01x05 - Animal Control

[bunniefuu]

He was a real spurter.

Yeah, must have had high blood pressure.

Should probably see a physician.

Well, he definitely should now.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Oh, Laszlo, I feel wild.

I want to do something stupid and crazy.

All right. What say we
retire to our bedchamber

and slip into some
informal evening wear?

And by that, I mean the nude.

[LAUGHS]: Oh, Laszlo.

Laszlo?

Shh. Look.

That's our new neighbor, Phil.

Digestif, my darkest princess?

Laszlo, we've just eaten.

I want to do something different.

[ROLLS TONGUE, LAUGHS]

Well, why don't I eat and you watch?

That's kinky.

Is it?

[CHUCKLES] Bickering like
a couple of ninnies.

I know, right? It's like, "Sheesh.
We get it.

You've been together for centuries."

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Those are vampires.

You don't get to insult them.

- I was just...
- You're not a vampire.

- I'm sorry, Master.
- Geez.

I mean, come on, we get it already.

You've been married for centuries.

Watch this.

Bat.

Just get on with it, Laszlo.

Come to me, Phil.

Submit to my dark power.

Submit to my dark power.

When was the last time
I felt his dark power?

I say come to me, Phil.

I'm not staying for this.
You're being very boring.

Submit to my dark power.

[BAT SQUEAKING]

- [HISSES]
- WOMAN: Phil? I'm home.

- Phil? Who are you talking to?
- LASZLO: sh*t. Bat!

[SHRIEKING, GRUNTING]

- [GRUNTING]
- [BAT SCREECHING]

[GRUNTING FIERCELY]

- Oh!
- NANDOR: Oh, sh*t.

GUILLERMO: The f*ck?

BOTH: Ooh...

["YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING]

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪

- Come on.
- COLIN: What's going on?

NANDOR: Laszlo was over at Phil's house.

COLIN: Okay.

NANDOR: And Phil's girlfriend
hit him over the head

- and knocked him unconscious.
- COLIN: Okay.

NANDOR: So now we need to rescue him.

COLIN: Well, where's Nadja, though?

NANDOR: I don't know.

NADJA: Obviously, being in a marriage
for centuries can get boring.

And it is in these moments
of dissatisfaction

that I think about my
human ex-lover, Gregor.

Oh, he is the most fantastic of men.

[SIGHS]

If I did have to give
one criticism, though,

it would be that he did accidentally get

his head cut off in every life he's had.

[SCREAMING]

Such short, sweet lives.

sh*t. sh*t, sh*t.

[GRUNTING]

No, no, no, no, no, no.

[GRUNTING, PANTING]

AUTOMATED VOICE: Please take the ticket.

Holy sh*t. Wow.

NADJA: He has been reincarnated again.

And in this life, he is called Jep...

Jean. Jange.

Uh, no, it's, um, Jex.

Jesh. Jenk?

It-it sounds like Jesh.

But, no doubt, he has been reborn

as another heroic figure.

Hey, hey, hey! No, no, no!

I told you guys, okay,
you're not supposed

to come in here unless you
have a car, all right?

And, uh, those don't
look like cars, so...

- [SCOFFS] You're not a cop, man.
- I'm not a...

- You can't tell us what to do.
- All right, I'm taking your name down.

I'm taking your name down. Hey.

In the camouflage. I can still see you.

NANDOR: All right,

one of us needs to be
invited in and get Laszlo.

I am nominating Guillermo,

because I am too foreign
and you are too boring.

Well, Guillermo doesn't
need to be invited,

as he's a human being.

I would prefer to be invited in.
It's more polite.

Actually, it looks like
it's a moot point.

They've stolen Laszlo.

I'm not approaching him.
Just going to watch.

[EXHALES]

[MOANING]

[GRUNTS]

Gregor. Gregor.

He's not answering, 'cause
that-that is not his name.

Jesk.

[CLATTERING]

Hey. Wow.

What a wonderful shock
it is to see you here.

- Yes. [CHUCKLES]
- Do you think maybe

you could let me into your
shelter of automobiles?

What?

Oh, uh, yeah. Come on in, of course.
Yeah.

[LAUGHS SOFTLY]

Well, how have you been?
I-I didn't think

I'd ever see you again.

You will always see me again.

Okay. Uh, this is where I work.

Hence the... why I'm working here.

- Amazing.
- Yeah.

You are protecting a vast empire.

Three floors, yeah.

Are the cameras with you?

You don't see the cameras.

Okay. Yeah. Come on in.

Oh, we got your birds, your
rats... people hate rats.

Then you got your skunks.

We get a lot of calls for skunks.

