09x13 - Mommapalooza

[bunniefuu]

Stop listening to my phone calls!

What Cindy and I discuss is private!

Well, if you don't want me to listen,

don't talk so close to the wall hole!

Oh, yeah? Well, do you have
to pray so loud at night?

W... It was for the dwindling
rhino population!

Oh, thank God. You're finally
gonna fix the wall.

Would you mind fixing my side first?

I'm working on a rousing speech to stem

the inexplicable mass exodus
from font club.

I'm not fixing either side. You are.

- What?!
- Uh-oh.

I'm sick of you two fighting.

You're either patching the hole
or patching your mouths.

I don't care which.

W... But I came home
to relax for the weekend.

You know, college students today

are suffering record levels
of anxiety due to the rise

in parents' unrealistic
expectations for success.

Let me put your mind at ease.
We don't care.

But this kind of repair
is way out of my league.

I was only recently cleared
to use scissors.

Hey, you two put the hole in the wall,

you two are the ones
that are gonna fix it.

[SIGHS]

You know, we're still in the system

with Child Protective Services.

I make one phone call...

Get it done.

Okay, here's your hat, backpack, lunch.

But I'm tired.

I was up all night watching Randy Poteat

how-to-drywall videos on YouTube.

Can't I just stay home?

Nope, gotta go to school.

That's the way the world works, Brick.

I can't just stay home all day
and watch TV 'cause I'm tired.

FRANKIE: I lied. [SIGHS]

I was totally staying home
all day and watching TV

'cause I was tired.

CISSY: Good morning, Orson!

You picked a great day to join us.

Are you over ?

Ugh. Yes.

Do you feel overwhelmed with clutter?

Well, our friends in Sweden
may have a solution for you.

It's called dostadning...

otherwise known
as Swedish death cleaning.

- Swedish death cleaning?
- Yeah.

Apparently, in Sweden, when you hit ,

you're supposed to start
decluttering your life

so you don't burden your loved ones

with a bunch of stuff when you die.

I can't go back to the grocery
begging for boxes again.

Even they know you're never gonna clean.

No, of course not.

I'm saying, as I was watching
it, it hit me...

I'm that age.

I'm the age where the Swedes want me

- to prepare for death.
- Come on, Frankie.

Last week it was the Greeks

- and eating more olive oil.
- [SIGHS]

Why can't we just live like Americans

and die with a garage full of crap?

No, you're missing the point.

I can't be at the stage
where I'm supposed

to start shutting everything down.

I haven't even started living!

My life is halfway over

and I don't have anything to show for it.

- Half?
- [SIGHS]

Look, haven't we already
had this conversation?

Didn't we go through this when
you decided to quit selling cars

and become a dental assistant?

No, that was a job.

This is about my life having meaning...

about it being more than just
what I do for work.

Well, you didn't really
go to work today, so...

No, I'm telling you, Mike,
vegging out on the couch all day

was a real wake-up call.

It is time for me to start my third act.

Okay, just so I know,

how many acts do you think
are in this thing?

[SIGHS]

♪

Okay, I've watched every Randy Poteat

instructional drywall video on YouTube.

I know exactly what we have to do...

hire someone else to do it.

What? No, Brick, Dad is trying
to teach us a lesson here.

This is our fault. We busted the wall.

We should pay the consequences.

Well, you should. I gotta go.

Oh, no, you're not getting out of this.

Well, I have an early class tomorrow.

You're the one who's done the research.

Just get started
and I'll help you finish up

when I can get back.

Am I the only one who believes in you?

Yes. Yes, you are.

Well...

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God. You are not
gonna believe this.

Some of my equestrian friends
from Carmel are going skiing

in Sun Valley for the long weekend.

They wanna know if we're in on the condo.

We also have to send them

a few of our favorite
après dinner drinks.

I don't know what that means.

- It means "after."
- Ah.

Well, then I can afford to go
skiing après I win the lottery.

What? Come on. We have to go.

It's my birthday!

