02x09 - Cooking up a Storm

[bunniefuu]

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Yo!

***

Hey!

So, my neighbour had this on his porch.

It's supposed to be Buzz Lightyear,

but tell me who this looks like.

- Buzz Lightyear.
- No!

Come on. It looks like you.

- Me?!
- Yes!

I get... I'm getting Kyle.
I don't get me.

- Oh, stop it.
- Yes!

Anyway, take it.

I don't want pumpkin-Kevin
pointed at my window

when I'm in the bathroom.

Believe me, pumpkin-Kevin

- doesn't want that, either.
- All right.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- Yo! Come in!

- Hey, neighbour!
- Hey!

Hi! It's Tuesday.

You know what that means.

- Lasagna!
- Lasagna!

Oh, hey, did you remember to

goose up the cheese a little bit

and just pump the brakes on the garlic?

Of course I did, silly. I listen.

The girls in my spin class say

I never listen, and I talk too much,

- but I don't really think that's...
- Thank you! You're such

an angel and so great.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Uh, Wendy, this is Vanessa.
She's my business partner.

This is Wendy, best
cook on Seville Lane.

Oh, I don't know about that.

Oh, please.

Anyway, if you have any
more tweaks on the lasagna,

give me a yingle.

All right. Will do.

Hey, by the way, if
some of your beef stew

showed up Sunday for the football game,

I wouldn't pass on it.

- Pass. Football.
- Yeah.

He is so clever.

So clever.

- Buh-bye!
- All right.

She is awesome.

You got all the women on
the block cooking for you?

She knows I'm a single parent.

She brings over a little food.

Some people think it's
nice to help out a little.

- Hey.
- Hey.

[SCOFFS] Wendy was here again?

- Dad, you've got to end this.
- End what?

You know exactly what.

- She's totally into you.
- Yes!

"Any tweaks to the lasagna,
give me a yingle."

I think we all know she wasn't

talking about tweaking the lasagna.

She's just being nice to our family.

Wendy wore Spanx to
deliver ziti last week.

I don't care if she
wore newspaper on fire.

All I see is the ziti.

♪ I am not your ordinary guy ♪

Yams, yams.

Guys, where... where
do we keep the yams?

Isn't a yam just a sweet potato?

No, no, huge difference.

One is very sweet and potato-y.

That's your, uh...

That's the sweet potato. The other...

The other is... it's more...
Yeah, it's got a yammy...

It's yam. It's a yam
substance, so it's yam.

All right? Oh, hey, guys, uh, listen,

any special requests for Thanksgiving?

Dad, actually, we were talking,

and we thought, you know,

maybe this year for Thanksgiving,

we'd go out to eat.

What? You cra...

Whose idea was thi...

Is it the new guy?

No.

Look, I know this is gonna
be difficult without mom,

but, hey, we still have a lot

to be thankful for, all right?

And every year, we have a big dinner

right here at home. It's tradition.

Let's just go out to dinner.
It'll be so much easier.

And, plus, I have so
much school. I can't help you.

I don't need your help.

I'm gonna make the whole thing myself

with these hands right here
and a whole lot of love.

Now, who's with me? Come on!

I can make Scotch eggs with curry Mayo.

I'm gonna pretend that
I didn't even hear that.

- I can make the cornbread.
- Boom, Sara! There you go!

That's the Thanksgiving
spirit right there.

Thanksgiving spirit. That's not a thing.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

It's definitely a thing, okay?

[CHUCKLES] That's a
common misconception.

Kids...

the spirit of Thanksgiving

is actually the spirit of the Pilgrims

coming together with the Indians

to celebrate the harvest
of the Fall bounty.

They did it by bringing corn

and turkey to the villagers,

who had potatoes,

and they would mash them out of anger

'cause they were so upset... at first...

But then it turned to
mashing out of love.

And they said, uh...

In Indian, they said, "Thanks."

And then... then, in Pilgrim, said,

"You know, we're just giving to you,"

and they said... and that was it...

"Thanks" and "Giving,"
and it came together,

and that's what created Thanksgiving.

I'm not gonna lie. I get
a little lost there, yeah.

♪

Does your dad like me?

Of course he does. Why?

I don't know. I just thought
that after the wedding,

I'd see a change in our relationship.

Yeah. Like what?

Ideally...

we'd have one?

I mean, shouldn't we be hanging out,

calling each other nicknames,

and making eye contact?

Nicknames?

Like what?

Uh, I don't know. Uh...

Chale-y?

K-Bizzle?

Mm...

Yeah, no nicknames.

