04x02 - The Matchmaker

[bunniefuu]

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

Oh, no, no, now, Dorothy, please.

I want to do it for you.

It's the only way.

Now, look, you and Sam come over for
dinner tonight

and just leave the rest to me.

Oh, now, stop worrying about it.

We'll have him in the trap

before he knows what hit him.

Yeah, well, you be here tonight at
: , okay?

All right, bye-bye.

Who are you trapping, this time,
Daniel Boone?

Sam Carter, that fellow

Dorothy Cooke's been going with for
such a long time.

Oh, you mean she finally roped old
slippery Sam?

Well, she's got the noose around his
neck.

All she wants us to do is help her
tighten it.

Us?

Yeah.

Oh, I don't know, I think I'm a
little rusty.

It's been years since I bagged fat
Freddie.

Oh, nonsense.

Getting a man is just like swimming.

Once you learn, you never forget.

Anyway, I have a plan.

We are going to show Sam what it's
like to be married.

First, I'm going to serve a delicious
home-cooked meal,

and then we'll all tiptoe in and take
a look at the baby

sleeping peacefully in his little
crib.

And then we'll all come out here

and sit around a big fire and listen
to romantic music.

Oh, that'll be nice.

Won't it?

Yeah. When are you going to show him

what it's like to be married?

Now, Ethel.

Look, Ricky and I will be

a wonderful example of a young
married couple

and you and Fred will be

a wonderful example of an o... oh.

You and Fred will be a wonderful
example

Yeah?

Well, you and Fred will be

a wonderful example of a young couple

who have been married years.

Oh.

And are still madly in love with each
other.

Me and Fred?!

Well, look, for tonight, fake it.

Okay, I'll try.

All right.

What's so special about tonight?

She's had her hooks in Sam for three
years.

I know it.

But he's leaving for California
tomorrow morning.

This is her last chance to reel him
in.

Tell me something, Cupid.

What?

Does Ricky know about this?

Of course not.

And there's no need to tell him
either.

Look, the evening will be over, Sam
will propose

our mission will be accomplished

and Ricky will never know

he helped bring another bachelor to
his knees.

Oh, hi, dear.

Hello, honey.

How's my little husband?

Oh, not so good.

Oh, what's the matter?

I got a awful headache.

Oh...

What's all that?

Oh, I just thought we'd have a cozy
little dinner.

Just the four of us?

What did you do?

Get a girlfriend for little Ricky?

No, Dorothy and Sam are coming over.

Dorothy and Sam who?

You know.

Oh, you mean Dorothy Spider and Sam
Fly.

Hasn't she got him in her parlor yet?

I don't know what you're talking
about.

Well, look, honey, why don't you call
it off?

I'm not in the mood to see anybody
tonight.

But, honey, I can't call it off.

They've been planning on it for such
a long time.

Oh, all right.

Hey!

Yeah?

You never mentioned this before.

When did you ask them?

Go take your shower, dear.

Lucy.

When did you ask them?

This afternoon.

Well, Sam's going away tomorrow

and it's her last chance to cat...

Her last chance to what?

It's her last chance to have dinner
here with him.

Why the sudden interest in Dorothy
and Sam?

Have you been messing around with
their romance?

Of course not.

I just think they're two nice people

to have dinner with, that's all.

I don't care if they never get
married.

What is it to me?

All right, we'll have dinner.
but let's break it up early.

I got a recording session in the
morning.

I got to be in bed by : .

: ?

Yeah, I'm sorry, honey, but if I
don't get some rest tonight,

I won't have any voice left at all.

They'll understand.

But, honey, this is your one night
off.

I think it'd do you a lot more good

to just sit around and relax and have
a few laughs.

(guffawing)

A few chuckles?

(chuckling)

A little snicker?

(doorbell buzzing)

LUCY: Oh, will you get that, dear?

I'm not quite ready yet.

It figures.

Oh, hello, Dorothy!

Hi, Ricky.

Hello, Sam.
How are you?

Rick, nice to see you How have you
been?

Fine, thank you.
Wonderful.

Here, give me your hat and coat.

Thank you very much.

How you been, huh?

Oh, fine.
Good. Sit down.

Make yourselves at home.
Thanks a lot.

Um, where's Lucy?

RICKY: Oh, she's not ready yet.

Oh.

You know how long it takes them, Sam.

