02x01 - Kidnapped

[bunniefuu]

NO!

BIRD CAWS

NO!

I know you're a vampire. And you know I'm a slayer.

Robin!

Prepare to die!

HE GASPS

I slayed a vampire!

HE LAUGHS

Run!

Don't go now...

The party's just getting started!

- We'll meet again...
- Can't wait.

HE PANTS

Morning, Vladdy!

Hurry up and get dressed! We've got slayers to fight!

Did you enjoy the remainder of the Hunt Ball, Master Vlad?

Oh, yeah, I had a blast.

The music, the dancing,

the attempted slaying of my father.

Did Mr Grouchy get out the wrong side of the bed?

I know what'll cheer you up...

a nice bit of Bubble and Squeak.

MOUSE SQUEAKS

HE CACKLES

He wants a man, not a mouse!

He wants to feast on the blood of our enemy! Don't you, Vlad?

Actually, I was thinking more cornflakes.

Look Dad, about Mr Van Helsing, we need to talk.

I can't believe you let a slayer slip through your fangs.

- For once, I agree with Mistress Ingrid.

- You wouldn't have done that years ago.

SILENCE! I let him go deliberately - I prefer to

catch my prey in the wild. If only you were and had

your full vampire powers, you could fly along with me.

- I'm gutted.
- So will Van Helsing be when Master's finished with him.

HE CACKLES

Take me with you. I'm nearly , I'll be a vampire way before him.

Get help from a girl?

WE are the men of the house, and WE can fight our own battles.

- While I stay home cooking and cleaning?
- Excellent!

- Renfield, you're fired.
- Eat garlic!
- Renfield keep up the good work.

- Oh, thank you Master.
- Maybe years ago, you could

bite your neighbours and battle with slayers but not now, not here.

This is Stokely, they have... zebra crossings!

So unless you want us to get chased out of town, again,

- I suggest we make friends with the slayers.
- Friends?!

Vampires and slayers can never be friends.

- We're opposites, we're sun and moon, life and death, stake and...
- Chips?

Anyone? Huh?

Van Helsing dies tonight.

It says here... "A vampire cannot enter a dwelling

"without first being invited in". So why all the extra security?

I thought it might be a good idea now the Count is trying to k*ll us!

We shouldn't wait to be bitten.

We should launch a surprise att*ck on the castle, tonight!

I thought you said slaying was so boring it made gardening look fun.

Yeah well that's when I thought you were...crazy.

- Sorry.
- That's OK, son.

When my Dad told me he was a vampire slayer, I laughed in his face.

- Then he made me wash my mouth out with garlic water.
- Oh, nice.

But he taught me the first rule of slaying...

protect your family so I'm sending you to live with your mother.

- What?!
- You'll be safe there.
- But I want to help! We're a team now,

we're the Amazing Van Helsings!

OK, that sounds like a circus act but... Please, let me stay!

It's all arranged, you're booked on a train after school. I'm sorry, Jonno.

Jonathan!

Now, all I need is a guinea pig...

..or a stuffed wolf.

Zoltan! Here, boy!

- If you're addressing me, you boil-infested buffoon,

- may I remind you I am not a boy and I resent being ordered about

- like some simple-minded dog.

Fetch!

ZOLTAN PANTS

TYRES SCREECH

I can't sleep!

D'you know, I haven't been this excited since .

Remember that can-can dancer from the Moulin Rouge...

the slayer that tried to stake me with her stiletto shoe?

Mmm, she was 'O' positive with just a hint of juniper berries.

- See if we have a bottle left in the cellar.
- Mess, Yaster!

Renfield what have you been doing?

Setting traps for Van Helsing.

I've got the whole castle covered, he won't get in.

You idiot! I want him to get in.

We have nothing to fear from a pathetic slayer like him.

Throw open the doors and windows, he can't hurt me.

Aaarrgghh! Not now, you pustular imbecile!

I meant tonight!

Relax! Mr Van Helsing won't slay you at school.

He'll wait till you're at home alone.

Where were you last night when the vampires tried to suck our blood?!

- I was tied up.
- Oh, you had something more important to do

- than saving my family(!)
- No I mean Mr Van Helsing tied me up.

- By the time I got to the castle you were safely home.
- Yeah,

- no, thanks to you!
- It won't happen again, I promise.

Vlad, that's a promise you can't keep.

I'm sorry, but I'm never setting foot in that castle again,

and neither should you, Robin.

We dump him because his Dad might drain us of blood?

Nobody is gonna be drained of blood!

I'm gonna find a way for vampires and breath...

sorry, people... to get along.

No more fighting.

Get ready to fight, weirdo.

- Well, you've certainly got your work cut out.
- Shut up, weirdo number two.

- I won't fight you.
- Good. That makes it easy for me.

CROWD CHANTS: Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!...

Leave them. Apparently, Vlad can fight his own battles.

BELL RINGS

Problems cannot be solved by v*olence.