I have to get closer to
see if he's in there.

- [YELLS, MOANS IN PAIN]
- [THUDS]

[DOGS BARKING]

Sounds like an owl to me.

So do you keep your horses
on one of the levels?

Uh, no. There was a Jaguar in here once.

It's a pretty nice car. Just
thought it was pretty cool.

NADJA: I have met Gregor
in many incarnations.

Soldier, spy, wax seller, monger,

carpet monger, suitcase monger,

fishmonger, fly monger.

He mongers a lot in his lives.

Your job is so complicated, Gregor.

- Oh...
- So stimulating.

- [BOTH CHUCKLE]
- No.

A-Again, you know, it, uh...
it's "Jeff."

Shh.

I have crossed oceans
of time to be with you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

-I'm imagining
swimming through time.
-Yes...

- But I have.
- Oh, wow.

Well, I'm gonna get off
work here, in a second.

I just got a little bit more to
do, if you want to hang out.

Oh, it is forbidden,
but ten, minutes?

- Yes, that's great.
- I will see you then.

- Okay, cool.
- [MOANING]

NADJA: He's always got a very,
very strong sexual energy

that calls to my sexual energy.

Deeply sexual.

That's Gregor.

So, our roommate, Laszlo,
was knocked unconscious

whilst in bat form by our
neighbor, uh, Phil's girlfriend,

and he's now caged and
inside the animal shelter.

Uh, uh, Laszlo, not Phil,
our neighbor's girlfriend.

Yes.

We must get him out before daybreak.

Well, and that's the thing

with these night walkers here, isn't it?

You know, a little bit
of sunlight, and poof.

They go up in flames.

- I've never gone poof, but it's okay.
- Not yet.

The vampires are always like,
[accent]: "Ooh! I'm a vampire.

I'm immortal. I'm...
[regular voice]: whatever."

Well, okay. Well, how about
you go be immortal at brunch?

NADJA: So what is the
itinerary for tonight?

Are you going to punish
your worst enemy?

Embarrass him in front of his elders?

- Oh, uh...
- Or are we going to destroy

the worst criminals from your village

and I will help?

Wait, in Staten Island?

How about find some red witches
and cut their feet off?

We could go to the carnival.

I mean, they've got games there.
It's pretty dope.

It is like a freak show?

I don't think you're
supposed to say that.

We used to have a freak
show in my village.

We would get given one balloon

between all my brothers and sisters.

And then we would bite
at each other to get it.

One year, my sister bit
my brother's thigh,

and then we sold the meat for money.

Hello. C-Can we come in?

Excuse us, can we come into the shelter?

We're open till : .

- Okay, that's great.
- We see that.

BOTH: Can we come in?

Yeah, come in.

How's your night been, guys?

- It's none of your business.
- What are you... What?

- How's your night been?
- It's been fine.

Okay, good. Ours has, too.

Isn't this the one that
you ate last week?

I didn't. I wouldn't.

[WHISPERS]: It's locked.

You guys looking for the bathroom?

I need to do a two.

It's right behind you, man. That door.

- Wait. Where are you going?
- [DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

They're not happy tonight, Bobby.

- Yeah, what's up?
- Oh, I brought in a bat.

BOBBY: Okay.

A little fella, you got to see this guy.

- Look at his face.
- [LAUGHS]: Yeah.

BOBBY: This guy looks like
a little English guy.

KAREN: Yeah, he's a little,
little British chap.

Wait, wait, wait, let me blow
him up there. Look at...

- You see something? You see something?
- No way.

That is a bat's erect
penis on that screen.

Laszlo's.

Okay.

We're gonna have to get
him a little rabies sh*t.

I want you to bring me the
strange bat with the erection.

Wait, hang on a second.
Can you imagine him

with that little British
top hat, like, "Whoo..."

- Like a little explorer.
- I don't think that worked.

- I know.
- Not so hot at hypnotism, huh?

I'm fine at hypnotism; it's just
you can't hypnotize a subject

that doesn't want to do something

that you want them to do.

If the only time you
can hypnotize someone

is when you have them do
something they want to do,

then it's not really hypnotism, is it?

[BOTH HISSING]

Wait a minute, can we help you guys?

Uh, yeah. We're actually
looking for a lost pet.

- Oh. Okay.
- Okay.

- What kind of pet is it?
- A normal one.

Like, a bat.

Oh, now, bats are illegal.

He said "cat," ma'am.

Well, if you have any
sort of missing animal,

then you just need to fill
out the required paperwork,

and then we'll go have a
look in the back for you.

Fine.

NADJA: Gregor doesn't
know I am not human

and I cannot do certain
things, like eat human food.

