02x01 - Civil Ceremony

Episode transcripts for the 2015 TV show "Kevin from Work". Aired August 12, 2015 – October 7, 2015.
"Kevin from Work" is about a young man who announces his love to a co-worker just before accepting another job, only to find out that his offer has been rescinded and he's stuck with his crush.
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02x01 - Civil Ceremony

Post by bunniefuu »

All right, kids, let's go.
Bowls in the sink, come on.

Dad, you have to put
something healthy in there.

Look, there's beef jerky.

Chock full of protein,

and it'll keep them out
of the dating pool

for a few years.

No, you have to give them fruit.

- No, he doesn't.
- Yeah, don't let her control you, Dad.

She's right, all right? Nobody
likes a bully. Come on.

Okay. Okay, no problem.


- Who are we?
- BOTH: Gables!

- What are we?
- Leaders!

- Who's got it better than us?
- Nobody!

And what are we late for?

The bus if we don't get moving. Now go.

Good morning. Oh, sh**t.

Did I miss the "who are we" chant?

KEVIN: Oh...

Chale, technically, you're not a Gable.

So when you chime in, it
kind of weirds me out.

I just get caught up in it.

It is inspiring.

Oh, here. You got some mail.

Oh, Chale mail.


- You gotta be kidding me.
- Not again.

What is it? It's from your mom's gym.

It's a postcard.

"Haven't seen you. We miss you."

You know what? So do I.
Okay, you know what? Give me that.

I will call them right now.

It's been over a year since she d*ed.

They shouldn't still be sending this.

That's right, right? Thank you.

Oh, but don't throw that out.

On the bottom there's a
coupon for a kung fu lesson.

I wanna go to it. Yeah.

- Oh, no.
- What? What's the matter?

[STAMMERS] My visa has expired.

It states here I could get deported.


Well, you keep in touch.

Dad, come on. This is serious.
Let me see that.

It makes no sense. I-I filled
out all the proper paperwork.

You know, you gotta stay
on top of those things

if you wanna be a citizen.

I mean, you could say a
lot about Americans,

but we're not lazy, you know?

I have seen you watch
"Ray Donovan" in Spanish

because the remote was
sitting on top of the TV.

Yeah, and now I know how to
say "Get my g*n" in Español.

Dame mi p*stol.

Okay, wait, Dad, you sent in
Chale's sponsor form, right?

Remember? I told you how
important that was?

Yes, you told me, and I sent it in.

- You're sure?
- I'm positive. I have my own system.

I take all the important paperwork,

I put it right in this drawer,

and then, once a week, I mail it out.


It's still in there, isn't it?

It's not a perfect system.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

Dad, what are we gonna do?
Chale's gonna get deported.

I can't come back in this
country for three "yahs."

Three "yahs"!

How many "yahs"?

I'd have to move back to Bungleton.

I... I'm getting a stomachache.

No, it's gonna be all right, okay?

We will be together no matter what.

I will move to England.

Oh, actually, you'd love Bungleton.

It's out in the countryside.

There's chickens roaming free,
fresh eggs every morning.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Nobody's
going to Bungleton, all right?

And nobody's eating eggs.

You're staying right
here on Long Island,

where we keep the chickens
in some kind of camp

piled up on top of each other.

Yeah, well, how are we
supposed to do that?

You didn't file the paperwork.

Yeah, I know. I made a mistake,
all right? But I will fix it.

- And you know why?
- Because we're the Gables!


Because I have a connection to
someone down at Immigration,

and I'll take care of it, okay?

- Thanks, Dad.
- Yes.

Look, it's all gonna work out.

Because we are the Gables.

- Seriously, dude.
- You gotta stop that.

Cellucci, over here.


How you doin'?

Everything okay?

Yes, yeah. I'm doin' great.

Okay, good. Well, look
at you with the beard.

- Yeah, it looks good, right?
- [LAUGHS] No.

You know who you look like?

You look like the guy...
oh, God, what's his name?

I can see his face.

Come on, you know the
guy from the, um... ah!

- Hugh Jackman?
- No. By the way,

I wouldn't think you
looked like Hugh Jackman

if you had claws sh**ting
out of your knuckles.

All right.

So what's up? What can I do?

[SIGHS] Kendra's fiancé has a
bit of an immigration problem.

And I remember when we were
on the force together,

you dated a guy, I think he
worked at INS, am I right?

