02x04 - Pat Hosts Just Another Regular Show

[bunniefuu]

[BACK-UP BEEPING SOUND]

Ugh.

[LE F'S "WUT" PLAYS]

♪ Wut it do, wut it don't ♪

♪ Came through in the clutch ♪

♪ Stompin' like I'm up in Loubitons ♪

♪ Boys they wanna paint
me like I'm canvas ♪

[GROANING]

♪ I'm the kind of john ♪

♪ Closet dudes wanna go steady on ♪

♪ Toss my gems up, raise the bar ♪

♪ Yung Phenomenon, I
make that neo-n*zi ♪

♪ Kamikaze wanna firebomb ♪

[WOMAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

Amy, wha... what are you doing here?

Oh, just getting ready to
show this apartment to Ms...

Dubek.

God, this place is so huge.

I cannot believe I can
afford this all by myself now.

Girl, just goes to show,

- if you work hard and you're nice,
- [PHONE BUZZING]

anything's possible. Oh, just a second.

- Hello?
- Hey, all the guests just dropped out

for tomorrow's show... could you come help

- book some replacements?
- No! I've worked every f*cking second.

I told people I need one
hour to sign my g*dd*mn lease.

- Sorry. Where were we?
- I think we're done.

- You can move in tomorrow.
- Oh my gosh!

Congrats, Brooke. I'm so proud of you.

I'm proud of me too.

[EXHALES]

- We'll be downstairs.
- Okay.

Take your time if you want
to keep looking around.

All right. Thanks.

Oh, wow!

Yeah...

[PHONE BUZZES]

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing tomorrow?

You should come over and
see my huge, new place.

I'm sorry, I'm Upstate with Jess.

He planned a whole surprise getaway.

Oh! You guys are such a couple now.

Yeah, I actually wanted
to talk to you about that.

The other day he told
me I was his everything.

- Hey.
- Which is great, because he is mine.

God, this is so nice.

Yeah. Love taking a bath.

Just the two of us.

- No one else for miles.
- So I'll just leave you guys alone then.

No, no, no, I can keep
talking if you want.

I don't have to go, I can...

- Pfft.
- [UPBEAT POP MUSIC]

♪ I'm-I'm a winner ♪

Live in three, two...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Oh hey. Are all the guests here?

Yes, and thank you
for changing your mind

- and booking them.
- Oh. Of course, girl.

- Happy to help.
- 'Cause you really screamed at me yesterday,

- so I didn't think you would.
- What? Nope. Happy to help.

- Like, really screamed at me.
- Nope. Go away now.

What did you help her with? Why not me?

Am I bad? Do people think I'm bad?

- Oh my God, Streeter, relax.
I'll tell you what's going on

if you promise not to say anything.

- You mean, like a secret?
- Yes.

- Does, Sh... Shuli know?
- No. Okay, so yesterday,

I realized it's probably time for me

- to start dating again.
- Mmm.

You know, 'cause Cary has Jess

and you have my mom, and I have...

- no one.
- Oh my God, you're doing it.

- You're confiding in me.
- And then I was like,

"How am I supposed to
go out and meet guys?

- I'm at work all the time."
- You're just spilling your guts.

So I have booked the
hottest guys I can think of

on today's show, and when they're here,

I'm just gonna ask them out.

Oh, you are so bad. Ha ha.

Is this the kind of
stuff that you and Cary

were always cooking up
when I wasn't around?

- Am I the new Cary?
- Streeter, focus.

You can't tell anyone, okay?

As far as anyone knows,
this is just a regular show.

- Yes.
- Okay, we've got a great show today.

We have "People Magazine's"

- sexiest doctor alive...
- Ooh!

- Instagram's @TheShirtlessVet.
- Ooh!

A fashion model who showed up
on my daughter's Explore Page

after she followed TheShirtlessVet,

and Derek P from Jojo's
season of "The Bachelorette."

Ho ho! Well, I wish I could
stay for all the hijinks,

but we gotta go make a mold
for Chase's new cologne today.

Oh, wait, are we still
calling it Body by Chase?

Yes, and Shuli said that
the bottle should actually be

Chase's body... with
clothes on of course.

So he needs to be in a
full body cast for hours,

and I'm gonna sit with him

and feed him snacks into
his little tiny mouth hole

so he doesn't pass
out. Life of a singer.

- Cool.
- Oh wait.

So what else doesn't Shuli know?

Thanks so much. Have a good day.

Hi. How are you today?

