05x07 - Young & Bridesmaids

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

(sighs)

Your cocktail, miss?

Mahalo, my homegirl.

Well, all right.

Now all we need is an island breeze...

- Mm.
- ... some island music...

(Hawaiian instrumental music playing)

... and we are officially on...

Both: Staycation!

You know, if you close your eyes,

you can almost hear the waves

- lapping against the...
- (backup alarm beeping loudly)

Hey!

Shut the hell up! We're in Maui!

I'll get us earplugs.

At least we can still
lay out in the sun.

(thunder rumbling)

Ugh, garbage trucks and rain!

Now we have to drink
inside on the couch!

That's not a vacation,
we do that everyday.

Why can't we afford to go
on a real fancy vacation?

No one our age can.

We're only . Who's
got that kind of money?

(cell phones chime)

Ugh, Lizette.

Lizette?

Both: Lizette.

Can you believe this Facebook post?

"So excited to marry my best friend

at our destination
wedding in Punta Cana!"

I want to go to Punta Cana!

Where's Punta Cana?

Dominican Republic.

She's flying down in a private jet

and staying at a beachfront villa!

- She makes me sick.
- She's the worst.

We should try to get
in touch with her again.

Why?

Uh, hello, we get friendly with her,

she invites us to the wedding,

and then we go to Punta Cana for free!

How? We'd still have to
pay our own way. It says:

"The private jet and villa are
only for the wedding party."

Aw, man.

That's it. The wedding party.

Both: Bridesmaids!

(theme music playing)

♪ She in the spotlight ♪

♪ And she turn my head ♪

♪ She run a red light ♪

♪ 'Cause she bad like that ♪

♪ I like that ooh baby, ooh baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ I like that ooh baby, ooh baby ♪

Can you believe how great
Lizette's life turned out?

Who knew she'd make so much money

off of Da b*mb Lip Balm?

Ugh, yeah...

People are sheep.

(phone chimes)

Well... she's here.

(gasping)

- Lizette!
- Lizette!

Gabi and Sofia: Lizette!

Gabi! Sofia!

We have so much to catch up on.

Wait. Was I a millionaire

the last time we saw each other?

Yep.

Well, now I'm a multi one.

(laughing)

God, Lizette. Your life
turned out so amazing.

Yeah, but there is a downside.

I mean, my hand is cramping up

lugging this thing around!

- Oh!
- Ah!

(laughs)

One dirty martini.

I always wondered what made it dirty.

Mm. This.

(sputtering)

(growls)

So... I'm guessing,

you have more of an... open engagement?

Oh, that's my fiancé... Carlo.

That's why I wanted to meet here.

He's Filipino.

I met him when he catered
one of my openings.

And now, he caters all my openings.

Oh... Oh!

I know it's crazy, right?

So...

you two gay marry each other yet?

'Cause that was the
rumor in high school.

Uh...

Lizette,

if we married each other,

don't you think we would
ask you to be our bridesmaid?

Nope.

Damn it.

You know what's crazy, Lizette?

That you didn't ask us
to be your bridesmaids.

Why the hell would I do that?

Well, because all of our lives,

you've shoved every great thing

that ever happened to you in our faces.

That's not true. Oh, did I tell you,

I just bought a WNBA team?

Oh, mm-hmm, now I see it.

So, I mean, how great would it be

to be standing in your
gazillion-dollar wedding dress,

under your gazillion-dollar gazebo,

watching us die of jealousy
because you have everything

and we have gazilch?

Hmm...

That does sound fun.

- You're in!
- (screams)

Ooh, but there is just one problem.

There's only one seat left on the jet.

Who will I chose?

(sighs)

Sofia, you go.

Oh, no, no, no, you go.

- I can't go without you.
- Well, I can't go without you.

And I can't believe you
think you're going to decide.

It's my wedding.

I'm gonna decide whose
face I shove it in.

Speaking of shoving...

Carlo!

A round of dirty martinis
for my lesbian friends.

(giggles) Cheers, ladies!

♪♪

Yolanda, guess what?

My college invited me to give a
guest lecture on my profession.

What's that? Josh's bitch?

His publicist!

The person who maintains his image,

writes his press releases,

and manages any crisis that pops up.

Elliot, I have a crisis!

And I shall manage it.

I got some hot sauce
on my favorite hoodie.

Need you to take it to
the dry cleaner, pronto.

Damn... you are critical to the team.

That's not all I do for him!

