes, Master.

Mr and Mrs Branagh,
it's nice to meet you.

I'm Mr Perkins, Robin's art teacher.

Oh, it's lovely to meet you.

Art is Robin's favourite subject.
As a toddler he was always drawing.

- What was it you used to paint?
- Dad, I don't...

That's right.
Big, pink bunny rabbits.

- Dad!
- Rabbits? Interesting...

(Whoosh)
Hang on, did you feel that?

Must be a draught. The back
of my neck's just gone cold.

Cooee! Mr Count!

Oh, no, it's that interminable
Branagh woman. Just ignore her.

- Dad!
- Right!

Cooee... There, happy now?

Right, from now on,
we're keeping high alert!

If Van Helsing finds out
the Count's here, he'll...

They threatened to send me to Happy
Camp if tonight doesn't go well.

- I've got problems, too!
- OK, fine.

I'll go and protect our best friend's
entire existence on my own then!

(Cheerful whistling)

(He sniffs)

(Whoosh!)

Agh, ya, hay! Hay.

Great. Looks like we're
seeing the headmistress first.

She really doesn't like me.

Oh, really, Vladimir,
Draculas don't queue.

Mr Count, please!
These people are... were in a queue.

I say,

what a delicious looking neck
you have.

- Pardon?
- Necklace!

- He meant to say necklace.
- And you smell so...

So fresh!

Well, well,
I suppose I could see you now.

I have a whole list of Ingrid's
of fences to discuss with you.

Mmm. Really?

As I was saying,
when did Robin stop drawing rabbits

and start drawing...
this kind of thing?

I have to ask.
Is Robin happy at home?

Dad! Everyone's wondering
where you are.

You're a teacher,
you've got responsibilities.

My responsibility

is to rid the world of vampires,

using this.
The Transylvanian Torch!

Why am I not going to like this?

This torch has harnessed
sunlight itself!

It took years to find.

Now, when the Count comes in here,

I'll jump up and shine the torch
in his face.

It'll vaporise him into a big,
gloopy heap of steaming remains!

The cleaners will be happy.

Here.

Give this to Vlad.

It'll make sure the Count's next
appointment is in here with me...

and this little beauty!

- Hi.
- Hi.

(He sniffs)

Do you hear all this, Vlad?

Ingrid is causing misery and mayhem
wherever she goes.

Now that is how a true Dracula
should behave.

I'm very disappointed in you.

Oh, hold on.

Don't I know him?

Hi, Ingrid.
My dad asked me to give you this.

"If my son keeps staring at you,

"feel free to dangle
his head down the toilet."

- Really?
- No. Get lost!

Looks like we're seeing
Mr Van Helsing next.

Are you crazy?
He can't see Mr Van Helsing!

Vladimir?
What's that behind your back?

Nothing.

Vampire reflexes.
Don't mess with the master.

Ah, at last,
that slanderous woodwork teacher!

This is going to be a disaster.

Vlad!
Van Helsing is up to something.

Your dad is in real danger.

Chill out. Dad's right here with...

Dad?

Dad?

So, Mr Van Helsing,

Chandu's better at chess than me,
is he?

Well, I've got two fangs
says he isn't.

Excuse me,

are you a famous rock star?

What? Go away, I'm busy!

Actually...

- Come closer and say that.
- Can we have your autograph?

(He sniffs)

You two, scram. Go!

Aggh! Chandu.

I thought I recognised that foul stench.
You're looking well.

You've lost some weight.
Calm down, Chandu. I can explain!

Ha-ha! Gotcha, vampire scum!

Arghh, Dad!

Where's the Count?!

I don't know. But thanks for
the concern. You nearly blinded me!

If you want a job doing...!

Well, come on.
We've got a vampire to catch.

I can't believe Robin.
Dad's about to have a one-on-one

with a vampire slayer
and where is he?


Don't worry, he'll have plenty of time
to regret it in Happy Camp.

Great, now what do we do?

(Growling)

- What was that?
- I don't know.

Give it to me!

I'm guessing this is where
one of us goes in and finds out.

Give it over, bone-head!

- Dad?!
- Chandu?!

Ah, children, um...

Chandu and I were just catching up
on old times. Weren't we, Chanders?

What's that behind your back?

Er, nothing, nothing.

How dare you?!

Teenage reflexes.
Don't mess with the master.

A chess rule book?

Dad, what's going on?

Robin is certainly
a very creative child

and has written some very
interesting essays.

Great. He may not need
to go to Happy Camp after all!

Yes, there's "Why I Love Vampires",
"My Best Friend's A Vampire",

"Why I Want To Be A Vampire",

"Harry Vampire
and The Goblet of Bats".

So this is the greatest
chess player who ever lived?

