03x23 - That's Mid-Life

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my neck is k*lling me.

Who ever knew a tennis
match could be so strenuous?

Agassi's tush. Sampras's tush.

Agassi's tush. Sampras's tush.

Fran, you've never been
to a tournament before?

Well, a Mah Jong tournament.

The only thing that
gets those tushes moving

is to rip the cellophane
off the deli platter.

You know, I came here to
see some famous athletes.

Where's Monica Seles, Shaq, Joe Montana?

Brighton, just because they own the place

doesn't mean they're actually
gonna be here bussing tables.

Hi. I'm Monica Seles.

Welcome to the All Star Cafe.

Oh, my God, do you know who this is?

What am I, an idiot?

Honey, can I substitute slaw for beans?

Miss Fine, this woman has won

every single major tennis
tournament in the world.

Well, actually, Dad, I don't
think she's won Wimbledon.

You know what? I'll take her beans.

Oh, Miss Seles, I am so embarrassed.

I mean, I never expected you to be serving.

Oh, serving!

I'll send your waiter right over.

You know, I have always wanted
to learn how to play tennis.

What happened?

Well, it's a very big time commitment,

and I was always very career-oriented.

What happened?

You know, Fran, if you wanted,

I could teach you how to play tennis.

Oh, well, thanks, B,

but I kind of have my eye on that

cute blond instructor
at the end of the bar.

Am I not cute? Am I not blond?

Shut up, Maggie!

Sweetie, let's put it this way,

if things don't work out between
me and gorgeous, I am all yours.

I'm all yours.

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens *

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out *

* in one of those crushing scenes *

* What was she to
do? Where was she to go? *

* She was out on her fanny *

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door *

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more *

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there! *

* That's how she became the nanny! *

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described *

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed? *

* Now the father finds her beguiling *

* Watch out, C.C.! *

* And the kids are actually smiling *

* Such joie de vivre! *

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan *

* The flashy girl from Flushing *

* The nanny named Fran! *

Oh, dear God.

Niles, please tell me you've cut out

all the reviews of my new play

because they're so good
you're having them framed.

Okay.

Damn it! I was hoping
this show would be my Cats.

Oh, Niles, what's wrong with
me? I'm... I'm bloody pitiful.

With all due respect, sir,
there are so many people

in this world less fortunate than you.

Some are in this very room.

Oh, you mean because you're just a servant.

Well...

No family, no home of your own.

Mm-hmm.

No future.

Been doing the same thing
for the last years

that you'll most likely be
doing till the day you die.

Right. How are you feeling now, sir?

You know... you know
what's really bothering me?

Carrying around that big fat
wallet giving you a hernia?

- What did you say?
- Tea?

Maxwell, did you read Vincent
Canby's review in the New York Times?

Oh, it was brutal.

I just put it on the floor and let
Chester give him a little rebuttal.

C.C., you are amazing.

Thank you, Maxwell.

But don't you want to know why?

Why push?

Oh, hi. Hi, Chester.

Hi, sweetie. Hi.

Oh, gee,

Chester, if only you were Jewish

with a dog house in Great Neck.

C.C., we just put our heart and soul

into this new play, and it bombed.

Why aren't you more upset?

Because Broadway will be
dead in years, but I won't.

Cryonic suspension.

Do you mean you're gonna have
your body frozen after you die?

Yep. I'm planning the ultimate revival.

Me.

Nobody wanted to see the original.

Who'd want to bring it back?

I wouldn't want to come back.

I mean, it would be so hard to adjust.

You'd feel like a freak of nature.

You'd have no friends.

Your last date would
have been years ago.

You know what? Go for it.

I'm even thinking of having Chester
frozen so we can come back together.

- Wouldn't that be nice?
- Oh.

Come on, you little hairball.

You know, I should freeze myself right now.

I mean, here I am, years old,

and what have I really achieved, hmm?

Produced one mediocre play after another.

Oh, stop feeling sorry for yourself.

There's a lot of people
much less fortunate than you

right here in this room.

Look at Niles.

Hey, Dad.

