09x19 - Bat Out of Heck

[bunniefuu]

What are you doing?

Looking for spoons.

I'm finally back up to three.

If I can find two more,

then we can all eat pudding
at the same time.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, my God.

Nobody's ever been
this interested in me before.

I'm looking for spoons.

She wants us to eat pudding.

I don't want pudding.

Me neither, but it
seems important to her.

Nobody has to eat pudding.

I am just using that
as an example of something

that a family with
a normal amount of spoons

could eat together.

[SIGHS]

All right, what is this?

Oh, that's an order form.

I need to sell boxes of peanut brittle

to raise money for the sophomore class.

It's due in two days,

so you're going to need to
hustle to sell those at work.

[SIGHS] Brick,
I can't sell peanut brittle

at a dentist's office.

Not with that attitude.

[SQUEAKING]

- Did you see that?
- See what?

I don't know. I just saw something.

Hmm. You're digging

in a backpack looking for silverware,

you're seeing things,

you're wearing one slipper.

You're this close to being that lady

who wanders around the highway median.

Actually, she wears two slippers.

I'm going to need your keys for tomorrow

so I can make sales calls.

Why is there a spoon in here?

Oh, good. That's four.

Okay, Mike, I'll drop you off
and take your car.

I don't like this idea.

I don't get dropped places. I drive.

Relax, Fred Flintstone.

You can drive to your work,

and after you get out,
I'll drive to mine.

Why is he Fred Flintstone?

Because he's acting like a caveman.

I thought it's 'cause
he works in a quarry.

I thought she meant 'cause
he powers his car with his feet.

If Fred Flintstone moves the car
with his feet,

why doesn't he just walk at that point?

'Cause if he walks,
he can't listen to the radio.

They didn't have iPods back then.

They didn't have radios, either.

Obviously, you've never seen the show!

I'm not going to miss you guys
when you move out of the house.

I know I'm supposed to, but I won't.

I can't let you take the car, anyway.

I got a lunch meeting.

[SIGHS] Oh, no. I hate
having to get a ride in

with Dr. Goodwin.

He thinks it's rude to honk,

so anytime a car in front of us
doesn't move,

he yells, "Toot toot!"

Well, it's only going to be

for another couple of days

because I'm trading in

the 'Bago for a car.

Seriously? A real car?

You're really going to say
goodbye to the 'Bago?

Yep. End of an era.

I'll miss it.

It went with the general
poverty theme we got going.

Yeah.

Listen... You make sure,

when you go in there, you know

what you're looking for.

You need snow tires
'cause you drive in winter.

- Yes, I know I drive in the winter.
- Okay.

FRANKIE: Unfortunately, whenever you have

two grown men in the house,

one has to assert his dominance
over the other,

and, in our case, it was
always gonna be Mike.

You're gonna want
to k*ll the heat on that

or your eggs will be chewy.

- [CHATTER ON TELEVISION]
- [LAUGHS]

[VOLUME DECREASES] Keep
it at for sports,

for regular TV.

You don't squeeze. You roll.

We're not made of toothpaste.

Now, listen to me,
you don't want to set foot

in a car dealership

until you've done your research

and you know your price.

We should talk about this.

Uh, of course we should.

Hey! Here's my other slipper.

What is this doing in here?

[CHUCKLES TRIUMPHANTLY]

Who's crazy now, huh?

You saw that, right?

Now, before we end,
I have these applications

for the Franklin Butterfield

Hotels and Resorts Scholarship.

It's very prestigious
and very competitive.

I don't want to discourage

any of you from applying,

but, well, I would discourage

any of you from applying.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

Hi, yeah, excuse me.

Um, I'm interested in the scholarship.

Oh. You understand nobody from East Indy

has ever made it to the finals.

Well, then, I guess we're due.

- [SIGHS]
- I just don't want you

to have unrealistic expectations.

If you can dream it, you can do it.

That's actually from a poster
on my wall at home.

I also have one that says
honesty is the best policy,

which is why I felt compelled to tell you

about the "dream it, do it" thing.

♪

[SQUEALS]

♪

Thanks again for the ride.

It won't be for much longer.

Axl's buying a car.

Oh, I enjoy the company.

But can you do me a favor and ask Treeva

to stop going through people's
lunch in the fridge?