- God, I'm so glad we're doing this.
- Yes. Picking apples.

Another fun thing to
do that we are doing.

So after we pay for these,
looks like we go over there,

'cause that's where the
Macintosh apples are.

Excuse me. How long do
people usually do this for?

We always make a whole day of it.

In fact, this is our th time up here.

It's a fall tradition.

You've done this
times. Just the two of you.

Same thing, every year until you die?

Oh, we don't look at it that.

It looks like there's
also a petting zoo,

which could maybe be cool.

Oh, there's a hayride,
that could be fun.

Why? Where does it go?

I think just like in a little circle.

Okay, I'll go get tics.

Wait. Oh my God.

Cary Dubek?

Cameron Colby?

Now please help me
welcome my first guest,

People's sexiest doctor alive, Dr. Nick.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Now, Dr. Nick,

you are here today to talk
about male pattern baldness.

- I am?
- That's what it says on my cards here

and specifically, if
it runs in your family.

Well, yes, both my dad and
my grandfather are fully bald

but then again, I was adopted.

- ALL: Aww.
- Yes!

Going in.

- Hey, great job on the show.
- Hey, thanks.

This is crazy, but would you
maybe want to get dinner tonight?

Oh. Sure.

Maybe we can, uh, eat at
my place and I can cook.

You also cook? I'm a genius.

Okay, that sounds great. I
just gotta get back out there

and see the rest of the
dates. I mean, the show.

So I'll see you tonight. I want burgers.

- Hey!
- Hey.

Oh, my God, Cary, what
are you even doing here?

I think picking apples until I die.

Ha ha ha! You're literally Jimmy Fallon.

But, hey, we should...
we should hang out, like,

now please. We're up for anything.

Hey, people are lining up.

Oh, hey, Jess, this
is my friend, Cameron.

- Hi.
- Hi. Nice to meet you.

Yeah. He's an Instagay. He's so fun.

- Remember that pool party?
- Oh my God, barely.

That whole life is behind
me now that I'm married.

- Oh my God. Congrats.
- Wait, what? You're married?

Yeah. And my name's not Cameron anymore,

it's at @thepropertydaddys.

The... The Property Daddies?

Yeah. I decided to take my personal life

in a new direction
creatively. So now I'm married,

I live Upstate, and I flip houses.

Oh my God, you guys have to come over

- and meet the other daddy.
- Oh, sure. Yes.

It'd be nice to have some
couple friends actually.

Yeah, yeah. I think it will be?

Now, Derek, before "The Bachelorette,"

it says on my cards that you were from

a crappy little nothing town in Iowa.

- It says that?
- Yes, I'm sorry.

But my question is you
must live in New York City

- or Los Angeles now, right?
- Yes. I split my time between both.

ALL: Whoo.

Hey. Great job on the show.

Would you maybe want to
get a drink this evening?

Oh. Yeah, I'd love that.

Okay. Well, I got to get back to work.

I take my job very seriously.

Now you're one of the most
beautiful models in the world.

So I have to ask you, your
personality must suck, right?

I don't know. I like to think I'm
a pretty nice down to earth guy.

- ALL: Aww.
- Yes!

Hey, great job on the show.

Would you maybe want to get lunch?

Um... sure. What's your name?

Oh, we'll just do that all at lunch.

And what kind of animal
did you bring us today?

- A little puppy?
- No, this is Carissa.

She is a -pound boa constrictor.

Now, boas have a cloaca,

so they don't pee or poop like we do,

but out of the same one hole,

right down here where
I'm putting my finger.

Oh my goodness, she's
going all over you!

Hey, great job on the
show. Goodbye forever.

This is their house?

All right, we don't have to
stay long if you don't wanna.

I'm not really sure
what this is gonna...

Cary! How dare you be
three minutes early.

- We're still in our PJ sets.
- Oh please, come on in.

And this actually is perfect timing.

We just finished hanging
some of our favorite memories

as a couple on our gallery wall.

- Come take a look.
- Oh, wow!

- Oh. Cool.
- Okay, so...

this is from when we wore jeans in bed.

And then this is from when we
painted a barn door in overalls.

We got paint everywhere. It was insane!

Oh, and then this is
our favorite memory ever.

We'll never forget it because we
got , likes in three minutes.

Do you guys have a gallery wall?

Oh, um, no, we don't live together.

Though it might make sense to soon.

My... my lease is up in a few months.

Awww, then you'd be just like us.

[OFF-KEY NOTES]

[OMINOUS MUSICAL STING]

Okay. Camera's up in .

