06x01 - Lucy and Bob Hope

[bunniefuu]

"Lucy and Bob Hope"

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(theme song ending)

Come on now, Little Ricky,

let me see you swing that bat.

Attaboy! Ha-ha!

You're gonna be another Mickey
Mantle.

Uncle Fred, who's Mickey Mantle?

Who's Mickey Mantle?

Why, he's the guy

they got to replace Joe DiMaggio.

Who's Joe Maggio?

"Who's Joe Maggio?"

You talk more like your father every
day.

It's Joe DiMaggio.

And he's one of the greatest Yankees
of all time.

Come on now, let me see you take
another swipe

at that old apple.

Boffo!

Right out of the park. Attaboy.

Hi, Daddy.

Hey! Hi!
Hi, Rick.

Say, what's going on, partner?

I'm swiping apples.

You're swiping apples?

He means he's taking a swipe at the
old apple.

Oh. Well, let me see you do it. Go
on.

Show him. Show your dad. At 'em!

Hey!

He's gonna be another Joe Maggio.

Yes, sir.

I'm treating the two girls and Little
Ricky

to the ball game this afternoon at
Yankee Stadium.

Well, that's very generous of you,
Uncle Fred.

Well, it's nothing, Rick.
I'm glad to do it.

Today is Ladies' Day, Daddy.

Oh, it's Ladies' Day.

Uh-huh.

Ladies and little boys get in free.

"Ladies and little boys get in free."

Yeah. He's just like his mother.

with Uncle Fred, you'd better go take
a nap, huh?

Okay, Daddy.

You go to sleep now, son.

Good-bye.

Ain't he a dandy?

How about that kid, huh?

He's a dandy.

Listen, did the girls come back from
shopping yet?

No, not yet.

And I'm getting hives

at the thought of Ethel running loose
in a department store

with a loaded charge-a-plate.

Well, listen, Fred,

you can't expect the girls to go to
the opening

of a new nightclub in an old dress.

Ah, well, it's all your fault, too.

If you hadn't bought a piece of the
Tropicana,

I wouldn't be buying a piece of Saks
Fifth Avenue.

Listen, you won't recognize the old
Tropicana.

Boy, it's all changed.

It's brand-new furniture, brand-new
paint job

new bandstand, new uniforms...

We even changed the name.

We call it Club Babalu.

Club Babalu?

Yeah.
Hey, I like that.

And wait till you hear who I got

for the opening night.

Who?

Bob Hope.

Bob Hope!

Yeah. Bob Hope.

His agent Jimmy Safield

just called me and said, "It's all
set."

Well, that's terrific.

Yeah, there's only one thing, though.

I made a slip the other day

and Lucy knows that I was trying

to get Bob Hope for the opening, you
know.

How could you pull a boner like that?

You know how she acts in front of
celebrities.

I know, but I was talking on the
telephone

and I didn't know that she was in the
apartment,

but she doesn't need to know it's all
set

and that Bob is going to do it.
Understand?

Mm-hmm.

So not a word in front of Lucy

and not a word in front of Ethel

and not a word in front of Little
Ricky.

Now we got him to worry about.

Yeah, fine way to live-- surrounded
by blabbermouths.

(chuckles)

Hi.

Hiya, honey, what you do?

Buy half of the store?

Well, not quite.

Fred, you'd better go give Ethel a
hand.

She can't get up the stairs.

She's got so many packages.

Oh, good night, nurse.

If I ever find where she hides that
charge-a-plate,

I'll pound the letters down.

Fred.

Where is the baby, honey?

He just went in to take a nap.

Oh, good. Any news about the opening?

News?

Yeah, about the guest star.

Did you get hold of Bob Hope?

Bob Hope?

Yeah. Did he call you?

Uh... no.

No, Bob Hope didn't call. No.

Well, he certainly knows

that you were waiting to hear from
him.

He knows the opening is tomorrow
night.

Yeah, well, you know, that's show
business.

Well, I can't understand why he
didn't even call you,

for heaven's sake.

(gasps): Oh, my goodness!

Oh, I just had a horrible thought.

What?

Ricky, you don't suppose...?