Oh, I also need you to pick
me up a dozen donut holes.

And I mean a dozen, not ten
with powdered sugar on your tie.

Oh, my God!

I am Josh's bitch.

How did this happen?

It's because you let
him walk all over you.

I laid the law down
with Josh on day one.

I can't lay down the law.

I'm not confident and manly like you.

Help me, Yolanda!

Well, if you want
Josh to appreciate you,

you gotta show him you
have other job prospects.

Yes!

Where would I find those?

Just give me your resumé and
I'll put it online for you.

Oh, yeah!

Then the offers will start rolling in,

and Josh will respect me,
and he'll see that I'm smart,

ambitious and I'm movin' on up.

Thanks, Weezy.

♪♪

I gotta say, you girls are
sure being civil to one another

considering only one of
you can be my bridesmaid.

Well, Gabi and I talked, and
we just want you to be happy.

And like you said, the bride decides.

Speaking of wedding vows!

Lizette, when I found out
you were getting married,

I was just so caught up
in my joy for your joy

that these wedding
vows just spilled out!

What?

I have been trying to write
my vows for three weeks,

but nothing rhymes with Filipino!

"Carlo, from the moment
we met, you surprised me,"

captivated me, and
challenged me like no other.

I'm black, you're Filipino,

"together we make the
perfect cappuccino."

How did I miss cappuccino?

Sofia, can I talk to you
in the kitchen for a minute?

There's ten more stanzas.

- What's up?
- What are you doing?

Uh, well, at the bar, you said
that I should be the one to go,

so I'm just trying to make
sure that I'm the one who goes.

Well, at the bar, you said I should go.

I was being nice.

This is the most manipulative
thing I have ever seen.

Who wants wedding cake?

- What?
- Yep.

Six different kinds of
cake tasting, if you will.

Ooh! Shut up!

Is that mousseline buttercream?

You butter believe it!

Mmm!

This cake is so much more
delicious than the cake I ordered.

Gabi, will you be my...?

- (phone chiming)
- Mm!

Hello?

Well, I think it's
clear we have a winner.

Do we Gabi? Do we?

Mm-hmm. Once you eat me,
you just can't b*at me.

It's the hotel! They keep
saying, "No wedding! No wedding,"

followed by a bunch of Spanish!

I only speak Mandarin!

Aw. Well, I speak Spanish.

Hello?

Okay, cual es el problema?

Señor, Que necesitas
para Que suceda Esta boda?

Okay, entonces van a tener
Que resolver con Lil' So-so!

Entiendes?

Muchas gracias.

Okay, so, the wedding is back on.

And they're throwing in
a free case of champagne!

Oh! You saved my wedding!

But, but, but, buttercream.

Sofia... will you be my bridesmaid?

- Gabi: No!
- Sofia: Yes!

Hasta la vista, loser.

♪♪

Here's your coffee,

and your eggs,

and your toast!

Butter or jelly?

I'm just going to take this Kn*fe away.

(sighs)

What's going on? I thought this
was your staycation with Sofia.

Yeah, it was, until she b*at
me out to be a bridesmaid,

and now she gets to go to
Punta Cana and I'm stuck here.

Wait a minute.

Sofia won... and you lost?

That's a first.

Yeah, only because somehow
she speaks Punta Can-ese.

Or I just give you the
money to go to Punta Cana.

(gasps) Really?

No, no, no, no.

We're having punch-card sex.

I don't want to be a kept woman.

Okay, fine, then how about I just
give you some frequent flier miles?

Oh, my God.

You would give me your
frequent flier miles

so I could fly to
Punta Cana first class?

- I never said first class.
- Could you?

Elliot, we got a bite on your resumé.

You're kidding me!

I knew I was good.

Guess who's looking for a new publicist?

Dante Bergeson.

The multi-billionaire who
single-handedly changed

the way the world drinks vodka?

I still just drink it
straight from the bottle.

But that's your guy.

And he wants to have
lunch with you today.

Are you kidding me?

- I could hug you.
- Don't.

Just go dangle Dante in front of Josh.

Whoa!

Freshly cleaned hoodie!

Hey!

I'm going to need you to go online
and do traffic school for me.

Thanks.

Oh! I would, but unfortunately for you,

I have a lunch meeting this
afternoon with Dante Bergeson.

The billionaire who
started a space program

so that Bruno Mars can perform on Mars.

Why are you meeting with him?

Well, he needs a new publicist

and heard I'm feeling
a tad... unchallenged.

Unchallenged?