Well, I've got to do something.

We're family!

I'm gonna sire his grandchildren.

Okay. Definitely do not mention

"siring" in front of him.

You know what I mean.

I'm his son-in-law.

I should at least be
able to call him "dad."

Well, why don't you try

just bonding with him, you know?

Guy stuff.

Watching a football game.

Share a couple of beers,

and we can talk about hot
sauce and cuts of meat.

Yeah, and then you just...

You know, you slip a "dad"
in under your breath.

Done, done, done! Done. Okay.

Like this.

"Whoa!

"This piece of prosciutto

"really has some kick, Daddio."

Yes! Yes. Exactly! That's great.

But if you go with "daddio,"

make sure you're like feet away,

because he will lunge at you.

♪

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[POT CLANGING]

Hey. Hey.

I brought you your paycheck.

- What are you doing?
- Oh, thanks.

I am prepping for Thanksgiving tomorrow

and changing the way
America peels potatoes.

Check it out.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

Okay.

There we go.

That one came off. That's all right.

It's okay.

Those are the little cherry potatoes.

- Okay.
- One of the...

Meet the Kevin Gable Tater Turner, huh?

You get it? It's like the
George Foreman Grill.

Yes. Only stupid.

I'm telling you, this thing's gonna

spread like crazy across the country.

Everybody's gonna want one.

All right, well, put me down for none.

- Okay.
- Come on. Just lose the drill.

- Let me help you.
- No.

Look, I invited you tomorrow as a guest,

and that's what you are...
a guest, all right? All right.

I appreciate it, but I
don't need the help.

Listen, I... I get it.

This is the first Thanksgiving that...

That you're taking care of,

but let me just help you, okay?

It's a lot more work than you think.

Okay, can I tell you who
had a lot more work

- than they thought?
- Who?

Little group I like
to call the Pilgrims.

Did you know that once they
debarked the Mayflower,

- you know what they did?
- What'd they do?

- They got after it.
- Mm.

Yes. They got after it.

They rolled up their little
black-and-white sleeves,

they tightened their massive belt buckle

and their shoe buckle
and the hat buckle...

All the buckles were tightened up...

And they laid the foundation of unity,

which was then interwoven

into the very fabric of our lives.

Okay. You know that last part

was a cotton commercial?

- Yeah, that came from the Pilgrims.
- Did it?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

♪

KEVIN: Okay.

Food is prepped, decorations are done.

I am killin' this.

You make it all look so easy...

K-Geezy.

What was that?

- I said...
- [DOORBELL RINGS]

Oh, thank God.

That's me, that's me!

What? What's this?

Since when do you get packages?

I got a gift card for my birthday.

To Wild Willy's Survival Outpost?

Road flares, water
purification tablets...

What is all this stuff?

Well, we're getting hit
with a big storm tomorrow,

so we're gonna need it to survive.

All right, Jack, you're
acting a little crazy here.

- What's happening, bud?
- Oh, not crazy... prepared.

Remember when I did that report on

Yellowstone National Park?

No, but let's say that I did.

Well, it turns out that
it's a supervolcano,

and when that thing blows,

a toxic cloud of ash
will cover the Earth.

It's gonna be every man for himself.

- We're talking looting, cannibalism...
- Okay, bud, bud...

Buddy, none of that stuff
is gonna happen, all right?

And I promise you, if it does,

and we get hungry enough...

We'll just eat Chale.

♪

KENDRA: Hey, Dad?

What's up?

It's already dead.

You don't have to humiliate it.

Okay. Look, it's called
tenderizing, all right?

Okay, one last try, from your family...

Are you sure you don't want
to just go to a restaurant?

- Absolutely not.
- All right, fine.

Well, then, let me help you.

I can put off studying
for a couple hours.

No, hey, I don't need
your help, all right?

Just get ready to see the magic.

All right, well, you know,
before you put that in the oven,

you might want to cut that string

and pull the giblets out.

It's all part of the magic.

I have my process.

What I do first is I befriend the bird,

- much like the Pilgrims di...
- No, no, no, no, no, no.

No more Pilgrim stories.

You're on your own. Good luck.

Don't need luck.

Ugh.

I'm very sorry about this.

Here we go. Okay.

[MUTTERS]

Oh.

[GROANS]

[TURKEY SQUISHES]

[COUGHS]

Come on.

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

There we go.

There we go.

Oh.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- It's... It's open!

Gobble, gobble!

Oh. Hey, Wendy.

Oh, man. I brought you
a little pecan pie.

Oh, thank you.

You... You didn't have to do that.