Oh, I know it's a wild idea,

but you don't suppose that Bob Hope
heard about me,

and that's the reason he hasn't
called you, do you?

About you?

Yeah. You know,

those exaggerated reports

about what happens to a celebrity

when they meet up with me.

(chuckles)

No.

No, as bad as you are, I don't
think...

By George,

I hate to say this, but you may be
right.

Oh, no!

Yeah, I think you hit it right on top
of the head.

I think that-that Bob is afraid even
to come near you.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Well...

Oh, I just feel awful.

Well, that's all right, honey.

Oh, this is terrible!

Honey, you're married to a jinx!

Now, now, now, honey...

Yes, you are.

ANNOUNCER: Here are the lineups and
batting orders

for today's game:

For Cleveland, batting first

and playing right field, Al Smith...

Gee, a baseball game is fun.

Kind of wish I knew what it was all
about.

k*ll the umpire!

Stop, Ethel! Stop!

Well, that's what you always say.

Game hasn't even started.

Oh.

Oh, Lucy, come on, cheer up.

There could be a million reasons why
Bob Hope

hasn't called Ricky.

No, there aren't.

He's heard that every time

I come near a celebrity, there's
trouble.

It happened in Hollywood.
It happened in Europe.

I'm a scourge of two continents.

Oh, now, honey, that's the silliest
thing I ever heard of.

Oh, come on, perk up.

Red hots!

Get your red hots!

Get 'em while they're hot!

Fred, Fred, I'm hungry.
Get me a hot dog.

Did you come out here to watch a ball
game

or to stuff your face?

That guy down there is eating.

He's not eating.

He's a pitcher.

He's chewing tobacco.

A lot of ball players chew tobacco.

Well, whatever it is, it sure looks
good.

Come on, go get me a hot dog.

That man won't be back here for
hours.

Oh... all right.

Can I have one, Uncle Fred?

Okay, Little Rick.
Okay.

Well, as long as you're up,

you might as well bring me one, too,
Fred.

I came out here to watch a ball game

and I wind up as a short-order cook.

Fred, come on...

Can I have your autograph, Mr. Hope?

Well, I don't know.

You seen my latest picture, The Iron
Petticoat?

Yes, sir!

You watch my television show?

Oh, yes, sir.

You root for Cleveland?

I own a piece of the team, you know.

Yes, sir.

Well, now that you've been

properly brainwashed...

There you are, you lucky boy.

How are you?

How's it going, all right?

Listen, Ethel, you keep an eye

on Little Ricky for a minute, will
you?

What are you gonna do?

I'm gonna talk to Bob Hope.

Oh, no, you're not.
No, no, you're not.

Now, listen, now, listen, Ethel,

I'm just gonna explain to him

that I'm not really a jinx

and I'm gonna promise to stay away
from him.

and maybe he'll do Ricky's show.

ETHEL: Oh, Lucy.

May I see your ticket, please?

I just want to talk to Bob Hope.

You and everyone else in the Yankee
Stadium.

I'm sorry.

But this is important.

I've got to see him.

So see him.

Look from here.

You don't understand.

I'm Ricky Ricardo's wife.

Well, that's keen.

I'm Phoebe Krausfeld's husband, and
it's still no dice.

Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs!

Get 'em while they're hot!

Hot dogs!

Hot dog man.

How many, lady?

Um, I think you and I better have a
little talk.

Paul... Paul, the uniforms are not
here yet. They're...

What are they doing to the floor?!

What's the matter with the floor?!

Calm down, Rick.

It will be finished today.

And by tomorrow night, it will be all
set in and dry.

Now don't panic!

It's my opening. If I want to panic,
I'll panic.

Oh, say, Rick, before I forget,

Jimmy Safield called.

Bob Hope's out at the ball game.

He wants you to come out there and
look over

the material for the opening.

Now, there's a ticket for you

at the box office at Yankee Stadium.

Now go on, go on.
Please go.

I got a lot of things to do around
here.

Are you sure that floor is gonna get
in all right?

It'll be fine.

Now just take it easy.

Just go to the ball game.
Enjoy yourself.

Yankee Stadium.

Yankee stadium!

