06x03 - Lucy Meets Orson Welles

[bunniefuu]

"Lucy Meets Orson Welles"

("I Love Lucy" theme song playing)

(theme song ending)

Come on, honey.

Oh, boy!

It sure was freezing out, wasn't it?

It's nice and warm in here, I'm glad.

Mommy.
What?

Why do we have to come in?

Because you were cold, honey.

No, I wasn't.

Yes, you were now.

Hi.
Hi, honey.

I saw you come in.
Yeah.

Did you have fun in the park?

Yeah, but it was so cold!

There you are, baby.

(chuckling)

Ooh, I'm so cold!

Here, here's your apple, honey.

Go play with your train now.

ETHEL: So long.

Oh, Ethel, I'm so...
I'm just frozen.

Honestly, there's only one way

I'm ever gonna be able to stand this
New York winter.

How?

Spend it in Florida.

Well, winter is officially here.

We've had our first cold wave.

Fred's put on his red flannels, and
you've started your annual

"Let's Send Lucy To Florida"
campaign.

Well, I don't see any reason

why we couldn't spend just a few
weeks in Florida.

Don't talk to me, talk to Ricky.

I'm going to, but it won't do any
good.

He'll have a million excuses:

It's too far, it's too expensive,

and he can't get away.

Those are three of the worst excuses

I ever heard in my whole life.

It's just ridiculous leaving us

But does he ever think of us?

No! He just thinks of himself.

Hi.

Hi, honey.

Don't "honey" me, you selfish beast.

And so, once again,

it's time to play that well-known
parlor game,

"Kick The Cuban."

Good luck, amigo.

Whatsa matter with everybody?

Why can't we go to Florida?

Well, first of all, there's a lot...

Who said anything about Florida?

I did, but we can't go because

it's too far, it's too expensive,

and you can't get away.

I didn't say a word!

Well, can we go?

No!

Why not?

Because it's too far, it's too
expensive, and I can't get away.

Oh! Everybody goes to Florida for the
winter.

Even the birds go south.

All right, I'll make you a deal:

If you can get there the same way the
birds do, you can go.

Now, Ricky, listen...

Look, Florida is out of the question,

so don't nag me.

LITTLE RICKY: Mommy!

Coming, dear.
Don't go away.

I've got a lot of nag I haven't even
used yet.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Rick.

This is Paul.

Oh, yeah, hi, Paul.

Say, I've got great news for you.

I just spoke to Orson Welles' agent.

He's all set to do the benefit.

PAUL: He'll meet you here this
afternoon for rehearsal.

Oh, that's just wonderful!

Listen, is he gonna do the same act
that he did in Las Vegas?

Yeah, some Shakespeare, and, of
course, his magic routine.

Oh, that is just great.

What time am I supposed to meet him?

: here at the club.

He's tied up autographing record
albums

at some department store until then.

Okay, I'll be there.

Oh, by the way, Orson needs an
assistant for his magic act,

so I suggested Lucy to him.

You did?

Yes.

You are fired!

Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.
You don't have to blow your top!

It's only a benefit.

Look, whenever Lucy gets into the
act, nobody benefits.

I'm, I'm sorry.

I'll get out of it.

Yeah, well, tell him that she's going
out of town.

Oh? Is she?

She is now.
She's going to Florida.

Oh. Well, okay, I'll tell him.

Okay. I'll see you later.

Sheesh!

And another thing:

You've always wanted Little Ricky to
know to swim.

If we went to Florida, he could take
swimming lessons.

I agree with you.

Yeah, that's right.
Don't listen to reason.

Just be pigheaded and stubborn and
keep us here all...

What did you say?

I said that you were absolutely
right.

Oh, honey!

Little Ricky and you should go to
Florida.

Do you really mean it?

Of course I do.

I have been a selfish beast.

Oh, no, you haven't, honey!

Ethel!

Fred! Come quick!

Oh, honey, you're the best husband in
the whole world!

Oh, thank you!

You and Little Ricky can leave right
away.

I'll come down as soon as I can.

Okay, honey.

What's the matter?

Guess what?
Guess what?

Ricky's sending me and the baby to
Florida.

Wonderful!

Isn't that great?

I'm going to tell the baby, honey.

Oh! Freddy...

you know, I'm commencing to feel this
cold weather myself.

