01x13 - The Blood Test

[bunniefuu]

Morning, Renfield. What's for breakfast?

Oh, something I'm sure you'll absolutely love.

What is that?!

Bat phlegm.

With a merest hint of rosemary.

I think I'll just stick with cornflakes.

Your father hates you eating that rubbish.

Lucky he's fast asleep in his coffin then?

Good morning, Vlad. My son and heir.

The darkness of my life.

The reason I get out of my coffin.

What are you doing up so early?

You do remember you're a vampire?

Yes. Which is more than I can say about you.

HE LAUGHS

CHIMING

Oh, goody,

it's here!

Does he have to get this excited every time his copy of Funerals Monthly arrives?

HOWLING

HE CHUCKLES

Eeww, what is that smell?

Bat phlegm with rosemary.

Uggh, I hate rosemary!

It's here!

Vlad's destiny.

I didn't know a Burger Boy uniform could fit in an envelope?

In this envelope is the exam paper for your first blood test.

The first step along the long and blood-soaked path to vampire-hood.

- Dad, I thought you said "Exams don't matter"?
- This one does.

- What a pity he's not going to pass it.
- Of course he will.

If he doesn't he won't get his full vampire powers.

And I'd never want that to happen!

Exactly!

This isn't one of your "I want to be normal, I want to be like

"the breathers, human blood tastes well minging" things, is it?

- Um, no?
- Well, it'd better not be.

You're going to pass, or you won't be setting foot in

that useless school ever again.

And you won't be seeing those friends of yours, either.

- What?!
- Aw, that would be a shame.

But Daddy knows best, Vladdy.

Ingrid. No-one likes a suck-up.

So let's get this straight. They're like GCSEs, but instead

of going onto do A-Levels, you get to k*ll innocent people?

Exactly. Three more years of exams and if I pass them all,

- I'll become a fully fledged vampire.
- But if you fail the test,

- you won't be able to fly or suck people's blood?
- Great!

- Er no, you'd be a rubbish vampire.
- I know. I'd almost pass as human.

But there's a catch. If I fail, Dad'll never let me see you again.

Our friendship will be over.

What?! Life without me is so not worth living.

Exactly. So I have to pass the test.

And this is where you come in.

I've never really listened to Dad's lectures about vampire culture,

but you on the other hand,

- are an expert.
- I am!

I'll be your teacher.

I wonder what undiscovered talent we'll be trying out?

I hope it's better than last year.

We nearly put the caretaker's dog on the team.

- He's good.
- Yeah.

Agh!

Dad! You nearly pulled my arm off.

- I'm trying out for the school football team.
- You can't!

Most dads want their sons to play football.

I am not "most dads".

- You're telling me.
- Listen, Jonno,

this is a dangerous time.

In two days it'll be the second full moon of autumn.

That's when the blood tests, an important rites of passage

- for adolescent vampires are supposed to take place.
- So?

So, Vlad will be taking the test.

I want you to keep your eyes peeled and report any unusual behaviour.

OK, let me think about this for a minute...no!

- What do you mean?
- I mean, I don't want to keep my eyes peeled

or harass Vlad for any evidence that he's a fictional creature.

All I want to do is try out for the football team?

And what about your destiny? What about the Van Helsing name?

With any luck it'll soon be on the back of a football shirt.

Getting ready to pick your football teams?

Yeah.

Hey, Robin, do you fancy trying out?

No I forgot, you don't play football.

You'd rather be a sad vampire geek all your life.

- Ignore them, Robin.
- Please, as if I care.

I'd rather be a vampire geek any day than a sports freak like those two.

Stop worrying. Vampires are my thing.

I know everything there is to know.

With me on your side, you can't fail.

OK. Ask me ze first question.

What have I told you about that accent?

Sorry, just trying to add a bit of atmosphere.

OK, first question.

If Boris can turn into a wolf in three seconds, and Inga can

turn into a bat in five seconds, how long would it take both

to storm a peasant dwelling and drink the blood of everyone inside?

