02x20 - The Black Eye

[bunniefuu]

Ricky!

Lucy!

Ow!

What are you trying to do, k*ll me?

Well, what are you doing

sneaking around behind the door?

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't make so much noise.

What's going on?

You're going to wake up the kid.

She slammed the door on my nose.

I did not.
He walked right into it.

You okay now, Fred?

I wouldn't be surprised if it's
broken.

I may never smell again.

You want to bet?

Oh, go on, make jokes.

You probably knew I was behind the
door.

I did not.

Anyway, I don't see

how the door got near your nose

with that big stomach bumper you've
got.

I just hope you haven't marred

this classic profile, that's all.

Oh, brother.

Let me see, Fred.

Hey, you got quite a bump.

I wouldn't be surprised if that eye
turns black.

Yeah?

Now you see what you've done.

Here I am with a black eye

and I got to go to a lodge meeting
tonight.

Well, you got a perfect excuse.

You're probably the only person in
history

who ever really got a black eye

by walking into a door.

But they'll never believe that.

Why not?
It's the truth.

No, that doesn't matter.

Nobody ever believes the real story
of a black eye.

I don't see why not.

When?

Oh, I did too believe you.

You did not.

I did, too.

You certainly had a funny way of
showing it.

I'll never forget how surprised I was

by your attitude.

Lucy and I were just sitting at home

minding our own business.

She was reading a book, and I walked
into the room

and that's when the whole thing
started.

Hey, honey, you seen the book I was
reading?

I thought I left it on that table
there.

What could I have done with my book?

Hey, that's my book.

Hey, what are you doing?!

Well, that's the book I was reading.

I was reading it last night.

Well, I'm reading it tonight.

Now, Lucy, be fair.

The book belongs to the person who
started it first.

It does not.
There's a new rule:

readers keepers, losers go look at
television.

That rule does not apply to Cubans.

Now, Ricky, come on.

Come on, now, give me the book!

Oh, this is getting us nowhere.

Come on, we'll read it together.

Oh, all right.

Can you see all right to read?

Sure.

"Madge went into the darkened room

and there she saw..." Lucy's thumb.

Oh.

Sorry. How's that?

That's fine.

"Gordon plunged a Kn*fe
into her back several times.

"She tried desperately to fight back.

"But the blood, oozing from her many
wounds,

"poured about her feet as she slipped
to the ground

"taking the lamp, electrocuting
herself.

Nothing but a pile of ashes was
left."

Are you ready to turn the page?

No, I'm not ready to turn the page.

You were mumbling so loud

I wasn't able to concentrate.

I haven't read a word yet.

Oh, well, there's nothing on that
page anyway.

Madge tried to poison Gordon, Gordon
found out about it

and he tried to run her over with his
car.

That's all. Next page.

"Gordon left the house...
dismembering the housekeeper"?

Ew!

"Disposing of her body in the garbage
disposal..."

Honey, will you please stop mumbling?

Well, I'm just reading.

Well, honey, can you read with your
mouth close?

Okay.

Oh, no, no, no, this won't work.

No, no, I can't read that way. No.

I can't read that way!

How about one of us reading out loud
to the other?

All right.

Okay.

Well, go ahead.

"Madge se levantó de la carretera

"y fue donde estaba...

"cuando llegó ahí with the car,
Gordon le dijo:

"'Madge, ven acá,' y le dio así en
la cara

"iPim, pum, pam, pum!

"Y entonces la pobre muchacha tenía
blood all over the place

"y le dijo 'iNo, no me des más, no
me des más!

Perdona, Gordon, ino, no me des
más!'"

When I read, I translate into Spanish

as I go along.

Yeah.

"Madge got up from the road

"after Gordon had run her over with
the car

"and ran to him.

"She was beaten and torn.

"Her clothes were in shreds

"And blood poured from her many
wounds.

"Their eyes met.

"Then in a feeble voice, Madge said,

"'You don't like me, do you?'"

"Suddenly, she gathered strength.

"'Go ahead, admit it,' she shouted

'You hate me!'"

Honey...

"You hate me, don't you?
Lucy.

Don't you?!" You don't have to shout!

Honey, you don't have to shout.

I can't help it!

I can't help it.

I get carried away with this stuff.

All right, go ahead.

But try to control yourself.

Okay.

"Gordon couldn't stand it any longer.

"He screamed at her, 'Okay, Madge,
you asked for it.'

"He started slowly toward her.

"Madge's eyes showed terror.