, people are there.

They couldn't possibly meet.

What are you talking about?

Oh, uh, no. I'll, I'll see...

Excuse me.

Red hots!

Get your red hots! Red hots!

Get your red hots!

Get your red hots!

Get your red hots!

Sonny, I'd like a hot dog.

Red hots! Get your red hots!

Red hots!

Get it right here!

Red hots! Get 'em while they're hot!

Oh, Mr. Hope.

No, thanks, kid.

Well, Mr. Hope...

Uh, right. Mr. Hope...

Mr. Hope, I'd like to talk to you for
a minute.

Look, I told you I don't want a hot
dog.

But Mr. Hope,

if I could just talk to you for a
second.

Look, you don't get my message.

I don't want a hot dog.

Look upon me as a vegetarian,

will you, please?

Please, please, Mr. Hope...

Will you get this thing out of here?

The steam is taking the curl out of
my nose.

Will you get out of here?

Please, Mr. Hope.

Mr. Hope, it'll only take a minute.

You see, I don't really sell hot
dogs.

No? What are you doing with this
thing?

Hatching chickens?

Oh, no. No, no...

(crowd roaring)

Red hots! Get your red hots!

Hey, hey! Here, I'll take one.

Oh, all right.

Would you pass this, Mr. Hope,
please?

The gentleman right over there.

I want to talk to you when I get a
chance.

Would you pass this over there,
please?

Thank you very much.

What I have to talk to you about

is very important, Mr. Hope.

Would you give him the change,
please?

There you are, sir.

Hey, I'll have one, too.

Oh, uh, yes, ma'am.

Yes, ma'am.
Here, Mr. Hope,

would you pass that, please?

MAN: Hey, you forgot my relish.

Oh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm sorry.

There you are, sir.
Thank you.

Would you pass this over, please?

All of a sudden, I feel like UNIVAC.

Oh, Mr. Hope, have you got change for
a five?

Five?
Hey, can I have some mustard?

Yes. I'm sorry.

MAN: Could I have some mustard, too?

I got change for a five.

I could shave you,

but I got a little action going here.

Mustard. A little mustard right
there, please.

This is mine.

Okay. Here you are.

Ma'am wants a little mustard.

Right.

(crowd roaring)

There you are. Fine.

I've...

Will you put a bun around this
finger?

It looks delicious.

Oh, Mr. Hope, I'm sorry.

Yeah, it's all right.

(crowd roaring)

What was that?
What was that?

Oh, nothing. Somebody just hit the
ball over the fence.

Oh, no. Al Rosen hits a home run

and I gotta miss it. Oh, no!

I'm sorry, Mr. Hope,

but if you can just let me talk to
you for just a minute.

I'm trying to watch the game.

Will you leave me...

(crowd roaring)

What is it?

Mr. Hope, please,

I have got to talk to you.

Yeah, but, honey...
This is important.

It's my tie.
This is very important.

I didn't come to the ball game

just to talk to you.

(crowd screaming)

Get your red hots!

Get your red hots!

Get your red hots right here!

Get your red hots!
Get your red hots!

This ought to help.

There.

Ooh.

Ah, that's what I've always wanted--

a quick-frozen beret.

Relax for five minutes and take it
easy

and then go back to see the game.

Mm-hmm.

Mr. Hope...
Yeah.

there's a Mr. Ricardo outside to see
you.

Fine. Send him in.

Thank you very much.

Hi, Bob. I heard about the foul ball.

Are you all right?

Yeah, they can't hurt me.

I used to be in vaudeville, you know.

(laughs)

I understand that a hot dog vendor

caused the whole thin'.

Pardon?

A hot dog vendor caused the whole
thin'.

You're trying to tell me something.

Oh, yeah! Yeah!
A hot dog vendor.

Yeah.
Yeah.

Some real weirdo kept saying

he wanted to talk to me-- yatata,
yatata, yatata.

A real weirdo that kept going yatata,
yatata, yatata?

Mm-hmm.

What did this, uh, hot dog vendor
look like?

Oh, tall, red hair.

Uh-oh.

Oh? What?

It could be my wife.