Well, you won't have to worry about
the cold, honeybunch.

I won't?

Nope. Tomorrow I'll run out and buy
you

a brand-new hot water bottle.

(derisive laughter)

Oh, fine.

Ricky?

Yes, dear?

If I'm going to Florida,

I'm going to have to buy a lot of new
clothes.

You're right.

I am?

Yes. Here, honey.

Oh.

Buy anything that you want.

Oh!

What happened to him?

I don't know,

but let's get to the store before he
snaps out of it.

ETHEL: I'll get my hat.

LUCY: Well, I promised Little Ricky
I'd get him a beach ball.

They ought to have one in here.

See, those are volleyballs.

Oh, Ethel, look at this!

What is that?

Skin diving equipment.

Oh, just what you need.

You're right.
I'm going to Florida.

I'm going to skin dive.

Now, Lucy, don't you get into enough
trouble on dry land?

Oh, push-tush.

May I help you?

Yes. I'd like to see

some of the skin-diving equipment.

You know, I'd kind of like

to try some of it on and see how it
works.

Oh, well, this is our complete
skin-diving kit.

Just step this way, please.

Skin diving kit!

I'll wait out here for you.

This way.
All right, honey.

LUCY: Okay, thank you.

Oh, y'all just follow me into the
record department here.

Now, if you select your records here,
he'll be here any moment.

Oh, uh, pardon me, sir, but why is
this crowd gathering?

Oh, they're waiting for Mr. Orson
Welles.

Orson Welles!

Yes! He's going to autograph his new
Shakespearean album.

He'll be here any moment.

He'll be here?!
Right here?!
Yeah.

Just select one.

Here he comes!

ETHEL: Oh, well! Oh!

Oh, Mr. Welles, I really want to see
you.

Uh, Mr. Welles?

(stammering)

Lucy! Lucy, Orson Welles is here!

Come on. He won't stay long.

Come on.

Let us through.

Would you mind letting us through,
please?

Mr. Welles!

Mr. Welles!

My "Man From Mars" broadcast was
years ago.

What kept you?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Ethel, help me.

Let me help you.

I'm sorry, but you see, I'm going to
Florida.

Underwater all the way, I presume?

No, no, of course not.

Mr. Welles, Mr. Welles,

I've seen everything you've ever
done--

in movies, on the stage, in
television.

I think you're just marvelous.
Just marvelous.

Me, too.
I think so, too.
Thank you.

Mr. Welles, you won't believe this,

but I played Shakespeare in high
school.

I believe it.

Yes, sir. I-I played the lead in
Romeo and Juliet

in the senior play.

Did I ever tell you that?

times.

Oh. Oh, uh, uh, Mr. Welles,

Mr. Welles, my dramatic teacher said

that I was the best Juliet she'd ever
seen,

and she said that she wouldn't be a
bit surprised

if-if I ended up as...

LUCY AND ORSON: ...a star on the
Broadway stage.

Hmm, uh, you took curtain calls.

There wasn't a dry eye in the house.

You were in the audience!

Alas, no.

Well, then, how did you know?

Oh, every girl I ever meet has played
poor Juliet

to an audience that's practically
awash

with overactive tear ducts.

Well, I really was and they really
were.

Hmm.

If you don't believe me, ask Miss
Hanna.

Who's Miss Hanna?

Who's Miss Hanna?!

Just the greatest dramatic teacher

Jamestown High School ever had,
that's all.

Oh, I see. How many albums would you
like?

Well, I'd like one.

Just autograph it to Ethel Mertz,
please.

I'd take two, only we haven't got a
phonograph.

I'll take one.

And please autograph it to that great
Shakespearean actress,

Lucy Ricardo.

Lucy Ricardo?

Wh-Where have I heard that name
before?

Romeo and Juliet, Jamestown High
School.

You're Ricky Ricardo's wife!

Oh, you know him?

But of course! I'm doing that charity
benefit

at his nightclub.

You are?

Why, yes. I'm, I'm terribly sorry

you couldn't take me up on my offer.

Offer? What offer?!

Well, I wanted you to help me out in
the act.

But Ricky said you were going to
Florida.

Oh, he did, did he?

Yeah.
How do you like that?

How do you like that?

Oh...
That conniving Cuban!

No wonder he was so nice to you.

