02x02 - Ghosts

[bunniefuu]

(ODD CREAKING SOUND)

(SOUND REPEATS)

What the...

Who the hell gave you permission

to monkey around with
my precious volumes?

I have no idea what
you're talking about.

NANDOR: What has he done now?

He's been monkeying around
with my precious volumes.

No, I haven't been monkey... I
haven't touched your books.

Oh, really? Well, explain this.

sh*t, he's taken it up a notch.

That's worse than before.

Guillermo, why would
you do such a thing?

I didn't do it. I-I haven't
even been in this room.

I wasn't even here.

LASZLO: Well, you're in there now.

- NADJA: What's going on?
- LASZLO: It's Gizmo.

He's been causing havoc
in the household.

Ooh.

Look. Look.

"Laszlo sucks," backwards.

LASZLO: Laszlo doesn't suck.

And if he did, he certainly
wouldn't do it backwards.

GUILLERMO: I didn't write it.

NADJA: Hmm.

We've got ghosts.

- Bullshit.
- (NADJA GROANS)

(LASZLO GRUNTS)

("YOU'RE DEAD" BY NORMA TANEGA PLAYING)

♪ Don't sing if you want to live long ♪

♪ They have no use for your song ♪

♪ You're dead, you're
dead, you're dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world ♪

♪ Now your hope and compassion is gone ♪

♪ You sold out your dream to the world ♪

♪ Stay dead, stay dead, stay dead ♪

♪ You're dead and out of this world. ♪

♪ ♪

A ghost is the spirit of
a person who has d*ed,

but still has unfinished business

on this mortal plane.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

Okay, here we go again.

My wife comes from the kind of town

that believes in all this kind
of superstitious nonsense.

She also thinks goblins are real.

Personally, I'm a man of science.

All right, then, Dr. Arsehole,
how does your science

- explain what we just saw?
- Now, you see,

it can be one of two things.

One, a mercurical zephyr.

Two, it's a farrago of gasses,

possibly from a peat bog.

Now, if you capture these
and add them together,

using yellow bile from
a plague victim...

(HISSES)

you've got what looks like a ghost.

- But it's science.
- Ooh! (BLOWS RASPBERRY)

NANDOR: Ghosts are

the stuff of fairy tales.

Stories we tell children to frighten out

their excess energy so that they might

- slumber more peacefully.
- GUILLERMO: Huh.

Did you say something?

I'm sorry, vampires are
real, but ghosts are not?

He's heard too many fairy
stories from Nadja.

No, I actually just want to make sure

we're on the same page.

You know, after years
of working for you,

a known vampire, I have seen

- werewolves, necromancers...
- (GROWLING)

a zombie and several Babadooks,

but a ghost, that's
where we draw the line.

Several? You saw one Bababook.

- Several Ba...
- Don't exaggerate.

Do I believe in ghosts? Uh, no.

Color me skeptical.

Um, though, maybe it's ghosts
that are always stealing

that one sock from the dryer. (LAUGHS)

I've been experimenting with, uh, humor

to drain energy.

Which reminds me, does anyone here

have any updog?

Updog?

If I didn't know what updog was,

I would at least ask-ask me. (CHUCKLES)

Hey, everybody, look at my
enormous crystal balls.

Maybe these ghosts will
bring with them some updog.

Guillermo, did you get my
joke about my enormous balls?

- I did, Master.
- NADJA: Silence!

The time is nigh.

Everybody join hands.

COLIN: Sorry if my hands
are a little oily.

It's from my rash cream.

NADJA: Troubled spirits, draw ye near.

Uncloak yourselves and
reveal to us your forms

on this terrestrial plane.

I beseech you, using the ancient words.

'Eye' tis ka lay

ksenikon e patroion, e
pakouston e foraton e keye,

kath-eye-restho hon-'pear'

apokatharet-eye.

(VOCALIZING)

Mm...

(LOUD CREAKING)

(CREAKING MOAN ECHOES)

- Guillermo, did you make a fart?
- No.

I think someone summoned
a breakfast burrito.

Silence!

A spirit is struggling to be heard.

Is it maybe a spirit who's
struggling with IBS?

(LAUGHTER)

You have ruined the energy of the séance

with your toilet potty
poo-poo-mouth humor!

And a price will be paid. You fools!

Nadja, we were only joking.

Idiots.

(SIGHS)

(NADJA GASPS)

Oh, yes.

Jeff... Jesk.

So you are a ghost now, yes?