Hey, Mom. I'm heading out for a bit.

- You okay? Do you need anything?
- No, I'm fine.

- Can't complain. Everything's good.
- Okay, cool.

Oh, don't forget. You have
that fan thing tonight.

- Yeah, my meet and greets?
- No, it's after that.

You are dressing up as a janitor

and surprising tourists in Times Square.

- Oh, another thing?
- Yeah, fans can't get enough.

Okay, wish me luck. I have a date.

Oh, honey. I'm so glad
you're getting back out there.

Yeah. You know? Could be nice
to have someone to come home to.

- Like how you have Streeter.
- I know.

Although yesterday I did wake up
to him to him nibbling my toes.

- Okay we're back in three...
- Okay.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye.

Hello and welcome to
"The Pat After Show"

presented by Chex Mix!

[GIGGLING]

Can I just say you are the
hottest person I have ever seen.

There's nothing wrong with you.

Well, I still use plastic straws.

Yeah. Literally, who
gives a sh*t about that?

Okay. I'm gonna use the restroom
real quick. I'll be right back.

Damn!

_

Hey, girl. Just want to say
good job. That guy is so hot.

- I know, right? Thank you.
- _

Hey, sorry to interrupt. I
just had to say, damn girl.

- Get it.
- Thank you. I will get it.

Oh my God, girl. That
is the hottest guy ever.

- Good for you.
- I know.

- Thank you.
- Truly, congratulations.

I looked over and was
like, "That's insane."

I mean, it's not insane.

It's like you've got to
tell me what your secret is.

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe that I'm a pretty
f*cking girl, you rude b*tches.

I'm sorry, I can't do this
for the rest of my life.

Plastic straws are bad so...

That's right.

I'm dumping him.

_

So what do your sweatshirts mean?

Oh, they're just these
totally stupid nicknames

- that we gave to each other.
- Yeah, I call him Breffis

because sometimes when he's tired,
that's how he says breakfast.

Guilty. And I call him Nooner
because one time he slept until noon,

- and I'm not even joking.
- [LIGHT CHUCKLES]

So what do you guys do up
here to spice things up?

Sorry, Cary. I can barely hear you.

Alexa, turn off our party playlist.

[VERY SOFT MUSIC TURNS OFF]

I was just asking how
you spice things up.

- Do you travel?
- Yeah, we actually just got back from Paris.

Oh, fun, fun. What'd you do there?

We did the Tea Cups, It's a Small World,

and Pirates of the Caribbean
like a zillion times.

So you... you flew to Paris
and went to Disneyland?

Yeah, and then we flew
right back home fun.

- That sounds fun. We should do that.
- We should?

Oh this hot chocolate's
making my mouth all gross.

Oh, excuse us. We're going to go
and brush his teeth real quick.

"We"?

- Hey, hi, I'm sorry I'm late.
- It's okay.

I had a mistake for lunch,

but I am so happy to
be here now with you.

Me too. So tell me about yourself.

Well, my name's Brooke D,
and I'm a dental hygienist.

Well, maybe if this goes well,

we can go back to the Fantasy Suite.

- _
- So tell me about work.

I think I remember from
the show you're a banker?

- That's cool.
- Oh no.

I work pretty much
full-time for The Nation now.

- "The... Nation"?
- Yeah, Bachelor Nation.

Just yesterday I was
with Josh from season ten

and Ben from Caitlin's season.

We were handing out apps
at the opening of a Bonobos.

Oh, um, okay, so you...

you just never really make
it to the bank anymore?

If you have brothers, tell
them to use Code Derek ten.

They'll get % off
any one pair of shorts.

Cool. Speaking of brothers,

why don't you tell me about your family?

Honestly, The Nation's my family now.

Robbie, Chase, Vinny,
James, Ben, Dylan, Tyler.

Come in.

Oh, wow. Yep.

That's exactly what
you said you'd be doing.

Cary, we're so glad you came over.

I love relationships for us.

Yeah. They're... they're great, but

I'm starting to worry maybe Jess
and I are just different people.

I know exactly how you feel.

Like I'm a Gryffindor and
he's a Ravenclaw. Like,

- how does that even work?
- Yeah, no that's... that's not what I meant.

Wait, do you guys have
a couple's account?

- No, no, not yet.
- I have the perfect name for you.

@thecuddleboys,

and it can just be
pictures of you cuddling

in all the different
rooms of your house.

Who would follow that?

Mostly straight women and brands,

so you'd have to keep it pretty PG.

