01x07 - The Darkness

[bunniefuu]

Principal Swift (over phone):
Swift, here.

- If you must leave a message, be swift about it.
- (voicemail beeps)

Yo, Swifty. So, uh,

I know you left Earth to go
back to Gor-Monia or whatever,

and I'm not even sure
you can get phone calls there,

but, well, I just don't know
what else to do.

It's been three days now,

and you're replacement
still hasn't shown up,

and none of my alien clients
will return my calls.

- Hit me back. 'Kay?
- (phone beeps off)

Principal Swift (over phone):
If you must leave a message,

- be swift about it.
-(voicemail beeps)

Me, again. Still not
getting to babysit,

since, you know,

you're the guy that
made that happen,

and whoever's supposed
to replace you is M.I.A.

'Kay? Just call me back.

- Principal Swift (over phone): Be
swift about it. -(voicemail beeps)

Guess who?
The one and only Gabby Duran.

I'm going a little crazy here just
waiting around to start babysitting again.

Also, can we just point out
how chill I'm being

about you walking out on me?

So chill.

- (voicemail beeps) - You don't just give
someone the chance to babysit aliens

and then take it away, okay?

It's the coolest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Now, call me back, you jabroni!

- (voicemail beeps)
- Hi, Swift.

Got a little heated, there.
Sorry.

But something must be up,

because I'm still waiting
to hear from your replacement

about my super-awesome,
life-fulfilling babysitting gig.

Just give me something,
anything.

- (phone bloops)
- Swift? That you?

Old woman (over phone):
Hello, Gabby. How are you?

You're not Swift!

Sorry, Abuela.
How's the hip?

(theme song playing)

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

♪ I do normal like a fish
rides a bicycle ♪

♪ Fit in like summer
and an icicle ♪

♪ Don't fight it,
just be an original ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh ♪

♪ I've always stayed
outside the lines ♪

♪ When I try to stay in,
it's no surprise ♪

♪ It's a fail, it's okay,
I'm one of a kind ♪

♪ One of a, one of a kind ♪

♪ So anytime I feel
some type of way ♪

♪ Don't understand
the human race ♪

♪ So what? So what? So what? ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ You do your thing,
You do your thing ♪

♪ When we don't fit in ♪

♪ We stand out in the crowd
and we shout it loud ♪

♪ I do my thing,
I do my thing ♪

♪ I'm the one and only,
I'm the one and only ♪

♪ Don't try to fit in,
Don't try to fit in ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, I do my thing ♪

(students chattering)

Still no word from
Swift's replacement, huh?

No. And it's driving
me crazy.

And now I'm realizing
that there's no guarantee

that this new guy will even
let me keep babysitting.

What happens then?
I go back to normal life? Ew.

I'm a babysitter for aliens.

And I don't know
what I'd be without that.

It's the only reason
I like this place.

I'm just gonna move past
that hurtful comment,

and say, at least the vice
principal's been super cool

running the school
while Swift's gone.

Yesterday, for no reason,
she just called me a good egg,

and said, "Here's
a Swirl Town gift card."

♪ Swirl Town ♪

I love frozen yogurt.

You know, people think it's the
ugly stepsister to ice cream,

but it's not.

It's the cute first cousin.

There's something off
about Vice Principal Kipper.

I mean, she knows
all the students' names,

and seems to only want
what's best for them.

Where's the grit?

Are you sure you don't dislike
her just 'cause you miss Swift?

(scoffs) That tall weirdo?
No way.

I mean, yeah, he changed my
life and everything, but, hey...

(clicks tongue)
eyes to the future.

Oh. Hey, maybe I'll have better luck
calling Swift from a different number.

Can I have your phone?

And remember, we have to
check on Jeremy after school.

He's been alone with the orb, and I'm
worried that they'll destroy each other.

Shalom, Swift.
It's Gabby again. I...

Whoa there, Gabbers.
(groans)

I hate to get all
tough tomatoes on ya,

but as vice principal
in charge-a-rusky,

I gotta remind ya,
no phone calls during school.

