03x26 - Ship of Fran's

[bunniefuu]

Oh, Niles, you missed some
top-of-the-line bar mitzvah.

They flew the entire family in.

Yeah? From where?

The ceiling.

Yeah, it was a giant,
sequined hot-air balloon.

It was like being in a Jewish Wizard of Oz.

Oh, and B, the bar mitzvah gave me

such great ideas for
your confirmation party.

And I'm sure they're fantastic.

But after church, the whole family's

coming back here for an elegant supper.

You see, the arrangements
have all been made.

Quick, Niles, make the arrangements.

That's right, Maxwell, less is more.

When I was confirmed, we
had a very simple ceremony.

Hmm, lit a few candles and
danced around a dead cat?

Dad, come on, I've been studying

with this priest for three years now.

I want a bar mitzvah.

Oh, come on, Mr. Sheffield,
you know he's the middle child.

You saw The Godfather.

You don't want to have another
Fredo Corleone on your hands.

He already resents you for all
those after-school activities

that you make me schlepp him to.

Oh, no, that's me.

Nanny Fine, is this the cruise
you and Val are going on?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, boy, would you just look
at that gorgeous hunk of beef

over there by the pool.

And, you know, the chef will
carve it for you right there.

Don't you find it a little degrading

to be a single woman on a cruise?

I mean, trapped on a ship
with all those marauding men,

half naked, greased up with suntan oil,

no way to escape...

Good night, Maxwell.

Oh, Miss Fine, you're
gonna have a wonderful time.

You know, I remember my
first transatlantic crossing.

I booked the royal suite on the top deck.

Magnificent panoramic views.

Oh, well, we've got the Jules Verne cabin.

We're , leagues under the sea.

But I don't care,
because my psychic told me

that I was gonna meet the man
of my dreams on this cruise.

A psychic, Miss Fine?

Oh, yeah. She was fabulous.

She said that he and I were
going to dance on water.

Then she got some kind
of freak asthma att*ck,

and it just ate up the
rest of my $ . a minute.

Miss Fine, you don't honestly think

you're gonna meet the love of your life

and get married based only on what

any stranger tells you over the telephone?

Well, you got that right, mister.

You know how many clueless
quacks I had to call

before I found one with
that kind of vision?

* She was working in a bridal
shop in Flushing, Queens

* 'Til her boyfriend kicked her out

* in one of those crushing scenes

* What was she to do? Where was she to go?

* She was out on her fanny

* So over the bridge from
Flushing to the Sheffield's door

* She was there to sell
makeup, but the father saw more

* She had style! She
had flair! She was there!

* That's how she became the nanny!

* Who would have guessed
that the girl we've described

* was just exactly what
the doctor prescribed?

* Now the father finds her beguiling

* Watch out, C.C.!

* And the kids are actually smiling

* Such joie de vivre!

* She's the lady in red when
everybody else is wearing tan

* The flashy girl from Flushing

* The nanny named Fran!

Niles, I cannot believe Miss
Fine is going on a cruise

just because some psychic told
her she had a date with destiny.

I mean, when you pay someone,

they only tell you what you want to hear.

Absolutely, sir.

You are so clever and witty and handsome...

Oh, shut up!

You know, there is a
chance she could run off.

I mean, if she met someone

and convinced herself it was fate.

Boy, that would really
tear the children up.

Well, you know how
attractive they find her.

I mean, nurturing and caring and all that.

Why don't you tell her how they feel?

Don't use any names, just
convey their thoughts.

Lost without you.

Never leave.

Love you so.

Are you completely mad?

She'll think I'm talking about myself.

Now, why didn't I think of that?

You are so clever and witty

and handsome...

Dad, a confirmation is one of the most

important events in a young man's life.

No, no, no. Where are the tears?

Where's the emotion?

You know, you're no Erik Menendez.

Fran, I'm not an actor.
I can't just cry on cue.

Well, try this one on for size.

Your father made some terrible
investments and your trust fund, gone.

No. No!

That's good. That's good.

Use that.

Uh, Mr. Sheffield, Brighton has something

that he wants to speak to you about.

Dad, I've been thinking, and, well,

it's very important in a young man's
life to have a real confirmation,

and it would mean so very, very
much to me if would you would just...

Oh, my God, your heel's
going through my foot!

Do you think Erik would have
said that to Leslie Abramson?

You know, Miss Fine, I think
you're absolutely right.

Brighton should have a big party.

Oh, I'm so glad you changed your mind,

because, you know, you're only once.

Twenty-nine, you can be eight, years.

Oh, Fran, you're the best.

Oh, honey, it's gonna be
just like a real bar mitzvah.

Now, get off me. I know what you're doing.

Hey, today I am a man.

So, tell me, what's the
plans for the big event?

- Well, are you ready for this?
- Yeah.

I'm taking the entire family on a cruise.

That's fabulous.

I inspired you. Where you going?

To the Caribbean.

That's fabulous. Just like me.

