03x16 - Where's Fran?

[bunniefuu]

Oh, I can't believe you saw Maggie

and her new boyfriend smoking cigarettes.

Well, I'm just glad she wasn't smoking

because they just had... you know.

She's too young to... you know.

Believe me, kids nowadays are
you-knowing before you know it.

So what are you gonna
do, tell Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, no. I could never betray
Maggie's trust like that.

Then she'd start telling on me.

No. I've got a better idea.

I am going to let Mr. Sheffield

catch me smoking right in front of Maggie.

Oh, Fran, that is a brilliant idea.

You don't get it, do you, Val?

No.

When Maggie sees Mr.
Sheffield reaming me out,

she's gonna be so petrified

she's never gonna want to smoke again.

Oh, here they come.

Oh, boy, does this bring back memories.

You miss smoking?

No.

I miss you-knowing.

Sweetheart, you want a cup of...

Miss Fine, what the devil are you doing?

Oh, my God. Mr. Sheffield.

I didn't expect you to
come home and catch me.

Don't you hate when that happens?

Have you lost your mind?

Oh, I know.

Smoking in front of the children?

Oh, I know.

Well, I've always known
you weren't too bright,

but of all the stupid
things you've ever done...

I... what'd you say?

You think I'm stupid?

Well, I'd love to find
some other explanation,

but there doesn't seem to be one.

Look, there may be somebody
stupid in this room,

but it sure ain't me.

What did I do?

Do you know who you are speaking to?

Yeah.

I'm speaking to the guy that if he
doesn't take back what he just said,

he's gonna be looking for a nanny.

I've been looking for one for
the last three bloody years.

I am out of here. And Niles
feels the same way, too.

Tell him, Niles.

Who loves you, baby?

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Um, Dad, if you and Fran split up,

uh, who do we live with?

Me, sweetheart.

Oh.

Find her!

Dad, you know, I really just cannot believe

that you called her a moron,

threw her out in the snow
without a winter coat.

I did no such... who told you that?

Does it really matter where the boy,

who has a Playboy hidden
in the hamper, heard it?

I never said "moron".

But you must admit she has done some things

that would qualify her
as the fourth Stooge.

Shave him.

All right.

You're the doctor.

(HUMMING)

What are you doing?

Well, I have no idea.

I mean, the man has a
slight five o'clock shadow,

but it's not like he's
going to a bar mitzvah.

Shave him for surgery!

Well, where do you want
me to shave him? Oh!

You know, I'll be back in a minute.

I have a girl that does a bikini wax.

Now!

Oh, all right.

Bucking for a raise?

Or perhaps she behaves
the way she does, sir,

because you intimidate her.

You're always yelling at her.

I most certainly am not.

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine!

Miss Fine! You've got
some 'splaining to do.

Oh, look at the time. Where did the day go?

Time flies when you're
being unreasonable...

Sir.

Oh, how can anyone be
expected to get any work done

without that door flying
open and someone barging in?

Mr. Sheffield, I'm sorry to bother you,

but we've got a problem, and, boy,
you are never gonna guess this one.

Niles, do you need to
speak with me as well?

Oh, no, sir. I simply wanted to be here

in person for this one.

Brighton was in gym class.

And, well, when he looked around,

compared to all the other boys, he's small.

Small?

You know, like in, petite.

Poquito.

Gherkin.

Hello, friend.

You're sitting on John Malkovich.

I don't hear him complaining.

You are going to rectify this situation.

- Wow! That sounds painful.
- Mmm.

Yes.

Thanks to you, in eight weeks,

the curtain goes up on a six-foot,
-pound stage manager with a Mohawk

singing, "Consider yourself one of us."

Well, all right. What do you have in mind?

You're gonna talk him back into the show.

Oh, but Mr. Sheffield...

No buts, Miss Fine.

You are going to march yourself
upstairs, put on something smashing,

take him to the best restaurant in town,

and order the most
expensive thing on the menu.

Well, all right, but
I'm not taking the limo.

Oh, yes, you are.

sl*ve driver!

But there is no way you're
gonna buy me a new dress.

Get out!

Sir, it's obvious you miss Miss Fine.

She's probably at her mother's.

Why don't you just call?

I most certainly will not.