"He came closer, closer...

closer..."

Wait a minute, Fred.

Don't just walk in.
Ring the bell.

Well, we always just walk in.

Yeah, I know, but they don't know
we're coming

and people like a little privacy.

Well, these aren't people.

They're Ricky and Lucy.

Ring the bell.

All of a sudden you're so sensitive.

"I was right. I knew
it.
I was right.

You do hate me, don't you?"

No, wait.

"No, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't strike me!"

What's going on In there?

"Go ahead, you cad, hit me!

"I dare you. I dare you.

I dare you!"

Ah!

She went one "I dare you" too far.

She should know better

than to dare that hot-blooded Cuban.

Why, that big bum hit her.

No, Fred, wait.

Come here.
I'm thinking of them.

When they hear the bell

they'll go to neutral corners.

We can't just bust in on them at a
time like this.

Don't you feel well, Ethel?

I thought you'd be dying to get in
there

and see what the fight's all about.

Fred... No, there's just one decent
thing to do.

We'll go downstairs and phone.

What for?

To let them know we're coming up.

Then we'll go in and see what the
fight's about.

"Later that night

"Madge was crying softly in her room

"waiting for the phone to ring.

"They said they'd call

"if they found Gordon's battered body

"when they dragged the river.

"She waited and waited.

Wouldn't that phone ever ring?"

They found the body!

Honey, what's the matter?!

That's our phone.

Oh.

Hello?

Hello, Lucy.
This is Ethel.

Are you all right?

Yeah. Why?

Lucy, this is Ethel.

Yeah, I know.

This is Ethel, your friend.

To whom you may turn in a moment of
crisis.

Ethel, have you been drinking?

Okay, don't tell me.

We thought we'd come up.

Unless, of course, there's some
reason

you don't want to see us right now.

No, come on up.
We're just sitting here reading.

"We're just sitting here reading,"
she says.

Okay, we'll be up.

Anything we can bring?

Cookies? Ice cream? Iodine?

No, not a thing.
Come on up.

Okay.

Iodine?

What does Ethel want?

They're coming up.

Oh, I want to find out

what happened to Madge and Gordon.

Well, we'll find out later.

I'm going to go put on a new face.
All right.

Oh, listen, honey,

put this by the bed

and then we can read it before we go
to sleep.

Oh! My eye!

Oh, honey... oh, what happened,
honey?

Oh...

Oh, honey, oh, I'm sorry.

-Did I hit you in the eye?
-Oh, yes.

Oh, gee, honey, I'm sorry, doll.

Well, it wasn't your fault, honey.

Oh, gosh, it hurts so.
Right there.

Let me look at it.
Oh...

Oh, you sure got a whack.
Oh...

It's starting to get black already.

Oh, really?

a black eye.

Oh, honey.

Oh, that must be the Mertzes.
You let them in.

I'm going to go put something cold on
this.
I'm sorry, sweetheart.

It's all right, dear.

Oh...

Hi, Ethel.

Hello, Ricky.

Hi, Fred.

Hi, Rick.

Where's Lucy?

Oh, she'll be right in.

Won't you sit down?

Fine.

Honey, it is the Mertzes!

They're here!

He's a cool customer, isn't he?

Fast, too.

He hasn't got a scratch on him.

What's new?

Oh, nothing.

Nothing.

What's new up here?

Nothing.

Just sitting around.

Oh?

I see.

Uh...

would you, uh...

Would you like a drink or something?

Oh, no, thanks.
No? No, thanks.

Hi, folks.

Lucy...

Oh, you poor little thing.

What? Oh, my eye.

Yeah, your eye.

How did it happen?

Oh...

Ricky slugged me.

Yeah.

Yeah, I finally decided to, boom, let
her have it.

Oh, you better come down and stay
with us, honey.

What?

What do you mean, Ethel?

Imagine, striking a woman.

Oh, Fred, Ethel, I was just kidding.

Now, don't try to protect him, honey.

He isn't worth it.

No, really.

I just said that Ricky slugged me

because nobody ever believes

the real story of a black eye.

Yeah.

And what is the real story?

Ricky tossed a book to me, I missed
it,

and it hit me in the eye.

Yeah.

Oh, come now.

You can do better than that.

No, really, Ethel, that's what
happened.

How do you like it, they never
believe the real story.

How do you like that?

For goodness' sakes, Ethel,

you don't think

that I would actually hit Lucy, do
you?

Apparently they don't want to take us

into their confidence.

Come on, Fred.

