02x02 - The Yanks are Coming

[bunniefuu]

HORSES NEIGH PEOPLE SCREAM

EVIL LAUGHTER

- A good night's slaughter, little brother!
- peasants.

And I haven't finished yet!

- Bravo!
- I got myself a take-away!

HE WHIMPERS

WILD LAUGHTER

I can't wait to see that brother of mine,

he's been in America for far too long.

And I bet his children know what real evil is.

That's because their dad's a real vampire.

Dad, you will behave yourself when Uncle Ivan gets here?

Remember, no peasant hunting.

Oh, no, Vlad.

The moment Ivan arrives we're going to paint this town very, very red!

WILD LAUGHTER

Maybe I should tell Mum to give bingo a miss.

What are we gonna do, Robin?

They'll rip the throats out of half of Stokely...tonight!

Maybe Ivan's changed. My Dad was a right nutter when he was younger.

Your dad?

Yeah!

Mum says his library books were always overdue.

I'm afraid you're clutching at straws.

Even now, my stuffing runs cold thinking of Ivan, and his cruelty.

Saturdays were the worst, that was the 'throw the hellhounds

'off the battlements' day.

I don't know why we're getting dressed up,

my cousins will think I'm a real geek.

Oh, very funny!

EERIE NOISE

What just happened?

It's the castle playing tricks.

Once Dad's lived somewhere a while, it takes on his evil personality.

Vladimir!

I've got to go.

Ah! ROARING

Don't start with me, all right?

ROAR!

Aaargh!

Jonno! I've told you never to wake me like that!

There's something's going on up at the castle.

What?

I don't know.

Dad, I can sense it.

Here.

Like a twisted feeling?

You know what this means?

We shouldn't have eaten the Chinese?

No, you've got IT!

The slayer's instinct! It's...

It's what separates the great ones from the rest.

Jonno, I'm proud of you, son!

Hope it's not just wind.

Well, he's Ivan the Terrible all right.

Ivan the Terrible Time Keeper! Where is he?

Evil as great as his cannot be hurried.

Perhaps he's decided not to come.

- Bournemouth's nice this time of year.
- Silence!

SNIFFING

He approaches.

Children, prepare to meet your uncle.

Ivan the Bloodthirsty,

Devourer of Souls and Black-hearted Butcher of...

Yo, big bro! Come and gimme a hug!

Ivan?

The name's Harvey now. Ivan's so...

old country. Don't you think?

But you're different... You've got a suntan!

It's out of a bottle,

but it gets rid of that pasty look Mom and Pop were so fond of.

You should try some.

Guys! You gotta be Vlad, Ingrid. High fives!

OK, maybe later.

Meet your cousin, Olga...

Your Grace.

Charming.

Oh, please!

This is Boris...

He has a few personal contact issues.

He's shy.

Great. Another loser.

Silence, Ingrid, or I shall feed you to the gargoyles.

Anyway, time's wasting, brother!

You must be hungry, let's go hunt some peasant.

Ah, there's no easy way to break this to you, bro,

I don't do peasant any more.

Gave up the red stuff a while ago. Blood-free since ' .

I drink Soya substitute, all of the goodness and none of the badness.

Oh, I see it now! This is all some terrible joke.

LAUGHTER

RENFIELD CACKLES

Isn't it, Ivan?

I'm sorry, bro... And it's Harvey.

I can't reach the next foothold.

Close your eyes, Jonno, put your trust in that instinct of yours.

Oh!

It's just a matter of practice.

Quick, take cover!

Take our 'guests' in and cancel the feast, we'll eat tomorrow.

Yes, Master.

Raa-argh!

Son, your instincts were right.

They're going to feast on those so-called guests.

What are we going to do?

We're going to SAVE them.

Help! Help! Help!

It's trying to k*ll me!

I only said, "Good evening, Master Boris."

This is Zoltan, he's my stuffed wolf!

Stuffed hellhound, if you don't mind.

