09x18 - Thank You for Not Kissing

[bunniefuu]

Seriously? Why are you doing this now?

I have to finish an invoice.

This is not like homework.
I have to do this.

[SIGHS] We're down to
two forks and a cup,

so I am scouring the house
for dirty dishes.

Last night, I ate macaroni and cheese

off an old record album.

If I don't do this, I have to
break out the wedding china.

- What's this?
- I dunno.

"Dear Mr. and Mrs. Norwood,
thank you for the wallet.

I really..."

"Dear Mrs. Purdy, thank you

for writing a recommendation for..."

For what, Axl? You didn't finish it.

Oh, my God.

There's millions of
thank-you notes in here!

Are you telling me
you didn't send these out?!

I didn't know where they were.

If you'd rake more often,
this wouldn't be a problem.

I don't believe this.

This is for your
high school graduation...

money for your birthday...

What?! This is from when you were !

I'm sorry, but you always said

thank-you notes got to be
more than one sentence,

and two sentences is hard.

One of them is "Thank you."
How hard could that be?

And look at this...

I even addressed the envelopes for you

and put a stamp on them!

Oh, my God, Mom! You're making
way too big a deal out of this.

All I'm saying is that
when people take the time

to give you something,

you should take the time
to say "Thank you."

It's just what people do.

Nobody cares about things

as much as you care about things.

Well, you should care!

Now, you are gonna send out
these thank-you notes,

even if they're eight years too late.

And if anybody asks you, you
tell them that this is on you,

because I did my job.

I will take the hit
for sporadic flushing,

but I am not a bad parent.

The school called.
They want us to come down.

Seems like there's a problem with Brick.

[SIGHS] You couldn't have
told me that outside?

♪

Oh, I can't eat the bottom.

But I can't bring myself
to eat the head, either.

That's too sad.

Alright, I'll start at the bottom.

Oh, no. 'Cause then they see
themselves without a body.

That's worse.

Oh. I almost forgot...
guess who I ran into yesterday.

Never mind. I'll just
tell you... Sean Donahue!

Is he back from spring break?

He must be, 'cause I saw him in the quad.

And he says "Hi."

Hold on. Did he say, "Hi,"
or did he say, "Hi"?

Somewhere in between the two.

He was also slightly annoyed

'cause I ran up and jumped on his back,

put my hands over his eyes,
and said, "Guess who."

I thought we were
jump-on-the-back friends,

but I guess we're not there yet.

Aw.

Okay, listen, uh...

there's something
I've been thinking about.

I told my mom, and she said
it was a good idea,

but I wanted to run it by you.

Oh. Go.

Well...

I have decided
to give Sean my snow globe.

You know, 'cause he always calls
me his special snowflake.

So I figured I would just do it
and tell him how I feel

and that I liked the kiss.

I liked it a lot.

[INHALES DEEPLY] What do you think?

I think it's a great idea.

I'm so happy with Luke,
and I want you to be happy

so I don't have to subvert my
happiness when I'm around you.

Alright, let's leave it to the fates.

If the next jellybean I pick is
green, then I'll go for it.

[SQUEALS]

Yellow. I said "yellow," right?

- I heard "yellow."
- Yeah.

Well, I'd like to
thank you both for coming down.

And... And let me just start by saying...

this is not my favorite thing to do.

This is uncomfortable for everyone.

Look, this isn't our first rodeo,

so just tell us how weird,
how inappropriate...

And how much it's gonna cost.

Here's the thing... um...

seems he's been incessantly...

making out... all over school.

W-With a person?

What?

Not with a locker?

No.

Brick and this girlfriend
of his, they, uh...

well, they just go at it all the time.

Mike! [SCOFFS]

And based on Brick's
previous social interactions

and the fact that
he now has a girlfriend,

it just... well,
just how far he's come...

you know, n-normally, I would let it go,

but I had my ass handed to me
by the principal.

Apparently, all the work
we've done together has, uh,

emboldened Brick and his girlfriend

to make out
in... in inappropriate places.

He... He can't be the only one
making out in the hallway.

