05x05 - Young & Softball

[bunniefuu]

Check me out!

The new uniforms just came in.

Alan made me join the team to work out,

but I am working it.

I still can't believe you're
playing on a softball team.

Don't you play with enough
soft white balls at home?

A, never.

B, we're not playing this afternoon.

We're a man short.
Josh was gonna fill in,

but stupid Gabi took
Josh and his dad out

for a picnic to apologize for
running over his dad's feet.

Do you realize how selfish you sound?

This is the first time Josh
is spending time with his dad.

I'm selfish? What about Josh?

Josh promised to play in my game

and abandoned me to
spend time with his dad.

Like father like son.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. How
was Josh gonna play anyway?

Isn't it a gay league?

Yeah, but you don't
have to be gay to play.

We have a don't ask, don't tell policy.

Hey, you look like a barrel-chested

aging athlete. Can you play?

A, thank you.

B, I can't.

I gotta sell Squirrel Ranger
cookies with my group from church,

but if you buy boxes, we can talk.

Done. I'll get you a uniform.

How many "X"s are there
in front of you "L"?

I can't believe this. I can't
believe you are actually mad at me.

- I am speechless!
- Well, that's a first.

I had one chance to bond with
my father and you ruined it.

You didn't stop talking
the entire picnic.

Yeah, I only talked because
I was trying to protect you

from sounding so show-offy.

(scoffing laughs) Show-offy.

How was I show-offy?

How? Oh, okay, let me see. Uh...

blah, blah, blah, my helicopter.

Blah, blah, blah, my vineyard.

Blah, blah, my
helicopter to my vineyard.

We get it. You're rich.

Well, excuse me for trying
to make my dad proud.

Stop it! Now, you two need
to focus on what's important.

It's Squirrel Ranger cookie season!

All right, who wants in? I got
Coco-nutties and Little Diddles.

- What is going on out here?
- I'll tell you what's going on.

Thanks to her incessant yammering,

my dad had a crappy time at the picnic.

He conveniently remembered
he had a business meeting

and he had to leave town early.

Yay!

Now you can play in my game.

Was that selfish? I don't care.

- Yay!
- (theme music playing)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turned my head ♪

♪ She'd run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh,
baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

- ♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

You know, you try to be a good person...

you try to bring a
father and son together

and then the whole thing
blows up in your face

and you get blamed for it.

So you're done butting in?

Yes, I am.

Right after I trick Josh's
dad into staying in town

and then take him to
Josh's softball game.

We're gonna watch the game.
We'll go out for drinks after,

and then I'll sneak out the back and

let them have their father-son moment.

Sounds like a good idea.

What?

Well, obviously the
picnic didn't go well

so you want to give Josh and his dad

a chance to try again.
I think it's a good move.

W... wait a minute.

You are never on board
with my plans, which

makes me feel like I shouldn't do it.

So I'm not gonna do
it. I'm staying home.

Okay, whatever you think is best.

Whatever I think is... Oh, no, uh-huh.

I'm on to you, Sofia. You're just
using reverse psychology on me

so I'm gonna use reverse,
reverse psychology on you,

which means I am going
to pick up Josh's dad.

Or should I say I'm not
not going to pick him up?

- I said it was a good...
- Oh my God, shut up!

I am sick of your negativity!

Can I interest you in some
Squirrel Ranger cookies?

Nope, I'm good, er,

but if you ask Sofia, she'll
say she doesn't want any,

which means she does.

Ooh, you got any snickerdoodles?

Snicker, please. You know I do.

Ooh! All right.

Since when are you a pack
leader for the Squirrel Rangers?

Uh, since I found out
that the pack leader

who sells the most cookies
wins a cruise to Bora Bora.

Wow, what do the girls get?

Who cares?

I'll be on my cruise,

but not if I don't sell
more boxes by this weekend.

Too bad I'm not in your group.

You were a Squirrel Ranger?

Oh, I wasn't "a" Squirrel Ranger.