I'll tell you what.

You have a got a bright,
bright future ahead of you.

So why don't you go ahead,
put the only celly away,

and I'll turn a blind eye
this time.

- Okay.
- (gasps)

You feel that?
That is a teachable moment.

(giggles)

Swift, I really need
to talk to you. Call me back!

Zoinks! Ugh.

Oh...

I love that you are
a freethinker.

Our country could use more of those.
Am I right, Wes-Dawg?

- (claps)
- Maybe.

But, Gabs, I can't let
the phone thing slide twice.

Ugh. Don't hate me,

but I gotta give ya detench
after school.

- (sighs) - Kipper: Oopsie-daisy.
Oh. Just to be clear,

"detench" is short
for "detention. Sorry!

But hey... (whispers):
Check your pockets, Gaberella.

♪ Swirl Town ♪

How does she do it?

(school bell rings)

Whoa. What is this?

Well, don't think
about what it is,

but what it will be.

A "chill room,"

a place where students
in detention can sit quietly,

eat snacks, look inward,
and find their truth.

Sweet.

So for detention,
I'll just be hanging out in here?

No. For detention,
you'll be doing manual labor.

Well, chill rooms don't
build themselves, Gabby.

Right.

First order of business,
and, oh, don't hate me,

but you need to take out
that pile of trash.

It has been quite
the renovation in here.

And I recommend wearing this.

The rats have been
pooping in the garbage.

Those rascals.

(inhales)

Wesley:
Jeremy?

Huh.

Looks like no one's home.

- (Orb whirring)
- Aah!

Orb:
What are you doing, human?

Gabby asked me
to check on Jeremy.

Is he here?
He didn't leave Earth, too, did he?

Orb: No, but being alone in
the house made him paranoid.

- (thunder crashes)
- (gasps) Earth monsters!

I'll pummel you
if you come near me.

(thunder crashes)

(screams)

Orb: He has disguised himself
as an object in the house,

and will only morph back
when he feels safe again.

(gasps) Poor guy's probably
scared to death right now.

I gotta find him.
Did you see what he shape-shifted into?

Orb:
Negative.

But...

He... he could be anything.

(sighs)
Kipper's all,

(imitating Kipper): "Don't hate me"
this, and gift card that."

Who does she think she is?

If Swift hadn't left,
I'd be babysitting like I'm supposed to,

and not taking out
rat-infested trash,

and muttering to myself
like a lunatic.

(sighs)

- (trash clatters)
- (male yelps)

- (clatters)
- Oh!

That better not be a giant rat.

- (clattering)
- Ow!

Rats don't talk.

(groans)

Principal Principal Swift?

(whimpers)

Wesley:
I know you're scared.

You think the whole world
has turned upside down.

But I'm here now.

Your buddy, your pal.

Your safe place.

So I guess you're not
the houseplant, either?

How am I ever
supposed to find you?

Wait. The other day...

Wesley: Did you hear about the
expl*si*n at the cheese factory?

Nothing was left but "de Brie."

(both laughing)

(sighs)
Hey, Wes?

You know what I'd be if I could be
anything in the whole, wide world?

- What's that?
- A watermelon.

They always seem
so... peaceful.

♪ ♪

Jeremy.

(sobbing)

Obviously, I have a lot of
questions, but first I want to say,

how could you just leave me
with no notice?

And then not tell me
you were still here?

That hurt my feelings, dude!

(shuddering sobs)

(sniffles, groans)

So why don't you tell me
what happened?

(sobbing):
The Darkness.

The Darkness.

Orb: When something traumatic
happens to a Gor-Mon,

they enter "The Darkness."

Overcome with sadness,
they become a shell of themselves.

There are many symptoms,
including whimpering,

trash-dwelling,
and in worse cases,

ear farts.

(farting)

(chuckles):
Okay.

As funny as that is...
how do we fix it?

Orb: No one knows.
Every Gor-Mon is different.

Some never recover.

(shrieking)

Orb: Also,
there's the pain shrieking.

We can't just leave him
like this.