Could you repeat the question please?

- I don't think you know the answer.
- How do you know?

Because this is a maths problem.

And you have a problem with maths.

Well, give us another question then.

One that requires proper vampire knowledge, not stupid maths.

What was Sebastian the Cruel's

world record for most blood drunk in one sitting?

Well?

Do you know this one?

Actually I do.

The answer is... B.

Master Vlad, Robin can't help you pass this test.

- Yes, I can!
- He's right, Robin.

This is pretty tough,

I'm not sure you're up to it.

Oh, so you think I'm useless?

- Of course not. But...
- But what?

Well... I just think you have to be a real vampire to know the answers.

- Take that back.
- What's the big deal? You're not a vampire.

Oh, so I'm not good enough. Because I'm "not a vampire".

Robin, shut-up and put your fangs back in.

The only reason I'm trying to pass this stupid test is because of you.

Why can't you be a normal friend for a change?

If I'm not normal enough, maybe you should find someone else to help!

He may not be a real vampire, but he's certainly a real drama queen.

So Vlad, how's the studying coming along?

- Slowly.
- Oh, it must be so hard being of sub-normal intelligence.

I don't suppose you'd consider helping your little brother pass?

Not a chance. Once you fail,

Dad'll finally realise I'm the only one with any vampire talent.

- Ha.
- Right Vlad! Ready to score top marks in the blood test?

Don't you sleep any more?

Don't worry Dad, if Vlad fails

- you'll still have one child who got top marks.
- Really? Who?

Me! I got the highest score in my year.

I thought that was your cousin Boris.

Dad.

I'm worried I'm going to fail.

- Oh, you.
- No, I'm serious. The questions are so, well...

- vampy.
- Vlad, we've already discussed this.

If you don't pass you will leave that ghastly breather school

and never see your friends again.

And your sister won't get her full powers either.

What?

Hey, kids. I don't make the rules.

Well, well, well. Where does that leave us now then, hmmm?

This is so unfair!

I am planning on becoming an all-powerful vampire goddess.

How can I do that if I'm stuck with half-powers like you?

I thought you'd have caught on.

Vampire culture, not so big on girl power.

Shall we say five o'clock to hit the books?

- Where is your brother?
- Probably painting his fingernails black.

Again. Robin!

Morning everyone!

Lovely day isn't it?

ALL: Robin?

Right young man, what have you done with my son?

Ha ha ha. Very funny father.

I can't believe it. You're so normal looking.

- What you doing?
- Having breakfast, if that's all right with you?

This is about your silly fight with Vlad?

Well, Vlad wanted a normal friend.

Now he's got one.

Boys are so dumb.

Hi. Exciting, isn't it?

- Found a good striker yet?
- What are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be hanging upside down?

Didn't I tell you? I'm trying out for the team.

Come on then, show us what you can do.

This should be seriously funny.

CHEERING

Nice goal, Robin.

Nice goal. Yeah.

This is so weird.

Right. The following pupils made the team. Will Walker.

Sam Griffiths.

- Robin Branagh.
- What?!

I mean, cool.

That's great news. Football rocks!

- Jonathan Van Helsing.
- I made the team. I made the team!

Yes! Woo-hoo!

Very sorry to interrupt, lads.

But you can take Jonathan's name off the list. He can't play. He has a...

a rash.

Dad!

I can't believe you did that!

Sorry, but there are such things as priorities.

We need to steal that exam paper from the castle. Then we'll have it.

Absolute proof that the whole lot of them are vampires!

From now on we'll communicate using these radios.

Are you with me?

Well, that depends.

If I don't find an exam paper

and it turns out that Vlad isn't taking some stupid test, will you

finally give up on the slaying thing?

I'll give up on the whole thing. That's how confident I am!

Right then, I'll help you.

Robin.

What you wearing?! Bit late for Halloween, isn't it?

- See you in training later, Rob.
- Don't be late.

- All right?
- Yes. Great news. Ingrid's agreed to help me pass the test!

Cool. I've got some news as well.