I was the best Squirrel
Ranger in all of Miami.

And if a girl tried to
sell cookies on my turf,

Lil' So-So would go Scarface on her ass.

I was the cookie kingpin, chica.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

When you're nine, cute, and me,

you can sell anything to anybody.

Mm-hmm.

You have any interest
in going to Bora Bora?

Hell, yeah, I do.

(crowd cheers, applauds)

Okay, here we are.

Nothing better for a
father-son bonding softball game

than an ice cold beer in a

carefully concealed sippy cup.

Bases aren't the only thing
that are about to get loaded.

I just don't get why Josh wanted
me to come to his softball game?

All he talked about at the picnic

was how great he's
done in life without me.

Clearly, he's trying
to send me a message.

That's why I left early.

(scoffs) I knew it wasn't me.

Look, Gabi, I'm just gonna say it.

I keep having this feeling that
Josh knows nothing about this

- and bringing me here was your idea.
- W... what?

You think I would risk
my relationship with Josh

by interfering in this very
fragile father-son relationship?

Well, you did it before when
you picked me up at the airport.

Exactly, yes. So what, you think
I'd do it again? What am I? A fool?

Matt, Josh felt so bad
about what happened before

and he wanted a second
chance to connect with you.

So that's why he brought you here. He...

he wanted you to see the real him.

Okay, maybe this was a good idea.

Thank you.

I mean, you know, thank Josh

'cause he's the one who came up with it.

Josh, you're up.

- Oh, stop, quick, turn around.
- Why?

Just 'cause.

Looking good.

Why, thank you.

I had the jersey tapered
to accentuate my "V."

No, nobody wanna see your "V!"

Good luck, new guy.

I don't need luck.

I'm gonna drive this so deep.

(chuckles) From your lips.

All right, play ball.

(cheering)

This is amazing.

I know.

It's all so clear now. Now I know
why Josh wanted me to be here.

It's like you said. He wanted me to see

- the real him.
- Yes!

- I am so proud of him.
- Yes!

- He was afraid to tell me he was gay.
- Yes! Yes!

Wait, what?

All right, that's
enough of the butt slaps.

Sorry, boss.

(chanting) Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh! Josh!

Josh, Josh, Josh!

Hey, I need to talk to you.

- Gabi, what are you doing here?
- Well, before I answer that,

I need you to know I only did
it because I care about you.

What did you do?

Well, I felt really
bad about the picnic,

- so I stopped your dad from leaving...
- What?

- and then I brought him here.
- What?

Will you stop interrupting me?

When you hit that homer, your dad...

- Josh!
- Damn it.

I'm so proud of you.

You are?

Josh, Josh, Josh...

Not now, Gabi. My dad's proud of me.

You were saying, Matt?

Seeing you out here today, buddy, I...

w-what can I say? I'm blown away.

Oh, it's nothin' really.

Been hitting dingers
since seventh grade.

I want you to know, pal,

you are so darn courageous.

(sighs)

Bring it in. Oh!

(whimpers)

We got so much to talk about.
I'm gonna call my office

and cancel all my meetings

because I want to hang out with my son

and hear his whole story.

My dad's proud of me.

All it took was a home
run, Gabi. Who knew?

- Huh.
- Thank you for bringing him.

Yeah.

Your dad thinks your gay.

What?

Why does my dad think I'm gay?

Well, the whole crowd is,

and the teams are the San Fransisco
Bears versus the Field of Queens.

So...

Naturally, he just
kind of assumed you were

and then I agreed with him and
didn't tell him you weren't.

What? Why would you do that?

'Cause I knew how much you
wanted to connect with him

and then he finally
felt connected to you,

and I didn't... I didn't
wanna ruin that. I mean,

- what was I supposed to do?
- Well, not say that.

Now you've made things
more uncomfortable

between me and him because now
I got to tell him the truth.

- Do you?
- Josh.

I changed my flight.

