01x06 - To Protect and Serve

[bunniefuu]

OLIVER: When I direct a new show,

the hardest part is getting
the actors to trust each other.

I'm doing a podcast.

A true crime podcast about a m*rder

in our own building.

Are you associated with the deceased?

You're probably just
starting your investigation,

- looking into all the forensic...
- Goddammit.

If I meet one more true crime nut...

I am onto something great here.

- What was it? K?
- Now, it's .

I tend to make packs wherever I go.

When I was a kid, I
had my Hardy Boys pack.

Mabel is a sweet young woman who
promised not to keep secrets from us.

Oh my God! There she is!

- [GASPS]
- It's Tie-Dye Guy!

I didn't m*rder Tim Kono.

Tim was m*rder*d? Damn, he was right.

Tim thought he was gonna get m*rder*d?

He'd been trying
to take down this black market

jewelry dealer named Angel.

Tim Kono was a loner
who worked in a bank.

Taking down a black
market jewelry dealer

seems a little off-brand,
don't you think?

Maybe... Then again, I found
all these in his apartment.

♪

DETECTIVE WILLIAMS:
We're all born alone.

Unless you're a twin or something,

but twins creep me the f*ck out.

And don't even get
me started on triplets

or quadrupla... Whatever
the f*ck they're called.

I don't know 'cause that's
not my point. My point is

we're born alone,

spend most of our time alone,

then we all go out alone.

When I was a kid, there
was this show on TV...

Herman's Head. You remember this sh*t?

Herman was this dude who had

these imaginary people
in his head, advising him.

There's no such thing
as love at first sight!

WILLIAMS: One was the nervous
one, one was the romantic one...

I-I can't remember all the details,

but I remember the f*ck outta that show.

And I liked it 'cause
old Herman wasn't alone.

You know what I mean? He
had these people in his head.

[SITCOM LAUGHTER]

♪

For a long time,
I played it like Herman.

Just me and the people
advising me in my head.

And then I went and
f*cked that up by listening

to that romantic fucker in
my head a little too much.

CHARLES [ON PODCAST]:
Hey, podcast listeners.

Here at Only Murders in the
Building, when we get hungry...

WILLIAMS: Hey.

What you doing? We said we're
doing the nursery together.

I waited. As long as I could.

CHARLES: Perhaps Evelyn the
cat's paw prints meant nothing.

But perhaps they were
key to the entire...

Do not subject our unborn child

to this true crime bullshit, please!

- This one is cute.
- Mm...

I don't get a kiss hello?

Oh, my bad. My bad. I got you.

CHARLES: ... can't actually
see the color red...

You think I won't smell
that cigarette on you?

Don't start.

I had a dead kid today.

CHARLES: I'm coming to you live from...

A little girl.

Stepfather.

Abuse. All of that.

Alright.

But this sh*t stops when Kareem comes.

Who the f*ck is Kareem?

- Not my son.
- Kareem Abdul-Jabbar?

- So?
- Is an athlete, a scholar,

an activist?

And Kareem Hardison is Dwayne Wayne
on A Different World. I don't care.

- Kadeem.
- What?

Kadeem Hardison.

That's what I said. It's the same sh*t.

- What are you talking about?
- [KIARA LAUGHS]

You know, I was hoping you'd be
home in time to help me with this.

Did you not just hear me
tell you about my day today?

- [PODCAST CONTINUES]
- Just...

don't end up like Jerguson, Dee. Okay?

- That's not who I married.
- Alright. Okay.

CHARLES: Howard Morris lives
at the Arconia in apartment D,

a place pungent with cat dander.

The Arconia?

CHARLES: But even stronger than the odor

was Howard's rage toward Tim Kono.

What the f*ck? No, I-I closed that case.

Oh sh*t, that's you
they're talking about?

- What? W-what the f*ck are they saying?
- You know what?

- Let's just turn it off.
- No, that was a su1c1de,

open and shut.

Okay, but, um, sorry...
What about the paw prints?

- [EXAGGERATED GASP]
- Because the cat

that came in after,
and th-they found it.

You f*ckin' for real?

So, what?

- The cat did it?
- [LAUGHS]

No, for real. Let-let's
just... So, the cat did it?

Why are you listening to this sh*t?

My Yard Dog Homies were
boosting it on Twitter.

I mean, these guys, they're...

they're dopey, but they
tell the story really well.

Yeah, I don't... I don't tell stories.

And I don't make mistakes on my cases.