Oh, now, Ethel, come here.

No. There are times

when even the best friends are
unwelcome.

Now, wait a minute, you two.

Now, listen, Fred, let me explain to
you what...

Please, please.

Don't drag us into your sordid family
squabbles.

Shall we go, Ethel?

Well, did you ever?

How do you like that?

Well, I'll explain it to her in the
morning.

Come on, now we can find out

what happened to Madge and Gordon.

Okay.

Good morning, Lucy.

Oh, hi, Ethel.

Has the brute gone?

Who?

Oh, Ricky.

Yeah, he's gone to rehearsal.

Let me see your eye.

Oh, boy.

That rat really gave you a mouse.

Gee, I'm sorry I talked to you

the way I did last night.

I couldn't sleep a wink.

Well, honey, I accept your apology.

I'm not apologizing.

I couldn't sleep

'cause I didn't know the real story.

Come on, tell me. What happened?

I told you, Ethel:

Ricky tossed a book to me, I missed
it

and it hit me in the eye.

I know, I know.

That's the story for publication.

Now, what's the gory truth?

How many times do I have to tell you,
honey?

Ricky tossed a...

You're not going to be satisfied

until you get a real juicy story out
of me, are you?

No.

Come on.

Okay.

Well, last night

Ricky and I were sitting around after
dinner.

We got into a little argument.

Close your mouth.

Where was I?

You were sitting around after dinner

when, suddenly, Ricky grabbed you by
the hair

and slugged you.

Yeah.

Go on.

Well, like you say,

he grabbed me by the hair, and he
slugged me.

Yeah.
No!

And then he slugged me again...

Pow! Oh!

Pow! Oh!

Pow! Oh!

And then what?

He came at me.

You know how wild those Cubans are

when they get mad.

He grabbed me by the throat.

I gasped for air.

I cried for mercy.

"Mercy! Mercy! Mercy!"

And then he said he hated you.

Okay.

Finally, who knows why, he let go.

And I lay there cowering and
whimpering...

"Please, no, oh, oh, no."

He just looked down at me, and he
laughed.

"Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"

And then he kicked me.

He was just about to kick me again

when the phone rang.

Oh, this is even better than I
expected.

Uh, what started it all?

What made him so mad?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No. We were just sitting around

talking about the weather, his new
show at the club.

I told him I was in love with another
man

and all of a sudden, for no reason at
all...

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Back up.

You said you were in love with
another man?

Oh, no, no, I didn't say that.

Who is it?! Who? Who?

Nobody. I couldn't possibly tell you,
Ethel.

Why, is it somebody I know?

Who is it?!

I'm not going to tell you.

Oh, Lucy, you can't stop there.
I am not going to tell you.

I didn't sleep a wink last night.
I shouldn't have told you...

Well, what am I going to do tonight?
No! I am not going to tell you.

Oh, Rick!

Hey, Ricky!

Wait a minute.

Oh, hiya, Fred.
What's the matter?

Where you rushing off to?

Well, I'm going to rehearsal.

I'm late now.
What's up?

Well, I wanted to talk to you about
last night.

I wasn't really sore at you.

I was going along with Ethel.

Last night?
Yeah.

Oh! Well, let me tell you about
that...

Listen, I know just how you felt.

No, you don't.

Oh, yes I do.

I've been married a lot longer than
you have.

And you should never have lost your
temper that much.

However, it's done, and there's one
way out of it.

I see. What's that?

Don't stand on false pride.

Whether you're right or wrong

be big about it.

Apologize.

Send her some flowers.

Well, that's very sweet of you

to be so concerned about it, Fred,

but, uh, I told you what happened
last night.

You don't think that I would ever

really hit Lucy, do you?

If you give her a chance to brood

it'll cost more than flowers.

Now, why don't you be smart?

Look, Fred, I'm late.

I'll talk to you about it later.

Now, listen, I really know about
these things, Rick.

Come on in now and send her some
flowers.

Wait a minute, Fred.

This is getting silly.

I didn't do anything last night.

I'm not going to send anybody any
flowers,

and I'm already late for rehearsal,
so good-bye.

Good morning, Mr. Mertz.

Oh, hello, Pete.

I want you to pick me out a dozen
beautiful red roses

and I'd like to have them delivered
this afternoon.

Gee, I'm afraid you're too late.

Our delivery truck is just leaving.

See if you can catch him, will you?

I'll try.
Thanks.

Hey, Phil!

Phil, hold it a second!

Hold it!

Okay, I caught him.