Now that this wall is down between us,

I can't wait to spend time with you,

so I got us two tickets to Wicked.

Look, Matt, I got to be honest with ya.

Wicked's my favorite musical.

- Good.
- Yeah, so good.

Oh, my damn, Sofia, you look amazing.

I look exactly like
I did when I was nine.

Told you I was cute.

It's time to turn that cute into loot.

Hey, buddy, looks like
you got the munchies.

You buy ten boxes, you get one free.

And if I sell enough cookies,
I win a trip to science camp.

Bible camp?

Torah camp.

Shalom.

Hey, buddy, who's never seen me before,

you look like you have the munchies.

You buy ten boxes, you get one free.

Now go find your mama's purse

and bring Lil' So-So some crisp hundies.

Comprende?

Buy ten boxes, get one free.

It's in your back pocket.

Why are you still wearing that?

I can't take it off.

I walk down the street.
People point. People stare.

It's like I'm a celebrity.

People probably think you're
the Pillsbury Dough Girl.

Hee-hee!

The point is, people are
digging me and I am loving it.

I'm never going to get it
dirty so I can wear it forever.

Uh, what about when
you're playing softball?

Oh, I never play.

I sit on the bench and I look sexy,

and when it gets close to my
turn, I got to the bathroom.

- Oh!
- Oh.

No!

My softball costume!

Oh.

Come on, take it off. I got
some vodka in the laundry room.

Does vodka get out stains?

No, but I'm gonna need some if
ima see you without that shirt.

Oh!

Hey, guys, did you have fun at Wicked?

Oh, you know it.

That song "Defying
Gravity" defies gravity.

It's sad you have to leave so soon.

I know, but I'm gonna see
you on the Fourth of July.

- Right, buddy?
- You bet. I'll bring the sparkles.

I don't know how, but
that actually worked.

I'm not gonna say you owe
your entire relationship

with your father to
me, so you can say it.

Gabi, you are a genius.

You know, a week ago, I
didn't even know my dad,

and now he's part of my life.

I get to see him on the
fourth, Thanksgiving, Christmas.

(clicks mouth) So you just
have to be holiday gay.

Holli-gay, if you will.

But, Gabi, I gotta be straight with you.

- What's wrong?
- No, no. I gotta be straight with you.

Take off our clothes.
I'm using the punch card.

Welcome back, straight Josh.

I'm sorry, I forgot my...

Oh my God.

Matt, it's not what it looks like.

I can't believe it.

Gabi's a man?

- I am obviously not a man!
- Okay, I didn't know.

I... I-I was trying to be
open-minded. I watch Transparent.

You probably want to
know what's going on.

Gabi?

Josh?

- Gabi!
- Josh.

Will one of you please
tell me what's going on?

Okay, look, Matt, I... I haven't
been completely honest with you.

(sighs)

(clears throat)

I was... I was just so
happy that we were bonding,

and I didn't want
anything to mess it up,

but the truth is...

(sighs deeply)

I'm straight.

What?

Why would you lie to me?

Gabi?

Um, well. At first you
guys didn't connect,

but w-when you found
out he was gay, you did.

And so that made it incredibly
difficult for him to tell you

that he is, in fact, an openly
straight heterosexual man.

I can't believe this.

Ah, d-do you know how hard it was

for me to come out here and meet you?

Uh, probably as hard as
it was for me to meet you.

I come out here to get to know my son

and you lie to me and
disrespect our relationship

- like it means nothing.
- Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You want to talk about a
relationship that means nothing?

How about you abandoning
me years ago,

and not once trying to contact me?

- Josh.
- No, how about the fact that all of my

other friends had dads and I didn't.

You never taught me how to fish
or how to drive or how to...

how to unhook bras.

I don't think dads do that.

Well, I wouldn't know
because I never had a dad.

G... oh... God... I... I... I
think I'd just... I'd better leave.

Of course you do because
that's what you do best, leave.

Josh, I'm so sorry.