No, but he is the only one making out

during a prayer vigil.

So far, the administration
has been lenient,

but if it happens again, well,
there will be consequences.

For him or for us?

Three-day at-home suspension.

Then for us.

And I don't want to see Brick hurt.

Truth is, of all the students
who've come through my office,

he's the one I'll remember the most.

You know, I even like to think

that we're somewhat similar, you know.

I was not always the heppest cat
in school. [CHUCKLES]

But I think it's nice that Brick
has found someone in Cindy,

just as I, myself, have reconnected

with the love of my life... Shelley.

Don't let anyone tell you
that stalking doesn't work.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, thank you. Uh, thank you so much.

And we take this very seriously.

I mean, this is troubling
to both of us...

mostly Mike, 'cause
he's in charge of the boys.

♪

- You got the snow globe?
- Got the globe.

You know what you're gonna say?

I know what I'm gonna say.

Uh, but I don't want to say it right now

because I've practiced it
in the mirror a thousand times,

and I don't want it
to sound over-rehearsed.

- Okay, teeth check.
- You're good.

- Booger check.
- Clean.

Okay, this is it, Brad.
This is really it.

[EXHALES DEEPLY]

♪

Who's that?

Oh, then you see her, too?

It's probably nothing.

I mean, she looks older... like .

Sean's .

Yeah, but she doesn't even look
like a college student.

Sean's not in college, either.
He's in medical school.

Well, maybe it was purely a medical hug,

like, uh, like a front Heimlich
or something.

I didn't see any food
sh**ting out of her mouth.

Oh, my God. Brad, how am I
supposed to compete with that?

Okay, maybe she's older
and more mature and womanly,

but you've got this... whole
panda thing working for you.

♪

I still can't believe Brick
making out all over school.

- Mike!
- What?

I can't be happy my kid's
getting a little action?

No, it doesn't work that way.

Look, if you're a football player

and a cheerleader making out
at school, it's cool.

If you're president of the Font Club

making out with a girl that's feet tall

wearing a safari hat,
it's just a freak show.

I-I mean, you know Brick.

You know he has issues with social cues.

Oh, come on. We've had so many issues.

Can't we be done?

When are we out of this thing?

Well, we had kids, so never.

Look, you're gonna have to talk to Brick.

What? Why me? Why do I
got to talk to him?

'Cause a guy needs to hear
this kind of thing from his dad.

You know, all that stuff
about how to treat a lady

and what's appropriate and PDA.

Did you cover any of this
when you gave him the sex talk?

You didn't give him the sex talk?

I didn't think we'd have to!

Well, you have to, Mike. You have to.

[CELLPHONE CHIMES]

♪

Really? You sent out
a group thank-you text?

What?

I just got a text from Nancy

saying she got a cute text
thanking her and other people

for gifts or services
they may have given in the past.

Oh, good. I'm glad she liked it.

By the way, Mom,
it took, like, one second.

Yeah, I know it "took, like, one second,"

'cause it shows!

You didn't even spell out "Thank you."

You texted "THX," the number ,
and the gift emoji.

You... You literally phoned it in!

Times have changed, lady!

I'm not being lazy.
It's called "being efficient."

You're just mad 'cause you got to
use the biggest font on your phone

and you still have to squint to see it.

Ha ha. I'm old.

Okay, look, here's how
it's gonna go down.

As long as you are living here rent-free

and I am busting my hump
to pay for your cereal

and your fancy shaving cream with aloe,

you are gonna write
those thank-you notes on paper,

with your own hand,
and it's got to fill the page!

Are we clear?!

[MUFFLED] Okay! Fine!

[SIGHING] Oh, my God.

Axl, I just raked under there!

[GROWLS] Go away!

♪

[SPORTING EVENT PLAYING ON TELEVISION]

[SIGHS]

[TELEVISION SHUTS OFF]

What's wrong?

What do you mean?

You turned off the TV
when a basketball game is on.

Is Mom dead?

Why would you say that?

Well, the last time you turned off the TV

when a game was on, Aunt Edie d*ed.

