09x23 - A Heck of a Ride

Episode transcripts for the 2009 TV show "The Middle". Aired: September 2009 to May 2018.
"The Middle" follows the daily mishaps of a working class, middle-aged, Midwestern, married woman and her semi-dysfunctional family and their attempts to survive life in general in the city of Orson, Southwest Indiana.
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09x23 - A Heck of a Ride

Post by bunniefuu »

AXL: Don't turn on the light.

I have something to tell you guys

and it's hard enough as it is.

I don't wanna have to see your faces.


I'm taking the job in Denver.


MIKE: Are you crying?


Aw, come on, now.

So... is this, like, a, uh, "hold me" cry

or a "get me a Kleenex" cry,

or "I'm fine with you
goin' in the other room,

grabbin' a beer, and watching
'SportsCenter'" cry?

Just let me know what you want me to do.

[CRYING] Leave me alone.

Wait. Hold me.


No, don't hold me.







So, those cookies you keep in
the nightstand there,

wha... what exactly do those do for ya?

They make the sadness go away,
and they help me forget

that my son is planning to move
halfway across the world.

I'll try one.



Yeah, hold me again.






Good morning.

Hey. You're up early.

Yeah. It's a beautiful day.
The sun is shining.

Might as well get up and enjoy it.

You're still high on cookies.

Li'l bit.


Um... hi.

So, you were awake when I opened
your door last night?

I sure was.

So you remember about the...

Denver, and the...


I sure do.

And I didn't get to say it last night,

so I'm gonna say it now.

Congratulations, honey.
I am so proud of you.

- Hoo!

I think I just breathed for
the first time since yesterday.

[LAUGHS] But, look,
it's still a ways off.

I mean, they don't even need me
to start till June th.

Oh, cool! Great.

That means we have time
to get you ready and do stuff.

Hey, do you want me to make you

a homemade breakfast to celebrate?

Huh? Freezer pancakes? Freezer eggs?

I will stick anything
in that microwave that you want.

Freezer eggs sound good.

Okay, you got it.

So... have you told your brother
and sister the big news?

No, I was thinking
maybe I could Snapchat 'em.

You know what? Why don't I knock
that off the list right now?

Axl, they're right down
the hall. You gotta tell 'em.

Ugh, it's gonna be a whole thing.

Can't we just put on a movie the day of

and I can sneak out past 'em?

- That's how Dad would do it.


Pbht. Okay! I have to tell
you guys something.

Sue, get in here!

Oh, no. It's Denver, isn't it?

You're going. No! Staying. No! Going!

My heart is beating
like a rabbit. Just tell me!

I've decided to take the job.

[SOBBING] Noooo!

I thought I'd be okay once you said it,

but I'm not okay.

I am really not okay with this, Axl.

You know, I know we fight,
and you're mean and insult me,

and you spray cheese up my nose
when I'm asleep,

but I don't want you to move away.

And Denver's far. It's really far.

- Uh... Brick?


Did you hear what I said?
I'm going to Denver.

I heard.

Do you know if this is
a load-bearing wall?



Do you know how long it is
before you have to go?

About a month.

That's barely any time!

I know! [SOBBING]

I mean, in that time, I bet you
wouldn't even miss your bed

if we just moved it down to the basement.

- What?
- I might want to turn this whole area

into a reading lounge,
and it seems impractical

not to move the heavy stuff

while we still have the manpower.

Axl. Just [SNIFFLES]

Just promise me that before you go,

we'll have a moment.

You know, like a real
brother/sister moment.

Isn't that what we're doing right now?

Whatever you're doing, can you
move a scosh to the right?

Brick, do you not get it?! I'm leaving!

Like, moving out of the state!

- I know.
- And you're just worried

about moving the bed?

- The... Oh, my God. Ugh!

The bed I slept next to you in
for your whole life?

This is our room, Brick.

We shared secrets and stories and...

- Sue! Stop crying so loud

so I can hear Brick!


FRANKIE: So, Axl had only
days to tie up loose ends,

and the first on that list was
learning to tie an actual tie.

Oh, Axl. Got a moment for our moment?

Sue, seriously, this is not happening.

We are not making binders.

We are not doing
"Axl and Sue the Final Journey."

We are not wearing buttons
with our faces on them.

I know all the family
is sad about me leaving,

but people are just
gonna have to deal with it.

Look, it doesn't have to be a big thing.

Just one moment.

One quality brother-sister
moment before you go.