Isn't that right, Mr Van Helsing?

Yes, you're right,

v*olence is...

..bad.

I just want us to be friends.

That's the spirit, Vlad.

- I'm not shaking the hand of a vampire.
- Vampire?

- Vlad's a vampire and we're slayers.
- What is he talking about?

- I have no idea. - Dad!

He's been under a lot of stress. He's going to stay with his mother.

This is all your fault, vampire!

The u-bend blockage led to a methane build-up in the toilet.

They tried to get rid of the smell by lighting a scented candle.

Kaboom! Looked like someone had thrown in a poo grenade!

THEY ALL LAUGH

Graham! How many times have I told you?

I won't have sewage at my dinner table.

- Is Vlad OK?
- What do you care?

- I thought you weren't his friend any more?
- Sensible move, Chloe.

- That family is odd.
- You don't like anyone not wearing a boiler suit.

Ingrid's all right, she lets us keep our lunch money some days.

- She's all heart(!)
- I know he can be difficult but I feel

sorry for her. It can't be easy growing up without a mother.

And I feel sorry for us having to be neighbours with them.

- I don't want you going to the castle any more.
- Sorry Mum,

I'm not hungry. I'm going to see Vlad.

Elizabeth, say something!

Oh, give this cherry pie to Mr Count,

he was looking a bit peaky last night.

And be back by nine o'clock, or else you're grounded...

for a month!

Eat.

C'mon, Jonno, let's not part like this.

Why did you take me slaying if you didn't want me fighting vampires?

Because one day, I want you to become a great slayer.

Just not today.

The sun will set soon, you should

get back to the caravan while it's still light.

I'm old enough to see myself onto a train.

I'll send for you when this is all over. Mmm?

OVER LOUDSPEAKER: 'The next northbound train

'will shortly be arriving at platform one.'

What's the big emergency?

Apart from the fact your room stinks.

- It'll be dark in a minute and Dad'll fly off to k*ll Van Helsing.
- And?

We have to stop him!

Have you got sun stroke?!

Fighting slayers is one of the perks of being a vampire.

- That and looking great in black.
- See, that's old school thinking.

So you think Dad should hang up his fangs?

He's stuck in the past. It's about time we made peace with the slayers.

There'll be no more talk of peace between vampires and slayers!

The w*r must end.

Slayers will always be our enemy.

We shall bite them on the beaches,

we shall bite them in the fields and in the streets,

we shall bite them in the hills, we shall never surrender.

HE SCREECHES

Shut your mouth, Branagh.

- That is so cool!
- That is not cool.

He's going to att*ck Van Helsing!

He's locked it!

WINGS FLAP

Hello?

WINGS FLAP Who's there?

WINGS FLAP

You don't scare me, Dracula, I'm not afraid of vampires!

Boo!

Arghh!!

If I don't get back by nine, I'll be grounded for a month.

Robin, my Dad is going to k*ll our woodwork teacher!

Point taken. I'll see you at the bottom.

Hopefully in one piece.

- What's that?
- Skeleton key.
- You know, you really are evil.

Come on!

Dad?!

COUNT DRACULA LAUGHS

Dad, where are you?

KNOCKING AT DOOR

The wolf knocked on the door...

..and said,

"Little pig,

"little pig,

"please let me in."

"No, no" said the little pig, "not by the hair on my chinny-chin-chin".

Aargh!

"Then, I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house in!"

- HE LAUGHS
- You forget, the little pig kills the wolf in the end!

- So, come in if you're feeling lucky!
- So nice of you...to invite me in.

Vlad!

Vlad! Vlad?

We have to do something!

If Dad kills Van Helsing, our whole future is at stake...

- in a non-pointy wood kind of way.
- Someone mention my name?

You're not dead!

Not last time I checked.

- Pity.
- Now, where's your father?

Er, he's gone to Spain to top up his tan(!)

You'll know when he's back cos you'll have two holes in your neck.

Urghh!

Caught in your own trap, how ironic.

Mr Van Helsing, wait!

We don't have to keep fighting. Let's try living together in peace!

No slaying, no biting.

- A truce?
- What d'you think?

Can't you do anything right, you useless bag of bones?!

You were just distracting me, you're as devious as your father.

You've got it all wrong, I was just trying to help!

Oh, you can help me all right.

Tell your master to give himself up if he wants to see his kids again.

Dad! Robin's not back from the castle and it's gone nine o'clock!

- That boy's going from bad to worse!
- Stop fretting,

- I'm sure Mr Count will send him home soon. Chloe, bed.
- If he doesn't...

..you can always go up and give him some more of your cherry pie!

Vlad?!

Ah Robin, I believe you know my next victim.

- Victim?!
- Help me!
- Oh,

so now you want help from "weirdo number two"?

Please!

You know, kidnapping is kind of illegal.

Give Van Helsing a message.

Tell him to give himself up if he ever wants to see his son again.

