02x01 - Chase Goes to College

[bunniefuu]

"Marry U at Recess"? More
like "Marry U at Spring Break."

That's right, America's
favorite singer is headed to NYU,

finally fulfilling a
month-long dream of his.

The sexy teen,

shown here biffing it hard
at the VMAs last month,

starts classes today and is
leaving the spotlight for good.

And that's why I'm so lucky
to have him in the studio

for his last ever live TV interview.

Give it up for my son, ChaseDreams!

[crowd cheering]

Whoa, Mom, your fans are sick.

Now, Chase, are you so
excited to start college today?

Yeah, I've been giving
it a lot of thought,

and I think it's gonna be tight.

I'm just excited to be a normal kid

and live in the dorms and do reading.

- All: Aww.
- Well, I think that's just great, honey.

And as I always say...

All: Reading is good!

Plus, Mom, you've always
been my biggest fan,

and now I get to be yours
'cause you're the best host ever.

Isn't she k*lling it?

Well, as you all know, because
I talk about him every show,

I'm not the only host in
the family who's k*lling it.

My gay son Cary is a host now too.

Hey, b*tches, you're watching
"Age, Net Worth, Feet"

on E! News Digital.

As always, I'm on the
red carpet asking celebs

the only three questions
you at home care about.

Zoisa Mamet is here with me now.

- Zosia, what's your age?
- Hi. Uh, .

- And what's your net worth?
- Uh, million?

- And can we see those feet?
- Um...

Look at those little piggies.

Oh, Gosh, have so much fun inside.

- Yeah, no, totally. You too. Thanks.
- Thank you.

Now Chase, I know there's
someone very special

in the audience you wanted to thank.

Yes, my manager, Streeter.

For taking a chance on a little boy

found on his computer in
the middle of the night.

- [mouthing] Thank you.
- And now he's taking a chance

and managing me. Because
it's like I always say...

All: Every chance you choose to take

is a path that you create.

Whoa, your fans memorize a lot.

Oh, speaking of, my daughter
Brookie's a manager too.

I wanted her to co-manage
me, but she said, "No, Mom,

my brand is more music," so
she is out there on her own,

scouring the nation
looking for the next Chase.

Doesn't that sound fun?

[upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

♪ I'm a winner I'm a... I'm a winner ♪

♪ I'm a winner, my own breadwinner ♪

Thanks. Gonna be a long one.

♪ A go, go getter ♪

♪ Go, go getter, go, go getter ♪

♪ Go, go, getter ♪

- [music warps]
- ♪ Go, go get... ter ♪

♪ Baby, you're the best girl of all ♪

- ♪ The gir... ♪
- [sound muted]

♪ Baby, you're the only girl I... ♪

- [sound muted]
- _

[buzzer]

[buzzer] [chime]

So now that you're
officially Chase Dubek again,

what's the biggest thing you
learned about being ChaseDreams?

Well, I used to say
the grind never stops.

But I learned it can
stop if you want it to.

And that's what's cool about the grind.

Oh. We got a new one,
everyone. Say it with me.

All: The grind never stops,

but it can stop if you want it to,

and that's what's cool about the grind.

This show's crazy.

And now, like I do every episode,

let's FaceTime my children live on air

and see what they're up to.

[dialing, beeping]

- Hey.
- Hey, Mom. Mom,

- No, God, Mom! I'm at work!
- you cannot keep doing this.

- It's every show now. Please stop.
- Jesus!

[bright electronic music]

Excuse me, sir, I have
a shirt I need to return,

and I'd like to get this one instead.

Of course, sir. Did you wear it?

- No, I did not.
- Oh. Well, then,

I'll be happy to exchange it for you.

Actually, I'm glad you're here.

Do you think you can get asbestos

from eating a construction worker's ass?

- No?
- Good. Then I just have the flu.

So who had the worst feet today?

- Oh, Kieran Culkin by a mile.
- Yeah, I could see that.

God, you're, like, k*lling it.

Seriously, you're like the most
successful actor that I know.

It's not acting.

Okay? All right, I gotta go.

And if you think you're
going to return it,

- then just don't wear it.
- I won't.

[background chatter]

[laughter, music]

Aren't they all so cute?

Which one's yours?

- I haven't decided yet.
- Oh, my God. Brooke?

- Jo!
- I can't believe you came.

- It's been forever.
- What?

No, it hasn't. And I
would never miss little...

Trinn... ton's birthday. Ha ha!

Um, how are you guys?

I mean, Jackie, are you still at...

- Amex.
- Amex. Yes. Amex.