That's all I'm asking for.

Relax, Sue. We got, like, a whole month.


- Uh-oh.
- Brick?

What the hell?

- What the...

I've had my eye on this bookcase

in the back room
of the library for years.

I never had space for it, but now I do.

In my zeal to bring it home,

it's possible I may have
misjudged the size.

Dude, I still need to get in here!

Oh, my God.



[STRAINING] How did you do this?!

I don't want much, but when I do,

I really want it.


MIKE: Axl. Axl!

You try. [SIGHS]

Okay, but this was not our moment!

[SIGHS] This e-mail you
printed out from Hinterlands

was still in the printer.

Oh, yeah, thanks.

When did you say they need you
to start again?

What? I told you, June th.

This says / .

Yeah, / , June th.

/ is May th.

[SCOFFS] I don't think so.

Uh, I do think so.

Are you sure?

Axl, it's not really up for debate.

Five is definitely May.

No, no, no, no, no.
That doesn't make sense.

What about Cinco de Mayo? What?

Well, cinco is six in Spanish,
so May is the sixth month.

I know 'cause that's how I remember.

Cinco is not six.

Uno, dos, tres, quatro, siete, cinco...

I don't care what it is in Spanish!

The fifth month is May.

January, February... No, wait.

days has September...

- It's May.
- Just let me tell you my system!

Let me tell you my system! It's May!

Your first day of work is in four days!

- Really? - What?!
- Yeah, really.

So, stop standing there
like Bobo the Executive Boy,

put some pants on, and start packing.

- What about this one?
- Unh-unh. Not good enough.

You know, when you're moving,

some boxes are better than others.

You want your dry goods... cereals.

Oh, your toilet-paper boxes
are the belle of the box ball.

You see one of those, you snag 'em fast.

You guys, I told you,
I don't have that much stuff.

I could just use trash bags.

No way. We're sending
our boy off in style.

That's why we're in an alley

behind the Frugal Hoosier
trolling for boxes.


This is the only one
I could find back there.

[SCOFFS] Unh-unh, Randy.
I am not buyin' it.

I think you're holding out on me.

Now, I didn't want
to have to use my pull,

but we are members of your
Frugal Hoosier Miser's Club.

Mere points from achieving
Tightwad status.

Yeah. You got kids?

Would you want to send your son

off to a prestigious new job

with all his stuff
in a cruddy little onion box?

Actually, I thought I'd send
my kid off with luggage.

- Hey, Randy, check the 'tude.

Now, I don't know if you're
saving 'em for sledding

or building a fort for your kids,

but I know you got a secret stash.

So why don't you march yourself

back to wherever you're hiding it

and bring mama the good stuff?


Axl, go watch him.
We don't have a lot of time.

We still need to get
to Bed Bath and Between.

New job, new sheets.

Gonna send our boy off right!


Frankie, I gotta tell ya, I'm shocked.

You're handling this really well.

Am I? Am I?

You think I want to be up
to my knees in d*ad fruit,

trying to make it easier
for my son to move away from us?

I do not, but I have to.
And do you know why?

'Cause boys want
to get away from their moms.

Right now, when he's living
here, he has to see me,

but the minute he moves away,
he holds all the cards.

If I get too clingy or too naggy,

you think he's gonna want
to come back for the holidays

or pick up the phone when I call?

No. I gotta be cool.

It's like a freakin'
Miss America pageant,

and I am being judged at every turn.

One wobble, one misstep, and I am out.

My son decides to move
halfway across the country,

can I complain? No.

I gotta just glue
that bathing suit to my ass,

slap that Vaseline on my teeth,
and smile, smile, smile.

Hey! There he is.

Ooh, looks like you scored
some winners there.

You know what? We did so well today.

Why don't we celebrate?

How about we grab a brewski

- at Goobers on the way back?
- Really?

You want to get a drink
in the middle of the afternoon?

Uh, yeah, I do! I'm cool.

I'm way cooler than you think I am.


Can I, uh, talk to you a minute?



You know, obviously,
I'm leaving in a couple of days,

and I won't be seeing you guys
for a while...

- Uh-huh.
- ...which is kind of a big deal.




Why do you think Brick
isn't gonna miss me?


I don't know, Axl.

I'm not really focused on Brick
right now.

Kinda more focused on you.

Which you should be. So why isn't Brick?

Axl, I'm pretty devastated
that you're leaving, so...

Which is the right response,

so what do you think is up with Brick?