Look, nobody's dead, okay?

The school called me and your mom down

to talk to Dr. Fulton.

Word is, you and Cindy

are getting a little frisky at school.

Oh, yeah, when I was
making out with Cindy,

I saw him lurking around
out of the corner of my eye.

He was trying to talk to me.

Who talks during a prayer vigil?

[SIGHS] Well, the can
got kicked down the road to me,

so I think it's time
for a little father/son chat.

I, uh...

I assume that Axl has told you about sex?

Yeah, I'm up to speed.

I had a little mix-up on a health quiz.

Turns out there are no outside ovaries.

Let me save you some embarrassment.

We don't have them.

I'm aware.

But there's some stuff
that maybe Axl didn't tell you.

For example, you should always
have respect for women,

and make sure that you ask consent.

You know, you got to ask
permission before you...

Touch her ears?

Uh...

Y... sure. Yeah.

But my point is, whether
it's ears or anything else...

- I'd stick to ears...
- Mm-hmm.

"No" means "No."

- Got it?
- Got it.

Okay.

Oh, plus, there seems to be this issue

where you're... making out a lot.

But making out's so enjoyable.

It took me and Cindy
a while to figure it out...

watching couples in the park helped...

but now I know what I'm doing.

We move our lips now.

Congratulations on that,

but you know how
every time I kiss your mom,

you guys say, "Ugh! That's disgusting!"?

Yeah.

Well, that's might be
how other people feel about you.

So, out of respect for other people,

no kissing in front of them at school.

Or at home.

The woods is good.

Or, uh, any alley, behind a Dumpster.

You should feel a sense of shame.

That's how you know
you're doing it right.

[CLICKS TONGUE]

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

There must be something in here

that makes me look more mature.

What about this?

We all love ice cream,
but we don't have to wear it.

Ohh, yeah.

Look, are you sure we're not
jumping to conclusions?

I mean, we don't even know
who this woman is.

Maybe, but it made me realize...

Sean's only gonna see me
as Axl's little sister

because I'm still dressing
like Axl's little sister.

You know, I'm now.

I need to start dressing
in a way that shows

I am a capable and confident woman.

Then we should probably get rid
of the bumblebee sweater.

But it's the only thing that
goes with my bumblebee pants.

Yeah, about those...

Oh, yeah. I know. I know.

It's just... I don't know.
I like being a little different.

And I like that my outsides

reflect the way I feel on the inside.

No one's saying
you have to lose your Sue-ness.

Polka dots are good.

Just not "Put Me in the Zoo" polka dots.

[SIGHS] You know, it's a blessing

I didn't get to tell Sean how I feel.

I'm not ready.

I need to be more sophisticated.

Now let's pretend we're at the end
of a shopping montage and I'm fixed.

- How did you get me there?
- Okay.

Well... I'm seeing you
as a Jessica Chastain type

with a touch of Emma Stone...
but with hats.

[GASPS] I love hats!

[CHUCKLES]

BRICK: No.

Sorry. Just cutting through.

Brad's teaching me how to dress.

Hmm. Dad's teaching me
how to kiss girls in the woods.

Ohhh.

♪

[SIGHS]

Hey, Brick. What do you think of this?

"Dear Uncle Ralph, thank you
for the Spider-man lunch box.

I found it quite useful
in transporting my sandwich

to my place of education.

The thermos was especially useful

in keeping my liquids chilled."

How does that sound?

I think you know the answer to that.

Urgh! I'm trying to use a lot of words

'cause Mom says
I have to "fill the page."

Well, Axl, it's not that hard.

Just write the way you talk.

Okay. Here's how I talk... this sucks!

I didn't ask for any of these
stupid presents. They just came.

Did baby Jesus have to write
thank-you notes to the Wise Men?

Was Mary all on him like,
"Oh, thank you for the myrrh.

I'll be sure to use it
next time I put myrrh on stuff."

Actually, Jesus did
the ultimate thank-you.

Yes, but he didn't
have to write anything.

[SIGHS]

FRANKIE: Having gotten the sex
talk with Brick out of the way,

Mike went back to doing
what was really important...

trying to get another
, miles out of his car.