It was your birthday a week ago.

Yeah, that was one night,
but at my house,

we usually declare it Lexie Brooks month

and we celebrate for days.

Ah. Well, at my house,

we usually forget
it's someone's birthday,

then make a quick run
to The Frugal Hoosier,

where we end up with a cake that says,

"Happy First Birthday, Joey."

That actually happened once.

Okay, I understand.

It's just... are we... [SIGHS]

Are we gonna have to, like,
not do anything fun ever...

forever?

What does that mean?

I mean, I was totally fine staying in

and getting pizza every night

when we were both in college,

but now that you have a real job

and you're gonna be getting paid...

[SCOFFS]

Do you have any idea how little

entry-level plumbing supply
salesmen make?

Here, take a look at my bank account.

Oh, my God. Where's the rest of it?

Look, hopefully someday
my balance will eventually

reach a non-embarrassing level,
but I will never be a big baller

like your dad, with four
different vacation houses.

- Five.
- Seriously?

He just bought a ranch, but it's tiny.

It doesn't even have a motor court.

S-See what I'm saying?
You've got ranches.

I'm sitting here gluing
my shoe back together.

And it's not even Super Glue.

It's Frugal Hoosier Okay Glue.

I understand. I really do.

That's why I wish that you would
just let me pay for stuff.

Uch, I told you...
I'm not gonna be the guy

who takes money from his girlfriend.

Sorry, Lex, but if you're with me,

you're not getting someone
who can go skiing

and do all that "après" stuff.

But everything else you're
getting is "après" -tty good.

[SIGHS] I'm gonna go get us
some dinner I can afford.

I know it sucks for you
not to be able to do

all of the rich people stuff
you like to do,

but at least I have my dignity.

♪

Okay, get this.

I was at the mall
and I was walking by the area

where all the kiosks are, and
next to the hair-braiding one,

in front of the old Ann Taylor Loft,

there was this woman with a new kiosk,

and she was a life coach.

That's where all
your best life coaches are...

working a kiosk at the mall.

I'm telling you,
this woman was incredible.

I told her my situation,
and she got it, Mike.

She really got it.

We started talking,
and she was able to pinpoint

- all of my strongs.
- Your "strongs"?

Yeah, it's a more forceful word
for strengths.

It's a life-coaching thing.
You wouldn't understand.

So what do they call
your weaknesses, your "weaks"?

No. They call those "stretches."

Huh. So what's it gonna be now?

Restarting your beading business?

Baking organic dog biscuits?

Nope.

I'm gonna be a life coach.

W-Wait, what?

You just went to see a life coach.

Yeah, I went to a life coach,
and the life coach told me

I should be a life coach.

So, four hours ago,
you didn't know what to do

with your life,
but now you're gonna be telling

other people what to do with theirs?

Look, she said I was very
empathetic and understanding,

which are the exact qualities
you need to be a life coach.

See, you are not empathetic.

I would identify that
as one of your stretches.

♪

Okay, just so you know,
Randy Poteat is a fraud.

I should've been suspicious
when he also had a video

on how to give your cat a sh*t.

Brick, what are you talking about?

Well, Randy said straightening
the lines of the hole

will make it easier
to put on the drywall,

so I made a few small cuts.

Brick, what have you done to my room?

Tina?

[GASPS] Brick!

Yeah, but look how straight
the lines are.

[SCOFFS]

FRANKIE: So I set out to find clients
for my life-coaching business

and after a near arrest
in the Dairy Queen parking lot,

decided to try a place where people

definitely needed to get a life.

G- .

G as in Genesis.

♪ Adam and Eve
were in the book of Genesis ♪

♪ The garden of Eden is where
they met their nemesis ♪

Don't be tempted by the serpent.

[CLEARS THROAT]

How would you like to wake up
excited every day?

Hi, I'm Frankie Heck, life coach.

N- .

Yeah, I'm gonna need
that card back, though.

I only made one till I know if
I'm really gonna stick with it.

N as in Noah.