So, are you gonna ask him, or...

With one day to go
and the house in chaos,

it seemed the bookcase

was the only thing that wasn't moving.

Damn it!

- FRANKIE: Any luck?

The answer to that question
will forever be "no."

I don't know how the hell he did it,

but he really wedged this in there.

I may have to take off the doorjamb.

No, you can't!

It has all the markings of
the kids' heights as they grew.

That has to stay here forever,
especially now

when we're all feeling so sentimental.


Excuse me. Pardon me.

Look, it's not ideal,
but it's not un-ideal.

I say we embrace it
and call it a happy accident.

That's true. We embraced you.

Wait, what?

Nothing. Enjoy your library.

AXL: May I please see
my siblings in the kitchen?!

[MUFFLED] Oh, everybody. Gather 'round.

All right. Listen.

I don't know if you remember,
but Hinterlands

is giving me a sweet
company car, which means...

I'm not gonna need my car in Colorado.

- Really?
- Then how are you gonna get there?

We're driving him there.
We're all gonna drive him there.

- Oh!
- Uh, nobody talked to me about that.

I can't just pick up
and go at a moment's notice.

Do you got plans?

I got books. That's better than plans.

It's gonna be fun, Brick.

We're all going together as a family

to kick your brother out of the nest.


I don't know what this infatuation is

you have with family car trips.

Nobody's happy on them.
We like them only in retrospect.

Well, that's true
about anything with family.

- But... we do it anyway.
- Fine.

But I need some assurance that I
won't have to sit in the middle.

AXL: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You gotta sit in the middle, Brick.

- That's your spot.
- Not anymore.

My feet are on the hump, you two fight

and pass food across me, and I'm sorry,

but a busted seatbelt
tied in a bow is not safe.

I officially call the window seat.

- You can't call it.
- And yet I just did.

Yes! Axl has to sit in the middle.

I've been putting together
a scrapbook I want to show him,

and this way it can rest
on both our laps.

It's long. You'll like it.

Look, we can talk about that later.

The point is, I no longer need my car,

which means one of you two
lucky recipients

is about to be the proud owner
of a brand-newly acquired,

mid-sized, style-free, gray sedan.

Wait, wait, wait.

If anyone's getting the car,
it should be me.

I'm older. No, I should get it.

You already have Aunt Edie's car.

Whoa, hey! I've already decided
who's getting the car.

Okay? The winner of this competition.

Okay, Axl, that is ridiculous.

We're not a couple of trained poodles

just waiting around to dance...

First question!

What's my favorite sandwich?

I know this one! Cereal on white bread.

Sorry. You didn't buzz in.

Buzz! What is cereal on white bread?

I didn't know I had to buzz in.

What game show do you not buzz in?

Moving on to general family knowledge.

Which hip is the site of Mom's
mysterious bruise?

- The left!
- The right!

Buzz! You're both wrong. It migrates.

Hey! Mom is on the board!

Hey, Dad, you want to get in on this?

We're playing for my car.

If I want your car, I'll take it.

- I paid for it.
- Yeah.

MIKE: Well, I paid for your life, so...

All right, next question.

Does Sue or does Sue not
keep her old braces

in a drawer next to her bed?

[GASPS] How did you know that?

Buzz! Yes.

Wow, Sue. That was supposed to be easy.

I was throwing you a bone on that one.

Speaking of bones, what is my most

clever reference to Sue as a dog?

[GASPS] Oh! Licks up my own barf.

- Buzz! Licks up my own barf.
- That is correct!

And the judges would have
also accepted "pees on trees."


What game did we play
when we were out camping

where we used all the old game pieces?

MIKE: Battleboggleopoly.

Wha... Dad, that's not fair!

Are you playing or not?!
Is he playing or not?

Also, what's the rule about buzzing in?

'Cause sometimes you only accept buzzes,

and sometimes you don't accept buzzes...

For the lightning round,

what did I get Sue for her st birthday?

Oh! I know the answer!

Nothing. The answer is nothing!

Buzz, nothing! What is nothing?

Ooh, I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

The correct answer is...

- my car.
- W-What?

Yeah. Brick gets the consolation prize...

my inflatable palm tree.

- And Sue gets the car.

Ah. Ah! Really?

Oh, my God! Thank you!

Axl, thank you! Thank you so much!

- [GASPS] Oh!
- Yeah, whatever. It makes sense.

It's not a big deal. Don't make
it a bigger thing than it is.