He just wanted to get you out of town
until Mr. Welles blew over.

How about that?

(stammering): Mr., Mr. Welles...

Mr. Welles, is the job still open?

Well, you're, you're going to
Florida.

Oh, I changed my mind.

I'd love to do the show for you.

Can I have the job, Mr. Welles? Can
I?

Can I? Can I?

Mrs. Ricardo, please, take your
flippers off me.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, but-but can I, can I have
the job?

Well, I'm sure you can...

you can handle it very nicely.

If you'd just come over to your
husband's nightclub

this afternoon, we can rehearse.

I'll be there, sir.
I'll be there.

Did you hear that?
I heard. I heard.

I got the job.
I got the job.

Oh, that's wonderful.
I'm going to do Shakespeare.

Good-bye, Mr. Welles.

"Farewell.

"Farewell.

Parting is such sweet sorrow."

So we'll just charge

these albums and send them out
tomorrow.

Hey!

Did you hear that voice?

Yes!

You are going to be on that show.

He's a wonderful pal.

Yes, that's right, operator.

Jamestown, New York, , please.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Miss Hanna?

Yes?

Miss Hanna, this is Lucy Ricardo.

Who?

Lucy Ricardo.

Lucy McGillicuddy.

Who?

Juliet.

Juliet McGillicuddy?

No, Miss Hanna.

Uh, uh, I played Juliet.

Herman Schlup was Romeo.

Herman Schlup.

Now, let me see.

Herman was so short, we had to lower
the balcony two feet.

Oh, of course!

Lucy McGillicuddy.

Well, how are you, little Lucy?

I'm fine, Miss Hanna.

Guess what?

I'm going to do Shakespeare with
Orson Welles!

What class was he in, dear?

No, Miss Hanna, the famous Orson
Welles.

Oh, that one.

Oh, how exciting!

Yes, isn't it?

We're appearing at my husband's
nightclub

this Friday night here in New York,

and I thought maybe you could come up
and watch me perform.

Friday?

Yes.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear,

but it's the drama class's opening
night

of The Caine Mutiny Court-Martial.

One of the boys is sick,

and I may have to play Captain Queeg.

Oh. Well, I'm sorry, Miss Hanna.

Well, may I send you the notices?

Oh, would you, my dear?

Thank you so much.

And good luck, Lucy.

And remember, project.

(loudly): Play to the balcony!

Oh, I will, Miss Hanna.

Good-bye.

I mean...

(loudly): Good-bye, Miss Hanna.

"Dost thou love me?

"I know thou wilt say 'aye.'

"Aye?

Aye!"

Is Ricky home?

No, not yet.

I thought I heard someone saying
"ay-ay-ay."

That was me.

I'm practicing playing to the
balcony.

Oh. I heard all that yelling,

and I thought you two were having a
fight.

Well, stick around, girl.

I'm gonna tell him just what I think

of his little scheme of shipping me
out of town.

Hi, honey.
Hi.

Hi, Ethel.

Well, did you find some nice clothes
for Florida?

Yes, I found a lot of cute things at
Macy's.

Good. After all,

I want my wife to be well dressed.

Guess what else I found at Macy's?

What?

Orson Welles,

and we had a very interesting little
chat.

Bye.

Where do you think you're going?

From the look in your eyes, back to
Cuba.

You come right back here.

What a cheap chiseling trick

trying to bundle me off to Florida

just to keep me from playing
Shakespeare with Orson Welles!

What are you talking about,
"Shakespeare"?

All he wanted you to do was help in
his magician act.

He did not want me to help in his
magician act!

He did, too.

He just wanted you to hand him things

while he performs.

I don't believe you.

It's true!

Uh... as a matter of fact, that's why
I turned him down.

I was only thinking of you.

How do you figure?

Well, it was, eh...
such a nothing part

that, uh, I wanted to save you the
embarrassment

of having to turn him down.

Now you understand?

Well, when you put it that way, yes.

I understand.

Ah, now, I knew you would.

Thank you for protecting me.

I will always do that.

I'll talk to you when I come back
from the club.

All right, honey.

I just stopped by to pick my
briefcase.

Okay.
Good-bye.

Good-bye, Rick.

Good-bye, dear.

What a sweetheart.

What a phony.

What do you mean?

You didn't believe all that hokum,
did you?