No. Mm.

Pretty sure you did.

Okay... I dated a manager
from CVS, but no INS.

Are you sure? 'Cause...
first, you dated a lot,

and I just had the feeling that
there was an immigration guy

- sprinkled in there.
- Okay!

I think I would remember who I date.

Oh, Robert. Actually,
you're right, you're right.

Yeah, see? Yes.

I remember. Yes, yes.

Can you do me a favor and call him?

Oh, call him... [INHALES SHARPLY]

Oh, what happened?

Um, this one was not me.

This was all him.

We would go to the Outback Steakhouse

and he would order with a
bad Australian accent.

the Bloomin' Onion, mate!"

You're... you're broken.
You are so broken.

All right, well, I gotta
figure out something,

otherwise Kendra's gonna
be movin' to England.

Okay, you know what? I have
been bl*wing this guy off

for three years, but for
you, I will call him.


I just figured out who you look like!

- Who?
- Pavarotti!


Do you think he really
went to the bathroom

or is he secretly running
a background check on me?

Well, he had a key attached to
a giant wooden paddle, so...

I'm guessing bathroom.

Just stay calm. Vanessa
talked to the guy.

- It's gonna be fine.


- Thank you for waiting.
- Not a problem.

Uh, by the way, Vanessa
Cellucci says hello.

Oh, Vanessa. We spoke on the phone.

Can you believe she spent three
years helping kids overseas?

She's a real saint, that one.

We're, uh, we're supposed
to go to dinner tonight.

Hey, I hear she loves that
Outback Steakhouse, huh?

made the reservation, mate.


Let me see if I can provide
some assistance in this matter,

Mr. Witt?

Yes, Chale Eugene Witt.

Okay, I just need to
verify some information.

Are you still living
at Seville Lane?

Yes. Yes, we are.

Wait a minute, you... you live together?

No, he... he lives in my garage.

Oh, well, it's listed
here as an apartment.

Is this a legal residence?

Legal? Uh, you know, as far
as the permits and stuff,

I kinda wanted to fly under the radar.

But it is up to code?

Yes, yeah, definitely up to code.

It's my code, but it's up there.

Yeah, same address. We're at the same...

Okay, then he pays rent?

[LAUGHING] In your dreams.


Why... why is that funny, Mr. Gable?

Oh, I'm sorry, it's just
an inside joke we have

'cause he's usually unemployed.

Oh, well, it says here
that you are employed.

Well, I was. I was working
for a tech startup.

Okay, and how long were you there?

Let's see... October, November...

I was there for a week and a half.

You know, I have some,
uh, some concerns.

Since you are a friend of Vanessa's,

I think we can extend your visa.


That's... that's a great
call right there, you know.

It's not like he's a
t*rror1st or something.

You're not... are you,
you little t*rror1st?

[LAUGHS] You little t*rror1st.

So we, uh, do we sign
something, or just we can go?

We're free to go, right? I
think we get out of here,

wanna get some ice cream?

Mr. Gable, I did not bring up terrorism.

Is there a reason you did?

N-no. No, I was saying
he's not a t*rror1st.

- He's harmless. I mean, he...

He spends all day in my garage, right?

Working out those little formulas

on his crazy little white board.

Mr. Gable, please stop talking!

I'll stop talking.

In hours, they can kick
me out of the country.

There's nothing I can do about it.

Hey, on the positive, it's
nice to know our government

takes immigration pretty seriously.

I will take comfort in that thought

on the barge ride back to England.

Well, what if we get married, you know?

- That'll make you a citizen.
- By tomorrow?

Yeah. Chale, I love you, okay?

We can just run down to
city hall and do it.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec.

- I realize part of this is my fault.
- Part?

Okay, let's not point
fingers, all right?

But don't you want to
get married the way

we always talked about?

Right? The church, Father Philip,

your mother's dress?

Yeah, of course, but, I mean,
how are we gonna pull that off

by tomorrow night?

[SCOFFS] We have a whole day. All right?

Look, this wedding is happening.

I'm not losing my daughter, all right?
You wanna know why?

We're the Gables.


We're the... oh, crap.
I missed it again!

No, I need the flowers today.
It's my wedding.

I know it's last minute, but
is there anything you can do?

Hey. What's going on?

I heard you're changing
the wedding plans

without consulting the best man?