OK, but while I'm gone, no biting!

I thought I told you to take down all your stupid traps.

You're supposed to be babysitting, not hanging around like a fool.

Aargh! Argh!

Now, go get Vlad and Ingrid, I want to show them my catch.

Well, you see the thing is, Sire...

they've gone out. They said don't wait up, cos they might be late.

Young hell-raisers.

Going somewhere?

What a dump! You should really cut back on your garlic bills

and spend some money on a house.

- You think because you live in a castle, you're better than me?
- No,

I'm better than you because I'm a vampire.

Vampires, slayers... what's the difference?

I say we all stop fighting and become one big happy family.

What are you two doing here?

Having a sing-a-long(!) What does it look like?

You think this is funny?

Well, sort of. You and the Count have kidnapped each others kids!

Don't try and bluff me,

Jonno's at his mum's. Probably unpacking his suitcase as we speak.

Do you mean that one?

You're fighting on the wrong side, Jonathan.

A hundred years from now,

I will still be standing here and you will be the dust under my feet.

A hundred years? How will you cope with the boredom?

You haven't even got broadband.

Immortality is a gift and a curse.

I am the flame that burns forever, never to go out.

Dad!

Renfield!

Yes, your most wonderful lordship?

Tell Van Helsing I would like my offspring back.

But as I told you my Master, Vlad and Ingrid just popped to the...

I will deal with you later!

It would seem we've reached a stalemate.

- Or perhaps not. - Nice move.

What?

Very well,

- let Vladimir go and I'll give myself up.
- Er, what about me?

- Well, yes, I suppose you'd better let her go too.
- Don't do it Dad!

- He'll slay you!
- No, I won't.

I'll interrogate him first. Then, I'll slay him.

This is the price of peace, Vlad.

If you try to escape this vial will break,

releasing deadly garlic juice.

Ingenious.

Oh, and don't fix me any dinner.

I'll be eating out.

This is a total disaster!

- What are we going to do?
- I say we finish the slayers once and for all.

How are we supposed to fight Mr Van Helsing

when he's so much bigger than us?

I've got a plan.

Well, I do like your caravan. It's like a large coffin on wheels.

Sit.

Isn't it customary for the condemned man to choose his final meal?

You're not a man, you're a menace, feeding off the weak and the vun...

..vulnerable and spreading my evil across the land, blah, blah, blah.

- I've heard it all before.
- But you won't be hearing it again.

You're going to give me the names and locations of every vampire you know.

- Jonno, step outside.
- But Dad...

You can't send him outside,

he'll miss all the fun!

Now, Jonno!

We're moving?!

- GLASS SMASHES
- Argh!

- They're towing us away!
- What do we do now?!

Die!

- Go left!
- Go right!

Go faster!

TYRES SQUEAL

Aaaaargh!

Aaaaargh!

THEY BOTH SHOUT

The stake, Jonno! Grab the stake!

Got it!

Aaaaargh-huh?

- Hungry?
- Me too... Aaaargh!

TYRES SCREECH

I told you I should drive.

- You don't know how to.
- That makes two of us!

Just shut up!

- Who are you calling stupid? It was his fault! Maggot!
- Oh, no.

- GRAHAM:
- Right, that's it!

I'm getting Robin and I'm gonna give Mr Count a piece of my mind.

OK, so we get back, then what do we do?

I don't know.

What do you mean you don't know?

This is your plan.

I'm sure I'll come up with something! Renfield, drive!

Dad!

Not now Jonathan, I'm busy.

The hearse is gone!

- Something tells me this isn't going to end well.
- Shame!

And we were having such fun! Au revoir, mes amis.

Dad...

I need a wee.

SPLASH!

Well, where is it?!

Um, I didn't want to upset you.

Upset us? Why would we be upset that our Dad is

freewheeling around Stokely with a couple of slayers?!

And what a lark it was too.

VLAD AND INGRID: Dad!

Oh!

You know, son...

..I think slaying the Count is gonna be harder than we thought.

HE LAUGHS

Dad, about the Van Helsings...

It was fantastic.

Who do you think you are keeping my son out till all hours?!

You may let your children run wild, but that is not the Branagh way!

Please accept my most humble apologies.

Robin was assisting us in a, er, family emergency.

- He was?
- You've raised a very caring and considerate son.

- He has?
- Well, uh, that's...

very kind of you to say so.

- Come on, Robin, let's get home, my knees are freezing.
- Oh, and please,

thank Elizabeth for that delicious cherry pie.

What? I can't be nice to breathers once in a while?

I'm a breather.

Ow, ow, ow!

That's not nice!

- And neither is letting my children be captured by my sworn enemy!
- So...

what did you do to the Van Helsings?

- You butchered them, right?
- Unfortunately not.

I guess we can't be friends with the slayers. Sorry, Dad.

Defeating them may be harder than I thought.

But it's going to be a lot of fun.