09x01 - Vive La Hecks

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "The Middle"...

Life's too short. If you have feelings

for someone, you should tell them.

AXL: She's kind of seeing someone.

SUE: [GASPS] Oh, no, no, no!
I can't throw this out.

I found it in the trash. [SIGHS]

- I rescued it!
- Really, Sue?

There's just something about it.

It spoke to me.

Arrivederci!

♪

Mike, your son's gonna be home
from Europe any second.

Where's your "you"?

I told you I'm not holding that.

[SIGHS] Ooh!

He's on Plum Street!

Get up! Get up! He's almost here!

Keep your pants on.

I'll get up when he's on Birchwood.

He's on Birchwood! My boy's almost home!

Okay, Brick, it's show time!

Start recording.

BRICK: I had my phone a minute ago.

[SIGHS] Really?

Hey, at least I'm attempting to help.

I don't recall anyone
ever holding a sign

saying they missed me.

MIKE: Go somewhere and we'll miss you.
Here.

Use my phone,

and make sure you press
the right button.

We don't want to miss this
like we missed Sue's thing.

Wait, what thing of mine did you miss?

- [CAR DOOR CLOSES]
- [GASPS] Oh! He's here!

Okay, what are we gonna say?

How about, "Surprise!"

It's not a surprise.
He knows we live here.

Okay, then, how about,
"Here we are, as expected!"

Watch your tone.

Oh, so Dad has carte blanche
on attitude?

- [DOOR OPENS]
- [GASPS]

- Welcome home!
- SUE: Surprise!

I took your mattress!

Bon giorno, mi familia! Mi sei mancata!

[GASPS] He's speaking another language!

Oh, my gosh! So, how was it?

Don't leave out any details.

We want to hear everything,
but in English.

That sounded r*cist. I'll shut up. Go.

It was awesome. [CHUCKLES]

Goin' to see Lexie. Ciao!

♪

And... we're filming!

♪

FRANKIE: So, after his catch-up
with Lexie,

we finally caught up with Axl

at the time only time we could...

: the next night,

which was breakfast European time.

So, Kenny and I running
to get the train,

and he stops.

Next thing I know,
my train is pulling away,

and I see Kenny on a train

going in the total opposite direction.
[ALL GASP]

BRICK: So sorry.

On the plane on the way over there,

were they any manuals in the seat backs?

FRANKIE: Brick, we don't want
to hear about manuals.

We want to hear about Vienna.

No, we were in Venezia.

That's Venice.

Anyway, now,
I'm headed toward Firenze...

that's, uh, Florence... and all I know,

Kenny's headed to Roma... that's Rome.

Yeah, we had that one figured out.
Long story short,

I end up in a tiny
Italian village called Bondeno.

The station's closing,
my cellphone is dead,

I have no idea where Kenny is,

the only thing I can say
in Italian is "Fuggedaboutit."

This is insane.

I would be freaking out.

I went to meet Carly
at the wrong Panera Bread once,

and I called .

But I found the station manager.

I noticed he had a Yankees' hat on,

so I chased this guy down.

Not only does he speak English,

he invites me
to his family's restaurant,

and he gives me a manual
with all the train schedules

so I can figure out how to find Kenny.

Yes, you can have the manual.

As a matter of fact,
I brought everybody presents.

Mom, you're first.

Did you hear that, Mike? I'm first.

I've never gotten a gift
from a foreign land before.

Except when Rusty brought me back

those antibiotics from Mexico.

Pasta Paws from Guillermo's restaurant.

[CHUCKLES]

This way, you can really
get in there and

[ITALIAN ACCENT] mix up the pasta.

Wow!

Ooh, and they pick up cheese
faster than fingers.

Look!

Dad, got you a authentic
Bavarian beer stein.

- I like it!
- Mm!

With an authentic Bavarian beer.

- Now I like it even more.
- [CHUCKLES]

Brick, I got you "Planet Nowhere"

translated into French.

Wow! Do I still get the manual?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!

AXL: And last, but not least...

[GASPS] Huh?

Ah? Ah? Huh? [SQUEALING]

It's a grain of rice
with your name on it

and a tiny Eiffel Tower.

Oh! I love it!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, it's so...

small!

So much better than Dad's perfect mug

and Brick's really thoughtful
and cool French book!

[CHUCKLES]

Oh! [SIGHS]

Nobody move, and don't vacuum.

SUE: No danger of that.