But make sure you get
your bare feet in the sh*t,

that way gays in the know
can still jack it to you.

Sounds very cool, but...

but don't you guys ever
miss being single or...

or having your own accounts
or brushing your own teeth?

No way. I spent all my s being crazy.

I was ready to settle down.

Yeah, I guess I never really
did the whole... crazy part.

All right, Nooner. Let's shave ya.

Okay.

You know, I'd even
consider Sean my brother.

He wasn't even on my season.

I'm sorry, um...

Can we change the subject?

Yeah, I'm sorry. Enough about me.

Tell me about your last boyfriend.

Oh, well, we were together
for five years. Um...

it didn't... it didn't really end well,

but now I am looking for someone else

to share my enormous apartment with.

- Breakups are hard.
- Yeah.

You know, you just got to keep
getting back up on the horse

if you believe in love.

That's why, after Jojo season,
I did "Bachelor in Paradise."

You know, I wasn't ready for it,

- but I feel like I owed it to team Derek.
- Jesus.

And even though Taylor and I
broke up, she's still a great girl.

Oh, wait, Nooner, did I tell you

Cary is an actor in New York?

Oh, no, I'm mostly just hosting.

- You should host an HGTV show.
- Oh my God, yes!

Breffis and I have a pilot there.

It's called, "Flipping
House from Top and Bottom."

You could live here and
host a show together.

- Oh!
- We just flipped the cutest house across town.

You guys have to see it.

Let's go.

And here we are.

Wait.

- Did we move?
- Yes! We got in the car,

drove across town, and now we're here.

Oh, right. Of course.

This just looks exactly like your house.

What? No way. These pillows are green.

- Ours are blue.
- Yeah.

Come on. We'll show you the rest.

So this is the dining room.

Instead of black, we went with night.

This is so nice.

When we move in together in New York,

we'd probably just be in Cary's

- little one bedroom for starters.
- "When" we move in?

But maybe in five years

we can afford something
like this or ten.

[DARK MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER ECHOES]

Just like us.

[HYPERVENTILATING]

[EXHALES]

How's the burger?

I'm vegan, so it was bean paste.

- Hope that's okay.
- It was great.

I absolutely need this to work,

so love a pasty bean.

You know, next time I cook for
you, we should do it Upstate.

My kitchen there is so much bigger.

Oh, you have a place Upstate?

Maybe we can also take a couple's bath?

Oh, uh... ha ha... sure.

Speaking of,

would you maybe want to, uh,

move things to the bedroom?

Yeah, I think I'm ready
for a checkup, Doctor.

Um... have you had this mole checked?

Oh, um, I was just joking.

Don't actually give me a checkup.

[BOTH CHUCKLING]

- Has this mole always been there?
- Yeah. Please don't make this that.

Okay.

[BREATHING HARD]

Huh. I think I see something.

- Is it poop?
- No, no. It's like a little... lump.

I think you should get this checked out.

Yeah, totally. First thing tomorrow.

Yeah. You know, ethically,
it'd make me feel better

if I just take you now.

Oh my God.

- Oh my God.
- Babe, is everything okay in there?

- They want to show us he rest of the house.
- Yep.

I'm... I'm comin'... babe.

And in the kitchen, we added
a little chalkboard wall

so you can write notes to each other.

- Hey, Cary. Come look at this kitchen.
- Okay.

Hey, where did my marshmallows go?

I don't know but I found
one behind your ear.

- Nooner!
- Open up.

Mmm!

Hey, IGTV. It's the "Cuddle Boys."

- Here are my feet...
- And here are mine.

And today we're gonna show you

how to decorate a table for fall.

- Left hand red.
- I honestly can't or I will fall.

Oh, my God, Cary you're
literally Jimmy Fallon.

- [BOTH LAUGHING]
- No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

No, I'm not. No, I'm not.

[LAUGHTER ECHOING]

[EERIE OFF-KEY NOTES]

♪ ♪

- Oh!
- Hey. Are you...

I'm sorry, I can't do this.

Okay. Pulling back the labia,

there's a slight bit of discoloration,

not abnormal for a woman your age.

However, looking beneath
your clitoral hood

- _
- I do see a small abnormal lump.

Can I get some anesthesia please?

Oh, he's not operating on you.

Yeah, I still just don't
want to be awake for this.

[SIGHS] I think we
should order a biopsy.

- Wait, seriously?
- Oh, I'm sure it's nothing.

Just want to be safe and we
can put a rush on the results.