So, are you off to another disastrous
day of tennis with Miss Fine?

Well, I can't today, but you know what?

She's actually pretty good.
She even taught me a few things.

Like what?

How to return a serve when
you don't have the receipt?

- Oh, Brighton, come on, let's go play tennis.
- Oh, sorry, Fran.

I gotta read To k*ll a
Mockingbird by Friday.

Oh, Brighton, I have two words for you.

"Blockbuster Video."

Oh, to enhance the reading experience.

Perhaps you would like to go out

and play tennis with Miss Fine, sir.

Yeah.

Niles, the last thing I need right now

is a round of beginner's tennis.

Of course, sir,

you'd completely destroy and humiliate her,

making her feel like a
bigger loser than you are.

Get my racket.

So, Miss Fine, are you
ready to play with me?

You bet.

And when we're done, how
about a little tennis?

- Little big sh*t.
- So I won a tennis match...

- I had the sun in my eyes.
-... who cares?

It was no fair.

We weren't even keeping score.

I slaughtered him, six-four.

I creamed his little English tokhes.

Get out. You b*at Dad at tennis?

Oh, I'll tell you, I
felt so bad for the guy.

It was really sad.

He had this look on his face,

like when I'm eating Haagen-Dazs

and my spoon hits the cardboard.

Oh, this is bad.

Perhaps he'd feel better

if I prepared his favorite soup.

Cream of English tokhes.

- Niles, have this restrung, would you?
- Absolutely, sir.

Is there anything else I can do for you?

Yes, you can make me some of that soup.

Oh, and you may use your own tokhes

because it's soon to be canned.

He's got no sense of humor.
That's why his comedy's a flop.

Niles, he is really going
over the deep end about this.

This must be some kind
of underlying problem.

And do you know what that is?

Daddy's inability to
cope with minor setbacks

indicating a larger and
deeper emotional problem?

Well, there's no point in me
saying it 'cause she already did.

Well, look, obviously
he needs some therapy.

You know, maybe Dad
should get some therapy.

- It really hurts me to see him in pain.
- Yeah.

Hey, we wouldn't have to
go as a family or anything,

'cause, you know, I've got dates and stuff.

You people are dreaming
if you think you're gonna

be able to get Dad into therapy.

Oh, I'll get him there.
And do you know how?

Under false pretenses by telling him

Dr. Bort needs to talk to him about me

when in reality the session's for him?

Well, there's no point in me
saying it 'cause she already did.

You know, I always thought
that I'd make a good therapist.

Yes. Well, I guess you would...

Because I'm really a
good listener, you know,

and some people just can't
get a word in edgewise.

Yeah. That always seems to be...

I mean, it takes a very sensitive person

to know when someone needs to talk.

You know, when the doctor comes in,

you could chime in once in a while.

I'm terribly sorry.

Dr. Bort has been called away,
but her associate can see you.

Oh, but when will she be back?

I don't want some second-rate associate.

(GASPS)

Dr. Joyce Brothers.

I'm filling in for Dr.
Bort. I hope you don't mind.

Oh, who cares about that loser?

Was she ever on Hollywood Squares?

Oh, Dr. Brothers, I have
read every one of your books.

The Language of Feeling.

That's David Viscott.

The Ten Stupid Things Women Do.

Laura Schlessinger.

You're Much Taller In Person.

Dr. Ruth.

Well, enough about you.

Tick-tock. Ka-ching. Ka-ching.

Now, the reason why I made this
appointment for Mr. Sheffield...

W... what? Wait a minute.

You mean you brought me
here under false pretenses?

You know, I told Gracie
that was a bad idea.

Oh, this is ridiculous.

- I don't need any bloody therapy.
- No, you don't.

Are you Maxwell Sheffield,
the Broadway producer?

Yes, that's right.

Now, if you don't mind, I'm
a very busy man, so I'll...

I just loved your new show.

I thought the reviews were
completely off the mark.

Well, I suppose I could
stay for a little while.

Wow! You are good.

For your information,

I have written bestsellers.

Let it go, Joyce.