With this whole #MeToo movement,

I'm too nervous I'll say something wrong.

Sorry, but I can't get up
in anybody's grill today.

I have to ask people
to buy peanut brittle

for Brick's class.

Ooh! I'll take some!

You will? Thank you.

How much do you want?

How much you got?

Well, he's supposed to sell boxes.

Sold!

What? No, you don't have to buy all .

I want to. We're friends.

I mean platonic friends.

My eyes are on the road,

and I don't notice that
you smell like honeysuckle.

[SNIFFS]

Oh, Axl.

Okay, so, I'm applying
for this scholarship,

and it's really hard to get,
and I really want it,

and I need three words
to describe myself.

Annoying, dorky, looks good in hats.

You think I look good in hats?

[GASPS] Aww.

[DOOR CLOSES]

You really got to talk to your husband.

Ugh, why?

'Cause he's on me all the time lately,

just looming over me.

You know, he thinks anything
I do he can do better.

[CHUCKLES] Like the song?

What song?

"Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better."

Never heard of it. Don't sing it!

I just need you to talk to him.

Why don't you talk to him?

'Cause I can't talk to him.
He'll be all like...

[GROWLS]

I don't know what that means.

- I think you do.
- I totally do.

That's why I'm making you

be the one who has to talk to him.

♪

[CAR DOOR CLOSES] Okay.

The / may not work anymore
as a pick-up spot.

Apparently, you are not allowed
to refill your coffee cup

with Slurpee. [SLURPS]

Oh.

Oh, you don't have
the peanut brittle with you?

What? Oh, no, Brick has to order it.

Oh. You didn't say that.

Kind of had my hopes up
for some peanut brittle.

[SLURPS] Really?

Oh, I thought you were just being nice.

No, no. I'm Southern...
I love peanut brittle,

and thought I was gonna get some today.

[CHUCKLES]

So, when's it coming in?

[SLURPS] I don't know.

Can you call Brick and find out?

- Yeah, sure.
- Yeah.

[SLURPS]

I mean, now.

[CHUCKLES]

♪

♪

Okay, my professor said
this was going to be hard,

but it's really hard!

There are essay questions.

Listen to this... "What hotel trends

do you see in the year ?"

How should I know?

We've never stayed in a nice one!

Other than Disney World
for that one night,

the only places we've ever
stayed are the kinds

where you drive right up to the door

and we carry our clothes
in paper bags to the room.

Okay, before we get too deep into this,

I'm going to need to
take it back on the hats.

Axl, I don't need your approval

on whether or not I look good in hats.

I'm just putting this down right
here because my head is hot.

Okay. I am so mad at Dad.

He's always telling us what to do.

Don't you hate that?

I love that. I love Dad's advice.

He is so wise.

Okay, if Dad is bugging you,

then why don't you just talk to him?

'Cause it's him. I don't want to run into

the big, plaid, bossy wall.

Okay, I hardly ever
get annoyed at Mom and Dad,

but when I do, I just
imagine that they're dead

and then when I realize that they're not,

I run up and hug them.

That's lame.

♪

Did you get those chips I wanted?

Uh, no.

See? What did I say before you left?

"Write it down."

You didn't and you forgot.

I didn't forget. They were out.

They were out?

It's what I said.

The entire Frugal Hoosier? Out of chips?

No, Dad, I'm lying to you.

It's how I get my kicks.

Look, I didn't forget any chips.

If there were chips,
you would have chips,

but there were no chips,
so I didn't get the chips.

But I did not forget the chips.

I forgot the chips.

Did you remember my juice boxes?

They were out.

Look, Dad told me to write down chips,

and I didn't,

and if he finds out I forgot them,

he'll never let me hear the end of it,

and I really need to hear the end of it

because he's been on me
like crazy lately,

and don't tell me you love Dad's advice!

Well, he doesn't talk to me.

Well, then, you're lucky,

because he's all up in my business

all the time.

Ah, I see what's going on here.

It's nature.

The younger male challenging
the older male,

the older male swiping back.

It's two rams locking horns
on a mountain,

two lions in a pride
fighting for dominance.

Usually, the younger lion
will k*ll the older lion,

and then that lion would have

the female lions in the house
to mate with.

Ew! Nature is messed up.

Look, I just need your help, all right?