See!

- He's as lethal as a fluffy cushion!
- Huh,

- can a fluffy cushion do this?
- GROWLS

You're not helping.

You OK now?

Are you kidding?

This skanky old castle is totally creeping me out.

Your driver has, like, boils. And you don't have cable!

Sorry, we're not all living blood-free in a beachside condo.

Lucky?! I'm turning next week

and I have to go through my...'transformation'.

That's not lucky!

- So that's why you're here... What did your dad tell you?
- Not enough!

I keep having nightmares where they lock me in a room

and this huge black snake eats its way out my head through my ear,

sucks up my brain and takes me over!

Or maybe they'll just give you a certificate.

Yeah, right(!)

Fun being a vampire, isn't it?

You Yanks are such a let down!

Shift!

Kiss - my - cape!

Oh, I see, the 'Miss Goody Two Shoes' routine is an act. Pathetic!

You're pathetic! The Count can't bear YOU, but he thinks I'm charming.

And so does my Dad, which is exactly where I want him,

cos when I'm and get my powers... BAM!

He's history and I take over!

Yeah, well, you don't scare me!

No? I oughta! I can make your life a misery around here...

Uncle Count, I wait on my Daddy hand and fang,

would you like me to show Ingrid how?

Stupid!

I'll tell them all what you're like.

Go ahead, who'll believe YOU?

You're the nasty one, and I'm nice.

Now get off MY bed!

MUSIC PLAYS

DONG!

Hi, Ingrid!

Did your cousins...

I'll let myself in then.

You're saying that my Dad

picked you up and threw you off the battlements?

One-handed.

HE STRAINS

Do you wanna hand?

No, I'm fine...

And this is the son of Ivan the Bloodthirsty?!

It's Harvey now.

Apologies, Master! Please don't rip out my intestines

and throw them to the rats!

Why would I do that?

You used to!

Old days, old ways my friend.

Come on, Boris, time we did some prep for your transformation.

Maybe later, Dad.

DOORS SLAM

Now, Boris!

Hey, Vlad, how you doing?

I'm fine.

Really? Come on, sh**t.

What's on your mind?

Well, you know you live...

blood-free?

Yeah...

Can all vampires do it?

You betcha! It's all about finding inner peace.

Why? You interested?

Definitely. For the first time I can imagine becoming a vampire.

The whole blood thing, it's not me.

The only problem is...

My brother?

He's not big on inner peace.

But...

I could convert him?

He's a tough cookie, but I'm always ready to spread the word!

Why don't we...

work on him together?

This time next week we'll have him sipping Soya blood martinis

in Bermuda shorts!

I think it may take longer than a week.

HE LAUGHS

I thought we agreed, that's my bed.

Yeah, well, I've changed my mind.

Tell me again about that plan

to slaughter your dad and take over the family?

- If I don't, are you going to hit me again?
- What?

- Oh, no, Ingrid, please don't...
- Stop it!

SLAP! Ow! That really hurts!

D'you really think I'm that stupid I'd let you record me?

Don't try and fight me, you ain't good enough!

This isn't funny any more! Let me in!

Waarrgghh!

Excellent!

I think...

BANGING

Uh-oh.

DEMONIC LAUGHTER

So I said to the guy, "Give me two blood martinis, but hold the blood'.

Breakfast, Masters?

I've prepared a full selection of vermin

or, if you prefer a lighter bite, a choice of rare birds and of course

- my signature dish...
- HE CHORTLES

..rancid fox.

Oh, sorry... didn't I mention? I'm vegetarian.

I've got badgers' noses, they're more gristle than meat.

Are you deliberately trying to give me a blood ulcer?

What in the name of the Impaler has happened to you?!

I cleaned up my act, bro, I had to.

I was out of control, draining peasants a day.

I tried everything to cut down,

patches, hypnotherapy, nothing worked.

Then I met a bunch of New Age werewolves...

Why does it always have to be werewolves?!