♪ The ark was built
by a guy called Noah ♪

♪ He gathered up all the animals
and said, "Let's go-ah" ♪

days and nights.

Bingo!

Okay! Well, let's, uh...
let's take a short break

so everybody can get some punch.

One announcement...
we found a lost denture plate

in the women's room, so, ladies,
keep your eyes on your teeth.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Frankie Heck,
I haven't seen you in a while.

And, uh, just so you know,
there's no soliciting

in the multipurpose room of the Lord.

Oh, hey, Reverend Timtom.

Oh, I wasn't soliciting anything.

Just making conversation. [CHUCKLES]

So, how ya been?

Um, yeah, good. Really good.

Uh, oh, Axl got his first real job,

and it's Brick's big sophomore year,

and, of course, every year
is Sue's big year.

She gave it a name, something or other.

I can't remember, but it's good.

Well, you just told me
how everybody else was,

but I was really asking about you.

Oh, um...

Yeah, I'm great, I guess. How are you?

Oh, I'm a week away
from opening my new show

for teens I've been working on...

"Listen to your preacher.
Don't date your teacher."

Really? Oh, that sounds great.

I love singing.

I used to sing... you know,
in the church choir.

And then I got some pretty good reviews

as Ozian number at the local theater.

I don't know if you
happened to catch that.

Well, now, this could be God

opening the window of opportunity.

I've got some harmonies
in the new songs I wrote.

I always think that the message
gets across better

when sung in multiple tones.

Maybe you'd consider joining me.

Oh, pssh. You don't want some old lady...

♪ Singing songs ♪

[LAUGHS]

♪

I'm singing with Reverend Timtom!

What happened to being a life coach?

Yeah, that's out.

- I don't get it.
- What's not to get?

I went to a life coach,
I became a life coach,

and I life-coached myself
into becoming a singer.

Good thing I only made one business card.

♪

[WHIRRING, HAMMERING]

How's it going in there?

Hey, Dad. Everything's going good.

- You guys are getting along?
- Yep. Yep.

- We are in this thing together.
- That's right.

Whatever credit there is for this

is shared equally between us.

Oh, no, Brick's being modest.

He's really done most of the work.

I'd say like %/ %.

Mm.

Okay, well,
whatever you're hiding in there,

just make sure you clean up afterwards.

We will. But remember,
quality takes time.

Measure twice, cut once.

A good carpenter never blames her tools.

Here's to good friends.
Tonight is kinda special.

All right, I'm out of here.

Hey, you wanna watch a movie
when I get back?

My treat. I got Kenny's Hulu password.

- Sounds good.
- [CHUCKLES]

Whoa! [LAUGHS]

$ .

Oh, my God!
That happens to me all the time!

You know when you find money
in your pocket from like a year ago?

Lucky you!

Huh.

Hey, Axl, did you order some steaks?

Uh, no.

Hmm. They must've been
delivered here by accident.

Oh, well, we better eat 'em
before they go bad.

Good thing I bought
baked potatoes and a salad.

[DOOR CLOSES]

What's this?

Whoa. Two tickets to see
Demetri Martin. For tonight.

Oh, my gosh.
Someone must have dropped them.

How lucky are we? We love him!

♪ At home or school or on the bus ♪

♪ There's always a better word
than a cuss ♪

♪ You can check the Bible ♪

♪ God never worked blue ♪

♪ He used clean alliteration
and so should you ♪

Don't curse.

[APPLAUSE]

♪

You guys! You guys! It went so well!

The church liked our duo so much
that they booked us

for a run of shows every Tuesday
in Multipurpose Room B

until the Easter musical!

That's pretty much residency,
like Celine Dion in Las Vegas.

I can't believe this.
I am living my dream!

To be fair, she works in a dental office.

Anything else is gonna seem fun.

- That's true.
- Yep.

I had never felt more alive.

And our gig... that's what
it's called... "a gig"...

was going so well that
Reverend Timtom booked us

on a worldwide tour!