Are you married to a tall, redheaded
weirdo

that goes yatata, yatata, yatata?

Yes.

With a mustache?

Oh. Well, thank goodness, for once it
wasn't Lucy.

But if you ever bump into a tall,
red-haired weirdo

that goes yatata, yatata, yatata

and doesn't have a moustache,

run for your life.

That's Lucy.

Your wife really like that?

Yes.

You need this more than I do.

Listen, Bob,

I wanted to talk to you about

that, uh, opening for the club, you
know.

You got any ideas what we should do?

Yeah, I've been thinking it over

and I think we can do some real...

How's the game coming?

(deep voice): Oh, pretty good,

but the game isn't over

till the last man is out, you know.

(Lucy muttering)

Well, hello, Mr. Hope.

Well, good-bye, Mr. Hope.

Oh, uh, uh, sonny?

Who? Me?

Yeah, you. Come here.
I want to talk to you.

I don't remember seeing you with the
team before.

Uh, no. I'm a new one.

Well, back to the ol' ball game.

Yeah, oh...

Wait a minute.

Say, you must be that new rookie

we brought up from our farm in
Indianapolis.

Uh, yep.

Well, how are things down on the
farm?

Well, farm, uh...

Pigs are all right, but the cow d*ed.

Well, back to the ol' ball game.

Wait!

I understand you have quite a
throwing arm.

I'd like to see your pitching motion.

Um, all righty.

What do you pitch?
Bonbons?

Well, uh, I could pitch much better

if I had a chaw of tobacco.

All us pitchers chew tobacco, you
know.

I'll go get some tobacco

and come back and pitch for you
later.

Hey, wait a minute, buddy.

Here. Here's some chewing tobacco
right here.

What's the matter?

Not my brand.

(laughing out loud)

Lucy, who you do think you're
foolin'?

Oh, you were great.

You were a million laughs.

Could I interest you in a stomach
pump?

Look. Would you please tell me what
you are doing?

Well, I was only trying

to get Mr. Hope to appear at the
club.

I'm sorry you got hit on the head

when I tried to sell you a hot dog.

Was that you, too?

RICKY: I told you. Yeah.

I didn't recognize you without your
moustache.

Yeah, well, now you'll never appear
at the club.

I'll be there.

You will?!
Yes.

I had the whole thin' straightened
out

with his agent this morning.

This morning?!

Yes.
Oh...

Now, look, Bob, we still haven't
decided what we're gonna do.

The opening is tomorrow night.

What do you think?

Well, I've got a special-material
number

about baseball for three people.

We'll need a couple...

I'll need a couple partners that can
sing and dance.

Well, I'm not exactly Gene Kelly,

but I'd love to do it.

Oh, that's great.

Who else can we get?

You stay out of this.

I didn't say anything.

You mean the Kiss of Death can sing
and dance?

Well, that is a matter of opinion.

Well, it's an easy little number.

She might be cute in it.

How can you say that after all she's
done to you?!

I figure if you can't lick 'em, join
'em.

Nothing doing.
We'll get somebody else.

I'll talk to you later.

(imitating Lucy): Well, back to the
ol' ball game.

(sobbing and wailing)

(sniffling)

(door closes)
I forgot my...

(sobbing)

Oh, what's wrong, Lucy?

Oh, nothing.

Aw, now, it can't be that bad.

What's the problem?

Well, I really did want to do that
act

with you, Mr. Hope.

All my life I've wanted to be in show
business,

and doing an act with you

would be the greatest thing that ever
happened to me.

Well, why don't you do it, then?

Because Ricky won't let me.

He says I'm a jinx.

Aw, no, now, come, come.

Ballplayers never cry.

I'm sorry I got mustard on you

and I'm sorry I made you get hit on
the head.

It's all right.
Anytime at all.

And I'm sorry I hit you on the back

and made you swallow your tobacco.

Oh, that's all right.

You got a lump on the head

and I got a lump in my stomach.

That's a funny joke.

It is?

Yeah.

Thank you.

You know, I sing and dance

even better than I tell jokes.

No!

Yes.

Then why doesn't Ricky let you go
into show business?

I don't know.

It's just professional jealousy, I
guess.