Mr. Sheffield, I haven't heard from Fran

since you called her a
brainless, big-haired shmegegi.

Fran is a very sensitive girl.

You should take a lesson from me.

I know how to talk to her.

Ma, these are not Fran's children.

Fran doesn't have any children.

She's not married. She's all alone.

Louder, Ma. I don't think
they heard you in Uruguay.

Still, their side never did as well as us.

What well? My daughter's a maid.

Nanny, Ma.

Never mind me. Have the
party wherever you want.

Oh, Ma, you're just saying that

to try and make me feel guilty.

I'm not trying to make you feel anything.

Feel this. Is this a lump here?

I am so upset about this
whole thing I can't even eat.

This is between you and my
daughter. I don't like to mix in.

Miss Fine, I think you're very wise

not to rush into this.

You're far too sensible a
woman to marry a man you just...

(SHRIEKS)

Oh, I'm sorry.

Did this fork accidentally
puncture your tuckus?

Maxwell, is it true that you called

Nanny Fine a witless, man-chasing floozy?

(SIGHING) I did no such thing.

Oh, then it must have been me.

Oh, kidding aside. I am
going to miss Nanny Fine.

We were getting so close.

I'll k*ll you!

Sir.

You want something, don't you?

Nanny Fine wants something.

Oh, yes! Yes!

Oh, God, this is good!

Are you done?

You want to have a ciggy
butt and cuddle now?

Question. When they sh*t Bambi's mother,

did you find that a sad moment...

at all?

Well, I, for one, hope she comes back soon.

I don't like wandering
around the house alone.

I can never think of anything to do.

(LIP-SYNCHING)

* Just take them old records off the shelf

* I'll sit and listen to them by myself

* Today's music ain't got the same soul

* I like that old time rock 'n' roll

* Don't try to take me to a disco

* You'll never even get me out on the floor

* In ten minutes I'll be late for the door

* I like that old time rock 'n' roll

* Still like that old time rock 'n' roll

* That kind of music just soothes the soul

* I reminisce about the days of old *

You realize, of course, now
I'm going to have to k*ll you.

I'm not apologizing,
Niles. I happen to be right.

Well, if she doesn't come back

until we find a new nanny,

you can take care of the children.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Oh, dear God, please let that be her.

Please, please, please.

Oh, Yetta.

Yetta, what happened?

We found her wandering
around on Queens Boulevard.

She says she lives here.

Play along. It's cheaper than a cab.

Officer, thank goodness you're here.

Look, our nanny is missing.

She stormed out of the house this morning,

and we haven't heard a word since.

She got upset when he called
her a gorgeous sexy vixen

he couldn't live without.

I never said that.

Don't you wish you had?

If she's still missing after hours,

call the precinct.

We'll send someone right over.

Send Officer Kertz.

We listen to Howard Stern together.

Meanwhile, it looks like I'm sleeping over.

Well, Yetta, our door
is always open for you.

(FRAN EXCLAIMS)

(GASPS)

Oh, my God. Yetta.

What a coincidence.

Saul said the same
thing not minutes ago.

What the devil's burning?

Oh, God.

Oh, Saul, I ruined your bagel.

Oh, no, no.

You could just scrape off
the top. It's still good.

What did you do with all the cream cheese?

Yetta, you didn't drop anything under
the table and go look for it, did you?

One time, just to see if I still had it.

Oh, God. That was you?

That was you?

Wait till you get a load of the
chick I fixed him up with. Ta-da!

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to dig up a brassiere
that hooks in the front.

What? No good?

(GIGGLING) That was nice.

Do you want a cigarette?

No, no. I told you I quit.

Here, put those away
before my dad walks in.

I'd like to live long enough

to see if Ross and Rachel
actually get together.

Boy, your dad catching
Fran really freaked you out.

Yeah. It's almost like
they set this whole thing up

to scare me out of smoking.

Oh, no, they couldn't have, though.

My dad's a really bad actor.

- Niles. Psst! Niles.
- Mmm-hmm?

Do you think... that Miss Fine
allowed you to catch her smoking

simply to teach Miss Margaret a
lesson that would be more effective

than you screaming at her, thereby
breaking her of a disgusting habit

and keeping your fragile
relationship intact?

Yes. That.

Well, I wouldn't be a bit surprised.