Dad...

They told me if I'd eat good, I'd do good. I never felt better!

I made a fortune selling real estate.

The old hypnosis makes us Draculas good salesmen.

It's a little sneaky for the 'new you', isn't it?

- I haven't changed that much!
- Dad, this is the st century.

All the cool vampires are living blood-free.

I was thinking, perhaps, possibly, maybe you could give it a try?

Maybe. Maybe, we could live in a little cottage,

and eat nuts and grow daffodils...

NEVER!

Well, that went well.

Don't worry, there's more than one way to skin a cat.

And I should know, I've skinned a few!

OK, Operation Rescue, ready to go.

Final equipment check...

- Stakes.
- Check.

- Body armour.
- Check.

- Emergency flares.
- Check.

Ham sandwiches with a hint of pickle.

Check... Ooops.

Oh, great.

EERIE NOISES

ROARING Yaa-aaa-aah!

DEMONIC CHORTLING

WHISTLING

Go away! I need some peace and quiet.

Right you are, I'll sprinkle my filth later.

What is the meaning of this?!

"Hey, vampire, just say no! Ten steps to a blood-free life."

Master Vlad and your brother left those all over the castle.

Ivan always charmed the birds from the trees...

before horribly mutilating them.

And now he's turning my own son against me.

Oh, there, there, Master,

your old Renfield's here.

What are you doing?

Comforting you?

Well don't!

This South American mood stone measures the tension in the room

MUSIC: WHALES SING

Blue is cool, red is stressed...

That's good, guys.

You're doing well...

ROARING: Ivan!

You!

Yo, big bro! Come and join us, it's good for the soul.

I don't have a soul...

and neither should you! Now stop poisoning my son's mind

with this New Age claptrap.

Vladimir,

it is your destiny to become a fully-fledged blood sucking vampire.

Vlad, take no notice. The old ways are deader than he is.

- Vladimir, you will listen to me.
- I
- am head of this family.

Huh! It's like when we were kids, he's the boss cos he's the oldest!

When we played Victim and Vampire, I always had to be the victim.

Oh. But at least I wasn't a little snitch,

running off to Nanny Clontarf every time I took your toy hearse away!

Dad, stop it! You can't fight the future,

living blood-free is the only way we'll survive.

HE ROARS

Survive!

I'll show you how we survive.

Dad, no!

Wow! The way you stood up to him then was so impressive.

Impressive! Thanks to me he's going to k*ll a breather.

I've ruined everything.

SCREECHING

Let's go through the plan.

Now, at hours you create a diversion.

But, Dad, my instincts tell me the Count's left. We should go in now!

- No, Jonno.
- But, Dad...

Don't forget the first rule of slaying, 'always stick to the plan'.

I thought it was 'protect your family'?

Sorry.

Now, we creep round the back...

- Why?! Let's charge in through the front!
- No, we lose the surprise!

The first rule of slaying 'never lose the...'

As I was saying,

the second rule of slaying, 'never lose the element of surprise'.

FLAPPING

Good evening, wench.

- ALARM SHRIEKS
- Aa-aa-aa-argh!

Creep!

Dad won't stop at one peasant.

Once he gets the taste of blood, he'll go on a rampage.

The butchers, the bakers...

And it's all your fault!

SCREECHING

Aaargh!

Dad, let me...help you.

Well, thank you, Ingrid...

Now go away!

Villages aren't safe any more!

The peasant had a contraption that's played havoc with my bat hearing!

- So you didn't bite...
- No!

Welcome to the modern era, it's a dangerous place for vampires.

If it hadn't been a personal alarm, it could have been pepper spray.

Or a stun g*n.

It's not just peasants with flaming torches any more.

Living in the past is stressing you out big time.

I mean, you're just over ...

!

- Whatever. You look closer to , .
- I can still turn a few heads.

I'm not saying you're not good looking,

all us Drac guys have that in common, right?