- Wait, where are you going?
- Where do you think?

- Dee, come on.
- You know...

you didn't have to hit me
with the work sh*t. Not today.

[DOOR SHUTS]

♪

We continued staring at the jewels

for what felt like a b*at too long.

I found them in Tim's apartment.

I went back alone after we left.

You went back without us?

Charles I get, but without me?

I found him this one.

And this one. These are all from Angel.

Who is Angel?

That's the only name I got.

Kono was obsessed with
buying pieces from Angel.

Sucks Tim d*ed before he
got the one he really wanted.

And which one was that?

Uh, I got a pic somewhere.

He'd been trying to track it
down for years. I can dig it up.

Yes, please,

and text it to me as
soon as you find it.

- Me, too.
- Me, three!

Just me.

You know, I hooked Tim up
with my jewelry connection,

Cutter, to talk about
that piece he wanted.

Oh my God!

The twists and turns of
this are just unbelievable.

It's like a-a rainbow crafted
by a drunken leprechaun.

I can say that 'cause
I'm three-quarters Irish,

and I have a teeny bit
of a drinking problem.

Wait. Tim was supposed
to meet Cutter here today.

[DOOR OPENS, BELL RINGS]

I'm gonna guess you're not Cutter.

You come to Bayport,

I have to hear it from
Miss Skullcap over here?

You don't call me?

Hey, Mom.

[LIVELY THEME SONG PLAYING]

[VOCALIZING]

And that sad and lonely boy

raised by a psychologically
abusive mother was none other...

than Stephen Joshua Sondheim.

[CHARLES SIGHS]

And let me tell you
something about Steve.

When he is on his game, it's a blessing.

- And when's he's not, I'm patient.
- Mm.

- [TEXT CHIMES]
- Hey.

Tavo texted me that photo from Tim.

SILVIA: Tim?

From the Arconia, Tim?

Why are you still in contact with
that boy after what he did to Oscar?

I'm not, Mommy. He d*ed.

- He was m*rder*d.
- m*rder*d?

- In the building.
- Catchy, right?

Ay, dios mio.

That place is no good for you.

I knew I shouldn't have
let you go back there.

Let me? I'm grown, Mommy.

We're investigating, and your
daughter has been a big help in this.

- What do you mean investigating?
- CHARLES: I mean, we,

and your daughter, are producing
a podcast about Tim Kono's m*rder.

I only let you go back
there because you promised me

you were focusing on your design career.

Stop saying that you let me.

And a podcast is nothing.

Well, tell that to our subscribers.

Wow. Seventeen, is that good?

- No.
- My daughter can't help herself.

She's trapped in the past.

But, you...

How old are you two? ?

I'll have you know that I am in

my very early mid- s.

Dragging my little girl back into

the worst thing that
ever happened to her?

I'm not a little girl!

My friend, our friend, Zoe d*ed

at a New Year's Eve party
on the roof of the Arconia.

And we think Tim saw
what really happened.

- But he never told anybody.
- Oscar got blamed and went away,

but he's out now, and I'm fine.

Is fine not being able to
finish anything or focus

because your mind is
trapped in the past?

- Please stop!
- Temores nocturnos fine?

[CHAIR SCRAPES]

Ahem.

♪

[SHUFFLING PAPERS]

_

Wait, what? "Not submitted"?

Oh, I thought I sent you to IT.

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[CLICKS]

How they hangin', Williams?

Lower by the day, Jerguson.

That's my guy. [SOFT LAUGH]

[PUTS DOWN CUP]

[SIGHS]

SILVIA: It's my fault.

I was always working.

So, when my rich sister
offered to take Mabel

for the school breaks, I thought...

qué maravilloso.

She'd go to the city,

see museums and plays...

be inspired to dream big.

You try watching your only child,

so smart, so sure of herself...

turn into a ghost from grief.

Then see if you want to
make a podcast about it.

We didn't know about that.

We didn't know about a lot... it seems.

But, your daughter is extraordinary.

- [LAUGHS]
- She's funny,

- intuitive...
- Weird.

[LAUGHS]

But, in-in-in the best ways.

The way all your
favorite people are weird.

Have you ever felt like there
was something you screwed up

so bad,

you'll never forgive yourself?

♪

Well...

For me,

it was letting her spend
time at that damn apartment.

Please leave her be.

Let her move forward, not back.

Mommy.

- Thank you for dinner.
- Yeah, th-thank you.

MABEL: You know, she's probably right.

