02x13 - The Chosen One

[bunniefuu]

"Grand High Vampire staked by Boris Dracula,

"whose takeover attempt failed when he wore the Crown of Power

"and mysteriously turned to dust."

Cousin Boris is all over the paper, Zoltan.

Except The Sun Block.

Look, the Lice Girls are getting back together!

I thought I saw something.

Yes, it's lightning.

'Vladimir Dracula.'

That's thunder.

You are the Chosen One!

You must take your rightful place on the throne.

I'm sorry, your Grandness, I really think there's been a mistake.

- I have trouble doing my homework.
- The time is almost here.

- You'll know you are the Chosen One when...
- What?

Come on, we haven't got all night!

The heads of the vampire clans are downstairs.

The ceremony is beginning.

What's wrong, Master Vlad? You look like you've seen a ghost.

Er, I don't think our plan to rescue Mum is gonna work.

The place is swarming with vampires!

There's the Count, Ingrid and Will. (Three is not a swarm.)

I'm telling you, it's wall-to-wall fang down there.

Jonno, now is not the time for a visit from Mr Cowardy Custard!

LAUGHTER

D'you want some humble pie with that custard?

Tonight we unveil a new leader from our majestic throng of night feeders.

Blood brothers and sisters, I present to you the Crown of Power.

Carved from the bones of victims from the dawn of time.

Come, come, come, come.

- Did you see that?
- Yeah, Renfield is such a show-off.

THEY LAUGH

To reveal the identity of our new Grand High Vampire,

I shall require a drop of blood.

You.

HE GROWLS

Please don't say my name...

As if.

Chieftain MacDonald.

THEY SIGH

BAGPIPES PLAY

Do you solemnly swear to be evil,

bloodthirsty and cruel now and for ever more?

Och aye, I do.

What?

THEY GASP

- Was it something I said?
- It's the prophecy.

- What prophecy?
- Some vampire voodoo, apparently.

When the bloodline drops like flies,

it's a sign a special vampire's coming.

- The Chosen One.
- There is no proof of it.

Well, let's hope the bloodline finds someone less combustible this time.

THEY LAUGH

Jiang Shi.

Keen. I like it.

Do you solemnly swear...

HE MUMBLES

THEY GASP

That vampire voodoo might be true after all.

So, who's going to find themselves third time lucky?

Ha-ha-ha! Count Dracula!

MURMUR OF VOICES

Well, it's been a long night.

We're all tired. Why don't we get some rest and food.

I'll be crowned tomorrow night? Great! That's decided then.

I can't believe Dad chickened out!

Well, you can't blame him. That crown is deadly.

Exactly. I'll be devastated at our loss of course,

but as the new head of the Dracula family, I'm sure I'll get over it.

- You'll inherit the castle?!
- And everything else!

You are so bad.

I know. Dad's gonna wear that crown if it's the last thing he does.

- Ready for action, Jonno!
- Let's go!

No, wait! Let's make a pact.

- Promise me you'll slay me if I get bitten.
- I promise.

And you'll slay me if I get bitten?

I promise.

What if we both get bitten at once?

These pacts are trickier than you think.

This is our chance to save your mother!

It's you and me against two dozen vampires.

- BOTH:
- We're gonna need more weapons.

Why do I have to be the Chosen One? Why can't it be like PE,

where I'm always last to be picked?

You can't have seen the Grand High Vampire.

I would have sensed his presence

with my finely tuned animal instincts.

It's bad enough turning into a vampire,

never mind a special one. I won't wear that crown!

Then your father is doomed.

Not if I stop the coronation.

You're a tomato. And you two can be the grapes.

I wanted to be the carrot.

Chloe's the carrot.

And you're the banana? It's not fair!

The theme for the Scout Cabaret was my idea.

There's no way I'm wearing this in public.

You are. We need five pieces of fruit and veg,

- we're the "five-a-day family".
- You're coming and that's it.

Over my dead pineapple.

I have come up with a foolproof plan to save you!

I have made an exact replica of the Crown of Power!

That is an utterly stu...stupendous idea!

With a fake crown I can be Grand High Vampire without taking risks!

You're not such a mindless slobbering idiot after all!

Thank you, Master! Ta daaa!

We shouldn't be here. We were kicked out of the Slayer's Guild!

- 'Please speak name.'
- Eat garlic and die!

I was only...

BUZZER RINGS

'Voice recognised. Access granted.'

Grab as many weapons as you can!

Reach for the skies, ladies.

Now turn around.

Agent Kurt Muller. Slayers Guild, Tactical Division.

Number of kills, .

Eric Van Helsing. Slayers Guild, Field Operative.

Kills, zero. Discharged for ineffective conduct.

Nice work with the pass, you snuck by the tech boys.

- We came for our weapons.
- They're antiques!

Stakes and crossbows? No wonder you didn't bag any fang-jobs.

Now this is a w*apon. UV grenade-launcher.

It's like having the sun in the palm of your hand.

Kurt fired and the intruders wet their pants.

- Artistic licence, I'm writing my memoirs.
- Yeah, well.

I'll stick with what I know, thanks.

Your funeral.

Are you going to slay the Count?

The Count's old news, I'm here to take down...

The Chosen One.

Come on, Robin, stop sulking.

Your dad's gone to a lot of trouble for this.

Urgh! Sorry!

Oh.

Naughty, naughty.

How dare you keep me here like this!

I think it's rather cosy.

- You're a monster!
- (Me?)

Vlad?

Ssh. It's me. Quick, over here.

- Is this everyone?
- Some went to sleep in the crypt.