But you go blood free and those years will just fall away.

Before you girl guides break into 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow',

can I just say one thing?

- Van Helsing.
- Van who...sing?

The local slayer. He won't give up, he won't let Dad live a normal life.

Good point, Ingrid.

Uncle Harvey, you can talk to Van Helsing.

Fantastic idea, Vlad.

You think you can do that, little brother?

Sure...

I'll go see the slayer. And if I convince him to hang up his stake,

you go blood-free. Right?

Agreed!

- No!
- Yes!

I don't suppose you've got a sandwich in there, have you?

I'm starving.

DEEP VOICE: Me too.

Aa-aa-aah!

LAUGHTER

Hey!

Easy there, little buddy!

Great night for a walk, isn't it?

TYRES SCREECH

That doesn't look good.

Will you really give up centuries of evil to become a peasant hugger?!

- Yes! He is...
- Oh, no, he's not!

Huh?

My brother was never able to resist the blood of a slayer,

to send him was inspired, Vlad.

Two minutes with Van Helsing,

and he'll be draining him dry! It's win, win.

I get rid of the slayer and get my blood sucking brother back!

- Neat.
- What?!

Dad. You are brilliant.

- Hmmm.
- You're wrong!

He won't go back, he's the future.

We've just delivered him into Van Helsing's hands!

Oh, don't worry about Ivan.

He can take care of himself.

Vlad, I just saw your uncle being kidnapped by the Van Helsings.

Happy now?

Come in. Come in.

Here we go.

You're with friends.

Sorry about the 'rough stuff' but you don't hang about at that castle.

Who are you guys?

Van Helsing, this is my son, Jonathan.

Ah, the slayers!

You know about us?

Of course! My brother told me about you.

- Your brother?
- Count Dracula, I'm his brother, Harvey.

How you doing?

Oh, come on! Play nice! You invited me in.

If I wanted to bite you, you'd both be dried out corpses by now.

You see.

Now just sit down, de-stress.

I can show you some very effective relaxation techniques.

What sort of vampire are you?

The coolest bat you've ever known!

And then...

I was really tiny...

suit of armour!!

What?

Can we do this later? My uncle is about to get staked.

Touchy.

Look, do you want to put the stake down?

I'd rather not.

So the Count's giving up blood?

Certainly. He wants to start a new, clean, normal life.

He's a changed man.

He's not a man, he's a vampire!

- You say tomato, I say
- tomato.

I've made him realise that feeding on the living isn't cool.

This is a win for you guys, he's putting away his fangs!

Why should we believe you?

Dad, my instinct says he's telling the truth.

Really?

Smart kid.

What do you say, end the feud and get on with your lives?

If you wanna move State-side, I can do you a great deal on a condo.

SLAMMING AND BANGING

Ow!

Slayer's blood.

Dad!

Don't look at him, son!

Uncle Harvey, no!

The name is Ivan.

The garlic!

Raa-aargh!

We'll be off then.

Maybe my instinct needs a little work.

I don't believe you! You said living blood-free was our best chance!

There was no blood-free!

It was a deluded dream. Tell him, Ivan.

He's right. This is sensational, I haven't felt this undead in years.

There's only one way for us to live, up to our eyes in blood!

Get used to it! LAUGHTER

Good to have you back!

Daddy...

Go away, brat, the men are talking.

Welcome to my world.

Now go and make MY bed before I dip you in the slime pit!

I haven't forgotten that you helped save that slayer, breather.

Maybe I should snack on you to make up for it...

Leave him alone.

We must celebrate. Renfield!

Renfield, fetch us a case of vintage Hungarian Royalty.

Sounds good! And isn't it Saturday?

Let's find some hellhounds we can throw off the battlements.

Thanks, Vlad. I'm sorry the blood-free thing didn't work out.

That's the least of my worries.

With Ivan and Dad back together things will get seriously scary.

- THUD!
- Oh-ah!

It's just like old times.

See what I mean?