- Do you want me to go talk to him?
- No, I don't want you to talk to him.

I don't want you to talk to
me. J-j-just butt out, Gabi.

I miss gay Josh.

Baby, we did it. We won.

Woo!

Bora Bora, here we come.

Ooh, yes.

Sorry about the ceremony taking so long.

All those Squirrel
Rangers speeches and songs,

so Bora-boring.

Ooh, I can't wait to have
a big old piña colada.

I can't wait to have a
big ol' piña in Yolanda.

I'm gonna get us some champagne.

Oh, don't bother. I have
something stronger in my room.

- (knocking)
- Ms. Perkins?

Yolanda, you left the ceremony
without your cruise tickets.

(laughing) I did.

I was just so caught up with
all those songs and speeches.

Can I just say you make me proud
to be a part of this organization?

Your hard work is an
inspiration to those girls.

SOFIA: Who's ready for some tequila?

Is that Squirrel
Ranger drinking alcohol?

Sofia, this is Ms. Perkins,

the regional director
for the Squirrel Rangers.

Um, you know what, this is
actually okay because I look young,

- but I'm actually .
- Mm-hmm.

So you're impersonating
a Squirrel Ranger?

Uh, what's worse?
Impersonating a Squirrel Ranger

or being a drunk nine-year-old?

Sofia, I can't believe
this. You tricked me.

Sandy, I had no knowledge of this.

And given the situation,

I think that you and I
should go on this cruise.

I don't think so.

You've disgraced the Squirrel Rangers.

Now hand over your sash.

Damn it.

Sash! She said sash!

Thank God. You can have this.

Oh, my damn.

(sighs)

Want to smoke some of that
and eat a bunch of cookies?

When they go low, we get high.

What's all this?

I wanted to extend an olive brunch.

You get it?

It'll hit you later.

Listen, I just... I wanted to apologize

about everything that
happened with your dad.

Look, it wasn't all your fault. I
mean, I went along with the plan.

Yeah, but I started it.

Right, I want you to know
that I'm done butting in.

After thinking of everything you
did to get you and your dad together,

I realized that you can't
force people to connect.

(knocking)

You know, not every
relationship has a happy ending.

You better be here to
give Josh a happy ending!

No... no... n-not... not
like that. I didn't do this.

I couldn't leave things like that.

Josh, I just want to say that
you were right about everything

and I am really sorry.

I have no excuse for
abandoning you and your mom.

You were young and
terrified and confused.

- BOTH: Gabi.
- Okay.

When Gabi told me you were gay,

I thought I could swoop in and be
the cool accepting dad you never had.

That way, it'd make up for a little
of the time I wasn't there for you.

Yeah.

I think maybe we just put a little
too much pressure on ourselves too,

trying to make up for
years in two days.

Maybe we did. What if I stuck
around for an extra day? We could

go fishing, catch a game.

Actually, and I kid you not,

you know what I'd like to do?

See Wicked again.

So would I!

- It was surprisingly great.
- Right?!

Such a fresh twist on a classic tale.

Tell you what.

Why don't we go enjoy Gabi's brunch?

- I'll get us tickets.
- That'd be great.

See if you can get us house seats.

Come on, you're rich.

Looks like... looks like
everything worked out,

which means butting in
does work. Not every time...

(sing-songy) but most times.

Argh! Oh.

Oh, my back!

Whew, I can't play.

(exhales) Who's left on the bench?

Elliot!

Uhhh, I have to go to the bathroom.

No, no, no, Elliot, we need you.

For what? A fro-yo run?

It's the bottom of the ninth, two outs.

We're down a run and
the bases are loaded!

I don't know what any of that means.

Just go stand there

- and get hit by a pitch.
- Oof.

But then my softball
costume will get dirty,

- Yeah!
- and it's so beautiful.

Look, it's whiter than
a Mumford & Sons concert.

Just take one for the team.

I can't!

Hah-ha!

(heroic music plays)