02x09 - Body Swap

[bunniefuu]

- I had a great time.
- Me too.

Well, this is me.

- What are you two playing at?
- It's not me, it's her!

I have first claim on all new prey.

He's not your prey, he's my boyfriend!

And it's my castle, so I'll bite who I want to!

Look, Ingrid, perhaps you should stay away from Will.

This close to your transformation, you've no control over your powers.

You worry too much.

I meant to do it.

- BELL TOLLS
- That's Will again, don't answer it!

No-one is going to stop me kissing my boyfriend goodnight!

Tell anyone about this, bat breath,

and I will chop off your tongue and feed it to Renfield!

I think I'm in love. ..Read.

"The Staff of Carpathia, a new attraction at Stokely Museum.

"..One blow from the Staff will cure the curse of vampirism."

Robin, this is brilliant!

Eh? ..Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Thanks for coming today, Chloe. I really appreciate it.

Who couldn't resist the chance

to authenticate an artefact like the Staff?

- Out of everyone I know, just you.
- Oh, the map.

- I don't suppose Ingrid's...?
- She thought you were Will, get over it!

- I know, but...
- Ssh! Right, so, we're here and the Staff is there.

Everyone know which way to go? Good.

It's this way!

I'd go with her, she's usually right.

When I suggested a family day out, this isn't quite what I had in mind.

On a Sunday in Stokely, it's either the museum or the bowling alley.

Ooh, well, I like bowling!

I'm banned.

There was a theme night, some of the staff were dressed up as vampires.

You don't want to know the details.

Some of these exhibits are really weird.

Mwaa-aah!

Calm down, Jonno. They're not real!

Are you sure it was the Count?

- Yes!
- I knew it! He's out to destroy the Staff of Carpathia.

- You can't go after him, Mum'll go mad.
- Leave your mother to me.

HE LAUGHS

Jonno, you're getting a bit old for that, aren't you?

- What's this?
- Jonathan wants to play hide-and-seek in the museum

like we did when he was little.

..All right, just this once.

Count to , then come and find me.

I don't know, screaming at the exhibits, playing hide-and-seek?

I'm going to have to toughen you up a bit.

It's down there and left at the severed head.

It really smells like the plague in here.

Sort of familiar, though.

Mouldy cabbage... with a hint of toe jam.

Week-old armpit sweat.

Renfield!

- Put those rats down!
- What rats? Ow!

- What are you doing here?
- Nothing.

- Where's Dad?
- I've lost him.

But he's definitely not here and we're not after the Staff.

- If your Dad's after the Staff...
- It means it's got to be for real!

- Thanks, Renfield!
- Please don't tell Master you forced it out of me. Ow!

Oi, Ozzy Osbourne... ]

keep away from the exhibits.

You may address me as Count.

Oh, really?

Well..."Count", rules is rules!

Now back off!

Oi! I told you -

stay away from the exhibits!

Go on, then!

Cool!

Who says I can't control my powers?

BELL TOLLS

- BELL TOLLS AGAIN
- Isn't anyone going to get that?!

'Put...that...down!'

How did you...?

'I said, put it down!'

Why did I...?

Where are you?

- HE CHORTLES:
- 'I'm in your body, you fool.'

You seriously expect me to believe that?

'Look in the display cabinet.'

A-a-a-a-argh!

Do I have to do everything around here?

BELL TOLLS

"To be opened by Count Dracula only." In your dreams!

Leave that alone!

Ha-ha-ha! You should have seen your face!

You'll regret that, you mangy mutt!

The Staff's still here!

So's my Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Sorry, Vlad, I think your dad's dead.

Of course, he's been dead for years! This is an old vampire trick,

- their life forces can leave their bodies.
- So he could be anywhere?

Pretty much. He'd never go far, unless... he was in trouble.

I have to find him.

- You two, look after his body.
- Body?

- We'll have to move him.
- I'm not touching it!

Where do you hold a vampire?

- .. ... ...
- Shouldn't you be counting to in s or something?

- I always give him loads of time, he's rubbish at hiding.
- I know -

I could always find my Christmas presents.

- Mum...
- Mm-hm.

..are you gonna be around this Christmas?

Of course.

Now that your dad's given up that vampire nonsense.

He has given it up, hasn't he?

Yeah.

You know what, I'm gonna go stop him. ..FIND him.

So, Daddy's got a brand new throne.

Won't he just hate it if I sit on it first?

I don't think you should do that.

Good job it's not up to you, then, isn't it, fur-ball? Now get lost!

- Did I just do that?
- Yeah...

Sweet!

Out, breather!

I'm sorry, I didn't mean...

Or I'll drain all your blood!

Will you stop that?! Sorry.

- Eurgh!
- What do you mean, "eurgh"?

Look at me! I haven't seen my reflection for years.

It's the face of pure unadulterated evil!

Yes, yes, obviously. But look at the bone structure, those brooding eyes.

We'll just nip in here for a quick snack.

You'll be elevenses... and you'll be half-elevenses.

And then we'll find the Master.

Get out! Get out of my body now!

And where do you suggest I go?

Him! You can go into him!

I would rather be stuck inside a rotting badger!

What have you done?!

Oh, dear.

Aarrrggghhh!

Dad!

Dad!

- This is bad!
- Dad! What happened?!

