05x06 - Young & Couchy

[bunniefuu]

Great news! Our couch problem is solved!

What couch problem?

Uh, the one that's got
your knees up higher

than when you're getting a pap smear.

So, Logan's remodeling her condo,
and she's giving me her old couch!

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God...

- Help me up so I can be excited.
- Okay.

BOTH: We're getting a new couch!

- And the best part is...
- How can there be better parts?

It's a-comin a-right a-now!

- Oh, my God, do you love it?
- Oh, my God, I hate it!

What? Why?

It's hideous.

It looks like the product
of years of couch incest.

It's a-goin' a-back a-now!

It's not going anywhere.

Do you understand that Logan is my boss?

What if she comes over
and the couch isn't here?

What if anyone else comes
over and the couch is here?

Gabi... Logan picked me out
of everyone in the office

to give the couch to. Sending it
back would be a slap in her face.

But I don't want it!

Well, (scoffs)

I mean, I don't wanna be
an assistant my entire life.

And when it comes time for a promotion,

who do you think'll get it? The
girl who rudely gave back the couch,

or the girl who kept the couch,

because it reflects on her
boss' kindness and good taste?

So you really think that... this couch

is, uh... gonna get you a promotion?

'Cause you know, that's
really not how it works, Sofia.

Oh, Gabi, that's exactly how it works.

Before this, Logan and
I had nothing in common.

Now we have the couch.
So, whenever we're alone,

or in the bathroom, or there's a
lull in conversation, she'll be like,

"How's the couch?"

And I'll be like, "Oh,
my God! We love it!"

And she'll be like, "I knew you
would. You want a promotion?"

And that, my friend, is how it works.

Okay, if it's that important to
you, I guess we'll keep the couch,

- but just know that I hate it!
- Thank you!

And one more thing, and you might
not be interested in this, but, um...

there is a matching ottoman.

(theme music)

♪ She's in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turned my head ♪

♪ She'd run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she's bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh,
baby, ooh, baby, baby ♪

- ♪ I like that ooh, baby ooh, baby ♪

Okay... what's goin' on in here?

I'm makin' freakin' fudge.

Well, why make fudge when you
could have this white chocolate?

Ugh!

Come on, we haven't used
the punch card in a week.

Which means I... had to punch myself.

All right, here's something that'll...

keep you from thinkin' about sex.

Ugh. What is that?

That's a couch.

Digesting another couch?

Sofia's boss dumped
her crappy couch on us.

Oh! Well, you're in luck.

I just developed this new
app for called "Crap Cash."

Hey... that's great,

I have a ton of crap
and I need a ton of cash.

Everyone does, Gabi.

But what does everybody hate?

Meeting the creep who bought your crap.

That's why I developed an
anonymous delivery service

that shows up so you don't
have to meet the creep...

who bought your crap.

- Oh, my God! That's genius!
- Give me your phone,

- I'll put your couch on there.
- No... I wish, but I can't sell it.

Well, you don't have to accept any bids.

I'll just show you how it
works, give me your phone.

Oh... fudge!

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait... What are you doing?

Today is our first
weigh-in at Fat Fighters.

Yeah, well, we're not there yet.

So, let me get this straight,
you're taking the thing

with the most fat in
it to a diet center?

No, I'm also taking Yolanda.

(cash register sound)

- What was that?
- That's the sound the app makes

when someone bids on your crap.

Someone just offered you .

Dollars?

Oh, my God, that's with the photo?

- (cash register sound)
- !

My God, are you kidding
me? No, no, I can't sell it,

I promised Sofia I wouldn't.

- (cash register sound)
- Eight hund-oh!

Sold!

Oh, my God... that's the
rabbi from your wedding!

Oh, Rabbi Shapiro.

- Let's go say hi.
- Oh... Hell, no!

Uh... I never told you this...

but we hooked up on your wedding night.

You slept with him?

Haven't the Jews suffered enough?

Shut up! We were dating for a while,

then suddenly he stopped calling.

I have no idea what happened.

I do. You let him see you naked.

Right, I'm outta here.

Oh, really? So you have no
desire to rekindle with the rabbi?

You're damn right I don't.

Although he does look
cute in that rabbi sweater.