Oh, that's right, you're not married,
are you?

No.

Not yet.

Well, you're cleverer than I thought.

How you managed to keep single all
these years...

Oh, oh, uh, Ricky, the apartment
looks lovely.

Oh, thank you.

Sam, uh, they have a lovely baby.

Oh, Ricky, could we see him?

Well, I wish you could, but he's
already sleeping.

Lucy doesn't like anybody to go in
while he's asleep, you know.

She really puts her foot down on
that.

Well, hello, honey! Hi,
Lucy.

Sam, so nice to see you again.

Thank you, Lucy.

Please sit down.

Thank you very much.

My, aren't they a handsome couple?

Oh, Sam's the handsome one.

Stop it, Dorothy. Stop.

We were just talking about the baby.

Oh, talking about babies.

Think of the beautiful children

these two could have.

Imagine, a little girl with Dorothy's
lovely hair

and Sam's wide-set eyes.

RICKY: Yeah.

(laughing)

What are you laughing at?

I was just thinking, it'd be funny

if she turns out to have Dorothy's
lovely eyes

and Sam's wide-set hair.

Oh, don't pay any attention to him.

Aw, no. I want her to look exactly
like Sam.

Oh, well, of course she would, dear.

Oh, gee, I wish the baby was awake.

Well, let's go in and look at him
anyway.

What do you mean, let's go in and
look at him...

Honey, please.

Come on.

DOROTHY: Oh, isn't he darling?

Husky, huh?

Yes, he is.

(sniffing)

Lucy.

Lucy, I smell something burning in
the oven.

My chickens!
My chickens!

(baby screaming)

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Oh... oh, my!

Oh, my whole dinner!

My whole dinner!

My whole dinner!

Oh, no!

And then there I was in the middle of
the stage,

and I started singing.

Well, I was years old when I sang
the first song

and I've been in show business ever
since.

Oh, show business must be so
exciting.

Yeah, it's a lot of work, but I love
it.

Well, the baby is finally asleep.

I'm so sorry dinner was ruined.

Oh, you fixed something for them,
dear.

No, Dorothy did.

She's a real good cook.

Well.

Best meal I had in months.

Thank you.

I have a warm plate for you in the
kitchen.

Oh, no, thanks, Dorothy.
I'm not a bit hungry.

Well, as long as you're here now,
I'll excuse myself.

I can't keep my eyes open.

Oh, well, I'll, I'll fix you some
coffee, dear.

That'll keep those big, brown eyes
open.

No, eh, eh, no, honey.

Uh, I hope you understand.

I have a recording session in the
morning

and I'm just dead tired.

Uh, but, honey,

can't you stay just a little while
longer?

We-we have company.

Well, I know, dear, and I'm awfully
sorry, but...

All right, we understand, uh, don't
we, dear?

Oh, of course.

A man should be able to do

anything he wants to in his own home.

Right.

Good night.

Good night.

Ricky!

Lucy, don't shake your head at me
like that.

I told you when I got home that I had
to be in bed by : .

I know you did, but I didn't think
you meant it, dear.

Well, it's all your fault, dear.

My fault, darling?

Yes, darling.

If you would have consulted with me
before you made your plans,

I would have told you.

Oh, I'm so sorry,

I forgot to ask your permission, Your
Majesty.

Sam, we'd better go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, don't go.

Ricky is not going to bed.

Ricky is going to bed.

Ricky is not going to bed.

He's going to stay here and act
happily married if it kills him.

Oh, Lucy, what's the use?

It's all ruined anyway.

What's ruined?

You were right, dear, go to bed.

Lucy?

Yes, sir.

I thought I told you to mess out.

Well, I don't care.

I only wanted Sam and Dorothy

to be as happily married as I thought
we were.

Well, tonight has been a glorious
example.

Well, tonight doesn't count.

This isn't like any other night.

You know, the baby cried and the food
b*rned.

Yes, that's true.

Yeah, that's true, but why did you
say

that tonight is not like any other
night?

Now, you cut that out, Ricky Ricardo!

You're happily married, and you know
it!

Well, all right.

Sit down, Sam.

Dorothy.

What are you going to do now?

I'm just going to tell Sam

exactly the way I feel about
marriage.

Don't you dare!

Sit down, Lucy.

Sam, my boy, I've been married over
years

and if I had it to do over...

I'd get married again.

You would?