This whole thing was stupid anyways.

It was many things,

but I'm not sure it was stupid.

Why?

I'm a stranger that lied to you a bunch,

and you're two randos that
dragged me into a podcast.

"Rando" is a slang for a
person of no significance.

- I used context clues, but thank you.
- You're welcome.

You could still do the podcast though.

Can learn how to use
Twitter. It's not that hard.

Don't do TikTok.

Mabel, it's been, uh...

it's been the most alive
I've felt in a decade.

Me, too.

♪

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

So, uh...

Goodbye.

[LOCKS DOOR]

[TRAFFIC NOISE]

We got yelled at.

- By a mom.
- I know.

I'm shook.

- Mabel taught me that word.
- Mm.

- Same.
- You know, it's a law of nature.

Nothing good ever
happens on Long Island.

[OLIVER SNIFFS]

Gut Milk is really good.

Right?! I think it's giving me abs.

% alcohol.

Mm.

- Cheers.
- Hey.

We had a good run,

but we can't possibly go on.

Fully agree.

And why is that exactly?

This is Mabel's life.

We can't exploit her
pain, playing detective.

Every true crime story

is actually true for someone.

And this is just occurring to you?

I guess it feels personal now.

It already felt personal
to me 'cause of Winnie.

Who's Winnie?

Who... Are you kidding me?!

My dog! Winnie! Who's recovering

from being poisoned... The fact that

you forgot about her completely
is deeply concerning to me.

Why? We barely know each other.

Mabel was right. We're all randos.

Of course we know each other!

Are my parents dead or alive?

- Dead.
- Lucky guess.

[TEXT CHIMES]

Is that Mabel?

No, it's Teddy. Our sponsor.

"Come to me.

We need to speak."

[SIGHS]

All caps. Ominous.

No, that's just the way he types.

But it still seems bad.

♪

Would you mind coming with me?

Or am I too rando?

[INSECTS CHIRPING]

[DROPS KEYS]

[SOFT MUSIC, INDISTINCT SINGING]

You know I barely dated my entire s?

Did you know that?

I was alone.

Then,

on a random Tuesday night,

I pull over this woman

who I caught texting while driving.

And then this broad had the audacity

to lie to my face

and say that she wasn't texting.

I wasn't lying!

You still lying to me in my face!

[BOTH LAUGH]

But, I knew...

then...

I wasn't gonna be alone anymore.

And now, we got this kid coming...

Kareem.

No. Over my dead
body. We're not doing it.

[LAUGHS]

I just need to know that
I'm gonna be good at this.

- You will be.
- No, you don't know that.

I do!

Just like I knew those podcast
guys were onto something.

You missed something, didn't you?

The tox reports...

they weren't submitted.

And the victim's phone...

never made it to IT.

Oh my God, yes!

So now, you swoop in there

and reopen the case
like a g*dd*mn hero boss,

- and just...
- Baby, no.

When they don't submit something,

that means they want all hands off,

and I can't get up to sergeant by
opening a case that I already closed.

No. That's not how it works.

That's what we're not gonna do.

But what we will do...

is that we gonna go in here

and work on this nursery

- for my man Keith.
- Keith?

Oh yes. You know, it's
not quite... Kareem.

- Yeah, it's not...
- But it's also not lame as f*ck.

- I could dig it.
- Okay.

- Keith...
- Thank you.

[INSECTS CHIRPING OUTSIDE]

[SIGHS]

[DOOR SHUTS]

Wow, I think I would've remembered this.

Yeah. Well, during my depressing years,

my mom told me to read
about the Tree of Life.

Instead, I just made one.

It's amazing.

Could never forget the SVU poster.

Weird-ass crush you had on Stabler.

The hottest criminal
mind ever is right here.

- Oh.
- And he kept it pretty tight.

I know it's nothing compared
to what you went through, but...

I had it pretty hard
after everything happened.

Yeah.

Seems like we all did.

- What's this? Huh?
- Oh. No, no.

- Mabel Sixth Grade?
- So embarrassing.

- Yes, please. Hold on.
- No! Don't want you to see it!

- Have a seat! Come on!
- I don't wanna look at...

We'll look at it together. Here.

- [MABEL SCOFFS]
- [OSCAR LAUGHS]

Whoa! Who is this cute little boy? Huh?

MABEL: Um, I was adorable.
I don't know what you're...

What did you do to Silvia for
her to give you a bowl cut?

And now, you've lost the right
to look at these. So, good job.