Because Dad won't
believe me about the chips.

He shouldn't believe you. You're lying.

He doesn't know that!

I think he does.

Well... That's where you come in.

I am going to pretend
to call the Frugal Hoosier,

and you're going
to pretend to work there.

Look, I'm changing your name
in my phone to "Frugal Hoosier"

instead of "Dork Nerdington."

I'm in your phone?

So, when I call you,
put you on speaker phone,

you pretend to work there

and say, "We're out of chips."

Wouldn't it be easier
to just talk to him directly?

No, trust me. I know
what I'm doing here, okay?

Using my brother to pretend
to be the guy at Frugal Hoosier

is the smart way to handle this.

♪

Look, Dad, I feel like

you weirdly don't believe me
about the chips,

so I'm gonna call the Frugal Hoosier

- and prove it.
- [DIALING]

I really don't care that much, Axl.

- [RINGING]
- No, no, no. I want to.

BRICK: [SOUTHERN ACCENT] Frugal Hoosier,

deli department.

Dustin speaking.

Hello, Dustin.

I was just there,

and you said you were out of chips?

What? Out of chips?

Hey, Harry. We out of chips?

Sorry, man. We're out of chips.

But we do currently have
a special on sub sandwiches...

buy three feet, get three feet free.

Okay. Thanks, man. Bye.

Sounds like a good deal on subs there.

You got to take a good deal
when you see one.

Why didn't you think to bring one home?

I did.

Shut up.

[SQUEAKING]

Sue, did you hear that?

What? The sound of my dreams
crashing down to earth?

The sound of the voices in my head

telling me I'm a failure?

No, it was more of a squeaky sound.

Mom, this application is due tonight,

and I am a wreck.

You know, I had a dream I didn't get it,

but then I woke up,
and I was so relieved,

but then that turned out to be a dream,

and I woke up again,
but then that was a dream!

I'm not sure I'm awake right now.

Well, whether you get it or not,

we're just so proud of you for trying.

But I don't want to just try!

I want to win! But how can I?

Is my last name "Hilton" or
"Marriott" or "Comfort Inn"?

No! I am just plain old Sue Heck.

[GASPS] You know,
it's these stupid posters

giving me false hope.

Yeah! Who was I to think
I could reach for the stars

or go out on a limb?!

- Sue!
- People fall off limbs!

Yeah! People die in space!

Gah!

Sue, Sue, stop.

I know you can do this.
You just need to calm...

- [SQUEAKING]
- Do you hear that?

♪

FRANKIE: I'm the only one
who hears it or sees it.

I feel like I'm in an old movie

where the husband is trying

to make the wife think she's crazy,

but I don't see Mike
going to that trouble.

[CHUCKLES]

[BRAKES SQUEAL]

Frankie, are we gonna talk
about the elephant in this car?

Huh?

The peanut brittle. Where is it?

[LAUGHS]

Seriously?

Um, I... I don't know.

Um, you don't know?

Well, where I come from,

when money is exchanged
for goods and services,

said goods and services are rendered.

I'm sorry.

I don't think I can drive you
to work anymore.

In fact, I have half a mind
to make you walk.

What?

But I am too much of a gentleman.

♪

Park it in spot .

And take care of her. She's my baby.

♪

What...

♪

Dr. Goodwin, isn't this kind of...

Had to do it, Frankie.

Tough love.

[SIGHS]

So, you just drove his car?

Well, he's a gentleman.

SUE: Mooooom!

Great news, great news, great
news, great news, great news!

♪

[DRAWER RATTLING]

I am a finalist for the scholarship!

- [GASPS] Oh, my God.
- What scholarship?

They're interviewing the top people,

and I'm one of them.

They think I have a "quality."

Can you believe it? I have a "quality"!

So, the CEO guy is going to be Skyping me

tomorrow night our time
because he's overseas.

[GASPS] Oh, I am Skyping
someone overseas!

Yeah. Things are happening for me!

Oh, how could I ever doubt myself?

How could I doubt my posters?

You know, I will reach for the stars.

I will hang in there, kitty.

I will go out on a lim... Aah!

Ooh!

I'm okay.

So, Axl was finally doing it.

He was trading in his beloved 'Bago

and buying a car.

Unfortunately, he wasn't alone.

PETE: Hey, you're
Frankie's family, right?