♪ Be careful on the World Wide Web ♪

♪ Be certain of your Facebook friends ♪

♪ That dreamboat you're
in love with might not exist ♪

♪ You've been catfished ♪

[APPLAUSE]

♪ So keep it clean and use your brain ♪

♪ And be profound and not profane ♪

♪ Don't curse! ♪

♪ Sometimes it can seem like a chore ♪

♪ Family dinner ♪

♪ Uncomfortable and such a bore ♪

♪ It's a winner ♪

So we ended our whirlwind tour,
and I was exhausted.

We had traveled over miles.

[ HORN BEEPS]

Can I interest either of you in dessert?

Um, I don't know.

Lexie, is it included
in the "free dinner for two"

gift certificate you just happened
to win from the radio station?

Which also just happened
to be to the restaurant

we both said we'd always love to go to.

It is. Uh, we'll have
two chocolate molten cakes.

Whoa! Where ya goin' with that,
buddy? I'm gonna need that.

Axl, in a nice restaurant,
they bring you another one.

Oh.

It's okay.

You don't know fancy places,
but I'll teach you.

Oh, yeah? Planning to win a lot
more contests for fancy dinners?

All right, what is with you?
You've been weird all night.

[SIGHS] I'm not an idiot, Lexie.

I've only seen $ bill once in my life,

concert tickets don't just
fall on the ground,

steaks don't magically
appear at your door,

and I don't know anyone
under the age of

who listens to local radio.

Uh, I do.
I totally listen to local radio.

It's my jam.

Look, you either want to be with me...

and my bank account... or you don't.

Of course I want to be with you.

I just don't understand why
you have to be so stubborn.

I just don't want to be
your trophy boy, okay?

Well, I'm sorry,
but when you love someone,

- you want to be able to sh...
- Wait.

You love me?

Oh, God.

Oh, it just kind of slipped out.

Is it too soon?
Should I not have said it?

Oh, my God. Oh, um...
pretend I didn't say it.

I'm just gonna go die
in a hole somewhere.

Lexie...

In nice restaurants,
are you allowed to kiss?

♪

I, uh...

I love you, too.

Okay, so, what do we do?

Dad didn't give us enough
drywall to fix a hole this big.

He's gonna freak out.

I'm not gonna lie.

It's gonna be really rough for you.

Me? You're the one who did this.

Well, you're the older sister
who left her little brother

to do major home repair on his own.

Besides, if Dad flips out,
I can just play the quirk card.

I shrug, I look confused,

throw in a few whoops and whispers,

lick something if I have to...

I'm off scot-free.

Oh, my God. You're diabolical.

I am not diabolical.

[WHISPERS] Diabolical.

[NORMAL VOICE] It's so easy.

[WHISPERS] It's so easy.

[NORMAL VOICE] Okay,
that one wasn't planned.

Ugh! Come on, think, Sue, think!

[SIGHS]

[GASPS] Wait!

♪

Ah...

♪

"Sue Heck for Historian".

"Sue Heck for Library Representative".

"Sue Heck for Cafeteria Liaison"?

Yeah, I tried to create
an office for myself,

and I still lost to a write-in.

Some guy named Joe Schmo.

How's this gonna help us?

We use the poster board to fix the wall.

If we patch and paint it right,
no one will ever know.

♪

"Sue Heck for East Indy Student Council"?

Oh, that one's for next week.

I really think I'm gonna get it.

Hmm.

- Ohh.
- Mmm. Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm.
- Oh! I almost forgot.

I finally got my birthday card

- from my parents.
- Mm!

Today is the last day
of Lexie Brooks Month.

"To our daughter on her st birthday.

The world is better
because of your smile."

Aww.

What's this?

"Dearest Lexie.

When I turned , my dad gave me
$ and cut me off,

and it was the greatest gift
he ever gave me.

We believe in you and can't wait
to see what you do.

Go out into the world and make us proud.

Love, Dad."

Is this for real?

They're not cutting me off, are they?