[OSCAR SIGH]

[TURNING PAGES]

[CRINKLING]

[SIGHS] Damn.

MABEL: Holy sh*t.

Tavo's text.

♪

OSCAR: What the hell?

Why was Tim after the
ring that Zoe had on

- the night she d*ed?
- No.

She didn't have it on.

Not when she d*ed.

- [LOW SIRENS]
- [QUIET CROWD CHATTER]

You don't forget the image of your
girlfriend's body on the ground.

But it's right here.

So, does this mean she lost
the ring before she went over?

Yo, can we stop now?

- Are you okay?
- Can we please spend, like,

two minutes talking about not death?

All I wanted to do today
was just... be with you.

I've thought about this moment a lot.

I've thought about you a lot.

Me, too.

I think...

I've kind of been waiting for you.

Uh, sorry. I-I don't
mean waiting for you

like I was waiting...

waiting for you. I
didn't save myself for...

No, no, yeah, yeah. Yeah. For sure.

I did other things. I...

I worked. I went to parties.

I got bangs that were awful,
and I had to hide for a month.

No, I-I bet you looked hot.

You'd lose that bet.

Well, let's see for myself.
Were they like the lower...

Little longer and then
they did, like, a curl...

- Oh God. You're right.
- [MABEL LAUGHS]

They're... It's horrible.
I can't unsee that.

♪

Do-do you ever feel like you've been

too inspirational, Cinda?

You know, like everyone
has a podcast now.

It has gotten a little out there.

Like, I guess the
actor who played Brazzos

- has his own podcast now?
- JIMMY FALLON: What?

Wait, Charles, uh...

Haden Church? No, I'm mixing him up.

CINDA CANNING: Uh...
He's Brazzos, and he's

investigating a real m*rder, uh,
in his Upper West Side building

with a theater director

- and one of their granddaughters.
- FALLON: Wow.

And their prime suspect is Sting.

- [AUDIENCE LAUGHTER]
- No!

Yes! The title of their podcast

is Dimas Chicken Wraps Presents...

Colon. Only Murders In The Building.

- [FALLON, AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
- [BANGING TABLE]

[CINDA LAUGHING]

Well, I do... I do love
a Dimas Chicken Wrap.

Love 'em! Everybody loves
a Dimas Chicken Wrap.

- FALLON: My goodness.
- [SHUTS OFF TV]

[TEDDY SIGHS]

[PUTS DOWN GLASS]

OLIVER: Teddy...

Do you understand...

how huge Fallon is in Greece?

Do you know what my
cousins back on Nisyros

are gonna do when they see this?

They're gonna sh*t themselves, Ollie!

They're gonna squat right
down in their goat fields

and sh*t themselves in envy!

[LAUGHS]

Ha. That's... Wow.

Yeah, that's... quite an image.

You did it! You f*cking homered!

Two episodes of your "podcast,"

and my name is in Fallon's mouth! Wow!

You've got more coming,
right? Please tell me

- you've got more coming soon!
- OLIVER: Of course.

- Yes. Yes, of course.
- Actually, we've had a setback...

With lots of juicy twists and turns

and room for at least four
Dimas spots in every hour?

- At least. Sure.
- Oh...

I gotta tell you, I
feel like a proud papa.

My boys.

[SIGHS] Now...

I'm writing you a check...

and it's gonna be large.

But, I don't want a fight.

- , for the next three episodes.
- CHARLES: Oh...

We can't accept that, Teddy.

- Don't say that.
- Oh please, don't say that.

Well, uh, we lost one of our
partners, and it wouldn't be right.

Come here. Come here, right now.

You see that?

That coin is my entire family legacy.

You know of the Greek
and Armenian Holocaust?

[SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

My grandmother.

My yiayia Evangelia

was a young woman when the Turks

started slaughtering all the Greeks,

forcing them to flee their home.

They didn't have banks back then,
so women would wear necklaces

with their family's life savings

in gold coins around their necks.

Desperate to flee,
my yiayia made a trade

with a Turkish soldier.

Her necklace for a spot on a
boat to take her to America.

The soldier let her keep two coins.

One to invest in a new future,

and one for luck.

Yiayia...

held tight to those coins...

through a sea

made red with blood and
the chopped-off limbs

of her whole family.

Till she finally made
it to Ellis Island.

♪

Still clutching those two coins.

She used one

to start a small sandwich shop,

and the other she held onto...

and passed it on to my father,

so he'd never forget the sacrifices

made to carry on

our proud Dimas name.