Yeah.

How is she?

You know, after she quit,

we hired a woman way worse than her.

She was what you call
a functional meth-head.

Anyway, tell Frankie that.
It will make her day.

So, what can I put you in today?

Well, I want to trade in
my vintage Winnebago.

The aged patina only adds
to its rustic charm...

Look, we'll get bucks
for the Winnebago,

you'll sell it for $ ,

so you're making $ right there.

You're asking $ , for this,

you're probably into it for $ , .

Let's split the difference
at $ , and call it a day.

Sold.

♪

[GROANS]

Oh, my God!

Okay, my interview is in one minute,

and I need a nice background,

and there is not one wall in this house

that doesn't have a cr*ck or a hole

or a boy booger on it.

How about in front
of the breezeway screen?

Um...

Oh, my God.

If you take this one foot
of our house out of context,

it almost looks elegant.

Okay, okay. This is not a drill.

- [RINGING]
- The interview for the scholarship

that will set me on the path
for the rest of my life

is going to start in three, two...

- [COMPUTER DINGS]
- Boom.

Hello?

EVAN ACKERMAN: Sue Heck, hi.

First, on behalf of everyone

at Franklin Butterfield Hotels
and Resorts,

congratulations on being a finalist.

- [DOORBELL RINGS]
- [GASPS]

Thank you, Mr. Ackerman.

I am so thrilled to be chosen.

I know how special
the Franklin Butterfield...

It's Friday, Frankie.

#TimesUp.

♪

♪

You got a really good deal there.

Want to grab a beer to celebrate?

I'll spring for a name brand.

[CHUCKLES] Are you kidding me?

What?

This is my car.

Yeah, I know, but I always drive.

Oh, that's right. You always drive.

And you always know
the best way to cook eggs

and to squeeze toothpaste
and to get a deal on a car.

You know everything and I know nothing.

It's just like that song.

What song?

I don't know. Apparently, there's a song.

What's your problem?

You're still treating me like a kid!

I don't need you to tell me
how to do things anymore.

You're telling me all the time.
You're making me nuts.

And I know I'm the younger lion
and I'm challenging you

and we're supposed to "lock horns"...

Lions don't have horns.

You don't need to tell me
that lions don't have horns!

Well, you just said...

I know lions don't have horns.

I just want to drive my own car.

Look, I'm older than you.

I know you think you know best,

but there's still a lot more
you have to learn,

and it's my job to teach you.

It's been my job your whole life!

Okay, so, is that how it's gonna be,

like, forever?

'Cause you'll always be older than me,

and Grandpa Big Mike will
always be older than you,

and there's a guy in Jasper
who's like .

He'll always be older than all of us.

Maybe he should drive us home.

What do you want?

You want me to just stand there,

watch you do dumb things,
and not say anything?

[SCOFFS]

Maybe they're not dumb.

Maybe they're just different.

[SIGHS]

If I was bothering ya,

why didn't you say something?

I don't know. 'Cause...

[SIGHS]

It's hard. You're my dad.

I guess I haven't figured out

how to tell you stuff
like one adult to another.

Well, you did a pretty
decent job right there.

♪

♪

[ENGINE STARTS]

It's faster if you take...

Eh, you know where you're going.

I'm sorry, but we just don't
have your peanut brittle yet.

What peanut brittle?

What do you mean, "What peanut brittle"?

What does he mean,
"What peanut brittle"?!

What kind of grift are you two running?

SUE: Well, one trend I've noticed

is that, uh, millennials
are always looking

for a communal space to socialize.

[QUIETLY] Dr. Goodwin, can we
go outside and talk about this?

Sue's on a very important...

[LOUDLY] I don't want to go outside!

I just want my Genuine
Georgia's Best Peanut Brittle!

Why?! Dr. Goodwin, you are being insane.

Do you not understand
the way the world works?

Your co-worker comes in and guilts you

into buying some crap thing
from their kid.

You do it out of obligation,

not because you want the crap thing!

Nobody in the history of buying
kids' school-fundraiser crap

ever wanted the thing!

And it's not made in Georgia!

It's made by the Thronk Corporation

in Toledoooooh!
[SQUEAKING]

Aah! Whoa!

I knew it! I knew I saw something.

- [ALL SCREAM]
- SUE: That's why I think

design is so important
to a younger clientele.