Hello, everybody. I am Ben Shapiro,

a rabbi and a Fat Fighter counselor.

I went from wandering around the
desert to wondering, "Where's dessert?

He still makes me laugh.

- Today's topic... emotions.
- _

Instead of eating our feelings,

we have to learn to
express it. Let it out!

Why the hell you stop calling me?

Yolanda?

How are you?

Hey!? Hey! You can't eat that!

Fatty says what?

That's like points!

Oh! This is actually fat-free fudge!

Want some, honey?

Oh, my God!

Do you know how long I've been looking

for a fat-free dessert
that actually tastes good?

Judging from your Cosby
sweater, I'd say since the ' s.

Where did get this? I
would pay a fortune for it.

Well, you would have to. Because
it's very, very hard to find.

Name your price, my husband's rich.

You're married?

I had to break it off
because there was no future.

Being with a non-Jewish woman
would break my mother's heart.

But you know what? And
I don't mind saying this

in front of the entire group.

After seeing you again, and feeling,

the way I feel right now,

I am reminded of those
very poignant words,

you must not let anyone
define your limits

because of where you come from.

Your only limit... is your soul.

- Was that Gandhi?
- Ratatouille.

(gasps) Ooh, Sofia!

- I have a huge surprise.
- Me, too!

Okay, mine's more of a
visual, so I'll go first.

Logan's coming over for
dinner to see the couch!

- What?
- Yeah.

So get this, we were in the
bathroom, and for the first time ever,

there were no uncomfortable silences.

Why? Because we talked about the couch!

And I was like, "Do you wanna
come over and see the couch?"

And she was all, "Sure, I'd love to."

And... so now, she's coming over
for dinner with me and the couch,

which means the promotion
can't be far off.

What's your surprise?

(inhales deeply)

Gabi, where's the couch?

So, surprise.

Uh... where's the couch?

Um... I turned it into $ .

- You sold the couch?
- I didn't mean to.

Well, get it back!

That might not be exactly possible,

because I sold it on
Josh's new app, "Crap Cash,"

where everything you sell is anonymous.

So you never have to meet the creep

who bought your crap!

I cannot believe you, I told
you that this was my ticket in!

Into what?

Into... a promotion!

Do you listen to anything I say?

Like... do you even know
that I wanna be a writer?

I do now.

Oh, my God! How am I
even friends with you?

- Why am I even friends with you?
- I don't understand why you're getting

- so mad, I do bad stuff all the time!
- This isn't... it's...

this isn't like any other time,
Gabi, this is about my career!

As a writer!

Gabi, I told you how important
this was to me and... and...

now I may never get a
promotion, and not only that,

come Monday, I might
not even have a job.

- Sofia, I'm really sorry.
- Oh, my God, Gabi,

you are always sorry.
You're always sorry.

How many more times
are you gonna be sorry?

One more.

That was rhetorical.

Rhetorical. Hey, that's
a good word for a writer.

I'm done.

(sighs)

We can still get the ottoman!

- Ohhh... you know,
- Ohhh...

I never thought I'd be on a
date at a Fat Fighters clinic!

Well, I was gonna take
you to a nice restaurant,

but I know how difficult
it is to dine out

when you start a new program.

Ohhh... and who knew

- you were such an amazing cook.
- (both laugh)

(laughing) I mean...
that five-point stuffing

- was mother-stuffing delicious!
- (both laugh)

Thank you.

So how'd you end up workin' here anyway?

Well, about a month ago, I
was napping on my mom's couch,

and it sorta kinda
broke under my weight.

Oh, well, you won't break me, baby.

Promise?

(phone ringing)

Oh.

- Oh, it's my mom.
- (phone continues ringing)

Should I send it to voice mail?

Yeah, I'm gonna send that to voicemail.

- Come here.
- Ooh.

- Oh.
- Now I feel guilty.

Maybe I should call her back.

No. I am not calling her back.

- Mm-hmm. Aw.
- No. Maybe just a text.

No, not even a text.

Ugh... I'm sorry. This
can't be a turn on.

You got that right.

You know what? Screw this, Yolanda.

No... screw this Yolanda.

Oh, I intend to.

First I have to tell you something.

Those two months we spent
together were amazing.