All right, Swifty.

Looks like I'm getting you
out of The Darkness.

(screaming)

You comfy, buddy?

Need anything else
to feel safe and secure?

Whenever you feel ready to
shape-shift back to human form,

go ahead, I'll be right here.

On your time, my friend.

On your time.

I don't know much about
this Darkness stuff,

but I do know that you
can't feel better

until you look better.

Now let's get rid of this whole
crusty, washed-out sailor look

that you're definitely
not rocking.

♪ Yeah, girl ♪

♪ Hit it! ♪

(whirring)

- Gabby: Missed a spot.
- (zaps)

(whimpers)

The face of rejection.

Oh, woe is me.

Woe, I say.

(shrieking)

Okay. Maybe let's try
doing something fun instead.

(thuds, clattering)

Next.

(groans)

Whenever I'm upset,
my mom always says I should talk it out.

So tell them how you feel.

Dig deep and let those
feelings out, big guy.

I was supposed to be adviser
to the supreme leader,

a hero to all Gor-Mons.

But my own planet
didn't want me.

They replaced me with some...

charismatic jokester,
and now I have nothing.

No purpose. No...
(inhales)

- (squishing)
- (whirling)

My life is pointless.

(squishing)

(whimpering, sobbing)

And strike three.

Honestly, I think you just need
some comfort food.

Then you'll feel better, and you
can morph back into your human form.

Order of taquitos
with extra queso.

Thanks, Julius.
It's actually for my friend.

It's an emotional support fruit.

(sighs)

Here you go, buddy.

Ah. Just how you like it.

Okay, take your time.
I gotta run to the bathroom,

so don't go anywhere, okay?

Now, what are you
doing out here?

(sighs)

- (school bell rings) - Gabby: People
find purpose in their jobs, right?

Trust me, you'll feel like
your old self again in no time.

- (farting)
- Ooh. (Whimpers)

Also, let's just go ahead
and put these on.

(students chattering)

Hey! Look who's back!

Air horn sound!
(imitates air horn)

It is our favorite princi-pal,
Principal Swift.

All right, round up
your welcome wagon.

Who is pumped
Principal Swift is back?

(clapping)

You've got some nerve
coming back here

after the things you said to us.

Why don't you go back to whatever
trash hole you crawled out of?

It was the school trash hole
outside, actually.

Please leave.

- This is weird for everybody.
- Students: Yeah.

You didn't just dunk on me.
You dunked on my dreams.

Be like Vice Principal Kipper.
She gives us gift cards.

- To Swirl Town.
- ♪ Swirl Town ♪

Boo!

I don't think they want me here.

- Be like Vice Principal Kipper.
- Whatever trash hole

- you crawled out of.
- Boo!

You dunked on my dreams.

- (all chattering)
- (imitating air horn)

(whimpering)

- (wailing)
- Gabby: Swift!

(wailing)

(whimpering)

It's okay.
Who cares what they think?

Honestly, people have booed me

way worse than that
lots of times.

Your planet,

mine,

everywhere I turn,
no one wants me.

(sobbing)

The Darkness!

Well, that's new.

♪ ♪

♪ Swirl Town ♪

Hmm. Ick.

So what, Swift?

You gooped yourself.
We've all been there.

So why don't you just
shape-shift back to normal,

so we can talk.

- (knocking on door) - Kipper: Hello?
You guys in there?

Hey, uh, door's jammed.

We're, uh, we're working on it.

Cool, cool.
Doors are such goofballs.

Quick question
for Principal Swift.

I'm making a little
run-a-roo to Swirl Town.

Do you want anything?

(clears throat)

(imitating Swift):
No, thanks. Uh, cheerio.

That is so weird.

You should just like Gabby Duran
doing a bad impression of you.

(laughs)
But whatever.

You're making a huge mistake
on the fro-yo, by the way.

Bye.

I gotta get you out of here.

(muffled): Nothing to see, folks.
(laughs nervously)

Jeremy!

Jeremy, where are you?

Oh, the watermelon.