Hey. I got us some popcorn.

What is it?

Popcorn? You've never had popcorn?

- You're gonna love it. Here, try it.
- Oh.

- Just try one piece.
- Oh, I'm-I'm... No, I...

- No, just come on, just...
- Ooh, wait a minute.

Got it? No, just... let
me put it in your mouth.

- [GROWLS]
- If you just...

If it touches your tongue, it'll stay.

It sticks to your tongue.

That's what's kind of fun about it.

There you go. Yeah.

Mm. Hmm.

[JEFF GRUNTS]

Mm. That was so nice.

- Yeah.
- Hey, do you want more?

- Oh, no. I'm-I'm okay.
- I got a whole bucket.

No! No. No. [CHUCKLES]

Okay, so the ASBN- I need, but...

MA- is of no use to
me whatsoever, correct?

Uh, exactly. [YAWNS]

[WHISPERING]: I'm trying
to find an open window.

I think I found one.

[BAT SQUEAKING]

Laszlo.

There you are.

I've come to rescue you. [GRUNTS]

[DOGS BARKING, CATS YOWLING]

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS] Gregor. It is
your beloved w*apon.

You are the master archer.

Yeah. I... I am pretty
good at this in VR.

Behold the great Gregor the archer.

It's Jeff.

Bring this place to its knees.

Oh, sh*t. [GROANS]

Imagine it is a horde of Turkish.

- Horde of what?
- [HISSES]: k*ll them.

[JEFF SIGHS]

I kind of suck at this. I don't know.

What has happened to you?

[QUIETLY]: Stupid.

NANDOR: We are out, we
are out, we are out.

- [BELL TINKLES]
- Here. Guillermo.

[PANTING]: This is the third
animal shelter I visited.

- We did it?
- NANDOR: Yes, yes, yes.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [BAT SQUEAKING]

Laszlo, you are free now.

- So be free.
- [YELPING]

- Oh...
- You're welcome.

- Yeah.
- f*cking guy.

Are you guys sure it was him?

Where the f*ck am I?

I say!

Release me.

So, what just happened is
that Nandor took a bat

that was being treated here,

and he just re released
it into the wild.

Uh, a sick, sick bat.

Do you think I might have rabies now?

- Possible.
- Not now, Guillermo.

JEFF: I just don't know how
it's my responsibility to pay

for both Internet and cable.
When you have a roommate,

you're supposed to kind of split
everything down the middle.

- This is a misery for my ears.
- I know, I just...

- Nice outfit, freak.
- [COUGHS] Goth sucks.

You mustn't k*ll them, please.

- Oh, no, I wasn't gonna do anything.
- Really? Huh.

Yeah. I... you know, I see a lot
of this as a security guard,

and the best way to handle this...

RECORDED VOICE: Congratulations.
We have a winner!

What happened?-He was
playing the game wrong.

I cannot believe how
boring Gregor has become.

In every other past life,
he was so exhilarating.

Such a maverick.

You know, when he was a washer woman,

he would pour dirty old mop
juice all over my body

and rub it into me while he ravished me.

- When he was a wild horse...
- [NEIGHING]

I rode him naked all
throughout the countryside.

But this version of Gregor?

It is a boring disgrace.

And you know what? It's because
they named him Jeps. Jeff.

Wow, you were really good at ring toss.

- I had so much fun tonight.
- I cannot take this.

I cannot take how
boring you have become.

How are you supposed to be a strong,

thrilling, powerful warrior and lover

with a name like Jeff?

It is like a weak ejaculation.

- [WHINY GRUNTING]
- Okay.

- Jeff.
- Okay, all right, all right.

You know what? You're
being really rude to me

and my Uncle Jeff, but
also Grandpa Jeff,

- and that's where I draw the line.
- Go back.

Remember.

Remember who you are.

Ah...

[DEEP VOICE]: I am standing
on the crest of a hill.

Atop the Carpathian Mountains.

- I am victorious from battle.
- [ARMOR CLANKING]

[GRUNTS]

But I am punctured...

by many arrow.

Yet I survive.

I must survive...

to see my lover.

Nadja.

Love... will get me through.

Desire... will fuel my journey.

Oh, Gregor...

- it is you. [MOANS]
- Hark.

A rider approaches.

He is wielding a sword.

It comes towards me,

- aiming directly for my hea...
- [SWORD RINGS]

Oh, next life.

Be down in a minute, sire.

This mop...

It is as full of water as I am desire.

- [MOANING]
- I want to, but I mustn't.

- No, you can.
- No, he will hear.

Just one little kiss with our lips.

He will be so angry.-Just
stick our mouths together.