I let you go once. I'm not gonna
make the same mistake again.

I'm gonna tell my mother about us.

You would risk your relationship
with your mom for me?

As the saying goes,

"Without pain, without
sacrifice, we would have nothing."

- Old Testament?
- Fight Club.

(elevator dings)

- _
- (Yolanda humming)

Hey, Yolanda?!

I'm so glad you're
here. Uh, quick favor...

can you tape me into this box?

Sure, baby. Let me ask
you a question. (laughs)

You think I can impress my
boyfriend's mama in this outfit?

Uh... lose the cleavage.

Mmm.

Uh...

you wanna tell me why I'm doin' this?

I'm tryin' to find out where the
Cash Crap anonymous warehouse is

so I can save my
relationship with Sofia.

Okay. You do you, girl.

- (elevator dings)
- _

You got the stuff?

Oh, I got the stuff. You got the cash?

(sniff)

Do I smell fudge?

percent pure brown gold.

- First taste is free.
- (gasps) Uh...

I... I... I really shouldn't.

- They're fat free.
- Fat free?

Son of a bitch!

Devon! Jenny!

Screw Fat Fighters.
Papa's getting liposuction.

(phone ringing)

Hey! Gabi! Have you seen my desk chair?

It was here last night.

Now it's gone, and
there's a post-it note

that says, "Thanks. Gabi."

Well... I'm, uh, kinda
sitting in it right now.

Where are you?

Here's the thing... I sold
your chair on Crap Cash

so I could find out where
the secret warehouse is.

What? Why didn't you sell
something that was yours?

Nobody wants anything I own!

I'm sorry, I... I... I don't
understand what you're doing.

- Are you following the delivery truck?
- Not exactly.

Well, if you're not following the
truck, how do you know where the...

You're sitting in the chair in a box

- in the back of the truck, aren't ya?
- I had to do it, Josh.

It's the only way I could find
out where the secret warehouse

is, and fix my relationship with Sofia.

- (truck gate opening)
- sh**t,

someone's coming! Gotta go,
nothing is impossible, bye!

Hey, guys? Does the secret
warehouse have a bathroom?

(disguising voice) Asked the chair...

Okay. I laid out all of
my mom's favorite foods.

Oh, sh**t, I forgot dessert.

She loves chocolate.

Let's hope so.

(knocking on door)

Gabi?

Rabbi Shapiro?

Is your first name... Marilyn?

Gabi. Didn't I just pack you in a box?

Yeah, that's why I'm here.
I... I sold Sofia's couch,

we had a huge fight, and I
tracked it to this apartment,

and now I really gotta get it back.

Oh, girl, I could've
just driven you here.

Now! I know that now!

What are you doing here?

Oh, this is Ben's mother's apartment,

and we're about to
tell her we're dating.

Oh, that's so cute, I didn't
know you guys were tog...

(gasps) Oh, my God, my couch!

She's here!

- What's, uh, what's...
- Benny!

- what's happening?
- Your girlfriend is gorgeous!

- No... Ma... no.
- No... oh...

- uh, Mrs. Shapiro, I...
- A little young...

- but gorgeous.
- Oh, uh, Mrs. Shapiro, I'm

- actually... I'm here to...
- And look at that tuchus.

Sometimes God gives with two hands.

- But... Ma...
- Mrs. Shapiro, really, I... I'm...

I'm actually just here
because I really want...

Sweetie you give me a grandchild,

you can have anything you want.

- Can I have your couch? Oh!
- Anything!

Benny! We're goin' off the pill!

You've made me the
happiest woman on Earth!

Are you gonna tell your mother
I'm your girlfriend or not?

I've never seen her so happy!

- Are you kidding me?
- All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

This time it's gonna
require a little Schnapps.

Well... I thought you
said she couldn't drink

- because of her high blood pressure?
- For me!

- Oh.
- It's for me!

I'm so happy to see you.

Oh, you think you're happy.

Benny never brought home a girl before.

And so blonde and beautiful.

I'd never know you're Jewish.

You are... Jewish, right?

Yes! Yes, I'm... I'm very
Jewish, I'm like, uh...

like, uh, Hanukkah, um, uh,
Seth Rogen, deli platters!

Ma, I got somethin' to tell ya.