Yep, I would gladly get married
again.

But why?

Now, that's a very good question,

and it's a hard one to answer.

Maybe it's because wives are
economical.

Well.

Look, Lucy saves me a lot of money on
food.

That's right, I do.

You know, serving leftovers.

Leftovers?

Yes, she's great at serving
leftovers.

But the strange thing is, I never had
any of the meals

that the leftovers were left over
from.

Ricky!

And yet, I would get married all over
again.

I don't know why.

Maybe it's the mystery of it all.

The mystery?

Yeah.

You know, Sam, you would think

that you would know what your wife
looks like

when you married her, right?

Well, of course, you would.

You got a big surprise coming to you,
my boy.

They have a whole other face

underneath the face you married.

And it must be awful

because they never let you see it.

You know, when they go to bed at
night?

Yeah.

They cover it all up with cold cream,

and then they get their chins
strapped in a hammock.

They wear blinkers over their eyes.

And in the mornings...

ay-ay-ay, in the mornings...

They come staggering out of bed

with wire cages in their hair, grease
in their face,

and then they proceed to the kitchen

where they squeeze you a glassful of
seeds

with a little bit of orange juice in
it.

They throw some raw bacon and eggs at
you

with some b*rned toast

and they give you a cup of coffee

that tastes just like mud.

Well, I'm very happy to find out how
you really feel.

Hi!
Hi.

Oh, no.

Lover and I thought we'd come up

and find out how you were doing.

We can't stay very long

'cause you know how honeybunch and I
love to be alone.

Married years and still mad about
each other.

Oh, shut up.

It's too late, Ethel.

Lucy!

Don't you talk to me, you... you
husband.

Honey, I said I would marry you all
over again!

Well, I wouldn't marry you again!

You had it coming to you.

RICKY: I told you not to butt in
other people's business!

(door slams)

(chuckling nervously)

Oh, dear.

Let's go.

Come on.

(shouting): Come on!

(shouting): All right!

(door slams)

I wonder what went wrong.

I don't know, but stop leaning on me.

You weigh a ton!

Lucy, how about my breakfast?

There's your orange juice.

Oh, I left a few seeds in it as
usual.

(rhythmic scraping)

I burn an awful lot of toast,

but I'm developing quite a b*at.

Here you are, my famous cup of mud.

Well, how do you like it?

Like what?

This is the distorted picture you
gave Sam last night.

Now, if you'd like to apologize

for all the nasty things you said,
I'd be very happy

to go ahead and fix your breakfast as
I usually do.

You just did.

Oh!

And I suppose I look like I usually
do, too, huh?

No, no, I wouldn't say that.

I think you look a little better.

Ricky Ricardo, you apologize!

Why should I apologize?

The only reason that I told Sam

the things I told him last night

is because you and Dorothy were
trying to hook him,

and I told you to stay out of his
affairs.

Well, for once, I decided not to do
what you told me.

For once?

You never do what I told you.

Then why don't you quit "tolding" me?

Ay, que barbaridad!

Porque tienes la cabeza mas dura de
ninguna mujer

que yo he conocido en toda la vida
entera!

Sticks and stones may break my bones,

but Spanish names won't hurt me.

Sometimes I wish I never left Cuba.

That makes two of us.

You take that back.

I won't take it back.

You take back what you said last
night.

I will not!

Now, are you going to fix my
breakfast or not?

I already did, remember?

All right, then I'll eat breakfast
downtown.

Good!

Hmm!

And you can have your lunch down
there, too.

All right!

And your dinner!

Okay!

You can stay down there, too!

Okay, I will! Ha!

Good-bye!

Well, I will as soon as I change.

(doorbell buzzes)

(doorbell buzzing insistently)

(yawning)

Lucy!

He isn't home yet, Ethel, and it's
: .

He wasn't home at : and he wasn't
home at : either.

Are you gonna come over every hour

just to announce that he isn't home
yet?

Well, he isn't.

Leave the door open, will you?

I want to hear the baby.

Listen, Lucy, didn't you tell me

that when you had your fight,

you told him to go away and stay
away?

Yes, I did, but I didn't think he'd
do it.

Oh, well, now, that makes sense.

Gee, Ethel, well, what if he isn't
ever coming home?

Well, what... what if something's
happened to him?

Oh, now, Lucy, you've got to stop
worrying.

You're getting yourself all upset.