[MOANING]

-[GASPS] Oh, no, sir,
not my head.
-Next!

[SNORTS]

[HOOVES CLOPPING]

[SNORTS]

- _
- [DOGS BARKING, CATS MEOWING]

Silence, my four-legged friends.

I sense you are angry tonight.

And with good reason.

For we have been imprisoned.

- [CAT YOWLS]
- Yes, without trial.

Now is the time to hoist our oars

and row towards freedom.

Agreed?

- [CAT YOWLS]
- Thank you.

Now, I'm assuming

that there is a cat in
the cage to my right.

- [YOWLS]
- Excellent.

You will succumb to my dark power,

and you will undo your latch

- and free me.
- [YOWLS]

Loosen your latch and free me.

- KAREN: All right...
- Succumb... sh*t.

- Bat.
- Here you go.

Over here. You know your spot.

There you go.

Home, sweet home.

Be good.

All right. Night, fellas.

Woof, woof.

- Nandor? Is that you?
- Yes.

I turned myself into a dog
to come and rescue you.

Hang on a second... you
turned yourself into a dog

- in a place that imprisons dogs?
- I just thought I'd be

a bit creative and come and rescue you.

You don't want me to rescue
you, I can go again.

And tell me how you do that.

You're locked in a f*cking cage.

Oh...

What's Nadja gonna say? Where is she?

Uh...

[NADJA LAUGHING]

- OFFICER: No! Stop!
- [NADJA WHOOPS]

- Stop!
- My Gregor, yes!

OFFICER: Come on!

Hey, not-a-cop.

[NADJA HISSES]

[GRUNTING]

Whoa, whoa. Holy sh*t.

♪

- Yes.
- We have defeated time itself.

We have been drawn together.

- [MOANING]
- Let's make love right now.

- Right here?
- Yeah, here.

Right here on the dirty ground
in this filthy parking lot.

Oh, I was hoping you would say that.

-Yeah.
-Oh...
-[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Oh, God. You want to get that?
Do you need to get that?

Hello?

Hello, Guillermo.

[SCOFFS] Yeah, I see.

He did what?

I'm... Okay, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, okay. Bye-bye.

Bye. Okay. Yeah.

Sorry, I have to leave.

- Stay with me.
- I know.

Let's make animalistic,
freaky sex right now.

No, but somebody else needs me

in a much less erotic way, but,
you know, it is what it is.

But I've d*ed for you, Nadja.
I've seen it.

These visions are enough
to drive a man to madness.

Oh, it was only one
time you d*ed for me.

The other times were just accidents.

A few hours ago, my life was normal,

and now everything I
thought I knew was real

has turned out to be an illusion.

I'm married with a husband. Farewell.

- [WHOOSHING]
- No, no, Nadja. Nadja. Nadja!

[GASPS]

Oh, my God!

- [GASPS] Nadja?!
- [RATS SQUEAKING]

COLIN: And, like, I've also
noticed that some dogs

are really, really big, and other dogs

- are really small...
- [THUMPING AT WINDOW]

Oh, thank God.

- [HISSES]
- Sorry. Thank goodness.

- Laszlo and Nandor are in cages inside.
- [NADJA SIGHS]

- [COLIN DRONING]
- Please come in, ma'am.

Thank you.

What is the code for your door?

- - - - .

- That's the code for the door?
- Uh-huh.

[SIGHS HEAVILY] Humans, I can't...

[DOGS BARKING]

Yay, it's Nadja.

Hello, my darling. What
are you doing here?

- I've come to help you out of the cage.
- Absolutely no need.

- Mr. Cat next door...
- [YOWLS]

I was in the process
of hypnotizing him.

I was moments away from escaping.

I don't know why you bothered coming.

Sh-sh*t.

I've got to free my fellow inmates.

I made a gentleman's promise.

OFFICER: Well, the suspect stated

that he is an ancient warrior
who's been reborn anew,

- et cetera, et cetera.
- JEFF [GRUNTING]: That's all the truth!

You can ask my ex... we
were together ages ago.

She turned into a pile of rats.

Okay, buddy. I'll just
ask the pile of rats.

I am Gregor!

Victor of many battles.

I am cleaning lady!

♪

- [MEOWS]
- Run and be free, my comrade.

- What the f*ck?
- [CATS YOWLING, HISSING]

- [CATS YOWLING]
- [SCREAMING]

Still no thank-you?

Release your claws, you
ungrateful bastards.

- [CRICKETS CHIRPING]
- [DOGS BARKING]

[EXHALES]

[HISSING, GROWLING, SLURPING]

- [EARBUDS: MUSIC PLAYING]
- [GAGGING]

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- [GAGS]