- I'm in the football team.
- Good one.

What? Did you think I'd be useless at that too?

Is this about yesterday? Look, I'm sorry about what I said.

Maybe you can come round later?

I'll still need my number one vampire expert to help me.

Do I look like someone who's into vampires?

Don't worry, Master Vlad, you've still got me.

Yeah, I know.

It's not the same though, is it?

Vlaaad!

Identify the O positive blood by smell.

- You are kidding?
- If you don't start smelling in one, two...

All right, all right.

I've no idea what the answer is, but that one is definitely tomato juice.

- You're not even trying!
- I am, I just... I don't know.

You know what will happen if you don't pass!

Ingrid, I've just lost my best friend.

I'm wondering if there's any point in passing this test any more.

There is no way I am letting my future domination of the vampire

world be ruined by my brother having a tiff

with his breather friend! Now start swotting.

- Your father wants to see you.
- Both of us?
- Oh, what do you think?

- You wanted to see me?
- Ah Vladimir,

I feel that perhaps you're not trying your best

to pass this blood test.

And I know that no son and heir of mine would fail something

so straightforward and if they did, well,

they wouldn't be my son and heir for very long.

Are you saying you'd disown me if I failed the test?

No, of course not!

I'd just deny all knowledge of your existence.

You're not having the best of days are you, Master Vlad?

Um, let me think... My best friend won't talk to me,

my Dad's about to disown me.

The day I buried my pet turtle in the back garden was my favourite day

ever compared to today.

HE SIGHS

I can't think of a single reason to pass this test.

All I've ever wanted was to be normal, Zoltan,

and this is my one chance to make it happen.

Robin and Dad don't care about what I want,

so why should I care about them?

I'm gonna fail this test.

I'm gonna do what I want to do for once.

Ah, morning.

May I interest anyone in my special new recipe -

rat mucus and brine?

Hm?

Mmm? Suit yourselves, all the more for me.

DOORBELL RINGS

So, have you memorised the six-step bat transformation rule?

No, I just can't seem to remember it.

I knew you'd ruin my life one day.

RENFIELD SPLUTTERS

It's for you.

Hi, Vlad. I brought you this for luck. It's always worked for me.

Listen, Chloe, I won't be needing this.

- I'm gonna fail the test.
- What? Why?

- I don't have any reason to pass now that Robin won't even talk to me.

What about me? I love having you as a friend and I know Robin does too.

This is just a stupid phase he's going through.

Well, at least I hope it is.

I'm sorry but I've made up my mind.

Sly Fox, do you copy? Over.

- Dad...
- Do you copy? Over.

Dad, I'm standing right here.

BUZZING

Sly Fox, do you copy?

Yes, Golden Eagle. I copy.

- Happy now?
- Remember the plan, Jonno?

Sneak in, look for exam paper, steal exam paper and then run

away from scary nasty vampires.

I'm not saying all that again.

Just trying to instil good reconnaissance skills.

If you're wrong, you'll give up on the whole family of vampires thing?

I give you my word as a slayer. And as a father.

OK then, I'm going in. Or should I say...

- I'm going in.
- That's my boy.

Now, this test is tough, I'm not going to lie to you,

but you've got the moves and you've done the training.

Yeah and you can do this, I know you can.

And if you don't, I'll k*ll you.

Ingrid, go and get your brother a cold flannel for his worried brow.

Anything I can do to help my little brother pass his test.

Thanks, guys. I'll do my best.

But for now, I'd really like to be left alone.

Oh, I get it. You're in "the zone".

Um, no, not really.

- Well, you better get there quick.
- Ow!

Come on, you lot, keep moving.

No pain, no gain! Swing those elbows. That's it.

- Come on, boys, let's stretch out.
- Robin!

Footie stars don't hang around with their little sister.

- I've got a reputation.
- You've always had a reputation,

Robin, for being a complete idiot.

This is your last chance to say

you're sorry otherwise he's going to fail and it's goodbye Vlad forever.