My Nadja.

For an eternity, I have longed to hear

your sweet, angelic voice
say my name again.

Well, it's only been a few
months since you d*ed,

but that's... Thank you, very nice.

I have missed you so.

Sorry, can I just stop you?

It's really weird with you down there.

If you could... Sorry, the head.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Put it back on the neck.

- Sorry, it's just...
- Right, right, right, right.

- Duh. Ew.
- Ugh. (CHUCKLES)

This is better, huh?

So much better.

- Thanks.
- So, Jesk, what can I...

Um, sorry for not taking
you seriously, my darling.

(SCOFFS) And what do you
think about it now?

What do I think about what?

Jesk, say something.

Hey, thanks for cutting my head off.

- Again. You d*ck.
- NADJA: Now, now.

He was just doing his husbandly duties.

Who are you talking to, my darling?

Can't you see him?

There's nobody there, my dear.
Are you okay?

- He's sitting right there.
- There's no one there.

- But he's...
- I'll, uh,

just go back inside and leave you

to, uh, talking to the air.

sh*t.

Nandor!

There's a f*cking ghost
on the front lawn.

- What? Not you, too.
- I couldn't believe it myself.

But what mine own eyes have
seen, mine own eyes have seen.

I pretended I couldn't see it,

which will give us the
element of surprise.

- Okay. Okay.
- We must act quickly.

Take the large one.

Yes, good idea.

Yeah, that's better.

Right, where's this f*cking ghost?!

(SHOUTING)

JEFF: ghost stuff.

Aah! Get ready to swallow my sword!
(GRUNTS)

But it's... What the f*ck?

Whoa, sh*t.

That's wild.

- Thank you!
- So, this...

You need to keep your
voice down, otherwise

- that thing will hear us.
- I can hear you.

Now look what you've done.

- What is this gloopy sh*t?
- Huh.

Looks like ectoplasm.

- Is that right?
- (CHUCKLING): I guess so.

- Is there any in my hair?
- Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Guillermo, tissue, please.

- COLIN: Quite a bit.
- NANDOR: f*cking guy.

That thing needs to be gone.

He's not going to hurt us.

- You're not going to hurt them, right?
- No.

I'm not gonna hurt you guys.

- I'm just here to scare you guys.
- LASZLO: Bollocks.

- Well, we're not scared.
- You should be scared of us.

- NADJA: Calm down.
- Really?

How about now?

- Been there, done that.
- JEFF: How about now?

(ROARING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

NADJA: Cut it out!

- Would you stop it!?
- (CHUCKLES)

Pardon me, ghost.

Later, man. It was nice meeting you.

So here's the situation.

Every time my human
ex-lover is reincarnated,

our bodies call to one anothe.

But without a body, he's
all Jesk and no Gregor.

And it stinks.

My unfinished business,
how it torments me.

Please, help me complete it
so I may leave this plane.

Sure. But what, exactly,
do you want me to do?

Just, like, swear that you'll help me...

Do what?! No. I don't
have time for this.

My husband is sh1tting
himself down the road.

All right, all right. I love you.

- And a little to the left.
- (GROANS)

- It sort of looks like updog.
- (HISSES)

(GROWLS) These ghosts, what are they?

NADJA: Humans have bodies.

And within the body resides the spirit.

When the human dies, the
spirit is released.

And that spirit is a ghost!

We are all dead, technically.

You, me and Laszlo.

Each of us d*ed when we became vampires.

Colin Robinson I'm not so sure about.

But the three of us.

Yeah, I'm not positive
what my deal is either,

so I just sort of keep on truckin'.

But what is the point?

If we are technically
dead, like he says,

could ghosts of us exist?

No, but...

Huh.

- Hmm.
- Hmm.

Huh...

- Not now.
- Shut up.

Hootorektas e-'pay' k-elastero

kath-eye-restho

hon-'pear' hootorektas

e-'pay' k-elastero apokatharet-eye.

Ooh, what the blazes?

- (ECHOING): Where am I?
- NADJA: Bloody hell.

(SHOUTS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

- That looks like me.
- What have you done?

Get off me.

(GHOSTS SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGES)

LASZLO: Be quiet.

Laszlo, he's wearing
your old night skirt.

He is. Got nothing underneath
it by the looks of it.

It's like looking in the mirror.

So handsome.

I didn't even know

I had any unfinished
business when I d*ed.

But, as you can see,

I have a ghost,

so there must be something.