[SIGHS]

Did you tell Brick to stop kissing me?

W-Well... yeah.

No. Not in so many words.

How many words did you use?

Look, the school has a policy...

So you're trying
to pin this on the school?

Since your little interference,
Brick's grown distant.

He won't make out before school,

he won't make out in science class

when we dissect the frog.

We always make out over the frog.

Okay, see, that right there...

I know what you're doing here.

Just because the love has d*ed
in your marriage

doesn't mean you have to k*ll ours.

What?

I've heard the stories...

floating anniversaries, no flowers,

sleeping in separate bedrooms.

Hang on.

That's right. I know you've been
sleeping in Sue's room.

That was just for a couple
a nights when Frankie's mom...

Hey, I don't have to
explain myself to you.

Fine. You're happily married.

When's the last time
you kissed your wife?

That's what I thought.

Now, can I put you down for a popcorn tin

for the Woman's Leadership Club?

Sure.

♪

Mm-hmm.

Uh-huh.

Okay, if you want to be more adult,

it's not just about
your clothes and makeup.

It's also about how you conduct
yourself in conversation.

Okay. So, I'm gonna say key words

and see how you react to them.

- Dolphins.
- [GASPS] I love dolphins!

[SIGHS] We all love dolphins, Sue,

but instead of gasping,
you might talk about

how they're endangered because
they get caught in drift nets.

Now let's try another one.

Double rainbows.

[GASPS] I love double rainbows!

That is not fair.

Even a single rainbow,
I would get excited about.

Some people say they're God's sneezes.

Or... you might say,

"Rainbows are lovely,
and we're lucky to enjoy them.

And I also appreciate
they stand for gay rights."

Now one more.

Glitter.

[STIFLED GASP]

[SQUEAKS]

[STRAINED] It... just
gets everywhere, doesn't it?

[CHUCKLES] Better.

[SIGHING] Ohh.

Whew. [CLEARS THROAT]

♪

Hmm.

[TAPPING]

Axl, how much longer is it gonna
take you to finish those?

Turns out I'm not
a woods or alley kind of guy.

I need a private place to bring Cindy

now that the school won't
allow us to make out anymore.

Thinkin' I'll be done
by the end of the day.

[SIGHS] Great.

With the first one.

What?! That'll take forever!

Mm. Gonna let you in
on a little secret here, Brick.

Your brother, which you
look up to like a god,

has got one weakness...
writin' things good.

Oh, boo-hoo. You're bad at one thing?

I'm bad at a million things.

But I have one girl in the
universe who wants to kiss me,

and I can't, because you can't
write a thank-you note

from when you were years old?

Eh.

Here. Give them to me.

Really? Oh, yes!

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. Eh!

Well, at least, here's one you
don't have to worry about...

handkerchiefs from Aunt Edie.

You're about three years too late.

It's too bad. She would've
appreciated it, too.

Oh, well.

♪

♪

You know what, Brick?

Let me take another sh*t at those.

Really? Okay, but pick up the pace.

I'm dating a tall wall
that needs a Brick.

♪

Aah!

Owww! What the hell?!

Well, you scared me!

Aah. Wow. Did you
take a class or something?

What were you doing?

I was gonna kiss you.

Why?

'Cause I realized it's been a... while,

and I was trying to be romantic.

You're the one who's always harping on me

to be more romantic.

Fine, but don't be lurking
behind me, like a serial k*ller.

Used to be you'd send me some signals.

You'd put on that song,
you'd light a scented candle.

I knew where things were going.
I had time to shave stuff.

Forget it.

Hey, it was only an hour ago
you told me my pee smelled.

Sorry if I'm not in a romantic mood.

Never mind. Moment passed.

♪

[SIGHS]

You know what, Brick? Have at it.

Kiss Cindy wherever
and whenever you want to.

You're gonna be old before you know it.
It goes by fast.

And if they give you any trouble
at school, I got your back.

Hm.

And what you may not know is,

the symbol of the unicorn
has greatly impacted cultures

throughout history.