I like the inflatable palm tree.

I'm doing a little microfiche
niche where your bed used to be,

a "fiche-niche," as it were.

A palm tree will hip it up nicely.

All right, thanks for playing, kiddies!

I'm gonna go pack.
I'll see you on the flip side.



Brick? [GROANS]

What are you doing?

I'm saving my seat for tomorrow.

Since you refuse to respect
the fact that I called it,

I will occupy it until we go.


Brick, it's our last night
sleeping in our room.

Don't you want to spend it like
we spent the last years?

Side by side, as brothers,
talking into the night?

Come on, man. Where's your heart?

With the rest of my body in a
window seat, and it's not moving.

All right, fine, you're not gonna come

to our room, I'll come to you.



- Smartie?
- No, thanks.

Can I say something?

I'm leaving tomorrow,
and it kinda feels like

you care more about your bookcase

and your redecorating
and your "fiche-niche"

than you care about me.

You had, like, superhuman
strength getting my stuff out.

It, um...


...kinda hurts my feelings.


My whole life, I've been
breathing your sweaty sneakers,

l-living with cereal bowls everywhere,

your hair everywhere,
wet towels on my bed.

I never really had anything
that wasn't yours already

or anything that didn't have
something to do with you.

And if that's ending,
then I'm trying to figure out

what my room is without you in it.

I don't know.
You're like my arm or something.

Like having to suddenly learn
to write with your left hand.

You get that, right?

Yeah, I do.

Wait. Just explain that arm
thing to me again, though.

I'm saying I'll miss you.

Yes, that's what I thought.

Just didn't know if there was
another part to it.


I feel the arm thing about you, too.

Are you two having a moment? Seriously?!



I can't believe you!

I have been asking you
repeatedly for a moment.

And now I come out
and you're just throwing out

moments like they're beads at Mardi Gras!

Oh, my God! Sue, I gave you my car!

What else do you want from me?

This! I have been asking all week!

There are so many memories
we have to relive...

I don't have my pad with me right now

because I didn't know
this was happening...

but the Chancellor's Ball,

when we got our wisdom teeth out
and it was so funny.

You giving me your football jersey

and Woofy Dog and a fork.

You rescuing me off the cow and
then us going to Dairy Queen.

And then tonight, you gave me your car...

which was so nice because I know
I didn't have the points...

but you don't let me thank you or hug you

and when I try to tell you I'll miss you,

you just run to go get a box,

or you say you have to go
to the bathroom, or you...

Oh, my God, Sue, don't you get it?

The goodbye thing is hard for me, okay?

Maybe hardest to say to you.



Wait. You went to Dairy Queen without me?

We went to a buttload of places
without you.

You were born last.

We had, like, a whole life without you.

Yeah, we did, Brick.

But I'm still glad you came along.

Really? You are?

I always heard it was hard
being the middle child.

Are you kidding me? I love it.

I always felt lucky in the middle

because I get to have an older brother

and a younger brother.

I get to be a big sister
and a little sister.

The middle is the safest place to be.

You got love on both sides of you.

Hey, if you'd like that feeling tomorrow,

I hear the middle seat has just
recently become available.

Oh, nice try, Brick.

Huh. I guess Mom and Dad knew
what they were doing after all.

Axl had Sue, Sue had me,

and I had a whole family waiting for me

when the Fergusons
finally brought me home.

I guess three's a good number.


Three just feels right.

It's all that fits in the back seat.


I just had my moment.



Wow. Think about it.

This is the last night

we're gonna have all three kids

living here under one roof.


I love this feeling.

When your body just knows
that they're safe and sound

and right next to you in their beds.

So, the day was here...

my oldest son was really
leaving the nest.

I was packing sandwiches
and pops for the way there

and frosting and tissues
for the way back.

Ready to go?

Oh, yes.

Hey, what happened to the blue bag?

It's blue.

I backed over the orange one,

tuna salad rotted in the yellow one,

so I got a new blue one.

You get a fresh bag for the trip!


Mom, are you doing okay?

You've been, like,
amazingly chill about all this.

Oh, you know, you said you didn't want us

to make a big deal, so no big deal.

No goodbye breakfast. No teary send-off.

And when you come home to visit,
this is what you can expect.

More of this. Cool Mom all the time.

Besides, there's one thing
I will not miss around here.

Your smelly socks.




No, I will not bring out a book to you.

Come inside and get it.

You called the seat, right?