The Count's life force is trapped inside me, so his body's defenceless!

Go to the Staff of Carpathia exhibit and...

..give him a nice bar of chocolate.

Bar of chocolate?

No! I didn't say that. It was the Count talking.

I meant s-s-s...

s-s-s-r-r-r-r...

s-s-s-s-s...

Sing to him!

Ha-ha-ha! ]

- No!
- You mean stake him!
- Yes!

No!

Yes!

No!

- Yes!
- Don't even think about it!

Try and stop me!

That's my boy!

Ooh, j'ai mal a la tete!

That bang on the head has turned him French again!

Now, Renfield, go find the Staff of Carpathia.

Allez chercher le Baton de Carpathie, vite!

Oui, maitre.

I don't even speak French!

You'd be surprised at what you can do now I've moved in.

How d'you fancy draining the blood from a large mammal?

Ha-ha-ha!

Oi! No running!

He's gone!

Well, I'm gonna find him and turn him into dust!

Not if I find him first.

I said no running!

Doesn't seem right leaving Count Dracula in a boiler room.

I'll be fine, just leave me a bottle of blood, bottle of blood.

You do know, his life force could be looking at you right now.

Sorry.

Candles on!

Candles off!

Candles on.

Candles off!

This is so great!

Candles on!

Oh...!

I am so undead!

I don't want to say I told you so... but I told you so.

Right, that's it, I warned you!

I can't find Vlad anywhere.

Can you smell burning?

I'm in control, slayer!

No, you're not, you blood-sucking beast!

Here you are!

Well, hello!

What a joy you are to behold!

Thank you. Jonno not found you yet?

Er, no. He's rubbish at finding me, he'll be ages yet.

Well, I'm starving, D'you fancy a quick bite?

..Mmm. Always.

Sorry.

Mmm. My dear.

You're being very romantic all of a sudden.

I like it.

Ooh!

I told you I could smell burning!

Thanks(!)

Ou se trouve le Baton de Carphathie?

Oi! I'm the French peasant. You're supposed to be the French aristocrat.

- Can't the agency get anything right?
- Pardon?

Come on, let's get you into costume. This way.

..The Carpathian...

See anything you fancy?

Oh, yes!

I think I'd like some...garlic bread.

I'd forgotten what beautiful eyes you have.

What's got into you today?

You'd be surprised.

Ooh! That looks nice.

Away, foul demon!

I preferred it when you were saying nice things about my eyes.

I'm sorry, Mina, I... Aargh!

..better go find Jonno.

OK, I can do this.

Just mustn't think about blood.

Oh...!

Oh!

- Sorry about that.
- Erm... for you.

Thanks.

So, what do you fancy? The museum, bowling?

Actually, I've got a favour to ask.

Erm, anything.

You want me to fix this?

Think you can thr*aten my family?

Oh, I'll teach you!!

Hope you're wearing your sunblock!

Burn, vile monster, burn!

No.

Ha-ha-ha!

Why aren't you burning?

Ha-ha-ha!

I'm protected inside your body, slayer.

This is fantastic!

I haven't felt the sun in...

almost years!

Slayer, enjoy!

You've made up my mind, I'm going to stay in your body forever!

Ha-ha-ha!

Over my dead body!

Ha-ha-ha!

If you insist.

Argh!

- Will!
- It's OK, I'll live.
- I don't want to look.

- It's only a drop of blood.
- You have to leave.

- Who'd have thought you'd be squeamish about...?
- Go! Now!

Don't say a word!

FRENCH ACCORDION MUSIC

HE LAUGHS

I can't understand that girl.

Where's my dad? You're supposed to be looking after him!

Don't worry he's OK, we've hidden him in the horror exhibition.

Let's go.

The Staff!

It's gone! Call the police...

But YOU'VE got the Staff. Guard it with your life.

Oh...

Come on.

No!

Jonno!

This vampire fiend won't leave my body!

- There's nothing for it, you'll have to stake me!
- No!

Dad, get back in your own body, right now!

Never! I'm alive, Vlad.

For the first time in hundreds of years

I can feel the blood pumping through my veins!

It's fantastic!

Do it, Jonno!

Finish us both off while you can.

Mon maitre!

Now, Jonno! Let's get him now!

Here you are!

Oh, hello, Mr Count. I didn't know you were here today.

What a coincidence.

Well, it's nice to see you again. Shall we go?

THE COUNT CACKLES

Now I remember why I don't hang out with you guys any more.

He'll never notice.

DOOR OPENS

It was the Staff that drove you out of Van Helsing's body, wasn't it?

- It does cure vampirism!
- Oh, don't be ridiculous!

It was just the shock of that useless lump hitting me.

So why did you go to the museum to steal it?

I didn't steal it, breather, it's mine!

It's my favourite back-scratcher.

I lost it years ago and I've never been able to replace it.

Oh... heaven!

Want to try?

Why did I get my hopes up?

Don't give up, Vlad.

Ha-ha-ha!

Repeat after me, Renfield.

"You're a genius, Master."

Vous etes un genie, Maitre.

..Ooh! Ow, my head!

Master, your Renfield is back!

I can't tell you...

- how little I care.
- Oh.

Poor Vladdy.

He'll never know he held his dream in his hand.

Oh, goody -

my new throne!

What?

What?!

INGRID!