One of our cooks thought it was
for our homemade agua fresca.

(Kn*fe clinking)

And you didn't stop him?

Next time, tip more.

(Kn*fe clinking)

You there! Stop!

(panting):
That's my friend.

- Hey. I...
- I'm sorry,

but one of these
is very important to me.

Your agua fresca
is delicious, by the way.

Orb, where are you?

I need you!

Orb:
What is it now, human?

- (squishing)
- What happened to him?

Orb: Full-body gooping.
The Darkness has taken him.

No. There's got to be
a way to fix this.

That bag of goop
changed my life.

Orb:
I'll dispose of this mess.

Gabby: Hey!
What are you doing?

- I order you to stop!
- Orb: Denied.

- (whirring)
- Get back here!

(gasps)

- Orb: Not my fault.
-No.

I'm covered in...

Just no.

(panting)

It's okay, Jeremy.

We're home now. We're safe.

I won't let anything
happen to you, ever.

No matter where we go

or what we do...

(distorted):
No!

(gasps)

(sniffles, whimpers)

(sighs)

I'm sorry, Swift.

I thought if I could give you
a purpose here,

like you gave me with
babysitting, it would help.

(sighs)

It really stinks that your
people don't want you back.

And it stinks that everyone likes
Vice Principal Kipper so much.

The whole gift card thing
actually creeps me out.

Like, how does she afford that on
an assistant principal's salary?

I mean, when I first moved here,

I felt lost and alone.

But you saw something in me.

You thought I was special enough
to babysit aliens.

I don't know what
happens next, but honestly,

if I had to give up
babysitting to have you back,

I would.

There's no replacing you.

- (burbling)
- (Gabby gasps)

Swift?

(gasps)

Swift!

Is it true?

You really wouldn't replace me?

Not in a million light-years.

(laughs softly)
And I really gave you purpose?

Dude, if you hadn't give me
this babysitting gig,

I'd be in The Darkness.

So, would you say
that I am your...

friend?

Totally.

- (squishing)
- (groaning)

(sighs)

(laughs)
Thank you, Gabby.

And for what it's worth,

there is no replacing you,
either.

You might be the first
real friend I've ever had.

And that's better than anything
they have on Gor-Monia.

For real?

The realest, Gabby.

- Hmm?
- (both laughing softly)

Still a little goopy, though.

I won't give up on you, Jeremy.

You have so much left to do,

so much to look forward to.

(panting) Where do
you keep the bandages?

- (squishing)
- Ah.

What's going on?

Jeremy?

How? I...

I thought you were this pile
of broken watermelons.

Jeremy: Know what'd I'd
be if I could be anything

in the whole, wide world?

A watermelon.

They always seem
so... peaceful.

Or a broom.

Brooms are cool, too.

(chuckles)

So, you were the broom
this whole time?

Yep. At first,
I was a little scared

at home by myself,

but then, I just kind of
took a long nap.

Aliens are the coolest!

What do you want to do now?
I'm bored.

Hey! Wanna play hide-and-seek?

I'll count first.

No cheating.

One Mississippi,
two Mississippi,

three Mississippi,
four Mississippi,

- five Mississippi...
- (squishing)

He morphed, didn't he?

Well, I have my
babysitting clients back.

And you're back at work.
How you feeling?

Never been better.

And thank you again,

Gabby, for rescuing me from...

(gasps)
The Darkness.

Anytime, Swifty.

You know, this "chill room,"

created by my predecessor,
is actually quite fun.

- This fro-yo, however, is quite awful.
- (both chuckle)

(shrieking)

- The Darkness is back?
- Hmm. Worse.

Brain freeze.

- (Gabby sighs)
- (laughing)

Oh. Oh, no. Yucky.

Wesley: Next time on Gabby
Duran and the Unsittables...

Who's ready for our first
Christmas in Havensburg?

Both:
Dad!

I don't think I'm gonna
be able to make it

in time for Christmas.

It's not Christmas without Dad.

How would you like
to save Christmas...

by becoming my dad?

♪ ♪

Man:
Gorgeous!