Oh!

Hey, listen, Dad, I, uh,
know you weren't a big fan

of letting me go on this trip,

but anyways, I, um, I'm glad you did.

Just wanted to say thanks.

Well, I appreciate that, Axl.

So, now that you're back on home soil,

what's next on the agenda?

[ITALIAN ACCENT] A snoozy time.

[NORMAL VOICE] I am exhausted.

Yeah.

But hey, if I'm not up by dinner
tomorrow night, wake me up?

And if you're going to the store,

pick me up a jumbo conditionarre
y una champu grande,

per favore.

Mille grazie!

♪

I can't believe our son
travelled around Europe.

Our son on another continent!

And didn't you love his stories?
I mean, come on.

Those stories were great.

You never hear stories
like that in Orson.

I was kind of waiting for the story

that ended with him looking for a job.

What?

Mike, he just got home.

Yeah, after three months
of delaying looking for a job.

He wasn't delaying getting a job.

He was having an experience.

Look, life is not about things.

It's about experiences.

We wouldn't know that

'cause we don't have things
or experiences,

but clearly, it is!

If you say so.

Okay, what is wrong?

I thought you said
you were happy for him.

Briefly happy.
Now wanting him to get a job.

Well, obviously, he's gonna get a job.

Not with that thing
on his head, he's not.

Oh, that's just the way

the guys wear their hair over there.

Really? The guys do?

Okay, why are you so worried about this?

I'm not worried.

Giving him one more day

to relieve his European adventure.

Then I'm putting the hammer down.

Look, I respect your right
to put hammers down,

but I-I don't know if
we're in a hammer-down moment.

I think he's really matured.

He got himself all the way
around the world and back,

alive, without any help from us.

That's the bar now? Being alive?

Trust me.

I really believe that if we just
give him some breathing room

and he catches up on his sleep,

he's gonna prove me right.

Hey, he brought presents home for us.

He's never done that before.

I do like my stein.

Right? So, you're with me?

W-We don't mention "work"

or "job" or "search" or "résumé."

We just back off,
and we leave it up to him.

Pact?

Mm... Mm-hmm.

♪

Got to admit, kind of like the man-bun.

[SCOFFS]

You're drunk on cheese.

Sue Heck's summer can officially begin!

Whoo!

Oh, after straight shifts,
, hours,

and three birthday potato parties,

I am finally done working!

I've got north of bucks
in my pocket,

and that's after taxes!

I have 'em withhold the most

'cause I just love America so much.

Wait, your summer can begin?

Honey, you're going back to school

day after tomorrow.

Okay, here's the thing.

You know I love summer,

but I also had to work a lot
'cause we're really poor.

So, I made a list of all
the summery things I love to do,

and I am gonna knock 'em out
in the next two days.

- Want to hear?
- That's okay.

Hang out with friends,
learn how to whistle,

make my own bath salts,
enjoy a good beach-read,

fly a kite, binge-watch a show,

get ice cream from an ice-cream truck,

learn a summer sport,

wear jewelry made of cereal and
see if any of my friends notice,

get a tan...

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sue, there's no way
you're gonna get all that done.

[SCOFFS] I am getting it done.

I had two cups of Axl's
French coffee this morning.

Not sure if I made it right.

Do you know
if it's supposed to be chewy?

[GASPS]

The snow globe I found
in the garbage at school!

I have been looking for this!

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- Oh, it's Sean.

I'll get it!

♪

Hey, Suzy Q!

Hey, Sean! What are you doing here?

You know I don't have a dance to go to.

[LAUGHS]

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, I-I just heard Axl's back in town,

so I wanted to hear about his big trip.

Oh, he's actually on the th hour

of his afternoon siesta.

That's Spanish for "nap."

Wow, Mrs. Heck,
how very European of you.

Mm-hmm. I also eat real cheese now.

Well, I guess I could share

the news with you guys, then.

I just found out I got off
the wait list at St. Matthew's.

So, looks like
I'll be going to med school

in your neck of the woods.

Oh, congrats!

St. Matthew's? Really?

That's practically on our campus.

We share a bus stop and a - .

I know! [CHUCKLES]

[BOTH LAUGH]

Aw, that's so nice. You'll be together!

You two have always
had a special connection.

You're practically brother and sister.

Uh... yeah.

Okay, I guess I can catch up
with the a*-man later.

Good to see you, Mrs. Heck.