(GHOST SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Guillermo, can you help
him with that, please?

- He seems very agitated and restless.
- (SHOUTING)

And also, he doesn't seem
to speak any English.

Excuse me.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I can't believe I've
completely forgotten

how to speak Al Qolnidarese.

My own language. So embarrassing.

Guillermo, what is he saying?

How-how would I know?

I do remember how to say
"Good morning," though.

GHOST NANDOR: Aspam...

Sob bekher.

Baleh?

Sob bekher.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

Yeah, no, that's all I've got.

Aspam oonjahss.

You could have learned
to play the bouzouki,

you could have learned
to play the zither,

you could have warmed six million
flatbreads on hot coals.

You could have done one thousand things

a one thousand times,
but what have you done?

Well, I have some things I've
been planning on getting to.

Maláka! All you do is
sit around this house

with these two dumb men just talking

about their willies and their arseholes.

I wouldn't call them dumb.

- And their farts.
- Whatever.

Enough about me. What about you?

How can I help you finish
your unfinished business?

Oh... (EXCLAIMS IN GREEK)

You are my unfinished business.

How can I rest until you do something

with your eternal life?

Instead of sitting around here
like a bump on a log's ass.

What? Like, learning
to play the bouzouki?

- That might be a start! Ugh...
- Oh... (EXCLAIMS IN GREEK)

BOTH: you are absolutely impossible.

- I am like...
- (LAUGHS)

(BOTH LAUGH)

We said exactly the same...

We did the same with the words.

Oh, come on.

Hey. I was, uh, just giving
you an update on my, um...

(CLEARS THROAT) ...unfinished business?

It remains unfinished.

- So, if you have...
- All right, not now, Jesk.

Yeah, okay.

Who was that pasty
little piece of hummus?

I'm telling you, don't
even go there, girly.

Nothing but a pain and the heartache.

Sounds like somebody has gone there

- and then come back from there.
- (LAUGHS)

Well, what can I say?

I'm a ravenous little monster.

We both are. We're very, very horny.

(BOTH LAUGH)

I bagged this chap on a midnight
sojourn to the Lake District.

- Keswick?
- Grasmere, actually.

Grasmere, yeah, I used to
visit a duchess in Grasmere.

- Yes, I remember.
- Yes, of course you do.

Now I am led to believe that
your presence here indicates

some kind of unfinished business
on this terrestrial plane.

- Indeed so.
- Sorry about that, old chap.

- Anything I can help with?
- Well, actually, yes.

I believe you can.

You remember the night you
officially d*ed, I presume?

Oh, I remember it well.

My lovely Nadja came in through
the window, took my life,

thus making me the vampire
you see before you now.

A damn handsome one
at that, I might say.

(LAUGHS) You're too kind.

Now, you remember the precise
moment Nadja took our life,

I was on the verge of a sexual climax.

Well, here's the thing. I was
on the verge of fulfillment,

yet I couldn't quite finish.

Ah. I see.

You want to finish your
final human orgasm?

Yes. I have tried to finish
myself off with these hands,

but they're ghost hands.

They don't have the necessary stimulus.

Hmm. How irritating.

Yeah, whereas your meat
hands, I'm convinced,

would give me the traction
for full sexual release.

Things are not going so great.

The language barrier is insurmountable.

Een khar asan zabooneh
khodesham yadesh nist.

Khejahlatam khoob chisiyeh.

Evah.

Aspam oonjahss.

You want to learn how to paint?

Nah. Aspam.

Aspam John.

Yes, my horse John.

John.

Yes.

I get it now.

Aspam John.

Areh. Aspam John.

Aspam means "my horse."

John.

NANDOR: John was my closest companion.

Closer than even members
of my own family.

House slaves, concubines,

wives.

Sometimes I would feed him nuts
and berries from my own mouth.

He would accompany me everywhere.

On the b*ttlefield,

as I relentlessly slaughtered
thousands of enemies.

And also, he would be there
when I felt a little sad.

John.

(BOTH LAUGH)

We have decided that my ghost

is going to stick around for a while.

Because we're having a
real laugh together.

(LAUGHS)

A very funny hat situation.

Two. One and two.

- (WHOOPS)
- You know, it is just so nice

to have someone smart to
talk to for a change.

I love Laszlo, I do,

- but it's always...
- Of course.

(LASZLO IMPRESSION):
"Ah, darling, I seem

"to have got my crotch stuck

to the taxidermy fox's mouth again.
Whoopsie."

So desperate.