What cruise line?

Celebrity.

That's fabulous. Me, too.

I know. We're coming with you.

Why?

Now, Miss Fine, wasn't it your idea

that Brighton should have a
big bar-mitzvah-like to do?

Yeah, bar mitzvah on land.

We're desert people.

We don't like to get wet.

That's why we parted the Red Sea.

Oh, Miss Fine, I know what you're thinking.

You're on this boat to find Mr. Right.

Well, don't you worry.
We'll respect your privacy.

So will Morty, Sylvia and Yetta.

You invited my parents and my grandmother

on the first sexy vacation
I've had in three years?

- Yes.
- That's so thoughtful of you.

But you said Brighton should
be surrounded by family.

I meant your family.

Excuse me, sir.

I may be overstepping my bounds here,

but I've invited the
Fines and Miss Babcock,

as you requested,

and I think it's very unfair

to intrude on this poor girl's vacation.

You're coming, too.

(EXCLAIMING) Caribe!

♪ Feeling hot, hot, hot

♪ Hot, hot, hot

(HORN BLOWING)

Don't worry, Franny, I promise
you, you won't even know I'm here.

Then maybe you can let go of my jacket?

Then I'll fall.

Miss Babcock is out of her mind.

I haven't seen one desperate
single woman on this whole ship.

Oh, my God, gorgeous guy. How's my hair?

Who cares? He's mine.

Val! Val, I saw him first!

Yetta.

Welcome aboard the Century,
ladies. I'm your captain.

Oh, how do you do?

I'm Fran Fine, and... and this
is my birth control device.

Nice to meet you.

Oh, you look so different
without your blue uniform

and your big handlebar moustache.

Yetta, that's Captain Crunch.

I know who it is.

That picture on the box must
have been taken years ago.

Darling, I don't think I'm gonna make it.

Oh. Uh, Captain, I'd like
you to meet my mother.

She's a little nervous about
being so far out at sea.

The Century is one of
the safest ships afloat.

Don't lie to me.

Have you ever run out of food?

Ma, calm down. It's a huge ship.

There's no way they're gonna run out of...

Say, do they have an A&P on Saint Thomas?

Well, what happened with Mr. Gorgeous?

Gay.

Look at him making out
with that girl over there.

Wait until she finds out.

Well, I don't know why I'm
looking to pick up men anyway.

I mean, the psychic said that

the man of my dreams was going to find me.

Ah, Miss Fine, I found you.

Oh, Fran, you've gotta see
the video arcade. It is so big.

Fran, there's a club just for kids.

Children, please wait. Wait a minute.

Now, Miss Fine is on vacation.

Let's not bother her.

But, Dad, you just dragged us

all over the ship looking for her.

To tell her we're not going to bother her.

Well, that's all right. That's okay.

Listen, you kids, if
you need me for anything,

I'm on the plaza deck, Room .

Hey, we're in .

And I'm in .

(ALL CHATTERING)

Oh, my God, that's fabulous.

You're just so full of surprises.

Would you let go of me, old woman?

Then I'll fall, and I'll have to spend

the entire cruise in our room.

I don't...

What do you mean our room?

Well, you see, the thing was,
when I made the arrangements,

there were only two rooms left.

Well, I couldn't share with a woman,

so I was forced to take the suite.

Why didn't you give us the suite?

Well, I offered, but...

What do we need with a
wet bar and a Jacuzzi?

A couple of old maids like us.

Hi, kids.

Hey, Fran.

Oh, God, Val, can you believe

those two -year-old twins
playing ping pong over there?

I don't know who's more
gorgeous, the boy or the girl.

Okay, let's take their chairs.

(BOTH SIGHING)

So, Val, did you get the dining room menu?

Yeah, it's right here.

The late seating offers
a doctor across from us

with an accountant on the side,

and the early comes
with two retired couples,

but we're literally on
top of the seafood bar.

- Seafood bar.
- Seafood bar.

It doesn't matter who I eat
with because the psychic told me

that, by the end of this cruise,

I was going to dance on water
with the man of my dreams.

I went to a psychic.

He told me I'd be single,
living with my parents

and pounds heavier.

Please, I'm at least pounds heavier.

Oh, hi, Ma. Where's Daddy?

He's floating in the pool.

Where is he?

Morty, did you forget something?

Stays on in a monsoon, my tuchus.

Darling, I met the most
gorgeous guy for you.

There he is. Arch your back.

Hi.

I'm Steve Goodman.

Hi, Steve. I'm Fran Fine.

Your mother told me so much about you.

You know, my sister also graduated

Hillcrest High five years ago.

What's left for us to talk about?

Well, we could talk about the
mambo contest Saturday night.

Think you could keep up with me?

He's asking me to dance on water.

Don't break my heart.

Don't tell me you're with someone.

Oh, no, no, no. I am free as a bird.

Completely unattached.

(SIGHING) There you are.

Did we remember to set the
alarm before we left the house?