And your father passed it to you.

We, uh, didn't see eye-to-eye.

In fact, he vowed he'd
take the coin to his grave

rather than give it to me.

Well, obviously he changed his mind.

Or I dug the fucker up and ripped
it out of his cold dead hands.

[LAUGHS]

- [CONTINUES LAUGHING]
- Oh... Oh...

[OLIVER LAUGHING NERVOUSLY]

- Oh, y... Oh...
- What... the f*ck?

Th-that's so good.

Tha... You fooled me.

My yiayia Evangelia taught me

to make investments in the people

who've been loyal to you,

even when there's risk.

I have a whole separate business

in her name where I do this work.

♪

So, please...

do me this honor.

SILVIA: So, is Oscar a good kisser?

- Mommy!
- [SYLVIA LAUGHS]

I saw the way he was looking at you.

The same way he looked at
you when you were teenagers.

I wish I could go back
in time to those days.

And do what?

I don't know.

- Keep you there until...
- Till...

Until I'm dead.

Then, you can go do whatever you wanted.

The old men are sad characters.

- I guess. Sort of.
- Mm.

They're also the first friends
I've had in a really long time.

- But seriously, how old are they? Yeah.
- They're, like, really old.

I have to see this through.

I have to figure this out.

I could never read you
stories when you were little.

I tried, but...

you always wanted to
skip right to the end.

[SOFT LAUGH]

You always needed to know what happened.

♪

[SIGHS]

[KISS] Baby...

CHARLES [ON PODCAST]: If only we
had a window into Tim Kono's mind.

Some way to know more of
what he was doing in the days

leading up to his death. A laptop,

a calendar, any piece of physical
evidence that would bring us closer

to the truth.

♪

WILLIAMS: I don't remember
how Herman's Head ended,

but I suspect it ended with
him finally finding the girl.

Or the guy. I could
never tell with Herman.

And not needing those advisors

- _
- in his head anymore.

That's how I would've done it.

Herman doesn't need them
'cause he's not alone anymore.

But even if you're not alone,

it doesn't mean you
don't need help sometimes.

We have , downlo...

, !

Why do we have to get popular now?

Apparently, people still watch live TV.

Where was this audience when
I directed Godspell Live on NBC?

- That was you?
- No, but it should've been.

See, I-I'm not getting them.

I'm hitting refresh,
and nothing is working.

You're in airplane mode. Again.

[CLICK, BEEPING]

- What?
- You knew my phone settings.

I'm not a rando.

Alright, we need to deal with this mess.

Your dip man gave us $ , .

Right, and-and...

we can't accept it because...

we agreed not to profit off

our young friend's tragedy.

That's right, so we
have to take that check,

and we have to rip it up.

[GROWLS]

[WHIMPERS]

- Now?
- Yes.

I think we have to rip it up, uh, now.

- Wait, wait, wait!
- Wha... Thank God. What?

What's this account?
It's not in Teddy's name.

Well, he said he had a
separate business account for...

Look at the name.

"Angel, Inc."

Oh no, no, no. Teddy is not the Angel

that Tim Kono was trying to bring down.

I was wondering

when he said his yiayia's name.

Evangelia.

Angel.

[DOORS OPEN, BANG]

- You don't knock?
- Hey.

Women who knock rarely make history.

A peace offering. Silvia's tamales,

and I picked up some hummus.

This hummus expired yesterday.

But we both know you're gonna eat it.

I know. It's true.

Look...

I'm really sorry about
lying to you guys.

On multiple fronts. For weeks.

An inordinate amount of lying.

It was borderline sociopathic.

It's just...

very hard for me to trust people.

Honestly, it's pretty hard
for me to even like people.

But you guys...

Are you really gonna make me say it?

I'd kinda like to hear the words, yes.

Also rank us. I'm dying to
know who your favorite is.

I want to do this podcast.

I have to finish this with you guys.

That...

is so rando.

That...

is not the right gesture.

- Give me those tamales.
- Wait.

My final peace offering.

Someone left this for
me at the front desk.

It's Tim Kono's phone.

- CHARLES: What?
- OLIVER: Whoa!

But we need to find the password.

- Oy...
- Oh...

Well, we got one for you.

♪

Here.

Say hello...

to Angel.

Teddy Dimas?

Wait, so you're saying...

That's right. Our prime sponsor

is now our prime suspect.

Ooh, that's good.

That'll make a great
last line for an episode.