You know? And Nandor is just like,

(NANDOR IMPRESSION): "Oh,
this battle and that battle."

So much toxic masculinity
in the Ottoman Empire.

- Serious. Real problem.
- (REGULAR VOICE): It is a lot me

sitting there silently,
nodding and smiling politely

and not a lot of plain talk.

Until this one came along.

Oh. Hang on. (GASPS)

Ooh.

You know, that could be perfect.

- Do you like?
- I love.

Okay, so do we need to do any sort

of occult procedure or ceremony or...

Ah. It was that easy.

Oh, yes. Yes, this will do nicely.

- (FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
- (LAUGHS) Oh, shh. Shh, shh.

No more talking. I don't
want the boys to know

that you have taken a new form.

I don't think they would understand.

- JEFF: Hey, Nadja?
- (SIGHS)

My unfinished business, please?

Gregor, please, just f*ck
off for real this time.

Listen, will you at least
hear my tales of woe?

I want to tell you about them,
I need to tell you about them.

Jesk, you are very sweet,

but you're not my
responsibility anymore.

Jesk, I think you need to hear this.

You are just a lovely guy that
I took very strong sex with

a few hundred thousand times,

and then my husband cut your head off.
Move on!

So you have been busy
these past years.

(GHOST NADJA LAUGHS)

So you want me to go?

- Go!
- All right, all right.

Oh, he's so pathetic.

I love it.

Seriously. Call me.

Jesk!

- Mm-hmm.
- GHOST NADJA: See you again soon,

you tasty little honeypot.

(KISSING SOUNDS)

Tonne a'otonne-tropon

kathi-restao.

Hon-pear apokatharet-eye.

Yuck.

- (SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
- (HORSE NEIGHING)

(HOOVES CLOPPING)

(WHINNIES SOFTLY)

- Aspam John.
- John.

NANDOR: John?

I have missed you so.

I never thought I would see you again.

John and I were inseparable, but, uh,

eventually, I had to eat him.

My army and myself found
ourselves stranded

with no food.

I ate John.

I wept the entire meal...

even though he tasted delicious.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

NANDOR: Been a good boy, yes?

(WHINNIES SOFTLY)

(SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

John? What is happening?

- Where are they going?
- COLIN: I think your ghost's

unfinished business is that

he wanted to be reunited
with your guys's horse.

- John.
- GHOST NANDOR: John.

Right. And now that
you've reunited them,

they can move on from this
world to the afterlife.

Farewell, John.

Perhaps we will be reunited again

in the hereafter.

Sob bekher.

Yes. Good morning to
you, too, my friend.

Good morning to you both.

Mm...

There, there.

Hug?

(WHISPERS): I think you
just need a little updog.

NANDOR: Can we go get some now?

Interesting choice for the walls.

It's not how I would do it.

- NADJA: Hello, darling.
- Hello, my darling.

- What have you got there?
- Oh... (STAMMERS)

Nothing, really, just a
little dolly I thought might

- cuten up the place. (CHUCKLES)
- What a charming addition.

So, where is your ghost?

Oh, he, uh, he's moved on,

to the next world.

Did you helped him finish
his unfinished business?

- Yes.
- Good.

- I'm gonna show her around.
- Ah, ha, ha.

-(SQUISHES)
-Ugh, what is all this
sticky stuff?

Oh, it-it's everywhere.

Is it ghost ectoplasm?

Yes, my darling. That's
exactly what it is.

- Ghost ectoplasm.
- (MOANS)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(SQUISHING)

Hon-pear hootorektas e-pay

k-elastero apokatharet-eye.

- Colin.
- Hi, Grandma.

You are such a big boy now.

And even more handsome.

It's probably because
I have so much updog.

What's updog?

Nothing much, dog, what's up with you?

(BOTH LAUGH)

- (SNORTS)
- Oh, Colin.

You are such a stitch.

- All right, then.
- So tell me, how is your life?

I have missed so much.

Uh, Grandma, I'm gonna be
honest, I'm pretty busy

right now, so maybe we can
catch up another time.

But there's so much I
want to ask you about.

- Okay, got to go.
- Oh...

Later. (EXHALES)

♪ Darling, I will miss you so ♪

♪ When you have gone away ♪

♪ Miss your kisses ♪

♪ And fond caress ♪

♪ Your haunting voice ♪

♪ And your loveliness ♪

♪ Darlin, I will miss you so ♪

♪ Darling, I'll miss you so. ♪