And your husband.

- Michael.
- Michael. Mike. Mikey. Is he still...

- Dead.
- Dead. Dead? Dead.

Brooke, how about you? How's work?

Oh, Brooke manages ChaseDreams.

- Wow!
- Or, I guess used to,

- 'cause he's in college.
- Yeah.

Yeah. And he's loving it.

I mean, I keep checking
his Insta and he is.

But I'm still a music manager.

All I gotta do now is find
the next global superstar.

And actually...

I'm just now realizing
maybe that superstar is here?

- [laughter]
- Oh, my God.

Brooke, you're so funny.

Okay, kids, let's sing "Happy Birthday".

Oh, and can we go one at a time?

Let's start with, um, Freckles.

You're watching The Gay
Minute on HuffPo Live,

sponsored by Advil. Advil: "Here, gays."

This week in Gay News, Laura
Dern had her "BLL" costars

over for a Monopoly party,
which I am living for.

In more Gay News, Laura Dern is
slated to star in a new FX series,

- which I already stan...
- [phone buzzing]

Sorry, one second. It's my agent. Sorry.

Car, how's it going?

You liking all those big
roles I've been getting you?

Yeah, yeah, they're great.
Um, yeah, I was, uh...

I was gonna ask you, um...

I was wondering if I can get
sent out on more acting roles.

You know, like TV, movies...

Speaking of movies, that
is why I was calling.

I just found out A is doing
a Matthew Shepard biopic.

Oh, whoa. Do you think
I could go in for that?

I mean, I-I know I'm
not a big name but...

Oh, no. They already sh*t it.
Dave Franco's playing Matthew.

So they're... they're not gonna have
a gay person play Matthew Shepard?

You mean like make it a p*rn? No.

I was just calling to see
if you wanted to see it.

You know, I could maybe
get you a couple tix.

I'm an agent. I got the connex.

- I gotta go, Dan.
- [stadium crowd cheering]

Sorry about that. [clears throat]

In more Gay News, Laura
Dern was spotted kayaking...

♪ Happy Birthday to you ♪

Oh, God.

Is no one at this party
a global superstar?

Okay, I think people are ready for cake.

So Trinton, come and
blow out your candles.

What up, guys. Just left my first class.

Headed to my second
one now, and I love NYU.

Gonna be such a dope
however-many years college is.

- Ugh.
- Brooke, what's going on?

Why are you trying to find clients here?

Because no real singers
will let me represent them.

Even though I already
managed ChaseDreams.

Sure, it was "for an hour"
and he "didn't even know",

but does that count for nothing?

Yeah, I-I think that is nothing.

But couldn't you manage your mom?

- I love her show, by the way.
- No.

Jo, my brand is not lame daytime.

It is cool music, and I should
be able to rep anyone now.

But frickin' Alessia
Cara won't return my DMs.

- Do you know Alessia?
- Yeah, of course I know her.

Oh, great. Will you put in a good word?

Oh, I-I just meant I know who she is.

Ohh, this f*cking party!

[phone buzzes]

Oh, I gotta go to Queens.

- Right now?
- Yeah.

I set a Google Alert for
"Beyonce child gay drag,"

and this boy just
posted a video of himself

lip-syncing to "Countdown."

I think I may have found
the next ChaseDreams.

And guess what, world?

He's gay!

♪ When your whole world ♪

♪ Is fallin ♪

♪ Don't mope around inside ♪

♪ Come on and smile, boy ♪

♪ Just smile ♪

♪ Don't let it get you down ♪

♪ You should just shake
it off, lift it up ♪

♪ Never think about giving up ♪

♪ Just smile, boy, you just smile ♪

[bluesy chords]

♪ And when the road gets longer ♪

♪ You feel like giving up ♪

♪ ♪

♪ But that road makes you stronger ♪

♪ You gotta lift your
head, count to five ♪

♪ Right now, you're living this life ♪

♪ And smile, boy, just smile ♪

All right. Here we are.

♪ You smile ♪

Oops, just a stop sign.

Go. It's just a stop sign.

Now, you know Cary was the only one

in our family that Biscuit would hump.

And the vet said it was probably because

Biscuit knew that he could dominate him.

Hey.

Oh, how much has she
talked about me today?

It's been near constant.

Apparently your dog
always tried to f*ck you?

How did that even come up?

Is there an animal wrangler on?

- No. It's a cooking segment.
- Ugh. How was your day?

Good. The A.V. Club wants me

to start recapping old
episodes of "The West Wing."

Oh, fun. Why?