There are rules, missy.

No, no, no, please, please don't
put me on hold. Oh, crap.

I had the whole thing planned.

Okay, Uncle Kyle, I really
can't do this right now.

- I had the whole thing planned.

Kyle, I can't do this right
now either, all right?

Just go to work and I'll tell
you what's happening, okay?

All right, fine, but don't call
me the best man, all right?

Call me "the nobody ever
tells me anything" man.

- All right, I got a church lined up.

The only problem is,
Father Philip is out

in Patchogue, so I'm gonna swing
out there and pick him up.

What? No, why can't you just call him?

He's on some kind of retreat,
and they... I guess no phones.



How did you mess up at Immigration?

I had to eat two Bloomin' Onions!

It got away from me, but it's all right.

Change in plans, they're
getting married.

But Dad, my dress doesn't
fit and we have no flowers.

I don't know how we're going
to pull this off by tonight.

Honey, please, do not get upset.

In fact, I think you
should get ready to smile.

Because when I get back
here, I'll fix your dress.

I'll take care of everything.

All right, do you want
your hair bl*wn out?

I'll blow it out. I'll blow 'em all out.

I'm gonna go crazy. I'll
pluck your eyebrows.

I'll pluck the crap out of them.
I promise. You're gonna be fine.

I'll paint your nails. I'll put
little Met symbols on there.

We're gonna be good.

You're gonna love it. I
think I'm gonna cry.

Me, too. It's gonna be an emotional day.

- I think I'm happy about it.
- Okay, no. Stop. Stop all this.

Stop all this nonsense, okay?

I will take care of this.

You've already screwed this up enough.

So you just get the priest,
and I'll handle the rest.

- Go, go.

Am I still bl*wing out your
hair, or is she gonna...




What kind of retreat is this?


Goody, I see you.

What are you doing here?

It's a Civil w*r re-enactment,
and my name's not Goody.

Around here, I'm Private
Lando Calrissian.

Yeah, we get to pick our own names.

I never knew you were a
fan of the Civil w*r.

Every black man's a
fan of the Civil w*r.

What are you doing here? I
gotta find Father Philip.

Oh, this year, he's
fighting for the South.

He's over in the command tent
next to the meat smoker.

The Confederates get brisket.

Must be nice!



Afraid you have me confused, son.

I got an emergency, all right?

Kendra and Chale... they
need to get married today,

or Chale's gonna be deported.
You gotta come with me.

Oh, you're k*lling me.
I'm finally a general!

I've been waiting years for this.

I get it. Donna always wanted you
to be the one to marry them,

just like you married us.
This is my dream!

Look, everybody has a dream, right?

But you are in a field
behind a Home Depot

with a glue-on beard, so...

Let me address my men.

Great, great. Thank you very much.

How long is that gonna take?

Well, historically, I
gotta give a speech,

and he gets sh*t by friendly-f*re,

and then he gets an infection,
dies a horrible death.

Love it. Go to town.

Thank you, sweetie.

Okay, flowers done, dress done.

Oh! I almost forgot.

Welcome to your bachelorette party.

All right, well, it's not
exactly the one I envisioned.

But I appreciate it.

Hey, wait, do you want me
to call a male dancer?

I have a fireman, a
policeman, a plumber.

What's your fancy?


You okay?

You know, we've been talking
about this wedding for so long

and it was always just an idea,

and now it's actually happening,
and I'm kind of freaking out.

Yeah, take it from someone

who was supposed to be
married four times...

well, one doesn't actually count because

I wasn't technically yet.

- What?!
- But, uh, yes.

My point is,

can you imagine yourself without...

What's his name?


Can you imagine your life
without Chale in it?

No, I can't.

Can you imagine your
life with someone else?


Well, there you go.

Thank you for being here.

You're welcome.

Wait, did you say one of the strippers

dances as a plumber?

No, no, no, he is a plumber.

He just likes to take his pants off.

Come tomorrow, the sun may not
shine upon our countenance,

and surely, some of you
will be called to embrace

the greatest of mysteries.

All right, come on. Pick it up.

And in that undying land, our
great solace shall be...

How long does this go on for?

About half an hour.

Then the ice cream truck comes.

Then we go to battle. Half an hour?

Give me this!


Bang, bang, you're d*ad. Come on.
Let's get going.