- I wanted to. I...
- Listen, I got to tell you, Wendy,

you... you're an amazing cook,

and thank you so much
for doing all this,

but I... I really need to
talk to you about something.

What happened there?

Oh, I was...

I was just trying to
get the giblets out,

and it kind of got away from me.

- Let me help you with this.
- Oh, look.

You really don't have to do that.

[GRUNTS]

Ah! Whoop!

It's a boy.

[CHUCKLES] You know what?

I had a little trouble balancing

things, but I got to tell you, I think

- I got it covered now, but...
- You know what?

Why don't you let me help you with this?

[SIGHS]

You've done enough. I-I can't...

You what it is I also did?

I... I already told my
kids I was gonna cook

- the Thanksgiving dinner...
- Oh. Oh.

... and I told them the whole
story about the Pilgrims

and everything and how they came...

Do you know that story, by the way?

- Oh, sure.
- Okay.

You know what I could do?

I could cook the whole meal at my house,

you leave the back door open,

and I'll sneak the food in,

and guess which Pilgrim cooked dinner?

- This one?
- Mm-hmm.

♪

My dad said you wanted to talk to me?

Grab a seat, Jacky boy. [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, if this is about me making

fun of your mustache, I'm sorry.

That's okay.

It's just that it barely grows in,

the hair is so thin...

Yeah, Jack...

It's not about my mustache, okay?

It is about you

thinking the world is going to end.

It is.

Since the beginning of time,

people have been predicting oblivion.

Well, you know that
Yellowstone National Park

is a supervolcano, right?

Yes, I've heard that old chestnut.

Well, it's supposed to blow
every million years.

It's been .

Mnh, mnh, that doesn't
sound quite right.

What crazy website did
you get that one from?

New York Times.

- Oh.
- Yeah.

So, any minute now...

Pwshh!

♪

ANNOUNCER: And that is why
the family is grateful

to have such a plentiful meal

on the happiest day of the year,

Thanksgiving.

Is this the video that Dad
made us watch every year?

- We hated this thing.
- Yeah, we hated it,

and now my kids will hate it, okay?

It's called tradition.

CHALE: Well, I, for
one, enjoyed the part

where they said, "Thank you, father,"

or, in modern terms, "Thank you, dad."

All right, I'm gonna get
started on the cornbread.

No, no, no, no.

Nobody in the kitchen right now, okay?

Dad, what are you talking about?

It's not done... It's almost there.

I'm just waiting for the
button on the turkey to pop.

Let's just watch the movie. Come on.

[SHIVERS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

- Oh. Hello.
- VANESSA: Hey.

Uh, is... is Kevin here?

I have some, uh, spare treats.

Yes, he is, actually.

But... but, Wendy, could I, um...

Can I... Can I talk to you for a second?

- Sure. Yeah.
- Okay.

- Sure.
- Cool. Look, I, um...

I know you love helping people

and doing the whole thing with Kevin

where you're... you're cooking for him,

and that's very sweet.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Yeah.

But here's the thing.

Um...

You... you know those animals

that can't sense when they're full,

so they just eat and
eat and eat and eat,

and then they just explode?

You know what I mean? That's Kevin.

- That's weird.
- Yeah.

So, what I'm trying to say is, um...

I don't want to see you get hurt,

because you're a very sweet person.

But I just... I just think,

as long as you're feeding him,

he's not gonna tell you the truth.

I see.

So, before this got any further,

I just wanted to kind of help you

and just nip this in the bud, you know?

You like him.

You're trying to discourage me from

liking him, because you like him.

Okay. Couldn't be
further from the truth.

Now, did you hear the whole part

about the exploding animal, or...?

Oh, I heard.

Now hear this, skank.

Skank.

Okay. We're doing this?

I've been trying to open this pickle jar

for months now.

I'm not about to walk
away before the lid pops.

- You feel me?
- The other side of Wendy.

I like it. I didn't
love the "skank" thing,

so here's what's gonna happen.

You're gonna take your
little cooler, okay?

And you're gonna hit the bricks,

or you're gonna see the
other side of Vanessa.

- Listen, I really think I should...
- You're gonna take the cooler,

and you're gonna hit the bricks, Wendy.

- I think Kevin's gonna...
- You're gonna take the cooler,

and hit the bricks, Wendy!

[WIND HOWLING]

Was that... Was that Wendy?

Yes, and I sent her packing.

Why would you do that?

Because you were never gonna do it,

so I took care of "bidness."

You're welcome.

We agreed to talk after she dropped off

all the food for Thanksgiving.