Now, why are we here?

Well, the fact is, Dr. Brothers,

there's nothing wrong with me.

My... my last show failed, so I've just been

in a little bit of a bad
mood lately. That's all.

(SCOFFS) A bad mood?

You have been biting everyone's
head off, left and right.

Watch this.

I sat on some Junior Mints
on your new suede chair.

(YELLS) You what?

Can you believe what I have to live with?

Do you know what your problem is?

You don't know how it feels to fail

at something you put so much effort into.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you know that new suede
chair with the Junior Mint stain?

I tried to color in the
rest with brown Magic Marker.

A huge failure. Happy?

Look, I don't know why everyone wants
to make such an issue out of this.

The fact is I just have to come to grips

with the fact that I am years old,

and despite having every
opportunity money can buy,

my life has amounted to zip.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield. Let him go.

He's just going through
a little midlife crisis.

It's very common among men his age.

Oh, you know, I've read about that.

Next thing you know, he'll be
trying to prove his virility

in the arms of the next gorgeous
young thing to cross his path.

Out of my way, Joyce.

Oh, this book is fascinating.

- It chronicles the stages of your life by decades.
- Mmm-hmm.

Look at this. "Women in their
s often lie about their age."

- Oh, I know so many women like that.
- Mmm.

Here's me, the s.

Oh, Niles, how did you
handle midlife crisis

back when you were in your s?

I think I k*lled someone who
lied about being in their s.

You two are not going to believe this.

- I got a message on my answering machine.
- Oh, my God.

cr*ck the champagne.

I am so happy for you, dear.

Very funny, Mrs. Doubtfire.

Maxwell is quitting the theater.

Oh, he is a classic textbook case.

If Maxwell leaves the
theater, what am I gonna do?

Oh, you were born rich. Retire.

Go spend time with all your friends,

and when you come back,
you can lick the spoon.

Oh, look, Dr. Brothers
said it'll probably pass.

I mean, at least it's not like when my
father went through his midlife crisis.

He wanted Ma to get into swinging.

What happened?

Well, the other swingers saw them.

Fran, Fran, you gotta hide me, quick.

- What? What's wrong?
- MAXWELL: Hey, Mags,

what do you say we hit Tower Records, hey?

Cruise the bins.

Fran, help me. Help me so much.

(CLEARS THROAT) Mr. Sheffield,

Maggie cannot go to the record store

because I caught her smoking and drinking.

What? You are grounded for
three weeks, young lady.

Oh, thank you, Dad.

If he's not over this by then,

I'll tell him you're pregnant.

Maxwell, I'm only saying this
because I am thinking of you.

Why are you doing this to me?

C.C., life is short.

You should go back to doing
what you did when you were young.

Oh, sir, there's so little call
nowadays for Civil w*r nurses.

Miss Babcock, you're being so selfish.

I mean, this man is questioning
the very meaning of his life.

You d*ed your gray streak?

What the hell is wrong with you?

I happen to like it. I
think it takes years off.

Catch you later, babe.

That was my gray streak.

I caused it, and it was mine to remove.

Were those Brighton's jeans?

Oh, I'll tell you, it is so pathetic

seeing someone trying to desperately

recapture their youth by dyeing their hair

and wearing skin-tight clothes.

Oh, you know, I shouldn't
be so hard on him.

I mean, who knows? Someday, the
same thing could happen to me.

Oh, Ma, you're on a diet?

You can tell already?

Actually, your can gave it away.

Oh, thank you.

Have some, darling. It's delicious.

Mmm. What's in this?

You just add powder and some
non-fat milk and ice cream.

Ice cubes, Ma.

The ice cream gives you a little body.

No, it doesn't.

Ma, I need some advice.

Mr. Sheffield is going
through a midlife crisis,

and I don't know how to pull him out of it.

Marry him.

Well, how's that gonna help him?

Who cares? Better we should be happy.

Just be grateful that
he's not going through

what your father went through in the ' s.

Do you remember this?

That's Daddy's old Mod Squad toupee.

I can't believe you held onto it.