She does have a certain unique
way of dealing with the children.

Okay. Well, we gotta make Maggie beautiful.

Yeah. Like that's gonna happen.

Shut up, Brighton.

Hey, be nicer to your sister.

Why? Because we're a family?

Yes, that's right.

And someday your father's
gonna be old and sick.

You're gonna want him to live with her.

Everything you need to know about a man,

you can find right in his cart.

If there's a box of Midol, keep moving.

Corn pads means he lives with his mother.

Learned that the hard way.

And if you see two guys with sweaters
tied around their necks buying pesto,

save yourself the pain.

What about him?

Hmm. Let's see. Cabbage,
chili, refried beans.

(EXCLAIMING)

One dinner with him and you'll spend
the rest of the night blaming the dog.

How could you embarrass me like that?

What's going on?

That... that boy was
mauling her on the balcony.

It was just a kiss.

He kissed you?

Yeah.

(SQUEALING)

Your first kiss. That's so exciting.

Let me get the camera.

Oh, God, Niles, what have I done?

Well, let's see.

You insulted her intelligence...

It was a rhetorical question, Niles.

What... what would you
do if someone was missing?

Well, that depends on who it is.

If it were Miss Babcock,

well, you know how much I love her.

I wouldn't be caught dead in that dress.

You'd have to be dead
six months to fit into it.

He wants these contracts
in London by morning.

Well, here, hop on.

With the time difference,
you'll just make it.

Unwanted dirt just slides right off.

Why? I want to die.

There, there, now, don't do anything rash.

Maggie, go see if you
can find some bottles.

Niles, do we have any old
nipples around the house?

Hello, hello.

All right, Niles, I give up.

Look, since Miss Fine is so damned smart,

if I were missing, what would she do?

Well, knowing our little Margie,

she'd run next door to Roger Clinton's

and have him call the FBI.

Oh, don't be absurd. No one
in their right mind's gonna...

- I'll get my coat.
- I'll get my coat.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Hello, Maxwell. Hello,
Roger. I'm desperate.

Do you have any contacts in the FBI?

I'm sorry, Max. I can't fix
any more parking tickets.

No. Miss Fine ran out of
the house this morning.

I can't find her anywhere.

Well, I heard you called her a...

No, no, that's what Newt's
mama called my sister-in-law.

You know, Newt's lucky Bill
even let him on that plane.

I'd have made him fly Continental.

Chelsea, honey, I know exactly
what you're going through.

Miss Fine, what the...

(SHUSHING)

Yeah, sweetie. You don't know
whether the boys like you for you

or because of who your father is.

Look, my father was the president
of the Jewish Auto Mechanics Club.

Well, it wasn't a very large group.

Let me talk to your mother.

Hillary's looking for
a new nanny for Chelsea.

Wow! You'll pay me that much?

I'll match it.

And my room will be in the East Wing?

New carpets, new... new drapes.

Oh, I'll get to meet Barbra?

Oh, Walters.

I'm... I'm sorry for what I said.

I really am. And... and you're right.

I... I was the stupid one.

Hold on a minute, Hil.

Please, Miss Fine, please come back.

You know the children love you, and I...

I...

well, I mean, we were getting so close.

Close?

Well, in a, in a strictly professional way.

Yeah, right.

Uh, Miss Fine...

Oh, Mr. Sheffield,

you want to play that game. Okay.

You're the boss, and I'm the nanny.

You give me a raise, and I'll give you one.

Stop it!

Stop it, Miss Fine. We're
in your mother's house.

So? The couch has protection.

Hillary, on second thought,

I thank you for the job offer,

but I'm gonna have to take a pass.

I just remembered something my old
boss could give me that you can't.

Oh?

Fran, I'm gay.

(GASPING)

You're gay?

Oh, thank God.

Uh.

Uh, I'm letting go and you're not. Why?

Hillary, honey, it's very flattering,

but I just can't do it.

Honey, all right, already.

Miss Fine.

Hillary, this is getting
embarrassing, babe.

Miss Fine.

What?

Camp David on the holy days?

Miss Fine!

Gotta go, Hillary.

Letting you think I was talking
to the First Lady, that was smart.

Forgetting to plug the phone in, stupid.

(EXCLAIMS)