Oh, you poor thing.

(sniffling)

And you know, Mr. Hope, I'm only
trying to help him.

I'm only trying to be a good wife.
That's all.

I can sing and I can dance.

I can do a lot of things.

You have no idea how talented I am.

(sobbing)

May I?

Where'd you go?

I turn around and you were gone.

Don't speak to me, you Cuban heel.

Wha' happen'?

Wha' happen'?
I'll tell you wha' happen'.

This dear little girl wants to get
into our act

and you won't let her.

All her life she's tried to get into
show business

and you've held her back.

Yeah!

She's the best little...

best little wife any man ever had

and you don't appreciate her.

Yeah.

I think we ought to let her do the
act with us.

Yeah!

Nothing doing.

No? Well, let me put it this way:

If she doesn't do it, I don't do it.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Yeah!

(bright melodic fanfare playing)

(applause)

(fanfare ends)

(snare and pennywhistle imitating
flyball)

(drumroll)

(rimshot)

Safe!

You're out!

Foul ball!

(audience booing)

(jaunty intro plays)

Nobody loves the ump

He's the apple of nobody's eye

Nobody loves the ump

And I'll never know, never know why

Oh, they boo and they hiss and they
holler at me

Just because it's a ball and I call
it strike three

I'm not wearin' my glasses, so how
can I see?

Nobody loves

Nobody loves

Nobody loves the ump

If I call it a ball, then they call
me a slob

If I call it a strike, then they call
out the mob

If called off the game, I'd be out of
a

(sour note): Job

(straining): Job...

Job... job...

You've got a lifetime job looking for
that note.

Nobody loves

Nobody loves

Nobody loves the ump

The very first inning, the fans all
commence

They belt me with bottles

I take no offense

'Cause each one they throw, I return
for two cents

Nobody loves

Nobody loves

Nobody loves the ump

(strained, high-pitched voice): The
poor old ump

And that's without a lesson.

(gentle melody begins)

Oh, if Marge sees this, Gower's
finished.

(song ends)

(applause)

(conga drum playing)

Hey!

(band playing calypso)

Hey!

Hey!

(song ends)
Ole!

(applause)

That'll set Cuba back a hundred
years.

(mellow music begins)

What's the matter?

My spiked shoes are caught in the
floor.

Spiked shoes?

Ay-ay-ay.

Well, come on, fellas.

Give me a couple of yanks.

Yanks?
You have to say that word?

Oh, come on.
The legs.

Oh, the legs.

(cowbells ringing)

(temple blocks thumping)

(drumroll)

(yelling)

Hey, hey!

Hey, hey!

Nobody loves the ump

He's the apple of nobody's eye

I'll never know, never know why

Oh, nobody loves

Nobody loves

Nobody loves the ump

The ump

Nobody loves the ump

You're out!

(gentle intro plays)

Hey, thanks for the memory

Of being here with you

At your Club Babalu

Thank you.

And through it all

I had a ball in spite of you-know-who

How lovely it was

I know what you mean.

Gracias por el recuerdo

Acepta, por favor

He's trying to tell us something.

Nuestro amor

I know I'm dumb, but translate, chum

In English, please, senor

I said, "How lovely it was."

Why didn't he say so?

Oh, he's a showoff.

You made such a wonderful ump.

I'm afraid that I danced like a chump

Well, that's all right.

And I'm sorry I gave you that lump

Well, I don't care

It might grow hair

(laughing)
(laughing)

We thank you We thank you

So much. So much.

Hey, I may never go back to NBC.

(laughter)

(audience applauding as orchestra
plays show theme)

(laughter)

ANNOUNCER: Next week, Lilt with new
Squeeze-Bottle Magic

will bring you "I Love Lucy."

"I Love Lucy"

starring Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

has been presented for your pleasure

by Instant Sanka,

the hardy coffee you can drink as
strong as you like,

it still can't affect your nerves.

("I Love Lucy" theme song continues)

ANNOUNCER: Special lyrics for
tonight's show

were written by Larry Orenstein.

Music was by Eliot Daniel

and Jack Baker did the choreography.

Our guest star, of course, was Bob
Hope.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.