That's just another one of his
tricks.

Lucy, are you sure?

Sure, I'm sure.

Would he send me all the way to
Florida

just to keep me from handing Orson
Welles

a hat full of rabbits?

No. What a phony!

It's Shakespeare all right.

Ethel, will you cue me?

I want to go over my lines again.

Sure, I will.

Gee, I just want to be letter-perfect

when I go to rehearsal.

Who knows? With Orson Welles playing
opposite me,

I might even top my performance at
Jamestown High School.

Listen, I like some of these
pictures.

They're very good.

This is good.
Mm-hmm.

I don't like this one.
It's too much teeth.

ORSON WELLES: All right...

put all those rabbits in the cloak
room

and I'll be, uh...

Hi, Orson.

Hello, Ricky.

Glad to see you.

Listen, it's just wonderful of you to
do this benefit for us.

Oh, it's my pleasure.

I saw your act in Las Vegas Really?

and I thought you were just great.

Thanks.

Oh, uh, incidentally, uh,

Lucy won't be able to be your
assistant after all.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I saw her in Macy's,

and she told me that she'd love to do
it.

Yeah, I know, but she changed her
mind.

Would you sit down?
I'll get you some coffee.

Sure, sure.

I guess, uh, you'll just have

to find somebody else to saw in half.

Oh, I don't saw anybody in half
anymore.

I do the, uh, levitation trick.

The what?

The levitation.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, uh, she can't do that, whatever
it is.

Well, that's where

I raise somebody off the ground, you
know.

Uh-huh. Well, uh,

Lucy's two feet off the ground always
anyway,

but she can't do it.

Well, I'm sorry.

Better safe than sorry.

Why?

Well, it just seems that every time

that Lucy gets close to famous
people,

something happens to them.

You mean she really did

all those things in Europe and
Hollywood?

Every one of them.

And they call me a character.

Well, I could tell you stories

about this girl that you wouldn't
believe.

Like one time...

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art
thou, Romeo?

"Deny thy father and refuse thy name
or...

"if thou wilt not be but sworn, my
love,

and I'll no longer be...
a Capulet."

What do you think, Mr. Welles?

Uh, well...

tha... that had its moments.

There was a... a certain

indefinable something about it.

What about it, Ricky?

Lucy, I thought I told you

that Mr. Welles wanted you for his
assistant

in his magic act.

You don't think I fell for that, do
you?

No, but it's true.
I really do.

Oh, Mr. Welles, I promised my
dramatic teacher

that I was going to do Shakespeare
with you.

I even promised I'd send her the
notices.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry.

Lucy, can't you see that

Mr. Welles does not want to do
Shakespeare with you?

You keep out of this!

Mr. Welles, won't you at least read a
scene with me?

It's been my lifelong ambition to do
Shakespeare with you,

Mr. Welles.
Lucy.

I think you're the greatest

Shakespearean actor in the whole
world.

I think You're better than John
Gielgud.

I think you're better than...
than Maurice Evans.

I think you're better than...
than Sir Ralph Richardson.

You left out Laurence Olivier.

Well, I think you're better than he
is, too.

You really think so?

Yes, I do, Mr. Welles.

I really do.
Please do Shakespeare with me.

Just read a scene with me now

so that I can tell my grandchildren

about it someday.

Please, Mr. Welles.

"What man art thou

"that thus bescreened in night,

so stumblest on my counsel."

Lucy, can't you see that Mr. Welles

does not want to do Shakespeare with
you?

You keep out of this.

"By a name, dear heart,

"I know not how to tell you how I am.

"My name is hateful to myself.

Had I it written, I would tear the
words."

"Had I it written, I would tear the
words."

That's the cue.

"I..."

"Had I it written, I would..."

I know, I guess I'm a little nervous

at last playing with the great Orson
Welles.

Oh, why don't we do my favorite
scene?

What's that?
"For fear of that I still

"will stay with thee

and never from this palace of dim
night depart again."

Oh, that one.

Well, I'm already dead in that scene.

Yes, yes.

"Here, here will I set up my
everlasting rest..."

But Mr. Welles, you just have the
soliloquy in that one.

"...and shake the yoke of
inauspicious stars

I don't have it.
"from this world-wearied flesh.

"Eyes, look your last.

I...
"Arms, take your last embrace.