- Honestly...
- ALL: Whoa!

See? I knew I wasn't crazy.

There's a bat in the house. Do something.

You're older and wiser
and always will be.

I will watch and learn.

There's a fishing net in the yard.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Um, uh, because I think people my age

place more importance on concept

than they do on space...

ALL: Whoa!

Whoa, your house is nasty!

EVAN ACKERMAN: That is
a great quality for us.

Oh, well, I am sooooo happy to hear that.

A lot of the time, people think
they're not as emotional

and don't realize how important

- the little details are.
- [CHUCKLES]

Right.

EVAN ACKERMAN: And they also
don't understand...

All right. So, it's in Axl's room.

Axl's room? Really?

Not the time, Brick.

Okay, we need a plan.

We can throw something hard at it.

Have you baked anything lately?

Stand back!

Where I'm from, we know
how to do two things...

make cocktails and get rid of a bat.

Step aside.

Now, I'm gonna go in there.

No matter what I say,
no matter what you hear,

do not open this door.

- [BAT SQUEAKING]
- Oh, Lord!

- Go back to Hell, where you came from!
- [GLASS, OBJECTS BREAKING]

What do we do?

Well, he did say not to open
the door no matter what.

DR. GOODWIN: I don't want
to die in this room!

Tell my mom I love her!

It's done.

[ALL SIGH IN RELIEF]

- [BAT SQUEAKING]
- [ALL SCREAMING]

♪

What I hope to bring to the industry

- is a unique voice...
- [SCREAMING CONTINUES]

...and confidence, always.

[CHUCKLES]

- Whoa!
- I got him! I got him!

[BAT SQUEAKING]

[SCREAMING CONTINUES]

Okay, you almost got him, Mike!

Ooh, you missed him!

No, you got him now. Get him!

Ooh, you almost got him.
Oh, you missed him!

I know I missed him!

I don't need color commentary.

How about a little help?!

And that's why I think we should...

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Uh, we should...

I'm sorry, I don't know
what I think we should.

Uh, my mind is completely blank.

Okay.

Mr. Ackerman. I am so, so sorry.

I wanted this scholarship so badly.

You have no idea how badly.

And the only reason I haven't
given you my full attention

is because, while I have
been talking to you,

I have been dealing with this.

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

[BAT SQUEAKING]

Die, you filthy varmint!

Aah!

[SIGHS]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

♪

Um, now it's hanging
on the breezeway screen.

Now it's eating the cereal.

Right out of the box?

Guess he couldn't find a spoon, either.

Hey, thanks for trying to help.

I'm sorry I yelled at you.

[CHUCKLES] No, you were right.

I was acting a little crazy.

I think I just wanted that peanut brittle

'cause it reminded me of home.

But you know what?

Tonight kind of reminded me of home...

chasing a bat,

sitting on the front lawn
with good friends.

The only thing missing was...
Well, you know...

Don't worry, we'll get you
that peanut brittle.

Damn right you will.

SUE: Okay, I'm still
kind of processing this,

but you are looking
at the newest recipient

of the Franklin Butterfield
Hotels and Resorts Scholarship.

I got it!

- Oh, my God!
- Are you kidding?! [CHUCKLING] Hey!

- Oh, Sue!
- Wow!

After all that?

Because of all that.

He said that if I can stay
that calm under pressure,

I would be perfect
for the hotel industry.

Apparently, it's a stressful business.

He also said that bats are
surprisingly common in hotels.

That seems disturbing,

but I'm just gonna savor this victory.

Oh, honey. We're so proud of you.

Yep, it wasn't easy, but you did it.

Yeah. Actually, Dad, I did it for you.

Me?

Yeah.

I have always felt so terrible

that you had to sell your diaper business

to pay for my school.

So I promised myself that,

if there was ever a way
I could pay you back,

I would,

so when that scholarship money comes in,

it's yours.

All $ of it.

Yeah.

Oh. Well.

Does she have any idea
how much college costs?

[Mouths "No"

FRANKIE: So, it was a crazy night.

But Dr. Goodwin was right.

It was kind of nice to be out on the lawn

on a warm spring evening

with your family and your dentist boss.

And, after about two hours, the bat left.

'Cause let's face it...

nothing stays in our house by choice.