Relax, men. Caught in the
arm, totally superficial.


- Oh, boy.


- No!

All right, okay.

You... Kevin, you got me.

Nice one, dawg.

All right, men!

The time has come for battle!


Ooh, ice cream truck.



All right, Chale, it's completely
normal that you're nervous.

And it's the anxiety that's
giving you stomach pain.

I don't think it's that, Jack.

Well, I looked it up online,
and it's either that

or you've got a ruptured ovary.

All right, my dad's got Father Philip.

We got the dress, we got the flowers.

Looks like you're stuck with me.

[STRAINED VOICE] Yay, wonderful. Oh!

Sorry, darling, I'm just feeling
a little bit out of sorts.

Wait, what? Okay, wait.
What's going on here?

Are you... are you, like,
getting cold feet?

It's his ovaries.

Okay, no, babe.

You need to talk to me.

Do you not wanna do this?

No, of course I do.

Because if you don't, we don't have to.

No, no, no, no. No, I... look,

I have always known that
I wanted to marry you.

I-I knew two days before we ever met.

How is that even possible?

I was in the engineering
building, you were in the quad,

and I followed you back to your dorm

staring at the back of
your head, whispering...

[WHISPERS] "I am gonna marry that girl."

That's a little creepy, but so sweet.

I love you, Chale.

Hey, I love... ow, ow, ow. Aah!

- What...
- Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hey, what's going on?

Oh, my stomach's k*lling me. Aah!

Let me see. Let me see. Does this hurt?

It... Yes, yeah, yeah. Okay.
You know what, baby?

I don't think a wedding is gonna happen.

This might be his appendix.

- What?
- We gotta take him to the hospital.

- Yes, right now. Let's go.
- [GROANS] Ow, ow.

- Come on, I'll help you up.

Somebody call a plumber?


Hey. Hey, how you feelin'?

Oh, a bit woozy. What happened?

You had appendicitis, and they
had to do emergency surgery.

So that's it? We're...
we're not gonna make it.

I'm gonna get deported.

No, no, no. It's okay, sweetheart, okay?

I'm coming with you. We're
going to Bungleton.

Full disclosure, Bungleton is...

not as beautiful as it sounds.

Hey. We got a priest, we got a best man,

- we're doing a wedding.
- Wait, what?

Yeah, and I got the wedding dress.

- There you go, huh?

Uh, Mr. Gable, I don't think
I can make it to the church.

I'm sorry.

Look, Father, is there any
way we can marry them here?

Oh, well, not in the room, but
maybe they have a chapel.

Yeah, yeah, uh,

give me five minutes.

Let me show you why I'm the best man.

Let's go, people. I said gas leak.

Not kidding around. Let's go.
Move it out.

Come on, Nana. Slap some
hot sauce on it. Let's go.

Pick up the pace.

[SINGSONGY] Here comes the bride.



Do you like it?

You... you look beautiful.

We... we went with the hair up

'cause I thought it was a classier look.

I used to wear it like this when, uh...

You know what? This is not my moment.

And I just realized that.

I'll see ya at the chapel.


When did this happen?

It feels like just yesterday you were...

you were different.

- You were my little peanut, you know?

I remember, you would fit
right in here just perfectly.

And you'd fall asleep.

And I just stayed up all night

until you woke up.


[EXHALES] Oh, gosh, then you got older.

And you remember that bike I got you?
You know,

the one with the streamers and I
put that little bell on there?

Then I took your training wheels off?

Yeah, and then you pushed
me into the street

without any warning?

- Can you ride a bike or not?

We're just missing one thing.

I know.

I wish Mom was here, too.

I know.

She'd be very proud of you.

All right, well, time's ticking.

Let's get you married, all right?
Come on.

On two. Ready.

There we go.

- You ready?
- Yeah.


I'm really sorry you're
not getting the wedding

you always wanted.

Actually, Dad, I am.

Thank you. You pulled it off.

[CHUCKLES] It's not perfect,

but... it's perfect.


Boy, Chale really needs to tie
up the back of that gown.

Look, I know this isn't the
reception we dreamed of,

but much like the wedding, it was free.


None of my business, but
I would've hired a DJ.

All right, gentlemen,
I'm here to announce

the General has d*ed of sepsis.

Not the greatest wedding toast.

Well, look, wedding can't
get any worse, right?

Anyone call a plumber?
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