I've got more important things on my mind, like making sure I don't pull a hamstring.

- You don't even know where your hamstring is.
- I do!

It's in my left ham.

I brought you your cape, just in case.

What exactly am I supposed to do with this?

Put it on and stop acting like someone you're not!

Come on, Robin!

I've been hanging around my dad too long.

Vampires. Good one, Dad.

Make way for the best soon-to-be-vampire that ever lived.

Yup, ready to kick the blood test's butt.

Mission accomplished!

Great work, Jonno. Where's the exam paper?

Sorry, Dad, there was no exam paper.

We're getting out the slaying business for good.

- We can still catch the match if we hurry.
- Wait, wait, wait!

Did you see anything else there?

Vials of blood?

Books on vampire lore?

The bloodless corpse of an innocent victim?

Nope. It's a vampire-free zone.

For goodness sake, you were only in there five minutes.

- You have to go back in.
- What? You promised!

And this time look properly.

Fine. I'll go back in.

I promise.

But seeing as we're not keeping our promises any more...

Time to catch the second half of the match.

Good luck, Vlad.

Try not to focus too much on the dreadful consequences of not passing.

Thanks, Dad. No pressure as usual.

Your exam starts now.

The future starts here.

SHOUTING AND CHEERING

What have I missed?

Nothing. Just a bunch of stupid boys running around a pitch.

- Our team's - down with a few seconds to play.
- Oh, tense.

It's an open goal. He's going to score!

SMASH!

How did he miss that?!

WHISTLE BLOWS

- You just cost us the game!
- It's not my fault.

I, erm, got something in my eye.

Why don't you go home and play with your cape, Robin?

Good idea.

Let's put an end to all this madness! Owhahaha!

Question eight -

what is the most common blood type? Who cares?

Sly Fox, come in.

Do you copy, Sly Fox?

"Sly Fox, do you copy?"

Do you copy, Sly Fox?

"Sly Fox, do you copy?"

Dad? Yeah.

"I mean, Golden Eagle.

- "Copy."
- What's that noise?

Is everything OK in the castle?

The butler's got his radio on.

Anyway, best get back to the search.

Over and out.

SNORING

Question ten - how do you turn yourself into a bat?

BELL SOUNDS

Don't move.

Pssst.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry for being an idiot.

I don't want you to fail your test.

Robin, it's too late. I've only got about ten minutes left.

I doubt I could pass now even if I wanted to.

Please, Vlad. You're my only friend.

And trust me, being normal really sucks.

OK, I'll do my best.

Now get out of here before Renfield catches you.

Knock and run. Pesky kids!

"Jonno? Jonathan Van Helsing?

"Sly Fox, do you read me?!"

Er, Dad, just had a run in with some unruly cobwebs.

Vampires, can't they dust? Just leaving, won't be a mo.

Golden Eagle, we have a problem.

I'm disappointed in you, son. You promised me that you'd look

- for that exam paper.
- And you promised me you'd give

up on this stupid slayer business.

I just wanted to be on the football team, Dad.

What's wrong with wanting to be like everyone else for a change?

Never mind, Jonno. Why don't I help you with this popcorn, eh?

- Plenty of time to unmask the forces of evil tomorrow.
- You bet.

COCK CROWS

GURGLING

BURP!

I'm surprised you've got an appetite considering your results will be here

- any minute, Master Vlad.
- Thank you, Zoltan.

You'd better have passed, Vlad.

I don't need full vampire powers to k*ll you while you sleep.

Confident, Vlad? You better be.

CHIMING

HOWLING

Here it is - the test results which will prove Vlad

to be the vampiric genius I know he is.

Ah. Well, that's rather disappointing, I must say.

Oh, no!

I can't believe this is happening.

%.

Even Ingrid scored more than that.

%?

- You mean he passed?
- Technically.

BOTH: Yes!

Did I mention that one day I'll be the most powerful vampire

in the world and you'll all fall at my feet and worship me?

I wouldn't get too cocky.

I've still got three more blood tests to go.