- That girl that you're talking to...
- Is an angel!

She's not my girlfriend.

- What?
- This is my girlfriend.

Then who the hell's this?!

Um... I'm just a...
poor little Jewish girl

who really, really wants your couch.

Oy! I'm... so sorry
for the mix-up, Yolanda.

Well... I guess you're
more age-appropriate.

Benny, if... if you're
happy, then I'm happy.

Ma, I've never been happier.

Oh, it's a pleasure
to meet you, Yo-lan-da?

Oh... oh... the pleasure's mine.

I never met an African-American Jew.

- Mmm...
- Are you from the lost tribe of...?

Ethiopia!

Uh... t... uh... t... (laughs)

uh... uh...

(chuckling) More like the
lost tribe of Inglewood.

Uh...

I'm, uh... I'm not Jewish.

- What?
- No, Ma... it doesn't matter

- if she's Jewish or not, I love her.
- Ah, ahh...

- Ma, Ma! Oh, my... Ma... Let's...
- Mrs. Shapiro?!

- Let's bring... the Dr. Schwartz
- I can't

- next door! All right, come on, Ma.
- breathe! I can't

- Oh, for the love of Jesus!
- breathe! Oh, don't say Jesus!

- All right... let's go.
- I'm going fast!

Slow down, Ma. Just don't worry.

Oh, my God.

Hello, old friend.

It's a mitzvah!

Don't think I brought you
back 'cause I like you, okay?

- 'Cause I don't... I did it for Sofia.
- (key in door)

Oh, my God, she's here. She's here!

So-fi-a...

Hi.

Okay, you're not gonna
be mad at me in a minute,

because I have a huge surprise for you.

Yeah, well, I kinda
have one for you, too.

Okay, mine's more of a
visual, so let's go inside...

No, um... tryin' to
be a better listener,

so, um... you go first.

Well, Logan's not coming
over to see the couch.

What?

Yeah, it turned out
that giving me that couch

was just a mean joke she and her
rich friends play on their assistants.

Pfft. So... what's your surprise?

Ohh.

Oh... well... so I guess it wasn't
that hard to get back after all.

Nope. No... not at all,

I just had to... pack myself into a box

to get to the warehouse, so
I could steal the invoice,

to get the address of the
person who bought the couch,

which turned out to be
Yolanda's boyfriend's mother,

who would only give me
the couch if I was Jewish,

and willing to make babies with her son.

So I told her I was Jewish, and
then she fainted, which gave me

the opportunity to steal the
couch back for my best friend,

who I love more than
anything else in the world.

So, uh... you know... now's where
you hug me, and you say you love me,

and, uh, it's all, you know,
water under the couch...

Yeah, well... it's not.

It's not? Why is it not?

Because that's not the problem.

The problem is that you don't respect
me, and you don't listen to me,

and you don't care about how
important my career is to me.

Oh... well, uh, guess, uh, just, uh,
nothin', uh, nothin' more to say, then.

What's that?

Nothing. But open it.

"Intro to Journalism"?

Huh, I... I took the $
I made selling the couch

and I signed you up for night classes.

What?

Yeah, because you're a
writer! See, I listen!

And if... and if you really,
really wanna be a journalist,

then you need some training
to go with that natural talent

that you already have.

Oh, Gabi, it... I
don't know what to say.

That's why I got you the class!

And... you know what I realized?

I mean, this whole time, I wasn't
trying to get the couch back,

I was trying to get you
back, you know? Because...

because... you're my ugly couch.

- And you're my ugly couch!
- Ohhh!

BOTH: Owww!

Jeez. Oy, this fakakta couch already.

So, we waited at the hospital for hours,

and when she finally came to,
she forbid Ben from seein' me.

But, the good news is, right
after that, she fell into a coma.

That's horrible.

(chuckling) Not for my sex life.

As long as she's out... the son is in!

What you need, bro?

I need a fix... got a dime bag?

Careful with that... it's uncut.

I gained six pounds?

So... all of us gained weight.

How is that even possible?

We've been exercising,
counting points...

the only outside food
that I've eaten is...

Oh, my God!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold up!

Before you do anything...

consider this...

is anyone really gonna notice
that you gained six pounds?

- Oh!