Obviously, we all know they're not real.

Even if a little girl on cold medicine

once thought she saw one out her window,

she did not.

Excellent.

But just to be super picky,

you were playing with your hair
the whole time.

Ugh. Seriously?

Ugh! I didn't even realize
I was doing it.

Okay, um...

Maybe if I keep my hands
in my back pockets.

No. Or under my armpits?

Okay, this is crazy. [SIGHS]

Sean either likes me
for who I am or he doesn't,

and if he doesn't, it's not meant to be.

There.

You have just become
Jessica Chastain before my eyes.

Just one little thing...

I did some light snooping
on your competition.

Her name is Kelly Marie Dannemiller,

and she was Oklahoma's Junior Miss,

second runner-up
to America's Junior Miss.

She spoke out against human
trafficking, and she yodels.

Did you want to know that?

I don't even care. It doesn't matter!

I am taking the snow globe over to Sean,

and I am telling him how I feel.

No more chickening out.

Okay. Good.

Then I'm not even gonna tell you

she's self-taught on the ukulele.

Good for her.

Mm!

Hey-oh! Booyah!

Ba-bam.

I crushed it.

I was funny, I was heartfelt,

I acted like I knew these people.

See, doesn't that feel good,
that sense of accomplishment?

So good.

Signed, sealed, you deliver.

What do you want me to do with them?

You got to take them to the thing...

you know, where you take things?

The post office? You don't know
what the post office is?

I've heard of them.
Do they still have those?

[SCOFFS]

Never mind. Just give me
the address. I'll Waze it.

Nobody knows the address
of the post office.

We just know where it is.

And what is Waze?

[GROANING] Oh, my God.

♪

♪♪

Hey, you got mail on the counter.

Oh, yeah? What's it say?

How would I know? It's addressed to you.

Mm.

Ooh.

"Dear Axl, so nice to hear from
you after all of these years.

Your thank-you note
brightened my day with laughter.

You always were a charming fellow."

[CHUCKLES]

"Here's $ . Treat yourself to a video.

Uncle Ralph."

Aww. Uncle Ralph's a great guy.

Don't forget to write him
a thank-you note for that money.

♪

- [WHIMPERING] Noooooo!
- Unfortunately for Axl,

he got more responses,

totaling $ ... all requiring thank-yous.

Well, it's like they say...
"No good deed goes unpunished."

♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

♪

Hey, Suzy Q! I'm so glad to see you!

- Y-You are?
- Oh, my God.

You're not gonna believe this.
I literally just got it.

This second... the e-mail. I'm in.

I got accepted to the Delman Fellowship.

- What?!
- In Ghana!

- What?
- Yeah!

I applied for it so long ago,
I practically forgot.

I didn't think I'd get in.
I got to call my friend Kelly.

She's the one who told me
about it in the first place.

Her husband did it a couple years ago...

said it changed his life,
made him a better doctor.

Ohhhhh.

So... I'm leaving in a month,

and I'm gonna be gone all summer.

[SINGSONG VOICE] I'm going to Ghana!

[CHUCKLES]

Well, if you got into Ghana,
you gotta go to Ghana.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

- Ahhh!
- [LAUGHS]

- [CLANK]
- Oh! Oh!

Whatcha got in there?

'Cause if it's a bottle of
champagne, break that puppy out.

Oh, no. No. Not champagne.

No. No.

But Ghana! Wow!

I know. I'm so pumped.
It's such a great program.

And they do a lot of charity work, too.

So...

♪

I guess when it comes to young love,

timing is everything.

But when it comes to old love,

it's really about putting in the effort.

[GLEN CAMPBELL'S "WICHITA LINEMAN" PLAYS]

♪ I am a lineman for the county ♪

MIKE: Frankie!

One second!

♪ And I drive the main road ♪

♪ Searching in the sun for another... ♪

[GRUNTS]

♪ ...overload ♪

♪ I hear you singin' in the wire ♪

Be right there!

- ♪ I can hear you through the whine ♪
- [SINGSONG VOICE] Almost ready!