So camping out overnight in a rainstorm,

so I can get my new phone was easy?

That's it, Josh.

I'm not an errand boy, I'm a publicist,

and if you can't recognize
it, maybe Dante can!

- Whoa, Elliot...
- Yeah. Whoa, Elliot!

Don't whoa me, Josh.

I am sick of kissing
that perfect ass of yours.

Good luck replacing this, Josh.

- (door slams)
- What the hell was that?

I don't know.

Uh, but I can't do that
traffic school thing for you.

My license is a little iffy.

How great was that storm-out?

And they say you don't learn
anything from the Real Housewives.

Elliot, I have something tell you.

Of course you do.

Where is my lunch meeting with Dante?

On the corner of...

"I made it up," and "You went too far."

What?

There is no lunch.

You know, I was just trying
to give a little confidence,

light a fire under you.

I didn't know you was gonna
burn down the whole damn bridge!

(gasping) Oh, my God. I can't breathe.

- How could you do this to me?
- (elevator dings)

You ruined my life!

Whe... Where are you going?

To figure out how to
be Josh's bitch again!

Mm-mm!

How hot is my man?

Well, I can only see his butt.

Ain't it juicy? You can say yes.

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Oh, hey!

Is this the table for all
the girls going to Punta Cana?

Gabi, what are you doing here?

Oh, I just came over to say,

have a good flight,
have a good time, and...

I'll see you there.

You're not gonna see us there
because I you lost and I won.

Oh. Well, let's just say

a certain someone gave a ,
frequent flier miles to a certain me.

Oh, my God. You went
crying to Josh for a ticket?

No.

He gave me the ticket
before I started crying.

Okay, where are you going to stay?

Well, not to worry.

Called the resort,
handled the whole thing.

Turns out, they do have a room.

Sure, it's the size of a closet,

sure, I may have to wear a name tag,

and do a little janitorial work,

but... I'm in!

So I will see you b*tches at the pool.

(slurping)

I cannot believe that
you are such a sore loser

that you had to weasel your way
into my vacation, that I won!

Why are you so upset? I thought
you'd be thrilled I was joining you.

- Do I look thrilled?
- Hey!

If I wanted to listen to two
little b*tches fight over me,

I'd still be dating the Jonas Brothers.

Now, we are leaving in two hours.

I'm gonna go wax my Punta Cana

and swing by in the the
limo to pick you girls up.

Now, Stop! 'Causin'! Drama!

I cannot believe you did this.

I don't understand why you're not happy.

I mean, you get to go on vacation,

I get to go on vacation.

We are both going to Punta Cana.

Oh...

Not if Carlo keeps making
out with that Punta Cana.

♪

(door slams)

Elliot, where have you been?

I was begging for a job.

But Alan wasn't in the
mood, so I went for a walk.

Look, Elliot, I was just trying to help.

I was so mad at you,
Yolanda, I didn't realize

that I could actually use

this whole situation to my favor.

All I have to do is make
Josh think Dante wants me,

then he'll cave and offer
me everything I deserve.

- Josh: Elliot!
- The game is afoot!

Okay, thanks again so
much for doing this, Dante.

When he comes in here, just
turn your chair away from us

and try not to laugh.

Righty-oh.

Elliot...

Now, give it to me straight.
Are you still my publicist

or did Dante steal you away from me?

Well, Josh, I don't want to lie.

He did wine and dine me pretty hard.

We're talking caviar, Dom Pérignon,

shrimp the size of a baby's arm.

Big ticket stuff,
Josh. Big ticket stuff.

Wow. It sounds like he really wants you.

In more ways than one.

After his third drink,
he got kinda handsy.

Oh!

I would have been
flattered if he was hot.

But he was nasty!

The point is, even though
he thinks I'm amazing,

offered me more money,

and said I'm one of the
best publicists in town,

nay, the world... I turned him down.

Dante: Did you?

What was that?

It kind of sounds a little
like the guy you turned down.

My good friend... Dante Bergeson.

Dante Bergeson!

Good to see you again, sir.

I've never met you, nor
molested you in my life.

You lied to me.

I'm so sorry, Josh. Please
don't fire me! Please!

I've always said, when one man is
crying on the floor, it's time to go.

Cheerio, Josh.

What's going on?

I just wanted you to
respect me as a publicist.

I do your dry-cleaning,
run your errands,

comb your hair while you sleep...

I never asked for that last one.

All I'm looking for is a little respect.