And... Ms. Q. [CHUCKLES]

I will see you on campus.

Not if I see you first! [CHUCKLES]

I don't know why I said that.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

I suppose I'll just eat lunch
at home, then.

Oh...

I guess I forgot to offer you something.

Just give me $ . ,

and I'll get some shrimp
on the way home.

♪

Well, looks like we might
be seeing the send of "Brindy."

What's Brindy?

Brick and Cindy.
Don't you guys call us that?

- S-Sure.
- No.

Yeah. I need to break up with her.

What? Why?

We just haven't been clicking lately.

Our conversations are stilted.

I gave her the "Planet Nowhere" quiz,

and she only got an .

She skims the descriptive paragraphs.

You can't do that.

Have you really
thought this through, Brick?

I mean, are you sure you want to...

Break up with the only girl
that ever liked you?

I'm just not sure I want to be tied down

going into my big sophomore year.

Big sophomore year?

Everybody knows sophomore year

is the most exciting year
of your high-school career.

Pretty sure it isn't.

Oh, come on...

all the movies,
books about sophomore year?

Everybody always saying,

"I wish I was a sophomore again"?

Bottom line, when I'm a boring senior,

I don't want to look back and say

I blew the most important year
of my life.

- FRANKIE: Axl!
- MIKE: Whoa!

- What's going on?
- Mercy!

AXL: Oh, my God.

Relax.

You Americans...
you're so hung up on nudity.

I could go to any beach
in Europe like this.

Please do.

AXL: You know, I don't even
sleep in boxers anymore.

Dad, you should try it.

Hey, I just got him
to stop wearing socks to bed.

[DRYER DOOR SHUTS]

So, it's : p.m.

Ready to att*ck the day?

Axl, now that you're home,
I need your help.

We were waiting for you to get back

because this is all our decision,

and I need everybody to weigh in on it.

Pronto.

That means, "Go on..."

I think.

Well, they're doing a huge ceremony

for the reopening of the Orson cow,

and they're burying a time capsule.

So every family
needs to choose a special item

to represent them for all of eternity,

and it has to fit into this box.

So we really have to give it
some serious thought

'cause years from now,

future Orsonites are gonna
dig it up and judge us.

[SCOFFS] years is nothing.

I saw ruins in Rome
that were million years old.

No, you didn't.

Really, Dad? Who was there... me or you?

Sue, Sue! I need you...

SUE: Sorry, Mom. No time.
I got to lay in the sun.

First half of summer, I forget
sunblock and get b*rned,

and then I peel in the second half...

a.k.a. tomorrow.

Okay, guys, we really
have to spitball on this

'cause it has to be
something meaningful.

Frankie, we trust you.
This is your thing.

Whatever you come up
with is gonna be great.

Oh!

What about our Tweety Bird sippy-cup?

All the kids used it,

and it has their little
teeth marks in it.

Oh, that would be cute.

Eh.

All right. That's it.

No more laying around for me.

I'm gonna go sit on the porch

and watch people walk by.

♪

[FLAMENCO GUITAR PLAYS]

SUE: Aww! That one looks like a dragon.

[GASPS] Pirate ship.

SUE: Giraffe-dog! Ha!

Hey, Axl, can I get your opinion
on something?

So, I've decided to break up with Cindy.

Whoa! You sure about that?

Well, you know, sophomore year.

The thing is,
now that I've decided to do it,

I'm not exactly sure how to do it.

- Why break up? Just add on.
- Bubbles!

You know, in France,

they got a girlfriend
for every day of the week.

- And they got more days there.
- Bubble! Bubble!

- Bubble!
- I don't think Cindy would go for that.

I don't know what to tell ya, bud.

Just, uh, get 'er done.

Grab Dad's stepladder, climb on up,

look Cindy in her eyes,
and tell her it's over.

- [ICE-CREAM TRUCK JINGLE PLAYS]
- [GASPS] Yes!

Nutty Buddy time.

[GASPS] Ow! Oh, oh!

Stepped on a pricker bush.

Wasn't on my list, but it could've been.

♪

- [KEYS JINGLE]
- Okay, I just found out

what the Donahues are putting
in their time capsule.

They took a family photo in the
same place every day for a year,

then Dottie made a movie of it,

and Sean wrote a song
to go along with it.

So their time capsule is perfect,

and, um, what do we have?

A chipped bowl, bent fork.

Oh, a note from Sue that says,

"Having a heavy period.