[sighs]

[heart thumping]

♪ It's been a long time comin' on me ♪

♪ I'm on a roll, see your boy come up ♪

♪ With the bad, bad roll, huh ♪

♪ Stamina, with a whole lot of attitude ♪

- [music stops]
- Sorry, I...

I just realized I haven't
eaten anything all day.

- Are you hungry?
- Actually, yeah, yeah.

Maybe we should order food now

and then have sex before the food comes,

'cause I'm not gonna
want to do it after.

Oh, yeah, no, of course not. Um,

yeah, I'll-I'll-I'll eat anything.

I don't really know
what's good around you.

How's Mediterranean?

Sorry, when I said anything,
I meant burgers or pasta.

[both chuckling]

- Hello.
- Hello.

- My name is Brooke Dubek.
- Oh!

Is your mom Pat Dubek? We love her show.

Oh. Yeah, no, that's...

I'm here because I'm a music manager.

That's why my hair's all
kind of folded to the left

and I just have the one
earring in the right ear.

Anyway, I would love
to represent your son.

The drag videos he makes in
his bedroom are incredible;

and I truly believe, with a manager,

he would be unstoppable.

So... what do you say?

Ethan!

What drag video is
this lady talking about?

I don't know.

[gags]

[gagging]

[breathing deeply]

Oh, my God, Ray. Now
we're making people puke?

Well, none of these
managers have been legit.

Now go wash your hands for lunch.

Okay, yas, drag my dirty hands, Daddy.

Okay, I'm close. I'm close.

[phone buzzes]

Oh, no. Pietro's close, too.

His little car thingy's on your street.

It is?

sh*t. sh*t.

Oh, his... his little circle
picture's actually kind of hot.

Oh, I'm gonna...

Ahh... ahh...

[both exhale]

- [buzzer]
- [laughing]

- That was really impressive timing.
- Thanks.

I used to do it with p*rn
all the time before I met you.

Hey.

- Seamless for Jess.
- All right. Thanks.

And not sure who got the burger,

but they ran out of Swiss.

Okay, I'll, uh, I'll
tell... I'll tell her.

Oh, sh*t.

I love eating a fat meal after sex.

It's like we did our homework,
and now we get to watch TV.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh, I'm
gonna... I think they...

think they forgot something.

Hi. Um, Jess is a boy.

- What?
- A man. He's an adult man.

That I have sex with,
'cause I'm-I'm gay.

and I like guys', uh, dicks and butts.

I don't know why I was
nervous for you to know that.

It's cool, man.

As soon as I opened the
door, I knew you were gay.

Oh. Good.

- Good. I'm glad.
- Because I watch your mom's show.

Oh, good.

- I mean, also good.
- Yeah.

Today at the end, she mentioned
you have a boyfriend. So, congrats.

Boyfriend?

[moody music]

[sighs]

♪ ♪

What up, guys, I'm here
with my new roommate, Ezra,

- just setting up our dorm.
- Yo! Whazzup, dreamers?

Yeah, I love this little dude.

Both: College, college, college! Yeah!

Ugh.

_

[TV in background]

[moody music continues]

♪ ♪

- What?
- Well,

I struck out literally all day.

Guess I'll represent... Mom?

I take it Alessia Cara
didn't get back to you?

No, which is so rude. Like,
we are peers in the industry.

- At least write me back.
- Sorry.

You and Alessia Cara are
"peers in the industry"?

Wait. Where are we? I thought we
were meeting your mom at The Smith.

Oh, no. Apparently, she got invited

to the opening of Blake
Lively's new restaurant,

- so we're going there instead.
- [phone buzzing]

- Fun.
- Bleh!

Oh, sh*t. I gotta take this.

It's work. Hey, you guys go ahead.

Okay, real quick. Did you
see Mom called me and Jess

"boyfriends" on her show today?

- Wait. She did?
- Yeah.

- Ohh...
- But then we talked, and...

I think we are?

It's only been two weeks,
but I really like him.

- Cary! Your first boyfriend.
- Yeah.

And I'm his first one too.

He didn't come out
till he was , and...

- we actually have a lot in common.
- Aww, I'm happy for you.

And you know what? You
proved people wrong.

There are still humans on OKCupid.

Okay, no, you don't get
to make fun of how we met.

You were at Jingle Ball
heckling Coldplay when you met...

Lance?

- Oh, hell, yeah.
- No. No. No.

- You do not get to be here.
- What?

You told me you didn't
want to be with me, Lance.

You don't just get to, like,
show up at family events

and dab anymore. It's not cute.

Also, why are you wearing
a see-through raincoat?