Yeah, so if you called the seat,
it's yours.

Ugh, fine.

Okay, what exactly am I looking for?

"Rosemary Clooney and Vera-Ellen:

The Ladies of White Christmas"?

Okay, what's it filed under,
"B" for "Biographies"

or "O" for "Old Lady Books"?

Okay, car's all packed.

Just tell me you got
the nunchucks in there.

I did. But really, Axl, aren't you tired

of hitting yourself in the head?

I don't remember ever doing that.

- Mm.
- Mom, let's go!

Hey, uh... hang on a second, Axl.

Look, uh, before we get going,

there's something I wanted to show you.

- Grandpa's old watch.
- Yeah.

You know, for years, this was
sitting busted on my dresser.

You used to like to come in
and wear it and play grown-up.

I remember. Yeah.

Well, now that you are all grown up,

I took it to a place
and, uh, got it working again,

and I thought maybe...
you'd like to have it.

That's, uh...



If you look on the back, it's engraved.

It's a bunch of numbers.

It's latitude and longitude of the house.

So you'll always remember
where you came from.

Thanks, Dad. I... I love it.


Mom, check out
this awesome watch Dad gave me.

Oh, awesome.

Everybody has the time
on their phones now,

but that's great.

- Are you kidding me?!
- What?

I'm trying to be cool,
so I don't make my son breakfast

or hug him or anything
and then you waltz in here

with the most heartfelt gift of all time.

Where was that gift-giving skill

during inflatable footbath season?

- You use it.
- Yeah, I have a fungus!

AXL: Come on, guys! Let's go!



Well... this is it.




Congratulations, Axl!

Ohh. Oh, Axl.

You know I never had a brother,

but I always felt like I did
whenever you would say,

"Sue, get your dorky friends
out of here."

I meant every word of it.


So, you takin' ?

- Yep.
- Big mistake.

There's all kinds of
construction near Evansville.

They're putting in a big megachurch.

You should probably take Route .

Nah, that's a toll road.
I'm not payin' cents.

Ah. Makes sense.

- How ya doin', Frankie?

You hanging in there?

I'm trying to be cool for Axl's sake,

but it's really hard.

Is he looking at me?

I'm in agony right now.
I wish I were d*ad.

I know how you feel.

I had a rough time
when I dropped Sean off

at the airport this morning.

But at least I know he's coming
back in a couple of months.

I can't imagine
what you're going through.

Aww, thanks, Nancy.

Well, our sons may leave us,

but at least we'll always
have each other.


Okay, I'm trying to be brave here,

but I don't think
I'm very good at being brave.

But you know what I'm good at? Crying.

I'm finding I'm surprisingly
good at crying.

I'm gonna try to make it
out there in July, though, okay?

That's the seventh month, right?


I love you.

I love you, too.



[CLEARS THROAT] Oh, we're,
uh, not all doing that?

- Hello, Axl.

Weir... Ashley.

[CHUCKLES] What are you doing here?

How'd you know I was leaving?

- I just knew.
- Oh.

Okay, well, thanks for coming
over to say goodbye.

Oh, it's not goodbye.

See you soon.


I thought you...

You can have it.



I still don't understand
how birth order dictates seats,

but I figured this is your
last trip with the family.

Besides, I can sit by the window
on the way back.


But I think I want to sit on Mom's side.

What? Brick, you can't sit behind Mom.

I'm always behind Mom.

This is the girls' side of the car!

I don't know, with Axl gone,

it seems to me every seat's up for grabs.

- It's not up for grabs!
- I call it!

Wha... You can't call it. Mom,
tell Brick he can't call it!

Just take me to the bus station!
I'd rather take the bus.

She already said if it's
called, it's called!

Smile and wave.
The neighbors are watching.

Bye! Love you!

They're already fighting.


When I get a gift, I put your name on it.


When I get a gift, I put your name on it.

- What?
- You heard me.

No, actually, I didn't hear you.
That's why I'm asking you what.

I'm just saying, when I get a gift

for our children,
I put "From Mom and Dad."

Sometimes I even give you top billing

and put "From Dad and Mom."

Yeah, you say that, but everyone
knows it's from you.

[SIGHS] That's not the point.

The point is, I sign it from both of us

because we're a unit.

We're a eunuch?

Unit! You need to get your ears checked.

Maybe I don't want
to get my ears checked.

[SIGHS] Look, it was just
the gift to end all gifts,

and it would've been nice if you
had included me. That's all.