Show some respect for your new Grand High Vampire!

- Or should I say last respects?
- Ha-ha-ha!

Your dad's gonna be the Grand High Vampire?!

Not if I can help it.

Master, someone's stolen the crown!

- Really?
- No, really.

Oh, oh dear... Never mind!

I mean... Find it, find it now!

I don't know what to do, Robin.

Do you think I'm the Chosen One?

No. You're a rubbish vampire. There's no way it's you.

- Thanks.
- Maybe I'm the Chosen One.

Robin...don't!

Aaargh!

- You should see the look on your face!
- Not funny.

- Oh, come on, it was a bit funny.
- What if the prophecy's true?

There's only one way to find out.

I think the map was wrong. This isn't the dungeon.

It's the crypt. If your mother's in here, we're already too late.

- Dad, I've got a bad feeling about this.
- Me too.

You shouldn't say that! You should say,

"It's fine, we're in no danger".

What was that?

Sounded like a coffin opening,

but don't worry, we're in no danger.

- Aargh!
- Arrgh!

THEY LAUGH

CREAKING

THEY SNARL

Run!

RUMBLING

OK, maybe that wasn't such a great idea.

Playtime's over. Dad wants his crown back.

Don't give it to him, he'll die!

It's tragic. Don't forget to bring a dustpan and brush.

Stay here, it's too dangerous.

And I mean it this time!

Careful getting in, we don't want any slip-ups!

Graham, I don't think your jokes appeal to them.

- Enough fruit jokes.
- They're rotten.

Dad, there's a problem!

Wow, Robin really needs to start shaving.

Stay here, I'm going to the castle!

You've no time, you'll be late.

I won't let them get their teeth into my son!

Not this vampire nonsense again!

Er, actually...Dad's right.

Right, that's it. I've had enough!

Everybody into the van, we're going to sort this out!

Kurt waited, like a spider waiting for a fly.

If you put on the crown we'll be sweeping you up like the rest.

Rubbish! They were weak!

It won't destroy Dad, he's strong,

destined to be the greatest leader ever known!

Silence! I've made my decision.

Proceed with the ceremony.

Stop! Can't you see?

This is what she wants! You're gonna die.

You're not the Chosen One, I am!

THEY LAUGH

We're sorry for intruding, but there's been a misunderstanding.

Oh, really? Pray tell.

Well, somebody, and I won't mention any names,

thinks you're all...

vampires!

MR COUNT LAUGHS

Vampires?

I know. It's ridiculous!

Please don't do this.

So because we wear capes, we're vampires?

He has an overactive imagination!

Because we have a penchant for black, we're vampires?

Just because we have fangs...

HE LAUGHS DEMONICALLY

..and drink blood. We. Are. Vampires.

VAMPIRES HISS AND SNARL

- Oh, my.
- Somehow, "I told you so," isn't quite enough.

Now...who would like some freshly squeezed juice?

Not for me, coffin-breath,

I like my tomatoes like I like my vampires...sun-dried.

Go! Go! Go!

Kurt's date with destiny had arrived.

He knew this was a fight to death.

I hear with my little ear something beginning with - awesome!

- THEY SCREAM
- The other way!

- Eric! Jonno!
- Mum!

- Are you OK? Did he bite you?
- No.

Eric, I'm so sorry I didn't believe you.

It's not important. Let's go.

GROWLING

Rrrraargh!

Ready, aim, fire!

Eat this, slayer!

May I remind you I'm stuffed with sawdust.

If I get hit, I'll probably burst into flames.

The man's an imbecile!

Kurt was outnumbered, just as he liked it.

What are you doing here?!

You're the One, you must do something!

Everything's gonna be fine. It's not as bad as it looks.

- Will!
- Arrgh!

Agh! Oh?!

Dad! You slayed a vampire!

Well, he gave me a hand.

SHE SCREAMS

HE HISSES

CLANG

HE LAUGHS

Well, we enjoyed your little fireworks display,

but all good things must come to an end.

Including you.

Kurt had a last trick up his sleeve.

BEEPING

I'll save you, Master!

Get off me! You imbecile!

You are so dead.

THEY GASP

Nice sh**ting, slayer.

THEY SCREAM

Let's finish this.

Wait! We can work something out!

- Time for talking's over, kid!
- But we don't...we...

You will know you are the Chosen One when you

sacrifice the life you love, to save the family you love.

Robin! The crown! Now!

RUMBLING

SCREAMING

Arrgh!

VLAD SCREAMS

That's my Vladdy.

Vampires be gone!

Mortals, approach me.

Why must we destroy each other?

Can we not live together in harmony?

You will leave this place and remember nothing of vampires.

We do not exist.

ELECTRICAL CRACKLING

Now go!

What a lovely family!

We are so lucky to have them as neighbours!

- I'll see you for coffee tomorrow, Elizabeth.
- Lovely.
- Night, night.

Graham, we better hurry or we'll be late!

- Twister!
- Mind if I hitch a ride?

- Course not. Hop in.
- Stop!

- I told you, I'm not wearing this!
- Spoil-sport!

Kurt got in the van with the strange family.

He had no idea why he was talking to his wrist, but

he kept on doing it anyway.

Is he... Is he dead?

I don't know and I don't care.

He's your brother! You must help him!

I'll decide what I MUST do.

Because I'm in charge now.

HE ROARS

Traitor! You will pay for this betrayal, Ingrid!

Silence!

From now on, you will call me Countess Dracula.

Watch me as I avenge Will's death

and make the streets of Stokely run red with blood!

SHE CACKLES DEMONICALLY