It'll only take an hour.

Oh.

I'm sorry, I... I
can't... I can't do this.

- Do what?
- I don't know, like

wear jeans in bed and go apple
picking and shave each other's faces.

Okay, I only know what two of those are,

and I thought apple picking was fun.

And I don't want to be a cuddle boy.

Like I... I want to be a sex boy.

Like, I like sex.

Okay. I like sex too. Obviously.

I mean, not during the
week but on weekends,

- like, Sundays before HBO.
- That's the thing.

I think I want to have
sex instead of HBO.

Well, now you're just being insane.

I don't want to go to Disney-Paris.

I want to go to regular Paris

and like find some guy
named Pierre on the street

and blow him and never see him again.

And I think I do want
to use a butt plug.

That sounds really hot to me.

- Where's this coming from?
- I don't know.

I think I'm just
realizing I've only seen

six dicks my whole life, and
three of them were straight,

one of them's mine, and
one of them was so bad

it shouldn't even count.

I don't know, I just... I
feel like maybe I need to see

more dicks before I settle down.

I mean, shouldn't I first see

dicks and then there'll
be one d*ck that's like,

that's the d*ck for me. That's it.

I... I mean, I'm not even
talking about dicks anymore.

Yeah, no, I got that.

I mean, don't you ever
worry that I'm not the

right person for you?

No, I'm happy with you.

I love you.

[WHISPERS] sh*t.

I'm sorry.

You're such a good guy, and

I was so proud to have a boyfriend.

I just... I'm...

I'm just not ready to be a cuddle boy.

Okay.

I mean, again I don't know what that is,

but okay.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE BUZZES]

[LINE RINGING]

- Hey, you've reached Cary.
- Oh God!

I guess he's still in the bath.

I want to be in a bath.

[LINE RINGING]

Sorry, gotta sweep up this mess here.

Just kidding, It's Pat! Surprise!

Oh my God. Ugh!

Probably getting her toes sucked.

I guess I'll... call a child?

Okay. You're doing great. Open up.

- [PHONE BUZZING]
- Just two more hours, bud.

When can I start my new album?

Shh, shh, shh. Try not to move.

We need the mold to capture
every curve of your body.

With clothes, on of course.

Oh man, this looks so good. I'm jealous.

- [LINE RINGING]
- [HUFFS]

Good. So I have

no one at the end of the day. I just...

I have no one.

- We got the results back.
- Oh, okay.

You're fine. It was
just an ingrown hair.

Oh God! Are you... really, are you sure?

Yes.

- Jesus.
- Between me and you,

I knew it was a hair.

I just didn't want to
make the doctor feel dumb,

but he is. Very dumb.

He spends all day on Instagram.
He's not a good doctor.

Hey, ha ha, great news, right?

You want to head back to my place

- and finish the checkup?
- Absolutely go f*ck yourself.

[FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]

[MOTOR HUMMING]

[MOODY MUSIC]

[PHONE BUZZES]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Sorry, I missed you. What's up?

Nothing. I just had a little scare.

It's all good. You can
go back to your bath.

I'm, uh, I'm actually back home.

Jess and I, uh, broke up.

Oh, Cary.

I'm so sorry.

Do you want to come
over and talk about it?

I think I'm okay, actually.

It was the right decision.

Oh, okay. Cool. Well, you know,

if you change your mind and
you do need to talk about it,

I am here in my...

big... empty apartment.

Well, you know that,

that does actually sound really nice.

I'll... I'll hop on the
subway. I'll be over in an hour.

Okay, cool, you know, but
if you wanted to talk sooner

you could also take a Lyft.

Okay, Brooke. I'll take a Lyft.

And if you were really
desperate to talk,

you could do Lyft Black.

Sometimes those cars are closer,

- and it shaves a couple of minutes off your trip.
- Look, Brooke, I can't take Lyft Black

because I'm still poor.

Okay, well, Lyft regular
then but call it now

'cause the sooner you
get here, the sooner...

- I can help you.
- Thanks, Brooke.

I'll see you soon.

[NAYAD'S "RED CARPET SAND"]

♪ Well, after all, we
did what we could ♪

♪ 'Cause everything was new ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I got all my secrets inside ♪

♪ Did you feel them too? ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Part of me stays ♪

♪ But the rest moves on ♪

♪ I'll try to smile ♪

♪ When I play your song ♪

♪ Why should we care ♪

♪ When we're all alone? ♪

♪ Hey, why are you so sad? ♪

♪ It's not even that bad ♪