It's non-abrasive on Teflon.

Why's he going through
a midlife crisis, anyway?

I mean, just because he's over

and his play's a flop,
and I b*at him at tennis.

What?

Have I taught you nothing?

You never b*at a man at anything

until after you're married.

Is that how Daddy won that
pie-eating contest on your first date?

It wasn't easy. It was chocolate cream.

(FRAN EXCLAIMING)

Ma, what you did for love.

(CAR HORN HONKING)

MAXWELL: Miss Fine.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield?

Oh, my God. Ma, look at what he did.

He bought himself a Porsche.

Now, what does he think
that's gonna get him?

Mrs. Feldman's daughter,
Mrs. Lieberman's daughter,

Mrs. Winetraub's daughter.

Hey, hey, hey.

Ma, lower the fire escape. I'm going in.

Hi. I'm Dotty.

You new here in the building?

- (CAR HORN HONKING)
- Oh, well, actually, I'm just...

I'm talking here, Vito.

My fiancé.

If you like me, I'll dump him.

Are you stalled? Do you need a jump?

FRAN: Hey! Hey! Hey!

If anybody's gonna jump
him, it's gonna be me.

Keep moving.

Come on, you gold diggers.

Dotty, you're engaged.

Haven't you ever seen a single,
gorgeous millionaire before?

(EXCLAIMING)

SYLVIA: Louder, Fran, they
didn't hear you in Jersey.

Mr. Sheffield, what
are you trying to prove?

I'm not trying to prove
anything, Miss Fine.

I'm just trying to enjoy
the rest of my life.

So I'm not successful. So what?

Everyone has a flop every now and again.

Even Andrew Lloyd Webber had...

Well, let's just get in the car.

Oh, what are you talking about?

You're the most successful person I know.

Miss Fine, you don't understand.

I had a privileged upbringing.

I should have achieved
much more than I did.

I wasn't brought up like you just
to find a husband and get married.

Well, finding a husband isn't all I want.

(EXCLAIMING)

Oh, come on, can we just move?

Because she's got a frozen lasagna
up there that could wipe us both out.

Look, all I'm saying
is that you didn't have

the same advantages that I had.

I... I was sent to the best
schools money could buy.

Yeah. Well, meanwhile,

your parents sent you away
when you were six years old.

I mean, where were they when
you lost your first tooth?

Hi, how you doing?

On safari in South Africa.

But they sent me a Kruggerand

to my headmaster to put under my pillow.

Uh-huh.

You know, how many times did you get

to run into your mother
and father's bedroom

when it was thunder and lightning out?

Well, I tried once.

But by the time I got
there, the storm had passed.

Very big house.

Sounds like I was the one

with the privileged upbringing.

I mean, I come from a very
close and loving family.

Am I bleeding?

I think it's just raspberry filling.

Hmm.

You know, a lot of people
with your kind of money

would have just sat back and
nightclubbed with the jet setters.

That would have been my route.

But you went to work, mister.

You know, you're right.

- I... I came to this country all by myself.
- Yes, you did.

Started a very successful
business out of nothing.

Plus you raised three terrific kids

absolutely without any help from anyone.

Wait a minute.

It's true. It's true.

You know, I really haven't
done that badly at all,

considering I was bloody
handicapped emotionally.

Please, you're completely dysfunctional.

Feel better?

(CHUCKLES) Yes. Yes, Miss
Fine, as a matter of fact, I do.

I feel a lot better.

Thank you very much.

Now, um, while I'm still
feeling a little bit impulsive,

what do you say, you and me,

one last hurrah?

Mr. Sheffield.

Isn't this thrilling, Miss Fine?

(MUMBLING)

What a machine! Just feel it vibrate.

Yeah. But who can enjoy it?

I'm not really used to driving
on this side of the road,

so if I start drifting over,
just let me know. All right?

Okay. Drifting over! Drifting over!

All right. Let's really g*n
it, huh? Hang on, Miss Fine.

(TIRES SKIDDING)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

Wait! Wait!

I just had such a flashback
to my old boyfriend.