Oh. I'm sorry. After the VMAs,
I started moving into apparel...

I don't care. Why are you here?

I thought you knew I was coming.

Your mom invited everybody
on the family text thread.

You're still on that? Leave
the conversation, Lance!

I'm in the family and I
left it the day it started.

I think we're gonna go inside.

- Yo, whassup, Car?
- No, Cary. Do not pound him.

He has lost all pounding privileges.

Sorry.

Yo, I'm sorry, B. I-it been a while,

- so I thought it was okay if I came...
- Well, it's not.

Okay?

You really f*cked me up.

I miss you, like, every day.

Do you know how pathetic
that makes me feel?

I'm a strong, powerful
woman. I can't miss a man.

- Sorry, CookBrooke.
- It's Brooke.

I didn't mean to upset you.
I still wanna be your friend.

I don't want to be your friend, Lance.

I have plenty of friends.

- I have Jo. And Julie.
- Jackie.

- Who works at Mastercard.
- Amex.

- And her dead husband, Murph.
- Michael.

- Maph.
- Michael.

- Fern.
- Michael.

So you need to go.

And do not turn and leave.

I need you to back away
facing me. I cannot...

see that ass.

I understand.

But can you tell you mom I said hi?

I love her show.

Oh, my God. When did everyone
start watching talk shows?

I don't know. There's
just something about her.

[dance music, chatter]

Wait. This is Blake Lively's restaurant?

Yeah. Why is it Asian fusion?

Oh, Blake has been
passionate about the culture

and cuisine of Thailand

ever since she had a
layover there in March.

- And why is there spaghetti on the menu?
- That's the fusion.

God, it's : . Seems
so late for your mom.

Doesn't she have to
get up early for work?

- ♪ Good morning, boys ♪
- Morning?

I know. Isn't it wild?

Now that I have my
morning show, day is night

and night is day for me.

I get up at : p.m.,
head to work at ,

then I have / hours of makeup.

For women over ,

it's technically applied by a carpenter.

Did you know that, Cary? Then at : ,

I do my affiliate throws
for every city in America.

At : , I have my meetings.

At : , I do an hour of
touch-ups, again with the carpenter.

Then we sh**t at : .
The show airs at : .

I have my dinner at :
and I'm in bed by : .

Wow. That is quite a schedule.

Yes. It makes it very
hard to sync up for, um...

- intercourse.
- But I can't complain.

I mean, how many people get
to have their own talk show?

Hi, Pat.

Blake just wanted to thank
you so much for coming.

- Aww.
- And to reassure you

- that this isn't r*cist.
- Oh, good.

Oh, and I am so sorry for blabbing on.

This must be the famous Jess.

Yes. Hi. I feel like we've already met

since you talk about
me so much on your show.

I'm just so proud that Cary
finally has a boyfriend.

Oh, hey, Jess. I'm the,
uh, I'm the famous Streeter.

Welcome to the fam. As a former new guy

who has now fully immersed
himself within the group,

I gotta warn you...
these guys can be pretty

tough at times. Yeah, I
mean, they'll laugh at you,

and they'll make fun of you, and they'll

stop talking when you enter the room.

But that's just their way
of saying that they love you.

But it-it-it-it... can get to you.

You know, it can, um,

you know, really hurt at times.

Hey, there you guys are. Okay.

Mom, I've been thinking and...

I'm sorry, is this r*cist?

Oh, um, no. They said no.

Okay. Um, I've been thinking,
and I have a big announcement.

Wait, Brooke, before that,

do you see this stupid
loser that Cary brought?

This is what I'm talking about.

You see his dumb face
and his dumb clothes?

God, let's k*ll him. Ha.
Now you're fitting in.

Oh, my God. Streeter, stop.

I have something important to say.

Okay, as we all know, my brand
has historically been music.

But I've been thinking and,

Mom, I would really love
to be your co-manager.

- Aww.
- It's definitely not

because I couldn't find anyone else.

It's because I wanna work with you.

So what do you say? Can
I rejoin the Dream Team?

Honey, of course!

Oh, I'm so excited to
have you on the team.

Yeah, and you know I'm
in. I mean, oh, Brooke,

this is going to be the beginning
of a beautiful partnership.

- Okay.
- Oh, Brookie, do you think

that I should go thank
Blake for having us?

Oh, um, yeah.

- I think that's probably a good idea.
- Okay.

Why didn't she ask me?

- Ohh.
- Well, congrats on having a client

that knows they're your client.

Yes, thank you.

I'm officially a music
manager who works in daytime.