So, tell him it's from
both of us. I don't care.

I'm not gonna do that.

Hey, Axl! Axl!

I'm so happy you love the watch

that your dad and I both gave you.

He thought of the latitude,
but I thought of the longitude.

Anyone in the car believe that?

- No.
- No.

Hey. Hey, look over there.

"Emery's Fresh Peaches"!

Mike, pull over. Axl loves peaches.

I'm gonna get him some... from me.

Hey, Axl! We're stoppin' for peaches!

Car peaches from Mom!

- We don't wanna stop.
- Now? Why? I don't want any peaches.

Mmm. Actually, these aren't bad.

Yeah. They're not bad.
I'm glad you like my gift.

Happy moving day, love Mom.


Oh. Oh, bee. Bee! Bee in the car!

It won't sting you
if you're not afraid of them.

Yeah, but I am afraid of them!

Ah! Oh! There's another one.

The peaches are attracting them.

Oh, I didn't even want the peaches!

Why did Mom get me stupid peaches?!

They were from both of us!

Quick, just throw 'em out the window!

No, we can't do that!

That's littering and wasting food!

It's a double sin!

It's compost! It's fine!

Sorry, America!

Remember, no liquids, gels, or aerosols!

I don't need a sob story
about whatever rash you have,

your ointment is not going on that plane.

You got any laptops
or liquids in that bag?

No, ma'am. I follow
all TSA rules and regulations.

That's my good boy.

Come on.

Excuse me. Is this your bag?

- Yes, sir.
- Can you step over here, please?

You know you're not permitted to
bring liquids through security?

I didn't.

Oh! Maybe your machine is picking up

on my mom's death-by-fudge brownies

with molten chocolate in the middle?

They are kind of oozy.

No, this item is not brownie-related.

I'm talking about this.

It seems we have a snow globe
here with a winter scene

and a note that says...

"Sean, you always
called me your snowflake,

so when I found this snow globe,

the first person I thought of was you.

If you ever get homesick,
shake the globe and think of us.

Love, Sue."


Sorry, but I'm gonna have to toss that.

I enjoy a whimsical snow globe
as much as the next guy,

but I can't let you get on
the plane with it.

Oh, I'm not getting on that plane.

Excuse me. Sorry. Excuse me.

Excuse me! Excuse me!




You guys missed it.


"Indiana Mobile Alert:
You're almost out of data.

You have % of your family plan
minutes remaining.

Overage data $
for each additional gigabyte."

Oh, my God! Everybody off
your devices! Off your devices!

- What?! - Mom!
- Hey!

We're about to exceed our data plan!

Shut off your phones!

No! I'm on level six of Pizza Man!

I'm up to eight toppings.
Brick, shut off your phone.

I'm streaming the
"Planet Nowhere Director's Cut."

- Sue, you get off yours.
- Not yet.

I am watching a dog surf,
and he's almost to the shore.

Besides, you said the "Planet
Nowhere" movie was terrible.

It is. I'm hate-watching it.

Sue, no one cares about a dog surfing!

What about a dog surfing backwards?

- He's so confident up there!
- Ha! He's got a life jacket on.

- Mike.
- You heard your mom... off!

All of you!

And I'm not just talking
about the games and videos.

Power your phones down!
You don't need 'em.

There's a whole world out there
that's plenty exciting.





SUE: Hi! It's Sue.
Sorry I'm not here right now.

Please leave your name, number,
and a nice wish for the world.


Sean, what are you doing here?

- I...
- You're supposed to be on a plane.

I need to talk to Sue!

Sue? She's on her way to Denver.

They left over an hour ago.


Ooh! "Welcome to Illinois.
Land of Lincoln."

Oh, boy. Getting closer!

Only three states left to go!

Ugh. My stomach's not feeling too great.

I think Mom's bee-peaches were bad.

Mom and Dad's bee-peaches were bad.

I know what it is, Axl.

You're nervous. You've got butterflies.

I am not nervous.

It must have been something I ate.

Axl, I've seen you pull a sandwich

out of the disposal and finish it.

It's not anything you ate.

Admit it. You've got butterflies
in your tummy.

Oh, yeah? You know what you have?

- What?
- A frozen head.

Axl, you're not allowed to talk
about my frozen head anymore.

- We have a pact!
- Point taken.

However, we have no pact
about freezing your body.

- You can't do that!
- Yep, it's happening.

I'm gonna freeze your body

and toss your head
into McCormick's Creek.