Second greatest!

Chandu was the best, yes, then I b*at
him and won Magda's affections!

But you said all losers
shall suffer death by mummification.

And Chandu's alive...

sort of.

"Losers of the great game
shall suffer death by mummification,

"unless a player doth cheat,

"in which case the loser
shall walk the earth

"until justice has been passed."

You cheated?!

Well, I may have moved one piece
when he wasn't looking.

Go, Dad!

I can't believe you cheated!

It means you and Mum
should have never got together,

which means
I should never have been born.

No wonder I've never felt like
a real vampire.

- I feel like a real vampire.
- Vladimir.

It thaws my frozen heart
to hear you say such a thing.

I mean, how can I prove
our family was meant to be?

You could challenge
Chandu to a rematch...

or not.

(He sniffs)

Smell that? Like rotting flesh.

Evening.

Mr Perkins always smells like that.

No. The undead have walked this way.

Come on! Follow your nose.

A rematch? Good idea, Chloe.

Unless, of course, Dad loses
and has to be mummified!

Haven't you got any faith in him?

How does the little horsey
move again?

OK, I've got a plan.

Who do we know
that's really good at chess,

who's a really good friend of yours,

who's related to me?

How your family's lasted this long
I'll never know.

Although I have to say
when Robin is talking about vampires,

at least he's paying attention.

In some classes,
it's as if he's not even there.

- Robin, is this true?
- Robin?!

Vlad, let me go! Mum's threatening
to send me to Happy Camp!

OK, quick update: ugly zombie dude is
about to whip Vlad's cheating dad at chess.

If he does,
guess who gets mummified?

Wow, this guy's good.

His opening is genius! Have you asked
him if he wants to join chess club?

All right, all right,
don't rush me!

Ah.

There. What do you think about that?

(Chandu laughs)
Laughing? Why is he laughing?

That's checkmate.

What?! Well, it can't be!

Surely we can talk about this.
After all, you're a reasonable...

Stake-wielding zombie!

- Stake her, not me.
- Dad!

Robin, there must be
something we can do!

It's checkmate!
There is no way out!

Chandu, please.
Think of the mess!

- No!
- Wait! Look!

How many black knights
are on the board?

One, two...

- Three.
- Quick, Vlad! Check his pockets!

Spare pieces. No wonder
you couldn't b*at him.

Of all the scheming, conniv. J

- Actually, why didn't I think of that?
- But this means you've won.

And Chandu faces
death by mummification.

Again.

I don't know.
It seems a bit unfair.

Especially when your dad cheated
in the first place.

And kept him locked in a coffin
for years.

All right, all right!
Enough with the guilt-trip!

Chandu, let's... let's not.

- Let's just call it quits.
- Nice one, Dad.

Besides, I have bigger fish to fry.

We've got him, son.
You remember the plan?

I open the door,
you shine the torch in his face.

Then we watch him melt or vaporise.
I wonder what he'll do?

Ask why you're shining
a torch in his face.

Can we please see
Mr Van Helsing?

I've waited all night
to bite some sense into him!

What?!

Quick! Dad!

Argghhhh!

Arghhhh!

Get off of me!

Honestly, it's pathetic to be afraid
of the dark at your age.

Hi, guys.

Bye, guys.

What? What?

I thought you came here
to support me.

But all the time you were
planning to bite Mr Van Helsing!

- He insulted the family name.
- You don't care about us at all.

That is not true!

Robin Branagh!

You can run but you can't hide!

Oh, great. Guess who's spending
all summer at Happy Camp?

OK, Dad, now's the time to prove
you really care.

Robin!

A masterly move, Robin.
We must play again sometime.

Ah, Mr and Mrs Branagh.
What a pleasure to lose at chess

to such a charming,
radiant young man.

- Happy.
- Hmm?

Oh, happy. Happy.
Happy young man.

- Really?
- Really?

And, er, what do you say
about Happy Camp, Dad?

Oh, it sounds like the cruellest,
most barbaric place on Earth.

Does it? Oh, dear. I don't want
my Robin going anywhere barbaric.

Maybe we can sort out his morbid
fascination some other way.

Come on, sunshine!

Quick, Master! I tried to stop them,
but they're a relentless mob!

- There he is. He's famous!
- No pictures! No pictures!

- Renfield, start the hearse!
- Yes, Master.

Still can't believe Dad
only came to parents' evening

to get his revenge
on Mr Van Helsing.

Stop whinging. At least he didn't
find out he was a slayer.

I suppose I've got to accept it.

Our family's just not normal.

Who'd want to be normal?
I mean, look at him!

Checkmate!

S Who's the loser?!
Who's the loser?!

J" Go loser, go loser, go loser! S

Fair point.
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