"And lips, o you the doors of breath

"seal with a righteous kiss,

"a dateless bargain to engrossing
death.

"Come, bitter conduct.

"Come, unsavory guide.

"Thou desperate pilot

"run at once thy seasick weary
barque.

"Here's to my love.

"O, true apothecary, thy dr*gs are
quick.

"Thus with a kiss, I die."

Boy, you're sure a lot better than
Herman Schlup!

Thank you.

You're just wonderful.

Mr. Welles, are you sure you won't
change your mind

and-and let me do just a little
Shakespeare

in your act with you?

Well, you see, The way the act is
built...

I know, I'm a lot better

when I'm not nervous, Mr. Welles.

The way it's arranged,

we just do the soliloquies, you
understand?

But my offer still stands

for you to do the assistant in the
magic act.

Well, I don't know.

Well, take it or leave it.

I'll take it.

Good. All right, Ricky, come on.

Let me show you...

Oh, honey, aren't you excited?

This is gonna be your big night.

Yeah, what a comedown--

from a Shakespearean actress to a
magician's stooge.

What are you complaining about?

I turned out to be the stooge's
hairdresser.

(knock at door)

Come in.

Miss Hanna!

Lucy McGillicuddy!

Oh, Miss Hanna, what a surprise!

Oh, this is Miss Hanna,

my high school dramatic teacher.

Miss Hanna, Mrs. Mertz.

How do you do?

Lucy's told me all about you.

Oh, she has?
Oh, little Lucy.

Oh, Miss Hanna, won't you sit down?

Mi-Miss Hanna, what happened

to Caine Mutiny Court-Martial?

Well, we postponed it

until Captain Queeg gets over the
chicken pox.

Oh. Well, Miss Hanna...

So I brought the rest of the cast
with me.

You did?

Oh, imagine, you and Orson Welles.

Oh, I'm sure it'll be an evening of
sheer magic.

You can say that again.

Miss... Miss Hanna, about this
evening...

My dear, I've been teaching drama for
years,

and this is the proudest night of my
life.

It is?

Oh, just to hear you do

that balcony scene with Orson Welles

will make my entire teaching career
worthwhile.

Miss Hanna, I have something to tell
you.

I...
Yes, Juliet?

I'll see you after the show, Miss
Hanna.

All right, my dear.

And remember what I told you:

project.
Yes.

Tr-r-r-rippingly on the tongue.

Oh, Lucy, you should've told her.

She's in for an awful letdown.

No, she isn't.

What do you mean by that?

I am not going to disappoint Miss
Hanna.

Somehow, someway, I'm going to do
Shakespeare.

(applause)
And now...

enough of Shakespeare.

We'll try to entertain you now

with a few feats of magic,
legerdemain, hanky-panky

and sidearm snookery.

From the mysterious East...

(courtly Oriental music plays)

(gong clangs)

(audience applauds)

(cymbals playing softly)

The inscrutable...

the inimitable...

the mysterious...

Princess Lu-Si.

(courtly Oriental music resumes)

Professor...

(music stops)

(gong clangs)

(music resumes)

(applause)

(drumroll on cymbals)

(applause)

Ladies and gentlemen,

please.

I must beg you not to make the
slightest sound

'cause the princess is in a state of
trance.

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

Bravo, bravo!

"Deny thy father...

(clears throat)

...refuse thy name..."

Apparently the princess

is not, uh, in a deep enough
condition of trance.

Now the princess...

will feel nothing...

and definitely speak nothing.

"Oh, Romeo, Romeo,

wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

It just happens that I have

a pack of playing cards in my hand.

LUCY: "...and refuse thy name...

or if thou wilt not..."

Perhaps somebody...

"Romeo, wherefore art thou, Romeo?"

Romeo?

Romeo, get me down from here.

Romeo!

(applause)

(closing orchestral flourish playing)

ANNOUNCER: "I Love Lucy"

starring Lucille Ball

and Desi Arnaz

has been presented for your pleasure

by Instant Sanka,

the hardy coffee you can drink as
strong as you like,

it still can't affect your nerves.

("I Love Lucy" theme song continues)

ANNOUNCER: The role of Miss Hanna was
played by Ellen Corby.

Orson Welles portrayed himself.

"I Love Lucy" is a Desilu production.

Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz

will be back next week at this same
time.