You can't toss my head into the creek!

Small children play there,
and they'll find it

when they're looking for crayfish!

Actually, change of plans.

I am going to freeze your body

and put a horse head on it.

Fine. Then I'll take that horse's body

and put your stupid head on it!

That'd be awesome. I'd be
the coolest horse-man ever.

You're lying. You're lying!

You would not be happy with a horse body!

Sure I would.
I would win the Kentucky Derby

and then give interviews afterward.

I wouldn't even need a jockey.

Then I'll take my horse head

and run in the Kentucky Derby, too!

More like the Kendorky Derby.

You couldn't get more than two
steps without stumbling around

with a big, heavy horse head
on your stupid Sue body.

Stop talking about human heads
on animal bodies!

You know that's my rd greatest fear!

That's it... phones back on!

I'll pay for the overage.

Man, this guy is driving nuts.
What's your hurry, buddy?

Axl, stop pretending
it would be a good thing

- to have your head on a horse body!
- Too late!

You put my head on a horse body,
and everybody loves it.

Actually, you know what?

I changed my mind. You're right.

It was wrong of me to put
a horse's head on your body.

It's not fair to the horse. [CHUCKLES]

[GASPS] Shut up!
Shut up your stupid face!

[WHINNYING] Easy girl!

Somebody go in the blue bag

- and get her a carrot.

- Mom!
- Mike.

- Axl.
- Sean?


Sue! Sue!


Wha... What are you doing here?
Is everything okay?

I was at the airport to go to Ghana,

and I found this in my bag.

Oh. Uh, yeah, I put it in there
as a goodbye gift.

This is a long way
to come to thank me, Sean.

No, no, no, no. You don't understand.

I bought this for you last year.

How did you end up with it?

I found it in the trash at my apartment.

That's where I threw it out

after Axl told me
you were dating someone.

Axl! Did you tell Sean
I was dating someone?!

I thought you were there for Lexie!

I told you I liked Sue on New Year's Eve!

I thought you were drunk!

Why didn't you tell me
you liked me on New Year's Eve?

I-I don't know.

I thought you were with that Aidan guy,

so I tried to woo you
by leaving you the balloons

and the Sno-drifts and the flowers...

That was you?! Oh, my bad!

I gave the flowers to Cindy!

That is so frustrating!

Sue, people travel the whole
world to find their soul mate,

but mine has been right
across the street all along.

I don't know when I started
feeling this way,

maybe it was when my mom
forced me to hold your hand

at the zoo so you wouldn't
get lost, I don't know.

But what I know is that when we kissed,

it was the greatest thing
that's ever happened to me.

Everything about you makes me happy...

the way you think, the way you smile.

You get excited about everything...

the muffin you just ate,
the smell of chalk.

You are walking sunshine,
and I feel like a complete idiot

for wasting a single minute
by not telling you that.

So, now you know how I feel,
but you gotta tell me...

what does this mean for you?

Did you give this to me 'cause
I'm your brother's friend?

Or 'cause I'm your neighbor?

I need you to be super clear
with me here, Sue,

because obviously we're not
very good about being clear.

Is this clear enough?


I love you, Sue Heck.

I love you so much back.


Wait! Wait, wait, wait.

But aren't they expecting you in Ghana?

Yeah, but it doesn't matter.
I'll be back in three months.

I'll be here.

Well, uh, uh, not on this road.
I'll be at my house.

Or I might be out when you get home,

but if you just call me,
I will be there...

Will you hold on to this for me
until I get back?

I will.


Are you kidding me?!

Did that really just happen?


It doesn't matter. We don't need it.

It did what it was supposed to do.

It... It brought us to each other.


Well, I did not see that coming at all.

I knew. I've known for a long time.

I was the first,
but I was sworn to secrecy.

That's why I knew
and the rest of you didn't.

- I knew.
- I knew.

Not till after I knew.

I am just floating on air.

You know, I saw movies
where people were this happy,

but I never thought
it could happen to me.

Oh, isn't it crazy how life works?

There I was at mile marker
just living an ordinary life

and then... Poof! mile marker ,

and I am a woman in love.

[GASPS] You know how you just love

someone so much you ache
when you're not with them?

You're not gonna ache
all the way to Denver, are ya?

I am gonna ache the whole summer
until he gets back.


I don't know why I'm crying.

I am so freaking happy!

Oh, boy. Okay, hold on.

I think we got some Kleenex in here.