Oh.

Yes.

All right, guys, bring it in. Listen up.

Uh, I had things all
worked out in there,

and if everything was left to me,

we'd be knuckle-deep in gravy right now.

But that plan has derailed, Vanessa.

So I just think we're gonna
go out to a restaurant.

All right? Let's just do it.

Oh, no, Dad. Storm hit. We can't go out.

- It's a state of emergency.
- No, no, no, no.

Fire department would've called me.

Ah. Phone's dead.

Anybody got a charger? iPhone ?

? iPhone ?

All right, I better split.

KENDRA: Wait, so, basically,

we're stuck here with nothing to eat?

I can still make the cornbread!

All right, there you go, great.

And I got a case full of pork rinds,

so we're... we're looking good, okay.

KENDRA: Oh, good. Power's out.

And so it begins.

CHALE: I'm scared, Dad.

Did Chale just call me "dad"?

♪

KEVIN: I don't know
what to do. You know?

And I... I went back and forth.

I knew this... it wa... it...

It wasn't getting any better,

so I had to make a decision,

and I was running out of time.

And it's in those moments that you...

You realize who... who
you are, you know?

And, I, uh...

I did it.

I stepped up, and I, uh...

I pulled the trigger...

And bought a new pillow.

Memory foam... it changed my life.

Anybody else got a story? Who's up?

Dad, we're sitting in the dark.

This sucks.

I can't believe I didn't
get to make my cornbread.

Oh, Sara, don't mention
food. I'm starving.

If you had just let me in the kitchen,

then I could've made my cornbread,

but, no, you were too busy fake cooking.

Okay. Sara, come on.
Enough already, all right?

Look, we've all been through a lot.

I just gave my pillow story.

That doesn't make an
appearance too often, right?

Honestly, enough with the cornbread.

It's not a big deal.

It was to mom.

[SIGHS]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Go away.

Sara, what's going on?

Nothing.

[SIGHS]

Come on.

Talk to me, all right?

Last year, mom taught me

how to make cornbread, and...

it's the only thing she
ever taught me how to make.

I-I'm sorry. I didn't know.

I-I'll tell you what.

Next year, you can make
the cornbread, I promise.

Or when the power comes back on,

whichever comes first.

You promise? It means a lot to me.

Yes. And, in fact, when you make it,

you can use my spud spinner...

Drill-bit thing.

Patent pending.

JACK: Dad, what if I told you

I could get my hands on some food?

Hypothetically.

Wait a second. You got some food?

I might know where some is.

Jack, do you... have food?

Before I answer, I want a safety bubble,

protected from any anger.

It's under his bed.

Pre-packaged m*llitary meals.

He also has a stove.

It's in a box in a closet
marked "Sweaters,"

but it's not sweaters, it's food.

Not cool. Dad, wait!

No, no, no! Too late!

About to dig into a box of sweaters!

♪

Mmm. That cornbread smells so good.

Thanks. It was my mom's favorite.

What do you got?

I got spaghetti and
meatballs. I'm not loving it.

Give me a Salisbury steak, would you?

- There you go... cornbread.
- Oh.

KENDRA: Oh, yes, that's
what I'm talking about.

Yeah, all right. You
know what, sweetheart?

I love you, and we're gonna have

this every year, all right? Tradition.

[MUFFLED] Well, I got to say...

You do a good job,

especially cooking on a camping stove.

You can spit it out, Dad.
I don't think I can.

It's stuck to the roof of my mouth.

Oh.

Yeah, it's in there. It's in there.

But it was good. It was good.

I wouldn't... If it was anybody else,

I wouldn't eat it, but it's good.

♪

I got your voicemail.

You said you wanted to talk?

Yeah, look, um...

I'm... I'm just glad we got the chance

to sit down the other night
and work things out.

I hope you're okay.

I am.

I understand you're not
ready for anything yet.

Makes sense.

[SIGHS]

Look, you're an incredible cook.

And... And...

I love to eat.

[CHUCKLES]

Why do we need to stop doing that

just because other
people don't understand?

I don't know.

I don't know. I guess I just...

I need some more time to think.

I-I get it.

I... I push.

But maybe we could...

Start small.

Like, bring over some brownies or

pigs in a blanket.

I'd like that.

Okay. So, then...

That's what we'll do.
We'll take it slow.

One snack at a time.

Okay.

- I guess I'll be seeing you around.
- Yeah.

I'll see you around.

You know, I made some toquitos earlier.

- Go get 'em.
- Okay.

- Don't forget the guac!
- I would never!

♪