Well, I'm an actor who tries
on bras for Thrillist TV, so...

Hey, at least you're not waiting tables,

and you can afford to live alone.

Barely.

And wouldn't it be kinda
hard to manage Chase?

Not to be rude, but
he can't really sing.

That is true, Brooke. I love
him, but he is not a good singer.

I guess you're right.

I've been wanting him
to come back all day,

but, like, what would
we even do with him?

It's better he's in college just,
you know, being a normal kid.

What do you mean? Who's in college?

- Um, Chase?
- Oh, right. He's not.

He's back. He just
got here. Look. Chase!

- Hey, guys.
- Wazzzzup!

Chase is back. All right!

- Wait. What?
- Why are you here?

Oh, Chase, you gotta meet this
piece of sh*t that Cary's dating.

No, I love you. I love you, Jess.

Wait, no. I mean, hold on. Why
aren't you in school right now?

I miss being a singer. I mean,

college was lit but I
decided singing is more lit.

So I dropped out.

Isn't that the best news ever?

This is so insane.

ChaseDreams is, like, in
my Urban Planning class.

He is fully a child.

LOL. ChaseDreams has been taking

this Behavioral Studies
test for an hour,

and he has not written a thing.

Holy sh*t. ChaseDreams is in
my Behavioral Studies class.

I was teaching and I saw him, and
I was like, "What is happening?"

Yo, I'm f*cking on top of ChaseDreams!

- [groaning]
- Oh, my God.

These assholes. You should be
glad you didn't get into NYU.

- No, I got in, I just...
- Both: Just couldn't go.

I don't know.

It never even occurred to me
he'd be having a hard time.

But then, I guess, of course?

- Yeah.
- Hey.

Can I sit with you guys for a sec?

- Oh, yeah.
- Chase, yeah, yeah.

- Come on in.
- How are ya?

Good. I just met Jess.

He's really nice. Congrats
on your first boyfriend.

Oh, thanks, buddy.

Oh, and Streeter says
you're my manager now too?

Oh. Um, yeah. I am.

But he says if I have questions,

I should still ask him first
and then ask you second.

And then I didn't really get this part,

but he said I could ask Jess third
if I email him at loser dot com.

Oh, my God.

It's not bad that I quit, is it?

Oh, my God, no. Of course not.

I mean, I'm happy it was lit for you,

but I personally think
college is stupid.

- I didn't even go.
- Yeah. No, NYU's overrated.

Everyone says that.

Plus, all your fans are
gonna be so happy you're back.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Starting tomorrow, I'm gonna make you

an even more famous singer
than you already were.

Okay. Cool. Thanks, Brooke.

Yeah.

Well, I'll head back inside.

- All right, yeah.
- Okay.

How are you going to make
him a more famous singer?

We were literally just talking
about how he can't sing.

I don't know. I guess I'll sleep on it?

Brookie, there you are! I'm off to work.

And since it's your
first day on the team,

I thought maybe you can come
to the show and meet everyone.

- It's almost midnight.
- It's already midnight.

Day is night and night is day for me.

I wake up at : ,
head to work at : ,

then I have / hours of makeup.

Hey! Ha ha ha ha!

- I have a boyfriend.
- f*gg*t.

O... kay.

And that's when we found out

- my husband had cancer.
- Oh, no.

- We all knew we were gonna lose him.
- Of course.

But then the cancer went away.

- Oh, good.
- But then he got into a car accident.

- Oh, no.
- He was fine.

- Only the bumper was damaged.
- That's good.

But then last year,
the cancer came back.

And he d*ed.

- All: Aww.
- I'm so sorry to hear that, Sheila.

And in the future, that car
part can just lift right out.

- I can see that.
- Okay. That's our show.

To all of you who have lost someone,

I am right there with you.

We've all made it to a new day together,

so as always, let's give ourselves a...

All: Pat on the back.

I mean, I don't not get it.

♪ Caught up in the possibilities ♪

♪ Is the answer out there
right in front of me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm just looking
out for something to believe ♪

[echoing] ♪ To believe... to believe ♪

♪ I want to be a flirt, I'll own it ♪

♪ Back when the days weren't numbered ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Back when we needed the password ♪

♪ Before everything was discovered ♪

♪ ♪

♪ So I don't know what,
what I'm looking for ♪

♪ I just know that it's something more ♪

♪ It's always worth it to rise above ♪

♪ 'Cause you never know
just what you're capable of ♪

♪ So I keep moving ♪

♪ Looking out for something to believe ♪

♪ Looking out for something to believe ♪

♪ Looking out for something to believe ♪