I mean... It's okay.

You're not used to being poor,
but I will teach you.

♪

[WHISPERS] What are you doing?

♪

- Sue?
- SUE: Wait, so Lexie's cut off?

Does this mean no more apartment?

No more name-brand cereal?

No more beignets flown in
from New Orleans?

No, Lexie talked to her parents.

They're still paying for the apartment

and her tuition, but that's it.

But, hey, we shouldn't worry about Lexie

'cause Mom's gonna be a rock star, right?

Then we'll all be rolling in it.

BRICK: I know, right? I don't get it.

It's like she's trying
to recapture something

she never captured in the first place.

I always thought of Reverend Timtom
as a one-man show.

I'm worried this is gonna hurt his brand.

How 'bout that face she makes
when she sings?

The thing she does with her jaw?

It looks like she's being electrocuted.

[LAUGHTER]

Oh, did you guys see her in my hat?

She looked ridiculous.

It's clearly a guy's Italian hat.

Worst part? She thinks it looks good.

[LAUGHTER]

- She does.
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

She does.

Just down the hall.

Hello, there, Frankie Heck.

Ready for our gig in Greencastle?

Oh, I had to add a new verse
to the anti-vaping song.

The studies are coming out
faster than I can write.

Yeah, I-I don't think I'm gonna go.

I-I just have too much
going on around here.

There's this whole Swedish
cleaning philosophy

I've been meaning to get into.

And, hey, you're better off without me.

Really? Huh.

Well, cheese and crackers.
That's too bad.

And I was working on a new song
for us, too.

Oh, my God. Reverend Timtom, you're here!

Oh, I mean, oh, my gosh.
What the hell is with me?

Oh, I mean, heck!
What the heck is with me?

Geez. I mean... Sue, it's fine.

I was just here to pick up
your mom for our gig,

but for some reason she thinks
I'd be better off without her.

Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking.

The whole thing's kind of silly.

I'm just gonna put on a robe
and make dinner.

Oh, uh, grilled cheese
and tomato soup for me.

- Make it two.
- Can I have one with tater tots?

[SIGHS] Yeah.

Hey, you know, uh, before you do that,

would you all mind giving
a listen to my new song?

I'd love to get some feedback on it.

Sure.

♪ Moms are people, too ♪

♪ She had hopes and dreams
before she had you ♪

♪ Like maybe The Virgin Mary
wanted to play soccer ♪

♪ Or travel the world on a whim ♪

♪ But when Jesus came along,
it all became about him ♪

♪ And all the angels sang,
"Moms are people, too" ♪

♪ And how often do we say thank you? ♪

♪ She could've been a shepherd
or a fisherman ♪

♪ Or maybe starred in a Broadway show ♪

♪ But her family came first
and she let it all go ♪

♪ To drive you to school through
the rain, sleet, and snow ♪

♪ And use her own sleeve
to wipe your runny nose ♪

It's not often a song hits
that double sweet spot

of being super catchy,
while also making your family

feel horrible for how
they've treated you.

Yep, after that,
they really supported me.

♪ Moms are people, too ♪

♪ She had hopes and dreams ♪

Okay, yeah, that didn't happen.

They weren't that supportive.

But they did give me a gift.

♪

Of course, after a few weeks,
it got left by the phone

and turned into a message pad.

Then it got jelly spilled on it.

And then I dropped it in the tub

and then I lost track of it.

And then I started dodging
Reverend Timtom's phone calls

'cause it's a lot, you know?

Plus, there's so much good TV
on these days.

Wall-a!

See, it sounds like I'm saying voilà,

but I'm really saying wall-a.

Wall...

Anyway, the wall is done.
Thanks for stopping by.

Fantastic.

Couldn't have done it any better myself.

It's a little wet.

Okay.

Well, congratulations. I'm impressed.

Yeah. No need for compliments.

We learned our lesson,

and that's all that really matters!

Whoop! Whoop! Not my fault.

[WHISPERS] Not my fault.