Do you even think I'm a good publicist?

Why do you think I called your college

and told them you should
give that speech?

- You did that?
- Hell, yeah I did.

And look,

from now on, I will hire someone
else to do my personal tasks.

Thank you.

But there's still a few I can do.

Whatever you're comfortable with.

Great!

Now why don't you go take
a nap and I'll get the comb?

♪♪

Man, how are we gonna tell Lizette

we saw her fiancé making
out with another woman?

Very gently, and after the wedding.

(scoffs) Wait a minute.
Are you kidding me?

You want to go on this vacation so bad

that you totally feel justified

ruining the rest of Lizette's life?

Yes, because I won.

Oh come on! This is not
you. Don't be so selfish!

I mean if I was engaged and
I was going to get married,

and you saw my fiancé
making out with another woman,

wouldn't you tell me?

Is it a destination wedding?

(knocks on the door)

Okay, that's her. We have to tell her.

- Ugh, Gabi...
- Do the right thing.

Fine!

The limo awaits, girls!

- Lizette...
- Hmm?

Let's not keep it a-waitin'.

- Sofia!
- See ya!

Lizette!

Your fiancé is cheating on you!

What?

I'm really sorry, but we saw...

Carlo making out with some
blonde at the bar after you left.

No, that's bull. He would
never... He loves me.

(gasps) Oh! This is devastating.

I mean, what kind of
marriage is this gonna be

if we're both having affairs?

If you'll excuse me, I
have a visa to revoke.

Oh, man.

I hated doing that, but,
you know, I had to do it.

Did we, Gabi?

I can't believe you ruined our vacation.

We were this close...

Oh... I get it.

(laughs)

So, you didn't care
if I didn't get to go

because you get to go no matter what.

- What?
- That's right.

You didn't do it because it
was the right thing to do.

You did it was because you cannot
stand the fact that I b*at you.

Sofia, what's going on? Why
are you acting like this?

This isn't you.

(sighs)

Kendrick got engaged.

What?

Why didn't you tell me?

He proposed to his girlfriend
in the middle of the office,

and they all know that
I have a crush on him,

and then they were all looking at
me with these sad puppy dog eyes.

Yeah, like that.

Now... Now they just
think I am a big looser.

Oh, no. He's the loser.

- Gabi...
- Yeah, I know, that was lame.

(sighs)

And I just thought that
if I could go on vacation

that I wouldn't have
to go into the office.

Oh... I'm really sorry.

You know what?

You are going on this vacation.

- How?
- You're gonna take my ticket.

Oh, no, I can't do that...

Yes, you can, and you
need it way more than me.

Come on.

We can't let that new
bikini go to waste.

I do rock those boy short bottoms.

You're the best friend ever.

Oh, no you are.

Now, go.

(crying) Okay, bye!

(cries)

She bought it!

I win!

Ha... Staycation, take two.

This time... (in Jamaican
accent) Jamaica, Mon.

(reggae music playing)

(thunder rumbling)

Seriously?

God! If you can hear me...

Sofia: Gabi!

Oh, my God. God, you
sound just like Sofia.

Gabi?

Hey!

What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in first class,

enjoying free champagne,
and the extra legroom,

and ABC's new fall lineup.

- I couldn't go.
- Why not?

Well, because I was sitting in my taxi,

on the way to the airport,

when I saw that my
driver's name was a**l...

and I thought it was so funny, but I...

There was no one there to laugh with me.

(laughs)

a**l!

- (laughs) That's hilarious!
- Sofia: Right?

And then I thought, you know,

I might've beaten you out
for this vacation, but...

what does winning matter,

when I don't get to spend
it with my best friend?

Oh...

But wait a minute.

I thought you said you needed to go

'cause you had to forget
about Kendrick's engagement?

No...

but I hope you will...
because I lied about it.

I made it up, I just... I
wanted you to feel sorry for me

so that I could win.

Are you serious?

You lied and manipulated
me to get what you want?

Respect, girl.

Wait. You're impressed?

Uh, yeah. That means
I'm rubbing off on you.

The student becomes the master.

Oh, my God. I'm so relieved!

I thought I was gonna have
to get you drunk first.

I'm already two rum punches in.

Pull up a hammock.
We're in Jamaica, mon!

- (laughs)
- (car horn honking)

Oh, my God. I forgot to pay for a**l.

Are we sure it's not "Anahl"?

Probably, but it's not as funny.

I'm gonna grab my purse.

a**l, I'm coming!

♪