I can't help it.

Put yourself in my place.

If Fred was gone and was never coming
home,

what would you be doing?

Celebrating.

You would not.

It isn't until they're gone that you
really appreciate them.

Oh, Ethel, I love him so.

Lucy, don't cry.

Hey, hey...

What in Sam Hill's

all the commotion about?

Oh, Ricky still isn't home

and Lucy's all upset.

He isn't ever coming home, and it's
my fault.

Oh, now, honey, he's coming home.

I'm, I'm sure he's all right.

Sure, you'll probably find him

down at the police station, wearing a
cop's hat

and eating an ice-cream cone.

Oh, dear, if I, if I knew where he
was,

I'd call him up, and I'd beg him to
come home.

Did you call the club?

Yes. He left two hours ago.

Oh, suppose we wait a couple of weeks

and notify Ellery Queen.

Now, Fred, this is serious.

I just don't happen to think that it
is serious.

Now, listen, Lucy, I know Ricky
pretty well

and I just don't believe

he's really gonna leave you.

Then where is he?

He's doing what any other husbands

are doing under the same
circumstances.

He's just staying away long enough

to give you a good scare.

Do you really think so?

Sure, he's getting you good and
worried

so you'll be so glad to see him,

you'll forget you're mad at him.

Well, if that's what he's doing,

then I just won't be there when he
gets home!

What?!

Two can play at this game.

I'll just give him a good scare.

Well, why don't you go home and give
it to him.

No, I'm not going home; I'm going to
stay right here.

What about the baby?

You go over and keep an eye on him,
will you, Ethel?

No.
Please?

No.

But, Ethel, I can't just be over
there,

standing there, waiting for him when
he comes in.

Please.
Absolutely not!

Now, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

I'll go and stay with little Ricky.

It's about the only way

I'll ever get a night's sleep.

Okay, thanks, Fred.

Okay.

(door shuts)

Ethel...

Ethel, what if Fred isn't right?

What if Ricky really isn't ever gonna
come home?

What if...?

What if you keep quiet and let me get
some sleep?

All right.

Ethel! Ethel!

(yawning)

Ethel, he's home.

I just saw him come down the hall,

and he brought me candy and flowers.

Good.

Lucy?

Lucy, I'm home.

Sweetheart...

I guess I owe you an apology.

I shouldn't have said all of those

awful things that I said.

I was in a bad humor

and I just blew my top, that's all.

But darling, you know I love being
married to you, honey.

You are the dearest, sweetest,

most wonderful person in the whole
world.

You know, I wasn't gonna come home
tonight

just to teach you a lesson,

and then I got to walking around

and I...
I started thinking

of all the wonderful times

that we had together

and how much we meant to each other
and...

Well... I brought you some flowers
and some candy.

Honey, I-I won't blame you

if you never spoke to me again,
but...

sweetheart, please say you forgive
me, darling.

(falsetto): I forgive you, darling.

(howling with laughter)

RICKY: What are you doing here?

Oh, honey, you should have heard
yourself

saying all those things to Fred.

Fred, how did you keep from laughing?

It wasn't easy.

(laughing)

Well, I'm real happy

I gave you all such a good laugh.

Oh, honey, don't be mad.

Who's mad?!
I'm not mad!

Who's going to get mad?

I'm not mad at all!

Oh, honey, we're sorry.

ETHEL: We're all sorry, Ricky.

Oh, Rick... Ricky, where are you
going?

Out! And this time, I'm not gonna
come back!

But, honey, how about all those
things you said?

You said you loved me

and all the wonderful times we had
and everything.

I take them all back!

Oh, Ricky...

Out of my way, please.

Listen, Ricky, Ricky,

I won't mess in any more romances.

I'll mess out, I promise.

Out of my way, please.

(doorbell buzzes)
Please?

Oh, now what?

We must be making too much noise.

Telegram.

Oh.

Who's it from?
Yeah.

What's it say?
Oh, no.

Oh, honey...

"We figured if you two characters

"could put up with each other for
years

"there must be something to this
marriage business,

"so we are giving it a try.
Thanks a lot.

Dorothy and Sam."

Aw, honey.

(laughing)

Oh, baby!

Ha, ha, Rick!

Here.

Oh, thank you!

Here.

Oh, thank you!

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

ANNOUNCER: I Love Lucy is a Desilu
Production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.