Oh, whoa, not that one.
That's the new Death Napkin.

What? What do you mean?

You made a new Death Napkin without me?

I was just jotting down some thoughts.

There was an accident
at the quarry last month,

big expl*si*n.

What? There was an expl*si*n?

You didn't tell me
you almost got blown up!

Well, there's nothing to tell.

I'm here. If I had blown up,
I'd have told you.

Well, not me. Human Resources
notifies the next of kin.

And they got a grief counselor
if you want it.

You know what? I wouldn't need it.


There's another alert.

Okay, who's using data?

Now it says we're up to %.

Well, I had to tell Brad,
and then he put me on

a group text with no-cut a capalla

and now my phone is blowing up.

Data costs money.
We can't keep doing this.

Look, just take me off the family plan.

My new job gives me
a company phone anyway.

Axl, don't be ridiculous.

We're not taking you off the family plan.

Why not? That makes no sense.

Um, because you're part of the family.

Not really. Not anymore. [CHUCKLES]

Stop the car. Stop the car!


SUE: I'm gonna take the blue
bag. She may need cookies.

Frankie, where are you going?

No, I can't do this.

No. I can't do it.

I am not gonna take my son
a million miles away.

I will not be a part of it.
It's just... It's too much.

You guys do what you want,
but I'm not going.

I tried, Axl.

I tried to be cool
so that you'd come back

and visit and I wouldn't
lose you forever,

but you know what?

I'm not cool. I am not okay with this.

You know, Indiana Mobile
has a family plan for a reason.

Because families are tied together.

No matter what.

We can't all be off using our minutes

willy-nilly by ourselves.

The minutes are all connected!
They are intertwined!

'Cause that's the way
it's supposed to be.

Indiana Mobile gets it.

- Frankie...
- No.

And you have to appreciate
the minutes before they run out.

[VOICE BREAKING] Because this is it.

It's really it. It's over. [SNIFFLES]

The five of us are never gonna
be together like this again.

Axl's leaving,
Sue's gonna take some hotel job,

Brick'll be sealed up
in his room reading,

and Dad'll blow up and I'll find
out from a grief counselor!

It's the end of an era.

And it's never gonna be the same again.


That's the way it's supposed to be.

Just promise me that no matter
what happens

or... or where you guys end up,

we'll always stay
on the same family plan.

We will. Promise. Always.



FRANKIE: I don't know why I worried.

Axl did eventually move back to Orson.


I thought I told you when I left for work

this morning to clean this place up!

Do you have to leave
your socks everywhere?

Oh, my God! You're always on me!

Have you been on the couch all day?

It's called summer, Dad. Look into it.

Yeah, look into it!

Hey! What did your mom and I tell you?

Watch the tone!

Yep, Mike and I got the greatest revenge.

He had three boys just like him.



And Brick?

He created a wildly successful
book series about a quirky kid

who gets sucked into
his magical microfiche machine

and travels through time
with his trusty backpack.

Mr. Heck, I love the part
where he licks the car.

It's so funny. How'd you think of that?

I had a very interesting childhood.

And Sue?

Well, she grew into the amazing woman

we all knew she'd be.

Unfortunately, she and Sean broke up.

Then they got back together.

Then they broke up again.

Then they got back together
for the last time.

I now pronounce you husband and wife.



♪ Happy endings are beginnings
of a million new stories ♪

♪ A threshold to cross through
and seize the new day ♪

♪ Happy endings are beginnings
making room for the future ♪

Yep, we finally became Donahues.

♪ Like big mile markers
on life's happy highway ♪

And Mike and I?

Well, we never won the lottery.

We never fixed the wallpaper.

We never patched the hole.


We never replaced the washing machine.

But for all the things we didn't have,

we sure had a lot.

AXL: I am starving.
We need to stop somewhere.

MIKE: You threw perfectly
good food out the window.

We're not stopping.

FRANKIE: There's granola bars
in the blue bag.

Wait. Where's the blue bag?

Oh, Sue left the blue bag!

SUE: Stop flicking me, Axl!

You leave the blue bag, you get flicked.

Don't flick your sister!

BRICK: See? This is why I didn't
want to sit in the middle!

[WHISPERS] The middle.

♪ Happy endings are beginnings
of a brand-new tomorrow ♪

♪ Like seasons a-changin',
like waves on the sea ♪

♪ We pause, post a selfie,
but the timeline keeps movin' ♪

♪ Every day is a gift for you and me ♪

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