Please pick me up super tampons,"

which I now realize I forgot to do.

So, that's where we are.

More importantly, am I allowed
to tell the French chef

to throw away his bologna wrappers?

Mike, I'm serious.

This is our legacy.

We're not gonna be here forever,

and when we're gone,
will people remember us?

Will people remember
that the Hecks were here?

What if they don't
and we're erased from history?

I'm pretty sure
history will be fine with that.

[SIGHS] Okay.

[SIGHS]

I'm telling you,

take a two-hour bath
at least once a day.

Nothing like a good, long soak.

In other news,
I may have clogged your drain.

- [SHUDDERS]
- [SIGHS]

You know what, Axl?

Dad, I know.

I can see the way
you've been looking at me

ever since I came home.

Got something you want to say,

but you're holding back.

And you don't have to say it. I know.

I love you, too, papá.

[CHUCKLES] Mwah! Mwah!

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

So, I wasn't getting any help
on the time capsule,

and the one person who would
normally be all over it

was busy cramming in summer.

♪

Oof!

♪

Hey, Dad, I've been thinking.

I like your hair.

Might not be the flashiest style,

but it's consistent.

Continue.

I really need help
with this breakup thing.

You haven't talked to her yet?
Just get it done.

I'm trying.

I got some advice from Axl,

but I realized what works
for him might not work for me.

But then it occurred to me
you and I are very similar.

Okay.

So I was thinking you might be able

to shed some light
on this whole subject.

Look, Brick, I might not
be the right guy

to ask for breakup advice.

Why not?

Truth is,

I never really broke up with a girl.

I would just sort of grow distant

and let them sort of... drift away.

Come to think of it,

there might be a couple women out there

who still think
they're going out with me.

So you've got no advice for me?

Lock in that hairstyle.

♪

[CHUCKLES] Don't mind me.

Just making my signature summer drink.

[BLENDER WHIRRING]

[WHIRRING STOPS]

AXL: Not that I care,
but why are you trying

to cram a whole summer
into just two days?

Uh, because I spent the rest
of my summer making money?

Mm. [INHALES SHARPLY]

"Want to buy this.

I got to have that." Sue.

Sue, Sue, Sue. You got blinders on!

You got red, white, and blue
blinders on,

and you're missing the big picture.

You got a huge hole,

and you're trying to fill it with stuff.

Well, I've been on the other side,

and I'm here to tell you
money is not the answer.

Only thing that's gonna
fill that hole is love.

[SPITS] Can I borrow bucks?

This wine tastes like butt.

Hey! That's our special wine
from Missouri wine country.

You just tell them what kind of
berries you like and how much sugar,

and they make it for you
right on the spot.

MIKE: Ah, good.

We're drinking wine
in the middle of the day.

It's called enjoying life, unlike Sue,

who's working like a dog
on a hamster wheel

in a rat race to nowhere.

Don't say Sue's working too hard.

I admire her for having a plan.

I have plans, your mom has plans.

Everybody has plans.

We have a roof over our head
because of plans.

And I'll tell you something e...

Welcome home, honey.

[MIKE SIGHS]

[DOOR OPENS]

Well, I still haven't
broken up with Cindy.

This type of personal transaction

requires a level of social grace

that frankly, I do not possess.

Just have a glass of wine.

I find it really takes the edge off.

You got to help me, Mom.

Axl's advice was morally bereft,

and Dad's was spotty at best.

Oh, and just a heads-up...

I think he's still dating
a couple women.

So, Mom, if you were still
young and vital,

how would you like to hear,
"I'm sick of you,

your ears don't do it for me anymore,

we're in a rut,

it's dead, it's over, it's done"?

CINDY: Hello?

Brick? Is that you?

Oh, my God! I butt-dialed Cindy!

What on earth is my phone
doing in my pocket?!

I'm a dead man!

♪

Bet you want that wine now, huh?

♪

I need the TV asap.

I got to binge-watch " Reasons Why,"

and I'm only up to the fourth reason.

I got a bad feeling about it,
but I'm gonna stick with it

'cause I think it has a happy ending.

FRANKIE: Okay.

Did everyone pick the item

that means the most to them
so we can vote on it?

Oh, come on. Really?!

BRICK: If Cindy heard
what I think she heard,

a time capsule isn't the only thing

you're gonna be burying in the earth.

Oh, cry me a river, Brick.

Look at all this stuff
I still have to do.