Mr. Sheffield, there are
, people on board.

What, do I got a LoJack stuffed in my bra?

Mr. Sheffield,

the white chaises are for loading

and unloading potential husbands only.

Don't mind me.

I just came up for some fresh air.

Yeah, I think I'll do a couple
hundred laps in the pool.

I think you got your trunks on backwards.

The whole string is hanging out over here.

Oh, right. Uh, don't mind me.

Carry on.

That's Grandma Yetta.
She's sharp as a tack.

It's hard to believe I got
a granddaughter over .

- She's senile.
- She's senile.

Craps. Sorry, sir, you lose again.

Hello, Niles.

Now, I knew you were a high roller.

Those Bermuda shorts you wore
to the pool were a huge gamble.

This from a woman whose flip-flops

could transport refugees from Cuba.

Seven's a winner.

Looks like my luck is changing.

Craps, you lose.

Come on, you have two
chips left. Go for it.

Papa needs a new pair of oven mitts.

is the winner.

Seven, he wins again.

Are you a good witch or a bad witch?

* Ole ole, ole ole

* Me mind on fire
* Me soul on fire

* Feeling hot, hot, hot

* Party people

* All around me feeling hot, hot, hot

* What to do

* On a night like this

* Music sweet

* I can't resist

* We need a party song

* A fundamental jam

* So we go rum-bum-bum-bum

* Yeah, we rum-bum-bum-bum

* Feeling hot, hot, hot

* Feeling hot, hot, hot

* Oh, Lord

* See people rocking

* Hear people chanting

* Feeling hot, hot, hot

* Keep up this spirit

* Come on, let's do it

* Feeling hot, hot, hot

* It's in the air

* Celebration time

* Music sweet

* Captivate your mind

* We have this party song

* This fundamental jam

* So we go rum-bum-bum-bum

Not so fast or I'll fall.

(SIGHING) Wasn't that a magnificent sunset?

Mmm-hmm.

I just wish it could last forever.

Oh, me, too.

You know, next to candles,

sunset is the most youthful lighting.

What a wonderful day.

You know, it was a great idea

to make Brighton's
confirmation such an event.

Well, we've got a lot to celebrate.

Brighton's becoming a man

and I'm getting one.

Oh, yes, Steve.

Nice chap. Nice chap.

Strange how one nostril's
larger than the other.

I didn't notice.

Oh, really?

Yes, it throws off the whole
symmetry of his face somehow.

Well, if it doesn't bother you.

I mean, I know I couldn't live with it.

I could live with a weird nostril myself.

Oh, Steve, there you are.

Well, listen, I should
leave the two of you alone.

I'm sure you want to get to your dinner.

You know, Maxwell,
you're welcome to join us.

Oh, well, that sounds...

Terribly inconvenient. I
couldn't possibly. Good night.

Are you sure?

Well, actually...

Absolutely sure. Have fun.

Okay. Good night.

Niles, what do you think?

Now, if she really has
met the man of her dreams,

I may have lost her forever.

Well, that's life.

Hello, Miss Babcock.

I don't know if it's the
sea air, but you look...

What do you want?

minutes at the slots,
my baby by my side.

Oh, this is gonna cost you big.

I thought you were
duty-free on the high seas.

Sorry. Old habits, my beauty.

Name your price.

- Ninety-five pounds.
- British?

No, Yiddish.

Meet your new roommate.

Hi, Neil.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Here, sweetie, you want a drink?

I'm not allowed to have any drinks

with little umbrellas in them.

The rum she don't care about. Kids!

If I snore tonight, nudge me.

MAN: Thank you to the Celebrity dancers.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

And Benjie Easterman as Barbra Streisand.

If he weren't heading for the
men's room, you'd swear it was her.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And now, what you've all been waiting for.

Get ready to mambo!

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, where is Steve?

They're starting the dance
contest, and I don't even see him.

You see, he's not gonna
show. You can't trust him.

He won't make you happy.

I don't want to be happy.
I want to be married.

Oh, Steve. Steve.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have
to sit this one out, Fran.

What? What happened?

Come on, let's go.

What did I tell you? They're all gay.

Where are you taking him?

This man's a stowaway.

I'm sorry, Fran. I'm really sorry.

And I'll pay back all the
sundries I charged to your cabin.

Oh, God, a stowaway.

No wonder he wanted to sleep with me.

He didn't have a room.

Oh, Miss Fine, I'm so sorry.

Oh, Mr. Sheffield, please
just leave me alone.

I am so humiliated. I just want to hide.

MAN: Couple number one,
Fran Fine and Steve Goodman.

Miss Fine, may I be the man of
your dreams for this one dance?

I don't think I could.

First prize, a special
singles cruise on the Galaxy.

All right. Twirl me, pull me,
dip me, mambo, two, three, four.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Mr. Sheffield, you know,

the psychic told me that I would dance

on water with the man of my dreams.

What a waste of money that was.