Oh, fine. Thanks.

I'll have this card ready in a
minute.

Right.

Hey, Pete, what are these?

Gladiolus.

Gladiolus?
That's right.

They're beautiful.

Put some of those in, will ya?

Okay, fine.

They're grand.

Mm-hmm.

There we are.

There, you got 'em?

One second.

Address is right on that envelope.

Okay, fine.

They'll have it in a jiffy.

Well, they're on their way.

Oh, fine.

I want them to get up there

before her husband gets home.

Why, Mr. Mertz!

Oh, now, now, now.

Just a minute.

Ricky and Lucy had a little fight
last night.

Ricky's a little stubborn

so I'm sending her some roses in his
name.

Oh, I see.

Wait till she sees that card.

I wrote, "Darling, I love you, I love
you,

I love you."

Oh.

And then I signed it, "Eternally
yours, Fred."

Fred?

Fred!

Stop that truck!

Get that card!

It's too late!
It's left.

Oh, no!

Wait a minute!
You didn't pay me!

Hey, Fred.

What's the matter with you?

Nothing.

Well, why did you run in the door
like that?

Well, well, I-I couldn't wait to get
home to you.

Oh.

Me?!

Yeah.

Hey, you haven't seen any deliveries

in the last few minutes...

Laundry? Groceries?

No, nothing like that.

Oh.
Just a florist.

He left some flowers for Lucy

and she wasn't home, so I took 'em.

Yeah? Well, where are they?

I put them up in her apartment.

Gee, I was dying to peek in the box
and see who they were from.

If she doesn't come home pretty soon,
I think I will.

Oh, no, no, no!

I don't want my wife doing anything
like that.

Besides, they must be from Ricky.

Maybe they are, and maybe they
aren't.

Well, I'll see you later.

Where are you going?

Uh...
I'm going to turn the heat up.

It's cold in here.

Turn the heat up?

It's like an oven in here!

Yeah, by gosh, you're right.

I better turn the heat down.

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy?

Lucy?

Ooh!

Gee.

Ooh!

La, la-la-la

Oh, hello, Lucy!

Hi!

I didn't know you were home.

Yeah, I just got here.

Look, Ethel... flowers!

Oh...?

Gee, I wonder who they're from.

So do I.

They're probably from... him.

"Him"?

Him whom?

You know him whom.

M.L.

Oh...!

Mystery lover.

They're probably from Ricky.

Ooh, I'm so excited!

Oh! Aren't they lovely!

Oh, gee.

Yeah, they're from Ricky.

Yeah? Look at the card and see.

Ethel, I wouldn't do this for anyone
but you.

Here, you look at the card

and then you'll know who my mystery
lover is.

Okay.

"Darling, I love you, I love you, I
love you.

Eternally yours, Fred."

Fred?!
Fred?!

Fred who?

You know Fred who.

Oh, now, Ethel,

you certainly don't think

that these are from Fred Mertz, do
you?

Well, this card certainly

wasn't written By Fred MacMurray.

Oh, now, Ethel.

Fred, my beautiful, fat old goat

your mystery lover.

This is just ridiculous.

How can I fall for a fat old goat
like him?

Don't you talk like that about Fred!

Well, you said it first.

Well, I can say it.

He's my old goat.

This is just silly.
I'm not going to discuss it.

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no, I'm not!

Oh, yes, you are!

Oh, no, I'm not!
I'm not going to say one word!
Oh, yes, you are!

Wait a minute.

Well, if it isn't old mystery lover.

Fred, what were you doing in my
closet?

"Fred, what were you doing in my
closet?"

Oh, brother.

Ethel, my love!

Don't you "Ethel, my love" me!

Oh!

My eye!

My eye!

Oh, Ethel, really!

Don't you talk to me!

Fred, how are you?
What's the matter?

I'll show you what the matter
is! This is!

Oh!

What happened?

Well?

Ethel and I have an apology to make.

Oh?

You remember that story you told us

about you getting a black eye when
Ricky tossed a book to you?

Yes?

It is possible.

Oh. And how did you finally arrive

at that conclusion?

Ethel!

Oh, no.

Did Fred tell you how it happened?

You mean that phony story about
tossing a book to you?

Yeah.

Oh, come now.

You can do a lot better than that,
can't you?

Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry I didn't believe
you.

I'm sorry, too, Rick.

It can happen.

That's all right, Fred.

I wanted to take a couple of days off
from work anyway.

Oh, Ricky, you're a wonderful sport.