Have you been paying attention at all?

Do you understand
the enormity of my situation?

If Cindy heard half the things

that I said on that butt-dial,

she's gonna be very angry,

and trust me,

you do not want to see her
when she's angry.

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Her eyes go black like a shark.

[ALL GASP]

CINDY: Hello, Brick. You called me?

Oh, did I?

Um, let's check my call history.

Uh, let's see.

I made two calls this month,

one to Troy and one to... oh, yeah, you.

I couldn't hear anything that you said.

That's why I came over.

Wait. So you didn't hear me at all?

No.

Oh, thank God. [CHUCKLES]

I'm breaking up with you.

[FRANKIE GASPS] We're in a rut.

Your ears don't do it for me anymore.

It's dead, it's over, it's done.

Brick, are you sure
that this is the right time?

MIKE: And place?

What are you talking about?

You guys are the ones who told me

that I was overthinking

and to just break up with her already.

So this was their idea?

Yes.

Is this because your mom
is so controlling

and your dad has no emotional depth?

- Yes.
- Is it because your brother and sister

sucked up all your parents' love

and they didn't leave any for you?

- Yes.
- Okay, whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't put this all on us.

And you could've put
a little more effort

into your "Planet Nowhere" test.

I can't believe this is happening,

and right at the beginning
of our big sophomore year.

Did we miss something?

And to think I let you see me hatless.

I am white with rage right now.

AXL: Uh, if she threw a baguette
at his head,

this could've totally happened
on the street in Paris.

You destroyed our love.

Now I'll destroy something you love.

No, not the microfiche!

[SIGHS]

[GASPS] Ow!

Damn it, I just got rid
of my other bruise.

[DOOR OPENS]

[DOOR SLAMS]

Well, that went
way better than expected.

Nope, nope, no, no, no.

No one's going anywhere.

No one's leaving
until we make a decision

about this damn time capsule.

SUE: Mom, I am sorry,

but I only have minutes left
of daylight in my summer,

and I still have to write
a letter to my future self,

master the art of the flirty text,

and lift a homeless person
out of poverty.

I am totally stressed out.

AXL: Typical American.

You spent your whole summer

chasing the almighty dollar
instead of living life,

and now you're full of bitter regret.

MIKE: You could stand

to chase a dollar or two
yourself, man-bun.

Mike. Yeah?

Oh, I forgot.

I'm not allowed
to talk about the big things

that are going on
in the house right now.

I got to talk about the little crap

that's happening years from now!

It's not crap, it's important.

Why don't you just put the TV in?

There's nothing on it that passes

for any kind of culture.

I told you guys a million times...

it has to fit
into the official box, okay?

Like... like this size, see?

Snowglobe size.

[SNOWGLOBE THUDS]

Anybody? Anyone at all?

BRICK: Sorry, I'm out.

They turned down Heartland's Hidden Gem.

I don't trust this town
to do anything that makes sense.

Oh, my God, Brick, get over it!

BRICK: You get over it!

Frankie, just pick something! Who cares?

I care! I care.

I am trying to create a legacy
for our family.

I-I want to know that
all the things that we've done,

all our pains and struggles
and laughs and sorrows,

everything that we shared,
th-that it won't be overlooked,

that people will remember
the Hecks after we're gone,

and that we will have
left a mark on the world.

And whatever that mark is,

it has to fit into this freaking box!

- Ah!
- Mom!

- Oh, my God!
- Not in my sophomore year!

♪

Come here. [GRUNTS]

Don't worry. It's not what you think.

I never had real cheese before,

and my body didn't know
how to process it.

I guess in the end, it took
a real-cheese fake-heart att*ck

for us to realize Axl was right.

We did need to slow down
and enjoy life...

be more like the Europeans.

'Cause really, who cares
what happens in years?

There's no better legacy
than knowing you've lived

every moment getting the most

out of the time
with the people you love.

And if Axl didn't mention
getting a job in a week,

we were gonna go American on his ass.

♪

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, hey, Sean.

You stopping by to wish me
a happy sophomore year?

Uh, I wa... I wasn't, but sure.

Congrats!

Anyway, my mom sent me over

to pick up your guys' time capsule.

Oh, um...

So, you miss being a sophomore?

Oh, yeah.

All right.

Here you go.

Thanks, Brickster. Weird, huh?

No one's gonna see
what's in here for years.

[CHUCKLES] Bye.